Chapter 10

So I'm thinking about Arsenal. Because when Donna earlier mentioned she learnt to whistle in West Ham, I really had to point out my annoyance, because even when moving from a foster family to another, I always had a home in Highbury. My late brother used to bring me along on Saturdays. I even went to a couple St. Totteringham's Day parties with Paul. It's just a regular part of growing up in England. You pick your things, Stones or Beatles, your favourite Spice Girl, your political party, your how-many-spoonful-of-sugar-in-your-cuppa and your team.

Football. I mean, England gave the world David Beckham and Wayne Rooney (both from United, I know, I know, not the point). And I'm English.

Except I'm not, and really, with the whole of time and space in my head, I guess there's no much point in thinking about the Gunners and the Premier League.

I'm not English, I'm not human.

That's why I I've been trying to focus on this list of things that don't matter anymore but used to matter a lot.

I need to hold a grip on what's left of my humanity to still feel emotions after a day like this when I had such a depiction of something the Master himself, oddly, once said; human race, the greatest monsters of them all.

Today for the first time I was relieved I stopped being human.

Again, I'm thanking the skies that Donna was there. She alone - her compassion, her kindness towards the Ood really changed everything. But she's in shock. I'm not sure she'll want to stick around for more of this.

Slavery.

When I followed those guards and saw them shooting at the rabid Ood, I never saw it coming. And the warehouse, the containers, it was just too much.

I was surprised about the Doctor, though. He said he was too busy to save them, the last time he met the Oods. Like, too busy to realize they were slaves instead of servants.

It's not like him. How could he? I had my doubts in Pompeii before we realized what was going on, but I felt the tingle of keeping the point in time fixed, and it was scary, realizing I could have stepped away without care of the twenty-thousand people supposed to die there. I guessed being a Time Lord gives you such a strong feeling of time that anything else can be sacrificed to keep time in order, but the Doctor always seem to think about decisions. Like he did in Pompeii, after all. With Donna's stubborness helping, of course.

Maybe that's what scares him too, that I will become cold and cinycal and without feelings, as trigger-happy as Jack Harkness and his Torchwood bunch. Back inside warehouse 15, I felt him reach for my hand to stop me from drawing out the laser again.

Which I wouldn't have done anyway. I'm really trying to be better. Think more. Use words instead of weapons. But we didn't need either, because Sigma the Ood had already taken care of that.

Also, their song was killing me, apparently.

Yep. Fainted again, just as the freedom song started echoing.

It was a brief moment, my body slamming to the runway grating before I could hang to anything, and the pitch black darkness was all over me again.

And that voice was there again.

Get out.

What do you want from me?

You need to let go.

You're the headaches, I say. I think. I'm not really talking, this conversation is in my head.

Very much.

Why are you in my mind?

I'm not. It's just you. You're alone.

Bollocks. Am I talking to my conscience, or something?

I'm not your conscience. Wake up, time child.

"Zoe! Zoe", I blinked to find Donna gently slapping my face, both her and the Doctor leaning on me. "Zoe, are you ok?".

What a buzzkill I am. I mean, despite the coldness of Sigma's patience in poisoning Halden. And I'm sorry for that bloke, Ryder, I'm a sucker for activists. But in the end, the Oods were released. The Doctor was so honoured to break the circle, and now he's looking at me with his wary stare again. He nods at me, and I'm up on my feet again, smiling reassuringly, and he shrugs whatever worry as quickly as it came.

I follow them grimly uphill in the snow until we reach the Tardis, where the Doctor speaks to Sigma and the other Oods who came to bid us farewell.

"There is room in the song for you", the Ood says.

"Oh, I've, I've sort of got a song of my own, thanks", he replies, shrugging.

"I think your song must end soon". Maybe it's the translator circuit and the electronic voice giving the sentence some ominous color, but I think that didn't sound good. And what's with this prophecy delivery wherever we go lately?

"Meaning?", the Doctor asks, puzzled.

"Every song must end", Sigma says, without really explaining anything.

"Yeah", he nods politely, without giving it much thought, and then he's talking to Donna again, who's apparently not leaving, which makes me very grateful. Also it makes me giggle that the Ood think her name is Doctor Donna. She'd be a great Doctor.

"...know this, Doctor Donna. You will never be forgotten. Our children will sing of the Doctor Donna, and our children's children, and the wind and the ice and the snow will carry your names forever", Sigma says as we walk back into the Tardis.

"Forever...", I repeat absentmindedly as I close the blue doors behind me, taking my jacket off.

"Well right now I hope the wind and the ice and the snow will carry my skin into a bathtub forever", Donna says, throwing her hooded coat to the same pillar where the Doctor threw his, which leaves him with his jaw dropped. "See you later, Space Friends. Human needs hot bubbles!", she says, heading to the stairs with a theatrical exit.

I giggle, looking at her, but as I turn back I catch a grim look on the Doctor's face as he pretends to do whatever over the console. Of course, he's trying to hide it as usual.

"See, I did see you", I say, leaning back on the jumpseat. "Cuppa?", I ask.

He sighs, then spins back on his feet. "Library. Yeah, that'll do, thanks".

I put the kettle on and look for the mugs. Donna must have used the one I usually take, so I open a cabinet and pull out another one with a Union Jack flag design. I walk out finding myself already in the library - the Tardis, what a glorious machine. Won't let you serve your tea too cold.

The Doctor is snooping at the Gallifreyan book he's given me and that I left open on a sofa. "So you didn't make it past page two hundred and- oh", he interrupts.

"I started the chapter on telepathic links and there's an introduction to Gallifreyan brain biology that lasts forever", I say apologetically. Really, it's boring. Didn't expect him to look so surprised about it, though. "What, what's wrong?".

"Rose always used that mug", he nods, sighing.

"Oh. I'm sorry... I guess?".

He gives me the sad puppy gaze. I roll my eyes, tilting my head to where I just left the kitchen, which is anyway gone. "Should I go and change it?".

"Naah", he shrugs, but his mind is traveling elsewhere.

"Rose", I repeat. "Was she with you that last time you met the Oods?", I ask, sitting down.

He turns suddenly to look at me from the other end of the sofa. "She was. We almost ended up stuck there".

I stay silent, thrilled by the fact he's actually talking about Rose instead of his usual changing the subject as fast as he can.

"She showed compassion to them. She was... she would...whatever", he shrugs.

He looks away again. I know I shouldn't say anything, but I can't stop myself.

"In Pompeii, that man said-".

"No", he cuts me off so quickly I don't know how he realized what I wanted to say. "It's not Rose. She couldn't. And I think I know who's the she who's returning".

Wait, what? I think. Chloe? River? Maybe he's met her already, what do I know.

"Death", he says flatly, as if reading that I'm trying to guess.

"Wh-".

"Come on. Every song must end? That was way too easy", he says waving his hands in the air.

I try to get my jaw up from the floor. "Death".

"Yeeah".

"Death. Seriously".

"It's the only thing that makes sense".

"That you're going to die? You're joking, right?", I almost scream. How can he be talking this casually about his own impending death, which I however refuse to accept, since I've seen him die on that beach in the States many years from now? What would I ever do without him?

"What? Why would I die? Look at me, I'm fine", he says smugly, adjusting his tie as he looks at my terrified face. "I mean Death. Death, old friend, or enemy, dunno- one of the Eternals".

"One of the what?".

"The Eternals, the ancient gods of Gallifrey, older than Time itself -blimey, that book really must be boring", he glares, as my face switches from worry to pure anger and I jump at him, slamming the book on his head.

"Wait-, stop, wait, hang on", he repeats, trying to cover his face as I keep slamming the book on his thick thick insensitive Time Lord's head.

"You bloody idiot! Choose. Your. Words. Wisely?", I say, hitting him in synch with each word. "I thought...", I'm on the edge of tears, and he's laughing, the bastard.

He somehow avoids the last hit and the book falls to the ground as he grips my wrists to stop me.

"I thought...", I repeat.

"Sorry. Bad choice of words, right".

I calm down, and his grip on my wrists eases although he doesn't let go. "Old friend? That sounds creepy".

"Not really friendly, no. Let's just say I had to come to terms with her a few times. K-...Long story".

"Like with the Devil, yeah. Fat lot of good, your friends in the old days", I glare at him. "Are these supposed to be my gods too now?".

"No, no, no. The Devil wasn't a god of Gallifrey, please. Plus. He's not going to show up anytime soon", he says, raising his eyebrow. "And you can choose to believe in whatever you want. Except for the Giant Flying Spaghetti Monster, please. He's not really a nice guy".

The amount of nonsense a man this clever can bring into one single sentence is frustrating.

"What do you believe in?", I ask.

He lets go of my hands, thinking. "Well, I'm not sure. I used to- I mean, I...", his eyes look around until he finally smiles bitterly, fixing on my cup of tea.

"You believed in Rose", I say instead of him.

He turns to look at me, whispering in agreement, almost inaudibly.

"Well if she fought the Devil, I'm sure going to take care of Death", I tell him, standing up again.

He laughs. "No, it's not... I mean, she always was... so human".

Compassion. Humanity. Premier League, Zoe, Premier League. Seriously, there must be a point when you realize you should really start choosing your words wisely.

I turn and glare at him.

"I know I'm not replacing her", I say sternly.

He stands up too and in an instant he's in front of me, stopping me to going wherever I wanted to go. Which was really nowhere, I just wanted to leave.

"I never assumed you thought you were", he says, looking into my eyes.

"Then stop with the brooding! I mean you... Gosh! You drive me crazy!", I say. I honestly don't know where this is coming from. I'm just so frustrated that I have to lash out at someone. And you know, the Doctor. My own punching ball.

He stops my hand from hitting his chest, grabbing my wrist again.

"I drive you crazy? What about you? One minute I want to kiss you and the next one you do something reckless like showing up with a laser gun-".

Wait, what? And when did I get so dumb that I have to wait what whatever he says?

"Doctor, listen...".

"No, you listen". Didn't we already have a conversation that started like this? "Because I've been trying to pretend it didn't bother me, but it does. You're a ticking bomb in here. And you have no idea- no idea of what it's like to be the last one of your kind! - and then... finding out...".

He's almost crying, and I wriggle my hand out of his grasp to put it on his chest, feeling his heartbeats. He takes a deep breath.

"You're here, and you're a Time Lord, and you're not mine. You can't be. That hurts", he admits.

"So what?", I ask him. Get out, the voice in my mind repeats. You need to let go. "I should leave?".

"I don't know", he says sadly.

"You asked me to stay", there, I'm screaming again.

"It's more complicated than that".

"Yeah, right, whatever. Okay", I state, bitterly. I can't believe it. I pick the book up from the carpet and storm to the arched entrance of the library, my pace getting faster at each step, until I slam the wooden doors on my back, and then stop and lean the back of my head on the door.

Why does it have to be so damn complicated?

I'll be lost without the Doctor.

You're alone.

I ran off too quickly. There's my humanity, Doctor, running away as fast as I can. It's not good. I should go back and apologize.

The instant I push the door I realize someone is pulling on the other side.

I see his eyes turn from worried to relieved, and without a word, we both close our eyes and we're kissing.

Well that sure is going to un-complicate things.

Thanks for reviewing! Here's footnotes and trivia and whatever for this chapter:

-Zoe picks the Rolling Stones (but she likes the Beatles too; it's only a what-if-you-could-only-pick-one situation), Arsenal as said, and Ginger Spice because she had the sense to leave the band before it ended up being just ridiculous. (personally, I was never a fan of Spice Girls although I liked the idea of an all-girls band as opposed to those 90s boybands). Something tells me if she was around in 2014 she'd be approving of Miley Cyrus' wild crazy phase and if forced to pick a One Direction (although they would still be creepily too young), it would be Zayn. Why, don't ask. Just.

-The stuff about Death comes straight from the Tardis Data Core wiki. As my faithful and lovely reader skarosianlifeform busted me various times, I think I should really learn what I'm talking about. Except, being a 50 year series, it's becoming more and more obvious that even back then a lot of stuff in the show contradicts itself. I'll try to take a position whenever something is unclear. Here what I take for sure is that the Doctor made a pact with Death and basically screwed up the Master so he has some guilt about it. Yes, guilt is my story arc. Just kidding, though- 10 was always the guilty one himself as written by RTD.

Also a free one for you:

-St. Totteringham Day is a festivity for supporters that happens whenever Arsenal reaches mathematically enough points to be sure to beat Tottenham in the championship. I've never been to an actual party but boy, those must be fan. Me I haven't really been a strong football fan since I left England but it's really a big deal over there. Also, sorry if there's any Tottenham supporter out there reading this. I basically just picked a team when I moved to London and Arsenal was the only one I had ever heard about before moving.