In Honor of England's 50th AS&J Celebration that is scheduled to occur in June of 2021
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"Kid, Heyes," Kate said nervously. "I'm afraid we are going to be wading into some unknown waters here."
Heyes and Kid looked at each other with serious trepidation.
"Kate," Heyes said nervously. "You're not thinking of... feeding The Kid to some alligators or sharks, are you?"
"No, no. In fact this has noting to do with any new adventure of mine.
Both outlaws breathed an obvious sigh of relief.
"Then what do you mean by unknown waters?" Kid asked.
"Well, I understand that the two of you were, and still are, quite popular in England."
"What do you mean, popular in England?' Heyes asked.
"Yeah, is England some kind of bounty-hunter hideout or something?" Kid asked.
"No, I'm talking about the real England. You know, London, Big Ben, The Queen..."
"Jack the Ripper," Heyes added.
"We're popular with the Queen of England?' Kid asked with a smile. She got any daughters?"
"Be serious, both of you. No Kid, The Queen of England likely has never heard of either one of you, and Jack the Ripper is... well he's worse than an outlaw, and he has nothing to do with this."
"Kate, it's obvious you're worried about something. Just come out and tell us," Heyes encouraged.
"Well, you know there was a fiftieth anniversary celebration for the two of you here, in the U.S..."
"Yeah?" Heyes asked.
"Well, there's an even bigger fiftieth celebration being planned in England, one that might even go global."
"Global? How?" Kid asked.
Kate tapped her keyboard. "Computers."
"So you're saying, just like over here, there's a bunch of women with fancy accents that have been drooling over their scones and tarts when they see us?" Heyes asked.
"Tarts? I like tarts," Kid said with a mischievous grin.
"Kid, a tart over here isn't the same as a tart in England. A tart in England is a dessert," Kate explained.
"Sounds like I like every kind of tart," Kid replied. "I like food almost as much as as I like..."
"Kid!" Heyes scolded. "All that kind of talk is just gonna get Kate plopping you in a bathtub, so stop it... At least until she tells us why she thinks this is a problem...Go on, Kate."
"Well, alter ego Ben has been to England and has met some of your many fans. He has said they are all wonderful and they asked very good questions..."
"About us? They ask questions about us?" Kid asked.
"Uh-uh."
"Ain't that sweet. Heyes, that's really sweet."
"You're still thinking about them tarts, ain't you, Kid?" Heyes asked.
"Well, I am feeling kind of hungry."
"Would you two be serious. I don't think you understand the magnitude of this celebration," Kate told them.
"Well you are always telling us not to do the thinking, Kate. Make up your mind," Kid replied.
"Kid, one more remark like that and you're headed into a bathtub filled with ice, I swear!"
"Alright, alright. I apologize," Kid said, his open palms held high in the air as a gesture of surrender.
"Now, my understanding is that the English are much more prim and proper than people of the wild west days," Kate explained.
"So, you're wanting us on our best behavior during this celebration?" Heyes asked.
"Kate, ain't there British writers?" Heyes asked.
"Of course there are."
"And they all write real prim and proper?"
"Well, no...But that's because they are writing about the Old West. In real life, I think prim and proper is still required in order to be British," Kate replied.
Heyes smiled with a very superior look on his face.
"Well, I'll be damned, Kate. For once, I think it's you that better stop thinking on your own."
"What are you trying to say?"
'Brits ain't any more prim and proper than... than you are."
"And just how do you know that?"
"My old friend Mark Twain. He traveled to Europe and wrote all about it in a couple of his books."
"Heyes, do you really think someone as famous and well respected as Mark Twain is going to expose himself to the seedier and sultry side of things?" Kate asked.
"I think being as fine a writer as he is, he would make sure to expose himself to as much as life has to offer," Heyes replied.
"Oh dear," Kate lamented.
"Kate, what is it about this celebration that's got you so nervous?"
"Well, you two being outlaws..."
"Yes?" Kid prodded.
"Well let's face it, you don't even know proper American etiquette. I just don't want the two of you to go inadvertently starting some nineteenth century international war or something."
"Now how in the world could we do that?" Heyes asked.
"Well, some words over here don't have the same meaning as they do in say, England."
"Name one," Kid challenged her.
Kate frowned. "Tart," she replied and Kid looked away sheepishly.
Heyes was beginning to see Kate's concern. "What other words are like that?" he asked.
"Well, chaps is another example."
"You mean chaps ain't the leather leg protectors that cowboys wear?' Heyes asked.
Kate shook her head. "In England, chaps refers to a group of men."
"I can see where there could be some embarrassing moments," Heyes replied. "Tell us another one?"
"Pants," Kate said.
"You mean, trousers?" Kid asked.
"Across the pond, pants refers to underwear, like your long johns and Henleys."
"You got more of them words?" Kid asked, also beginning to see the dire possibilities.
"Well, there's a few words you really should keep in mind, Kid," Kate warned.
Like what?"
"Like...pissed."
"You mean going to the outhouse or just being ticked off by someone?"
"In England it refers to a drunk."
"So it would be someone I was ticked off by," Kid replied. "What else?"
"Over here a slapper is a..."
"I know that one!" Heyes exclaimed proudly. It's a device that has two strips of leather attached to a handle. It's used for driving cattle, especially in the stockyards."
"Heyes, since when did you become a cowboy, knowing a word like that," Kid grumbled.
"But in England a slapper is more of a...loose woman, a degenerate person," Kate explained.
"A tart!" Kid exclaimed.
"Along those lines," Kate agreed. "I have heard her called the town bike. I'll let the two of you figure that one out."
"And another important one for you, Kid. With the sort of things your find...pleasurable, I'm sure you know what a rubber is."
"Yep. A sheepskin."
"In England, a rubber is an eraser."
"I'd better take special note of that one," Kid replied. "Just so I have the right thing in my back pocket."
"And a solicitor over here is a salesman, but in England, a solicitor is a lawyer."
"You keep note of that one, Heyes. You never know when that will come in handy."
"Are there more, Kate?' Heyes asked.
Kate nodded. "But I think we've covered the important ones, the ones that should keep the two of you out of trouble if you use the words correctly.
"We might have to go over all these words again, right before that English celebration," Heyes suggested.
Kate sighed with great relief.
"If the two of you memorize the ones we've talked about, I think you'll do just fine at the English celebration," Kate said with some assurance in her voice.
"But you never answered my question," Kid said.
"And what was that, Kid?"
"Does the Queen have a daughter?"
"She has one daughter, Kid. One happily married daughter."
Kid frowned. "Then maybe I'll just stick with the tarts...Both kinds," he added with a smile.