The Ratings Game
0-0-0-0-0-0-0
"It ain't my fault, Kate. This was one hundred percent Heye's idea that we come and... pester you over nothing," Kid said with a snarly glare in the direction of his partner.
"Can the two of you honestly find nothing to do on your own, I mean, on your own without...thinking?" Kate asked as she turned off her computer and swiveled in her chair to face the two, sometimes bothersome, outlaws. "What about poker or drinking, or riding off into the sunset, you know, all the things cowboys are known for."
"First of all, Kid and me are not cowboys," Heyes replied. "And second of all, you have always said we should come to you when there's something one or both of us don't understand."
Kate sighed. She had in fact, given them such instructions, simply because she knew how dangerous it was for all concerned when either of them took it upon themselves to think.
"What is it you don't understand?" Kate asked.
"Well, we overheard them two actors talking between takes," Heyes explained. "Whatever the hell that means," he added.
"What were they talking about?" Kate asked, quite intrigued to be privy to some inside knowledge about Ben and Pete.
"That's just it. We're not sure. But they sounded worried."
"What did they say?" Kate asked.
"Well, the one that looks like me said something about the ratings are going to kill us," Heyes replied. "Are The Ratings some sort of gang?"
"And the good looking one said 'we can't compete with Archie and Meathead.' I figure Archie and Meathead must be the head of that Rating's gang. Kate, nobody who calls himself Meathead is gonna be able to outdraw me," Kid said with an air of self confidence.
"I think Meathead would agree with you, Kid. He wouldn't even try. Meathead is a pacifist," Kate explained.
"Is that something illegal?" Kid asked. "Cause if it is, we'll find a way to turn em in and that'll make sort work of The Rating's gang."
"No Kid, it means he doesn't believe in violence, or the use of guns."
"Who ever heard of a gang that don't believe in guns," Kid scoffed.
"They are not a gang, Kid. In fact, Archie and Meathead are... a lot like the two of you," Kate explained.
"Aw, here we go again with that alter ego actor business," Heyes grumbled.
"How many alter ego actors are there, anyway?" Kid asked, pulling his gun from its holster and twirling it skillfully before sliding it back into the holster.
"There are... a lot," Kate said, not wanting to give Kid an actual figure.
"Wouldn't you think they could go out and get themselves real jobs?" Kid asked.
Kate sighed heavily. "Some of those actors make more money than you and Heyes ever did in a train robbery," she confessed.
"Noooo," they replied in unison.
Kate just nodded.
"Okay Heyes, you got your answer. You ready to go?' Kid asked.
"Nope," Heyes replied.
Kid's shoulders drooped. "Now what?'
"Do our two alter egos talk in some kind of code?" Heyes asked.
Kate looked perplexed. "Code? What do you mean?"
"Well, let me give you the skinny," Heyes said.
Kate waited, but no question or further information was offered.
"So what skinny do you want to know?" Kate asked.
Heyes looked shocked. "I want to know what...skinny is," Heyes replied, enunciating each word very precisely.
"Oh, I see," Kate replied. "The skinny just means the details about something."
"Can you dig it?" Kid asked.
Kate wasn't sure if Kid was asking her the meaning, or asking Heyes if he understood."
"Can you dig it means, do you understand or, do you like it?"
"How about 'I'm going to book it outta town?" Heyes asked.
"That means to high-tail it out of town," Kate explained.
"Okay Kate, Let me give you the skinny. I'm gonna book it outta town this weekend. Can you dig it?" Kid asked proudly.
Heyes stared at Kid with his mouth agape, but Kate smiled and laughed. "You said it all correctly, Kid."
"Kate, it wasn't the good looking one, it was the other one that made a comment about Heyes and me. He said them two outlaws are looking at twenty years in the cooler. So 'cooler' means...prison?" Kid asked.
"That's right Kid. You're catching right on!"
"Right on! That's another one!" Heyes exclaimed.
"That's if you like an idea, or you like a plan, you might say it is right on."
"Like your bank heists, Heyes. Them plans is right on!" Kid said with a grin.
"So how about 'jumping her bones? Is that like jumping over a grave or something?" Heyes asked.
"It's more like...what the Kid does so often upstairs in the saloons."
Kid smiled. "Oh, I like that one," he exclaimed.
"Airhead?" Heyes continued.
"Someone who, might be a few sandwiches short of a picnic," Kate explained.
"Like Kyle?" Kid asked.
"Ah...Well...Maybe," Kate replied.
"So they do have a secrete code for communicating," Heyes surmised.
"Except in their day, everybody knows those expressions. It's a lot like the kind of jargon you and Kid use."
"Like what?' Heyes asked.
"Well, let's see...High-tail it is one... Move along little doggies... Soiled Dove, nobody says that anymore... Three sheets to the wind... Six horse hitch," Kate said, hoping her choices were accurate.
"So bringing this full circle," Heyes said, growing tired of the entire conversation. "Them two alter egos ain't talking in some secret code just to keep the Kid and me in the dark?"
"No, absolutely not," Kate replied.
"And this Archie and Meathead ain't no threat?" Kid asked.
"Well, the ratings is like a race, to see who comes in first," Kate explained.
"Foot race, horse race, what kind of race?' Kid asked.
"Popularity," Kate said hesitantly.
Kid grinned ear to ear. "Well Heyes, as I heard your alter ego say, 'May the Force Be With You.' I think we got this race pretty well sewn up. You ready to go back now, Heyes?"
Heyes nodded. "What town you got us in now, Kate?"
Kate bit her lip. "I'm not sure, but I'm giving serious thought to Amityville."