And The Winner Is…
Being as it is Award Ceremony Season (which I think lasts about twelve months in Hollywood), isn't only right that the characters all get some recognition, and maybe an awards ceremony of their own?
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"Kate, I'm afraid the Kid has got a burr up his…."
"What about this time?" Kate asked before Heyes could complete his sentence.
"Well first, who's Emmy?" Heyes asked.
"Emmy?" Kate asked, having no idea what Heyes was talking about.
"Yeah. Kid's alter-ego was taking a break and was lounging in the grass just pouring over some catalogue or something and he said to my alter-ego that the two of them might get lucky this year and take home an Emmy. Well my alter-ego replied with some notion about that being one step closer to Oscar…. Just who exactly are these Emmy and Oscar folks?"
Kate smiled with some relief. "Oh, I get it. Emmy and Oscar aren't people, Heyes. They're statues."
"You mean like that one in New York City that the French people sent over here cause it was too big for them to store in some museum?"
"That's not why France gave us the Statue of Liberty and no, the statues the alter-egos were talking about are much smaller and they are awards that are given to actors to acknowledge their acting skills."
"Acting skills?" Heyes said with a chuckle. "Just who exactly decides who gets these awards?"
"They do. All the actors vote to decide who did the best job each year," Kate explained.
"Each Year! You mean to say that every year all these folks who spend their lives pretending to be other people, all get together every year just to pat each other on the back?"
"Well no, I mean there's more to it than that," Kate said, her words lacking any real sense of conviction. "And to tell you the truth, there are about a half a dozen award ceremonies each year. There's the Emmy, the Oscar, the Golden Globe Awards, the Tony, the TV Land Awards…"
"I get the picture, and I think we'd best bring Kid in on this conversation, Kate. I don't think he's gonna believe me if I tell him them two alter-egos was all giddy over maybe taking home some street fair trophy."
"I've been just outside the door listening to every word," Kid said as he walked into the room. "Now tell us Kate, you said there was more to it, so what more is there?"
"Well, er, ah… they all dress up in fancy gowns and suits or tuxedos and wear gobs and gobs of borrowed jewelry, and… and they walk the Red Carpet…."
"Is that anything like walking the gang plank?" Kid asked with an edge of blatant sarcasm.
"Hardly," Kate replied while rolling her eyes. "Why back in my day…"
"Your day? There ain't no back to your day. This is your day," Kid reminded her.
"As I was saying, back in my day, when I was a kid, these award ceremonies were a big deal. Families, or at least the girls and women in the families, would gather around their televisions and stay up well past midnight to see what everyone was wearing and who won each category."
"How many categories are there?" Heyes asked.
"I honestly don't know, but there we so many, they actually had little mini award ceremonies for daytime actors and categories that nobody cared much about."
"That would be all of em if you ask me," Kid replied.
"Why ain't there any awards handed out to the actual fictional characters?" Heyes asked. "Afterall, them actors wouldn't even have a job if it weren't for the fictional characters."
"Well, to tell you the truth… Fan Fiction has decided to host a Fictional Awards Ceremony this year," Kate said a little hesitantly.
"Really?" Heyes asked with a satisfied smile on his face. "Are we nominated?"
"I haven't seen the full list of nominees, but I would certainly think so. I mean you are the most popular outlaw duo around."
"Can we bring a date?" Kid asked.
So long as he or she is a fictional character," Kate replied.
"I call dibs on Helen," Kid exclaimed.
"Helen?" Heyes asked.
"The barmaid. You was unconscious most of the time so I don't think you ever met her."
"So let me get this straight Kid. I was unconscious, and you were so worried and distraught, you hooked up with a barmaid?"
"I didn't hook up… Well I did, but only cause I was trying to learn who might have shot you. Now don't be trying to change the subject. We hafta figure out who would wanna go out on a date with you."
"You make it sound like a difficult task," Heyes complained. "There's plenty of women. There's…. There's…."
You could take Clem!" Kid exclaimed.
"Clem is actually nominated," Kate explained.
"For what!" Kid demanded to know.
"I believe she's in the category of Best Supporting Friend," Kate said hesitantly.
"Supporting Friend!" two voices groaned in unison. "She might be cute, but she's a blackmailer!" Heyes exclaimed.
"She was also a very entertaining character," Kate reminded them both.
"She is a good kisser," Kid added.
"Wait a minute," Heyes said. "What category are Kid and me nominated in?"
"Best Partners In or Against Crime," Kate told him.
"Who else is nominated in that category?"
"Well let's see…. That category would include Starsky and Hutch, Matt Dillon and Festus, Baretta and his parrot…."
"We're up against a parrot!" Kid exclaimed. There ain't a man on earth that can beat out an animal on TV! Ain't no point going Heyes cause we ain't gonna win…. For crying out loud, nominating a parrot," he grumbled." This whole awards thing is fixed, ain't it?"
"What happens if we was to win?" Heyes asked.
You get up in front of everybody and try to be humble. You say things like the award should really go to everyone nominated in your category…."
"I'm telling you Heyes, I ain't groveling to a parrot."
Heyes tried to ignore Kid's ranting. "What else do we hafta say?"
"You thank those responsible for you getting the award. In your case that would include the Fan Fiction Committee and the two alter-egos."
"Oh no, I ain't thanking them for pretending to be me. That's just silly. Besides, the whole thing just sounds like a popularity contest."
"You might have a point, Kid," Kate confessed. "Clem's alter-ego won for another character she played once and when she gave her speech she exclaimed "You like me! You really like me!"
"Clem always did hide a lot of self-doubts," Heyes said with a roll of his eyes.
"Ain't that the case with most of them alter-egos?" Kid asked. "Can't blame em neither, not when they hafta compete against a parrot!"
Kate tried hard to think of something to appease the disgruntled gorgeous cowboy. "Kid, all the nominees are given a gift bag," Kate told him.
Kid quickly shifted gears at the thought of receiving something for nothing. "What's in the gift bag?"
"Well, there's candy, and in your case I'm sure that would include peppermints."
"What else?"
"Three nights in the Presidential Suite at the Brown Palace in Denver."
"Go on."
"A free spa treatment," Kate replied.
"What's that?"
Kate smiled knowing she now had him hooked.
"A soothing hot bath, followed by an hour long full body massage, then a professional manicure. Oh, and did I mention that all of these things are provided by gorgeous women?"
"And you get these things even if you don't win the award?"
"Yep, just for showing up," Kate told him.
"Heyes, we're going," Kid announced.
"Kate, is this gonna be an annual event like them awards the alter-egos go to?"
"I think the committee is planning to see how this first one goes before deciding on that, Heyes."
"Good, cause as much as the Kid complains about the alter-egos egos, I can see where he could get pretty caught up in all of this outlaw glamour and glory, and that could be a deal-breaker for our partnership."
Kid looked genuinely insulted. "Heyes, that really hurts. Do you really think that I am so shallow as to give up our partnership for a hot bath and a massage by some gorgeous woman?"
"Yes," Heyes replied. "But what you have failed to take into consideration is the fact that I just may be every bit as shallow."
Kid smiled. "Well, that is a relief."
"How's that?" Heyes asked.
"I know what a nature lover you are Heyes, and when I heard there was gonna be a parrot at this awards ceremony, well I was afraid you might decide you wanted a partner that would only say things you taught him to say."
"Hmmm, that does sound tempting."
Kid frowned at his partner, then both Heyes and Kate saw the frown intensely deepen. "Wait a minute," Kid said. "This gift bag you was telling us about…."
"Yes?" Kate asked, just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
"Does the parrot get one?"
From the corner of her eye, Kate saw Heyes nervously shaking his head.
"I think all the parrot gets…."
"Yes?" Kid asked with a menacing look on his face.
"Is a lollipop."
"And no speech, right? Cause if I hafta listen to a parrot saying we all deserved to win…. Well, I might just hafta shoot that parrot," Kid said adamantly.
"Kate, maybe having an awards ceremony for the fictitious characters ain't such a good idea," Heyes said. "I mean, there's really no boundaries for the fictional characters. Kid might actually follow through with that idea."
Kate sighed heavily and nodded. "I'll get an email off to the committee right away," she replied.