Trigger Warning:

- PTSD nightmare

- crude language

The dream starts innocently enough.

In the dream, I am sitting on the edge of the pier beside Shouto-kun. It is nighttime, the sky is bright, the water is clear, and the fragrance of night flowers is euphoric. I read beneath the moon and stars while he draws. The tranquility is soothing. He gets up and offers his hand to pull me up. My hand - my bare, ungloved, unbandaged hand - reaches to take it. But the instant we make contact, something from the pond grabs my ankle and pulls me under. My hand slips from his as I plummet deep down. He falls to his knees, calling out my name. But the water distorts the sound and his face. I flail and struggle to escape. Little moonlight penetrates the dark waters. Eventually, everything turns black.

The object lets go. I sink and sink. Somehow, the pond has turned into the ocean. There is no bottom at all. But I do not drown. I can breathe. I can swim. Amongst this nothingness, I seek something. Anything. Anything that represents safety and home to me. I do not know how long I keep swimming, but when a white, shimmery light appears above, I swim toward it. The moon. My moon.

But that thing that dragged me under returns with a vengeance. More slimy, scaly, serpentine creatures pull at my arms and legs. Cover my eyes. Grab my throat. Pinch my nose and shut my mouth. The light fades. The blackness returns. And then those things whisper terrible truths in my ear. Traitor. Whore. Wretch. Bitch. Vermin. Slut. You think you deserve happiness? You think you have any right to feel pride? All you do is hurt others, you monster! You broke Shigaraki's trust. You failed Kurogiri's expectations. And for a long time, you have disappointed your dear Shouto-kun. He is not your friend. He only talks to you because he pities you. But you don't even deserve that much. I twist and writhe, not wanting to hear any more. Then the creatures sing a morbid rhyme.

Little miss moony thought she was lovely,

Though her life was an utter tragedy.

Little miss moony thought she was lonely,

So she made a friend happily.

Little miss moony thought she was sneaky,

She joined the ranks of villainy.

Little miss moony thought she was tricky,

And she betrayed herself most splendidly.

I jolt upright. My hands are clawing at my neck. I remove them. My heart. It's pulsating like a drum. My breaths. They're so shallow. I curl into fetal position and cry. The voices do not stop. That sick rhyme echoes in my ears. And they're not wrong, either. I did all of those things. I am all of those things.

I glance at my alarm clock. 3:30 a.m. That means it must be around 5:30 p.m. in London. On weak legs, I stumble to my desk and turn on my computer. Perhaps Madam is home. I wait for her or anyone to answer the video chat call as I furiously rub my tears away. Ourania accepts. She looks cute with her caramel pigtails. And she is ecstatic to see me.

"Good morning, Selene! Or is it night? Your room is so dark," she squeals.

"Oh! I forgot to turn on the light." I hurry to do just that. "And technically, it is morning here. Good evening to you, Ourania."

She goes on to complain about school - the mean girls, the rude boys, the sweet teacher - her homework, her chores, and her play date at her best friend's home. All mundane topics, but I enjoy the distraction. At times, I inquire more about her activities. When she talks about her school trip to the planetarium, I smile the most. I am glad that she has not let the horror she experienced with her father diminish her vivaciousness. I wish I could have done the same.

Thalia overhears the conversation and ushers her sister to play with her toys. We have an engaging conversation, too. She tells me about her theater reenactment of Hamlet at school. She protested to play the role of Horatio, even though the character was a male, because "he was the most loyal of all the characters" and "Hamlet is so impulsive it's almost stupid." The play director relented after she cornered him with five pages of debate points.

When she has to go to practice her lines for her next act, Calliope faces the monitor. While things are still a little tentative between us, she does not hold me accountable. We have a cordial discussion. She invited the girl she liked as her partner to the school dance, and the girl accepted. Calliope tells me that she told the girl the truth soon, and now they are a couple. I'm genuinely happy for them. I give them my best wishes, but deep inside, those dark voices taunt me how I have not done the same with Shouto-kun.

Then she turns the conversation on me. "So, what made you call at such an insane hour in Tokyo?"

There's no point in hiding the truth from her. "Nightmares. Just the manifestation of my sins in the dreamscape."

Gratefully, she doesn't ask any questions. I think she understands my need to not talk about them with someone so close to my age. Instead, she talks about her makeup channel on social media getting more subscribers and views. I would know because I am one of said subscribers. Then, she says, "Mum wanted to talk to you. I'll tell her to come over."

"Hello, Madam Ahearn," I greet. Given her wet hair and cotton pajamas, she probably just came out of the bathroom.

"I see you still haven't learned how to braid your hair," she scolds. Embarrassed, I untangle my mess of hair. "And why don't you call more often? I know that you're not returning to England for the foreseeable future, but that doesn't mean our relationship ends, right? And stop calling me Madam. I told you to call me Aunt Ahearn."

I cannot help but giggle at her admonishment. Strict but motherly. Maybe it's because I want to feel a semblance of a mother's warmth that I change the way I address her. "Sorry, Aunt Ahearn. Things have just been very hectic." I tell her everything. An illegal deal at police headquarters and a bloody confession from her former husband had forged a dark but unbreakable bond of trust between us. She knows about my past, my accomplices in the League of Villains, and my feelings toward Shouto-kun. Kurogiri once said that I was juggling three lives. And he was right. Yet, I couldn't discuss the changes in my lives with him anymore. But, there is nothing to hide from Aunt. I tell her about my nightmares. Nightmares that I have been having since August. "I thought that moving away from the Hanada mansion would give me some solace. And it did. For a while. But the memories from there still haunt me. Tonight it was about my regrets. But last night it was about the first time I was raped. And the week before, about Hanada-sama and his sons. The only solution I can think of is taking a sleeping pill every night, but that risks overdose."

Whatever joy she felt when I called her "Aunt" is replaced with sympathy. "I understand, Selene. Even though my husband is rotting in prison, I still have visions of terror of him when I sleep. They're less frequent, but still there. Even the girls occasionally have them.

"We went to a therapist. He told us that our mental health needed to improve in order for our dreams to become less frightening. He encouraged us to try indulging in our hobbies to improve our mental health. It's been a few months now, but all of us are feeling better. I'm sure the girls already told you about their recent activities. Talking about our passions has done wonders for us. And I feel much more vitalized when performing my duties as a legal investigator. Did you know that I like to cook? I've been trying my hand at a few Japanese recipes. I think they taste all right, but if you were here, you would be able to provide better assessment.

"But I digress. Selene, what I am saying is, why not you try the same? You don't care much about becoming a hero, and idleness is poison to the mind. I remember that you like to read and write. Why not join a writing contest? Aside from letting yourself be used by your father and your villain organization, pursue your passion. You're so much more than a weapon, Selene. Don't let your talent go to waste."

Those tears return. Heavily. I'm much more than a weapon. Just weeks ago, I told the League that I was a weapon. Even Hanada-sama uses me to entice heroes to partner with him. For years, I thought that was my only worth. Even now, what right does a weapon have to love? What right does a weapon have to receive such love? "How do you have so much faith in me?" I weep. "Why don't you resent me for all the things I've done? I'm crumbling this country's ideals from within. I slaughter without a second thought and lie with ease."

Her eyes pain. "Because I'm more similar to you than you think. Working a government job made me stop putting blind trust in the government long ago. Heroes are incarcerated even here for horrific crimes like rape and murder. I've interrogated many of them, and the things they say are more disgusting than the actions of villains. Frankly, I think this world could function just fine without them. That's what the police, military, and firefighters are for. Also, I lie all the time. To my supervisors, to my colleagues, to the people down the street, to my ex-husband. My hands are stained with blood, too. You may have been the one to render him immobile, but it was I who permitted you."

"B-but I'm still a bad person. The opinion of my father does not matter. B-but what about that of the boy I love? He does not know my truth, but every time I look at him, I fear how he would react if he knew. And it's not like I can mend my ways. W-whatever crimes I have done, I committed them in sense and sanity," I refute.

I don't have the strength to hide my tears. All I do is look away from the computer screen. When Aunt Ahearn beckons me to face her, I cannot bring myself to meet her eyes. "Morality is a spectrum, Selene. You and I know that better than anyone. You're morally grey. The things you did are understandable. To me, they are even justified, because the justice system would never have given you what you deserve. Sometimes justice and revenge are one and the same. You killed men who deserved to be killed. I'd be lying if I said that I was not a little dismayed that you allied with a criminal organization to get what you needed, but you did before you even befriended that boy properly, let alone love him. That was bad timing at fault. Not you."

I bring my knees on the chair, hugging them close to me. "But having these feelings is my fault. What will come out of these one-sided, moony emotions? Love is greedy. I'll only be hurting myself and him. Theoretically speaking, if he reciprocates my feelings, I will have to tell him my secrets. Starting with the prostitution and abuse. Do you think he would accept me after that?"

Aunt Ahearn's voice becomes grave and stern. She seethes, "If that boy blames your trauma on you, then he is undeserving of all love. Find someone better than him."

I start rocking myself. "Let's pretend that he does accept me for that. Let's say that I can hide my villainy from him forever. That doesn't change the fact that I am a walking-talking baggage of trauma. Nightmares, panic attacks, agoraphobia, fear of physical intimacy, trust issues … all those things and more … he'll have to deal with my problems because I am too weak to cope with them myself. He already has his fair share of anguish. It would be cruel of me to add to that."

"Selene, must I remind you what happened the last time you felt like that?" she rebukes. "You told me that you severed your friendship with the boy, and it took a lot to mend it. Actually, it's still in the processing of mending because he has yet to gift you that lapis lazuli pendant, right? There are three things you can do after committing a mistake: accept it, learn from it, and never repeat it. Do not repeat your mistake." I wince at the scolding. Aunt Ahearn right. Despite my guilt, we have made so much progress. Regressing would be far more cruel of me. She sees my repentant face and softens. "I'll give this boy the benefit of the doubt for now. If he has had his fair share of agony like you say he does, then he will not hold you accountable for yours. Sometimes, only a person in pain can understand another's pain. Get rid of your family soon and bury your villainous past with it, too, Selene. Find a way to defect from the League of Villains by not getting killed, and start your life anew. You're smart. I know you'll find a way to. Come back to England for a while, if you must."

"Aunt Ahearn, I already owe so much to the League. I cannot - will not - betray them, in spite of this doomed love."

It is time to go.

She sighs, "Then I wish you all the best, Selene. I don't want to lose another daughter."

"And I want to continue bonding with a mother."

The call ends.

I'm left feeling calmer and more anxious.

I truly am a little miss moony.

Citations:

"Love is greedy." - The Lost Sisters by Holly Black