Trigger Warning:
- crude language
- panic attack
"Just watch me."
I was watching the results of the second Hero Rankings of the year when it happens.
Someone knocks at the door, telling me to come down.
It's Mineta, and he points at the television.
And the first thing I see is my dad.
He lies weakened on a pile of a rubble as a noumu crouches above him. His face, from the chin to the eye, is ripped apart. A steady pool of blood accumulates. Endeavor's eyes shut as mine widen. The implications hit me like a cannonade.
Dad … Japan's Number One hero … whose results were announced just hours ago … could die. My father, the man I have hated for years and the man who gave me his legacy, might die today. Distantly, I hear my classmates register my presence and call out of my name. But I cannot hear them. My rising panic tamps down my reality. All there is, is a tempest of thoughts swirling in my head.
For two months, this hero made me question my existence. Before that, he pushed me to do things that I did not want to do. And years back, he abused me and my family. I lost a brother and almost lost my Mom because of him. So many times I thought it would be awesome if he got out of my life. I even told him as much on more than one occasion when I disavowed him. There were moments when I believed that killing myself would release me from his grasp. So why is it that I'm afraid for him now? Isn't this what I wanted?
But it is not. Because the young child inside me who always wished for a happy family is still alive. And it is his presence that makes me pray that I do not become fatherless today. That makes me pray that Dad has the chance to become the hero he always wanted to be. Somehow, that innocent belief only makes me loathe and worry about him more. Because while that naive, optimistic part of me exists, so does the bitter, pessimistic part who wants revenge for every grievance burdened on him. It's these two sides of me that war with each other, fueling my identity crisis. Forgive or forget? That is the question.
This unanswerable question drops me to my knees. I should look away from the television screen. I want to. But the screen has me entranced like iron to a magnet. Like a moth to a flame. The cameraman provides a bird's-eye view from the helicopter, and the spokesperson speaks rapidly into the mike. He says that more noumu and heroes have arrived at the scene. The havoc only grows. It doesn't escape my notice that the spokesperson trails off when he takes Endeavor's name. Although, as if to prove his doubts wrong, Dad launches from the ground all of a sudden, preparing a punch for the noumu's face.
He would almost make it, if not for the noumu's quick counterattack.
A whip of sinew and fiber protrude from the noumu's arm, wrapping itself around Dad's torso and tossing him like a slingshot. The buildings in the vicinity are cut cleanly like butter with a knife. All that concrete crashes down. And with it, my hope. Is that wire mesh protruding from his leg?! It's undoubtable. My father is half-dead.
Just as the noumu climbs on top of a damaged structure, the camera switches views. From the battle to the horde of people being herded away from the scene. The mayhem here is comparable to the chaos there.
Indecipherable words overlap each other. But one citizen makes her voice heard clearly: "This is what happens in the absence of a symbol!" Again, my classmates, my teacher … all of them try to talk to me. I hear absolutely nothing but the echo of those words.
"Don't bullshit me," slips out of my mouth. I glare at the screen in disbelief. Why are the words my family has always thought being spewed from the mouth of some stranger?
Then another voice overpowers the former. The latter contradicts the former's claim. "CAN'T YOU SEE?!" the voice exclaims. "His flames are still burning, aren't they? Open your eyes and look!" Indeed, the camera switches angles to depict embers rising and fading into the sunset sky in the distance. "Endeavor's still alive! And he's fighting for us! Don't go broadcasting despair all over the world! Not when our symbol hasn't given up yet.
"Who do you think is straining himself for our sakes right now? CAN'T YOU SEE?!"
Finally, I get a good look at the owner of the voice: a boy around my age. A boy who sees my father as the next symbol of heroes. Japan was always reluctant of Endeavor because of his passion and mannerisms. After All Might's retirement, their hesitation only grew. I witnessed this behavior on more than one occasion. So does this boy think differently? Why isn't he like the rest?
And why do his words sway me?
Maybe because the child inside me is tired of being suppressed by rage and resentment.
"Just watch me." Those three words and the raised fist were Dad's speech after he received the title of Number One. There was a promise in that declaration. A sworn vow to do better than All Might did. When I heard that, I actually scoffed. He should become a better person before becoming a better hero, was my bitter reaction.
But a person can only become good if they are alive. Redemption requires sacrifice. Sacrifice for the better, not the worse. And Dad, all you did was sacrifice for the worse.
So with this declaration, why do I want to give you a chance to redeem yourself?
"Dad …" I croak. "I'M WATCHING!"
For his sake and mine, I have to have faith that Endeavor will prevail and survive. The last embers of hope spark once more. Risen from the ashes like a phoenix, it blazes in glory. So does Dad. A shooting star of flame and light rockets from the earth into the sky. So high up that he vanishes from the helicopter camera's line of sight. So high up that I cannot distinguish his light from the Sun's light. Then a flash rivaling Sirius shines and blinks out. Like a feather, he and the noumu drift back to Earth. The media dashes to catch the sight.
The vestiges of the noumu burn and crumble into ash. It cannot regenerate itself anymore. At the same time, Endeavor lands with an unceremonious thud. Smoke and dust cloud the air. When it dissipates, he stands upright in spite of his exhaustion and injuries, fist raised in the air. Upholding his integrity and promise.
It's over. The battle is over.
I repeat these two phrases in my head like a mantra. It does absolutely nothing to calm the panic that was growing inside me. Neither does it ease the guilt and self-disgust. My terror manifests itself physically in sweat, tears, and a forehead resting against steepled hands. My gulps are audible. No one's voice reaches me now. No one's presence is aware to me now.
There's just a chasm of darkness in front of me, and I see no escape.
It's scary. I feel helpless. I want to die.
And then, a glimmer glows. Soft, gentle, silver. Like moonlight. This serene silver light touches me. A pressure emerges on my fingertips, then my fingers, then my hands. The sensation is not painful. Instead, it reminds me of home. That light carries a scent. Of sandalwood and flowers. Ultimately, that light brightens and vanishes away all the darkness.
My eyes focus on the source of that brilliance.
Selene.
She's sitting in front of me, pressing the pressure points of my hands. When she presses just a bit to pry my fingers apart, I comply without any resistance. How can I when she is saving me from myself? All I do is watch her. Her comforting touch, her quiet murmuring, and her constant understanding. The silver that brought me out of the abyss was her ocean-deep eyes. I stare into them. I want to drown into them and resurface, rejuvenated.
Right now, I want more than just handholding and assurances.
I want to hold her and cry like a child.
Like a baby.
So when she brings out a handkerchief, I shove it aside and opt for her gloved hands.
Like a lifeline, I clutch them, rub them, weep into them.
I know I cannot let out all my feelings in one burst, but still, I release as much as I can now.
Because I cannot keep them inside me any longer.
They'll shatter me irreparably.
Note: I have copied some dialogue from one of the English-translated versions of the manga. The links to the chapters are here:
.online/manga/boku-no-hero-academia-chapter-189/
.online/manga/boku-no-hero-academia-chapter-190/