Nami writes in to Captain Awkward

#1211: Calamity or Repercussions? The Case of the Peter Pan Missing Stair . . . Who Trebuchets

March 27, 2014 ~ JENNIFERP

Hey Captain,

Tbh, it feels weird calling you that title, but it is what it is. Just between you and me, are you an actual Captain? I'm just wondering if we've ever crossed paths. If I've accidentally zapped you with my Clima-Tact, apologies! But all's fair in love and war and berris.

Anywho, longtime reader, never writer, until now.

I (she/her) work and live with an amazing crew. They truly are wonderful, and I cannot emphasize that enough. For a very long time growing up, I had no one. I put up these walls around me, I hardened my heart, and I did what I needed to do to survive. My friends will and have literally - and I mean that in the truest sense of the word - laid down their lives for me.

It sounds great, doesn't it? Well, it's not all sunbathing and fancy drinks.

The captain of our crew is a sweetheart. He's just a kid, really. I know he doesn't mean to do the dumb shit he pulls. His grandfather actually threw him into jungles as a little kid and said, "Hey, boy. Sink or swim." And then he sent the poor child to go live with a criminal gang hiding out in the mountains!

Grandparents are supposed to be kind and give you lame toys like pinwheels or jacks, not try to kill you!

Here's the problem. Since Luffy was raised in a total free-for-all environment, he doesn't get "boundaries" or even common sense or basic manners.

He steals people's food right off their plates. And it's not like our cook doesn't feed him. The boy will eat until he's completely gorged - belly distended, I'm fearing for his intestines and praying nothing ruptures.

(I would never tell him, but I think his eating habits contributed to the demise of our old ship. Her plumbing & sewage systems simply couldn't handle the load, iykwim)

We're on the run from the Marines and every god damn time he answers the den den with "Hello, my name is Monkey D. Luffy. I'm gonna become King of the Pirates!"

If we meet someone new, first thing the dumb ass asks is "Do you poop?" And he's not even trying to be mean! He's serious! What does he think other creatures do?! Vomit? Sweat it out - ugh. I made myself sick thinking about this.

And don't get me started on how many times he has grabbed poor Zoro - he seems to get the worst of it - and rubber bands him across huge distances, bashing our swordsman into trees, other ships, people, the ground - you name it and Zoro has suffered CTE because of it.

So far, the rest of us have done our best to warn non-crew members about our Captain's behavior.

Guard your plate. Stabbing with a fork works well, but eating fast works best.

Answer the den den first or smack it out of Luffy's hand if you see him get to it.

If he asks you about pooping, point to somewhere in the distance and say "Hey, is that a one-armed pirate looking for his surrogate son to bestow his approval upon?"

And if he grabs you and starts to stretch, cover your head and tuck.

This doesn't feel good enough though. We're always just reacting to Luffy. How can he grow into the King of the Pirates if he's so fixated on snacking and pooping? And how can the rest of meet new people without first launching into the "Rules of Luffy Interactions: 101"?

Signed,

X marks the spot, but that treasure's mine

Dear X,

What a timely letter! You're correct that your Captain cannot overcome the shortcomings of his childhood and finally reach a level of maturity that will be needed if he wants to truly become the King of Pirates on his own.

I've been rereading some material by Cliff at The Pervocracy that is relevant to your situation. He described a phenomenon called "The Missing Stair." A missing stair is not actually a stair, but a person in your friend group that is a hazard.

Everyone in your group knows Luffy is dangerous, unsafe, and difficult. He is the broken or missing stair in your circle.

Instead of fixing the stair, you and your friends have instead decided to put up warning signs around this missing stair.

If you want to deal with your missing stair, then you are going to have to enact social consequences. Since he's your Captain, it doesn't sound like you can just kick him out of your group and based upon my reading of your letter, you appear to have a strong loyalty to him.

So what can be done?

Do not share mealtimes with Luffy. If he is as fond of his friends as your letter infers, this will be a real consequence for him. You and your crew should be allowed to eat without it being a race! Or without having to threaten someone with physical violence in order to eat your dinner.

Because Luffy is risking your freedom from capture and even, potentially, your very lives when he answers the phone, let him know you will leave immediately if he does it again.

And you absolutely need to follow through if it happens again. Consequences do not work unless they are enacted.

When Luffy asks a new acquaintance about their ability to defecate, walk away. You do not need to act shocked or apologize for him. Allow your Captain to deal with the fall out of his childish questions. Trust me, it will seem less puckish if his own crew show their disdain for this behavior.

I am struggling to come up with consequences for Luffy's sling shotting of your other crew members. Because you need to work together, the consequence will have to be more social.

You cannot dictate how others will behave around him, but you can decide how you will behave the next time he injures one of your crewmates/friends. You do not need to interact with him beyond work conversations. You do not need to stay in the same common spaces with him. You can choose to engage in activities with other members of your crew and not invite him along.

Of course, if none of this works or if you don't feel like going to the trouble, you can always just purchase a seastone-infused cattle prod. Sometimes aversion therapy is the only solution!