Chapter LXXXVI

Denial

TW: Eating Disorder

I'm still shocked by this most chaotic awakening. I don't say a word; I don't give the slightest glance since Sakura is back. She's done putting a new IV in my other arm, since I brutally ripped out the previous one. As a result, I'm in a little pain, but that's the least of my worries.

The pain shoots me absolutely everywhere. A horrible headache hammers my skull mercilessly. I'm given an ice pack that I apply to the bump I made on my head, where I hit myself most often. Plus, my fingers hurt terribly. It's as if I had cut my nails way too short and they were suffering from inflammation caused by significant trauma. I don't understand. I didn't cut them at the root; there's still a thin white line…

I have no more memories. I have no idea what could have triggered such a violent night terror, so much so that I gave Naruto a serious punch. His cheek is badly bruised, but he doesn't hold it against me. He must know that my actions were involuntary and that I wasn't in control of myself. His eyes are clouded with worry and barely blink. As always, he's sitting at my bedside. I feel his irrepressible desire to hold my hand; his eyes constantly glance on my hands. However, he hesitates. Obviously, he sincerely fears touching me.

"There, I'm done," Sakura tells me gently.

"Thank you," I whisper. Mechanically, I caress the back of my neck, this mark. Its meaning, its secrets, the future it has in store for me… It all worries me too much. I never thought I'd experience night terrors as an adult. Coupled with the fact that my student didn't poison me enough, I'm certain that this mark is to blame…

"Do you think your mark is the cause of your night terror?" Sakura guesses.

"You know from what I can see."

"Please, don't tell anyone," she implores me. "I'm not supposed to know. Shikamaru is the one who told me about it."

Her words leave me speechless. Lady Tsunade wants to keep this information confidential, but to hide it from her loyal and trustworthy pupil like Sakura? I'm flabbergasted. Shikamaru shares secret information with her, even though he knows the consequences if he gets caught. Obviously, they exchange data that concerns me. They must think that I'm turning into a nocturnal, chakra-hungry creature.

"You think I'll turn into a chakra devourer, right?" Silent, my student doesn't respond and avoids my gaze. I hit the nail on the head. "I also share your fears," I continue, touching the abstract shapes on my neck. "Lady Tsunade believes that as long as the mark doesn't progress on my body, I'll remain human…"

A silence settles in.

Sakura tries to speak, but she can't. She's bothered by something. So, I'm patiently waiting for her to speak out.

"Kakashi-Sensei..." She swallows. "Have you regained your sense of smell...?"

I raise an eyebrow. "Yes? For quite a while now. Why this question?" I ask, tilting my head to the right.

Her face falls apart in front of me; she's completely livid. Her reaction gets on my nerves. I sniff the air and the smells that engulf my room. The burning aroma of a body of lightning has given way to that of freshly turned earth. Naruto's particular body scent takes over. That said, it's not horrible and filthy compared to the one in my apartment. A smell that I'd describe as "wild" fills the place, and it's not unpleasant. The only ones that are stinky are those caused by lack of hygiene.

"Why this question, Sakura?"

"Don't you think that the smell in the room is … unbearable…?"

Once again, I sniff the air, and Naruto imitates me. Nothing disturbing or offensive to my nose. Now that I think about it, it's weird. Naruto's smell is infamous, and I never got used to it; I just learned to live with it. Since I've never opened the windows since my hospitalization, I assume that the room is poorly ventilated … but I doubt it. It doesn't smell like it… Maa, I guess my nose has managed to ignore it. I won't complain about it—on the contrary, finally good news.

Not at all worried, I shrug. "Not really. If so, I can't smell it anymore."

"It doesn't even bother you a bit...?"

"Where are you going with this, Sakura?" I confront her, narrowing my eyes. She's avoiding her own question over and over. "Stop beating around the bush."

A silence, a fear and a hesitation.

"Kiba told us that your body odour has … changed, and it's no longer the same as before. He didn't recognize you last time…"

I almost have a cardiac arrest.

Is it why he stared at me like that?

"I … sniffed you very closely. You stink almost the same way as Naruto," she reveals to me, putting a hand to her heart.

As Naruto lets out a disgruntled hiss, I start to shake. I'm willing to bet that my overly white complexion has faded; at that, many cold sweats break out on my temple. The Inuzuka clan's sense of smell is exceptional, rivalling that of dogs. I'm perhaps the only non-member of the clan who comes close to them; I'm a purebred Hatake, the last of my lineage. I can't detect my own smell. Alas, I can only believe them; Kiba is too proud to lie.

Is my neck the only part of my body that is affected…? Or is my whole body too…?

I clench my fists. I try in vain to convince myself that it's random, that Naruto stank me by sticking to my skin like a suffocating leech. If Lady Tsunade finds out… I don't know what she plans to do with me, with the two of us, and I don't want to play with fire…

That my body odour has changed doesn't mean anything! Nothing at all!

Nothing!

I'm normal!

"Since I'm in constant proximity to him, his scent probably anchored on me," I say, trying to convince myself of my own disillusionment.

"You might be right," Sakura agrees with a smile. "You can take a bath today. As long as you keep your arm out of the water, there won't be a problem. We'll also clear the windows and change your sheets."

"Thank you. I really need it," I say with a smile.

A sudden, vile itching attacks my burning fingers. I glare at my hands, at my bare nails that I really want to rub on something for obscure reasons. These damn itches have come back to bother me! Why?! I groomed my nails, and it obviously didn't help. All I've accomplished is to cause suspicious pain.

"What's wrong, Kakashi-Sensei?" my student worries.

I place the ice pack on my sheets and subtly slide my fingertips into it. The cold calms my pain, but the horrible tickling persists. "I'm just hungry, that's all," I lie, although I'm a tiny bit hungry for once.

She gives a radiant smile. The fact that I want to eat must reassure her, especially with the gruesome possibility that I adopt a diet similar to Naruto. "I'll make sure we bring you lunch shortly. Rest and don't push yourself today."

I nod. As soon as she leaves my room, I turn my attention back to my hands, growling. To say I'm mad would be an understatement. This annoys me like never before, especially since I can't do anything about it like I don't know the cause of this horrible phenomenon. I'm too lucid to dream; I don't think I'm hallucinating either.

As for Naruto, he stares at me with a disapproving look, as if he's saying "I told you so" in his own way.

"Alright! Got it! I'm not touching my nails anymore," I fume, rubbing my damn nails on my thighs.

- XxX -

Since Sakura's revelations, I sniff myself a little too often; a hope of noticing this distressing change too. It intrigues Naruto, who inspects me with his nose—something that makes me uncomfortable. My body odour seems normal to him, but I can't trust him. Of course, my nose doesn't detect any change, any strangeness… The fact that I can't smell it leads me to believe that it's not the case, that they're wrong all along. The overwhelming scent of Naruto anchored itself on me the same way it did on the walls of my apartment.

I convince myself of that.

It can only be that.

Naruto is content to take a nap while I tackle my breakfast, which quickly makes me sick. Uselessly, I complain like a sulking child. To make matters worse, I have trouble holding my chopsticks due to my sore fingers. Struggling against the urge to regurgitate everything, I take forever to finish my meal. I fight my useless stomach, which has no choice but to give up. Hunger returns little by little … although I almost run to the bathroom to throw up.

The nurses bring me snacks every hour. Each time, it's a mental battle with myself to swallow them. If I blindly listened to my body, I'd stop eating and hide my food to fool the staff… The fact that this thought crosses my mind once in a while worries me greatly.

In the meantime, the sheets on my bed are changed and the windows are cleared; the light rays sting my retina. Somehow, I miss the soft darkness. I get a change of clothes. I'll finally take a nice hot bath and scrub off my disgusting body, which is seriously starting to itch. Naruto also got clean clothes. He will have to wait; I plan to take the first dip.

Maybe this bath will chase away that suspicious smell they supposedly smelled?

Excitedly, I grab my IV stand and go to the bathroom under the diligent supervision of the blond. I have to turn him away again at the entrance since he wants to come with me. To my misfortune, I have to argue with Naruto, who is determined to violate my privacy with his unwanted presence. He ends up standing guard outside the door, sulking and growling, his arms crossed. Exasperated, I let out a big sigh.

As the bath fills with hot water, I undress before staring at my reflection. With this unhealthy thinness, these hideous scars on my arms and these numerous bruises that I gave myself this morning, I'm not a pretty sight; I have difficulty recognizing myself. I slide a careful hand over my chest; I trace an imaginary diamond that I scratch with my sore nails. For a flash, I see a black mark decorated with lightning bolts of the same black. With anguish, I analyze my back, this mark on my neck. From top to bottom, I caress my back. The fear of abstract designs sketching out on it makes me shiver, even if there's nothing except this mark that my silver locks partially cover.

I stare at my right eye that is … foreign. I'm pierced entirely by my own iris, which forces me to hold my breath; I have goosebumps and my hairs stand up. My pupil is still round and isn't blinded by light. Since my chakra reserves are acceptable, I look at my Sharingan. I frown.

Unlike the other, my red eye is normal and doesn't give me chills. This eyeball preciously entrusted by Obito is the same. I recognize my closest friend in the latter; he watches over me, sees the future unjustly taken from him alongside me. I raise an eyebrow. It's only now that I notice that it takes time to get used to the darkness; the right one has already adjusted for quite a while…

I sigh, sliding a hand through my silver mane, which has lost its enchanting elegance. I've been plagued by hallucinations since the examinations carried out on this mark. My brain mischievously and too often distorts my hands with deadly, nonexistent claws. I see myself back at that dark time when Rin's blood wouldn't leave my hands, no matter how many times I washed them, to the point of gradually peeling off my skin. Am I so terrified of losing my humanity...?

I'm released from my torments when my foot is wet. Lost in my thoughts, I completely forgot about my overflowing bath.

"Oh no! Damn, damn!"

I hasten to turn off the tap and dip my hand to remove the plug and lower the water level. In the meantime, I mop the floor with a towel. In my condition, I could lose my footing and slip. I grab a cloth, with which I hide my face. I replace the plug and sit in the bathtub, keeping my arm connected to the solution out of the water. I exhale a breath of absolute well-being. After spending an eternity in a bed, the comfort is euphoric. If I could, I'd immerse myself underwater, until my lungs cried out for air.

I find a comfortable position and close my eyes. I let myself be lulled by the peaceful silence. I completely clear my head. I manage to lock away all the anxious and destructive thoughts in a corner of my mind.

I open my eyes and jump, letting out a muffled cry. Naruto is crouching in front of my bathtub and staring at me. Subconsciously, I bend my legs to hide from him. My heart is racing; my face is overheating.

How long has he been here?! I didn't hear him come in and approach me at all. Naruto has completely erased his presence and escaped all my keen and always alert senses, especially when I want to be alone. I swallow; that he can surprise me like this makes me anxious.

After a few wheezes, I frown. "What are you doing here, Naruto?! I told you to stay out! So, get out!" I grumble, pointing at the door.

Naruto ignores me and looks at the watery matter. He dips a hand to feel the water—in response, I arch my back and try to step back … in vain. He removes his hand, pouting. The water immediately leaves his hydrophobic skin, protected by an invisible force. He seems disappointed … disappointed not to be able to enjoy the bath.

Is he thinking that I'm gonna share my water with him with me in it?!

"Naruto! I told you to get out of the bathroom! Go away!"

Stubborn as a mule, Naruto turns a deaf ear. He dips his damn hand back in, repeats the same ritual of hope that ends in disappointment. Angry, I growl, make my throat vibrate; a blue vein bulges on my temple. Since he's an earth entity, the blond is immune to water and can't get wet. I… I realize he can't wash himself for as long as he is. He won't be able to rinse properly if his body repels any liquid like a disturbing magnetic field.

I conclude with another much darker observation.

With a trembling hand, I touch the back of my neck, this mark. If the nature of my chakra was fire, I couldn't wet my skin; I would have been obliged to avoid rain, showers, baths, swimming… All of a sudden, I find myself extremely lucky. I can protect my neck from the wind. The nature of fire would have rotted my life to an unimaginable extent…

Meanwhile, Naruto continues to put his damn hands in my water, thus violating my privacy…

"Stop putting your hands in my bath, Naruto! You can't even get wet! So you get out of the bathroom!"

Naruto emits a muffled complaint and refuses to obey me since he just stands there; his good-for-nothing ears are blocked. For a few seconds, he stares at his hands. Then he asks for my chakra by holding them out towards me. He wants to imbue himself my lightning chakra and enjoy the water…

If you think I'm gonna let you into my bath, you're wrong!

"I see you coming, Naruto. I'll never let you get into my bathtub. There's no room for both of us. You stop asking my chakra for that. No."

The teenager makes another complaint while pouting; at that, his black tail jostles like an angry cat. He insists on staying in the bathroom and refuses to leave. I don't want to get out of the hot water and throw him outside; I'm too comfortable there to leave it. I regret not having soaped myself immediately. Washing myself in the presence of a potentially voyeuristic Naruto gives me an unpleasant shiver that runs down my spine. His tendency to desecrate my personal space and my privacy doesn't delight me at all. I don't know why, but it bothers me that he's witnessing my nudity now.

Although he stares at me with disappointment, he no longer puts his hands in my water. I sigh; I don't have the energy to argue with my annoying student…

My heart stops as he approaches me—more specifically, my head to cover me in drool. I push him away immediately when he brings his hands to my hair.

"NO! NO WAY! YOU LEAVE ME ALONE!"

Determined to submit me to his disgusting ritual, he insists on reaching my innocent hair. I have to fight like a madman to save my hair that asked for nothing. He tries to grab my wrists, but he doesn't want to scratch me. My crazy arms gesticulating in all directions prevent him from grabbing them without risk. This turns the situation to my advantage … not for long, that said.

The sapphire-eyed boy grabs one of my arms with his tail. Before I can react, he captures my second arm with his tail, securely tying my upper limbs together, making sure to keep them away from my head. I try to pull my hands out, but his grip is too strong. My only means of defence is neutralized, and I don't want to straighten my legs. Naruto wraps his arms around my head to keep it completely still and therefore grooms my hair with his vile mutated tongue. I'm taken hostage; I'm too weak to escape.

I can't rival him.

Reluctantly, I give up in silence.

Annoyed, I growl through my teeth.

I can only endure. I'm trapped in my bath, slowly covered in saliva, which cools my scalp and my face stained with his nasty drool. He squeezes my arms so tightly that they are prey to worrying tingling sensations; they suffocate and become numb.

At least I can clean my face as soon as he's finished…

"Take care of yours instead of fixating on mine," I grumble.