It was the same sky Shinji had gazed at for his entire life. The scene wasn't unfamiliar to him: collapsed buildings emerging from miles of still water like mangled icebergs, strung with wire from fallen telephone poles drained of their electricity. He'd watched the sky bathe those buildings in a fiery red, the water speckled with shining lights of white and yellow from the setting sun plenty of times. But this was the first time he had actually found it all so beautiful.

He knew it was because of him.

Shivering, still dripping with water, Shinji fumbled with the buttons on his shirt, trying to put it back on. He had invited Shinji to swim with him in that endless expanse of shining lake, and now the two of them were dressing themselves again. Ashamed of himself, Shinji couldn't decide if he'd rather continue to look at the sky or turn to the other boy. How was it that his body seemed so pretty?

"The sky is beautiful now, isn't it?"

"It is." Shinji stared down at Kaworu's arms as he said it. He could see there the only blemishes Kaworu had on his entire body; his wrists were lined with slashes, some clearly put there long ago, others fresher. He wanted to touch them, to ask about them, but he couldn't. "It really is..."

Kaworu turned to him when he'd buttoned up his navy sleeves, covering the scars. Shinji almost felt giddy, as if the marks were a secret of Kaworu's body only he knew of.

Blue eyes sparkling in the sunset, Kaworu murmured, "Hey, you were crying earlier - what happened? I wasn't trying to scare you by letting go."

His clothes hung off him a little strangely, but Shinji didn't attempt to fix himself further. He turned away from Kaworu's eyes. "It wasn't that," he returned, voice shaking. He knew it wasn't the chill of his moist skin that was making it shake like that. Tears pricked at the corners of his eyes. "Y-You didn't hold me when I came closer, and I thought I was gonna drown. When you grabbed me, I didn't feel relieved. I-It made me wish you'd let me drown."

Kaworu was staring at him, almost innocently curious. "Why would you wish for that? That would kill you."

Shinji shook his head, continuing to shiver. "It's when I'm near you, Kaworu-kun... it's because the way your arms felt around me made me think about how little I deserved to feel it. I'm so pathetic... I don't deserve to have you near me. I just felt like it would be better if I'd died. Then I wouldn't have to be in your future."

Blonde hair rippled lightly as Kaworu turned back to the sky. Shinji was having a hard time reading his face in the shadows. "Is that really the kind of stuff you think about when you're with me?"

He looked down. It was like something was lodged in his throat, but it wasn't the kind of lump formed from crying. It was urging him to say something bold. He didn't like it.

"I can't help it. I can't help but hate how I am when I'm with you... but it's the best kind of hate I've ever felt. I shouldn't like it; I should know this isn't right, especially because we're both-" he swallowed.

"I hate myself because of how good you make me feel. I've never felt like this before..."

Shinji looked up at him, but Kaworu was almost entirely in shadow. The sun had set. "Kaworu-kun, I-"

"I'm sorry, Shinji-kun."

The lump had risen then quickly disappeared. Shinji felt his insides empty, and his voice died away. All he could see now was the back of Kaworu's head.

"But I can't... not like this." He turned very slightly in Shinji's direction but didn't make eye contact. "It seems no matter what I do, I end up hurting you."

Distant, his tone almost sounded like it'd come from another person. Shinji could barely hear a trace of the boy he'd laughed with so many times over the past week. For some reason, Shinji almost thought it sounded more familiar, more sincere and pained than he'd ever heard.

"Maybe it's better like this." Kaworu walked a few paces away, back towards the elevated Tokyo-3. He hesitated for only a breath. "I'll see you tomorrow at school."

When Kaworu passed out from the two buildings they'd been standing between, Shinji felt something snap, like a tether attaching their bodies together had been cut.

Just like everyone else, Kaworu had no intention of staying. He'd had no wish to remain by Shinji's side, and now he had left, exactly as Shinji should've anticipated. So, it shouldn't have ached like this.

Hadn't he gotten used to this feeling already?

But as the tears began to fall and trail off his bowed face, Shinji couldn't help but think about how he hadn't even gotten the words out. Even after it all, he couldn't tell one person that he loved them. And even after it all, the one person he'd ever loved wouldn't even hear it from him.

Kaworu surely hated him, just as he should. And now he was gone.

What a ruined boy he was.

...

"Hey! You need to get up, Shinji! You have to come to synchronizations!"

Intense, almost irrational annoyance bubbled up in Shinji's chest. He derisively stayed facing the wall beneath his covers. "I'm not going."

Asuka scoffed. "Have you even gotten out of bed in the last two days? You haven't gotten up for school either." She was met with silence. "Come on, quit pouting like a toddler just because the Fifth doesn't want to hold your hand-"

"You shut your dirty mouth!" Shinji wheeled around, making Asuka jump. He continued in a raised voice, "You don't have the right to say that, not when you spread around that disgusting rumor about us! Everyone at school thinks we're dating because of you, and now he hates me!"

Blue eyes wide, Asuka took a moment to recover, then sneered. "You think he dropped you because of me?! Oh, you can never do anything wrong, can you? It couldn't possibly be that he just isn't a boy-loving perv like you, could it?!"

"Get out!" he screamed, teary eyed. "Get out of my room!"

The door thumped hard as Asuka slid it forcefully behind her, leaving behind a ringing silence. Shinji dug his nails into his hair, barely holding back from yelling.

It wasn't just Kaworu, it was everyone. Everyone hated him. No one cared enough to bother with him anymore, so why should he care either?

He raised his head slightly, hands shaking. An empty feeling expanded in his chest.

He didn't have to care. He didn't need to keep going anymore, and it wasn't like anyone would try to help him. He was of no use. He was alone.

Shinji sat like a statue on his bed, a numb tear dropping onto his lap.

...

He had a bad feeling. A really bad feeling.

Kaworu imagined that if he was a normal lilin, his synchro rates would've dropped from all the mental dissonance, but just as always, they were perfect. The beasts were exact copies of his being, after all.

LCL bubbled up around him as he thought. He hadn't seen Shinji in two days - ever since he'd left him at the lakeshore. Even thinking about it now, Kaworu felt guilt crawl around his stomach. He liked Shinji, truly, he did. He'd never met a boy so like himself, so filled with pain and loneliness and fear. Meeting him, he'd felt like, for the first time in his life, he was understood, heard.

Shinji was kind, fragile. Kaworu enjoyed the knowledge that he seemed to be the only one who could make him smile and giggle - forget his depression even if it was only for a moment. He liked spending time with him, watching him hesitate when Kaworu suggested something, then agree, trust apparent in his eyes. And Kaworu felt happy too, knowing Shinji had the exact same effect on him. Shinji knew how to make him laugh, to make him forget about the scars that throbbed and smarted on his wrists - stop him from thinking about adding more.

Even just the thought of him made his heart feel so light and fluttery and his cheeks heat up and pull into a smile. He was timid, but convicted and kind. He had such a sweet face...

...A sweet face which he had left devastated and sorrowful. Kaworu's smile slipped away. How selfish of him to think about how much he liked Shinji when he had denied his feelings outright.

His blonde hair fanned out around his head, weightless and wispy in the liquid. He thought back to the last time he'd seen him, when Shinji had prefaced his confession by telling him how much he hated himself for having those feelings. He'd looked so conflicted. Even though Kaworu was ecstatic to know he felt the same way, he was also discomforted.

Had he really wanted to drown himself just because he liked another person? Just because he thought Kaworu was better than him? Or else, was it because he was a boy?

Kaworu's eyes fluttered open beneath pale lashes. He looked ahead, the Nerv personnel murmuring to each other in mild amazement just as they always did when his sync rates were tested. He breathed deeply, the feel of liquid flooding into his lungs familiar, comfortable. He'd gotten so used to the scent of blood that fresh air was less friendly.

But it was normal, oxygenated air he took in when he was allowed to leave the room and head off towards the showers. Everything was quiet except for his steps. Shinji was supposed to be walking beside him, talking to him. Kaworu felt longing, but he knew it wasn't right.

He really did like him, but if Shinji wanted to hurt himself because of Kaworu, then maybe it was better this way, with the two of them going their separate ways. He felt sick, guilty knowing that he had made Shinji think he didn't like him back. He wanted to tell him how he really felt, but Shinji's mental state was much more important than Kaworu's desire to hold him.

If Shinji couldn't stand the thought of allowing himself to be with the person he liked, Kaworu didn't want to enable it. Shinji's feelings were his own to figure out, and it was selfish to consider his own desires instead.

Even still, Kaworu was yearning, yearning and jealous. He couldn't help but wonder if Shinji would be any less anguished if he had been a girl. It'd always felt so superficial to him - the form a human being took - but it seemed important to Shinji: being normal.

And of course, dating another boy wasn't normal. Not to most. Kaworu couldn't have cared if he tried, but if what Shinji needed to be happy was a thin-waisted, high voiced, female lilin, then there was little he could do.

And even beyond that, Kaworu wasn't a lilin. He simply didn't fit among these people, even if he wished he could. Shinji deserved someone more like him, someone who wasn't born from Adam.

It wasn't often Kaworu cried, yet he couldn't help it. He was reminded again of the sight of Shinji's tearful face as he'd held onto him as he flailed in the river. They were so alike... too alike. It hurt.

Maybe a swim was what he needed to clear his head right now.

...

Disturbed water glittered and sloshed around his ankles as he dragged his feet further into the flood. As it licked at the hem of his pants, he momentarily wondered about undressing first, but he realized the condition of his clothes didn't much matter anymore. Not for what he was going to do.

It wasn't like he'd feel them on his body much longer anyway.

Despite the decision and his conviction of it, Shinji's heart still thumped hard and nervously in his chest. It was as if it knew what was going to happen to it. He wavered as he thought, realizing how intensely his organs were working to keep him alive, to keep him standing there, hesitating. He swallowed, but kept going, the water flowing around his thighs now, hands dragging beneath the surface. It was cold.

Shinji looked up at the sunset, the same one he's watched with Kaworu... that perfect boy. The one who didn't want him. Who, just like everyone else, had left him behind, and rightfully so. No one cared, and why should they anyway? He was little more than a caged animal, just taking up space, stealing oxygen from the people who really needed it.

The water was up to his shoulders now. Shinji felt heavy, like it was pressing in on him from the outside, crushing him. His heart panicked faster.

This was the point at which he couldn't stand anymore. If he moved any further out, he'd drown, without any hope of saving himself. Kaworu wasn't there to grab onto him like he had last time and he'd never learned to swim. Shinji would get his wish. He'd finally drown.

He teetered, arms suspended beneath the water as if to keep his balance, to prevent him from falling off the tips of his toes and sinking, falling lower and lower into the golden-lit water. Fear gripped him almost as completely as the water around his chin. Why did even this have to be so difficult?

With a small choking noise, Shinji closed his eyes, hoping the sight of that sunset would be his last. He pushed himself forward, beyond the point of no return.

He couldn't think whether the little thrill that passed through him as he did it was joyous or afraid, because he was overcome then by such an intense, encompassing regret that all else was washed from his mind. He hadn't taken any breath before he'd thrown himself forward, intending to get it done quickly, yet he still tried to hold it anyway. It was near impossible to focus when he was so busy panicking about sinking, and with a few internal, repressed chokes, Shinji automatically cried out and gasped.

Water flooded into his mouth and airways, the feeling so full and completely divulging that Shinji opened his eyes, stinging, blurring the sight of the surface of the red-gold river, obscured by bubbles and sloshing made by his struggling.

Distantly, he could feel his chest burn, but he was much more surprised by how clear his mind was. He hadn't expected the time to think, and he wished he didn't have to.

This was how he would die. Stuck an arm's-length from the surface of a lake, staring up at the sky he'd soon be a part of. What a pathetic way to go, by drowning himself. How long could his life had been had he just accepted Kaworu's rejection? How long could he have lived if he had just moved on?

He came to the cowardly conclusion at the worst moment: he didn't want to die, not yet, not here.

But with one last push of regret, Shinji's arms grew too heavy to flail. Even the urge to wretch couldn't seem to finish signaling to his brain. It was all too much effort. And in any case, he was so tired, so floaty. It was calm here in the lake, warm, safe. Just like his mother's arms.

His eyelids fell shut as he sunk, legs dragging down the inclined lake floor. Maybe the bottom of the lake would make a pleasant resting place... One where he wouldn't have to worry anymore.

Not about his father, not about the Evas, nor Kaworu, nor anything else.

Maybe he would be free there, where no one else could touch him.

...

Shinji gasped, rasping, throat on fire. He turned, arms shaking as he threw up the water that'd filled his lungs. Before he could collapse into the puddle, he was pulled back into someone's arms.

"Keep coughing; get it out."

His cheekbone pressed against the person's shoulder as he slumped against them. Eyes watering, he continued to sputter and swallow. His throat must've been horribly torn.

Though, he didn't give himself all the time he needed to recover before he pulled back to stare at his savior, his blonde hair soaked limp and brown, navy clothes hanging heavy with water. He was panting as he kneeled on the hard ground, propping Shinji up with difficulty.

"Y-You, I..."

Kaworu pulled him into a tight hug. Shinji winced, his chest incredibly sore.

"I'm sorry... I'm sorry," Kaworu murmured against Shinji's soaked hair.

Shinji's arms felt too heavy to lift. He just let them sit uselessly at his sides as Kaworu continued to hug him. His eyes filled with tears as it all settled over him.

"Why?" Shinji's voice cracked.

Kaworu held him still tighter. Shinji didn't care that it hurt. "I can't let you go. No matter how I try to resist, you make it so hard." He breathed shakily. "How could you ever expect me to just watch you kill yourself? For what? For me?"

The weaker boy sobbed, shoulders heaving. "Why don't you hate me? Wh-Why don't you want me to die just like everyone else? It's disgusting how I feel about you."

Shaking his head, Kaworu dug his nails slightly into Shinji's shoulder as he held him. "It's not. It isn't. It seems like no matter what I do, I just end up hurting you." He stroked Shinji's hair clumsily. "I just thought I could - if I stopped seeing you, it would be better...

"I'm so sorry..."

Shinji whimpered, then wrapped his arms around Kaworu in return. He wasn't supposed to be doing this, hugging Kaworu, being with him. He was supposed to be dead.

But it felt so good to be alive.

"I don't wanna go... I don't wanna die."

"It's okay," Kaworu comforted, still holding his head. "I'm here now."

Shinji's tears mingled with the water covering Kaworu's uniform. "I-I love you."

The other boy hesitated. "I know," then, "...I feel the same."

He allowed himself to fall fully into Kaworu's body. He didn't want to move right now - he was just happy to be alive, here in this boy's arms.

But even still, Shinji couldn't stop himself from feeling a heavy, awful pressure in his chest. Kaworu was here; he was holding him tightly in his arms, but no matter how much he tried to focus on the feeling, on the wonderful press of Kaworu's being, that pressure wouldn't go away.

He couldn't help but fear that something terrible was going to happen to this boy. That this first time holding him would be his last.

That Kaworu would be the one to drown instead.

He tugged Kaworu tighter into his arms, his blonde hair twined in his fingers.