AN/

Well...I apologize?

Have fun?

I kind of hate everything I wrote here, but decided fuck it and post anyway?

If you find Grammar errors, let me know, i1m not a native english anything so, you probably will.

They are in middle school so beware offensive humor.

Also, Suicidal thought, Self Harm and Depression with a bit of Abusive parents.

You've been warned

She blinked twice at the gray, crusty wall before her. She raised her small, dainty hands in front of her, bony wrists flexing under supple flesh, skin turning a yellow-white in the places where the skin stretched over her sharp bones. Her bitten nails, with chipped black nail polish, stuck against the grittiness of the concrete, as she tried to push and slap against the unmoving wall, caging her in. It was all in vain. Her efforts only served to reawaken a dull ache on the skin of her slowly reddening palms, breaths quickening in panic. She swallowed down her fear, trying not to cough at the horrible thin air around her.

She didn't know how she got stuck in this thoroughly confined space, she only knew that there was no way out. She slapped at the wall again in annoyance, then clicked her tongue, and rolled back her head to ease her cramming neck muscles... only to have the back of her head bang loudly and painfully against the concrete. Her panic rose once more, as she tried to look around the tight four walls she was confined in. She felt claustrophobic, trying her damnedest to not vomit all over herself at the realization there was no door.

However, when she turned her head right, she could see a window right next to her. She wanted to punch herself as she realized that was where her light came from. Her reflection was distorted, but she could somehow still make out the shadows that were right behind her. Watching her. She didn't mind them.

Outside was only sky, so she imagined she was up very high. Maybe that's why she felt like she was suffocating. Or maybe the walls were slowly closing in.

She felt her previous panic disappear, as a smile slowly started to tug on her lips.

She was okay with this. She didn't fear death, she welcomed it. So with one last breath, she gave up her air. Her control.

She was free.

And they were finally happy.

It was all as meant to be.

Her eyes popped open and she yawned in despair. It was still dark outside, and she was incredibly tired, but she knew after that dream, she wasn't going to get any sleep, no matter how hard she tried.

She sighed and stretched out across her bed like a cat, then grabbed her phone off her bedside table, and cringed at the sudden light that invaded her retinas. She noticed the never-ending notifications on her Insta, but ignored them in favor of her more private online persona's Tumblr page. Her hundreds of blog posts filled her screen after the page loaded, filled to the brim with depression posts and other human garbage teens her age loved to flaunt, like their pain made them cool somehow. Some of her commenters sent out sweet words of encouragement, while others tried to discourage her after the last few days' posts she made.

Honestly, she appreciated both. The encouragement, because it made her feel like she wasn't alone, and the discouragement, because it made her feel like some people, even if strangers, cared about her. She wasn't the type to care about other people's words, however, so the choice ultimately depended on her and Ken.

She quickly abandoned that train of thought and decided to scroll through some of her favorite tags, liking and reblogging the usual. As she stared at a video of a girl she followed slicing into the flesh of her own thigh, admiring the bright red blood that followed the razor like a friend, she got interrupted by a Tumblr message notification. Lo and behold, it was the man of her dreams. She tapped on his icon, and let the messages flood her screen.

Chocholatedinosour023: Alice

My Tl is filled with SH again

Are you okay?

AliceofMadhatterland: i'm fine, just woke up from a nightmare

u?

u're not usually up this late ken

She waited for her friend to type out his reply, wondering if she was in the right mood to check her Insta DMs, not doubting that it was filled with suicide baiting, slurs, and other pretty little bullying tactics from her dumbass peers.

She used to feel ill at the idea of hurting herself, or others hurting themselves. There was a time she was normal... Not really, but she tried to be, she was so young back then, she wanted to fit in still. Most of the time, she looked at bullies and laughed in their faces for being such pathetic losers that they had to bring others down for self-pleasure. The pinnacle of human stupidity. Nowadays, the idea that she shared her precious breathing air with such vile, lowlife creatures, made her want to do the same thing the video she clicked away from to talk to Ken has shown. Just instead of just thighs, all over maybe... Vertically on the wrist. Deeply stab into the neck. For maximum chance of death.

Chocholatedinosour023: I'm good

Just got yelled at again

Guess I'll never be manly enough

AliceofMadhatterland: you are perfect to me ken ❤🔥

Chocholatedinosour023: (⊙_⊙)(＞＜)

Alice! Stop it!

She huffed, holding back a laugh to not wake her parents. She stood up to put on some proper clothes, planning to sneak out and go for a walk.

AliceofMadhatterland: don't be shy! tell me what you're wearing (¬‿¬ )(＾་།＾)

She typed as she threw on a black sports bra under a grey knitted cardigan, buttoning it up as Ken lost his mind over the messages.

Chocholatedinosour023: Alice!

You know I have a crush on you!

Please don't tease me! (＞﹏＜)

AliceofMadhatterland: fine (¬‿¬ ), wyd rn? im bored (-_-)

She pulled on her comfiest sweats and headed out through her window, putting one foot on the window sill as she tied her old sneaker in place, climbing through halfway and doing the same with the other. She slammed herself onto the roof hanging over the back porch. If she jumped down, she would definitely feel it for a while. Probably would leave some nasty bruises too. She jumped without hesitation. She landed inside the rose bush, which was better than the empty pool, so she didn't complain.

Chocholatedinosour023: I'm getting ready to sneak out right now... As I can see from here, so are you?

Alice blinked, then looked over to the house across her own backyard. There he was. Ready to climb onto his own back porch roof. He looked as cute as ever in his fluffy hoodie and too big glasses.

She grinned and waved at him, feeling way better about the start of her day, than she has before.

Chocholatedinosour023: Do you want to go for some latenight hot chocolate? I need to tell you something!

AliceofMadhatterland: sure

dnt hurt yourself

yr livi nro m lights r still on !

Ken cringed at his phone screen.

Chocholatedinosour023: Yeah... That's the babysitter. (￣□￣」)

Alice groaned at the idea and facepalmed, getting a startled laugh to leave her boy's mouth. She wished she could have heard it. With a soft blush and smile she texted, making Ken hurridly unlock his phone to read it as he climbed down on the column.

AliceofMadhatterland: I have something to tell you too!

They sat for hours at the old diner they liked to frequent on nights like this. It was the type of place that was open night and day for just about anyone, and though it was mainly used for shady business their burgers were killer good. They used to go here during the day as well before Ken's and Laeti's relationship soured. They never did reach the Point.

As they began to walk back home, they took notice of the old park and playground they visited as kids a thousand times. The place got reconstructed a billion times, and looked better than ever before, which was unfair, considering how shitty it was when they were little, only to be fixed by the time they were too old to play anymore. Needless to say, they got distracted again.

After playing on all the stupid little equipments, they finally settled down on the net that hung between two climbers. They always chilled on that very spot when they got tired, cuddling up together and oftentimes falling asleep and flinching awake when Alice's parents began to yell at them for being promiscuous, however deranged that sounded.

It really was too bad they stopped hanging out as often as they used to. She missed him so badly.

'Alright!' He said after a very enlightening conversation about horse girls. Ken seemed to have a hard time excepting that his favorite animal was very often a subject to bad deeds. 'What's your favorite animal then?' He asked with a rare coating of sass he learned from her.

'Easy! Meercats! They be funny as hell!' She answered, thinking about cute little creatures with tiny noses and huge eyes standing stock still, gazing over the horizon.

He looked at her in disappointment.

'Because of Timon, right?' He asked, face slowly contorting into one of uncomfortable acceptance.

She cringed, remembering her childhood crush on the poor creature.

'No!' She yelped. 'They are just very cool! Like… They immune to venom, and are very intelligent! They don't drink water and live underground! I want to live underground!' She listed in a panic, trying not to look bothered by his critical gaze.

'Right,' he nodded, 'it's not at all weird furry shit.' He grinned, voice way too indifferent at the pain he just caused her.

'I'm not a furry Ken!' She yelled, feeling deeply offended that he'd even mention that. 'I was a kid, okay?'

'Yeah, yeah, sure!' He waved her off, letting an awkward silence overwhelm the both of them. When he spoke again, Alice contemplated hitting him. 'It wouldn't be a problem if you were, you know?' He looked away in embarrassment.

Getting genuinely annoyed, she reiterated 'I'm not! There's too much Zoophilia among those people!' She grumbled.

'I mean… Not all of them are zoophiles! Most of them are pretty nice and chill people actually!' He fidgeted with a blush.

'There's enough for me not to want to be involved!' She shrugged, trying to erase all those nasty news articles from her mind. 'But this ain't why we're here!' She smiled, turning towards him and catching his pretty green eyes with her own dark stare.

'Yeah— I think what I need to tell you is worse somehow…' He scratched the back of his head nervously, turning towards her.

'I'm listening,' she put a patient hand on his knee, and just for funsies, added 'it's not like you're confessing you're a furry~ or gay, pick your poison.' She snickered at the beet-red look he gave her, eyes wide, mouth falling open in a gape like a fish.

'Alice!' He cried.

'Ken!' She answered, mimicking his alarmed tone.

'Stop please!' He covered his face at her laughter. Then she abruptly quieted, like she just had a realization. He peeked out from under his arms, flinching back at the shocked look on her face which was quickly morphing into horror.

'Oh no.' He muttered. 'Whatever you're thinking, no!' He pointed to her face with his index finger.

'Wait-' she began, cogs still turning in her brain. Ken usually loved her mind and most of its creations, but this time he felt dread crawl up on his spine. She stared at him with slowly widening eyes as she blurted 'Is that what this is?' She felt a tug in her chest at the idea. Was his crush on her a cover up?

He began to wave at her at the accusation 'NO!'

'Oh my god…' She stared at him for a few moments, before her brain began to work again, yelling 'I'm so sorry! I promise I don't mind it!'

She suddenly felt horrible at her homophobic jokes. It never occurred to her before that she'd be hurting someone by them. Heck, she only joked about it because she had things to hide, and no one like herself to feel comforted by. The idea that she subjected Ken to such immature jokes all this time made her stomach form knots. He didn't deserve that.

'I swear I was only joking! I support you no matter what!' She rambled, even as he continuously waved his hands to stop her.

'No! No, no! I'm not!' He stopped for a second, wry twist to his mouth indicating his distaste for the lie he just told. 'Well… Don't want to lie…' He whispered, putting a finger to his lips, contemplating the pros and cons, then he looked up for a second into her eyes, his own widening in surprise as he shook his head quickly at the look in her eyes. 'No! I like you, I can't be gay, why would you even-?'

They both fell silent, air heavy with unsaid things they desperately wanted to share with each other. They were both caught in the panic of being found out, not realizing the irony of the situation.

But then, taking a deep breath, filling herself with all the bravery she had, Alice spoke.

'I mean- women are fine as hell sometimes. Finer than men even.' She turned away from him, staring blankly at the slowly lightening skyline as dawn began to raise the sun, causing the birds to chirp frantically like the gossiping bastards they were.

He gaped at her admission, before taking his own deep breath and whispering into the chirp disturbed silence. 'Yeah… Men too.' He hung his head in shame at the idea of his dad ever finding out.

Alice swallowed, then after a beat, she put a comforting hand on his shoulder and squeezed, thinking about the beating she'd get from her own parents if they found out.

They both stared into the distance together, fearing what all this meant, but taking comfort in each other anyway, knowing they were not alone.

Then abruptly, came the yelling they could hear echoing all the way from Ken's home. His parents were home.

'Oh shit' Alice hissed in a scared whisper. Ken was caught, which meant she was soon caught too.

'…My poor babysitter.' He sighed, burying his head in his hands as Alice stared at him, pleading for her non-existent god to keep him from harm.

After Alice's… "Hobbies" became the neighborhood's new gossip material, Ken's dad prohibited that they'd hang out in any form. He didn't want her to influence his son to do what she was doing, which was fun, considering that his son was the influence that kept her alive all this time. But Giles didn't know that. He never asked, he just yelled at her to get the fuck out of his house, and to never even dream of going near Ken again. That didn't stop her from seeing him at school, nor did it stop Manon, Ken's mom, from giving her a ride alongside Ken to and from school once in a while. She was a lot more understanding with her, even if she did passively ask her to leave Ken's life if she wanted him to be happy. It really was such a shame. She really did start to reciprocate his feelings, just to be forced away.

'Oh fuck!' Alice breathed as Ken began to climb out of the net. She followed him as she began to wrack her brain for possible places they could hide, to delay the inevitable.

Soon, the entire neighborhood was awake trying to help the Franc and Lerhay fathers, who were currently in a screaming match with each other, with Manon disapprovingly chastising her husband who was ready to beat Philippe to a pulp. Lucia was already starting up her car, completely abandoning her husband, ready to chase Alice by herself if she had to.

Alice and Ken were safely tucked away in Laeti's old treehouse, however, not a speck of regret or guilt inside them, as they listened to the neighborhood's bustling, shame filling them at their fathers behaviors. Laeti gave them a thumbs up from her window, making sure the two of them got up there without her parents seeing them. It wasn't going to last, but at least they had a few more minutes together.

The three of them used to be best friends, but Laeti got with the wrong crowd, Alice became severely depressed and self-isolated, and Ken started getting bullied, so the three of them didn't hang out anymore. Laeti and Alice still met up to talk once or twice a month, but Alice felt like even with that they were growing apart. Growing apart hurt, but at least she still somewhat had Ken. She had no idea what she'd do without him.

Laeti at least for the old friendship they had, was there to help them out with hiding when they snuck out to talk, even if she no longer wanted to be involved with the talks. At this point, their parents knew the specific spots they hid in, even if Alice had the wonderful mind to always change where they were, making sure there was no routine. Sometimes they were switching between these spots to fuck with them, in a way of getting back at the abuse they handled from them. (Ken still didn't want to accept when Alice said his dad was abusive, even if he saw the similarities between his and Alice's parents.)

Jumping between the Diner, the park, the nearby lake, the abandoned bird watch cabin in the woods, and of course, Laeti's old treehouse, was something that frustrated Alice's parents like nothing before, and she felt a swell of satisfaction, knowing she managed to make them feel just the slightest bit as bad as they made her feel like every day. She was scared she'd get as addicted to fucking with them and rebelling against them as she was to self-harm.

The repercussions would not be pretty, they never were, but usually, it was Alice who had to worry about beatings and starvation and other creative ways they made her suffer when she wasn't picturesque. This time, she feared Ken would get hit too, especially because he was with her and not alone. Giles wasn't a violent man, he just verbally berated Ken for not being manly enough, but never raised a hand. Manon would probably kill him if he did. It was in no way okay, verbal abuse was still abuse, but at least Alice could give Ken the validation he deserved whenever he felt like he was too soft, or not good enough to be loved. She didn't think there was much she could do to help with bruises besides hand him foundation to cover them, which she didn't want to even contemplate.

She didn't want Ken hurt, but she knew he wouldn't budge from her side until he was forced to leave it. They liked each other's company. It was a necessary comfort they both needed. They weren't going to abandon each other.

As they both sat in front of the little window overlooking the neighborhood in chaos, Alice, while softly laying her head on Ken's shoulder, began to wonder.

Wonder if this is how her life would always be. Trapped between four walls, with only the shadows of her own mind to keep her company. How long would it take for Ken to be ripped away from her too? She didn't want to think about what she'd do when the time came. She'd probably not survive by the next hour.

Without him, she had no purpose. She currently existed to ward off his bullies, and he existed to keep her alive. They both accepted that, but the rest of the world seemed to not understand it.

Laeti said during their latest conversation that that wasn't healthy, but she was dating the PE teacher, so she probably shouldn't talk.

He went rigid but didn't move away, only leaning into her warmth the slightest bit.

She wanted so badly to be free of this. But for him, she'd stay. She already was only living for that smile anyway.

He seemed just as deep in thought as her, after he finally snuggled up to her, putting an arm around her waist. They were both staring into the streets in silence, dread filling them with every passing second.

She wanted so badly to just hold him forever. This wasn't fair. She didn't want to be fucked up in the head. Why was she faulted for this? She was thirteen years old, and she doubted the other kids were smarter than her. They were happier and loved by their parents. They dealt with their pain by talking with their parents, and she dealt with hers by cutting it away. She was scared. She couldn't understand why no one wanted to help her. She was literally posting her pain to ask for help every day. But only strangers on the internet cared, even they were a scarce few. Maybe she was the problem after all. Maybe she deserved this, and her bullies were right.

'I'm just going to say it.' Said Ken, snapping her out of her destructive thoughts, making her jerk up straight in surprise as his voice harshly cut through the steady stream of negativity in her head.

She patiently waited, falling silent for once with no sarcastic joke to retort at him. Those beautiful greens directed all their attention to her, taking her breath away.

He gulped then whispered, not knowing how his next words would cause such an intense butterfly effect, they completely changed the course of the story, shattering any and all chance for the redemption of a person they didn't know yet, and would desperately cling to in the near future. Cities away from them, black hair was messily flowing in the wind, while that person's eyes gazed along the school roof, planning the final jump.

That person would be doomed. Ken would be doomed. People they didn't know would be doomed. Everyone was doomed.

'My dad's sending me off to Military School.'

Alice was forever doomed.

AN/

If you want to stick around I promise it gets worse before it gets better... Or better and then worse and then better. Oh whatever, it's not a happy story for most of it, but I'm sure since I warned for self harm you already knew that.