On the third morning after returning to WindClan, Breezepelt awoke to the sound of Ashfoot calling out names to join the dawn patrol. Despite an uneventful night, he had barely slept. It was hard getting used to sleeping around so many cats again. It was strange being back in WindClan, and even stranger having Hollyleaf there too, but it was also kind of nice. He had everyone he had ever cared about, all in one place.
Well, everyone except for Fallen Leaves. He missed his friend even more than he had expected he would. He wished he had some way of knowing if he had made it to meet his ancestors. Was he with his mother now, or was he all alone, waiting for Breezepelt to come for him? He had no way to tell.
Despite how badly he missed his new friend, he found himself feeling surprisingly welcome back in WindClan. Cats he had never considered himself to be friends with were telling him they were glad he was back. They wanted to hear his stories, and spend time with him. Were the other cats just happy to see him because he was new and exciting, or had they genuinely missed him? Had these cats thought of him while he was gone?
He and Sunstrike had never been close friends, despite being only two moons apart in age. His mother had hated her mischievous behavior, and Breezepelt had found her relentless enthusiasm exhausting. But now, he found himself to feel much more tolerant towards her attitude. Maybe she had just grown up a bit. Or maybe, she reminded him just a bit of Fallen Leaves.
Regardless of the reason, he found her to be the Clanmate he was spending the most time with. He was still with Hollyleaf whenever he could be, since he couldn't imagine how overwhelming it must be for her to suddenly have this many new Clanmates to keep track of, especially since all of WindClan was fascinated by her.
Why is she here instead of in ThunderClan? cats whispered.
Where has she been this whole time? I thought she was dead.
I thought they were both dead.
But Sunstrike seemed to have taken it upon herself to be Hollyleaf's personal guide to WindClan, and both of their sources on all of the gossip they had missed while they had been gone, so they saw a lot of her. He would never have predicted he would spent this much time with Sunstrike, but here he was
He certainly hadn't predicted he would ever spend more time with Sunstrike than Heathertail. But Heathertail would hardly even look him in the eyes. She had welcomed him back when he had returned, but then she had darted off and made it very clear she was avoiding him whenever they had both been in the camp since then.
Which was much easier for her to do, considering she slept in the nursery now.
After spending moons trying to piece together his feelings for Heathertail, the last thing he had expected to see when he returned was that she was expecting kits. He knew it wasn't fair of him to expect her to wait for him forever, but… he had expected it. Maybe she had just been his only real friend for so long that he took her for granted. It had never occurred to him that she might take another mate. But of course she had. Heathertail was the most popular cat their age. Of course he wouldn't be the only one who saw how incredible she was.
When he had finally forced himself to ask Sunstrike who the father was, she had told him it was Harespring. That had also bothered him more than it had any right to. Harespring was a good tom. He had never been unkind to Breezepelt, even when Breezepelt had probably deserved it. But he had always been so perfect that Breezepelt had never felt like he was able to compete. The only thing he had that Harespring didn't was that Heathertail liked him best. And now that was no longer true.
But even aside from his jealousy, Breezepelt missed his best friend. He didn't even know if he wanted to be Heathertail's mate, but he certainly wanted to be her friend. And now she wouldn't even talk to him. Did she just feel bad about taking another mate? Was she angry at him for leaving? Or had she just finally realized she was better off without him in her life?
As if she had been summoned by his thoughts, Heathertail was emerging from the nursery just then. Padding into the clearing, she touched noses with Harespring before he left with the dawn patrol. For a moment, she stood alone before starting back to the nursery. And Breezepelt felt a surge of anger. How dare she avoid him, as if ignoring him would erase their past together? How dare she pretend they had never been friends?
And, before he could change his mind, he stood up, crossing the clearing to get to her.
"Heathertail!" he called. She turned, and as soon as their eyes met, she dropped her gaze. Breezepelt felt anger well up in his chest again, but he forced it down.
"Oh, hey," Heathertail meowed. "I can't really talk right now, I have to go see… uh, Kestrelflight wants to check in on the kits."
"Why are you avoiding me?" he asked, cutting her off. It was obvious she had just made up a lie to get out of talking to him. But he wasn't going to take no for an answer this time. Even if she hated him now, he had to know.
"I'm not-" Heathertail started. Then she paused, and sighed. "You're right. I was. And I'm sorry. I just… I just felt bad. I didn't know how to face you. I know we were never quite mates, Breezepelt, but we nearly were. But I thought you were gone forever, and now you're back, and… I don't know what to say to you."
"I just want to talk to my friend!" he exclaimed. "I don't care if you don't know what to say. Anything you could say to me would be better than you avoiding me like this. Yell at me, get mad, I don't care. Just don't pretend I'm not here."
"You're right," she meowed softly. "I'm sorry." An awkward silence ensued. What do you say to someone you haven't seen in this many moons, especially someone so important to you?
"So… Harespring?" Breezepelt meowed finally.
Heathertail met his gaze, guilt still written across her face. "Oh, Breezepelt," she meowed. "I really did wait for you! But eventually, no one thought you'd ever come back. And Harespring and I were mentors together, and after a while being with him just started to feel… right. In a way it didn't feel right with– well, before."
Breezepelt nodded. "I'm happy for you," he meowed, and to his surprise, he found he actually meant it. Did it hurt to see that Heathertail had moved on? A bit. But he had been stressed for so long about what their relationship meant. About what would be expected of him if he came back. Would they become mates? Did he even want that? In some ways, seeing that she had well and truly moved on was comforting. He didn't have to sort through those feelings now. "I'm not sure we ever would have worked as mates," he confessed. This had become clearer and clearer to him with every moon away from her, but it had been easy to ignore when he didn't actually have to face her. Now, seeing her expecting another tom's kits, he should feel devastated. But he didn't. Instead, he felt an overwhelming sense of relief.
Heathertail nodded. "I think you might be right," she meowed. "I loved being your friend. But I don't think we were ever meant to be more than that."
Breezepelt couldn't agree more. "I loved being your friend," he meowed. "And I think it was easy enough to convince myself I wanted to be mates, too, because I felt like I should want that. But also…" He broke off, not sure if he actually should say the next part. But if they were getting everything out in the open, he might as well tell his whole truth. "Also, I think I just liked knowing that being with you made Lionblaze jealous," he confessed. "I knew you two had some history, and I liked having something he didn't. I liked knowing you chose me."
He didn't know how Heathertail would possibly respond to such a confession, but he certainly wasn't expecting her to laugh. But that's exactly what she did.
"What?" he demanded, suddenly feeling insecure. Of course that had been a stupid thing to say. She must think he was the worst cat alive to care more about what Lionblaze thought of him than his own potential mate.
But eventually, Heathertail stopped laughing long enough to speak. "I'm sorry, I'm not laughing at you!" she insisted. "I just… I've just had almost that exact thought before. After things ended with Lionblaze, I was so angry with him. I wanted a WindClan mate, to prove to myself that I was still loyal to my Clan, and I think… part of me knew how much he hated you, and thought that getting closer to you would be the best way to show him I was over him."
Breezepelt smiled. Part of him still somehow felt offended that Heathertail had been using him to get back at Lionblaze, but he realized quickly that he had no right to feel that way when he had done the exact same thing to her. Mostly, he just felt relieved Heathertail felt the same way he did. Far more the same way than he ever would have guessed.
"I guess hating the same tom isn't exactly the best foundation for a relationship," he admitted.
"I guess not," replied Heathertail with a mrrow of laughter. Another moment of silence passed between them, but it wasn't awkward this time. It was comfortable. It felt the way being with Heathertail had felt before he had ever considered the idea that they might be mates one day.
"So are we good?" Heathertail asked finally. "Like, can we just go back to being friends?" Breezepelt smiled. Friends. Yes, he very much wanted to be friends with Heathertail.
"Friends," he agreed. And Heathertail broke out into a big smile.
"Good," she meowed. "Then, now that that's out of the way…" Before he had a chance to move, she swatted him in the head with her paw.
"Ow!" he yowled.
"I missed you, you mouse-brain!" she exclaimed. "Why were you gone for so long? I was worried sick."
Even while being yelled at, he couldn't help but smile. He had missed Heathertail more than he had realized. His anxiety over not knowing what he owed to her had blocked him from remembering their friendship how it had been before it was more than that– fun, easy, and relaxed.
"I'm sorry," he meowed. "I just… had to take care of some things." This wasn't strictly true. He could have come back sooner, technically speaking. But he hadn't been ready. And besides, Fallen Leaves and Hollyleaf had needed him.
"Well, you should have told me you were alive," Heathertail scolded. "I missed you. We all did."
"You don't have to say that," Breezepelt told her. "I know how the others feel about me." Heathertail had always done this. She would pretend the other kits or apprentices or young warriors cared about him and wanted to play with him, when of course he knew she was just protecting his feelings.
"They did," she insisted. "Breezepelt, the other young warriors talked about you constantly after you left. Wondering what had happened to you, praying you were alive, hoping you would come back. They're your friends. I don't know why you've never been able to see that."
She's just saying that to make you feel better, Breezepelt reminded herself. She's always said things like this. It's not true. But what if it was? What if all this time, Heathertail had been telling the truth and Breezepelt had been too caught up in his own fear and self-doubt to realize it? He hadn't been a good friend to the other WindClan cats his age. He knew this. He had never been interested in being their friend– why should he be, when they didn't like him anyway? But more and more, he had begun to wonder how true this was. Certainly, the other cats had all welcomed him back eagerly. Did they really miss me? he wondered again.
"Well, I'm glad to be back," Breezepelt meowed, deciding he could figure all this out later.
"And I'm glad to have you back," purred Heathertail. "Now tell me about all the adventures you've been having!"
Breezepelt and Heathertail spent the morning catching up, and to his relief, things were finally feeling normal again. Eventually, Heathertail went off to take a nap, and Breezepelt decided he should go see how Hollyleaf was doing. He scanned the camp, and instead found his mother staring at him and the space Heathertail had occupied, looking irked.
Breezepelt sighed. She had been watching him nearly continuously since he had returned, and it was starting to grate on him.
His mother had been the cat he had felt most guilty about leaving, and the cat he most feared seeing again. He had known she would be beside herself with worry, and he had hated himself for doing that to her. But he also hadn't known how he could face her again knowing how upset she would be with him for leaving, and how unwilling she would be to ever let him out of her sight again.
When he had returned to the Clan, he had felt guiltily relieved to see she wasn't in the camp at the time. It was hard enough managing the questions from all of his Clanmates– at least he had had a little while before having to face his mother too.
But soon, she had returned, and all the moons of emotion had burst out of her at once. She had been overjoyed to see him again, and furious he had let her think he was dead, and grateful he had decided to come back, and devastated he hadn't come back sooner. He had apologized over and over again, and she had made him promise never to do anything like that ever again. And just like every time, he had promised her he wouldn't.
Since then, he had caught her watching him every time they were in camp together. She watched Hollyleaf too– it was clear she mistrusted his half-sister, and felt it was her duty to make sure she wasn't doing anything suspicious. Breezepelt knew his mother just kept an eye on him because she cared, but her constant watching was starting to make him miss the solitude of the tunnels more and more every day.
Just now, she was padding across the camp to speak to him.
"I saw you were talking to Heathertail," she meowed. "I couldn't believe when she took another mate like that while you were still out there somewhere. I gave her a piece of my mind when I learned she was expecting Harespring's kits, don't you worry."
Oh, StarClan. Of course she did. "It's okay," he meowed. "I'm okay with it. We would never have worked as mates anyway."
Nightcloud furrowed her brow. "Why wouldn't it have?" she meowed.
Why wouldn't it have worked? Well to start, maybe because she only wanted to be with me to get over a ThunderClan cat she fell in love with, Breezepelt thought dryly, and then felt an immediate horrifying connection with his mother so strong it almost knocked him over.
Though of course, their situations weren't really the same. Breezepelt hadn't truly loved Heathertail either, at least not in the right way or for the right reasons.
"We're just too different," Breezepelt meowed, not sure how he could explain what the real problem was. He wasn't even sure he knew– sometimes, cats just weren't right for each other.
Nightcloud sighed. "Well, you'll find someone," she meowed. "Any she-cat here would be lucky to have a mate like you." Breezepelt smiled softly. His mother was always like this– fiercely protective of him, whatever the situation.
Unfortunately, Nightcloud had more to say. "I saw Hollyleaf staring at ThunderClan's territory again on our hunting patrol last night," she meowed disapprovingly. "I still don't think she's loyal to WindClan. A cat like that won't ever be. I'm worried about you spending so much time with her."
Breezepelt felt anger well inside him, which he pushed back down. His mother was always like this, too. No cat was ever good or "safe" enough to spend time with her son. He knew she only had his safety at heart, but he was finally realizing how much her refusal to allow him to spend time with the other cats his age had hurt him. Now, he had spent nearly half his life living on his own. How was she still trying to tell him which cats to spend time with?
"I've already told you, I trust Hollyleaf with my life," he meowed, trying to be patient. "She did save my life. We spent all our time together for all of those moons, and she will always be important to me."
"I just think you should–" Nightcloud went on.
"I know you think I should stay away from her," Breezepelt cut her off. "You think I should only interact with perfect cats, and never do anything dangerous, and never leave your sight. And I am grateful that you care so much about protecting me. But you have to let me be my own tom now! I can't breathe with you holding me this close."
His mother looked shocked, and Breezepelt started to feel bad. He hadn't meant to upset her. "You're my kit," she meowed. "I have to hold you close."
"I know," he meowed softly. "But you also have to let me make my own mistakes sometimes. You can't protect me from everything."
"But I can try," she argued.
Breezepelt sighed. "You can try. But I am asking you to trust that I'm smart enough to make my own decisions. I survived on my own for a long time, remember. I'm not as weak as you think I am." Guilt flashed in his mother's eyes, but he went on. "You don't have to trust Hollyleaf, but I'm asking you to understand that she's important to me, and that I trust her. Can you just be civil towards her?"
His mother frowned, but she nodded. "I can do that. But… I don't think I can ever stop worrying about you," she meowed. "You're the most important thing in my life. I could never forgive myself if something happened to you because I failed to protect you."
"If something happens to me," he meowed. "It won't be because you failed to protect me. Can you just please try letting me go, a little bit?"
Nightcloud was silent for a moment, but eventually, she meowed, "I can try." Figuring that was the best he was going to get, he rubbed his muzzle against his mother's.
"Thank you," he meowed.
His mother gave his ear a loving lick. "I'm so glad you came back," she whispered.
And Breezepelt was too.
The next few days, it seemed like his mother really was trying to let him go a bit more. He still caught her watching him when she thought he wouldn't see, but she had stopped making snide remarks about Hollyleaf, and she was no longer looking like she wanted to chase after him when he went on patrols without her.
By the time he had been back in WindClan for a quarter moon, Breezepelt was finally sleeping easily again. One night, he was awakened from a rather pleasant dream in which he was chasing a rabbit through the tunnels with Fallen Leaves at his side by Hollyleaf violently kicking out at him in her sleep. Looking over at her, Breezepelt saw her chest rising and falling rapidly, and her legs twitching.
She must be having a nightmare, he realized. He wondered if he should wake her up, but decided she might be more panicked to suddenly be pulled from her dream. So, just as he had in the tunnels, he shifted his body closer to her, and curled his body into hers. After a moment, her breathing steadied and the twitching stopped. And a few moments later, Breezepelt was asleep again, sleeping safely and contentedly with his Clanmates and his sister at his side.
A.N: Thank you so much to everyone who's been reading and commenting! At this point, I have finished writing the story and chapters will be posted every few days. In total, there are 26 chapters plus an epilogue. Hope you enjoy!