Chapter 20. Existence

It had been 10 days since Winter went to the bar with Carol, then joined the running group and bird watchers. He and Winnie had a wonderful time with the latter, learning to distinguish the different birdsongs. Both were adept at locating where a bird was after hearing their calls, then observing them through the binoculars. Jason, who had invited Winter, was impressed at how quickly the super soldier and Winnie were able to approach an area so quietly without startling a bird into flight. She even found a bird that shouldn't have still been there as others of its kind had migrated weeks before. One of their photographers snapped a picture of it, for proof when they informed the Audubon Society of its presence. He printed it out several days later and presented it to Winnie, along with a copy of the report they sent to the Society, that named her as the person making the first sighting, pleasing the little girl immensely.

Winter also received a thank you from the nurse, Amanda, via Noelle, that she and Adam hit it off when they went out that same evening. Her exact words were "I owe you one." It was gratifying to know that he read the situation well, in making the introduction possible. In the days after that weekend, he continued to seek out new life experiences, even small ones, reasoning that the cumulative effect would help him understand personal interactions better.

There was word from Shuri in Wakanda that the Dora Milaje recruit who was to undergo her ritual in the living vibranium cave had successfully managed to convey the message that the living vibranium universe had been contacted and the Avengers wished to send a communications probe into that universe. Somehow, even though actual words were not exchanged the consciousness of the cave vibranium had managed to express to her that when they were part of the One, that the original entity operated at a temperature Shuri estimated was 1 degree K but could still function at up to 20 K before the warmth began to affect them. On inquiring how they managed to survive in this universe, she learned that on their first awareness of their existence here, after a calamity ripped a hole between the two places and tore them away, they were many. The majority of The One that were here perished before they evolved enough to exist in this universe. It took at least a million years for them to adapt fully, and only because they found the solid vibranium nearby and consumed it to strengthen themselves before burrowing into the mountain where they now lived. As much as they still longed for home, they also knew that a return was impossible for them. They were too warm to even venture into that universe.

The news was still welcome as it now increased the parameters for the probe. Even those few degrees could mean the difference between failure and success. The members of the probe team worked on some redesigns, although the power situation was still an issue.

Several members of the Avengers were called out to a mission on Halloween morning, for a rescue of some teenagers who were setting up a fright zone in an abandoned building that partially collapsed. Deemed too dangerous for traditional rescue teams, and fearing the use of magic portals in the debris would also interfere with the precarious structure that was barely holding everything together, the stronger individuals, Thor, Carol, and Winter were assigned to get in then out of the damaged building with the kids in tow. Scott and Hope came as well, shrinking themselves down to insect size to pinpoint exactly where the kids were, using scanning devices, and determining what condition they were in. Peter was there, with a holographic computer that he entered data in, so that they could plot the structure of the building and the locations of the kids within the space from the scans. Working out a rescue plan, they started at the top, where Wong levitated the debris according to Peter's directions then sent it through a portal in the air, that emptied to a spot outside the building. Slowly, they removed enough debris to reach the first one, a teenage girl. Carol levitated into it, then came out holding the girl and went through another portal that landed beside a fleet of ambulances, leaving the girl there. More pieces were moved, then Winter slid down the hole, finding a boy in an air pocket.

"You're sure the debris is stable enough to climb out?" he asked over his comms, looking up at the jagged edges of the building above him. "It doesn't look it from this end."

"Just keep him close but not too close so your combined weights are distributed," said Peter. "It should be okay."

The super soldier looked at the boy then took off the extra climbing harness he brought with him, fitting it to the scared teenager, followed by a protective helmet. Linking them together he tested all the connections then looked in the boy's eyes.

"We're going to get you out, I promise."

"He sure sounded like Bucky then," said Peter idly.

"I heard that," replied Winter, taking the first step up the wall of debris.

The teen followed him, copying his movements. There was a moment when they heard something fall inside the debris pile and they both paused, then continued cautiously. At the top, Carol was waiting as she levitated, and Winter disconnected the boy, allowing her to carry him out. Another section was partially cleared until Peter stopped it, worrying that they risked upsetting the delicate balance inside. Thor shimmied inside a narrow space, wedging his massive size through it without disturbing the structure. After fitting that boy with protective headgear, he sent him out ahead of him, staying close in case he had to hold the debris up on his own shoulders. The final three retrievals were the trickiest as they were under what Peter called a house of cards; remove one piece too many and the whole structure could come down. He ran simulations of various scenarios, but all ended up with the pile collapsing on itself. Then Winter looked at Scott.

"You can go larger, right? Barnes has memories of that happening in Leipzig."

"Yes, but only for so long," replied Scott.

"What if you go there in your reduced size, then suddenly expand, and throw the debris pile off. Carol, Thor and I could run in, retrieve a person each and run out, then you can walk out to safety before resuming your normal size. The others will have to get out of harm's way first, but we're fast enough to get the kids to a safe spot."

"Peter, can you run that through the simulation?" asked Carol

He inputted the data, then they ran it and watch the holographic giant Ant Man explode the debris pile in all directions while three people ran in, grabbed a person each and ran out, successfully dodging the debris that landed. One big piece was predicted to land on the spot they were on, so he had to dismantle the computer and put it back in the quinjet. It took them a while to get everything relocated and even to push back the emergency vehicles to reduce the chances of them being damaged, but they finally were ready to implement the plan. Hope flew Scott into the centre of the pile where the remaining three trapped kids were. After she left, he expanded to normal size and warned the kids he was going to go big. He outlined how three amazingly fast people were going to come in, grab them and go, so to be ready for that. With that he pressed his comms.

"You ready out there?"

"Ready," came the responses.

"On my mark, three – two – one, mark."

He expanded and threw off the debris pile in all directions. Below him, he was aware of Thor, Carol and Winter running in, each grabbing a kid, and running out. The debris started falling and he stepped away, but his suit started warning him of a critical overload, so he reduced himself to normal size. A large piece of debris hit him, and he fell, then felt someone grab him, place him over his shoulder and run, not stopping even though they were both being hit by smaller debris. It wasn't until they were both beyond the range of the debris field that he saw it was Winter, with several cuts on his back and shoulders. He had kept a helmet on, protecting his head. It was only when Scott touched his face, and his hand came away with blood on it that he realized he lost his own helmet. Then he passed out.

When Scott came to, he was in a bed in the medical centre, his head pounding, and Hope was hovering over him. She smiled when he opened his eyes.

"Hey beautiful," said Scott, when he saw her. "I must be in heaven because you're an angel."

"No, I'm still here on Earth with you," she replied. "Why did you shrink down to normal size so quickly? The debris was still up in the air."

"The suit warned of a critical overload, so I shut it down. What happened?"

"A big piece of debris hit you and you fell. Winter went right back for you, then carried you out on his shoulders. He got some cuts, but he'll be okay, except he feels guilty for putting you in harm's way."

"I'm an Avenger, harm's way is part of the job," he smiled, then looked out towards the door. "Is he out there?"

She nodded. "Send him in." He laid back, then heard them both approach. "Guess I owe you."

"Are you alright, Scott Lang?"

"Yeah, nothing a few painkillers won't fix," he replied. "Thank you."

"You're welcome."

He turned away, leaving Scott and Hope alone. Seeing the man get hit by debris in the aftermath of the event that he suggested had affected him, leaving a frightened feeling that he had let everyone down. The others, at the time, told him it wasn't his fault, as sometimes these things happened. It was easy to input numbers in a computer, but real life was chaotic and chose that moment to prove it. Still, none of the trapped children were seriously injured, Scott was safely evacuated back to the medical centre and his own cuts would heal quickly. Noelle waved to him, and he walked over to where she was at her workstation.

"You missed the kid's Halloween party because of the mission," she said. "I tried to explain to Winnie that you were called out, but she was disappointed."

"I am sorry I missed it," he replied. "Perhaps, she and I can have some time together this weekend. She enjoys the indoor playground place in town, doesn't she? The one with the trampolines, children's obstacle course and slides?"

"She does but it's awfully busy," answered Noelle. "It could be overwhelming for you."

"Perhaps, if Sam Wilson comes with Paul, he can watch her if I have to step outside."

It was agreed and on the Saturday morning Sam and Paul met Winter and Winnie for their visit to the indoor playground centre. Before they left the car, Sam reached inside his pocket, pulling out a pair of ear plugs, offering them to Winter.

"Trust me, you'll need them," he said. "It's loud in there."

Fitting them in their ears, the two men went inside, where Sam signed the waiver for both children. Leaving their shoes and boots at the front, they all changed into the grip socks that were recommended then entered into what could only be described as pandemonium. Even with the ear plugs, the noise was considerable but the looks on the children's faces was enough to prove they were having a lot of fun. Winter did go out once to allow his ears and brain to have a respite. When both kids began getting a little emotional it was clear they had reached their limits of stimulation, and the decision to return home was easily made. On the drive back both children fell asleep in their car seats.

"Well, that was ... fun," said Sam. "You managed alright?"

"It was interesting," replied Winter. "There are memories of Barnes playing in the streets of Brooklyn for hours on end, with no adults observing. It is not like that anymore."

"No, even I remember playing outside without adult supervision. It was a different time, then there were some notable cases of children kidnapped by sexual predators or serial killers and within a few years you hardly saw kids outside on their own, even in their own yards. People still took their kids to the park or playground, but even there, some high-profile missing kids cases made even that an issue. With parents willing to pay to use these indoor parks for some peace of mind, it became an industry of its own."

"A small unit of operatives could take control of the facility and hold all those people hostage," remarked Winter. "It would be easy to implement." Sam looked at him, appraisingly. "Not that I would be involved, but I would hope the owners would have contemplated the security implications of that many children in an enclosed space, in an industrial area. I could make some recommendations and send them to the owner of the facility. The use of teenagers as employees tasked with supervising that many children at one time concerns me the most. I would think that they would wish people with combat experience to guard their children."

"You could," agreed Sam. "Sometimes, people don't think of those things until they actually happen. As for combat veterans, I'm not sure most would be capable of being in that loud of a facility without the possibility of their PTSD flaring up."

Winter nodded sagely. "You are correct about that. It is something that requires a lot of thought."

On their return, the children woke up, frowning at being awakened. It seemed that neither child knew exactly what they wanted. They vacillated between going to the onsite playground or to the cafeteria for lunch to demanding a certain toy. When Winnie began to cry over not being able to do what she wanted, Winter tried to comfort her, with repeated inquiries as to what she wanted to do. The answer, "I don't know" confused him and he looked to Sam for enlightenment.

"I don't have a quick answer for you," he said, as he dealt with his own son's tears. "Children their age are still developing emotionally as well as physically. Winnie likely doesn't know exactly what is bothering her but knows that she is unhappy. All I can suggest is that you speak to her calmly, acknowledge that she's upset and ask her questions to pinpoint her distress."

Sitting on a bench, with Winnie on his lap, Winter used his sleeve to wipe her tears away. He hugged her then looked at her with concern.

"Are you sad?" She nodded, while stifling a sob. "Is it because we're not at the indoor playground anymore?" She shook her head. "Are you hurt?" She shook her head again. "Hungry?"

"Yes. I'm still sad." He kept his eyes focused on her, allowing her the time to speak. "I watched a movie in my head about baby animals and one gots lost."

A dream. She was upset about a dream. "Do you want to tell me about it?"

"It was sad, 'cuz the baby fox cried and cried for its mom, and she went to look for her. When the mom came with food for it, she couldn't find it and she became sad. I 'membered the movie in my head but then I woke up and I don't know if the mom and baby found each other."

He looked up at Sam who raised his eyebrows and slightly shrugged, implying that this sort of reasoning was not out of the ordinary for a small child.

"That must have been hard for you," said Winter. "You wanted to help the baby and the mother fox, didn't you?"

She nodded, then took a deep breath. "Sometimes, they don't find each other."

"No, sometimes, they don't."

"They'll find Papa, won't they? He's in the cold place and they're tryin' to find him to bring him home."

"They are trying," he confirmed.

"I'm scared that Papa won't come home." She looked up at him, her blue eyes glassy. "I miss my Papa."

"I know. I miss him, too." He took a deep breath. "They're going to keep trying for a long time to bring your Papa home. They won't give up and neither should you. Do you still see him in your dreams?"

"Sometimes," she admitted. "He's waiting but he's sad, like when he would wake up in the night. I want to hold his hand, but I can't."

"I'm glad you told me but it's alright to tell your mother about this," he said gently.

"She cries sometimes, in the nighttime." Winnie frowned. "She's scared, too."

"Yes, she is, but I think if you come to her, like you did for your Papa when he had bad dreams, that she would like that. You could make each other feel better." He ran his hand through her hair, brushing it behind her ear. "You feel better now?" She nodded. "Why don't we get something to eat. What's your favourite?"

"Hot dogs."

Lowering her to the ground, Winter stood up and offered Winnie his hand. Sam smiled at him.

"You have Buck's touch as a father."

A slight smile was his response. Once Barnes was returned to his rightful place, Winter would be relegated to the background again, sometimes aware, most of the times waiting for when he was needed. He felt a pang of emotion in his heart again and tried to ignore it. Although it lessened as they ordered hot dogs for Winnie and himself, and French fries for Paul and Sam, it was there throughout the meal. Sam studied him a few times but didn't voice his concerns around the children.

After dropping Winnie off, and politely refusing the usual offer for dinner, Winter returned to his quarters where Peter was on a video call with MJ and Ned. They all acknowledged him, but he didn't answer as he went into his room and closed the door. He was looking out the window when Peter knocked on the door and called to him.

"Do you have a moment?" he asked. "May I come in?"

"Yes." He turned towards the door as the youthful Avenger entered. "What is it?"

"Are you alright?" Concern was evident on Peter's face. "You didn't answer when we said hi to you."

"I am distracted," admitted the older man. "I am sorry for ignoring you. I wasn't deliberately being rude."

"I didn't think you were. It's just that you seemed troubled. Perhaps, if you talk about it, I can help."

Gesturing to Peter to sit, Winter sat on his bed and looked at his hands. He opened his mouth to speak then shook his head, seeming to change his mind before he let it out in a torrent.

"Is it wrong for me to want more out of this life?" he asked. "When Barnes returns, he will want control of his body back, to resume his life with Noelle and Winnie, as well as his professional life with the Avengers. I will have to revert to the background again, as it is not my body. Except it is as I was formed out of Barnes' personality, because of the torture he underwent. But I have changed greatly since I fully awakened in the operating room. I have my own friendships with people, my own interests, and feelings; all of it done on the recommendations and support of others. How am I to return to the background again? I'm not who I once was."

"No, you're not," replied Peter. "No one is. You have grown so much as a person. We all see that, but when we look at you, we also see Bucky. He had this body first and if you can't accept that then when we do get him back, it's going to cause problems for you, for him, for Noelle and Winnie, for all of us. That's not to say that you can't come to an agreement with him but until he's back in there, you just don't know for sure." A thought occurred to him, and he cleared his throat. "You're not thinking of sabotaging the rescue efforts, are you?"

"NO." Winter was emphatic in his response to that question. "I wouldn't do that to anyone. Noelle and Winnie need Barnes and I accept that. It's just that I was formed for one purpose and when that purpose ended, the next choice to continue existing was to be there for Barnes whenever I was needed. It was an acceptable existence."

"But now, it's not enough, is it?" asked Peter.

The other man shook his head, appearing to be ashamed to admit it. "No, but it is my burden to consider. I appreciate your advice, Peter Parker. You are a good friend."

"Thank you. I'm sure that you and Bucky can come to some sort of arrangement, especially once he realizes how helpful you've been with everyone."

Peter left and Winter resumed his stance looking out the window for a time. He changed into running gear since he missed the group run earlier to take Winnie to the indoor playground. As he stepped outside, he noticed the wind had come up a bit, but it was still sunny, and he soon got into a good pace. For a change, he ran towards the edge of the compound's property line, occasionally finding himself running parallel to the public road beside it, while still inside the tall chain link fence that kept trespassers out. A truck passed him at one point, following the curve of the road until it was out of sight. As he came around the curve, he noticed it stopped beside a bridge. Someone in the passenger seat reached into the back of the large cab, grabbing a garbage bag and tossing it into the small creek beneath the bridge. Then it sped away. Curious, he hopped over the fence and ran on the road towards the bridge. Looking over the concrete barrier, he saw the garbage bag was half in and half out of the water. Noticing movement in the bag, he ran down the steep incline towards the creek, picking it up. Tearing it open he was shocked to find three small kittens. Who would do that to such innocent creatures? Cradling the bag as close to his body as he could, Winter scrambled back up the incline and walked onto the roadway. Once there, he transferred the kittens to inside his jacket, then he phoned Sam.

"Could you come pick me up?" he asked. "I was running around the edge of the compound property and saw someone throw a garbage bag into Forest Creek. There were kittens in it. Why would someone do that?"

"I don't know why, except they don't care," replied Sam. "I'll be there as soon as I can."

He stood, waiting, stroking the kittens, who looked up at him with their inquisitive eyes. It brought back memories of times when he was waiting on targets to arrive, and feral cats would approach him. His stillness as he waited made it easy for them to trust him and they would often curl up near him, taking advantage of the heat his body radiated. These little ones were just as trusting. Ten minutes later Sam pulled up and Winter got into the front seat. He put the seatbelt on, careful to position it so the kittens weren't constrained by it. Sam leaned over to look closely at them, reaching out with his fingers.

"Some people really are heartless," he commented. "Look at them. They are adorable. What do you want to do with them?" Winter looked at him, not quite sure what he meant. "We can take them back to the compound and see if anyone wants one or we can take them to a shelter who will adopt them out. They'll need to see a vet. I'm guessing whoever did this likely didn't get them vaccinated or anything. They could have fleas or worms."

Winter picked each of them up in turn and placed his nose close to their mouths. Then he inspected their fur.

"No fleas that I can see, and their breath smells healthy."

"You can tell that by smelling their breath?"

Sam wasn't convinced. He picked one up and smelled it, but it just smelled like a cat.

"Remember my sense of smell is better than yours," said Winter. "Many species can use smell to determine the health of others. Some animals have been known to smell cancer on a human before they're diagnosed. I read it in a medical book." He stroked the three kittens. "If we take them to a shelter how likely are they to be adopted?"

"Honestly? I don't know," answered Sam. "They're cute so their chances could be good, but it also depends how many other kittens are in the shelter."

"I could give one to Noelle," said Winter.

"Nope," replied Sam. "She's pregnant and shouldn't be around cats due to the risk of toxoplasmosis. It's a parasite that can harm the baby and I don't think you can tell if a cat has it without some expensive testing. Some cats have it their entire lives without symptoms."

The silence from Winter after that information was shared was ominous, then he breathed out heavily.

"Let's take them to a shelter," he said, resigned to giving them up. "At least they will examine them and treat them if they aren't well, won't they?"

"Yeah, they will." Sam pulled his cell phone out and looked up the nearest animal shelter, twenty minutes away. "It really is the best thing since we don't know how well they were taken care of by the people who abandoned them."

The staff at the animal shelter were quite thankful for Winter's rescue of the three kittens. They assured him that they would receive a full examination by a veterinarian. With their colouring they were sure the kittens would be adopted quickly. He stroked each one gently before leaving the building then got into the car with Sam. They didn't speak at first until Sam looked at the man who had become his friend.

"Are you alright? I sensed earlier that you were bothered by something."

"Yes," he said. "I had some things on my mind, but I've resolved them."

"Anything you want to share?"

The dark-haired super soldier was quiet for some time before he answered.

"It will be difficult to return to what I was before Barnes was removed from this body. Before, I was content to allow Barnes to control everything, coming out only when I was needed. I don't know if he will be willing to accept me as I am now. I intend to ask Princess Shuri to find a way to either restore me to what I was or to find a way for us to coexist peacefully and in harmony. If she cannot then I will ask her to remove me from this body."

Sam applied the brakes and pulled onto the shoulder, putting the car into park, then turning to face Winter.

"What do you mean by removing you?"

"When she removed HYDRA's programming from Barnes' brain, she thought she had removed me at the same time. I wonder if she can actually do it so that he doesn't have to share his body with me. He deserves to live his life without my presence in his body. If she can find a way to return me to my previous state or to transfer me into an artificial intelligence, then that would be acceptable." He looked steadily at Sam. "Winnie needs her father. Noelle needs her husband. I'm like the genie that can't be put back into the bottle. I can't live in the background anymore in my current state, so I must find another way to exist. If that's not possible, then there must be some way we can coexist without causing psychological damage to Barnes, otherwise I must accept that my existence will have to end."

"Winter, you're willing to die so Barnes can have his body back?"

He was quiet again. The only sound was that of the vehicles on the road that passed by them.

"I don't want to die, Sam. I like this life. But I don't think Barnes will be happy sharing this body with me, even though I'm not the Soldier anymore. So, I either find another form to live in or I let this life go."

It felt like Sam couldn't breathe. Although a part of him understood Winter's reasoning it was still a devastating concept to consider. But the former assassin was right about one thing. Bucky's fear and hatred of the Winter Soldier persona might make any coexistence for the two personalities in one body impossible. If there was only a way to create another body so that both men could live separate lives. Tony had done it when he and Bruce created Vision. We all know how that turned out. He looked at Winter again, at how accepting he seemed at the prospect of giving his life up so that Bucky could have his body back. Then the dark-haired man turned to him.

"I've told you this in confidence, Samuel Wilson. Do not share it with anyone else, especially Noelle. I'll speak to Shuri myself. If nothing can be done, then I accept the inevitable. Do you promise to keep this between us?"

Damn. Sam sighed, then looked back at the man who had shown him how a person could grow if given some autonomy and trust. He was serious about this. Reluctantly, he nodded. Right from the start, it had been Noelle's wish that Winter be treated like anyone else and allowed to have the dignity of choosing his own path. Just because that path was taking a turn that he hadn't seen before didn't mean he had the right to stop Winter from travelling it.

"I promise."

At the time, he meant it.