Katsuki's P.O.V

He was seething, he was jealous and he was feeling stupid. Hanging up his phone learning Half and Half had spent the night with Izuku had felt like a punch to the gut. He had only thought about the rumours that he had been staying in Izuku's room but he hadn't thought anything of it. Now he was starting to take it seriously. He'd spent the whole day moping and training to try to expel the jealousy and urge to go punch Half and Half into the ground. It didn't help, and dinner with his parents told him he was in no better mood. His Mum had tried to ask what the issue was but he'd snapped and told her to mind her own business.

It was Sunday now and he still couldn't shake his mood, a mood he knew he had no right to feel. He wanted to keep his distance, he wanted to be punished, he was being an asshole. But letting go the other night was making it hard to hold onto his reasonings. And Deku was making it hard too, all his forgiveness and light making him doubt himself. He made him believe for those brief moments he was worthy to be by his side, that he was more than a snappy, selfish asshole. But he knew better, and he was a coward. If he had only faced his actions when they started U.A instead of letting his guilt win.

There was a knock on his door and he growled out in frustration.

"Fuck off old Hag! I'm fine!" He yelled throwing his hand gripper at the door with more force than he had meant. He knew she was only worried but he didn't want to talk about it, not with her. She wouldn't understand, and he didn't want to see her face if he admitted to his actions to Deku, to her chosen sisters world. Because that's what Deku was, Aunt Inko's entire world and he contributed to almost taking him away from her. Fuck! He groaned and lay back onto his bed throwing his arm over his eyes. Clenching his fists when he heard his door open.

"Kacchan?"

Katsuki froze, his heart pounding hard across his pulse points as he felt like his stomach plummeted. It was so soft, so worried and he didn't want to see the sympathetic look. It always made him feel weak. He heard him come in, his clothes ruffling as he sat on the floor next to his head.

"We're going back to school soon" he said softly "but if you're unwell..."

"Just a bad mood" he sighed turning his head to be consumed by the large, loving green depths of the youngers eyes. He wished he could see them before, with the love Deku had for only him. But he was too absorbed in himself and he had missed it. Now he had the same look everyone else got, except maybe... he scowled and sighed

"Is that my doing?" He asked gently

"No, my own" Katsuki reassured him. He knew Deku would find a way to take the blame anyway but he'd tell him the truth. He'd decided to be as honest with Deku as he could from now on, he deserved it and he trusted him more than anyone else. "Pointless to say I know, but don't worry about it" he lifted his arm to brush a wayward curl out of Deku's eye. Only to see the worry increase. "So awkward car ride with your Mum and Half and Half? Sounds fun" he sighed deciding its best to just change the subject.

"Shoto had to go back last night. Mum only got permission for a day" he explained and Katsuki couldn't deny that made him much happier, and willing to get in the car.

"That's a relief. Is he gonna hit me?" He asked with a smirk as Deku frowned

"He didn't seem to blame either of us" which surprised Katsuki, if it was the other way round, official or not he'd have been pissed. Taken it as a personal attack. He sat up hating the small smile of admiration on Deku's face. Admiration for someone else, someone more worthy.

"How good of him" he spat out and Deku laughed

"More than us, right?" He laughed

"Come on boys, time to get going!" Called Aunt Inko. Deku stood up, taking his hand and coaxing him off the bed. They both slowed at the hushed voices of their Mother's.

"Bad mood?" Aunt Inko asked concerned

"Yeah. All weekend and I can't even get him to talk, he's not even yelling at me" Mum sighed

"Is it a good idea to... take them back together? I know he's only words but..."

Both boys looked to each other and Deku only looked annoyed while Katsuki felt the colour drain from his face.

"I don't think he's going to say anything hurtful to Izuku" Mum reassured Aunt Inko "I know you worry, and think I'm biased. But that little shit cares about him"

"Their relationship says otherwise. Izuku's actions..." Aunt Inko trailed off "but I learnt it... it was more than I thought"

"He spoke up about it?" Mum asked "You know what happened?"

"No. Not really but he said it wasn't Katsuki's fault, it was nobody but him and..." there was a shakey breath "there were a number of reasons me and his father included" she choked out

"Oh honey no!" Mum said sternly "don't-"

Katsuki looked to Deku who looked horrified.

"No, not... he wasn't blaming he just... he explained all these things piled up and he wouldn't talk, let someone help and it got too much. But... I can't help but think if I'd paid closer attention, talked to him more about his Father and the quirklessness and seen his isolation"

"You can't do that if he was hiding from you" Mum said and Deku nodded at her words eyes bright with tears. Katsuki had to swallow down the lump in his throat as he took Deku's hand feeling a twinge in his chest as Deku held on for dear life.

"Come on shitty nerd!" Katsuki spike loudly "I wanna get outta here" he let his voice carry, showing impatience as he looked down to Deku and the greenette smiled thankfully. They stayed there a moment as Deku wiped his eyes. As they let go and walked in Aunt Inko was facing his Mum, clearly wiping her own eyes. He looked at his own Mother, clear guilt on his face, she knew. Not the extent, but enough. Shit.

The car ride was silent and tense. Both Katsuki and Deku sat in the back of the car. Deku had looked depressed the entire time and Katsuki couldn't stand to see it. He took his hand gently and pulled him into his side lifting his other arm around Deku's shoulders.

"It's natural for us to feel responsible, whether you tell us its not our fault or not" he whispered into his ear "you do it all the time" he nudged him softly trying to coax out a smile, some sort of light back into those eyes. Deku looked up to him, eyes wide and vulnerable in his clear guilt. But he didn't respond, he only nodded before hesitantly leaning into Katsuki and placing his head in his chest. Katsuki had to keep himself still, breathing steady, deep breaths. He looked up to see Aunt Inko looking at him with the rear view mirror. Her eyes mirrored how he felt. Guilt, worry and shame. Though he knew the shame was likely for very different reasons.

The school was close now, and Deku's phone dinged, he slowly took it from his pocket and opened up the message. It was Half and Half. He was gonna meet him at the gates and Katsuki couldn't help but tighten his hold on Deku. A sense of possessiveness gripping him unexpectedly. He didn't want to let the other teen comfort Deku, to get to be closer than he did. But he knew he had no place to pull him away, he wasn't dating Deku. His own guilt stopped him from being anything to Deku, and now he regrets it but he can't demand more from Deku. He wouldn't, at least that's what he told himself. But he wondered how long he would last before his desires won out like they had the other night. Sighing as the car pulled into the school gates he reluctantly let Deku go.

"Shoto is here" Aunt Inko said cheerfully

"I'll see you soon Mum" Deku smiled brightly, forced and leant forward to kiss her cheek "love you" he got out taking Half and Half's hand

Katsuki opened his door

"Katsuki? Could I talk to you?" Aunt Inko asked

"Mum" Deku said gently, but there was a warning to his tone.

"It's okay" Katsuki interrupted "I'll see you later" he dismissed Deku closing his door

"You don't need to-"

"Get inside, Nerd. It'll be fine" he looked to Half and Half and gestured his head toward the dorms. He nodded and lead Deku away from the car closing the door Deku had exited. He was nervous, and didn't want to have this conversation.

"He took a big risk" she said calmly and turning to face him "what he did he didn't even do for himself" her eyes were so like Deku's and it made his chest feel hollow. "He said it was for him, to be better but I know" she looked to the retreating forms of Deku and Icy-Hot "Shoto knows it was for you"

"I know" he admitted Deku had said enough for him to understand it wasn't for himself.

"I blamed you for a long time, wanted to protect him from you when I finally understood you had become one of his bullies"

Katsuki bowed his head

"I didn't mean to be so bad" he whispered "people followed my lead... and if I... I wanted to be the one to 'make Deku sad' so others wouldn't. But then..." he bit his lip wondering how much he thought he could confess. If he had the courage to tell her "then I felt guilty, and he wouldn't even show me any kid of negativity, or give up on me as I deserved. I just wanted him to..."

"Hate you" she whispered sounding breathless he looked up to see the tears pooling in her eyes and falling down her face. He nodded but couldn't speak

"I didn't know he felt more... I didn't want- I wanted payback I didn't want him to-" he couldn't say it and he hated showing her he was so weak and pathetic but he owed it to her.

"Does he know?" She asked wiping her eyes

"Know what?" He asked

"That you love him" she spoke softly, but certain and he had to beat down the urge to scoff and deny. So he shook his head instead, it was a sick joke. To ever say the words out loud would be the most selfish and disgusting thing he would ever do. Aunt Inko straightened up, her eyes hardening as she gave a little sniffle

"Good. Keep it that way, he's moving on and I don't want him to back track. I love you Katsuki, dispite your actions but you're still precious to me, but you're unstable. And I know- now that you'd protect him but your very nature is selfish and he is the opposite. It'd never be a healthy dynamic. If he thought for one moment it would help you he'd go back and become the boy who loved you above himself"

It felt like she had thrown something through his chest, knocking the breath out of him as he leant back against the seat. She was right,of course. He'd told himself as much but to hear it hurt. To know he would never be what Deku needed, no matter how much he wanted to be.

"I- I want to be better" he admitted timidly

"I know" she nodded looking sympathetic "and you weren't the only one to fail him. But Shoto is selfless and sturdy. He's never failed Izuku like we have and I want them to have a real chance. I didn't agree with the wipe, but it truly helped, I don't want to risk him going back to her for those memories to help you feel better"

Katsuki sat up leaning over to her and holding onto the headrests. Get back? He could get them back?

"What do you mean go back to her for the memories?" He almost yelled "they were wiped what the fu-hell is there to get back?" He asked, well almost yelled in her face. He saw her regret but she let the emotion fall from her face before leveling him with a stony gaze.

"Doesn't matter. Katsuki I beg you to just... just let him go. For once just be his friend!" She pleaded her voice straining at the end and Katsuki couldn't get passed her words. Was there a chance? For Deku to get back those memories and... and be with him the way he was? That smile he took for granted, the way his voice was when calling his name, the confidence he had around him? It was all retrievable?

"Katsuki?" She begged and his eyes focused on her again "can you change? Be what he needs instead of what you want?"

"He wanted me" Katsuki ground out "and I ca-"

"Wanted. He doesn't now. And even then what he wants isn't necessarily what he needs" she argued but he could see she was reaching. Did she know Deku wasn't sure? He wouldn't have kissed Katsuki the way he did if he was set on Half and Half. She didn't seem to listen when he said he didn't know, like she was only seeing what she wanted because she was so desperate for Deku to heal. How was she sure that's what he needed? Even if he begrudgingly had to agree Icy-Hot was the better of them.

"Maybe we should let Deku decide that" he snapped and halted at the words like he'd been slapped across the face. Because he'd said a lot he wanted Deku to be selfish but he had still spent the last weeks pushing him away. Yet again taking any choice from him.

"He did!" She urged "he went and took away his feelings for you. Don't, I beg you do not let it be for nothing" her hands too his on her head rest and he felt his conviction falter, her eyes too alike the ones he loved most. But not enough.

"I won't abandon him again" He warned

"I don't want you to. I'd be happy if you can be friends I just... don't go looking for more" he glared out the window looking at Deku and Icy-Hot still in sight near the pathway to the dorms.

"And if he does?" He asked her knowing full well if he was to deny Deku again it might destroy both of them. She bit her lip sighing heavily as the tension left her body.

"Don't give him reasons too?" She asked weakly, conceding to his argument but not her point.

"I won't promise anything. Like you said I'm selfish. But it's not like I'm not trying, I'm not stupid I know he deserves better than me. Doesn't mean I have to fucking like it if he finds it" he growled out getting out the car, slamming the door with more force than necessary.

He sat with Kirishima, scowling at the wall to the red heads room trying to calm down. The entire conversation with Aunt Inko had him tense, guilty and enraged. It was exhausting but he couldn't sleep.

"Dude. Your are a mess. I've never seen you so out of control" Kirishima laughed not even phased by the burning glare from the explosive blonde.

"I know" he groaned sinking down against the wall he was sat against. "It's fucking irritating"

Krishima's amusement faded away as he leant forward resting his elbows on his knees, clasping his hands together in the middle.

"So you think he can get the memories back?" He asked gently when Katsuki nodded he blew a loud breath through his lips "Do you want him to?" He asked

"Yes" Katsuki answered immediately running his hand through his hair "fucking yes! I hate this hesitation, the way it's like he's trying to get to know me all over again! Questioning everything he does!"

"I'm pretty sure he did that before" Kirishima added apologetically

"No. No like this. And I have to wonder what he remembers, what he doesn't and-" he cut off before going into his own selfish reasons for what he missed.

"Well... you said he kissed you back, maybe something is still there?" Kirishima asked and Katsuki had to clench his teeth at the thought

"So what? He is dating someone else, what the hell does it matter if he has some remaining... attraction?" He asked

"Because he still reciprocated your advance! Eagerly if what you say is true. If he admitted that he and Todoroki aren't official. What's to stop you dating him too?" He suggested

"Do I look like I'd be willing to fucking share?" He asked darkly and Kirishima sat up holding his hands up in surrender

"Until he makes a choice you'd have to. And well, you kid of already are" he pointed out and Katsuki had to clench his fists to stop his Quirk from going off. He hated that he was right.

"So what? You're saying I should ask him out? Go on dates and hope he chooses me over Icy-Hot? Ignoring the fact that he went running off to rip away his feelings for me because I was so horrible to him?"

"You explained some, right? He seems to accept that. It's not completely out of the question he'd accept the offer" Kirishima shrugged

"Aunt Inko asked I don't pursue him. I hate it, but she wasn't wrong about me" he shrugged leaning his head back to look at the ceiling "I think... unless he asks for more I should just..." he groaned "be his friend" the words felt bitter in his mouth. He felt sick at the thought. But he'd gotten more than he had ever had hoped and he'd hold onto that. Onto the fact he was his first kiss, that Deku had let him take it as well as accept his own first. He scoffed at the sappy thought. Fucking Nerd was rubbing off on him.

-

Three Months Later

He had calmed down, getting back into his own routine. His jealousy was under better control. Probably because it seemed Deku and Icy-Hot were moving so damned slow. Which if he thought about it, as he had more than he cared to admit. It made sense. Icy-Hot would always initiate the contact, Deku following his lead. Made sense. Icy-Hot had his own trauma issues and Deku was too sensitive to others to try to lead someone he knew needed control more than anything. He was fairly certain (hoped) their nights in a shared bed was just for comfort. But he would be lying his ass off if seeing them kiss for the first time didn't have him turning to stalk off in the opposite direction. It hurt, no matter how simple of a kiss it was, he wanted to pull the bastard iff Deku. Deku sat next to him smiling brightly. Katsuki had done everything in his power to be Deku's friend and they were in a good place. He hated it.

"Hey, Kacchan!" He beamed turning in his seat "I was thinking we spar in training today! I've been practicing and managed to get to a higher percentage. Wanna taste?" He asked and Katsuki had to ignore how that sounded like an entirely different invitation at the end. He didn't miss Icy-Hot look up wide eyed and surprised.

"Pfft, like you could give me anything worth my time" he scoffed trying to ignore the images and Icy-Hot's dirty look. It didn't surprise Katsuki to learn the guy was jealous. Not that he could blame him when it was Deku they were talking about.

"Watch me" he challenged and again Katsuki had to try to calm his own thoughts. Clenching his fists he chuckled and shook his head before leaning over to Deku.

"Do you have any idea what you sound like you're offering?" He whispered and trying not to laugh at the way the boy tensed

"I- No I jus-" he leant back to look to Icy-Hot as Katsuki sat back in his own chair.

"I know" Icy-Hot said getting up to kneel next to Deku's desk. "Don't let him panic you" he cupped the freckled cheek before leaning up to kiss his head

"Okay I just... I don't want to..."

"I know" Icy-Hot reassured him

"Okay Class!" Called Aizawa and everyone went to their seats.

"Sorry" Katsuki whispered "I was just teasing" he apologised before turning to pay attention to the class. Not before Deku kicked his shin.

He was struggling to breathe and loving the burn in his lungs. Deku wasn't kidding, he'd only managed to use another two percent and it was lethal. And it only seemed to slow him down a fraction with no damage to his body. They had kept going long after class finished. It was probably close to dinner now but they didn't care. The fire in Deku's eyes as he stood over Katsuki was a sight for sore eyes. It was the first time since before the wipe six months ago. And he felt his heart squeeze to see it again, almost like his old Deku.

"Worth it?" Deku asked letting out a yelp as Katsuki kicked his legs out from under him. He burst out laughing as Deku hit the floor with a small 'oof'

"Maybe a little" he admitted because he wasn't entirely sure he could get up just yet. He was sure the last time he was hit by OFA it wasn't so... winding.

"Wanna go again?" He asked turning to lean on his elbow

"Love to. But I can't move" he admitted frowning at the immediate panic on the greenette as he scrambled up kneeling next to Katsuki hands hovering over him.

"Oh my god! Does it hurt? Do I need to take you to Recovery Girl? I didn't break anything, did I?" He asked Katsuki winced, he didn't want him to worry, so with effort he lifted his heavy, oh so heavy arm to take Deku's hand.

"I'm just... heavy" he explained "no pain" he promised. Deku sighed leaning forward till his head was on Katsuki's chest.

"Don't scare me like that!" He sighed before sitting back up.

"Think I need a few minutes is all" he nodded realising he was still holding Deku's hands.

"Take all the time you need" he nodded "worse comes I'll just... float us back" he said with such determination.

"Can you?" Katsuki asked smirking

"We will find out" Deku shrugged

Katsuki wondered if he realised they were still holding hands? He wasn't willing to let go. He'd hold on until Deku let go, that was his new rule and it had helped in the last months. To get control on his own emotions, and be a decently functioning friend.

"Hey, Kacchan?" He asked his tone wary and Katsuki closed his eyes knowing he wasn't prepared for whatever he was about to say.

"Yeah?"

"You've been better for a while, but something is still off. Remember the talk in the gym?" He asked

Katsuki felt his heart pounding, realising where he was going.

"Deku" he sighed shaking his head sluggishly

"Just tell me if there's something else I can do. I still want to help... fix what I did"

"Why isn't this enough?" Katsuki asked

He was determined to keep his own wants to himself. "I'm okay Deku. You're back to yourself and-"

"But you're not. I can see-feel something isn't right and I just..."

"I'm good, Nerd. Really it's much better and you're talking and fighting and being yourself. It's what I wanted, remember?" He asked smirking before it fell away at the way Deku squeezed his hand slightly

"Actually I think your exact words were 'learn to be a bit selfish' and I have been Kacchan. I let you go and hurt you. I've been dating Shoto unsure if I can even love him the way I apparently loved you, because I wanted to know how I'd feel moving on. I have pushed when you tried to keep your distance and now we're friends, like I wanted, I hurt my Mum and everyone else I care about. I... I kissed you knowing it was wrong. And I have spent the last months pretending it didn't happen" he shook his head, taking a shaky breath "and I want to help you. I told you-"

"Yeah I remember" Katsuki growled wanting to move his hand to pinch his nose. "Why can't you just be selfish like the rest of us? Normal selfish, where you take what you want and not make everyone else happy?" He asked

"Guess I'm just faulty" he choked out through a laugh

"I don't think that's it" Katsuki said managing to move his hand slightly making Deku look to him. Debating his words carefully. "Look I am good. Really" he heaved himself up, sitting up. It felt like it wiped out his energy. "You're still... you're with me and I'm letting myself accept it even though I shouldn't"

"You sure?" He asked weakly "you said you wanted something and then..."

"Doesn't matter what I want" he shook his head "I want what you want, okay?" He said pointedly

Deku looked at him wide eyed, nodding slowly but Katsuki wasn't sure he really understood. Buy it was the only way he could tell him he'd jump at the opportunity if Deku decided he wanted to try exploring that attraction and whatever else it came with.

"So, you're not in love yet then?" He asked cursing himself. He occasionally, stupidly asked about the relationship and it felt both intrusive and punishing. Deku looked defeated and shook his head pursing his lips.

"I love him, I do its just I don't think... that kind of love"

"You want to be close with him though, right?" He asked ignoring the nauseous feeling that question stirred. Not about me he thought repeatedly

Deku blushed and nodded letting go of Katsuki's hand to start picking at his nail.

"But we haven't... I mean it's-"

Katsuki felt his jaw drop as he understood and couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"You guys haven't fucking kissed yet?!" He asked loudly, because he didn't count that tame ass kiss he witnessed.

"We have. Lots but it's not..." he turned a darker shade of red and Katsuki couldn't fight smug the grin if he wanted to.

"Icy-Hot is... hot and cold. Shocker" he drawled grunting at the dig in his chest.

"He isn't ready for that. I'm not sure I am" he admitted but Katsuki couldn't help the mocking snort. Because he knew from a personal and very satisfying experience that was not true. "With him" he emphasised, glowering at Katsuki half heartedly "I just... I don't want to push and I feel like until he is ready, I won't be. Does that make sense?" He asked, scrunching his nose in doubt.

"For you? Perfect sense" Kastuki agreed. "I'm gonna be really blunt. Seems like you need it"

Deku looked wary but nodded letting him know to go on.

"Do you see yourself with him when your, helping yourself?" He decided to be merciful. Doubting he would be able to speak if he out right said maturabating.

"K-Kacchan!" He screeched covering his face. Which had Katsuki biting his cheek trying not to smile. As if he hadn't been kissing Katsuki, their dicks hard and pushing against each other in the heat of the moment.

"Just answer the question, idiot" he sighed pushing the memory away. Not now.

"Yes" he choked out and Katsuki had to smother the jealousy, the dissapointment "sometimes I think about him" he admitted

Katsuki ignored the opening to ask why not always. He wasn't sure he wanted to know.

"Then maybe you need time. Or to talk about it, figure out how... heated you want to get" he advised. He hated this part of the friendship. And wanted to take Deku for himself, but his guilt, Aunt Inko's plea helped him to stay on track.

"Come on, I think I can walk now" he huffed forcing himself up, he needed to escape being alone with him.

I haven't been able to get this out my head and haven't managed to write two chapters so fast in a while. Here is to hoping the flow keeps flowing!