(Part 2) - Padawan

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"It's strange to have my own room," Anakin comments, looking over the room Obi-Wan just showed him to. For the last nine years growing up at the Temple, he always shared a room with the other members of his Initiate clan. This is the first space for him.

He thought it would be fun, but instead, it feels empty somehow. He feels unreasonably lonely, even with Obi-Wan right here. To be fair, loneliness is something he's used to. It's just... a fact. No matter how hard he tries to be friends with anyone, it's like they don't want him around. Or if they do, it doesn't last long. They aren't close the way he wants to be.

But maybe the real problem right now is that Qui-Gon is gone.

Anakin thought the day he became a padawan would be the happiest day ever for him and Obi-Wan, but all either of them can think about is that Qui-Gon's dead. He wants to cry every time he even begins thinking about it, about how he's never coming back.

"You get used to it," Obi-Wan replies, standing in the doorway with his arms crossed.

It's strange to see him without his padawan braid. He's had one the entire time Anakin knew him, but now Anakin's the one with a padawan braid.

He reaches up reflectively, fingering it.

"We'll have to go over where you are in your training," Obi-Wan adds.

For all that he's stayed with Obi-Wan nearly every night as long as he can remember, that doesn't mean they have constant time to talk about his training. But from now on, they're going to be spending nearly all their time together. At least that's something Anakin still can't wait for, past the depression smothering him.

"Are you okay?" Anakin asks, looking up at his older brother.

He's sooo much older that it sometimes feels like he's more a master-parent-something than a brother, but Anakin doesn't really know what the difference is.

Obi-Wan sighs. "It's not easy. But we don't have a choice except to keep moving."

The memory of the Sith stabbing Qui-Gon replays through Anakin's mind again. He can't stop thinking about how Obi-Wan had to stand there and watch that. "I'm sorry we couldn't've stopped that," Anakin mumbles.

"You did everything you could have. It's like Qui-Gon said. If... for whatever reason, this is what the Force deemed to happen, there's little we could do to prevent it."

Why? That's what he can't understand, at all.

It's also scary to know that the Sith are back, but all Anakin's ever been told is that he has to be the one to balance the Force, whatever that means, and that he has to destroy the Sith who were supposed to be dead, so he's not too surprised by that. "But I'm s'posed to be the Chosen One. I hafta stop the Sith and I didn't."

Obi-Wan seems momentarily taken aback for some reason, before he steps closer, touching Anakin's shoulder. "That's not something you have to do by yourself. You did everything you could have. It – it wasn't your fault."

"Wasn't yours either," Anakin responds, quietly.

Obi-Wan's grip on his shoulder tightens. He doesn't agree or disagree. Anakin just hopes he knows that just because he was there, doesn't mean it's because of him that it happened.

"I miss him," he whispers because he can't stop thinking about it. He's never lost anyone before. Not like this. Not permanently.

"Me too," Obi-Wan agrees, solemnly.

He wishes there was something they could do to bring him back, but there's not. There never will be.

**w**

Anakin can hear voices around the corner of the next hall. He'd keep walking to find Obi-Wan – he just got out of one of his first classes as a padawan – but something about it feels like maybe he shouldn't. Like there's something private, maybe, about the conversation.

"You have a strong attachment to him," Windu is saying, "The rest of the Council may have agreed for you to train him, but you cannot let this further increase your attachment. As his master, you have to teach him to be a Jedi. This attachment has made it hard for him to fit in all this time and it's only going to worsen his struggles as he gets older."

"I understand, Master Windu," Obi-Wan replies. He sounds a little apologetic, but not very genuine about it.

Anakin swallows hard. This is...

He knows everyone's always been disapproving of how much he cares, of how much Obi-Wan does, and he doesn't understand why. It can be dangerous, he knows, but the sheer empty loneliness he feels sometimes would be far more distracting if he didn't have anyone. Or maybe feeling like that at all is selfish and that's the real problem. Because he's not good enough to be the Jedi he's supposed to be. But he doesn't really understand.

"He's your padawan now. Not your brother. You need to keep that in mind," Windu reminds stiffly.

There's movement up ahead in the hall and Anakin waits until he senses Windu moving away before he runs to catch up with Obi-Wan.

His master/older brother is standing there, something thoughtful but also decidedly grumpy on his face.

Anakin wants to say something to him, but he doesn't know what. He wishes he didn't always feel guilty for caring. "Hey," he offers, finally.

Obi-Wan touches his shoulder. "I thought you would be out of class a bit earlier than this."

"I... was. I heard your conversation with Master Windu." He drags a foot across the floor, not looking up.

Doesn't really know what he wants to hear. Just... something.

"Remember what Master Qui-Gon told us," Obi-Wan advises, "That so long as our focus is to help, we are doing our duty as a Jedi. And by being together, it will only make it easier."

That's not what the Masters ever say but it is pretty much what Qui-Gon said. And... Obi-Wan is his master now, so going by what he says of the Code can't be wrong, can it?

**w**

Being a padawan is exciting, once Anakin's able to at least try to start getting his mind off of Qui-Gon. He gets to be with Obi-Wan all day now, except for when he's in specific classes, of course.

They're trying to meditate together right now. The sheer brilliance of the Force has always been overwhelming for Anakin. He feels everything, down to the emotional fluxes of everyone around him,and he still doesn't understand how anyone could feel anything less, even if he's the only Jedi who can sense things this strongly.

But for a sudden moment, Anakin's almost certain he's sensing... Qui-Gon?

It's fleeting, like he's feeling him through a fog, but for a moment he's so certain that he's sensing him right here.

Maybe he's just imagining things because of how much he misses him, but he doesn't think so. He can feel it clearly in the Force, and it lingers long enough for him to repeatedly prod at the elusive Force presence. It feels right here and yet everywhere at once, but it starts to fade out before Anakin can say anything to Obi-Wan.

He sits there trying not to squirm as he waits for Obi-Wan to finish meditating. Can't help eyeing the way his outer robes flow around him with the currents of the Force. It looks kinda silly and dramatic, but Anakin likes it. He wants to be just like him when he's older.

"It appears someone's not too eager about meditating," Obi-Wan comments, dryly.

"I sensed something!" Anakin defends. He'd be bursting with excitement if he wasn't so confused. It's not something he'd feel comfortable telling anyone other than Obi-Wan.

"What?"

"I think it was... Master Qui-Gon? Like he was here even if he wasn't really. I don't understand."

Obi-Wan frowns. "I didn't sense anything."

His disappointment swells. "I don't understand it but I'm certain it was him."

"When people pass on, they dissipate into the Force. That shouldn't be possible," Obi-Wan objects. "But... if it was real, I'm sure you'll sense it again."

Anakin nods. It doesn't make sense to him either, but thinking about Qui-Gon makes him miss him all over again.

It also increases the constant ache inside of him, that all the younglings he knew when he was little are gone. They're all padawans or still in the creche, and most of them just seemed jealous that he was already being taken, and it... hurt.

"Are you alright?" Obi-Wan queries, interrupting his thoughts.

Anakin looks up. "I keep thinking about all the younglings I used to know," he replies, quietly, "It's just different when I'm the only one here. I mean I'm glad I'm with you all the time now, but it's different."

Obi-Wan's expression is thoughtful and understanding at once. "The transition wasn't easy for me, either," he admits, "I was the last of my group taken as a Padawan. It was... difficult."

"You still talk to Siri and the others now, right?"

"Sometimes, but nothing like we used to. You'll get adjusted to it."

He kind of wishes he didn't have to, even if he knows Obi-Wan's right. And what he really cares about most anyway is that they're finally together, and they don't have to hide it anymore.

**w**

"Anakin! Slow down!" Obi-Wan yelps.

Anakin decreases the speed of the ship he's flying a little, sending it for another spin.

"And spinning is not flying," he adds, grumpily.

He giggles. Can't help it. It's the first time he's been able to fly a ship ever, aside from training at the Temple. This is his first mission away. "But it's a good trick!"

"We don't need any flying tricks right now. Save those for when we get attacked."

"But how will I know how to do them if I only do them when we're getting attacked?" Anakin quips, though he sobers a little, "Are we about to be attacked?"

"Let's hope not," Obi-Wan replies, "This was supposed to be a simple mission to retrieve an archeological item."

So it should be simple enough, but Anakin is excited anyway.

Or at least he is until the pirates who've been attacking the archeological mining site all this time show up.

He knew fighting was a part of being a Jedi, but he's never seen violence before. Not like this. The pirates are trying to kill them, and Anakin can feel their selfish determination, but he – he doesn't want to hurt anyone.

Obi-Wan starts fighting them off, and Anakin feels it when someone nearby dies. Feels the way their Force presence is abruptly ripped out, the panic of that last moment still lingering in the air, and he feels sick. Doesn't even know what side the person who died was on, but it's still awful.

And then Obi-Wan promptly chops someone's arm off.

He feels frozen, downright sick and this close to flat-out crying because he has no idea what to do. He can't just freeze up in a fight, but he can feel the person's pain and he doesn't understand how Obi-Wan could... do that? The pirate's a bad person, yes, but –

"Anakin!" Obi-Wan calls in warning.

It throws him into motion again, fast enough to avoid the person sneaking up behind him. Except trying to fight him off with his new lightsaber... is a little harder than it was shown at the Temple. He can definitely do it, but that didn't quite prepare him for the moment his deflected blaster shot is directed back at the person, hitting them in the head before they can duck it.

Anakin feels it as their life fades away, dissipating into the Force.

He didn't know he could feel sicker than he already does.

Doesn't know when he started crying, but his eyes are burning with tears and he stumbles closer to the person on the ground, who's still lying there, unmoving forever.

Because of him.

He's supposed to be helping, not – not hurting. He knew this was part of it, but it – He suddenly doesn't find anything about this appealing whatsoever. He's never seen violence before, but he feels all of it and it – it hurts. He doesn't understand why – why anyone would want to do the kind of things those people were, why anyone would willingly choose to hurt anyone else. He tries not to rehear in his mind that person's scream as he lost his arm.

The rest of the pirates are retreating now, but the world feels like it's coming in through a haze.

"What's wrong?" Obi-Wan asks, circling around in front of him.

Anakin reaches up, snatching his hand, squeezing it tightly.

He suddenly feels stupid now. He – he's supposed to be strong enough to destroy the Sith. He has to succeed as a Jedi. That's what he was supposed to do. He owes it to the Order. He can't just – Ugh.

"I..."

Obi-Wan takes his hand, pulling him away from the building so they can have a moment to speak privately, without the people watching them. "What is it?" he asks visible concern in his eyes.

He doesn't need to feel stupid to explain it to Obi-Wan. There's nothing he doesn't talk to him about. Never has been.

"It's just the – the death," Anakin explains, "it – It hurts. We're supposed to help, not..."

Obi-Wan squeezes his shoulder. "It can be hard to adjust to it, but sometimes we have to fight with those who are hurting others. As a Jedi, we have to save as many people as possible and the people here were endangering others. Of course, we try not to harm anyone if we can avoid it, but it'll inevitably happen sometimes. It's part of our job as a Jedi."

"I know, but..."

"You'll get more used to it," he promises. "It's never easy the... first time."

Maybe. Probably.

Doesn't know that he wants to get used to it. It just feels awful.

Obi-Wan seems minorly freaked out, for some reason. Like he doesn't... know what to say, though that can't be true because Obi-Wan always knows everything. He always has.

"Did you hafta hurt that person like that?" Can't get it out of his head. He knows Obi-Wan's fought all the time and he's always looked up to him for how amazing he is, but this just feels...

He feels a little bad for asking though, because he doesn't want to make him feel bad.

"It was the fastest way to disarm him. I didn't have... time to think about it," Obi-Wan replies.

Anakin nods. It makes sense and now he just kind of feels bad for getting so upset but he can't stop thinking about it.

"Are you alright?" Obi-Wan asks, studying him.

He nods again. "Yeah. I – I um didn't mean to freeze up."

"It's alright. Maybe for our next mission, I can take you somewhere that shouldn't end with this much violence."

Maybe. That would be nice. Maybe being a Jedi includes a lot more things he didn't realize he'd have to do. But Obi-Wan will always be here and he'll help him.

**w**

Anakin didn't really expect that he'd get friends after becoming a padawan, even if he's twelve years old now. If anything, the jealous looks he always gets seem to be even worse. He's fighting off the training droid, which he programmed to fight like the Sith who Obi-Wan fought on Naboo right now, in the middle of a room of padawans. He has to know how to do this if it's his destiny to destroy the Sith like the Jedi always tell him.

Even if more and more, he thinks he doesn't want to destroy anything. He just wants to fix things.

Anakin fights off the droid and it's hard but it's still a challenge he enjoys, as he finally sends the droid to pieces on the floor.

"Just because he's good with a lightsaber doesn't mean he's a good Jedi," one of the other padawans whispers, loudly.

"He's just a slave to his emotions," one of the others snickers.

" – and to his attachments – "

"- always going to be totally useless at anything but lightsaber combat – "

The desperation to be the best Jedi he can be, despite how much it feels like there's a difference between that and what the Council says even if Anakin shouldn't think like that and he knows that, swells instantly at the words.

Anakin turns towards them, half a mind to say something equally biting in response when Obi-Wan jumps over the railing from where the masters were watching the training session.

"Is that appropriate Jedi behavior?" he demands sharply, approaching the other padawans.

"It's true," the padawan says, sullenly.

Obi-Wan's practically glaring at them. Anakin... shouldn't be so relieved that Obi-Wan stood up for him, even if he's a bit taken aback, too.

"No, it is not," he replies, icily, "Is making fun of another padawan for any reason a Jedi thing to do? That defines as giving in to your emotions to an extent far greater than Anakin ever has."

The padawans look sheepish and a bit taken aback.

Anakin's half expecting him to say something more, but then Windu enters the room, pulling him aside and the class starts to disperse.

Aayla unexpectedly appears behind Anakin, motioning for him to follow her out of the room.

"Yes?" he asks, uncertainly. She's nineteen now and far older than him. They've hardly seen each other, really, but she's still nice.

Looking up, Anakin sees Quinlan hovering right nearby.

"Just ignore those padawans," Aayla tells him.

"What kind of Jedi they think you are isn't important. What matters is what you really are," Quinlan interrupts.

Anakin bites his lip. He wouldn't normally say this to anyone but Obi-Wan, but Obi-Wan is always nice to him about everything, and maybe this once he needs to hear an objective answer. "But am I a good Jedi? I try to be, but I – I don't think I am."

It feels like he's admitting to the worst failing he could at saying that out loud, but he needs to know. He has to be better. He always has to be, to fulfill the destiny everyone always tells him he has, even if he wishes he could just be him without constantly hearing about this destiny sometimes.

"Why don't you think you are?" Quinlan inquires, studying him.

"I – I hafta be the best Jedi if I'm going to destroy the Sith but I never do enough. And – and I do have an attachment that I shouldn't."

"You're the most powerful Jedi ever, Anakin. I don't think you can say you never do enough," he replies.

He can understand that in theory, but... he's still worried.

"Struggling with attachments is natural when you're young. I went through the same when I was younger," Aayla interjects, exchanging a fond smile with her master, "That doesn't mean you're failing, not if you are learning to control it. And you're the most compassionate of the Jedi I've ever met. That... means something, regardless of how any other padawans act."

Quinlan pats his head. "So don't let them get to you."

"Thank you," Anakin tells them, smiling up at them shyly.

He has no idea how to react to them praising him like that. Obi-Wan does it all the time and even if he didn't, Anakin knows that he's proud of him but it's different to hear from people who are only acquaintances.

He's gotten more used to fighting as a Jedi, more used to the destruction and death and pain that comes with it, but he still tries hard never to hurt anyone he doesn't have to, even if it feels like it's making things more difficult.t

Obi-Wan... got used to it. Anakin can see how much he enjoys fighting, but he's accepted it as a part of Anakin, just like he's accepted Obi-Wan's enjoyment of fights as a part of him.

**w**

It's been about seven years since Qui-Gon died. It never really stops hurting, even if Anakin's learned to deal with it. He's sixteen now and... far more used to everything that comes with being a Jedi. Even if there are times he has so many questions. He doesn't see things eye to eye with the Council, the same way Obi-Wan tells him Qui-Gon never did.

It's starting to cause an increasing level of conflict with the Council on missions because he can't just blindly follow instructions if he knows it's not right. Even if he can't openly defy them, either.

He feels too deeply, sensing the emotions of everyone and he can't handle it to see people hurting. He's definitely never going to contribute to it, regardless of orders.

Once, he might have been too afraid to disobey, to not blindly follow his orders from the Council no matter who was getting hurt, but he can't do that anymore. He's not arrogant enough to assume that he always knows better, but he tries to follow the Force first, as much as he can. It helps that Obi-Wan is willing to stand with him.

"The Council isn't going to be happy that we didn't side with the Senator," his master comments.

"What else were we supposed to do? He was the one hurting the people?"

"I know," he agrees, "I can't say I have any regrets about the choice you wanted to make, Anakin."

He smiles at him, faintly.

"It is what Qui-Gon always used to do," Obi-Wan adds.

Yes, it is.

From what Anakin understood, Obi-Wan always used to argue with Qui-Gon about that, but he's become a bit more disobedient over the years of knowing Anakin.

Anakin always tries to follow the Force and the direction it leads him, so maybe it's not a bad thing. Maybe. At least he's not quite as terrified of failing his destiny.

He would never blatantly disrespect the Council, but he'll do whatever he has to do, to help people. Actually help. No just... blindly follow what the Senate wants of them.

When he and Obi-Wan are meditating together on the way back to the Jedi Temple, Anakin suddenly starts sensing... Qui-Gon?

He has from time to time and neither of them has ever been sure what to make of it. Anakin reaches out for the Force presence, trying to latch onto it, to understand. And it might not make sense, but it's what he's sensing in the Force and the Force wouldn't lie to him. He can trust himself enough to believe that, especially when he knows Obi-Wan trusts him, too.

Something seems to shift in the Force around them and when Anakin opens his eyes, it's to see a translucent figure shimmering in the room between them.

"Qui-Gon?" Obi-Wan inquires, incredulously.

"Yes, it's me," he agrees, warmly. He sounds the same as he always has.

"How?" Anakin asks faintly. By everything the Jedi taught this shouldn't be possible, but... He's definitely standing here, right in front of them, as though he hasn't been gone for years.

"I learned a way to preserve my consciousness after death. Perhaps when you're older, I can teach you as well."

"Is that why I've been sensing you all this time?" Anakin queries, leaning forward.

"Yes. I've been watching over you. I was hoping to be able to appear sooner, but you were blocking me off."

"We were?" Obi-Wan asks, dubiously.

"By your skepticism," he replies, dryly.

...Oh.

To think if they hadn't been so doubtful, they could have seen him a long time ago. But at least they're able to, now. Anakin's missed him so much and he knows the same has been true for Obi-Wan. "I'm glad you're here," Anakin says, quietly.

"I was always there," he promises, "And I always will be. I am... proud of what you two have become."

The surge of warmth that floods him leaves him momentarily speechless.

"Why?" Obi-Wan quips, finally, "Because we disobey the Council as much as you once did, now?"

"That too."

Everyone laughs.

Anakin thinks he forgot how much he missed the days Qui-Gon was still there, until right now. Until they're finally together again, even if they'll also always be worlds apart.

**w**

Missions to protect Senators are always boring, though Anakin finds meeting Senator Amidala a little more interesting than some. He's heard of her and how committed she is to the Republic, and she used to know Obi-Wan briefly so there's some familiarity there. He's nineteen now – it's been ten years since the Trade Federation blockade and since Obi-Wan last knew the Senator.

"I don't need more security. I need answers. I need to know who's trying to kill me," she's saying, as her security explains the situation.

"We're here to protect you, Senator, not start an investigation," Obi-Wan objects.

"We'll find the killer if we can," Anakin pipes up because there's no reason they shouldn't. It doesn't even make sense for them to get a security mission.

Obi-Wan throws a glance at him, though he doesn't mention it until the others are out of the room. "Searching for the killer was not in our mandate," he reminds.

"How are we going to protect her if we don't even know who we're after?" he points out.

"We'll see what can be done," he concedes grudgingly. "But keeping her safe is our primary objective."

"...I just said that too," Anakin reminds, cheerily.

Except only hours later, Obi-Wan-Doesn't-Want-To-Investigate-Kenobi goes out the window on an assassin droid and they chase the assassin all over the city until losing them after shooting down the speeder.

"Next time don't jump out of speeders," Obi-Wan advises grumpily, as he catches up to him.

"Says the one who jumped out the window of a skyscraper," Anakin snips.

Obi-Wan huffs, looking severely disgruntled. "We couldn't lose the trail."

"Why not use the Force?"

"I don't see the assassin anywhere down here," Obi-Wan says, choosing to ignore him which clearly means he's giving up on the argument before he embarrasses himself.

Anakin smothers the laugh that wants to escape, refocusing on what's actually important. "Why don't we ask someone?"

He approaches one of the bystanders. "Did you see which direction the driver of this crashed speeder went?"

"You and your dad are Jedi?" the bystander asks, eyeing them warily.

"...Yes. But can you answer the question?"

"She went into that cantina," the person replies, waving a hand.

"Dad?" Obi-Wan repeats dubiously, when Anakin steps away, "Wherever did they get that impression?"

"Maybe because you act like it?" Anakin offers.

"How?"

"Well you're my master and you're bossy and you do all the things you tell me not to do – "

" – I do not – "

" – Like jumping out a window – "

"Perhaps it's just that you do all the things I tell you never do, like going through power couplings," Obi-Wan interrupts.

"But that was fun, wasn't it?"

"No."

But seriously, the conversation has more meaning to him than he's ever really thought about or been able to put into words before. "But they are not wrong. You're the closest thing I have to a father." Even if he is technically his older brother. How they're biologically related doesn't change that Obi-Wan basically raised him from the time he was a baby.

He's expecting a snarky comeback from Obi-Wan, but instead, he's eyeing him thoughtfully. "I know," he says quietly.

It's hardly anything but it's enough for him to know that Obi-Wan's clearly thought the same thing before, and that means a lot.

And they'd probably better get moving before the assassin gets away.

**w**

With Obi-Wan gone hunting down the assassin, Anakin ends up going to Naboo with Senator Amidala. She's not the first friend he made outside the Order, for as fleeting as all of them end up being, but their friendship forms quickly.

And then Anakin starts noticing how Padme... feels. He can sense it, even if it's weird and he doesn't know her nearly well enough to reciprocate such a feeling.

But he knows what she wants, even if neither of them is saying a word about it.

Saying anything about it would be stupid, anyway. That's not something he could ever do, even if he wonders sometimes what it would be like to have a normal family outside the Jedi. But at the end of the day, it doesn't matter.

Obi-Wan is his family. He always has been and Anakin's not going to do anything that would be essentially betraying him and definitely not anything that could get him kicked out of the Order. For all the struggles he and Obi-Wan may have had with the Council and other Jedi masters over the years, this is still their home and Anakin still respects and believes in the Jedi way and what Obi-Wan's taught him.

**w**

Accepting that being a Jedi is always what he's wanted and he can't imagine being anywhere else doesn't mean Anakin's ready to become a Knight. That's a phase of life he's been more than patient about waiting to get to.

But all padawans are being Knighted now, with the war breaking out.

Yes, he thinks he's ready to be one, but... he knows what it's going to mean and he's never going to be ready for that, to be entirely on his own. It won't even be like when he was young. He and Obi-Wan will have separate missions now and he doesn't know how much time they will or won't have with each other.

But for tonight at least, he's not going to worry about it. They'll be set on separate missions shortly, but... not yet.

"Any questions about being a Knight?" Obi-Wan asks him.

Anakin shakes his head. "I know my responsibilities." He's learned them well enough even if he doesn't handle them quite the same as most Jedi do. But Qui-Gon didn't either, so... maybe it isn't a bad thing?

"Good luck on Cato Neimoida settling that dispute," Anakin tells him, dryly. There's some commotion there, the neutral system accusing the Republic of attacking them and the Separatists are jumping at the chance to try to bring them into war. As a new Council member – it's weird to have to consider him that – Obi-Wan's been selected to go.

"It's going to be what you would probably call fun," Obi-Wan replies, grumpily.

"Probably," Anakin agrees, "More interesting than giving a speech to younglings." He doesn't have any issue spending time with the younglings but the fact that he's supposed to be giving them some kind of speech is unreasonably terrifying.

"I had plenty of practice with you," Obi-Wan points out.

"Hmm."

Anakin flops onto his back on the bed and Obi-Wan lays down next to him. Might as well stay with him while he still can. He rolls closer, curling up next to him about as best as he's able to when he's taller than him now.

Maybe things will be different now with the war and everything but... at least right now, Anakin thinks it's something they'll be able to maneuver. They'll still be together whenever they can be.

This is where he wants to be.

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