September came and went, and the new normal that existed within the apartment felt like everything Hailey had craved when she'd first proposed to Jay years before.
A life where you're met at home with the sound of the TV playing or the timer going off on the stove.
Where you're given a goodnight kiss every night before you fall asleep.
Where you can expect there to be an empty glass next to the sink in the morning if your partner had a rough night.
Where you know someone is always willing to hold you whether or not you had a long day at work.
Where you find yourself smiling and enjoying that life everyday.
Things weren't always easy. Hailey sometimes jumped too far into a case that would close her off for a day or two. Jay sometimes got caught in the past and the weight of what his life in Bolivia had been and done. There were small arguments over forgetting to wash the towels or not telling the other they would be going out after work.
But it never felt like a trap. Hailey could expect that when she'd get annoyed because Jay didn't eat lunch and was then in a bad mood, he'd join her in the bathroom while she took a shower and ask her about her day, entertaining her as she washed her hair. In turn, if she forgot to text Jay that she was going to be home later than expected, she'd crawl into bed that night and press several slow kisses to his skin while whispering apologies in his ear.
Individually, they continued going to therapy and the gym, using their time to work on themselves with the hopes that what had happened the year before would never happen again. Jay came home with strategies on what to do when the PTSD became too much, and Hailey continued working on trusting that her heart was safe in his hands. She used running as an outlet whereas Jay began lifting heavier and heavier weights, slowly becoming closer to where he was before his accident.
The normality of their life balanced out the crazy that Hailey experienced at work. Adam was still struggling to return to Intelligence, and Dante needed to go on leave to take care of his mom after her surgery. She felt bogged down with paperwork and case files now that she was one of the three people trying to balance it all. Voight tried helping where he could, and Trudy tried pushing off deadlines as much as possible, but it was still hard.
At the end of the day, she felt lucky to come home to Jay. He was reliable and supportive and knew what she was going through. Even with his new role as lead instructor at the academy, he still understood how overwhelmed she was feeling and what the frustrations of the job were doing to her. With one look at her as she entered the apartment, he could tell if she needed space, a back rub, or a cold beer. None of it was a bad way to spend the night.
As October approached, though, the normalcy started to be replaced with tension. Hailey started having nightmares of when Jay left the year before. The feelings of loneliness and depression crept into her mind whenever she closed her eyes. Rolling closer to Jay sometimes helped, but she could tell he was feeling it as well. They may have done rather well at tackling his PTSD from Bolivia, but they were about to experience the first anniversary of him actually leaving, and any of their progress seemed to fade away.
"My arm hurts," Jay mumbled one night.
Hailey rolled over to face him in their bed and asked, "What can I do? Need ice?"
Jay shrugged with his right arm and tried stretching out his left. "I don't know. I didn't go to the gym after work today because of that meeting."
Hailey nodded and pushed up on her elbow. "How'd that go? You didn't say anything about it."
"Was kind of distracted," Jay sighed, "Both during it and once I got home."
Smiling sadly, Hailey reached over to place a hand on his chest. She brushed her thumb over the white cotton of his t-shirt and breathed, "Do you think we should talk about it?"
There was a beat, and then Jay nodded.
"We don't need apologies," Hailey gently reminded him, "Just…let's get things off our chests."
"I remember," Jay mumbled.
Hailey hummed and scooted closer to him so that she could press into his side. "You go first," she said.
Jay groaned while running a hand over his face. With a sigh, he said, "It feels weird. I don't know. Worse than that anniversary of my supposed return date, but also a relief in a way. I survived when I thought I was going to die – or go to prison."
"I never would have let that happen," Hailey murmured.
Jay smiled slightly and glanced down at her. "I know," he said, lifting his arm to hold her against him.
She tucked her head against his good shoulder. Closing her eyes, she said, "I'm so grateful for you, do you know that?"
"I do," Jay chuckled. He kissed the top of her head. With his lips lingering against her skin, he breathed, "You kept me going while I was there. I would lay awake at night and remember what you looked like, how you'd feel in my arms, the sound of your laugh. And it'd be comforting, but it'd hurt too. It hurt worse than the burn or any of the shrapnel. I don't know if I really expected that."
Hailey waited a beat before saying, "It was a different version of heartbreak."
Jay hummed. "I think the thing was, when I was caught in the explosion years ago with Mouse, I didn't have a wife – let alone a girlfriend – to come home to. I had my mom, but…but it's different. I went on better terms too. It was okay to go then. I was running from my life, but I wasn't running from my problems or the person who I loved more than anything. So the burns and the broken bones were so damn painful. This time, it was my heart that hurt the most."
He breathed in shakily and shifted on his side to face her better. "We were together, but it felt like we'd broken up, even if I woke up to a handful of texts from you. I wondered if that was what it was like to have a heart attack, if that's what my dad felt before he collapsed."
Hailey shook her head and rubbed her hand over the center of his chest, but she knew exactly what he'd meant. For weeks after his departure, she'd wake up feeling like she couldn't breathe or that she was frozen in fear. Her limbs were cemented to the mattress and her head would be filled with a buzzing of wasps all making her dizzy with pain. It was the closest to death she'd ever felt.
She'd been left in their apartment. That night, maybe she'd passed out from loneliness and confusion, maybe it was just exhaustion and tears. She woke up on the ground next to the couch with a raw throat and a swollen face. She couldn't even function properly.
Truthfully, she hoped that wasn't what death was like. Whenever she would imagine what it had to be like getting shot out in the field, she secretly hoped it would be a quick death. A bullet to the head or straight through her heart – something that would take her out without her even realizing she was going to die.
Bleeding to death would be like Jay's absence. She would know it's happening, be aware of every ounce of blood seeping through her skin, and grow dizzier and dizzier until keeping her eyes open was impossible. She'd beg for it to end all while begging Jay to be there. The words would linger on her lips, but she'd be too worried to actually admit that she was scared. She would feel like she needed to be strong for everyone else and accept the death for what it was.
Hailey blinked, causing tears to slip down her cheeks, and breathed in a ragged breath. A sob slipped out with a high-pitched noise, and she blushed in embarrassment.
Jay's eyes widened at the noise, but instead of saying anything, he simply wrapped himself around her and held her tight. He knew.
It wasn't his near death that almost killed her. It was the mere thought of the death of their relationship that practically ended her life.
His hug was like CPR. The safety net of his arms brought her back to the present and to the reality of their relationship. It had survived through the worst, and tomorrow was going to be the one-year anniversary of its fracture.
Anniversaries, though, needed to be positive events. They should represent growth and celebrate all that was learned in the time since the first date. They were about survival and life, and the two of them had it all wrong.
Jay's departure was a dark period of their lives, and if they relived every single time there was an anniversary of sorts – their first phone call, their first FaceTime, their first fight, their first letter, their first holiday – they would be miserable every year for approximately six months. That wasn't a way to live. They needed to keep moving forward with their lives and acknowledge the bad while focusing on the good that occurred since.
As her tears slowed at the realization, Hailey found breathing easier, and her limbs began to relax against Jay. She could hear him sniffling and knew from the way his chest shifted beneath her hand that he'd been crying as well.
"Jay," she whispered.
He hummed and lifted his stiff left arm to wipe his face.
"Jay," she said while sitting up, "We can't…we can't be sad."
He let out a weak laugh, punctuated by the tears still thick in his throat. "Hailey, I abandoned you. We survived to tell the tale, but it doesn't exactly have a Once upon a time feeling about it."
She shook her head and set her hand on the side of his face. Her thumb brushed beneath his eye where a stray tear still sat, and she said, "Maybe I said it wrong. Maybe…maybe we can be sad that it happened, but we can't let it take over our lives still. Renewing our vows and getting you a new job and moving forward needs to have been for something, Jay, right? I don't want every October to come around and for us to just stop living our lives because last year we experienced the worst month we could have imagined."
She breathed in slowly then leaned down to press her forehead to his temple. "I love you," she whispered, "And I would much rather celebrate our happiness than our depression. Do you agree?"
He nodded and turned more to hold her tightly. "I'm sorry," he murmured.
"Still nothing to apologize for," she said, "We don't apologize for getting upset or being hurt."
"Who knew we'd still be utilizing our Walter Reed rules seven months later?" Jay asked.
Hailey laughed and wiped the last of his tears from his eyes. She rested her head on the pillow, but kept her hand over his heart. "They were good rules. I was proud of those."
"They were," Jay agreed, "I needed them."
"Food, medicine, and sleep: they really are the essentials," Hailey said. She used her fingers to brush away her own tears and sighed. "We need to do something good tomorrow. Are you-"
"I took the day off," Jay interrupted, "I actually made a therapy appointment."
"Oh."
Hailey didn't want to say she was shocked, but she was certainly surprised to hear it. Both of their therapy appointments were down to every other week – on Thursdays, one of them was talking to their therapist, and the other was making some sort of comfort food for dinner. They really didn't veer from that schedule, and it worked. Sometimes, one of them would admit over the waffles or chicken stir fry that they weren't sure they still needed to go, but then the other would tell them to stick it out for the next appointment, and they'd realize it was helpful. It wasn't like they had other things to do, anyways.
There hadn't been an unplanned appointment in months, and, yet, as Hailey listened to Jay breathe, she knew it was the right choice for him. He'd had a hard enough time when they reached the day he should have come home; there was no world in which tomorrow was going to be easy for him.
She didn't know how it'd be easy for her.
A year ago today, she knew Jay was struggling, spent hours worrying about him, and then tracked him down with Voight just to see him standing over a dead body. None of the "anniversaries" of this time of year were happy memories to look back on.
Not buying Jay meals just to have them go cold.
Not drinking bottles of wine alone.
Not waking up to an empty bed.
Not washing the dried blood from Jay's hands.
Not watching him walk out of her car and toward the airport.
And that was just considering her own emotions tied to those events. Not only did Jay have the loneliness and depression surrounding them, but he now also had the guilt that has been eating at him. He might have moved forward in his life and done well since then, but that didn't erase everything he'd gone through. Therapy had helped him get this far; he needed it for this last big jump.
"I could meet you for lunch," he breathed, almost as if he didn't even hear her reply to his announcement, "Would you like that?"
She nodded and brushed her thumb over his heart. "I would," she said softly, "I can take the afternoon off too."
"That's actually when my appointment is," Jay said, "I'm gonna go for a run then head to the gym in the morning. I'll meet you for lunch, and my appointment is at two. Does that sound like enough time?"
"For sure," Hailey replied. She kissed the underside of his jaw and breathed him in slowly.
A year ago, they'd fallen asleep together in a puddle of tears. This wasn't exactly better, but it was certainly more comforting. Back then, she wasn't quite sure she had Jay, and now she knew he was going to have her for the rest of her life. His heart was tattooed on her shoulder, and his last name was about to be hers. They were meant to be as infinite as the symbol on her wedding ring. Forever.
"I'm proud of you," she whispered.
Jay tilted his head and tried to look down at her. "For what? Going to therapy?"
"Well, a little," she admitted, "Because a year ago, we both know that wouldn't have happened."
Jay chuckled slightly and nodded at her statement.
"But that goes with what I was thinking," Hailey continued, "I'm proud of how far you've come – since Bolivia, since coming home, even since Roy. You…you are still the man I married and the man I fell in love with, but you are also so much more. You are self-aware and smart and know what to do when things are a lot to handle. You've grown, and I'm proud of you for that."
Her words sat in the air for a moment, and then they seemed to settle within Jay's heart as he fully rolled over to tightly hug Hailey to his chest. He squeezed her to the point that she almost felt like she couldn't breathe, but it was the tightness that was comforting. It grounded her in the moment, and reminded her that Jay came home to her. The circumstances didn't matter. All that mattered was that he was here in her arms.
"I love you," he murmured against her ear.
She brushed her hands over his back and closed her eyes. "I love you too," she whispered, "Forever, Jay."
"Always, Hailey."
She smiled and squeezed her eyes tight against the tears that were burning within them.
This hug was just as tight as the one she'd received a year ago tomorrow, but it wasn't Earth shattering or heart breaking. Instead, it mended a piece of her that had long been fractured.
Waking up, Hailey decided they needed to take today as it happened without making it a big deal. Jay wasn't going into work, but they still enjoyed breakfast together out on the balcony. With the colder air, Hailey took that as an opportunity to wrap herself in one of Jay's sweatshirts as she enjoyed her coffee. It comforted her on the rather dull morning.
The clouds rolled in over the water, and the sun barely peeked out within the grey sky. Hailey felt as if Mother Nature knew of what happened the year before and was grieving with them.
Neither said anything about what day it was, choosing to let the words from the night before echo in their hearts. They didn't need to beat a dead horse and revisit all their feelings from the last year. If they truly wanted to move forward and celebrate like Hailey had spoken about, they needed to start the day off on the right foot.
Too soon, Jay was walking Hailey down to her car and kissing her goodbye before taking off down the sidewalk for his run. She was half-tempted to follow him and make sure he was okay, but today needed to be about the trust they had with each other. Jay said he was going to be fine but would still text her if anything came up, so that was what she needed to believe.
She turned her car in the opposite direction and headed off to work, silently wishing that no one would bring up the day to her. Surely, they had to have known. It wasn't everyday that they lost a member of their unit because he decided to resign and go work for the army instead. Especially not a member like Jay.
Hailey's biggest regret over the last year had to have been not leaning on her team more. There was only so much she could have done regarding Jay: he was a grown man who made his own decisions no matter how painful they were. There was a lot more she could have done for herself.
She could have gone to more dinners at Kevin's house.
She could have taken up more of Dante's invitations to go to the gym.
She could have accepted more of Kim and Adam's thinly veiled playdates with Makayla.
She could have simply leaned on Trudy more.
She could have even asked Voight for some time off.
He would have given it to her just like everyone else would have accepted more of her into their lives. She wasn't the only one who'd lost a friend, and they had needed their own support through such a weird time in their lives and unit. They needed their friend.
Hailey was about ten minutes from the district when she realized she needed to make a pit stop. She didn't want today to be all about Jay and what had happened a year before, but she also wanted to say thank you to her friends for all they had tried to do for both her and him.
And everyone loved donuts.
"I think I've experienced this entire thing before," Adam announced as she stepped into the bullpen with a box of loukemaddes in hand.
She laughed and shrugged. "Not a bribe this time," she said, "More of a thank you for sticking by my side – and Jay's – over this past year."
"You don't have to thank us for anything," Kevin said, but he still stood from his desk to grab out a few of the small donuts, "But thank you."
Hailey smiled and held out the box toward Adam. "Have a few."
He laughed and stood to grab one. "What are they called again?"
"Greek donuts," Kevin explained, already popping his third into his mouth.
Hailey laughed with him then turned to Kim. "You want one?"
"Try like five," Kim answered with a smile, "Thank you."
Voight's door opened, and he stepped out with Trudy, the two of them already engaged in a hushed conversation. They stopped, though, the second they looked up and saw Hailey standing there with her box of loukemaddes in hand.
She took a deep breath and set the box on the edge of Kim's desk. "I don't want anyone to make a big deal out of today," she began, "But I do want to take a quick second and at least acknowledge what it is. I should have leaned on you all more when Jay left, and I'm sorry I didn't. However, all of your offers for meals and company did not go unnoticed, and it's something I think about everyday. Even when his time in Bolivia came to an end, none of you left us in the dust and proved to us that this is perhaps the best group of people we could have ever been a part of. So thank you. Truly."
There was a beat, and she half-expected everyone to – once again – brush off her thanks, but then Adam was tugging her against his chest and whispering, "Love you," in her ear.
He was quickly replaced by Kevin who gave his own, "You are one strong human, Hailey," before stepping back for Kim to wrap her arms around her.
"You deserved every ounce of support," she whispered, "We've got you."
Trudy remained silent as she stepped in to give one of her rare hugs, but the emotions and support – and maybe even the pride she felt – were present within that tight squeeze.
Voight took a step forward and waited for Trudy to step away to meet Hailey's eyes. He took a deep breath then shook his head. "I'm sorry for what you went through," he said quietly, "But I'm proud of who you proved to be."
Hailey shot him a smile and nodded. He was certainly a large reason behind Jay's absence, and there was no denying that had he not roped Jay into this idea of power and manipulation that things would be much different now. But the sentiment was appreciated. She could have gotten lost in the darkness that shadowed her life a year ago – she almost did – and somehow she'd found it within herself to push forward. Limited texts, fewer phonecalls, and even fewer letters could have sucked all her hope and drive away, but she had survived through it all. That was something to be proud of.
"She's amazing," Kevin said, wrapping an arm around her shoulders and giving her a tight squeeze.
Everyone murmured their agreement before sending her smiles and returning to work, leaving her breathless and flushed.
Her intent on bringing the loukamaddes was not to have everyone praise her for what she'd been through. It was just supposed to be a thank you for their support. She was not a fan of all their attention on her in this sense. Explaining a case or running a crime scene was no problem, and she'd do it without blinking an eye. The second everyone started staring at her and saying nice things about her, unprompted, her heart rate increased and her palms got sweaty. There was no need for all the praise.
She'd lived her life. She'd loved her husband. Anyone could do it.
But she started to realize that that didn't mean everyone would.
She could have sent divorce papers to Bolivia. She could have told Jay they needed time apart upon his return. She could have let him sit in the hospital alone for ten days.
It was more than just choosing to love Jay, but actually doing so when push came to shove.
She couldn't even say that it had been easy to do. Loving Jay was done without a question, but keeping that love in front of her frustration and anger and hopelessness took more effort than anything she'd ever actually done. Her father wouldn't have been able to do it, and maybe she knew others that also would have struggled. She didn't. She not only survived, but she managed to convince Jay that he was worth it all, as well. That felt like the most important part.
He didn't think he was worth the effort and would have understood had she chosen to leave him. He wanted her to love him, but he would have understood if she didn't. He tried pushing her away and putting up walls, and yet she kept at it and showed him that he was worthy of being loved.
Just like he'd taught her.
Without him, she didn't think she ever would have found such happiness in being in a relationship. He built back up her heartbreak and fears and didn't let her self-destruct. She was afraid of love, but there was never anything scary about being in a relationship with Jay. He was the one person she could trust with her life.
That trust was what she was able to focus on everyday over the past year of her life. He said he would come home to her, and he did. It was not under the circumstances that either of them wanted, but it still happened. They were still married and in love, and it proved to all be worth it.
Jay was worth it.
Jay offered to bring her a sandwich and said they could eat together in the break room, but Hailey turned him down. They were supposed to be celebrating a year of life after their world was turned upside down; she didn't want to spend a meal inside the building that threatened to tear them apart.
He seemed relaxed as they ate – almost as if today was just another day. He rolled his eyes when the waitress returned to the table with cucumbers on his salad, he ordered a water and internally debated squirting the lemon in it before deciding not to, and he kept his hand on her thigh throughout their meal.
Their table in the corner of the diner wasn't necessarily secluded, but Hailey still felt like they were in their own bubble. Through her jeans, she could feel the heat of his palm burning into her skin. She needed to return to work in about half an hour, but there was nothing she wanted more than to skip it all just to spend the day in the apartment with Jay.
He cleared his throat and reluctantly removed his hand from her leg to cover his mouth as he coughed. "Sorry," he mumbled before taking a sip of water.
"You good?" Hailey asked.
Jay waved her off then placed his hand back on her thigh. "Swallowed wrong," he explained, "Before I almost died, I wanted to ask you out."
Hailey raised an eyebrow at his words. "You didn't almost die," she began with a slight laugh, "But what do you mean 'ask me out?'"
"I have a thing planned, and I want you to come with me," Jay offered, a smirk already starting to form on his face.
She laughed harder because she knew he was aware of exactly what he was doing to her right now. "What the hell are you talking about?"
"I've planned a date," he said, "So accept my invitation." He punctuated his words with a squeeze to her thigh that sent a bolt of heat through her stomach.
"Are you going to tell me anything about this date?" she countered.
Jay hummed to himself and took a final bite of his chicken sandwich. Hailey stared at him amused, knowing he was loving every moment of keeping her in suspense.
"We'll be outside a bit," he finally said, "So dress warmish."
"Warmish," she repeated, "Jay-"
"Like…leather jacket, jeans…that sort of thing," he interrupted.
Hailey raised an eyebrow and rested her elbow on the table. "That's kind of specific."
Jay scoffed. "Is not. You wear that stuff all the time."
"I'm not wearing it today."
"Oh, sorry, you traded out the leather jacket for a sweatshirt. Wild, Hailey."
She let out a short laugh and shoved his arm so that his hand shifted on her thigh. He laughed with her and shook his head.
"You look as beautiful as you always do, I promise. I love your clothes."
"But I need to wear a leather jacket tonight?"
"Just trust me."
She did. With her life.
"Fine," she said softly, still trying to hold back more laughter, "I'll wear my leather jacket. Will you be wearing yours?"
"Course. Couples that dress together, stay together, right?" Jay asked with a wink.
She laughed and leaned into him, setting her hand on his to squeeze his wrist. "We kind of do dress the same, don't we?"
"Especially in the winter," Jay chuckled, "There are only so many flannels and sweatshirts in the world."
Hailey shrugged and brushed her thumb along the back of his hand. "I like it. Your wardrobe basically doubles mine."
"Especially since I'll be in uniform most days," Jay said, "You can have free reign of my closet – not like you don't already."
Hailey laughed and sat back in her seat. "Only when we're spending the day at home. I don't wear your clothes to work."
Jay raised an eyebrow, and Hailey laughed harder because she knew what she'd said had been a lie. Just the other day, she'd been rushing out the door due to a last minute call to meet at a nearby gas station and needed to find something to wear. Jay's blue flannel had been right there on the ground from where she'd pushed it off his arms the night before. She basically had no choice but to put it on as she was leaving.
All day, she'd caught herself smiling to herself when no one was watching – in the privacy of her car or in the bathroom stall or even as she sat at her desk in the bull pen. The fabric wasn't physically warm when she'd pulled it on, but it'd sure felt like having Jay's arms wrapped around her all day. His aftershave and the smell of his body wash was embedded within the fabric so that with every breeze or breath of a fan that washed over her, she felt like he was right there with her. She hadn't had that feeling at work in months, and before that, practically a year. Admittedly, she was already planning on intentionally wearing his clothes to work in the future, especially if she was going through a rough case or just wanted the reminder of his support.
"That's what I thought," Jay said through his own laugh, "So, again, my closet is yours, except for tonight when we wear our own jackets."
"I can manage that," Hailey replied, trying to stifle her wide smile.
Jay simply smiled back at her and glanced around before leaning forward to steal the quickest kiss that Hailey was almost convinced was imaginary.
"I love you," he breathed.
She shook her head slightly and rubbed her hand up his arm. "I love you too," she said softly, "Are you-"
"Just lucky," he interrupted, "I'm feeling really, really lucky to have you in my life."
Hailey smiled and nodded. Squeezing his elbow, she forwent any of his hesitation about being in public and kissed his cheek. "I can't wait until we can celebrate together tonight."
Jay hummed and brushed his hand along her thigh. "Neither can I, but I can promise you that the wait is going to be worth it."
"You really are getting me interested in whatever this is," Hailey said, "I am very thrown off by what it could possibly be. Last time you told me what to wear for a date night, we went ax throwing, and you didn't exactly get it right."
Jay laughed and shook his head. "I'm sorry I wanted us to be comfortable. I didn't realize it wasn't exactly a workout."
"Mhmm," Hailey laughed, "So how am I supposed to trust you on this one?"
"Oh, I know I'm right on this one," Jay said, "I've done this thing before, so I know what we need to do and what we should wear. We're set. Promise."
Hailey raised an eyebrow, but remained quiet. She could easily keep pushing him and see how far she could go before he gave in, but there was something about his determination and how he took initiative to plan a date for today of all days that she wanted him to have it. Surprises weren't her favorite thing in the world, but Jay's surprises were usually things that made for good memories she wanted to hold on to forever. He could have today.
"I can't wait," she settled on repeating, squeezing his elbow again before reaching for her iced tea. She took a long sip then settled back in her seat.
And yet for the rest of the afternoon, long after Jay had dropped her back off at the district, she realized that patience was not her strong suit and that she really did wish she could have pushed him to give her even just a few more details on what they were going to be doing.
He wasn't home when she stepped into the apartment, and she was partly surprised. If he had a date night planned, she expected him to be home getting ready himself, especially since he specifically requested a leather jacket from her.
She took it as a clue that they'd be going somewhere for dinner instead of burgers at home or chicken stir fry – Jay's favorite meal to make when he wanted to call back to their first night together at his apartment years before. The thought made her smile, and she made her way into the bedroom to destress from the day.
As she slipped her shirt off and rifled through her closet for her white sweater, she heard the front door open, and there was a beat before Jay called out, "Mrs. Halstead, I'm home!"
Hailey laughed and replied, "In the bedroom!"
The name-calling started slowly. He loved the fact that she was changing her last name, but he never pressured her or made her feel like it was something incredibly important to him. She knew it was to give her an out if she had second thoughts, but they never came. She was committed to being Hailey Halstead and wished the process was faster than it was turning out to be.
Once she had the court date set and all the paperwork was starting to be approved, the Mrs. Halstead started slipping out more and more. When she was making them dinner and when he wrapped his arms around her after a long day. When she had more news on the process of actually changing her name and when she woke up in the morning. It was meant to make her smile, and it worked without question. Her name was meant to make her happy, and she slowly fell more and more in love with the idea of being Mrs. Hailey Halstead. Officially.
Jay whistled when he stepped in their bedroom and laughed as he walked over to her. "Hey," he said, grabbing her waist.
She hummed when he caught her lips in his and murmured back, "Hey. Everything go okay?"
"Perfect," he said. He gave her one more kiss then stepped back with his fingers pressing into her bare skin. "Can I tell you more about it at Bartoli's?"
"Oh, is that where we're going to dinner?" Hailey asked.
"Reservations are set for half an hour, is that okay?" Jay countered.
Hailey waved her hand and stepped out of his grasp to continue looking through her closet. "Why wouldn't it be?" she asked, finally finding the sweater and slipping it over her head.
Jay helped her straighten it out and shrugged. "I didn't know if you were hoping for something else."
"My favorite pizza with my favorite guy? No place else I'd rather be," Hailey said.
Jay laughed softly and kissed her forehead. "Glad to hear," he said softly. He placed a hand on her side as he walked around her to look at his own clothes. Seemingly, without giving it much thought, he pulled out a dark green henley, and Hailey found herself smiling at the idea of him wearing it beneath his leather jacket. She was already loving whatever they were going to be doing.
"Let me just brush my hair out, then I'll be good to go," she said.
But before she could get too far away from her, Jay reached out and put a hand on her back. "Don't worry about it too much," he said, "You'll see why."
Hailey raised an eyebrow, but laughed softly instead of saying anything. She knew better than to ask Jay too many questions tonight.
Despite what he'd said, she still brushed the tangles from the day from her hair. She even put on another layer of mascara and squirted her perfume over her outfit before walking out of the bathroom.
Jay met her at the front door, her leather jacket in one hand and her white sneakers in the other.
"This dress code is hilarious," Hailey said as she accepted her shoes. She placed a hand on his arm to steady herself while slipping them on before kneeling down to tie them.
"It's necessary," Jay chuckled. He grabbed her hand once she straightened up then reached for the doorknob.
"You have the keys?" Hailey asked.
For an answer, Jay winked and led her out of the apartment.
Hailey laughed and leaned into him, wrapping her arm around his waist as he placed his over her shoulders.
A year ago today, Jay seemed to know exactly what he was walking into while Hailey felt lost and confused. While he might not have known what Bolivia was going to bring him, he at least thought that it would save him from whatever horrors were living in his mind.
Now, Jay still had the upper hand as he walked Hailey down to the parking lot, and she still had no clue what was to come, but she didn't care or even give it a second thought. Over the past few months, she learned to overcome the fear that Jay's actions gave her the year before. She wasn't scared of what they were going to do tonight: she was excited.
She was also the slightest bit confused when she spotted Jay's truck to her left only for him to lead her over to the right. "Jay," she breathed.
"I bought something today," he started to explain, her body still tucked into his as they walk, "I've known guys who tattoo their tours on their arms or the 'Pledge of Allegiance' across their back because they survived the year following their tour. I love yours, but that's just not my thing."
Hailey hummed and glanced up at him.
"What is my thing, though, used to be riding and-and feeling free," Jay continued, finally coming to a stop, "I told you I bought my first motorcycle after a fight with my dad. It was my escape. I…I don't need to escape my life anymore, but I do miss that feeling of riding around maybe a little too fast and having the wind hit me in the face to remind me that I'm alive."
Hailey's heart raced in her chest because she knew what he was saying before the words even came out of his mouth, so she turned to see what was in the parking spot they stopped in front of.
"I didn't get a tattoo today, but I got a motorcycle," Jay finished softly.
Hailey found herself staring at a sleek, black motorcycle with two black helmets sitting on the seat. She let out a soft laugh and walked over to drag her hand along the matte metal, her fingers tracing over the brand name.
"What do you think?" Jay asked, "Are you okay with-"
"This is quite possibly the coolest thing you've ever bought."
The words spilled from Hailey's lips before she could give them a second thought, and she spun around to face him. The laughter followed, and she could feel the happiness brightening her eyes.
Immediately, Jay's face lit up to match hers. "You think?"
"Oh my god, you bought a motorcycle!" Hailey laughed, "Jay, I told you months ago that I'd be okay with it. I just didn't think it'd happen this soon."
"Well, I figured I didn't need the mid-life crisis to actually bite the bullet," he said. He walked over to her and set a hand on the seat. "I've been thinking about it since we talked about it at the restaurant and started actually looking last week. I swear I did go to therapy today, but I'd also been toying around with the idea of going to the dealership. They were open and just got in a new shipment of these, so…"
"So it worked out," Hailey finished. She smiled up at him and set her hands on either side of his face. "Jay, we're married, but you're allowed to do stuff for yourself every once in a while – especially since this is something I was also interested in."
He chuckled and grabbed her wrists. Kissing the bottom of her right palm, he murmured, "Kind of a crazy thing for you to say on the one year anniversary of Bolivia."
Hailey shrugged and pushed up on her tiptoes. "I've grown," she whispered before kissing him.
The sound of his own happiness mixed with hers between their lips, and his hands slipped down to grab at her waist. He turned to lean her against the bike, and she moaned at the feeling of the cool metal through her jeans as his leg nudged hers apart. His knee pressed against her, drawing another sound deep from within her to wrap around them.
She dragged her fingers through his hair then tilted her head to the side to allow him to trail his lips down her jaw. "Don't we have reservations?" she breathed.
"For pizza," Jay huffed in her ear, "I wouldn't mind fulfilling a goal of mine first."
She laughed softly and lightly pulled his hair so he straightened up enough to look her in the eyes. "A goal of yours? What? To make out with a girl against a motorcycle?"
"To make out with you against a motorcycle," Jay corrected, and when his lips met hers again, she realized this was also a goal of her own.
The wind whipped through Hailey's hair, and her hands grew cold despite being wrapped around Jay's chest. Her thighs squeezed against the seat of the motorcycle, and she pressed herself up against Jay's back.
He'd been right.
She did feel free.
Laughter bubbled out of her lips with each turn Jay made, increasing when he sped up or shifted his hands so that she could feel the muscles of his back move. She didn't dare close her eyes to miss a single moment of what they were doing. The ride to Bartoli's wasn't long, so Hailey was already craving getting back on the bike the second Jay parked outside the restaurant.
"What'd you think?" Jay asked breathlessly when he pulled his helmet from his head.
"Oh my god," she gasped as she pulled hers off as well, "You should have never sold your first one."
Jay laughed and pulled her into his side. Kissing the top of her head, he said, "Maybe, but this one's a lot faster. I'm happy with my choices."
"Can you take the long way home?" she asked on the way into the restaurant, "Let's just go out for a bit and take it all in: the water, the lights, the people. I want to experience Chicago this way. It's new, and-and I'm obsessed."
Jay's smile practically split his face in half. He stopped right before they could walk through the front doors and grabbed her waist. "There is nothing I'd rather do with you."
Any other day, Hailey could think of a couple of things that Jay would probably prefer over doing that, but she still knew he was telling the truth in this moment. He'd meant it when he'd said that he felt free when riding his motorcycle years before, and that feeling was sure to have returned tonight. To share that together was something brand new to both of them, and it was something that they both quickly fell in love with.
Especially on today.
She could have two beers with her pizza and laugh a little too loudly for being inside a restaurant. Jay could reach across the table and wipe the pizza sauce from her face before getting some on his own shirt. They could talk about where they were going to ride the following weekend and whether or not Hailey's parents would approve of her doing so, if it would cause more or less of an argument than her tattoo.
They could be two people clearly in love with each other, and no one else would know that one year ago, they both cried themselves to sleep. And were scared their marriage was over. And didn't know if they'd ever see the other again. And felt an intense feeling of loneliness that made it hard to breathe.
Today was the anniversary of Jay leaving for Bolivia, but it was truly the start of their forever, and Hailey loved every second of their date night.
Jay rode along the water at a speed that might have induced fear in Hailey years before. She knew she was safe with Jay, though. Her arms were wrapped around him and her fingers were digging into his shirt, and she couldn't dream of ever letting go.
The lights sped past them, and Hailey knew that this was Chicago at its finest. The setting sun cast a blur of purples and oranges across the city, giving everything a hue that made it feel like a dream. And maybe it was, because by the time Hailey was falling into bed in their apartment, the stars were out and her mind was hazy from the tequila shots they'd done at a bar on the other side of the city as an excuse to stay out just a little bit longer.
Her hands couldn't get Jay's clothes off of him fast enough, and she almost regretted that she was more buzzed than he. He could function a little bit better, was a little more coordinated, and a little bit faster at getting to his desired destination.
Those little regrets all faded away when the feeling of Jay's bare skin pressed against her own. She gasped as they moved together on the mattress, both of them fighting for a dominance that created desperate moans and weak laughs. Her hips slotted into his as her fingers threaded through his hair, the diamond on her ring spinning to scrape against his scalp.
She whispered her needs and wants in his ear, not even caring when they came out mumbled and broken between all the sounds he was drawing from her. More slipped out when the noises Jay made against her temple became all she could hear.
Her nails dragged down Jay's heated back as his pressed bruises into her hips. She tipped her head back and let out strangled gasps, rubbing her foot up along the side of his leg one moment, followed by snapping her hips hard against her own when he flipped them over the next. There was never enough and too much all at once.
Hailey didn't know how long their night tangled together had lasted, but when she found herself weakly slipping out of bed to use the bathroom, she was shocked to see the numbers 3:24 on the small digital clock next to the sink. She set a hand over her stomach and squinted while looking in the mirror to see the damage done.
Red, wind burned hands from the motorcycle ride.
Swollen lips from Jay's being pressed to hers so desperately.
Hickeys like burns scattered across her chest, centered around her tattoo.
Hair tangled and twisted to expose her skin to those heated kisses.
Her body ached, and yet she hadn't felt as satisfied and spent in forever. It didn't matter how many times they slept together throughout the week, there was something special about just letting go and enjoying each other without a care in the world that made the thought of stopping near impossible.
Hailey washed her shaky hands and dried them on the towel sitting nearby before returning to the bedroom. Jay laid spent and exhausted atop their comforter, and she knew he felt just as used and satiated as she did. He turned to face her at the quiet sound of her bare feet on the floor and let out a weak chuckle.
Holding his left hand out to her, he wiggled his fingers and murmured, "Come 'ere."
She smiled at the black wedding band around his ring finger and reached out to grab his hand as she gathered the strength to climb onto the bed. Jay immediately tucked her into his side and pressed his lips to her forehead, burning another kiss into her skin.
"I love you," she whispered, sleep already fighting at her limbs and dragging her into the mattress.
"I love you too, baby," he breathed, "Forever."
Hailey wished she had the energy to whisper back Always, and maybe she did, but in that second, all she could register was the feeling of her eyes shutting and love wrapping itself around her.
She was much safer tonight than she was a year ago.
And that was going to make all the difference.