Trigger Warning - Infant Loss and Grief
Charlie walked through the streets of Ottery St Catchpole, the memories of the last few days flying through his mind so fast it was beginning to make him dizzy. They had been staying at the Burrow since it happened, his Mum didn't want them to be alone while they were going through something like this. When he had left the house, Hermione had fallen asleep on his Dad's chair, for the first time in days she had finally managed to get herself some sleep.
As he walked along the street, passing a few Muggle shops on the way, he could see some people glancing his way and he barely registered that they were friends of his parents, who obviously knew what they were going through at the moment. He couldn't bare to acknowledge their sympathetic looks.
Charlie had never liked the quiet before, he had always preferred constant noise, it made him feel busy and less alone. Maybe this was because the Burrow had always been so noisy and boisterous while he had been growing up, the only real time of quiet was when everyone was in bed and the only noise was the groaning and banging of the Ghoul in the attic. But now, he couldn't get enough of the quiet, having a moment to himself and finally being able to feel like he could breathe again. Sometimes his Mum fussing over him and Hermione could feel so overwhelming, he wanted to shout out at her and tell her to stop, but then the feeling of guilt consumed him. He knew she was only trying to help, doing the one thing that a Mother knows best to do which is take care of her own when they're hurting whether it's physical or emotional.
So, he let her, he continued to let her fuss over them, whether it was giving them about a million hugs a day or make them food so she knew they were eating. Charlie knew that she was grieving as well, grieving the grandchild she had lost. The whole family were grieving and sometimes it was hard for him to remember that when he was so consumed with his own grief. Sometimes he didn't know how to be there for Hermione, they both lost their daughter. Lost something so important and loved to them. But she had carried their daughter, protected her for as long as she could before she had to give birth and cradle their baby until she passed away, there was something more about that, he couldn't put a word to it and he would never know how it actually felt to have to deliver a child and then watch them die.
Charlie felt his body shudder and the tears once again overwhelming him, he finally arrived at the spot he had been visiting ever since the birth. It was a small wooded clearing, with a gorgeous ground of flowers still blooming in patches. Nearby there was a small bridge the overlooked a small river. He had taken Hermione here once; it had made her smile for the first time in a long time. She had called it their 'One Hundred Acre Wood', he hadn't understood what it meant at first but then Hermione showed him a book called Winnie The Pooh and it clicked into place.
What he would give to be able to change what happened, they didn't deserve this pain. Hermione especially didn't deserve this pain after everything she's been through, Charlie just wished he could make it better for her. For both of them, this pain he was feeling was something he had never felt before. He allowed his eyes to close and imagined the feeling of cradling his tiny daughter in his arms.
"There are moments that the words don't reach
There is suffering too terrible to name
You hold your child as tight as you can
Then push away the unimaginable
The moments when you're in so deep
Feels easier to just swim down
And so they move uptown
And learn to live with the unimaginable"
They had to begin to live with the unimaginable, with the pain that no parent should ever have to feel. He had cradled his little girl tightly in his arms, the pink blanket had been wrapped lovingly around her and he had spent as much time as he could just gazing at her perfect little face, taking in all the details and trying to memorise them. She had a perfect little nose which he knew was from Hermione, and if anyone asked, he would always swear that while he was staring at her, she smiled. He knew she was too young, and it might have been impossible, but seeing what he saw made his heart soar. She had given him the signature Weasley smile and that was going to be a memory that would always stay with him.
"I spend hours in the garden
I walk alone to the store
And it's quiet uptown
I never liked the quiet before"
"(If you see him in the street, walking by himself
Talking to himself, have pity)
You would like it uptown, it's quiet uptown
(He is working through the unimaginable
His hair has gone grey, he passes every day
They say he walks the length of the city)
You knock me out, I fall apart
(Can you imagine?)"
If their daughter had survived, he just knew they would have taken her here for walks and picnics in the sun, it would be their family spot. At that thought, his heart clenched with sadness and his hands gripped onto the wood as he stared down into the water, his reflection staring back at him. His hair was dishevelled from the amount of times he ran his hands through it and the bags under his eyes were so bag they could carry the shopping in them. He looked so much older than what he really was, it was the stress of the loss he supposed.
"Look at where we are
Look at where we started
I know I don't deserve you
But hear me out, that would be enough"
Charlie made his way back to the Burrow, the feeling of dread and unhappiness weighing heavily on him as he approached the gate. Never would he have thought that the Burrow could be associated with such unhappy feelings and once the worst passed, he hoped he never would feel this unhappy at his childhood home ever again. He walked quietly into the living room, pausing for a moment as the silence enveloped him before his eyes fell to Hermione, who was now awake and curled up on the chair that she had been asleep on.
Charlie watched as she continued staring out the window for a moment with silent tears running down her cheeks. Without hesitation, Charlie pulled off his coat and sat next to his wife, wrapping his arms around her shoulders and squeezing tightly.
Hermione leaned into his embrace, appreciating the comfort that it brought. She wiped her tears away before leaning her head on his shoulder. "I didn't do anything wrong" She whispered
Her voice was so low Charlie at first thought he was hearing things, but when he glanced down to see her tear filled eyes staring up at him, he knew she had actually spoken "What's that love?"
"The Doctor's and Nurses, they told me I didn't do anything wrong" Hermione's bottom lip quivered for a moment before she nuzzled into Charlie's neck
"I know that love. I know" Charlie soothed, pressing a kiss to her hair and held her tightly, allowing his own tears to fall.
"If I could spare her life
If I could trade her life for mine
She'd be standing here right now
And you would smile, and that would be enough
I don't pretend to know the challenges we're facing
I know there's no replacing what we've lost
And you need time
But I'm not afraid, I know who I married
Just let me stay here by your side
And that would be enough"
All Charlie wanted to do was to make Hermione smile again, he would take his daughter's place if he knew that would make her happy. He wasn't sure what was going to happen now, or the challenges that they would continue to face in their marriage, but he knew they would do it together and as team. They were stronger together. He knew that no matter what, they would never be able to replace their daughter, she would always hold a piece of their heart. But for now, they needed time to heal and come to terms with their loss. And as hard as it was now Charlie knew that Hermione would be okay with time, he knew who he married and she had been through some terrible situations and came out stronger because of them, he knew she could do it again. They both could.
"(If you see him in the street, walking by her side
Talking by her side, have pity)
Look around, look around
They are going through the unimaginable"