Foreword: Yo. It's an Interlude chapter - sort of. See, this time I ended up making 3 Interludes at once, which are all packaged into this single chapter, which I've titled as Interludes I, II, and III. I wanted to try getting into the heads of other characters, because while Hikigaya is the main character of this story–that is, this particular fanfiction–every single character has their own stories and experiences which are affected by Hikigaya's existence and their interactions with him. As such, it seems only fair to dive into the heads of other characters every now and then. There's also an Afterword below.
Chapter 6/Interlude:
One by one, each of them arrives at their own conclusions.
I.
Once again, Finn Deimne fails to understand.
Recently, it was becoming more and more difficult to refute a single fact: I envied Hikigaya Hachiman.
Perhaps envied wasn't the correct word. But it was difficult to ignore the fact that Hikigaya Hachiman held certain qualities within hims which I seemed to lack.
He was an interesting individual, to say the least. The first time when we had met, he hadn't stood out to me at first; nothing about him had stood out aside from standing out by associating with a Level 3 Bete. No one special, just another face in the crowd.
All that had changed the first time I had talked to him. With a few words he had instantly caught my attention, and the parting shot he had left not just me, but Loki Familia with, was not one that was soon forgotten. An entire company in Orario thought near-untouchable at the time had been taken down by just an individual and a few well-scattered pieces of paper. What was on the papers was a different matter entirely, but not a single drop of blood had been spilled in the process.
As if mocking my failures, Hikigaya's track record had succeeded where I had failed. Though only Level 2, he commanded Bete's full respect, something I had never seen with anyone else, not even the Loki Familia executives, including myself. With nothing more than a glance and a few words, he had reined in the werewolf when Bete's drinking had gotten out of hand mere days ago, something both Rivera and I had failed to do.
And finally, today. Even when face-to-face with 6 members of Loki Familia's best, he hadn't even flinched, and the outcome of the discussion, which had originally been intended as nothing more than an exchange of information, had finished with a guarantee of protection. It was clear that Hikigaya had outmaneuvered not just me, but Riveria at the negotiating table as well.
What about him made him different from others? I wanted to know. I desired that quality of his which I lacked.
That was probably why, before Hikigaya left the meeting room, I called out to him. "Hikigaya."
Without looking behind him, he answered after a slight pause. "... What?"
For some reason, I hesitated for the briefest of moments before asking my question. "Why did you become an adventurer?"
"...Because I had to." His voice was low and silent, almost as if he knew, yet hated his answer. "You yourself would know, wouldn't you?"
"No, I wouldn't. I'm different." Even to me, the words felt hollow. I'm sure that Hikigaya heard it too, because he scoffed.
"You chose to compromise. How is that any different?" His words seemed to strike me in the face, and this time, even though I opened my mouth reflexively to tell him that it wasn't true, the words failed to leave my mouth.
With that, he left the room, leaving me there, unable to answer.
And I knew why.
Because Hikigaya was right.
And in the beginning I had hesitated, not because I didn't want to be wrong, but because I didn't want to be right.
Life was all about choices. I'm sure that Hikigaya knew that, too. And my own choices had never been wrong. They were always in the right, and I would stick by my choices no matter what happened. But Hikigaya's answer made me feel as if I was the one in the wrong.
In the end, I had chosen to compromise. In the past, whenever it came to making decisions, I had always chosen the option which would best promote the image of "Braver"; I had always chosen the option which would benefit society and also continue to ensure my fame and my success as an adventurer. Never had I considered defying what society asked of me in order to do something else, and I doubt I would ever consider doing so.
In the end, everything was a choice.
And perhaps that was why I envied Hikigaya Hachiman.
Hikigaya Hachiman, who always chose the option that seemed to fit his own desires the most; Hikigaya Hachiman, who had never made the choice to compromise; Hikigaya Hachiman, who was free to choose what he wanted.
Because once again, I'd failed to understand what it was I was truly looking for.
~~This is a Line Break~~
I'd long had a sneaking suspicion that there was a slowly growing divide between what I truly wanted, and what I strived for: what Finn Deimne "the person" wanted, and what Finn Deimne "the Braver" wanted.
Perhaps I was right. I hoped that I was wrong.
But currently, that wasn't a problem I wanted to focus on, as relevant as it was. There were larger issues at hand here. The orb, Hashana's murder, and the raid on Rivira were the main issues here. Hikigaya's part had been played; he needed to recover before delivering the package so I could continue to unravel the mystery.
The orb. Hikigaya had even gone as far as grabbing Riveria's wrist to prevent her from touching it. What had he said? "No bare flesh." In other words, the orb was an artifact of some sort which would activate upon contact with flesh. Furthermore, what had Aiz said the woman called it? "The seed." The orb, then, must've been some kind of egg which could parasitize living things and evolve into some sort of new creature.
Then, the black-cloaked figure's retrieval quest couldn't have spelled well for Orario. If they had employed such extensive measures in order to ensure that no one could've detected the path of such an item without employing equally thorough countermeasures, then it was clear that the orb was meant to be smuggled as some sort of weapon into Orario, where it could then cause untold chaos and disaster.
My thoughts turned towards the red-haired Tamer. If the black-cloaked figure had intended to use the weapon to destroy Orario, then why would the red-haired Tamer be trying to retrieve the orb?
While the black-cloaked figure's methods were extensive, they were subtle and near untraceable. But the red-haired Tamer's actions had left a trail of destruction a good kilometer wide, nowhere near subtle enough to be the actions of someone on the same side. This difference in methods was enough to tell me that there were two sides to the conflict, of which neither side nor Hikigaya nor Loki Familia was on.
Furthermore, the red-haired Tamer had muttered something rather… peculiar during that battle. "First-tier adventurers, Level 5… no, 6." It was as if she had never seen–no, as if she had never even heard of us before. Loki Familia was a world-famous organization. No adventurer at that level of strength couldn't have not heard of us. It was almost as if… almost as if she wasn't from the surface. That wasn't possible, right? The Dungeon didn't have the ability to produce sentient, living beings, let alone humans or any other race.
I licked my thumb. There was something very, very wrong about the entire situation. How much did Hikigaya know? He had spent part of the meeting silently, seemingly strategizing or contemplating, but the conclusion he had arrived at seemed to indicate the same train of thought I was currently following along with.
"Captain? You've been quiet for awhile now." Before I could follow up on my train of thought, Tiona's voice broke me out of my train of thought. "Is there something wrong?"
"..." I briefly considered telling them my view of the whole situation, but refrained from doing so. There was still a great deal about the entire situation that made it extremely unclear. Hikigaya was right; until the identity of the black-cloaked figure could be discerned and their affiliation made apparent, there wasn't much we could do. Speculation would only lead to assumption, and assumption to bias, which impaired judgement. As such, I gave Tiona a small smile and shook my head. "It's nothing, Tiona. Don't worry about it."
"Hm?! The captain's in trouble?!" Tione, upon hearing about my problem, jumped into the conversation. "Captain, are you okay? Do you need a shoulder massage? Lap pillow? What about a cuddle?"
Honestly, this girl… I suppressed my sigh at Tione's antics and went back to staring at my lunch. Hikigaya's words rang in my head. You chose to compromise. How is that any different?
Because ideals wouldn't do anything. That was what I had come to realize. Yes, I had probably been a wide-eyed, naive child some 3 decades ago, but that was no longer the case anymore. I had faced reality and I had come to terms with it; I had understood what being a first-class adventurer actually meant.
Had my choice been wrong? Had I really been neglecting my own desires for the sake of–
"Finn." Riveria's voice broke me out of my trance this time, and I looked up to see her slightly tilting her head in Aiz's direction. The blonde girl made no attempt to eat, instead doing nothing but stirring it with her spoon in her food while her eyes burned with a passion that I had come to know all too well.
I really am out of it, huh? Enough to not notice Aiz's old problem flaring up again… Just stuck in my own thoughts, chasing the same whispers and dead-ends over and over again… When would I learn? My choices haven't been wrong so far, and they probably won't be wrong in the future, either. Come on, focus. There's no room for doubt.
"Aiz?" I prodded the girl gently, but I received no response. "Aiz? Is there anything wrong?"
"No." She shook her head softly, but firmly. "I'm fine." I held back a grimace as I exchanged a look with Riveria. Aiz was in 'that' mood again. Usually, she might head into the Dungeon by herself, but it was never anything particularly serious. But this… it reminded me of the look she had when she had started out as an adventurer. Reckless, immature, and filled with rage.
Even Riveria probably couldn't rein her in this time. Not after what the Tamer had mentioned–Aria, the name of Aiz's mother. The best the two of us could do was to keep an eye on her to prevent her recklessness from hurting either the party or herself.
"... I'm going to go practice." Placing her bowl on the table, Aiz got out of her chair. "Please…" Without finishing her whisper, she walked off, but both Riveria and I understood. Please don't follow me.
Before anyone else besides Riveria and I could react, Aiz disappeared into the trees.
"Aiz?! Aiz, where're you going?!" Tiona called after the girl and began getting up, but a quick shake of Riveria's head convinced her to sit down again.
"Will… will Aiz-san be okay?" Lefiya squeaked out her reply almost timidly, as if she was afraid to ask that question. Even though she had been recognized as Riveria's protege, the young elf still remained lacking in the self-confidence department from what I had seen since she joined. However, it appears that thanks to Aiz, Tione, and Tiona's influence, Lefiya was slowly coming out of her shell and gaining confidence as a backline mage. For example, her spell which wiped out half of the plants in Rivira was one of the best cases of improvement.
"Aiz'll be fine." I waved off Lefiya's concerns. "She just needs to have some time by herself."
"Ah… a-alright then." The elf lapsed back into silence, but Tione and Tiona were quick to fill the empty space with their words.
"Aiz aside, Lefiya, you did an excellent job. Thanks for protecting us." Patting the elf's back, Tione gave out her own words of encouragement.
"Lefiya, you did great back there! We still didn't get to thank you for it, but you did amazing!" Tiona engulfed Lefiya in a hug, which caused the elf's ears to turn a bright shade of red.
"Yes. You did well, Lefiya." Even Riveria chimed in with some praise, which meant that I had to finish up.
"Wonderful job, Lefiya. Thank you." Looking her in the eye, I smiled warmly.
"T-thank you! I'll c-c-continue to w-work hard in the future t-too!" Her whole face a blushing crimson, the elf stammered out her thanks as she bowed.
Tiona laughed as she embraced both Tione and Lefiya, who let out a bit of a squeak.
As they continued playing, I took the opportunity to relax and blow out a sigh.
How could have this been a compromise? Hikigaya's worldview didn't apply to me. What was wrong with compromises? My own choice to compromise hadn't been wrong; not, it had given me the best of both worlds.
No, just because I didn't understand what I wanted didn't mean that my choice had been wrong. As hollow as it sounded, I'm sure that it was the truth.
II.
Nothing will stray Aiz Wallenstein from the path she's chosen.
swwsshhhhh
Desperate cut through the air as I practiced in the clearing. It wasn't fast enough. Not nearly fast enough.
The name 'Aria'. The red-haired woman. The fight. Memories flashed through my head, each new image only stoking the black flames within me. I swung my sword, repeating the previous practice again. Again.
My hands shook as I remembered the fight with the red-haired Tamer. I hadn't been fast enough, or strong enough. Desperate was slow. Too slow. Again.
No, it wasn't the sword. It was me. I was slow. Too slow. Again.
I was weak. Even though I had been an adventurer for 9 years, even though I had reached Level 5 already, even though I had been pushing myself for so long, I was still weak. Again.
Maybe, if I hadn't been so weak, I might've been able to win. Again.
Maybe, if I had been stronger, I might've been able to figure out why she knew the name 'Aria'. Again. Again. Again.
Aiz Wallenstein was weak. Again.
Aiz Wallenstein was still weak, and she couldn't get any stronger. Again.
Aiz Wallenstein couldn't save anyone. Not even herself. Weak. Weak. Weak. Again. Again. Again.
I felt my emotions flare up within me, that black flame within my soul driving me to continue practicing. Over and over and over again and again and again. More, more, more. Faster, cleaner, stronger. Until it's perfect. Until you won't lose to anyone ever again. Until you won't lose anyone ever again.
When did I lose my edge? When did I forget what I really fought for? When did I lose my drive? Each question was only punctuated with the swish of Desperate as it cut through the air.
When did I forget the one and only desire that had pushed me onwards this far? Forming attachments, forming bonds, all for what?
… If you forgot what you fought for as an adventurer, then what was the point?!
Unable to control myself, I whipped Desperate at full strength towards the forest. There was a deafening series of CRACK-CRACK-CRACK as one by one, the trees toppled to the ground, landing with tremors that shook the ground I was standing on.
As I finally paused and lowered my sword, sweat on my brow and my breath coming out in short gasps, the image of that white-haired boy rose to the front of my mind. But I didn't want to think about him right now. Even though I still owed him an apology for what happened, the thought of me as I was right now facing him… scared me. I didn't want him to see me like this. It would be like tarnishing a precious memory of mine.
There was a rustling noise at the edge of my perception which was slowly moving towards my location. A monster? Judging from the pace and the sound, it was somewhat heavy-footed, and not exactly fast. There was a… deliberate slowness to the gait which told me that it could only be human, so I lowered my sword, pushed down the lump of emotions in my throat, and patiently waited. No one outside of my familia could see me like this. At least, that's what Finn said.
A few minutes passed before a young man with raven-black hair and unassuming features walked into the clearing, a sword slung over his right shoulder and a backpack over his left. With a single strand of hair pointed bizarrely upwards and a slouch, he gave off the air of an old man.
Seeming to take no notice of me, he moved around the clearing, picking up the abundant fruits that could be found on numerous other trees on the 18th Floor and putting them into his backpack.
What was his name, again… ? Hiki? Hikitani? Tani? I didn't really remember. But I was supposed to be protecting him until he delivered the crystal orb. He was supposed to be treated as "one of our own", as Finn told us. I guess that means I should greet him.
"Hello." The boy paused as I greeted him. Was I... not supposed to have done that?
There was a brief moment before he replied. "... Yo." Yo… ? Was that supposed to be a greeting of some kind? "What's with the long face, Wallenstein?"
"Long face"? Did I really look that disappointed?
"Well, if you just wanted to say 'hi', I'll be on my way." Was I supposed to say something to him? He didn't seem to be the type of person who liked small talk.
"... Wait." Before the raven-haired boy could leave, I ended up asking for him to stop. "How…" I thought back to the battle the night before. "How'd you know? About the monsters."
"Lucky guess." He guessed… ? If he had screwed up, wouldn't Lefiya have ended up wasting her Mind and damaging Rivira? You couldn't afford to take chances like that in the Dungeon.
"How... were you so sure of yourself?" The boy stared at me, and I felt a need to restate my question. "How do you live… with your own weakness?"
The boy's dull, lifeless eyes stared at me, piercing me with a gaze that seemed to pass through my very being.
"If you want advice on how to accept your own shortcomings, Wallenstein, don't make it about me." I frowned as he delivered his answer without a shred of hesitation. He had seen through my attempt. "And learn to word your question better. The same words could've come out of Loga's mouth." Loga… ? Ah, he meant Bete.
I frowned as I realized that he was right. That… annoyed me. I didn't want to be compared to Bete. Not after that night in the bar. Not after what he had said.
"Anyways, I'm going to go." Turning away from me, the boy adjusted his pack so that it fit better on his shoulder before moving to leave.
Before he exited the clearing, however he paused again for a short moment. Was he... waiting for a reply? "...Word of advice, Wallenstein. What you desire, or what you have right now… think about which one you'd choose if you could only pick one of them. Because if you decide to blindly chase the path you've chosen without being willing to sacrifice anything, you'll just end up hurting everyone around you." There was a bitter tone that tinged Hikigaya's words, and I could hear the loathing in his voice as he spat out the word "sacrifice".
I could only watch silently as the raven-haired boy shuffled into the forest, his silhouette mixing in with the trees bit by bit until I couldn't distinguish between the two anymore. My mouth tasted oddly bitter as his words seemed to echo in the clearing. If you decide to blindly chase the path you've chosen without being willing to sacrifice anything, you'll just end up hurting everyone around you.
… Blind? … He had no right to call me that. I took up the sword because I had to. There had been no other choice. Because no one had tried to save me, because there had been no other way. That was why I fought. Because I had to.
Because no one else could save me but myself.
I had no choice. In the end, I was still weak.
I needed to become stronger. That was simply it. And to be stronger–I had to keep fighting. There was no other way.
There was no room for weakness, I reminded myself. No other path to walk. So I'd continue on this path I chose.
III.
Maris Hackard doesn't want to lose anyone anymore.
There was a dull thud as I slammed my fist against the tree, which creaked as it shook violently from the impact. Branches trembled and various fruits plopped to the ground, rolling in the grass, but I didn't stoop to pick them up.
He was alive. Just barely. But Hikitani was alive. He wasn't dead.
But he nearly had died.
My fist trembled against the tree. It was my fault. All my fault.
If only I hadn't stopped for a drink with Lulune-chan–if only I had been more focused with our task–if only I had listened to Hikitani when he told us to go–
I… I'm… I'm the worst.
Hikitani–no, Hikigaya. No nicknames. Hikigaya had almost died because of my mistake. He would've died if it weren't for the potions that Aiz-san and Lefiya-san gave us and Riveria-san's healing magic.
Died. Never come back. Not being stuck in the infirmary for a couple of weeks before jumping back into commission like before, like so many times in the past. Died. Because of me. And then what?
I wasn't Hikigaya. I couldn't handle loss and grief the way he did 2 years ago, when–when–
I blew out a long breath which hung in the clearing. I couldn't go there. Not right now. Not ever, unless you're alone with Asfi-san in a room with a bottle of Soma in front of you where the door's locked and she has the key. I sucked in a stifled breath, trying to push down the ugly lump of emotions forming in my throat. It was fine. I could hold it in. But my thoughts turned back to Hikigaya, who had held it in for so long and hidden it from everyone, including himself. All for the thing he pursued.
Every time I screwed up, every time I messed up, every time I made a mistake–someone else paid the price. And because Hikigaya had always stuck around–no, because he had always let me stick around, he had always paid the price. Always, because everyone else who had thrown in their lot with us had already lost it.
But Hikigaya… he was human, too. Even though he always accepted responsibility for what happened, even though he was always steady, always reliable, always dependable, in the end, everyone had their limits.
And when he had woken up today, when he had looked at me with that disinterested sort of look as if he was reading one of his books, I had almost lost it. It was as if he didn't seem to care about himself, as if his response to my hug was to pat me back because it was something he had read from the book. And I never could've missed that hopeful tone in his voice when he asked about the package. And the sound that had leaked out of his mouth as he hit the ground when he tried to walk right after being nearly cut in half because he wanted to deliver the package, because it was all about the package.
This incident was the last straw. I had put my trust in him–for what? For him to be willing to blow himself up using Asfi-san's explosives?! For him to suicidally take on a Level 5?!
For him to know his limits all too well, and to push himself just up to the breaking point so that he could bend himself a little further for his own desperate desire?!
I hadn't worried about it before, but the blood–the way I had seen his body split open–
I slammed another fist into the tree, the smooth, almost glassy wooden bark splintering violently beneath my hand. A fragmented web of cracks spread outward as the tree shuddered, but it was firmly rooted to the ground, refusing to topple so easily.
Hikigaya might've been an unsolvable mystery box to me, even after all these years, but he wasn't a god. He had his routines. His tendencies. Always first, always pushing just a little further, right up to the limit. And the way he always took the pain and the loss and seemed to accept it for what it was… that wasn't acceptance. It was… hiding. He hid it, I could tell. He never mentioned Umbar or Yelena once they had left the party, and he never, ever talked about what happened to… to…
I blew out a long breath, which hung in the clearing. Damn it, Maris, it's been 2 years. 2 years. You can do this. Because there's no one else left to remember him. Two years since…
I couldn't do it, after all. But the way Hikigaya had acted when that had happened… the way he turned to ice and launched himself into the Dungeon, always moving, always killing, always pushing deeper and deeper… it was wrong. It was something that had nearly killed both of us. Somehow, somehow, by the slimmest of all chances, I had managed to drag the both of us back to Rivira that time, more dead than alive.
I wasn't sure I could ever do that again.
One day, Hikigaya would give in to his desire. I knew it. He'd stay in the Dungeon, alone, for days or weeks on end without even attempting to survive, doing nothing but pushing further deeper and deeper into the Dungeon, killing monsters over and over again so he could ignore the pain and the loss deep inside we had all felt at the time.
He was the only family I had left. I absolutely could not let that happen. That's why I've made up my mind.
That's why I had to stop him, to talk to him, to do something, anything.
Because I didn't want to lose anyone anymore.
~~This is a Line Break~~
Even though I was usually a big eater, tonight I couldn't swallow more than a couple of bites of my stew before leaving it sitting in my hand, occasionally stirring it with my spoon. Hikitani, for his part, ate like he always did: quietly, in small bites, his eyes lingering on the fire the entire time.
"You're all better now." I kept my eyes on my bowl while I spoke, careful not to look at him.
"Yup." He replied dispassionately, keeping his listless eyes focused on the flames. "Thanks to you guys, I didn't die. In fact, I'll be perfectly fine in a day or two." I didn't fail to notice how easily he mentioned how close he had come to death–a passing casual mention, as if he had just gone to buy some food, rather than avoid ending up being cut in half.
"Really? That's great," I responded, but for some reason the words didn't feel like mine. "What about the orb?"
"Safe with me. I'll have it delivered by tomorrow, and we can start figuring out the mystery from there." It was the old Hikigaya, the Hikigaya I had known. Always with a plan in his head, always moving forward and brushing the obstacles in his way aside, always reliable, always able to accept the past and move on even after what had happened…
And always driving himself towards the edge of no return. Always focused on the task at hand, rather than his own health or his own body. Always pushing forward without giving himself the right time to heal, instead choosing to slap on a patch-job and calling it a day. Always showing little to none of his emotions, because those were a liability in the Dungeon and needed to be cast aside.
That was what an adventurer was supposed to be. Efficient and calculating. As Hikigaya once said, it was to minimize risk and maximize profit. But it felt wrong. It felt so horribly wrong.
"That's good."
"Mhm."
There was a moment of silence, and I realized that our words felt hollow. Had they always been like that? Me talking his ear off, him quietly listening, but never really taking it in? Me wasting his time with idle chat when all he was doing was eating his food and ending up lost in his own thoughts?
Did I ever understand Hikigaya?
"Listen, Hikigaya…" I needed to talk to him. But even though I was usually talkative, tonight the words I wanted to say failed to leave my throat. Instead, I could only stand in silence as I struggled to work out what I wanted to say. "Hikigaya… does the orb mean more than your life to you?" Hikigaya froze, and for the first time during the entire meal, looked up at me.
I kept talking, trying to convey my point to him. "Please stop the way you're doing things… I don't know why, but I know it's wrong–"
"It'll be fine." A curt response that cut off what I wanted to say next.
Hikigaya's words seemed to collapse a dam which had been holding back my emotions the entire time, and as it fell the words came rushing out my mouth like a torrent of water.
"No, you're not fine. You're always doing this. Always risking yourself, always taking the blame for what others did, always–" I struggled with the words, and I fell silent, but Hikigaya didn't respond, either.
"Hikigaya…" something compelled me to grab his shoulder. To make him turn towards me. To look at him straight in his deader-than-a-dead-corpse eyes, which betrayed no hint of emotion even now. The lump of emotions in my throat swelled. My vision clouded for some reason, and my next words refused to leave my mouth. "When… when will you… when will you stop trying to kill yourself?"
"I'm not going to kill myself. You're worrying about nothing, Hackard." He finally responded in an even tone, his face still locked into his usual expressionless blank.
Was that how he felt? Or was that a mask?
"Hikigaya… you…" I struggled with what I wanted to say. The words stuck to my mouth, refusing to leave. "Why... won't you realize that there... are other people who care about you?"
I saw his eyes break contact with mine as they trailed off to the side, saw his mouth set firmly into a frown, felt his shoulder stiffen up beneath my grasp. My hand was no longer welcome, and I let it droop down to my side, where it hung limply. "This conversation is over." Hikigaya stood up and placed his bowl on the ground before leaving, his figure disappearing into the darkness of the tent.
But I didn't follow, even though my hand reached out to him, even though my mouth opened to say something, anything to stop him. Instead, I closed it again and I dropped my hand, once again. Just like that first night we had gone out for ramen, I'd once again failed to reach out to him.
Except this time, it was because I had seen his hands, which were trembling, just a little.
~~This is a Line Break~~
My relationship with Hikigaya was more fragile than I had thought it was. Had it always been like that? Hollow words and empty replies? Both of us failing to understand the other?
Had we been trapped like this, with me blind and him accepting?
I had no answer for my own question. All I knew about Hikigaya was all I thought I knew. In the end, I didn't know Hikigaya.
I could only stand by and watch. To watch as both of us were pulled towards the edge, much closer towards the edge than anyone realized.
And yet, we continued to be adventurers. That was the path that we had chosen; that was the way our desires had led us. So we followed that path, and we would follow it to the bitter end.
Afterword: Man, I've wanted to do this for a long time–that is, get inside the heads of other characters. Writing in just Hikigaya's voice is fun and all, but it ain't really as wide of a frame as the actual Danmachi novels provide because you lack that multiple-character perspective which Omori provides. I can tell why most writers tend to stick to just one or two characters, though: It's tough. Like really, really, tough. Each one of them has had their own difficulties, each one of them sounds maybe more than a little similar because it's me writing, so I know exactly what the person they're talking to–Hikigaya–is thinking about at that current moment. Maybe. Even Hikigaya escapes my own eye at times.
Finn: Ugh, Finn. Omori doesn't write in a 1st-person perspective for Finn, even though he does do 3rd-person, so it's hard to capture his essence and his characteristics without being able to see his original thought process. Honestly, Finn is pretty much the Hayama of this world, given his dedication to maintaining his public image. He's able to partake in that monologueistic way of writing and thinking that Hikigaya has, because the way they think is extremely similar to the other.
Aiz: Uggggggh, Aiz. Aiz is supposed to be so much more childish in comparison with other characters, but I probably ended up making her a little more introspective than she probably is in canon. Hopefully I nailed that sweet spot. Who knows? With Death Comes More Death's impression feels spot-on, and I tried my best to draw from source material and them.
Maris: Honestly, out of all the characters, Maris has a special place in my heart. I think that's why it was the hardest to structure their conversation and confrontation, because it's supposed to feel distant, but only because she's realizing it for the first time. Her monologue was difficult, because I needed to bring up the Hikigaya-waking-up-in-the-camp scene from the previous chapter and making it sound… Maris-ish. She's Hikigaya's only close companion he has left, and even though Hikigaya's never really opened up to anyone she's been able to pick up on some of his personality and tendencies. She might be cut from the same cloth as Bell is in regards to foolishness, but like Bell, she is no idiot.
I'mma be really honest here: their voices sound too similar to me, since it feels like I'm writing with the same character voice throughout. I'm personally not too sure whether that holds true for you readers or not, so do let me know how my individual character voices are doing.
Also, recently I was browsing fanfiction recommendations when I came across Evangelion fanfictions, and my brain decided to go and read it, which led me down a rabbit hole of heavy, depressing fanfictions. Like seriously, that fandom has some of the heaviest fics I've ever read. So that's that.
… Which I think is the reason why this chapter feels heavier, unfortunate as that is. Or maybe it's fortunate. Who knows? That's on you guys to decide.
Also, surprise, surprise, I've decided to take some time off from writing to work on restructuring/rewriting some bits of Volume 1(looking more like a large overhaul of major plot points in Volume 1, currently). As of right now when this chapter has been released, Chapter 0-2 have undergone some rewrite changes in order to make things more logical and make some soft retcons so the events fit better into the storyline as a whole. Also so I can try getting that unsavory early-volume first-fic awkwardness taste outta my mouth.
Prologue: I rehashed the introduction, although yall probably shouldn't be too stoked about that, since it's just more directed towards newer readers. I redid the Analysis on Relationships essay to better reflect the Hikigaya which I sent to Orario. The initial monologue was too cynical and it fit the ideals of Volume 1 Hikigaya better than post-Volume 9 Hikigaya, which was the one I wanted to send to Orario.
Chapter 1: Simplified foreword. Starting from after the 'ideal fantasy life' monologue, redid the entire chapter. Hikigaya gets his job in a much better way. Hikigaya gets his goal in a more logical way, sort of.
Chapter 2: Simplified foreword. Rewrote Hikigaya's first Dungeon experience and subsequent events.
Look forward to the second story arc of the series(that is, Volume 1, Chapters 3-4) being rehashed to read better(I hope) along with the next chapter.
Thanks for sticking with me so far, and I hope you continue to stick with me in the future. Leave a like, drop a review, whatevs. Let me know how I'm doing.
Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals. And, of course, Happy New Year(apologies, since there will be no updates). See ya next year.
Oreo the Cookie