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Chapter 2

Inhibitions - Step One

Bella

I wrapped my arm around Edward and pressed myself tightly against him ...

And he started humming ...! He wanted me to sleep. Great. I didn't want to sleep. I wanted him. I wanted to get closer to him. My God, what was the big deal about showering together!? That wasn't sex, after all! He had looked at me as if I was completely crazy. How could anyone be so uptight? After all, he lived with three couples under one roof - and he was a vampire! - And he could read minds! He must have noticed quite a bit there. He was almost a hundred and ten years old - it couldn't have all passed him by. I was only eighteen - and had no clue.

But actually, I didn't really expect him to go for it either. I wasn't sure I really would have either ... I wasn't a vampire. Far from perfection, hardly any bust ... Who knows if he would even like me. Whether he would be disappointed? He hadn't even touched me yet! He was always so … so ... prudish. Why couldn't I just show him ... or tell him what I wanted? He never went for it ... There was no need to put everything off until the wedding night. The whole mountain of ... embarrassment. My God, why was it so hard? Would it be easier to talk about it afterwards? Did everyone worry so much about the first time? Or was I just being extra stupid. Man. I was just as inhibited as he was.

I lay very still, deep in my thoughts, and Edward hummed and played with a strand of my hair, lost in thought.

I wonder what he was thinking. I had to talk to someone. Jessica certainly had no inhibitions. But did I really want to discuss this with her? No! Angela, I could imagine. But would I manage to get it out of her, or rather out of me first?! Doubt it. My mother would have been an option - but also not on the phone - and certainly not after tonight.

Anger bubbled up inside me again.

What did she also have to drum into me my whole life, how absurd and irresponsible it was to enter into a committed relationship so young or even to get married, let alone have a child. At least I didn't have to worry about that. Now even having to go to the gynecologist that would have been just what I needed. Once and never again. Very irresponsible - I know - but I wasn't planning to get pregnant or get cervical cancer, but to become a vampire - so at least I was spared semi-annual embarrassing visits to the gynecologist. Another absolute advantage! But until then I had another huge step ahead of me. Sex with Edward ... Which just seemed to me a hundred times more difficult than being turned.

I sighed in frustration and shook my head.

Alice ... maybe?

"What's wrong?", Edward asked surprised.

"Oh nothing."

I let my probably highly reddened head sink back onto his chest and tried to relax.

Alice certainly had a full program again tomorrow. Maybe I found an opportunity ... But was it the same with vampires at all?

"What are you thinking about?"

His curiosity could not be restrained.

If only he were so easily lured in other respects as well ... He would not give up.

"I thought about what if my mother hadn't drilled all this garbage into me ..."

Silence.

"And what conclusion did you come to?"

"You don't want to know that."

"Of course I want to know what you think, Bella!"

I straightened up a bit to be able to look him in the eye.

"Okay. You don't want it any other way. If I didn't have this phobia of getting married, maybe we would have been married by now and had all this behind us. And could make love right now like any normal couple would."

"Oh ...!"

He let his head sink back and closed his eyes.

I thought so. "Is that all you have to say about it?"

"Oh, Bella. We are not a normal couple. I'm not a normal man ..."

Sighing, I let myself sink down next to him on his arm.

"I know ... that it's hard for you ..."

He propped himself up on his elbow and gently stroked my cheek.

"I'm sorry, my angel. I just have such a hard time judging myself in that regard. This is all so new to me ... All these ... human feelings you awaken in me ..."

Wow ... I had not expected that. He finally talked about it. He was so touchingly honest that I stroked over his hand encouragingly.

"... I can't handle it ..." He hid his face against the crook of my neck. "I'm just scared."

Of course, I was scared too - but maybe that wasn't such a good idea to tell him now.

"... What if I lose control...?"

"Shh ..." I stroked over his hair. "You're not going to hurt me, Edward. You're not going to bite me."

"No, I don't think so either ..."

He sank back into the pillows and curled his fingers into his hair.

"What then?"

"Bella ... I just need to grab you a little too hard and I'll break a bone! ... Or I'll do something wrong ..."

It sounded like there was more. But I just had to interrupt him.

"Edward, you don't really think you could."

He shook his head.

"I just don't know."

I crawled up to him and kissed him softly on the cheek.

"No need to despair, you are not alone. I want to help you and then we can do it together. I mean, that's exactly why we shouldn't put everything off, but take it all slowly. Step by step. That way you can get used to it and better assess and control yourself."

"Hmm ... and you! You really need to learn to hold back a bit! ... But that doesn't sound so wrong. Can ..."

I started up.

"Yes?! Was that an okay?"

He suppressed a laugh that made the bed vibrate under us. He put a finger to his lips, gestured toward the door, and then nodded.

"Actually, I wan ..."

I kissed him stormily.

He was still smirking and murmuring against my lips.

"What was that about 'going slow' again?"

I detached myself from him.

"Okay. Sorry."

Curbing my euphoria, I brushed a strand behind my ear and let my gaze roam over him. I thought about it and then got stuck on his grin, which stretched across his whole face.

"What?"

"You look like you're studying an imaginary instruction manual right now."

It was visibly difficult for him not to laugh out loud.

I gave him a slap on the chest.

"Idiot! Then you make a suggestion."

He cleared his throat.

"Well, actually, what I was going to say earlier was, I can think about it ..." He pulled the right corner of his mouth down when he saw my disbelieving eyes. "But I'm sure you already have a plan," he said, kissing me briefly on the mouth in a conciliatory manner. "I am helplessly at your mercy," he chortled.

I raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah, sure! As you wish. Then stay like that and don't move. After all that shouldn't be difficult for you as a vampire."

"Wait - what are you going to do?"

"I'm a good girl! Don't panic. You can always say if it's too much for you! Lie down and enjoy ... and control yourself!", I added with a chuckle.

He still grumbled something unintelligible, but lay down on the pillow and closed his eyes.

Very gently I kissed along his full lips over his chin and down his neck. Then I laid my head on his shoulder, snuggled up to him and closed my eyes to concentrate on my hand.

I lifted it to his face and stroked his contours. Along his hairline to his jawbone and chin. Over his eyebrows, his cheekbones and nose. As I explored his sweeping lips, he kissed my fingers.

I had to smile.

I slid down his neck to his shirt collar and started undoing one button at a time.

Arriving at the waistband, I noticed how he stopped breathing. Slowly I pulled his shirt out of his pants and already expected to be stopped.

But he lay very still.

I brought my hand back to his neckline and ran it along his collarbone under his shirt to his shoulder.

He began to breathe evenly again.

Slowly I explored every inch of his skin, running along the muscles of his chest.

"So, how does it feel?", I asked quietly.

"Hmm ..." he growled. "Very good!"

Encouraged, I ventured into deeper territory.

His skin was cold - but not at all unpleasant. My hand burned with excitement. How could something so hard as stone feel so tender and soft?

I felt his navel and his breath caught.

The closer my hand came to the waistband, the more he stiffened.

Excited, I started to drive along the edge, but I didn't get far.

He took my hand and put it determinedly on his chest.

Smirking, I accepted his intervention and pressed my lips apologetically against his neck.

He surprised me when he let go of my hand again. So I continued to caress his upper body extensively.

Only once he twitched when I grazed his nipple. Understood. I gave it a wide berth. It felt so good that I wanted to go on all night, but I noticed how my fatigue spread ...

While I crawled his chest with pleasure, I drifted contentedly further and further into the darkness.

Thank you for reading!