Chapter 24
Uijeongbu Korea; May 4th, 1952
"What's it look like out there Padre?" Colonel Potter asked, from his place at the furthest table in O.R. "Much of a line waiting to get in?"
"Just a few Colonel." The Father replied, "Business wasn't particularly brisk today. Thank the Lord."
"It's this location." Hawkeye quipped, "I told you we needed a better corner!"
"Apparently it was just a minor skirmish." The Father said.
"Funny they don't look skirmish." Hawkeye continued, "I didn't even know Skirma was in the war, did you Beej?"
"I'll need some more retraction here Margaret." B.J. said, ignoring him, he'd been in a funk all day.
"Father, could you help us here?" She asked, "I requisitioned more nurses,but we don't have them yet."
"If you're sending out for nurses, order me one with everything to go." Hawkeye said.
"I'd rather send out for a new company clerk." Margaret grumbled, "That clown is the reason we don't have nurses…"
Ellie Marie bristled defensively.
"Easy tiger…." Hawkeye said quietly, beside her.
"Now Major…Klinger isn't making my life a bed of petunias either, but we need to be a little patient." Colonel Potter said.
"I agree with Major Houlihan." Charles interjected, "there must be at least a dozen candidates who could handle the job better than Klinger. One springs to mind immediately….my pet mastiff Bessie."
"Hey Charles. How about you shut your blowhole before I come over there and clamp it shut!" Ellie Marie snapped.
"Captain Lennox!" Major Houlihan chastised , "that is an entirely unprofessional way to speak to a surgeon and a superior officer! I'm putting you on report!"
"Lay off Margaret! He just called the man she loves one step below a dog. She's supposed to take that lying down?" Hawkeye retorted.
"We are simply expressing our frustration at the abominable job Klinger is doing as company clerk. Even she can't defend that." Margaret said.
"Like hell I can't." Ellie Marie said angrily, "you people expect him to walk in and pick up exactly where Radar left off. You've been spoiled by how many things Radar did for you without a second thought, and you aren't giving Max a single iota of grace when it comes to the learning curve involved in doing Radar's job. Yes Major he lost your requisition form, do you know how many invoices, requisitions, and inventory releases were on his desk by noon today? Twenty! And that's on top of the reports he has to file, the calls he has to make, mail call, taking minutes in meetings, daily logs from Post. Op, the lab, not to mention O.R. and triage when we have casualties and the camp schedule. He's doing the best he can! It's only been a damned week! He's not Radar, so if you have to check in with him once or twice to make sure something you asked him to do gets done, because he's trying to juggle twenty spinning plates at once, get over yourself and do it! And if he happens to drop a plate every once in a while during the learning process, could all of you please give him a little grace and just GET OFF HIS DAMNED BACK ABOUT IT!"
There was a silence following her words, broken only when Father Mulcahy began to applaud.
"Here here Captain!" He said, enthusiastically.
"Hey, can you be my girlfriend?" Hawkeye muttered, shooting her a wink, "I want somebody who'll throw down for me like that."
"Nope, you gotta find your own." She shot back.
"Ellie….as usual, you're right." Colonel Potter said, "In truth we know he's doing his best, we've just gotten used to the way Radar handled things. Adjustments take time."
"Oh hey! We heard from Radar." Hawkeye said, "Or about him anyway. Peg Hunnicutt saw him in San Francisco. What did she say in her letter Beej?"
"Uh, nothing really."
"She met the boy's plane?" Colonel Potter asked, "How was he feeling? How'd he look? What'd she say?"
"He got to San Francisco. He saw my wife and kid for a couple hours." B.J. said tersely.
"That's it?" Colonel Potter asked.
"Boy Beej….you really know how to tell a story." Hawkeye said.
"What's to tell? No big deal." B.J. replied.
"How do you like this?" Hawkeye said, "I give the kid the spotlight. I give him a chance to be a big star in show business, and look what happens. I wouldn't be surprised if even the patients walked out on you!"
"3.0 silk Margaret." B.J. said.
"Now that's more like it…." Hawkeye muttered, as the corpsman took their patient out to Post Op.
"Doc this one just came in! He looks bad!" Another corpsman called from the other end of the room.
"Alright let's get to work…" Hawkeye said, "This kid's lucky. If he'd got here any later I'd have had to start without him."
———-
"I'm telling ya G…I'm starting to sympathize with those mailmen who go nutso and start wacking people." Klinger said, rubbing his eyes tiredly.
Ellie Marie got up from where she was sitting on what was now his bed, and walked over to the desk. She put her hands on his shoulders and began to massage out all the tension knots. He leaned his head back and sighed.
"You keep doing that you're gonna get me even more behind on my work, cuz you're making me think all kinds of thoughts." He said with a small smile. She leaned down and kissed him and then moved to lean against the desk next to him.
"Rough day huh?"
"Rough day? Pfff….try rough every single second since Radar left." He said glumly, "I feel like all I do is fill out paperwork and then when I turn around there's another pile bigger than the one I just finished, and someone is always yelling at me! Just today I've been called the company cluck, a lower form of plant life, and oaf, a soggy bowl of Rice Krispies, crude and unrefined, unappreciated, unwelcome and a one legged man in a butt kicking contest, that last one was Colonel Potter special. And that was from the people I was actually trying to do a good job for!"
"Oh love…I'm sorry." Ellie Marie said. He grabbed her hand and pulled her into his lap, and she leaned her head over to rest it on top of his.
"What can I do to help?" She asked.
"Help yourself and find a guy who isn't such a pathetic failure….." he murmured.
She grabbed him by the chin and tilted his head up giving him a long hard kiss.
"Shut up." She said when she let him go. He sighed again and rested his head against her shoulder.
"So what's the hardest part of figuring this all out?" She asked him, pointing at the papers all over his desk.
"Keeping it all straight!" He said immediately, "I have no clue how Radar has room in his brain for all this crap, but my dumb little brain just can't sort it out."
"Ok first of all, if you say one more negative thing about yourself I'm going to slap you!" She said.
"Promise?" He shot back with a mischievous smirk. She rolled her eyes.
"Second." She said pointedly, "Radar kept it all straight because he had a system! That's all you need!" She grabbed his notepad from the desk and the pencil from behind his ear. "What are the things you know you have to stay on top of every day?"
"The daily reports to I-Corps, the daily schedule, updating the bulletin board. And then anything else anybody shows up with."
"Ok, we'll start there." She said, writing quickly, "now what kind of things do people ask you for most?"
"Requisition forms, supply lists, memos and updates, and then whatever Colonel Potter might need through the day too." He replied.
"Alright," she said, she hopped up and went over to the filing cabinet to pull out several empty file folders.
"Here's how we're going to do this. You need to actually use your ingoing and outgoing tray ok?" She cleared the clutter out of the tray on his desk. "People put things here. When you have them done, they go here." She pointed to the top and bottom of the rack. "You also need to use your filing cabinet." She wrote, requisition forms, on the top of one file, and reports on the top of another.
"And the only way you're going to stay on top of this is if you keep a schedule so you know what you're doing when. Look, I made you a basic one to start with, you don't have to follow it, you can make your own however you want. I just thought it'd be a good reference." He took the paper from her and began to read.
"0800 check in with Colonel Potter to get any tasks for the day. 0830 fill out daily reports, 0930 change bulletin boards and post daily schedule, 1000 catch up on any work from previous day, 1100 start work on tasks from the Colonel……G, this is amazing!" He said.
"I even added some miscellaneous time and 1300 hours and 1600 hours in case something comes up and you have to move things around in your schedule." She pointed out, "you probably won't need to be so strict about it once you get into the flow of the job, but for now it should keep you straight." He stood up and cupped her face in his hands and kissed her.
"You're the best baby." He said, "Thank you so much. You got no idea what it means to me. I'm gonna tape it up right here next to my desk. So if Major Blowhard or Madam Screwloose come in here screeching at me about whatever they want done I'll just tell them, 'Sorry Major, I work on requisition forms at'" he checked the schedule quickly, "1500 hours!" She laughed.
"That's right you do!" She said, "but…..you may wanna rewrite that list before you put it up on your desk."
"Why's that?"
"Check what I added at 22:30" She said. He looked down at the paper and then back up at her with wide amused eyes.
"Captain Lennox…." He teased, "that is not an Army sanctioned activity."
"Well….that one was mostly just for you." She said with a wink.
"You know I can't help but notice. It's currently 22:25." Klinger said with a sly smile.
"Is it?" She said innocently, "Well Corporal…if you're really serious about this job I think it's best you stick with that schedule to the letter."
He grinned at her and grabbed her hand pulling her towards the supply closet.
—--
"Time for the changing of the guard." Charles said as he walked through the Post Op doors, "Pierce, I'm here to relieve you. I'm sure the patients will be quite relieved as well."
"Ugh, you didn't tell me I was gonna get stuck with him for the rest of the night." Ellie Marie grumbled.
"Try and play nice Captain." Hawkeye replied, "remember there was a time not too long ago that you would have been counted as one of the few friend adjacent people he had in this camp."
"Please…do not remind me." She said flatly, "I'm adding it to a long list of things related to Charles Emerson Winchester I wish I could erase."
"Whatever that means…" Hawkeye said, "Anyway just promise he'll leave here with all the bones he came in with, and that they'll still be in the right places."
"I'll make a concerted effort. That's the best you're getting." She said.
"I'll take it." He said quietly as Charles walked up to them.
"Anything in particular I should know?" Charles asked.
"Just Anderson." Hawkeye said, referring to their final patient of the night, "He's lost a lot of blood, but he's stable now. Ellie's gonna keep an eye on him. Let me know if there's any issues. I'll be in conference with my pillow."
"Only if you can avoid your bunkmate Hunnicutt. Last seen awash in a sea of that homemade swill of yours." Charles replied.
"Very boring Charles…" Hawkeye said yawning, "I've seen B.J. drink before."
"Pierce." Charles said, placing a hand on his arm and looking at him somberly, "not like this. If I were his liver I would sue for separate maintenance."
"In that case I'll try to fall asleep before I get there." Hawkeye mumbled, "Nighty night." He walked to the end of the ward and out the door.
"Captain Lennox. What was the hemoglobin count on Private Anderson at last check?" Charles asked.
"7 Doctor." She said curtly without looking up from her paperwork.
"And is that an improvement from when he was brought in."
"Yes Doctor."
"By how much?"
"His chart is right by your elbow Dr. Winchester. It should have any information you need."
"Ellie, is this really how you want to spend the remainder of our evening? We could at least be civil." Charles said sharply. She looked up at him.
"Charles, I don't know you well enough to know if you've ever been truly in love, but I'll go ahead and explain this to you once so try to listen. I am very much in love with Max Klinger, he is my best friend and my partner, and once we get out of this crazy nightmare I have every intention of making him my husband. We.are.a.team. Therefore every name you hurl at him, every time you degrade and disrespect his intelligence, his competency, his morality, and whatever else you decide to attack on any given day, you do the same to me. So I will sit at this desk, I will answer any question that you might have for me on the level of two medical professionals and I will do my job, but no Charles, we will not be civil or anything else on a personal level until you show the man I've chosen to spend my life with the same level of respect you give me. Is that clear enough for you?"
"Crystal." He said flatly.
"Perfect." She said.
They were achieving their agreed upon indifferent coexistence quite well until the doors of the Post Op banged open ten minutes later and Hawkeye came in clutching a rag to his bloody nose."
"Hawk what happened?" She asked, jumping up.
"I took a ride on the San Francisco hurt trolley." He said.
"What?"
"B.J. punched me."
"B.J. punched you??" Ellie Marie said in disbelief.
"I did warn you about his level of inebriation…" Charles said.
"Yes but what you failed to warn me about Sir Smugs-a-lot was his deteriorating emotional state." Hawkeye shot back.
"I'd assumed that went without saying, after his behavior in O.R. today." Charles replied.
"Can you just come over here and check to see if it's broken?" Hawkeye snapped.
"Fine…." He came over and tilted Hawkeyes head back, "Pierce… I can't tell you how sorry I am that this happened."
"Thank you Charles." Hawkeye said.
"Without my being there to see it." Charles finished, chuckling to himself, "Hunnicutt was probably aiming for your mouth but it was, per usual, moving too fast."
"Ow!" Hawkeye said, pulling away from him.
"Oh relax. "You're fine," Charles said dismissively, "and next time you two Neanderthals determine to brawl, please kindly do it someplace I don't have to live!" He turned and walked back down the row of patients.
"Still want me to leave all his bones intact?" Ellie Marie muttered.
"I'll get the traction." Hawkeye replied.
"Hey folks has anybody—What in the sweet Fanny Adams happened to you??"
The Colonel and Margaret had walked in from the office.
"You're hurt!" Margaret said, moving quickly to look at Hawkeye's nose.
"Did that still finally blow up in your face?" The Colonel asked.
"Actually the still didn't do this. Hunnicutt did." Hawkeye replied.
"Hunnicuttt did that?" The Colonel said incredulously.
"Yeah….and if you think this is bad you should see what he did to the Swamp." Hawkeye said. "He punched out two of his favorite roommates, me and the still."
"I'm puzzled by his behavior," Charles said, walking back to the group, "although I do admire his judgment. What on earth made him do it?"
"It was that letter from Peg about Radar." Hawkeye said, "it really got to him."
"Any idea where he went, Pierce?" The Colonel asked.
"Uh no….he just waved goodbye with his knuckles and left." Hawkeye said.
"Has everybody around here gone dingus?" The Colonel muttered, "Margaret and I came in here looking for Klinger, but he's missing too."
"What?" Ellie Marie said, standing up quickly, "what do you mean he's missing? He was in there an hour ago when I came on duty!"
"Well he's not there now." The Colonel said, "Winchester you didn't happen to see him on your way up here when you started your shift did you?"
"Colonel I have neither seen him or missed him." Charles said flatly, and Ellie Marie whipped around already cocking her hand back.
"Easy Gunga din…." Hawkeye said, slipping an arm around her waist and pulling her back while she glared daggers at Charles.
"Enough!" The Colonel snapped, "we've got two men missing! And we don't have time for this! Right….We'd better split up. Margaret, you and Winchester check the officers club and this end of camp. I'll take the great John L. and Lady Joe Louis with me."
Suddenly Private Anderson gave a long shuddering breath. Ellie Marie ran over to him and checked his vitals.
"Hawk, his blood pressure's dropping. I think he's going into shock!" She said.
"You'd better go find them without us. We just acquired a previous engagement." Hawkeye said.
"Colonel…" Ellie Marie said, as they started prepping Anderson. The Colonel reached out and squeezed her hand.
"I know Ellie. Don't worry we'll find them. I'm sure they're just holed up somewhere getting drunker than a skunk."
"You make sure you bring him back in one piece." She said, "I want first crack at him." The Colonel chuckled.
"Yes Ma'am." He said.
"I resent the use of ranking personnel to go find some—" Charles began angrily.
"Winchester, do you want her to slug you?" Colonel Potter asked, "cuz I'm running out of ways and reasons to stop her!"
——-
As Colonel Potter made his way back across the compound he looked up just in time as he almost ran headlong into Father Mulcahy.
"Heads up Father!" He said lightly.
"Ah Colonel! Good evening. Oh my, I hope you don't mind me saying sir, but you seem troubled. Is everything alright?"
"That remains to be seen. You wouldn't happen to have seen Hunnicutt and Klinger would you?"
"Sorry no."
"I was afraid of that. Both of them are missing."
"Oh dear. Missing you say? You mean AWOL?"
"We're not calling it that just yet, Padre. Hunnicutt's tied one on over that letter from the missus. Klinger's problem is anybody's guess."
"Really Colonel? You don't think you may have some idea of what might be bothering Corporal Klinger?"
"Message received Father….. I know I've been hard on him, but the boy doesn't know a letter opener from a latrine!"
"Colonel, might I offer another perspective?" The Father asked.
"Offer away." The Colonel said, they walked the little ways to the tables outside the mess tent and sat down.
"I take it Klinger leaves a little something to be desired as a company clerk." Father Mulcahy said.
"Klinger leaves everything to be desired as a company clerk." Colonel Potter corrected.
"Well… we had a fellow here a while back, before you arrived, who was much worse." Father Mulcahy said.
"Worse than Klinger?" The Colonel asked in disbelief, "Father you wouldn't lie to a Presbyterian would you?"
"No believe me this lad was quite a bozo." The Father said chuckling, "He couldn't do anything right. Drove everybody crazy with questions. You should have seen him patch through a call, looked like hand to hand combat. Folks here were convinced the enemy had sent him to sabotage the unit."
"Yeah? So whatever happened to this rube?"
"Well as time went by, your late predecessor Colonel Blake, rest his soul, took him under his wing and sort of helped him grow into the job." The Father said, giving the Colonel a small smile.
"You suckered me Padre…." The Colonel said, shaking his head, "You're talkin' about Radar."
"The very same bozo." Father Mulcahy confirmed, "see when you arrived, you got the broken in model. But my my his first few months were harrowing indeed. Now at the risk of interfering Colonel, don't you think Corporal Klinger deserves the same consideration?"
"You and Captain Lennox been swapping notes?" The Colonel asked, and Father Mulcahy simply laughed.
"She is a uniquely beautiful soul in the fierce way she loves isn't she?" He said, "I don't even want to imagine how much lower Klinger would be right now if he didn't have her unwavering devotion in the midst of all of this."
"He's a lucky man to be sure." The Colonel agreed, "but you're right Padre, Klinger has been through a lot with us and Ellie Marie isn't the only one that owes him some devotion." He sighed, "I tell you what, it's not going to be easy being patient with a company clerk who so far can't tell a hippo from a foot locker."
"As long as you make the effort," The Father said kindly.
Margaret and Charles walked across the compound towards them.
"Any news?" The Colonel asked. "You see either of them?"
"No, but we have been regaled with their glorious exploits." Charles said, "Uh, they are together, and sparing you the sordid details, they are setting new standards for inebriate behavior. Additionally, we may be teetering on the brink of war with the Marines."
"Colonel…I think it's time to call the military police." Margaret said.
"I think so too." The Colonel said, "let's go to my Office and get them on the horn."
The Colonel and the Major walked up the hill together and into the main office.
"I'm willing to ask the M.P.s for help Margaret but I want to hold off marking them AWOL as long as possible. They're both going through it right now and I don't want to pile on if I can help it."
"I understand sir." Margaret agreed.
Colonel Potter picked up the phone and was about to dial when a loud whooping cheer came from inside his darkened office. He stopped and looked at the Major.
"Did you just hear that?" He asked.
"I did sir."
"Oh… I swear if we tore this camp apart and those two dunderheads…."
"Howdy stranger!! Do you have an appointment!" B.J. called jovially from his spot atop Colonel Potter's saddle as they opened the door.
"He probably does….." Klinger grumbled from the desk behind him, "but I bet his stupid" *hiccup* "company c'erk screwed it up."
"What a pair of pathetic sots…" Margaret muttered.
"Would that be a pair of argyle sots?" B.J. said, and they both collapsed into giggles.
"Go tell Pierce and Ellie Marie we found them." Colonel Potter said to Margaret.
"Yes sir."
"You know you boys had us turning South Korea upside down looking for you."
"How'd you find us, Colonel?" B.J. asked.
"Easy. We just followed the trail of empty bottles."
They both devolved into laughter again.
"Wait, don't laugh, I think I'm in big trouble." Klinger said, still chuckling as he hopped if the desk
"Oh don't worry. You both are." Colonel Potter responded, "I don't mind telling you I was damned worried. Now Klinger, get your butt out here."
"Oh god B.J." Klinger grabbed B.Js arm, "he's gonna beat me up." They continued to giggle.
"Now Corporal."
"Yes sir." Klinger said, "So long pal. nice getting bagged with you."
"Klinger." B.J. saluted him, "Uh Colonel." He added, "don't hit him in the nose. He's got a snootfull."
Klinger followed the Colonel somewhat sheepishly back out into his own office.
"Park it in the chair Corporal." Colonel Potter said.
"It's not plugged in is it?" Klinger asked.
"Klinger, let's clear the air. I think we both realize, you're no Radar."
"So they keep telling me." Klinger said heavily.
"But by the same token, Radar is no Max Klinger."
"I don't follow you sir."
"Folks around here were awfully fond of Henry Blake when he ran this fort weren't they?"
"Well sure," Klinger said, "the colonel was a top-notch kinda guy."
"You bet he was," Colonel Potter agreed, "and believe me my first days in his shadow were a mite uneasy. Nobody was jumping for joy over me. I was no Henry Blake. Never tried to be. Didn't mean I was better or worse. Just different. The thing is, people gave me a chance to get comfortable and make the job Sherman Potter's. I guess maybe I forgot that when you took over for Radar. What I'm trying to tell you is that you need time to take this job and make it Max Klinger's."
"You sound like Ellie…" Klinger muttered quietly, "She spent over an hour earlier telling me I could figure this thing out, that I just needed to believe in myself…"
"So just do it!" The Colonel agreed, "And if you need some help, if you have a question. Just knock on my door, I'm always here, or ask that wonderful woman who for reasons unbeknownst to God or any of us, absolutely adores the stuffing out of you! Are we clear Max?"
"Crystal clear sir."
"Alright then. As of right now, Radar's office is closed. Max Klinger's is open."
"Thank you Sir… and at the risk of ruining this lovely moment we have going on. Are you really not gonna yell at me for breaking into your booze cabinet?" Klinger asked.
"No, Corporal I'm not. Would you like to know why?"
"Why do I get the feeling my answer should be no?"
"I'm not going to yell at you, because I made a promise. A promise that I would leave your reckoning for this little night of debauchery and worry that you put us through, up to someone a little closer to home."
"Oh no….sir just hit me please!" Klinger begged.
"MAXWELL QADIR KLINGER!" The scrub room doors slammed open and Ellie Marie was standing in them, her anger radiating off of her.
"And that's my cue to hit the hay." The Colonel said, "Goodnight all. Pierce, your package is gift wrapped in my office."
"Thanks Colonel." Hawkeye said, walking past them and through the doors.
Klinger turned to her with a look so petulant and guilty that she almost might have smiled if she wasn't so furious.
"I'm guessing you're mad." He said.
"Mad?" She said quietly now, "Mad? No Max. When you took off with Father Mulcahy in a jeep without telling me seven months ago I was mad. When you run off on a bender with B.J. with no warning and give no goddamn reason? You're going to wish I was mad!"
"We didn't even leave the compound!" Klinger said defensively.
"You think that matters!" Ellie Marie shouted back, "you honestly think the fact that you were just boozing it up in the Colonel's office makes this ok? I just spent the last hour and half in surgery half out of my mind with worry that you were dead in a ditch somewhere because you two potentially decided to go off on a drunken joyride! Or wandered into the damn minefield because you were too drunk to watch where you were going!"
"I get that baby…."
"Don't you 'baby' me right now Maxwell." She snapped, running her hands through her hair, "I'm not doing this Max. If this is going to be how it is….you running off and getting drunk every time you have a problem….I won't do it. Do you understand me?"
"Hey…" He said, getting up and walking towards her. He reached out but she took a step back.
"G….look at me." He said, she looked up reluctantly, "I'm so sorry that I just took off like that, but it's not gonna be a habit. That's not me, you know that. I just got so twisted up about this whole clerk thing. But I swear I never meant to worry you or leave you in the dark. I'll make it up to you I promise. I won't drink anymore, period. Or at least I won't unless you're around. Either way, I'll do whatever you want. Just tell me how to make it right."
She sighed and put a hand on his chest.
"I don't think we have to get that extreme. You just need to remember you're part of a team now Mister, what you do affects me too."
"I know baby. I'm so sorry." He said again.
"I suppose you're forgiven." She said, and she leaned in to kiss him but then wrinkled her nose. "Ugh, Max you reek. How much did you actually drink?"
"I lost count right around the time I remember thinking…. wow I think this is the drunkest I've ever been." He said dully.
"Ok Corporal, let's get you to bed."
"Oh yeah? He smirked.
"I forgave you, but do NOT push your luck right now Toledo." She said, with a pointed look.
She helped him to his cot and took off his shoes. She pulled back the blankets and tucked him in, sitting down beside him.
"So you wanna tell me what changed so quickly?" She asked, gently brushing his hair from his forehead, "because when I left you around eleven you seemed in a much more positive place about everything."
"I was." He said, "Thanks to you. Then I realized….I lost the schedule you made me. I couldn't even hold onto it for a lousy hour! And the more I thought about it the angrier I got! And I started thinking maybe Majors Winchester and Houlihan have a point about me, and that I'm never going to be able to take care of this camp the way Radar did. And that made me start to think, if I can't even be a good company clerk, how the hell am I gonna be a good husband and father, and take care of you and our kids? Then B.J. showed up and asked if I wanted to go get drunk….and you know the rest."
Ellie Marie leaned down and kissed his forehead.
"There's not much else I can say to convince you that I've never once worried about your ability to be a good husband and father. I just hope in time you can see yourself the way I do. As far as the list? of course you lost it! Sweetheart, look at the state of your desk! I'm gonna come in tomorrow morning and we're going to sort that thing out once and for all, and finally, as far as the Majors, and anyone else that wants to talk down to you is concerned for that matter, they're dead wrong, in every way, and I think it's high time we had a talk about it."
"Thanks gorgeous…." Klinger said sleepily, putting a hand on the side of her face. B.J. and Hawkeye emerged from the office.
"He ok?" She asked Hawkeye.
"He will be." Hawkeye replied, taking him through the office door.
"So what's going on there?" She asked Klinger as they left.
"Erin called Radar, 'Daddy' when she saw him." Klinger said, "First time she ever said it."
"Oh God…oh, poor B.J." Ellie Marie said sadly, "I can't even imagine how bad that must hurt."
"I know." Klinger said, "We kinda take for granted that things will just be waiting for us when we get back, you know? But she's growing so fast, and he's missing it."
"I hope Hawkeye can comfort him."
"He'll be ok." Klinger said, "it's not something anybody can fix. But we'll get him through it."
"Let's just refrain from helping the way you did tonight in the future ok?"
Klinger smiled and slowly closed his eyes.
"You got it baby." He said, before drifting off to sleep.
—--
The next morning around 9 o'clock Ellie Marie made her way over to the Swamp. She knocked once and then entered without being invited. Hawkeye was standing over a small basin of water brushing his teeth, Charles was lying on his cot reading and all she could make out of B.J. was an amorphous lump of blankets and pillows.
"Heads up. Meeting in Potter's tent in ten minutes." She said. B.J. groaned.
"You're exempt, Hunnicutt." She added.
"Excuse me? Since when does Colonel Potter allow for one's own stupidity to give them a pass from staff meetings? I seem to remember having to operate for almost eight hours when I was in a similar condition not too long ago." Charles said.
"Charles the Colonel didn't call this meeting. I did." Ellie Marie said, "it is happening in his tent because I didn't want to disturb his down for the count company clerk, and B.J. is exempt because I know he's dealing with a lot, and apart from coercing the love of my life into a night of debauchery, which I'll thank him not to repeat." A hand with a thumbs up rose from the pile of blankets, "I don't have much beef with him right now."
"So you expect me to come sit in Colonel Potter's tent to listen to you air all your grievances against us for how we've treated your precious little Max?" Charles said dryly, "Thank you, but no."
"Charles…." Ellie Marie said, "if you do not get your butt into that tent in ten minutes time I highly suggest you invest in round the clock security on this tent because the minute you leave your things unguarded I will take your Vagner and you Motzart collections and I will give them to the M.P.s for target practice!
"You wouldn't dare." He growled.
"Try me." She said back just as viciously.
Ten minutes later Ellie Marie was in the Colonel's tent with every one of the people she'd ask to come, along with Father Mulcahy and a very bedraggled looking B.J.
"I thought I told you that you didn't have to be here." She said.
"Yeah but if these two are going to get a dressing down I wanna watch." He said, indicating to Charles and Hawkeye
"Alright, but be prepared to catch a little residual heat yourself." She warned.
"If I've earned it, fine by me." He said.
"I for one think it is ludicrous that we are even–" Charles began, but Ellie Marie picked up the Colonel's riding crop off the desk and pointed it at him.
"New rules Charles." She said, "this is the talking stick. Only the person holding the talking stick is allowed to talk. If you choose to talk when you are not in possession of the stick. I will hit you with said stick. Clear?"
Charles looked scandalized but he had the good sense to simply nod. Colonel Potter on the other hand crossed his arms and suppressed a chuckle.
"Alright. We're going to have a little discussion about Maxwell Q. Klinger. It's no secret that I think the way you guys have treated him over the past week stinks, but it goes deeper than that. You all have a pattern of systematically disrespecting and disregarding him, and that stops today! So let's go down the list of things we're not going to do anymore moving forward. First on the list, we're not going to insult his intelligence or say anything when we're frustrated that implies that he is stupid. Understood?" Both Charles and Margaret gave slight eye rolls.
"Charles you speak French correct?" Ellie Marie asked him, he jumped slightly but then nodded. "Wouldn't you consider yourself fluent?" He looked at her and then pointed to his mouth with a question expression.
"Yes. You may speak." She said.
"I wouldn't put myself up against a Native Parisian but yes I've been speaking French and traveling in France since I was a child."
"So then picture this. We'll toss you into a French foreign legion unit, and you'll have to assimilate seamlessly, learn all their customs do things their way, and obviously exclusively speak French, and don't worry if you happen to mix up the spelling of two words, or conjugate something wrong they'll be sure to tell you what an idiot you are. Oh and never bring up Boston, none of them care where you're from, or what your culture is like you bourjois American. Sound like fun?"
"Point made." Charles said.
"I'm just getting started." She shot back.
"But Ellie, Klinger is American." Hawkeye pointed out.
"He's Lebanese American. A distinction none of you have ever cared to understand!" She retorted, "he has an entire rich culture and heritage that is beautiful by the way, and all of you have done nothing but dismiss it. He didn't even try to make a dish for the Christmas party because he said none of you have ever given anything he's tried to share with you the time of day. Did any of you know that when he started the first grade he didn't speak a word of English? He learned how to read and write in two different languages at the same time! He spent his entire childhood having to translate the world for his parents! How many of you have ever had to do something like that? And you snicker behind his back when he mixes up their and they're or says 'do good' instead of 'do well'. I wish you could hear how well spoken he is in Arabic, and he happens to be pretty damn well spoken in English too! By the way, he can do math in his head as well and I'm not just talking simple stuff. I've watched him calculate the odds and statistics when he's betting on races and as a bookie faster than I could dream of doing it, but that kind of math isn't impressive to people like you. And that's the real truth isn't it? Max isn't the right kind of smart for you, he's not the right kind of cultured. Could any of you even name me one Arabic poet, or musician? Doubtful. If people don't fit into your pretty little boxes you don't view them as worthy of your respect. You poke fun at his lack of morals because he makes shady deals, and is always looking for a con, but it sure as hell doesn't seem to bother you when it gets you what you want. And who the hell are you to pass judgment anyway? By my count we have a philanderer, a profiter, and an opportunist right here." She nodded to Hawkeye, Charles, and then Margaret in turn, " but all that is fine because you do it from your ivory towers. And by the way, if you're wondering if I care what you have to say about all this. I don't. You can agree or disagree with me. I don't give a damn, but going forward you will not put Max down, or call him names or disrespect him anymore, or even say backhanded things in jest that insinuate he's beneath you." She gave B.J. and Hawkeye a pointed look, "If you do it in my presence I will tell you to leave, and come back when you're ready to be more respectful. Understood?" She looked around at all the somber faces, they all nodded.
"Good." She said, "Now that we talked about what we're not going to do. We can talk about what we are going to do. Myself included. We are going to give Max a chance to settle into his new job without beating him down about it. I know it's been rough, I'm not blind. As soon as we're done here I'm going over there to help him clean that disaster of a desk, make his own filing system, and get him on a daily schedule so he can stay on top of things. He can be a good clerk, there are ways in which he might even be better than Radar if you just give him a chance. Can we at least try. Please?"
Hawkeye held out his hand to her, and she placed the riding crop in it.
"I think I speak for all of us when I say…thank you future Mrs. Max Kilnger, for holding up a mirror to something we all needed to see. It definitely wasn't pretty, but it was honest. And we'll do better." Margaret took the stick from him.
"You're right Ellie. About the way we see him. I guess with the dresses and everything for so long, he acted like such a joke we just began to default to treating him like one, but he's a man with feelings and we need to remember that." Ellie took the stick back.
"I might also point out that despite the horrendous things you've called him and the way you've treated him, he went out drinking last night because of how bad he felt about letting you all down."
"That's true." B.J. interjected, "Oops, sorry I don't have the stick."
"I think we're past the stick." She said with a smile.
"For what it's worth Ellie, the Padre gave me a similar dressing down last night." Colonel Potter said, "and I hashed it out with Klinger when we found him. I'm on your team Captain. We're going to help him get to where he needs to be."
"We all will." Hawkeye added.
"Thank you all." Ellie Marie said, "Despite everything I just said, I really do adore you and I knew you'd do the right thing." They all chuckled softly.
—--
"Corporal, I have the daily Post Op logs from yesterday." Charles said, walking into the main office.
"Thank you Major. If you could just put it in my inbox I will get to it momentarily. I'm working on the daily report now. Logs and requisitions start at 1400 hours." Klinger replied.
"Very regimented." Charles commented with a smirk, "and I must say, your office is looking much more organized. You may put your lil buddy from Ottumwa to shame yet."
"It's not a competition sir. I'm just doing my job." Klinger responded.
"Max….can I say something to you?" Charles asked.
"Of course sir."
"Well you know when I first came here, the brutal pace at which we are expected to work was….unnerving to say the least. At the end of my first O.R. session I felt so overwhelmed it almost brought me to tears. My only solace was the people around me telling me that with time, I would learn to adapt, and I'm realizing that none of us have extended that same courtesy to you. For that I am sorry, Max."
"Gee….thanks Major." Klinger said, looking up at him in slight shock.
"If I may offer one other small piece of advice?" Charles continued.
"Of course."
"Through all the turbulence the last week has brought for all of us, there has been one solid port in the storm that has stood by your side no matter how we might batter you, with a ferocity I have rarely seen equaled."
"I know…." Klinger said with a smile, "I don't know what the hell I did to get so lucky."
"Max."Charles said, putting a hand on his shoulder. "If you do not ask that amazing angel to be your bride, and soon, you are every bit the idiot that we have accused you of being."
Klinger smiled and opened his desk drawer, pulling out a form, and handing it to Charles.
"What is this?" Charles asked, taking it and scanning its contents.
"It's a GT- 640. It facilitates the transport of valuable possessions via courier from the U.S. directly to whoever requests them in Korea. The valuable possession in this case being my grandmother's diamond and sapphire ring, the only thing of value she brought with her when the family left Lebanon."
"Maxwell…." Charles said, "when did you start this process?"
"I had Radar write up the paperwork the day after me and Ellie's first date." He replied.
—--
"Is it supposed to make that much noise?" Ellie Marie asked, as the still clanked and gurgled.
"Are you kidding? That's music! A symphony of home brew and coils!" B.J. said happily.
"Klinger, you did a terrific job getting all this stuff for us." Hawkeye said.
"Nothing any genius couldn't have done when he's given the treatment and respect he deserves." Klinger replied.
"Elwood Einstein couldn't have done it better." B.J. said.
"Don't you mean Albert Einstein?" Klinger asked.
"Elwood." B.J. confirmed, "Plumber in Mill Valley. He'd go crazy over this thing!"
"Evening troops," said Colonel Potter, " Ah! I see you got the old homemade hooch mobile back in order!"
"All thanks to Klinger!" B.J. said toasting with his first martini.
"Hell of a job son." Colonel Potter said.
"Thank you sir." Klinger said with a smile.
"Oh that reminds me!" Colonel Potter said, "I found this under the trunk in the corner of my office. Thought it might be important." Colonel Potter held up the schedule Ellie Marie had for Klinger,
"Pretty impressive schedule you have for yourself. Slotted time for meetings with me, filling out reports, making calls….oh….." Ellie Marie felt her face was flush with heat as the Colonel clearly read the last line.
"What is it Colonel? B.J. asked.
"Oh nothing." The Colonel said quickly, " I guess I'm just going to have to be sure to have my work day done by 2200 hours moving forward." He said.