The night was painful.

But that was Remus' life, wasn't it? Pain, pain, and pain. Pain on top of pain. Pain squared. Pain and suffering, and not much else. Was he depressed? Maybe, but he didn't see how improving his mood would improve his situation. He would be happier, sure, but happiness didn't solve the pain. Nothing did.

It was one in the morning, the air was thick with scorching heat, the blankets felt sharp against Remus' skin, and Madam Pomfrey was dabbing a cool cloth on his forehead. "Am I helping?" she whispered.

Remus pushed her away. "No," he gasped. "Feels like my skin's on fire. Don't… don't touch me."

"All right." She pulled away. Through the haze of pain, Remus heard the cabinet open. He heard the clink of bottles. Then he heard footsteps, and Madam Pomfrey entered his limited line of vision. "I can give you two drops of a Sleeping Draught," she whispered—thank goodness she knew him well enough by now not to talk too loudly—"but I can't give you more Dreamless Sleep Potion. You've had too much. The Sleeping Draught should make you drowsy enough to ignore the pain, at least a little. You'll be able to fall asleep in a bit."

Her voice, even at its low volume, seemed to be grating on Remus' ears like a grater on a cheese block. "Please," he begged.

She placed two drops of the potion on his tongue, and it wasn't long before the pain let up, ever so slightly, just enough to make it almost bearable, and Remus' eyelids drooped. "Thank you," he breathed.

The cool cloth was back. "Ten years, hm?" mused Madam Pomfrey. "That is quite a bit of time."

"Don't want to talk about that right now."

"I'm only saying… maybe it's a good thing that you've managed to survive ten years of this. You're very brave."

"I don't want to be brave." Remus' words were coming out all slurred and soft, like melted cheese from the aforementioned grater. "Not this sort of brave, I mean. I want to be like James. James is brave, but he grew up in luxury. James has a future and money and friends and he's good at everything he does. Hard times don't make bravery, because James has plenty of it—more than I do, in fact. And if hard times don't make bravery, then what's the point of hard times?"

"You have a different type of bravery, one that James can scarcely begin to imagine."

"Wow. Great news for me. Wonderful. Lovely. Hey, I have an idea! Tomorrow, we can talk about how good werewolf transformations are for my hair. Hasn't it looked shinier lately? Or maybe—here's an even better idea—we can stop trying to find a bright side and just admit that I'm cursed, it's terrible, and there isn't much that's good about it!"

Madam Pomfrey sighed. "All right, I get your point. Now go to sleep before you say something you'll regret. You don't have as much of a filter as you think you do when you're in pain."

"Fine," said Remus. The sound of a bottlecap dropping into a jar signified that Madam Pomfrey was adding five minutes to his Hospital Wing stay as punishment for saying the Forbidden Word, but Remus was all right with that. Secretly, he hoped that she would add more.

The anger was gone the next day, and full-blown apathy had returned.

Remus mostly slept.

Manard was in the Hospital Wing. He couldn't see Remus, of course: Manard was in the main ward, and Remus was hidden away in Madam Pomfrey's office. But Manard's scent still floated under the door, worming its way into Remus' thoughts and personal space.

"What are you doing here, Sal?" Remus heard Madam Pomfrey ask. Remus tried to stay very, very still, because he didn't think he could handle a visit from Manard right now.

"I'm in pain," Manard grunted. "It's my leg. Albus said I should come to you. Isn't there something you can do?"

"Probably. Show me."

Remus heard the rustling of fabric, and then he heard Madam Pomfrey take a sharp breath in. "What did you do?" he heard her cry.

"I was attacked by a werewolf."

"Okay, yes, I know that. But that looks fresh."

"Oh, that. Banged it against the desk a few times. I thought it might help with the pain."

Madam Pomfrey sighed. "That was exceedingly stupid. Let me fix the fresh wounds so that I can get a better look."

"Brilliant. May I go into your office so that my students don't come in and see me like this?"

"No, but I can put up a curtain."

Fabric swishing. Bedsprings creaking. Madam Pomfrey muttering a familiar incantation. Wand waving. Manard released one solitary hiss, and then he confessed, "Yeah, that feels a lot better."

"But it still hurts?"

"Of course. It always does. Werewolf got the bone and muscle, and it's never going to heal properly. Tends to flare up when I walk a lot, when it's cold, or when I'm stressed. Is there anything you can do for it?"

"I'm not sure. Do you take medication at all?"

"I take Pain-Relieving Potion when it's bad enough."

"Often?"

"Yes."

"Full-strength?"

"Of course."

"It's not healthy to take two of those within twenty-four hours."

"Good, because I don't take two. I usually take three."

Madam Pomfrey sighed. "Well, that would be why it's so bad. You're dependent. It'll be worse whenever you stop taking it. You need to go at least a week without the potion, and it's going to hurt like hell. You're not leaving the Hospital Wing, and you're not taking any more Pain-Relieving Potions. Trust me, you'll feel a little better in a week. It'll still hurt, but it won't get as bad after that—as long as you stop taking so many Pain-Relieving Potions."

"I can't stay here for a week, Poppy. I have classes to teach."

"Someone will cover for you."

"Oh, but think of the rumors! I've already told all my classes that I was attacked by a werewolf, and now look at me—missing a week of school directly after the full moon."

"Nothing is wrong with being a werewolf," Madam Pomfrey huffed.

"Maybe not, but there's a reason Remus Lupin doesn't make it public knowledge. The prejudice is awful."

"Yes, well," said Madam Pomfrey, and Remus rolled his eyes. It was terribly ironic of Manard to complain about the prejudice.

Manard shifted in bed, and the springs creaked loudly. "Talking of Remus: is he in here, too?" he asked. "Full moon was a couple of nights ago, now that I think about it… wasn't it?"

"Yes and yes," said Madam Pomfrey (to Remus' great dismay). "He's in my office, and I must ask that you do not disturb him. I'm fairly certain he is sleeping."

"Ah. How did the full moon go? Is he all right?"

"He's worse-for-wear, but he'll heal."

"Good to hear."

"Do you want to go back to your classroom and collect a few books and things to do for your stay? In the meantime, I'll notify Albus that he needs to find a replacement for you."

"That would be lovely, Poppy. Thank you so much."

"Not a problem."

The Hospital Wing was empty now. Remus groaned, buried his head under his pillow, and basked in the remaining apathy, because apathy (however unpleasant) was easier than caring.

Madam Pomfrey arrived back in the Hospital Wing before Manard did, and she stopped by her office to talk to Remus immediately. "Were you awake when Manard arrived?" she asked.

"Yes," admitted Remus.

"You don't have a problem with it?"

"Of course not. His leg hurts, he needs medical attention, and this is the Hospital Wing. There are students in the main ward all the time."

"I know, but…"

Remus sighed. "Look, Madam Pomfrey, everyone seems to think that I have a problem with Professor Manard just because he was a werewolf hunter years ago. I don't. I quite like him. He's a good teacher and a very pleasant person. We needn't be at odds just because of our pasts… or, in my case, present."

"Of course," she said. "I only wanted to make sure. There's no reason to snap at me."

"It's only that I'm stressed."

"Believe me, I know you're stressed. Do you want some supper?"

"No."

"Too bad. I'm getting you some supper. Stay here."

"I don't really have a choice in the matter," grumbled Remus as Madam Pomfrey left him once again.

Manard returned, and so did Madam Pomfrey.

"Just a moment, Sal," she said. "I'm bringing Remus his supper. I'll be right with you."

"Sure," said Manard. "By all means, Poppy, please make Remus first priority. I'll be all right without you, and it seems he's in a much more critical state than I am."

"How would you know that?" asked Madam Pomfrey. By the sound and smell of it, she was carefully mixing a salad for Remus.

"First of all, because I'm literally a werewolf expert, and I know how bad the full moons can be. Second of all… because there's a massive amount of blood on that towel over there."

Madam Pomfrey drew in a sharp breath. "So there is," she said. "I'll Vanish that straight away. Just a moment, Remus!"

Remus waited.

"He'll be all right," said Madam Pomfrey. "Major blood loss, yes, but it's nothing we've not dealt with before. Talking of blood loss, Sal, how are those wounds on your leg?"

"Much better. Thank you so much for healing it—I know it was a very stupid thing of me to do."

"I've seen worse."

"I can imagine you have."

There were footsteps, and then the door to Madam Pomfrey's office opened. Madam Pomfrey closed the door behind her and placed a plate of salad and a toasted sandwich on Remus' bedside table. "Here's a fork and a napkin," she said, "and here is a large glass of water. I expect you to finish everything, all right? And let me know once you're done—I'd like to change the dressings on your wounds and clean you up a little. How are you feeling?"

"May I say the word?"

"You may not say the word."

Remus sighed. "Then I feel like I've been hit by the Knight Bus multiple times, but through some sort of divine providence, it's not life-threatening."

"Fair enough. Just call for me when you finish eating, all right?"

"Fine."

Madam Pomfrey dropped a cap in the jar. Remus rolled over in bed. Good, he thought to himself, oddly satisfied. That was yet another five minutes before he had to face the world again.

That evening, after changing the dressings on Remus' wounds again and fetching him some more food, Madam Pomfrey left the Hospital Wing to take a shower.

Remus had fully expected the sounds of bedsprings creaking as soon as she was gone, the sound of footsteps on the floor, and the sound of the cane—clack, clack, clack. He'd fully expected the door to Madam Pomfrey's office opening and Professor Manard appearing at the doorway, infuriating smile on his face. He'd fully expected all of this, because of course Manard would take advantage of the fact that it was just him and Remus in the Hospital Wing… but somehow, it still managed to surprise Remus.

"Hello," said Manard.

Remus crossed his arms. "Did you get the visitation cleared with Madam Pomfrey?"

"I'm an adult. I don't need to do that."

"Yes, you do. Even Professor Dumbledore asks Madam Pomfrey if it's okay to visit me."

"Albus frequently goes above and beyond, Remus. It's in his nature. And, on the subject of nature, I was quite curious as to what exactly a confined werewolf does to itself on the full moon. Mind giving me the rundown?"

"That's private information."

"Well, we're in a private room." Manard smiled wider. "And you know how good I am at keeping secrets."

Oh, Remus did not have the energy to argue. He didn't care. Apathy was easier. "Broken bones, lots of blood. I'm not sure what else you want to know. It's like you said: you're already an expert. You already have an idea, so why do you care?"

"Oh, I don't care."

"Then why are you asking?"

"Because I don't like you very much, Remus, and I want to remind you that this—" Manard gestured to Remus' broken body under the covers— "is why people are afraid of werewolves. This is what you do to yourself when holding back. Do you realize how incredibly dangerous you would be to a human when not holding back? How horribly painful it would be? This is what people fear when they look at you."

"I know all that. But I keep myself contained, so…"

"Of course. But all it takes is one tiny slip. You could accidentally cast a teleportation spell in Transfiguration—something that is frighteningly common—and find yourself stranded somewhere with no place to hide. Perhaps you'll get trapped in a broken lift one day. Perhaps you'll be kidnapped—after all, the likelihood of that increases in these dark times. Perhaps the charms will slowly fade on the Shrieking Shack one day… you don't notice it right now, but bit by bit, they will fade, and one day you'll escape entirely. Perhaps you'll fall unconscious somewhere the day before the full moon where no one can find you, only to be woken up by the transformation itself."

Remus stared, mouth agape.

"Or maybe," said Manard quietly, "you have what feels like a human mind right now, but it's changing—little by little, day by day—and you won't even notice before you adopt the mindset of Fenrir Greyback. You'll start lying about little things—you'll say you feel fine, and then you'll say you're not angry, and then you'll say you don't feel a dangerous rage whenever you look at people, and then you'll say you didn't murder a student, and then… oh, then you'll be too far gone, out of your control, and you won't even be able to tell right from wrong to know it."

"I… but… that's not possible. That's ridiculous."

"Is it? You mean to tell me your mental state hasn't changed at all this year? Nothing has happened whatsoever to your mood or mindset?" Manard smiled. "Well, that is impressive. Be on the lookout, though. These things are inevitable."

With one final wink and a cheeky clack of the cane against the wall, Manard was gone.

The door shut behind him, and Remus flinched.

He wasn't sure how Manard seemed to know all of Remus' deepest fears that he didn't even know he had, but he did, and Remus hated it.

Remus woke up, panting. "Madam Pomfrey," he shouted. "Madam Pomfrey!"

She came rushing into the room. "What's wrong?"

"I… can't breathe."

"Is something wrong with your lungs?" Madam Pomfrey placed a hand on his chest. "No, Remus, you're breathing. You're okay. Can you relax?"

"N-no." Remus jammed a hand over his mouth and nose. Not-breathing. He lifted his hands. Breathing. Yes, there was a difference. He was breathing. He could feel his lungs expanding and contracting, and he could feel the air in his nose.

"You're panicking," said Madam Pomfrey. "Do you need a Calming Draught?"

"No. Don't take—mind-altering potions."

"Yes, I know. You've made that very clear."

Time passed. Remus held his breath and let it out in ten-second intervals. Before long, he could breathe perfectly well again, and his heart had stopped hammering to the point of nausea. "I'm okay now," he said quietly.

"Did you have a nightmare?"

"Yeah."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really." Remus sighed. "I'm sorry. That happens sometimes."

"The nightmares or the panicking?"

"Both. But not usually at the same time. Usually the panicking happens before the full moon… though I did it in Professor Questus' house once, which was awkward…."

"I see."

"It's just… I had a question."

"Of course."

"What if… what if something happens to me during the day and I can't get to the Shrieking Shack? What if I'm trapped somewhere? What if someone kidnaps me? What if, for whatever reason, I'm not able to restrain myself come full moon? What happens then?"

Remus hated himself for being so deeply affected by Manard's insane what-if scenarios, but he'd just dreamt them. He'd just dreamt of being stuck in a room with his friends. It had started out innocent—they'd gone to explore two days before the full moon, and James had wanted to map out the room—but then the door had locked behind them and they hadn't been able to get out. Time had passed, and no one had come. Spells had been useless. The clock had ticked, time had marched, and then Remus had transformed, and…

…Well.

This was a new fear, one that had the ability to plague him all the time, not just on the full moons. What if Remus was trapped, or lost, or kidnapped? What if there was a fire that destroyed his safe space to transform directly before the moon? It could happen at any time!

"Remus," said Madam Pomfrey softly, "we will ensure that you safely reach the Shrieking Shack. You are surrounded by very capable adults, and we won't let anything like that happen to you."

"You can't promise that. It could happen."

"You know what else could happen? A meteor could hit earth at this very moment, killing every single one of us. A potion could go very badly wrong and blow up Hogwarts. A spell could go awry and cause sharks to grow wings. A Dark ritual could bring back the dinosaurs."

"Are you… trying to help?"

"Maybe. Are you afraid of any one of those things, Remus?"

"No. Should I be?"

"Of course not. Why aren't you afraid?"

"Because I don't think they'll happen."

"Exactly. They're all possible, but the chances are so small that there's no need to worry about them… just like the chances of you somehow being trapped or lost somewhere so soon before the full moon. If you should get lost before the full moon instead of coming here like you usually do, then Professor Dumbledore will find you. He can do most anything, can't he? We will make sure you are safe, no matter what."

"Okay." Remus released a shuddery breath. "I feel a bit better."

"All right. Did anything in particular inspire this sudden fear?"

"The dream I had."

"I see." Madam Pomfrey's hand was on Remus' now. Remus wasn't wearing his gloves, and the feel of her fingers on the scarred ridges of his hand was strange, but also strangely comforting. "Do you think you can go back to sleep?"

"Yeah," said Remus. "May I have another Dreamless Sleep Potion?"

"No. You've had enough, and overuse of certain potions can lead to some very unpleasant things… right, Professor Manard?!"

It was then that Remus realized that the door was open, and Manard was standing next to the doorway, his face a picture of innocent concern. "Right," he chuckled. "Sorry to intrude. I heard noises and wanted to make sure everything was all right."

"It's no issue," said Madam Pomfrey. "Do you mind Conjuring a glass of water for Remus while you're here? Glass is right next to you."

"Of course I don't mind."

"How's your leg?"

"Worsening, but bearable. Here." Manard handed the glass of water to Madam Pomfrey, who set it on Remus' bedside table.

"Thank you. I'll go fetch you some tea as soon as Remus is asleep, Sal. You'll probably be up for a while from the pain. We'll chat more then."

"Sounds good." Manard and Remus locked eyes for half a second, and then Manard said, "Sweet dreams," and left.

It was a very long time before Remus got back to sleep.