Chapter 11: Is There A Reason?

A/N: It's now time again for me to present a big "Thank You" for everybody now that this story has hit another milestone. Today this story has hit 50 favorites from readers all around the world and I want to demosntrate my appreciation by presenting another chapter earlier than scheduled. I hope you all enjoy.

As he returned home from school, Shinji made his way through the entry hall as he continued to think about the recent revelation that Kensuke had recently presented to him. He believed the reveal he made about Rei would be the foremost thing on his mind for the rest of the day but realized he would not have that luxury for very long. He saw Misato sitting at the head of the table in the dining room with her red jacket hanging on the back of her chair.

Curious about how soon she had just arrived from work, Shinji introduced himself by greeting, "Hi Miss Misato."

Misato turned around in her chair to recognize his arrival when she asked, "Hi Shinji. Why don't you come with me, and we can skip out on our duties just for tonight?"

The offer surprised Shinji when he wondered what spurned such an offer in what seemed to be an odd time to suggest. When he remembered that he was keeping in line with his agreement to be her boyfriend however he remembered that he would have to make sure that Misato would never find a reason to suspect that he might have been trying to avoid her. Even with the responsibility he had to worry about, the offer to spend time with Misato seemed to be a more appealing way to end his day than think about the recent revelation he had to hear from Kensuke.

Still unsure about what Misato was offer however, Shinji asked for confirmation, "Um… what for?"

Misato stood up when she told him, "I'll leave the choice for you next time. This can be our first night out together. The piers should be a nice place."

Shinji accepted the suggestion when he accepted, "Oh that place. Sure, I still have to go to school tomorrow though."

Misato made her way to the kitchen counter when she grabbed her purse before telling him, "It'll be a nice quiet place to talk, and we can enjoy a really nice, quick stroll." She placed a camera in Shinji's hands when she winked, "And you can take some really nice pictures of me to."

Shinji looked down at the camera when he told her, "Well I guess if you're okay with that."

Misato patted Shinji's shoulder when she told him, "If it makes you feel comfortable, I can take pictures of you too if you'd like. I actually think that's pretty fair if you ask me."

Shinji accepted, "This will be different."

He could not tell when it would have happened but Shinji knew that both he and Misato would progress to some part of their relationship where they would be willing to go out in public together. It was not the first time but over time usually had Asuka, Rei, or someone else to keep him from being the center of attention. Now, he was being taken out into the city without any prepared intention other than to experience whatever joy they could share with one another.

As soon as Shinji and Misato made their way to the pier outside, there were still a few hours away from sundown, but the clear sky proved to be a captivating view for both of them to appreciate. There were not many times where Shinji sat back and thought about what he was defending other than the first few times where Misato provided him a picture of what he had really achieved. Being offered a chance to recapture one of the feelings that made him feel as though he had some sort of real worth as a human provided some comfort in anticipation of just a simple night out.

Shinji held on to the camera when he looked around and heard Misato ask, "This place sure managed to handle the worst of it hasn't it?"

Shinji agreed when he watched a passing freighter, "Seems like the Angels never thought about this place being important."

A pause lingered between the two before Misato pointed out, "So you know you get to be the conversation starter sometimes right?"

Shinji cleared his throat when he admitted, "I guess I need to be better at that don't I?"

"I know the Angels are still on your mind, but you definitely aren't the same kid you were when we first met."

"If they cared about what I felt then we wouldn't still be here. At least if we have to believe everybody."

"We both had to take a lot. And I did a pretty bad job trying to get you ready for that lately."

"You lost Kaji. I don't know how you're managing."

"Well, you helped."

Shinji turned as soon as she offered that point and struggled to respond, "Miss Misato…"

Misato brought her hand behind her neck when she admitted, "Here I was with a bigger point ready, and I actually felt like I was getting ready to just keep it a simple date."

The confession sent a weight falling down Shinji's stomach as he worried about what the real intention for the date might have been. He had a feeling that Misato would have wanted to separate from a relationship as this one but felt the disappointment of the idea remain when he thought about what little happiness it brought him. The question of whether it was a legitimate fear or a what he truly should have been worried about would only continue to linger for as long as he remained

Clenching his hands and preparing for the answer, Shinji asked, "We're not just here for that?"

Misato remained firm when she told him, "You remember that thing you helped me find? It had a lot of things on there that you really need to know."

Hours passed when Misato gave her account of everything that Kaji risked his life to make public. Some of the information sounded odd at first but the further Misato went on, the more Shinji began to feel himself entering a spiral of concepts and ideas that he never would have considered possible. It did not take long for him to hope that she would stop speaking to allow him the opportunity to ask questions about what he was trying to deal with.

He had a brief moment of happiness when he heard that Rei was soon to return to him, but the story of what sort of person she would be had him astonished when he learned what was happening in secret with her. It was apparently hours ago that Misato had managed to find the time necessary to confront Ritsuko and discover that she would soon be replaced by a clone of her. One day he would be able to see her again, but it seemed that she would no longer be the one he came to know.

This reveal should have been enough to captivate Shinji, but his earlier conversation with Kensuke that day provided him the same revelation. Even recognizing the familiarity, he found himself cornered when he knew that being indifferent would have made it seem as though he already knew what she was about to tell him. He could not tell if he was giving a convincing show of being confused when Misato revealed Rei's condition in that moment but held on to the hope that she bought into it when she continued with when they would see Rei again.

He found his answer for how observable he was when Misato pointed out, "So you think you can handle being around Rei again right?"

Shinji swallowed when he realized he had to answer a question himself and managed, "Uh… Yeah. It's just… I never thought that would happen…"

Misato agreed, "I didn't think I'd see someone come back from the dead either. Gotta say you at least seem to take that better than I thought you would."

Shinji looked to his side when he struggled to find a way to comprehend his current situation and ask, "Well… It's just… I don't know… How were you… handling losing Kaji?"

Misato lingered when she tried to figure out how she could answer in a way that did not demean Shinji. Not only from giving him a brutal answer, but one that he would actually be willing to believe. He was shaken greatly in everything he believed in, but Misato had come to recognize when he was able to comprehend he was being talked down to and when he was being offered answers that he felt he could learn from.

Misato thought for a period before she finally answered, "Other than you? I just stuck with work really. But I guess a few things did change quite a bit. If she ever meets me, she probably won't believe the changes I made."

Shinji crossed his arms when he admitted a fear that he did not share with Kensuke, "I really don't know how I'm going to meet Ayanami again. It just doesn't seem like it will be the same as before."

"You're right. It won't be. She'll be different and I'd even say you changed for the better in a few ways."

"As long as Ayanami is going to be safe that means we'll be able to see her again right?"

Misato took a breath before she prepared for the next part of her exposure of NERV, "Well. That's where some of the other stuff comes in…"

Much of what he and Kensuke had originally believed NERV to be was completely upended the moment he learned of NERV's ultimate purpose. The Human Instrumentality Project. A forced change of the human race that would cause it to become completely unrecognizable in a world altered into a state that no one would be able to comprehend.

Before he heard such a revelation, Shinji struggled to conceive what could have shaken his faith in those he was fighting for but realized how possible it truly was. His fight against whatever the Angels might have been should have been a simple one where he was tasked with eradicating them before they could achieve what the Human Instrumentality Project was supposed to be. He allowed himself to have such simple aspirations and he was forced to bear the disappointment of the revelations that he was fighting for the same thing that would have brought about such an apocalyptic vision.

Bearing the disappointment made Shinji feel a disappointment that he could not begin to imagine weighing. He backed away from Misato when he leaned against the rails and struggle to process what he was fighting for all this time. He was thankful that no one was to be seen nearby as he struggled to process what he had just heard while struggling to keep himself from breaking down into a quivering mess.

Before he could fall to his knees, Misato made her way up to Shinji and brought her hands under his armpits as she softened his descent to the ground. She knelt down to him when she told him, "I know… it's a lot to take in."

Shinji shook his head when he asked, "Why? Why do people want this? What's the point of all this?"

Being faced with the sight of Shinji breaking down in front of her left Misato feeling desperate for a simple answer. With no other cause that would have provided them a chance to fight against the hidden aspect of NERV, their options had become limited. The idea that the destruction of the entire human species was within possibility because of the participation of the Eva pilots was enough to make both Shinji and Misato feel as though they had just committed acts that no one should have forgiven them for.

Misato forced herself to give an answer when she stated, "So that we can survive. That's what we're here for."

Shinji looked down at the ground when he asked in a lower voice, "What good is it if it's all going to happen anyway?"

Desperation to keep him from descending into depression made Misato proclaim, "It doesn't have to!"

Her attempt to assure him was met with a resigned question, "How?"

Misato could not believe that she would be easily upended by just one word but there was a valid concern behind it. She had the information, she made sure it was given to those who had the best chance to save them, but none of it would matter if she did not try to make sure the right people had the information. The process of having to deal with busy government officials did not fill her with hope but it became the one thing that she would be able to lean on in order to have some sort of hope there would be a different outcome than the one being discussed.

Leaning upon the simplest of hopes was what made Misato attempt to assure, "If… If we keep them from pulling this off, then it won't have to happen."

"Who's supposed to listen to us?"

"You have to trust me, there's people who are out there who will listen. We aren't going to let Kaji's death mean nothing."

"I don't see that happening."

One thing that Misato had come to accept through trying to understand the source of Shinji's anxiety was that offering a countless number of empty assurances was the last thing that would earn his trust. It took a few years for Misato to have the same attitude towards others but seeing herself in Shinji offered her a perspective that she only seldom considered before. The question of allowing someone to go through the same thing she did was not something she even considered as she prepared to confront such a quandary this time.

She approached his sense of desperation by asking, "It seems like a lot doesn't it?"

While Shinji was not drowning in despair for the moment, having his attention was the most important thing she was thankful for as it brought him to ask, "What am I supposed to keep fighting for?"

"If you let the Angels pull this off, we'll all die."

"And if they don't destroy us, my father will."

Anxious to hold on to what trust Shinji had in her, Misato appealed to his observation, "It's scary enough to make you want to stop it doesn't it?"

When he was faced with the suggestion of what his choice of inaction would have given way to, Shinji lingered as he tried to come up with a response before admitting, "I… don't… know…"

Once again Shinji was allowing himself to see himself be challenged by the depths of despair and seemed to have no idea of how he could pull himself out. Misato had come to expect this to happen after dealing with it several times before, but the many times they did all proved to be detrimental to her and everyone around them. With the looming threat of future Angels on the horizon, Misato found herself questioning if she had indeed gone with the right choice in telling Shinji about this.

Remembering what moved her to tell Shinji about this became the ultimate deciding factor for why she was revealing everything in the first place. This time was going to be different; she was going to make sure that fewer people would have to suffer, that Shinji would not have to bring himself at the mercy of people who claimed to know him better than he knew himself. She had failed so many times before but the opportunity to set things right was in front of her and she was determined to make sure she and everyone around her could reap a better life.

She could not tell if it was because she felt a sense of duty in that moment or a sense of commitment to her relationship, but Misato brought a hand to Shinji's cheek when she brought him to face her and told him, "Your father isn't the only one that you have to live for."

Shinji's face continued to welt tears from the hopelessness that seemed determined to corner him at every turn when he pointed out, "It's… not right… I… don't have anyone else… No one can… take… his… place…"

Misato frowned when it seemed that Shinji was no closer to setting himself free of the hardships waiting for him. She wanted to believe that she was keeping him away from such harm but was faced with the reality that Shinji cared too much about other people to let him have a comprehension of what he wanted to be done for him.

Hoping to offer some sort of consolation for what little she could offer in that moment, Misato assured him, "I know I can't take his place but… I can be there for you."

Shinji sniffed his nose as he forced himself to recover from the news he had just learned but managed to offer her one chance to prove her point when he asked, "How do I know?"

Misato patted his cheek when she reminded, "That's what a relationship is isn't it? Making things better for each other?"

Even with her best intention in front of him, Shinji struggled to believe just how genuine Misato's offer was. Even giving her the benefit of the doubt left him unmoved when he looked at himself and what he had done to bring himself here. It began with his intention to comfort her, grew with the intention to keep their relationship a secret, and forced them to seriously consider what they did to one another. Accounting for all the crimes that he believed he committed left him unwilling to accept that he could have been offered any sense of forgiveness.

Shinji made his grief known when he declined Misato's offer, "None of this makes any sense. I'm not a good person and I'm not good for anything."

Having all of his despair laid out in front of Misato made him feel his confusion continue to grow when she told him, "You're not your father. You actually care about others. Deep down you actually cared enough about me to bring us here."

Misato's differentiation rung true with Shinji as he thought about what he did achieve despite himself. He began with the intention of making sure that Misato would not allow herself to remain in a continued state of depression only to discover that he seemed to need her as much as she did him to remain stable. Despite the pain he continued to feel as he placed himself further into Misato's metaphorical quills every day, Shinji came to discover that placing himself in the danger of the pain seemed to be something he could handle.

Hearing nice words about himself was not enough however when Shinji pointed out, "I just have a hard time believing that anybody would actually want me to help them. I'm enough of a wreck dealing with the Angels already."

Accepting there was an unfortunate truth to Shinji's self-confidence after all this time made Misato gesture around her and remind, "Well okay, you still have problems. You don't have to let them define you though. Look at us."

While Shinji could see the positive nature of them having been together for the past few days, he could not help but return his thoughts to the night before they decided their relationship would be necessary. The intent behind what he had done and how he felt as though he allowed himself to be taken control by some other force that tried to use him. It would have been a far simpler answer for everything that had happened over the past few days, but there was no way for him to reveal that it was the case.

The fact was that Misato allowed herself to be taken that night seemed to become the basis for everything that made Shinji believe that he was no longer acting the way he should have. The fact that he was willing to reach out to her and subject himself to what saw as self-infliction became enough gave way to a confusion about what he had done and what was so special about him. His contemplation of the situation became the closest thing he had to a rational explanation for why he would have brought himself upon Misato that fateful night.

Being able to explain how he could come to such a conclusion was not enough to make him forgive himself however when he pointed out, "I really still don't believe that you didn't want to get rid of me. After what I did to you."

Misato smiled while she sighed at the point when she admitted, "If I was rational, I would have probably thought about that at some point. Maybe I was just that desperate to feel anything other than grief and you were there."

Shinji shook his head when he reminded, "But then I… used you…"

Remembering the night that Shinji was referring to made Misato lose what enthusiasm she had for seeing him regain the confidence he had. The sight of Rei's potential death made her forget the detail in her backup cloning process enough that she wanted to have a return to the desperate search for a different feeling than falling into grief again. The fact that she allowed herself to be taken by Shinji the night Kaji died seemed to retroactively become the justification she was searching for when she tried to comprehend what made her decide to approach him the way she did.

The truth of that night became the one thing she hoped was enough to snare Shinji from his self-loathing when she reminded, "I was the one who put the moves on you. Lousy excuse, I know."

"If you're tired of putting up with me you really shouldn't force yourself."

Much to Misato's disappointment she found herself forced to face the root of what formed the foundation of such an improbable relationship. Was she pursuing her union with Shinji purely out of a quick grasp for convenience or had she actually fallen in love? It was a cliched question that she thought she was completely above asking herself but made her realize just how little she understood about herself. She did not believe that she should have been allowed to ask that question of herself when matters such as the impending Third Impact was still looming over humanity.

Trying to contemplate what caused her to feel so limited made Misato decide that she could not determine if it was for the better or even true. For the longest time it seemed that the responsibility of holding the weight of the world was always on Shinji and at the best of times a handful of other friends. In this penultimate question of what her place in this continued conflict would be, Misato struggled to think in pure pragmatism as she continued to struggle to find a reason to call herself a significant part of Shinji's continued fight. Whatever the reason, her attempt to answer such a challenge became the one thing that would give her the opportunity to answer if for what seemed to be the first time in a long time she could make someone's life better just by being there for them.

Misato revealed her intentions when she told Shinji, "You never had a chance to see a normal world and I lost it. I always thought it was my job to give you and the others hope that you might get a chance to see one. Maybe we're just not meant to."

Shinji thought about the counterargument he had just been given to his offer to free Misato from what he felt must have been an imposing will upon her only to realize that he was not going to separate from her so easily. Being forced to hear that she believed there might not be a normal world for them to enter even if he could prevent Third Impact from happening did not instill much hope in him. It seemed even worse when he had to consider that she was one of the few people he could trust to not be completely lost to the looming doom that threatened to claim humanity.

Leaving himself deep in thought about such a danger made him consider how much he had come to value what Misato offered him. There were times where he should have fallen into complete despair and yet she was there to help him out of it both before and after the death of Kaji. She was in front of him right now offering a helping hand that pulled him up from the threshold of completely losing what remained of his sanity. He had no idea how he could quantify how much she had done for him but gained a newfound sense of appreciation for where his life currently was.

Even the depths of despair were not enough to make Shinji shy away from fulfilling the duty that he felt was placed upon him in this moment. He would continue to ask what he did to deserve the mercy necessary to be here in this moment after taking advantage of Misato that fateful night but seemed forced to accept the alternative of what would happen if he turned his back on her. By what seemed to be complete circumstance, his imaginary quills were extended and he found himself coming back to Misato even if she was in turn prepared to offer the promise of a similar pain by coming close to her. The only question left in his mind was just how much he was willing to accept and if doing so was what would allow both of them to hold on to what sanity would remain for them.

Managing what doubts remained and once again defying what he thought he would normally do in such a situation made Shinji call out Misato's earlier evaluation about herself, "If things were normal, you'd get in trouble. You don't deserve that."

Misato shook her head when she realized what she heard and asked, "You really think so huh? I always wondered if I was taking advantage of you or if this was the right thing. I thought by now you would have wanted me to leave you."

An inner struggle formed in Shinji as he tried to keep himself from cowering at the idea of allowing himself to be any closer to Misato than he already was. Every answer he offered prior only seemed to push him further down a balancing beam of falling onto one side where he would continue to be an unwitting participant in a relationship that would be dangerous for both of them or dismissing her and losing what little sense of hope that he had gained up to this point. He could not imagine how he would make such a decision but being drawn to the idea of no longer being in in sorrow after having endured so much recently made him more hesitant than he felt he should have been.

He finally answered Misato's accusation when he told her, "I just can't leave you like this. I… want to still be your boyfriend."

Misato smiled when she he heard the intention behind Shinji's offer. She feared the idea of breaking the authenticity of the moment by asking if it was a genuine offer or not and instead chose to hold on to this moment as a string of hope that she was doing something right. If Third Impact could be stopped and there was still potential for them to live a life after this era of sorrow, the chance had to be waiting to be taken in front of her.

Another pause passed between the two of them before Misato asked, "So I… does that mean… you like what we're doing?"

Shinji nodded before he confirmed, "… Yeah. I never thought I would."

Placing her hand on his shoulder, Misato offered Shinji, "So that should say everything right? You're going to do your best. If not for yourself, then you'll think of me won't you?"

While he could not say that he was no longer fearful of what might have been at hand, Shinji felt that he might have been looking at an open door of another place where might have found someone he could trust. Finding acceptance in the threat of the proposed Third Impact scenario seemed to come to Shinji in a way he could not comprehend. From what little time he thought about how it happened, it seemed that the offer of having someone's affections was the invitation that he needed to take the chance.

Prepared to take his next step into that door, Shinji answered Misato's question, "Yeah. Sure."

Misato reminded him of her invitation for him when she asked, "Well are you ready to take some photos?"

Almost as if it needed to be summoned, the weight on Shinji's neck reminded him of the camera he was holding. He placed it in his hands when he asked, "This is what we came for here wasn't it?"

Misato helped him up to his feet when she told him, "All this talking sure gave us a nice sunset to use as a backdrop. I'd say we time that pretty perfectly."

Shinji made a few adjustments to the camera as he prepared it to take the clearest image before telling himself, "Well here it goes."

Shinji could not imagine that taking photos of someone else could have taken as much time as it did but he found himself captivated by the opportunity as he searched for every angle and area where he could capture Misato posing for him. He remembered the photo that she sent him when they first met but the sight of her against the setting sun and the wind blowing her hair left him with a chance to see images of her that he did not anticipate before. Opposed to that photo he was offered, the sight of her against the brightened red of the sunset became a sight that seemed to capture everything he valued about Misato ever since he allowed himself into her company.

Time passed before Misato had placed her red jacket back on and observed, "This is pretty fun honestly. Seems like you enjoy taking pictures Shinji."

Shinji looked at the recent picture he had taken when he responded, "You are really pretty Miss Misato." He immediately swallowed when he realized what he had just said. It was true that he had such observations before, but he always did his best to keep such a comment to himself. In a time where he never thought he would be so close to her it simply did not seem to be the right comment to make towards her.

As he looked up he saw Misato offering a devilish smile when she teased, "Ooh, Shinji. I didn't know you had it in you."

The tease caused Shinji to look down as he blushed when he scrambled to take back what he said and managed, "I… well…. Yeah, I shouldn't say that out here should I?"

Seeing Shinji stutter to keep himself modest after such a slip gave Misato a perfect excuse to laugh if only to see him acting in a way reminiscent to a more innocent time. She patted his shoulder when she told him, "Nobody heard us. Besides, it's normal for boys your age to think that way. I bet the other kids would be jealous if you told them about us."

Shinji was unnerved by the second comment when Misato unintentionally came close to landing on a truth that she had yet to discover. He tried to play along with the comment when he asked, "You… think so?"

Shinji found himself pulled further into the observation when Misato told him, "I had a chance to see how Kensuke and Toji acted when they were behind my back. You have all the chances in the world to brag about it to them."

Being reminded of who was left at his side provided Shinji little comfort when he considered his situation. He did have Misato willing to provide comfort for him when it seemed he was condemned to sorrow but knew things were about to be entirely different with everyone he knew by the time the next Angel attack would begin. He would have to continue fighting for his life and much like Misato suggested before he would have to be different from the easily intimidated pilot that he had been up to now.

Shinji revealed the one disappointment he had when he admitted, "I wish Toji didn't have to leave."

His reminder of one of his few friends leaving him made Misato remember the scheduled when she tried to encourage, "Oh yeah. Him and Sakura are not gonna be here for long are they? Sounds like building new friends is going to be your new mission for a while Shinji."

Although he initially thought Misato's observation was based on practicality rather than advice, Shinji tried to consider how trivial a matter it was compared to everything he had just tried to process. At the very least he would be able to protect Toji and his sister as long as they remained out of range of an Angel attack. However many of the spawns of Adam and Lilith remained, it was up to him to make sure that he would have the opportunity to protect those he valued the most.

Feeling prepared to accept what was about to challenge him in the coming days, Shinji reminded, "I can try. But I don't want us to get in trouble for this."

Misato tugged at the straps around his neck when she offered, "I'm sure we'll be fine. So a deal's a deal, you think you can give me some really confident looks while I get your picture?"

With what seemed to be the weight of the world on his shoulders but now with at least one other person to provide support for his predicament, Shinji removed the camera from his neck and accepted, "Sure."

A/N: Something I probably haven't done just yet was really get into what the connection between Shinji and Misato would be like. Now that I've gotten this far, it seemed like a good time to really begin exploring the dynamic. Didn't really feel a need to go many other places in the setting for now and just decided to deliver on what's really foundational to this story.

As you might have noticed, yeah Sakura is the name taken from the Evangelion rebuilds. Not sure I see a reason to bring her into the story, just something to add in passing.

Not much else to add, hope you all enjoyed what I would consider to be a moment of mirth compared to what will happen down the line. I hope to see you all then.