Chapter 13: Will Either of Us Say What We Feel?

The walk home from the concert was a great relief to Misato as she followed Shinji back to their apartment. What was supposed to be a night of simply enjoying music and enjoying the company of one another proved to be a more serious matter than she imagined. Life, however, continued to prove how indifferent it was to her desires and what she wanted to make happen that day.

Her walk alongside Shinji provoked little conversation when Shinji asked, "Can we head back now Miss Misato?"

The question left a chill down Misato from the sheer frankness. "You're not hungry, are you?"

Shinji shook his head when he explained, "I really need to ask you something. I don't want people to hear."

Misato frowned at the nature of the request before accepting, "Really? Well okay…"

Walking up the steps and making her way to the door of her apartment, Misato found herself standing in front of her door. She lingered in front of it for a few seconds before she tried to lighten the mood, "Well… we're home."

Reaching into her pockets and taking hold of her keys, Misato prepared to open the door before finding herself caught in place. She looked down to see Shinji wrapping her arms around her waist and hanging his head. While she was not forced into a corner, Misato could not help but feel trapped by the embrace as the sheer surprise caused her to lock in place.

Without a chance to remove her arms from the hold, Misato asked, "Sh… Shinji?"

The question made Shinji tighten his embrace before he offered, "I'm sorry about all this Misato…"

Misato was left perplexed by the apology. Shinji did nothing wrong as far as she could tell but had already been made familiar with his apologetic nature given the critical nature of himself. Afraid of overlooking his offer, she cleared her throat before asking, "You… You're… For… what?"

Shinji lingered before he found the will to ask, "For doing this… You don't want to be around me, do you?"

"H… How did you get… that idea?"

"You… didn't try to run away?"

Misato found herself displeased with how she allowed herself to overlook something so simple. She left Shinji to himself for just a moment, and she made him feel as though she considered casting him aside. The worst part of it being that she found herself going against the very reason she tried to reach out to him before.

Their union was supposed to be based on their willingness to be open with one another. She was supposed to be as open with him as he possibly could but found herself desperate to hide what this deviation from their night was supposed to be. She believed that love was supposed to be about being open with one another as possible found herself wondering what could have caused her to decide that it was not a good idea to tell him.

As Misato thought about it, what was she supposed to tell him after all? That she was supposed to meet with a mysterious person that was unwilling to reveal his identity at the time? Even if Shinji could believe her, it was perfect grounds for making him suspect what her true intentions might have been. Even worse, believe that she was placing herself in harm's way when she was forced to meet with Kyoya when she herself could not say if the meeting was between someone she trusted or not.

None of Misato's reasoning mattered in the moment however when she considered where she was. Shinji would not be receptive to a detailed explanation in the situation he was in, and she was forced to consider this as part of her approach. He was not as strong as Kaji or any other man she knew before, and this was simply another reminder of what she allowed herself to take responsibility for.

Hopeful to capture Shinji's attention, Misato placed a hand on his shoulder when she explained, "No, I… It's… I wanted to… keep you from being hurt."

Shinji was unmoved by the gestured when he pressed with his interrogation, "Well why did you walk away?"

Being faced with another question of her intent made Misato desperate to find out what she could say before resorting to one aspect of the truth she hoped would explain things to him, "I had to meet a friend. It's stuff from work."

Shinji's face soured when he showed a sign of dissatisfaction Misato did not anticipate and was faced with the ultimate question, "If it was that important, why didn't you just say that?"

The reminder of how simple she could have avoided being in this scenario became a weight in Misato's stomach as she struggled to explain why she made him worry. She became desperate in hopes of providing an assuring answer before she reminded, "It was just a brief distraction. It's not like I missed the show, right?"

Whatever closeness Shinji had to being moved to tears was lost when he looked down and explained, "I was worried. I really thought you tried to run away."

Misato rubbed his shoulder when she assured him, "That's what this is about isn't it? I'm sorry to do that to you."

Shinji leaned against Misato before he asked in a downhearted tone, "I'm not very strong, am I?"

Brining her hand to his cheek and moving his face to look up to hers, Misato countered the doubt, "I'm your first girlfriend right? It's nice to see you taking this seriously. Most guys take relationships for granted."

"I just want you to be happy."

"That's what I want too."

Misato felt shivers run down her spine with the exchange between the two of them as they tried to reconcile what should have been a minor distraction on their third date. Even trying to be the one to assure Shinji what he was looking for was proper left her questioning the integrity of her resolve. It was the closest to seeing Shinji start up an argument that she had ever imagined possible. If a relationship was not meant to be all soft exchanges of happiness, what else could have been an ideal subject to start an argument over?

The reminder of the two and their intentions was the most key reminder that caused Shinji and Misato to look into the eyes of one another and reflect upon where they were. They had done things that they never imagined they would have allowed themselves to consider. They both allowed themselves to wander into the threat of enduring the pain of one another and grown to find themselves accustomed to it.

For the moment there was no question of if what they were doing was right or wrong, only a question of what they wanted from one another. This was the interest that settled itself in Shinji's mind as he looked up to Misato and felt his arms stiffen from continuing to hold her in front of him. Even with the assurance of never leaving him, he could not help but fear the worst coming. Of all the pieces of happiness he was offered in the past number of months as an Eva pilot, he wanted nothing more than to make sure he would still hold on to this one he thought he would come to lose.

As he feared the possibilities of losing her after so long, Misato looked down to Shinji when she tried to put a word on what sort of person Shinji was becoming. He was not willing to be assertive in what he wanted, but he was willing to make his desires known. It was a side of him that she never imagined seeing and wondered how she could have allowed herself to be blindsided by such a change in his character.

The change in Shinji was something Misato realized she would remain entangled in as she looked down to see Shinji bringing his gaze up to her. Keeping her in his embrace he raised his head up while pointing his toes to elevate himself. Misato realized what Shinji was trying to accomplish when she saw him close his eyes but hold himself in place. He was trying to kiss her as the final part of a date but the 7-inch difference in height made it difficult for him to take what he wanted.

Misato allowed herself to smile at the sincere display before she felt what guilt hold her back seemingly fall off her shoulders. She lowered her head to bring her lips to Shinji's as she brought the two of them into a kiss. The two remained in place outside Misato's apartment as they enjoyed the embrace they found themselves in. An embrace that neither of them never thought they would have earned before.

Shinji able to confirm that he had someone who was willing to be his support and Misato was in the arms of someone whose only condition was to be offered support in return. The difficulties she was facing before seemed trivial as she allowed herself to embrace one of the most assuring embraces she could think back to. It was only a few seconds after that she realized that the night would not simply end outside the apartment door.

Locking himself in such a display of affection brought more confusion to Misato than it did to Shinji, particularly because of the storm of confusion that was making its way through his mind as he continued to kiss her. The accusations from Kensuke about him forcing himself here became the most relevant thoughts in his mind along with the guilt that he felt in making Misato's life worse than it might have been before. He did not know how he could try to make it better but having the courage to make it seem as though this was what he wanted seemed to be the most immediate option he had.

Shinji took what control he had of their locked lips when he let go and made his feet level with the ground. Having parted from Misato, he kept his hands around her while keeping his look up to her. What was supposed to be the final part of a date left Misato with sense of euphoria but still felt stuck in place when she saw Shinji keeping his look up to her. Even being able to seal the final part of what should have been a worthwhile conclusion made Misato wonder just what Shinji was hoping to achieve despite what should have been a crowning achievement for his growing will.

Misato swallowed before she broke the silence, "So… this one was a success."

"Miss Misato… I want to… make this right."

The response left Misato uncertain what Shinji meant by such a suggestion. She thought she was supposed to be the one to make up for making him worry but now found herself lost on what sort of redemption he was looking for. Desperation to keep herself from losing Shinji's approval made Misato ask, "You do?"

Shinji swallowed before he forced himself to manage the question, "I forced myself on you. Can I make it right for you?"

Being forced on was the only comment Misato needed before she understood what Shinji was referring to. The battle against the 16th Angel caused a rush of emotions to make their way through him that he was still having trouble accepting. All of them accumulated into taking advantage of the offer of affection she gave that night in a way that she never imagined he would have done. Misato still struggled to image just how Shinji might have been living with himself for the regret that accumulated to this point. All of it still lingered on his conscience and he wanted nothing more than to find a way to make up for what he had done.

Misato's attempts to keep herself in clear conscience left her conflicted as she considered what sort of condition she was in. Allowing herself to be in a serious relationship with someone far from her age and so desperate for a chance to be connected again brought her to reaching out a helping hand for someone who clearly needed them more than her. There was a world of difference between the two of them and should have been more than enough to make her question if she was still allowing herself to be in the boundaries of morality or if she was even doing the right thing to help others. It was this sort of quandary that made her struggle to comprehend if she was still in the right frame of mind to be what he needed.

As wrong as it was, as much as she wanted to believe she was in the wrong, Misato reminded herself that she was not in the presence of someone who was unknown to her. She was with someone who despite his insecurities and what he had gone through had pure intentions. He was seeking someone who wanted affections returned to him and he did not want to lose her.

Misato could not tell if she would ever allow herself to be free of the confusion that she allowed herself to be with Shinji, but what she had now was enough to make her wonder if she had made the right decision in her effort to free Shinji of his sorrow. She could not have possibly been the right person to make her way up to him and try to shoulder everything that made him feel as though the world had plotted against making him feel any sense of contentment. She imagined that she was enough of a problem for him that she could not have had anything to give that would make him reconsider the true value he had as an individual.

What doubts that made their way through her mind were cast aside when she made herself remember that she had taken on this responsibility when she offered the chance to be at his side. As one of the few options she could have imagined being enough to pay him back for being there for her after Kaji's death when she felt as though she was destined to continue facing such obstacles of life all on her own. Even if she had every right to be selfish in that moment and every moment she had with Shinji afterwards, she had to remember that she was allowing herself to be in the arms of someone different from Kaji in every way she ever knew.

Misato summarized everything that went through her mind as best she could when she promised, "The only obligation you have is to make sure that this is working for both of us Shinji. Do that and I'll do it as well."

"Just please, don't leave me."

The request was a simple one but encompassed everything that Misato was struggling with when she considered the great blemish that made Shinji worry about what he was doing right. She allowed herself to be out of his sight for a brief moment and it brought him to the familiar lonely sense of despair that he allowed himself to be held under. Despite his willingness to continue his fight, Misato was forced to remember that he was not the sort of boy who was willing to bind himself by a simple sense of duty. Especially when he was being placed in a situation where he was being asked to consider a situation that would place himself in greater potential harm.

His request was more than a sense of duty, it was a sense of belonging. Even after being under her care for so long and having a preconceived notion of how he should have approached her, he had taken hold of a moment of being happy and he had grown the will necessary to fight for it. He did not have the Eva unit at his side for such a claim, rather he was willing to face a very adult situation and place the responsibility of it on himself despite his age.

It all started from that night where Shinji allowed himself to extend his quills and place himself so dangerously close to Misato. He not only took on the chance to allow himself to be harmed by coming closer to her, he came to retroactively find himself drawn to what pain he was inflicted. The great fear of coming closer to someone was now replaced with the fear of being unable to bring himself closer to that display of quills to impale him.

There was no other way Shinji could imagine he could express these feelings other than to bring himself into the embrace that seemed to unite him with Misato ever since. Even as the one who tried to build the foundation for this relationship, Misato showed moments of hesitation that left Shinji wondering if he was doing anything right on his end. This fear that took hold of him earlier that night forced him to decide there was only one way that he would have been able to make sure that Misato would continue to be the one still open to approaching him and offering that same mutual embrace that freed him from his grief.

The struggle in Misato was no longer in attempting to remove herself from Shinji's hold, it was now in the request to fulfill a promise that she thought she would have been asking for. Opening her eyes and returning the embrace Shinji had with her, Misato answered, "Yes. Yes to both Shinji."

Shinji felt himself slacken at the answer as he asked, "Did I ask for something else?"

Misato smiled when she placed a kiss on his cheek and told him, "Your chance to make it right for me."

There was little else exchanged between Shinji and Misato that night as they made their way to her bedroom and slowly discarded their clothes to the ground. Misato found herself amazed that Shinji was not so reluctant to show off his naked form to her as he once was, wondering if the first experience they had together was actually enough to make him easy with the idea of being in front of her. Such a question was not important in the moment however when the two brought themselves down into each other's gentle embrace.

Before Shinji had a chance to take the lead with what knowledge he had prior, he felt Misato bring a hand to his shaft and lightly push him up to stand on his knees in front of her. Before Shinji could ask what, she was doing, Misato told him, "We'll get ourselves ready the right way this time."

Before Shinji had a chance to ask what she meant, Misato bent down in front of him and brought her head in between his knees. The motion left Shinji confused by what she was doing and only found himself more confused as she brought her lips to the tip of his penis before taking it into her mouth entirely. Just when he thought he saw the most unusual of the act, Misato began to use her tongue to wander from the tip to along the length of his shaft before motioning her head back leaving a trail of saliva behind.

Shinji was left in a state of shock when he realized what he was being brought to experience. He little knowledge of what oral sex was supposed to be and it brought about a different sensation he did not anticipate. It felt similar to the last two times he slept with Misato but in a more spacious opening and with her tongue as an occupant. Remembering that her teeth were so close to her lips as well sent a shiver down Shinji's spine when he began to fear if Misato would accidentally bite down.

He could not tell if it was because of this fear or if it was because of the pressure building within his penis, but the sensation quickly became enough that it forced him to fall on his back and let out a soft moan when he felt the strokes of Misato's mouth continue. Instead of being offered a release however, Misato removed her mouth from around Shinji's shaft and gave it a soft blow with her breath. The sudden breeze caused Shinji to shiver again but struggled to keep himself up as he was denied his release.

A few seconds passed before he heard Misato ask, "That's another first for you huh? How about you give me the same?"

When Shinji heard the offer he asked, "You mean like you did?"

Misato leaned on her back when she spread her legs in front of him and told him, "A bit different. You probably have the right idea though."

Shinji looked in between Misato's legs when he tried to imagine how he was going to return the favor for what he received. In front of him was one of the few clear sights of Misato's vagina he had the opportunity to see as it waited for his approach. Assured that he would at least be able to avoid the same danger that he briefly thought of when Misato offered the same application, Shinji approached her on his fours and brought his lips down to the lower regions between her legs.

Unsure what he was supposed to do, the simple placement of his lips against her entrance gave Misato a sight of Shinji attempting to replicate the idea of what he experienced but had little indication what he should do. The closest thing he would have supposed was her clitoris, but its smaller size would have given Shinji a bad idea how he was supposed to approach. Being asked to be the one offering instruction was a different idea for Misato but had a little assurance that she would be successful as long as the two of them cooperated.

Taking a short breath, Misato advised, "Stick your tongue out. Just let it in."

There was hesitancy on Shinji's part, but Misato soon felt him accomplish what he was tasked with. She felt Shinji slither his tongue in between her folds before hesitation kept him from advancing any further. With such a slow start, Misato struggled to keep herself from trying to take command of Shinji's action before finally feeling his slow advance offer the intrusion she expected.

Keeping his head in between her legs, Shinji brought his tongue in between her folds as far as he could before retracting it and raising his head away from her entrance. Misato looked up to check how he was doing before seeing him instinctually scrape his teeth against his tongue but struggling to keep himself from spitting. He kept his head down for a few seconds before finally forcing himself to swallow as though he tasted a food he did not care for.

It was easy for Misato to come to conclude what Shinji was experiencing when she asked, "Doesn't taste that good does it?"

Shinji lingered before asking, "Is it supposed to be like that?"

Misato nodded, "It's an acquired taste." She laid on her back when she offered Shinji a view of her naked form. It was the only gesture Shinji needed as it motivated him to crawl towards Misato and position himself above her. He paused as he looked into her eyes to see her waiting for him below, prepared for what she knew would happen next.

Despite her preparation, Shinji was hesitant when he considered where he was in this moment. It was not the first time that he allowed himself to be naked in front of Misato, but it was the first time he did so without being prepared to take her without asking.

The hesitation between the two made Misato ask, "Is something wrong?"

Shinji answered by stating, "I never thought you would want this."

Misato placed a hand to Shinji's check when she told him, "Honestly, I didn't know I did."

The answer was a cryptic one but sounded like something Shinji would have reasoned to himself as well. It was a struggle that he found himself unable to answer or even feel comfortable in bringing up to Misato despite how close the two of them had become. The closeness the two offered one another was meant to be the bridge that would make them continue to be honest with one another and yet the struggle to do so continued to become a more difficult one with each passing day. The confusion at the front door of Misato's apartment was the most apparent example Shinji remembered when he realized this difficulty becoming more apparent.

The complex nature of their willingness to inflict pain upon one another was not only a baffling one for many an observer, but the minds of the participants as well. They were still a pair of hedgehog s that allowed themselves to come closer and closer to one another despite having allowed themselves to be scarred by each experience. What was supposed to scare both of them away from one another was instead an outcome they had both come to expect and accept.

The attempt to comfort her after Kaji's death, the decision to change their lifestyle, her attempt to comfort him after Rei's supposed death, their second date, and now here. After so many times of allowing themselves to face the hardships that came from life, there was a growing constant behind many of them. Yet here and now, Shinji and Misato found themselves accepting the embrace of one another.

This sort of contemplation only endured for a finite amount of time before Shinji was reminded that both him and Misato were poised to enter the embrace of one another again. It took Misato's initiative of wrapping her arms around Shinji's back and denying him the opportunity to break away before they were reminded of the intention that brought them together. Being brought into the embrace became the only gesture Shinji needed before he prepared himself to make the next motions he was being nonverbally asked to make.

Positioning his pelvis right above Misato's he felt the tip of his penis press against the lips of her vagina and in a swift motion connected himself with her again. Unlike the last two times, Shinji felt himself enter Misato more easily as their fluids allowed her vagina to accept him into her. Even with the ease of entry, Shinji still shook as he felt the warmth bring its way around his shaft while Misato's embrace brought his chest to her breasts. What once intimidated him however was now simply another sensation that signaled him to begin.

Shinji pulled his pelvis away from Misato before feeling his shaft exposed to the air before forcing himself inside again. Each second that passed became another alternation where Shinji pulled himself back and pushed himself forward, meeting with Misato's pelvis to give way to the sound of their skin connecting. Neither one of them had words left to offer as they continued to writhe in one another's embrace this time without any attempt at discomfort or demonstrating domination of one another.

Despite such a mighty embrace between the two, it was now a moment of compassion for one another as they entangled each other in a single mound writhing on Misato's futon. It was one of the most comforting moments Shinji ever had as he allowed himself to be lost in the sensation of his shaft penetrating Misato and have virtually nothing else to concern himself with. The repetition of allowing his penis to slide in and out of her was a simple motion that provided him with a sensation that he never knew he could feel before and craved to make it last as long as he could. The struggle of his desire to continue thrusting at a rapid pace while trying to savor what was offered to him became one of the few inner conflicts he felt willing to accept.

The restraint became a different story for Misato as she kept her arms crossed across Shinji's back and moved her hips to meet with his. The heat within her continuing to build with each collision and an occasional moan escaping her lips. She allowed herself to be content within the embrace and the continued motions that penetrated her while briefly realizing how different the intent between her and him had become.

The intensity of such a union made Misato confirm how sincere Shinji was in what he was looking for through this union. He wanted to make it clear that he had no intention to ever take control of her, only to be there for her when he never was before. In this union of using his the two of them exposing one another to the pain again, Shinji and Misato were given the respite they never believed to be within their grasp.

Such an embrace only proved to be a moment however as time passed and Shinji felt himself continuing to thrust himself into her and increase his rapidity. Instead of his desire to dominate her, it was all a sense of growing desire for the release he had felt twice before. Whatever worries he had about losing Misato's approval was gone as he continued to build his thrusting while a rush of ecstasy rushed through his mind.

Misato felt the rapid thrusts of Shinji's hips continuing to meet with hers and struggled to keep herself from losing her thoughts completely to the intensity of the union. The sincere desire of Shinji to make her feel better was being fused with his desire to feel the release while she struggled to keep herself from giving her own. Try as she might to hold it back, the growing heat and the intensity of the thrusts became more of a struggle for her.

The struggle the two had was undone when Misato felt the inner walls of her vagina began to tighten around Shinji's penis and release an eruption of fluid from her canal. The initial few moments of her release were a struggle for her to keep her head clear but realized how little of a time frame she had to offer her warning. Misato let out a yelp at the release, "Sh-Shinji!"

Shinji denied the opportunity to hear whatever Misato was about to say as he gave one final thrust into her and groaned as he achieved the peak that he was searching for. Deep within Misato's warm canal, Shinji's organ was surrounded by the flesh and fluids of her walls as it was squeezed for every ounce of himself that he shot into her. Remaining buried within her, Shinji pressed himself against Misato's chest while pulling her close to him by wrapping his arms around her as his intention to remind her who she established her union with.

Neither of them kept count of how long they allowed their climaxes to kept them from opening their eyes, but Shinji and Misato were both offered a chance to appreciate what they had achieved. One burst after another shot its way into Misato's core before she found herself being wrapped once again in the overwhelming bliss of receiving Shinji's essence placing itself within her again. This time without the ill intent but now the ultimate temptation that she had unwittingly given herself to when she had different intentions from the start.

So much had been achieved this night and yet when Shinji opened his eyes to see Misato catching her breath from the union they had just achieved, he could not imagine how he was supposed to follow up on this. He looked down at her and felt a sense of confusion from what he had just achieved. In his pursuit of achieving a similar release to that first night, in seeking to confirm he was still in Misato's good graces, he found himself questioning what he hoped in this moment.

As much as he could not comprehend what he had just accomplished this night, Misato opened her eyes to see Shinji looking down on her in the aftermath of their union together. The initial thrill of allowing Shinji to release himself within her was lost as she realized what she was unable to keep herself from subjecting herself to. Both remaining lost in a conflict of wondering what allowing themselves to be subject to what seemed to be little more than surrendering to their pent-up desires offered little else than to confirm where they were now.

Shinji was kept arms to both sides of Misato as he looked down at her and questioned what the purpose of allowing himself to revel in his most recent union with her was. He approached her with the intent of making it clear that she did not belong to him or the other way around only to find that such a desire demanded more of his attention than he believed necessary. There should have been a simple way for him to express his gratitude for what he was feeling but struggled to find the words that would have assured her that he valued everything she did for him. The longer he lingered what the cause was, the less sure he was if it was a sense of fear that stopped him from saying anything or if he was too tired to say another word.

The reaction the two had to one another was ultimately unresolved as Shinji kept his arms around Misato and leaned his chin on her shoulder. Misato could not bring herself to protest the embrace as she felt Shinji's body remain fixated on hers and felt her eyes grow heavy with the aftermath of their sexual union. What should have been a calm afterglow was instead a stark reminder of what she would have to deal with the first thing in the morning.

Misato turned her head to see the small table next to the door into her bedroom when she thought to herself, "Good thing I planned ahead this time…"

With nothing else to command her attention, Misato let out another breath before she leaned her head back on her pillow and allowed herself the opportunity to take the sleep that Shinji was already allowing himself to enjoy. Both content in the slumber they would have that night but still shaken by the few lingering threads that remained to be answered when they woke up. Such was the unfortunate repetition that both of them were forced to endure as they accepted what they would have once they woke up the next day. How much living through days such as this one was worth to them remained to be the one question that neither of them were yet prepared to reveal to one another.

A/N: I ended up focusing a lot on the lemon portion this time, honestly because only offering two lemons for this story felt a little uneven. Yeah, there will be more but I don't intend to make them become the focus or anything. There is still a bigger story going on, I figured scattering moments like these just felt right since this story is turning out a lot longer and big in scope than I anticipated it would be.

I hope this moment of bliss between these two can be seen as a reward for dedicated readers making it this far. I plan on adding another chapter in another two weeks, rest assured that I do have one prepared. Hopefully there will be satisfying plot progression next time.