The Language of Masoch

by QUICKM33MZ2005

The Hedgehog's Dilemma dictates that despite the intention of a reciprocal relationship, it may not occur for reasons that two individuals cannot avoid. Despite good will, human intimacy cannot occur without substantial mutual harm, and what results is cautious behavior and weak relationships. (Warning: VERY slow fic. Also serious adult themes and lemons. Bondage not in story.)

17. Could the Truth Never Be Hidden?

Chapter 17: Could the Truth Never Be Hidden?

The day after the battle against Iblis had ended, Shinji was left to wonder if Misato's report about Asuka was going to be true. Since she was tasked with recovering in NERV itself for the night of her fully determined recovery, neither of Shinji nor Misato had the chance to see firsthand how she was now. The evening after however was about to reveal everything that had accumulated at this point.

Despite the ease her roommates could feel at the idea that Asuka was supposedly saved from the depression that threatened to overwhelm her, Shinji could not help but wonder how this would change everything. The idea reminded him of how after helping her defeat the Angel Gaghiel on the ocean that she came to live with him under Misato's roof. Life was unfortunately not so simple anymore with the changed relationship Shinji now had with Misato.

Fear of what her reaction would be to discovering such a revelation kept back much of the enthusiasm Shinji had for the moment he was going to see Asuka again. The Rei Ayanami he once knew was gone but this reunion was about to be an entirely different encounter. Being placed in front of him was a challenge to his life that he could only pray against all odds would somehow not upend his life to be worse than it was.

Misato could not read Shinji's mind but felt his hold of her hand tremble as the two waited in the parking lot of NERV headquarters. There was once a time where she would have teased him about meeting face to face with someone who left him with mixed feelings at most times. Knowing everything that had changed since their commitment to one another began however, she knew Shinji had every reason to expect that life was not going to progress the way he would hope.

If there was any indication she should have been worried about, the fact that his stench ratio test earlier that day showed less promising results than usual was enough to make her wonder what was rushing through his mind. Just by contrast, Asuka was reported to have results already surpassing Kaworu. Misato could not decide if Shinji was more afraid of meeting Asuka's judgement or whatever else she might use to dismiss him but knew it would be a challenge he was not looking forward to.

She was made to assume the worst as she asked, "Are you scared Shinji?"

Her suspicion was confirmed as Shinji looked at the ground below and forced himself to ask, "What if... she finds out about... us?"

Misato return the grasp as she told him, "We've been careful so far, haven't we? We just have to rethink how we act around each other."

It was the most assurance Shinji could get before he would once again have Asuka in his life. She walked as though she had never struggled to free herself from the grasp of NERV before, but her gaze was another matter entirely. She did not have the same blank expression as Rei did but did not come off as though she was trying to do an impression either. The fiery and proud Asuka Langley Soryu Shinji and Misato knew was not among them.

As she stepped through the doors, Misato greeted, "Hi Asuka. Ready to go home?"

'What do you think you bitch?! What you did to me is unforgivable!'

Knowing Asuka for as long as he did, this was an approximation of what Shinji expected to hear as an answer. Being locked in a mysterious room with three women of NERV who did not reach out to others much left many to speculate what was happening to her. If she came out the same person she used to be alive, he knew Asuka would demand to know what caused her to be handled the way she was.

Not hearing this proclamation was the first indication to both of them that Asuka had come out of her holding a very different person than she used to be. The fact it was unheard as she yelled this out to then was even alarming to herself. These were the thoughts that commanded her but the ultimate terror came in the fact that she could not bring herself to say a word of it or even hint it was her inner thoughts.

In the instant these thoughts rushed through her mind, Asuka looked at both Shinji and Misato blankly and she tried to register who she was meeting. While she was familiar with Misato, the sight of the boy across from her triggered another reaction entirely. A reaction that once brought about derision by now instead brought out a sense of belonging. Just as Kaworu claimed before, the one who proclaimed his affections for her.

Realizing he was right in front of her made Asuka instantly change her blank look to an enthusiastic smile before leaping out and proclaiming, "Shinji!"

The action was one of the last things both Shinji and Misato did not expect. Gratitude to see someone greet her? And from two people she at best begrudgingly had respect for before? Do much that she would throw her arms around Shinji to proclaim her happiness? This could not have been the Asuka they were expecting to come back to.

Misato was at a loss for how she should have reacted but managed to ask, "Asuka? Are you okay?"

'I am not! Get me out of here! Get me out or I will kick your ass!'

"Of course. I'm just happy to be with my Shinji again." Asuka answered as she rubbed her cheek against Shinji in her embrace.

'Him? Him?! What am I doing to myself?! Why can't I stop this?! Have some respect for yourself for once and hurt me Shinji! Please!'

Unable to hear the request struggling to free itself from the back of her mind, Shinji was left as confused as ever to why Asuka acted this way. The greatest fear of all coming from how this sort of display came off to Misato as she was tasked with such a sight. Terror shot its way up his spine as he considered the possibilities of what was occurring now.

Unknowingly, Shinji fulfilled Asuka's request by placing his hands in her shoulders and separating from her embrace. With the space afforded to him, Shinji asked, "Asuka you're acting funny. We just wanted you back."

'See? You see it too, right? I hate this! I hate you both! Let me out of here!'

As the thought rang its way through her head, Asuka stared at Shinji for a few seconds before telling him, "But Shinji I wanted to be with you again. Don't you want to hug and kiss me like you deserve?"

The suggestion sent a chill down Shinji's spine. There was not a hint of sarcasm in Asuka's tone as he had come to expect, and disturbingly enough wish would return. Asuka was here offering herself to him in ways he never would have expected in reality. Completely devoid of the clear illusion of her question when he was in the core of Unit-01 and removed from the nonchalance the night they had their first kiss together, an entirely new nightmare was unfolding in front of Shinji.

Asuka was completely unaffected by the look of surprise Shinji had as he heard this question but still felt another part of her mind bang to proclaim, 'That's right you dummkopf! You don't deserve me! Not even a little!'

Misato stepped in between the two of them to remind, "Listen Asuka, I get it. You're happy to be out of there. But we're going to take you home now."

Desperate to free himself of the situation, Shinji made his way for the passenger seat of Misato's car and agreed, "Yeah, I'm making dinner and you can fix your room."

Seeing him make his way for the other side of the car made Asuka pout as she asked, "Shinji? You're making me sit alone?"

Desperate to hide the fear he had for being accused any further, Shinji went to the first reason he could think of, "Miss Misato misses a lot of turns, I have to make sure she doesn't miss any!"

'So nothing's changed huh? You're both too high maintenance to do anything yourselves? Why don't you just tell the truth and tell me you enjoy getting a handjob from her while she drives? At least tell me you can't stand that I'm here to tear you both apart again!'

Asuka accepted the reason while enduring the scream in her head, "Okay fine... But I'm going to cuddle and kiss you all night when we get home."

The scolding the back of Asuka's mind wanted to give the two of them was against all odds contained as she made her way to the back seat. Although he was spared the danger of revealing how much things had changed in her absence, Shinji could still feel the chill of being face to face with a completely different Asuka than he was used to. The girl who was distraught at the news of Ryoji Kaji's death could not have been here to greet either of her roommates.

He was reminded further just how difficult the situation was as he felt Misato take hold of his hand to remind him to be ready to leave. It was a gesture that reminded him he not only had a sudden change to deal with but had something to keep intact despite it. The display Asuka had just given w is s enough to make Shinji fear how Misato was going to accept such a development.

Shinji tried to explain himself, "Miss Misato..."

Misato shook her head as she entered the driver's side and told him, "It's okay, we'll talk about back home."

The drive back to Misato's apartment left Shinji thankful that he had a brief respite but as he had come to expect by now, that period was immediately followed up with being face to face with what was troubling him. At least this was what Asuka tried to make possible the moment she, Shinji, and Misato sat down for dinner. Although he had the luxury of sitting next to Misato, Shinji had Asuka sitting across from him while she held her chin in her hands while looking at him longingly as though she was the focus of Kaji again.

The conversation the three had eventually progressed to the point where Misato asked, "So when did you and Shinji officially get together anyway?"

'When do you think?! Never! I'm not a weak little shrimp like him!'

"The night we shared our first kiss together of course. When else is the best time?"

Shinji pointed out the great inconsistency in the recollection, "But Asuka, you said you were bored and that you didn't like it."

'No shit! Now just hit me already!'

Asuka laughed before telling him, "Oh Shinji I was in a bad mood was all. I wasn't seeing things right. I know you wouldn't kiss me if you didn't care about me. That's why you did it."

Jealousy? How did she allow herself to feel this? Misato knew that Asuka was exactly the type of girl Shinji should have an interest in. She should have been the affection of his eye not her. And yet the reminder of where she was now was all she needed to discover the root of what stirred this feeling in her.

Shinji was her boyfriend and supposedly was never successful in obtaining the favor of either girl he should have been interested in. Rei was a longshot and Asuka seemed to be an even greater challenge to break through to. Especially if Shinji was telling the truth about what caused it and what happened afterwards.

The worst of it all came from when Misato realized how she was thinking of Shinji in this moment. She wasn't seeing him as a boy who was lost and confused in a chaotic time, she was seeing him as a man her age. She was placing expectations that could potentially undo what little happiness he now had. She knew this was the reality and yet she still felt right in placing the expectation of him being dedicated to her. She would not allow her goodwill and weaknesses to reward her with further pain than she wanted to feel.

Asuka kept a friendly smile as she tilted her head towards Shinji while waiting in the brief second for a response. This facade she continued to display was on full display as the recesses of her mind were kept from being unleashed. The kind that would have completely changed the mood of the conversation had it been revealed.

Deep within her mind, Asuka knew there was reason to be curious why Shinji appeared to readily keep himself close to Misato. He did see her as an adult but only seldom in her experience did Asuka ever see him so ready to trust her. She remembered the comment she made Shinji receiving a handjob from Misato in the car as a throwaway insult that would have unsettled him but suddenly became a more real concern the longer the silence between the three of them lingered.

'Don't tell me...'

Misato felt herself walking on a thin line as she tried to understand what sort of person Asuka had become. If she was able to hear the suspicion in the back of Asuka's mind, she doubtless would have felt herself being further forced into a corner. Right now, she found herself competing with Asuka for the affections of someone she never should have been interested in.

Trying to maintain her position as the adult of the household, Misato continued the conversation, "Those other parts though. Did you really just do it because you were... bored?"

'And stupid! Get that through your head already!'

Asuka giggled before dismissing, "Maybe I was, but who cares? I love Shinji and he loves me. Why can't I be with him?"

Misato turned to see Shinji looking down at his food with hesitation to take any large bites. Just as she was familiar with seeing him do before, he was looking at a situation involving people that intimidated him and tried to keep himself out of a conflict. The punchline of it however? That he was trying to avoid being reached out to by someone who wanted to give her complete and unconditional adoration. The fact that he had gone so far with her left Misato wondering what was the exact thing that could have caused this situation to happen.

Misato returned her gaze to Asuka before explaining, "Asuka, listen. Shinji was really worried he would lose you forever and he... did things he's not comfortable sharing with you about."

Asuka pouted, "He can share anything with me."

'Is NERV seriously going to kick you out for that? Do they even have standards?'

Misato thought about what she could reveal before managing to explain, "There's adult things that... you shouldn't have to hear about until you're older. I know it sounds like a cop out but... there's just some things you wouldn't be able to understand right now."

Asuka leaned forward with her face soured as she asked, "Well how can Shinji understand them?"

'He can't seriously be giving you head right now can he?! He doesn't even have a penis! That must be all he can do!'

Misato cleared her throat before answering, "Because he... found out the hard way."

'AAAAAAAARGH!'

Asuka starred at Misato as she tried to process how to accept the situation. The most awkward conversation the three ever had together proved to be one of the most significant as well. Misato struggling to be the responsible guardian while keeping her desires at bay, Shinji realizing the minefield that was being laid out in front of him in an instant, Asuka struggling to even maintain coherent strings of thought only to give responses no one had ever met her believed likely.

The long silence finally ended as Asuka sighed before accepting, "You would help me if I came to you wouldn't you Miss Misato?"

Hearing the honorific from Asuka was enough to make Misato hesitate to answer. Clearing her throat again she agreed, "Of course Asuka... Girl talk and all... You'll be talking to Shinji soon enough."

'Yeah! Clear out the abspritzen before you can chug down another helping you whore!'

Overhearing the conversation left Shinj afraid to make another step as he realized what sort of danger was threatening him. Much to his relief it seemed Misato was able to steer him from having to traverse the minefield in front of him as the remainder of dinner passed with minimal protest. It was at the end of that period that Asuka reluctantly left the table to prepare for sleep that night accepting that Shinji and Misato were about to exchange a serious conversation together. Relief was temporary as Shinj felt himself being freed of one danger and wondering if he was being forced to endure another entirely.

Remaining seated next to one another, Misato worked up the will to ask, "So Shinji, when did you and Asuka... have your first kiss?"

It was indeed out of one minefield and into another. It was only logical to assume that Misato was jealous of the idea that despite being his first time sleeping with a woman, she was possibly not the first one to claim his affections. He knew this sort of danger could come around to bite him in the end and it was either choose to endure it or trip and possibly fall on a mine that would explode beneath him. If he was familiar with how Misato approached him before, he knew there would be nowhere for him to run other than towards her and her awaiting jaws.

Accepting there was nowhere else to run, Shinji tried to think back to how far the night Asuka recollected before answering, "It was... before that... black and white Angel I think."

Misato remembered the Angel Shinji was referring to and used it as a means to keep him focused on answering her inquiries, "So a while ago. And what did you think since then?"

Shinji shook his head as he recollected the aftermath of one of Asuka's impulse decisions. In retrospect he found himself wondering what he was hoping to achieve in reaching out to her that way himself. He wasn't sure if he would ever have romantic feelings for Asuka before and struggled to imagine how he could have been in this predicament now.

With nothing but the truth to address his fears, Shinji ventured his step forward, "I thought it was... well... I didn't really think much of it I guess."

"Pretty common reaction from you isn't it?"

Despite having the intent of a joke behind it, Shinji felt his first bite and was forced to endure what he created for himself. Try to rationalize it all he could, there were no other options that let him think he was going to avoid bringing harm to himself if he answered any other way. He was stuck in a field and caught between two sources of pain. Neither of which were desirable for him.

With no option of where to run or free himself of the questioning, Shinji gave the best clarification he thought was acceptable, "I thought it was weird how she acted but I didn't think she would end up saying she... loved me or anything."

"And you didn't know how bad her situation was at the time? That she was starting to have trouble with her synch ratios as it was?"

"Well... after Rei saved her that one time I probably should have noticed."

Misato brought a hand under her chin as she added, "You said all of that happened and she's still trying to come on to you. It just doesn't seem to make sense."

And there came the next bite. Shinji maneuvered around a mine but found himself stepping to another one. Possibly even closer than the previous one and forced to feel the fangs of hindsight remind him of his attempt to reach out to Asuka that day only to be rewarded with scolding.

It was that contrast that served as an epicenter of confusion for him. Was this the reason he feared Asuka's change in behavior? Being forced in a situation where he ended up reaching out to Misato before ultimately giving himself to her had such a different outcome.

Such a comparison made him feel shame as the hindsight clarified what he might have subconsciously hoped would happen. That his reach out to Asuka would be the final key he needed to move on from the night that he tried to forget what was only a few weeks ago. That he might finally have had the strength to reach out to another individual only to be denied so harshly only to make himself return to where he first received actual praise for his reach.

The bite sank even deeper as he realized what brought him here in the first place. The reminder of Misato taking hold of his hand. How it was followed by the pent-up frustration of having lied to her before and then trying to create the perfect foundation for her to never touch him again. All of it only to find it managing to strengthen the bond the two shared to the point of becoming a secret couple.

This reminder became enough to make Shinji wonder what Misato's real intentions might have been. It was supposed to make him feel stronger now that he could rely on someone who would try to improve upon his life. What was supposed to be a notion he once feared becoming the harm that would undo him had slowly without Shinji's notice became a development he would do anything to not lose.

This mess of thought became the foundation Shinji used to explain, "Please Miss Misato, you have to believe me. I'm as confused as you are."

Shinji was spared this time as Misato sighed, "I guess you are being honest, aren't you? It doesn't seem like you tried to have a secret relationship or anything, but I can't be everywhere or control everything."

Shinji held back his desperation to emphasize his earlier point as he told her, "I'm really telling the truth though."

This time it was Misato who allowed herself to feel the shame as she looked at the surface of the table and admitted, "It sounds like you're honest at least. I really should trust you better than this."

The matter seemed to end and Shinji believed he was no longer walking the minefield. Assuming that he was completely victorious over Misato's suspicion seemed wrong however if it was the predecessor to making her feel the sort of guilt that he was feeling a little while ago. He could not appreciate the idea that he was potentially putting someone through the same sort of pain he was forced to endure.

Shinji managed the will to place a hand in Misato's shoulder to imitate the sort of comfort she usually gave him before telling her, "I'm... glad you... do."

"What do you think? You're ready to go running back to Asuka now?"

The minefield was still stretching out. What he hoped was the end in sight instead became the beginning of another long trek across potential dangers that could bring him to unimaginable harm. And he was forced to continue onwards with the weight of Misato upon him towards two possible destinations.

One towards the suggestion of Asuka, another towards uncertainty where he would continue to carry Misato. And behind him, the encompassing darkness that followed behind him at every angle he could imagine. Where he was supposed to go, what would be the best choice for him to take, he could not muster any semblance of what the best choice for him would be.

Hesitant to make another step, Shinji tried to understand where the question came from, "Wh-What? What gave you that idea?"

He was reminded of what Misato believed would be the outcome of this union as she answered, "It's like I told you, you'd be running back to Asuka soon enough. It seems like the perfect point. If you think you're done with me, I understand."

Shinji was past the point of measuring how deep each bite Misato made in her reminder. Was she honest with herself? She really wanted to see Shinji march towards Asuka and simply leave her behind? This could not have been the outcome she wanted, and Shinji began to doubt the path towards Asuka was a choice he even wanted to make.

The memories of impaling himself on Misato's quills of his own choice. The changes it did to him and the few people he considered to be friends. The simple portrayal of an Asuka who could not have possibly been herself. Whatever foundation there was for him to see Asuka as any easier or better than where he was now was hazy for him to determine at best.

It was this hesitancy that made Shinji desperate to find a counterargument that he denied, "But Misato I don't want to be around her. Not like this."

The denial captured Misato's interest as she tried to understand what sort of step Shini was making before asking, "You really don't?"

What was supposed to be a display of confusion was instead Misato bearing her fangs to him as she tried to understand where he was coming from. He hesitated to answer but finally managed to confess his fears, "That can't... that can't be her, can it? Why does she keep talking like she always liked me? How am I supposed to be okay with her acting like this?"

"I don't know what you don't like about it. She's your age and she wants to be around you with no strings attached. Asuka is basically your ideal girl now."

What was meant to be a point was instead another sinking of Misato's fangs that made Shinji flinch at the points being directed to him. Being told that what seemed to be a bad parody of the girl she once was being the one he should have been reaching out to seemed like an ignorant suggestion at best and a callous condemnation at worst. The thought that being dragged into a relationship that sounded so nightmarish on deep reflection stiffened him and made him struggle to not take a misstep onto a nearby mine.

He remained fixated on the table surface as he shook his head and told Misato, "No she isn't. That's not Asuka. She's not real. She can't be. She never would have acted like this before."

He kept his head hanging as he prepared for Misato to double down on her earlier claim. Prior experiences seemed predetermined to make sure that what he actually wanted out of life would never be his and it seemed Misato was ready to let him go. He knew the possibility would be there the moment he agreed to be her boyfriend but only now realized he might have been the one preparing to deny her if things became any worse. In retrospect it seemed as though he never allowed himself to be ready for standing against what he believed Misato was wrong about and it would likely end the connection that he was accommodating himself with her on.

Shinji found himself receiving a little relief as Misato agreed with his ultimate concern, "She did change a lot, didn't she?"

Careful not to lose focus in his steps, Shinji hoped he was saying the right thing by turning his face to Misato's and adding, "I don't want to be with someone who won't be who they really are."

Misato placed her arms onto the table as she placed her head on her arms and countered with a detached tone, "That's a lot to expect from people. You might have better luck striking on your own if that's what you want."

And he saw where that trail would take him. Out of the minefield but out of the warm embrace of the sun. Into a void of nothingness that would consume him worse than any bite the creature Misato might have been.

There was a time he believed every fiber of his being would have warned against stepping away from the nigh incomprehensible night he once might have stepped into but hesitated as soon as another reminder kicked in. The warmth of the sun. The increasingly scarce feeling of happiness that came from turning away from the darkness and allowing himself to feel something else entirely. How bearing one instant of pain after another led him to feeling as though his life might have been better than what it once was.

The doubts he had about continuing down the path of possible destruction were gradually silenced as he thought about the instances of happiness he had in allowing himself to approach Misato. She was not the beast; she was the sun. Her embrace becoming the solace he never thought he would earn.

Desperation to never lose that light again summoned a will to counter what was being suggested to him, "But you don't hide anything from me Miss Misato. I want it to stay that way."

Turning to face Shinji with interest in his proclamation as she asked, "I'm still the one you want huh?"

There lay the question. Just what Shinji wanted out of life. The past few weeks he shared with Misato seemed to have clarified to him just what he was hoping to take out of life. He had been given small glimpses of what such an alternative to life was giving him and he wanted it for himself. If necessary, he would even say the three words he hoped would solidify his bond to Misato for the remainder of his life. Doing so would not be a simple step however, it would be the mightiest leap he could imagine.

Preparing himself to make that escape from the minefield he stood in, he told her, "I... just want to be with you."

Seeing such a progression of Shinji made Misato smile weakly before telling him, "Sure is different to hear that from you."

"Am I wrong?"

"For a change I'm hearing what you want. This should be the setup of a God damn joke but here we are. I just hope you understand it means taking all the luggage along with it."

Misato was no longer a creature. She was a fellow human being lost in the same minefield that Shinji was standing in. The same field that he believed life was and she was just as lost and scared as he was. The two saw each other and they were closer than ever despite whatever parts of themselves might have brought bodily harm to each other.

Attempting to make himself sound sure of his decision, Shinji accepted, "We got this far right? We just need to keep it the way it is."

Placing her arms on his shoulders, Misato's face became sterner as she reminded, "You have a lot more life ahead of you than me Shinji. But sticking with me means a lot of adult commitments. I've been treating you like one because... well, you're in the middle of one right now."

Bringing his hands to her elbows, Shinji attempted to continue with the air of assurance he managed to take before, "If I knew I would end up here, I really wouldn't have done that with Asuka."

"I know I shouldn't expect you to save yourself for me only. Unless you had some wet dreams about me, you probably never even thought about this happening."

"Miss Misato, I don't look at you that way."

"I sure hope you know how to pick your words Shinji. Because I really care about making this work."

"So do I..."

"Then stop being passive about this. Remind me you care."

It was here. This was the moment Shinji needed to finally free himself of the field he was in and bring himself into what he believed was the end of sorrow. The promise was there for a moment before a mine erupted in the distance.

"Miss Misato? Aren't you and Shinji done yet?" Asuka whined.

Shinji and Misato turned to see Asuka waiting in the nearby hallway and caused them to jerk away from each other. Back in the real world and without any allusions to what was happening, they were forced to put their recent development to the side and return their focus to what neither wanted to consider to be an obstacle. Even remaining as sympathetic as possible towards her, they were forced to admit that neither could entirely tell how they felt about Asuka's change of character.

Rubbing her eyes and clearing her throat, Misato answered, "I'm... I'm sorry Asuka. Shinji had a lot to get out."

'I doubt that...'

"Miss Misato, it's almost bedtime and we need to be ready in case there is an Angel attack. Can't I at least sleep in Shinji's bed for the night like we did before?"

No longer able to be surprised by Asuka's change of character, Misato found herself wondering just what she was suggesting now. She found part of an answer as she turned to Shinji hearing him ask, "Y-y... you remember that?"

Asuka giggled as she confirmed, "Of course I do. We could have had our first kiss together in bed like a real couple if you weren't so shy then."

'And dead. And everyone better for it.'

Desperate to keep his distance from being encroached, Shinji told her, "Asuka I really... I'm just not used to seeing you like this. I don't know if... I can be okay with this..."

'You're already used to how easy she is huh?'

Asuka frowned in disappointment before telling him, "It's fine. I've been a bad girl lately and you need you space. I promise I will try to earn back what we lost though. Goodnight."

The blast that captured the attention of both Shinji and Misato subsided as Asuka made her way to her bedroom. What anticipation the two had in approaching one another was broken and instead became an air of awkwardness. It was not caused from either changing their minds but rather the reminder of who else was in their lives. If they could not begin to make themselves known to someone who even slightly challenged their union, how could they expect it to work around others? Most frightening of all from someone who seemed to out of nowhere proclaim an adoration that was never apparent before.

As Asuka left the two for the night, Misato returned her attention to Shinji as she simply asked, "When did that happen?"

Forced to remember a time that should have been less than significant to him in the moment, Shinji thought back to the Isfrael Angel as he remembered, "That Angel that came after Asuka first came to my school."

The reminder made Misato chuckle as she realized where the recollection came from. Hoping to lighten the mood she asked, "Getting really into practice at the time weren't you?"

The idea was funny to Misato, but Shinji remained hopeful that he would not have to be interrupted again. He thought he was almost out of the field of delusions but was once again bearing the knowledge of just how uninterested life was in his hopes. As soon as he saw Misato stand up, he realized that he would likely be wandering that field of uncertainty for a long time.

Attempting to reestablish a conversation made Shinji ask, "Should we go back to... what we were talking about?"

Misato shook her head as she denied, "No. That's fine Shinji. I believe you. I'm too beat to take any more of this stuff anyway."

Realizing that she was walking further out of his reach for the night, Shinji accepted that he would not have the opportunity to complete the connection to Misato he briefly became passionate about having. The fire that was there before was lost and he saw both Asuka and Misato only hoped for slumber now. It was now abundantly clear that everything they knew this day was being tested in ways they could never imagine and there might have been more enthusiasm for facing another Angel threatening humanity.

Attempting to demonstrate his sincerity, Shinji apologized, "I'm sorry I didn't say anything sooner."

Misato patted Shinji's head as she assured him, "You never thought you'd have to bring it up. It's not your fault."

Shinji could not help but feel guilt at Misato's point before summarizing his own disappointment, "I really thought I was ready for this..."

The sight of Shinji's diminishing spirits became enough to make Misato lean down and place a light kiss on his lips. She smiled before parting, "Nobody ever is. Well, goodnight."

Shinji hesitated to respond but as soon as Misato turned away managed, "Goodnight Miss Misato..."

He was left to himself now on between two women in his life. This was a state Shinji thought he would be long past but here he was allowing himself to be conflicted between two women he cared about. The difference being between one woman who was twice his age but had gone so far with her to have slept with her a few times and the other being just a girl who was ready to proclaim herself being for him.

Such a detail was supposed to have meant nothing to him at this point but remembered where this confusion stemmed from. How was he supposed to be the support Misato needed? He was still weak and afraid of allowing himself to be approached by others. It was safe to argue that he was only in this relationship because Misato was the one who was insistent to be with him. There was no reason for him to assume that he could have been able to make his reach out to her acceptable.

Even if he was unworthy of Misato, he realized how it would have been difficult for him to desire Asuka as well. She was here willing to give herself to him with what she proclaimed without any preconditions but the idea of being with her after such a sudden change just did not make him feel easy. It wouldn't have been considered wrong or awkward for him by society but was left to ask himself if he really wanted to be in a relationship that was not built on anything that seemed immediately tangible.

He recalled his time in the core of Eva Unit-01 and thought back to the illusion of Misato offering to become one body and soul with her. It was a brief time before he remembered his options were not limited to just her. The illusion altering to Asuka was another sight he had to be reminded of. Here he was in the real world and now the two women were seeming to make the same offer to him as they did before in that ominous center.

Shinji could not tell how long he hesitated, but he realized he was still the last one remaining in the kitchen as even Pen Pen had already gone to bed by now. Another day, another unresolved dilemma. Kaworu might have proclaimed that Shinji was in love before, but now he could not tell what he meant. The more he thought about what his two choices were, the more tempting it became for him to consider the solitude he once found to be the best choice for him.

Misato threw herself on her side as she fumed her frustration. In what was potentially an end to all of the tension that held itself over both of them she was forced to accept that she was being forced to wait another day at minimum before she could discover if Shinji had really changed. And despite what his real intentions might have been, an obstacle in the form of Asuka.

"Here I am again... being... this..." Misato knew there was nothing for her to be proud of in this situation. She was a woman seeking the affection of a boy half her age and someone he reached out to before was back in his life.

It was a perfectly normal thing to assume. Despite what Asuka might have been like in person, it only made sense for the two of them to come closer together in some way. She was his age and through hurdles and changes could be the girl meant for him.

Even with such circumstances Misato found herself in she felt reason to hold on to hope for herself. If Shinji was being honest, he never saw Asuka as someone he wanted to be with. He was even as confused by her reach out to him as she was.

And here she was again. Thinking about how much a boy half her age meant to her and it was no longer as simple as being his guardian. She thought she would have been used to the idea by now but instead found herself asking if she was ready for a setting as dire as this one. All of it founded on the reminder of what made her think of him this way in the first place.

"I keep treating him like an adult... and I'm not even acting that part..."

Misato's thoughts were interrupted as she heard her phone ringing near her computer and made her way over to answer it. With her confused thoughts still at bay she greeted, "Who is it?"

"Misato, it's me."

Pleased to hear a friendly voice but more anxious to focus her mind on another subject entirely, Misato leaned back in her chair telling him, "Kyoya? Don't tell me it's urgent."

"Only potentially. Have you received any report in Unit-02's substitute pilot?"

"A little. Only that Ritsuko thinks he's an Angel somehow."

"It seems we have a basis then. Have you seen him do anything out of the ordinary?"

"I don't know about that. He seems to be okay with the other boys and he barely had enough of a synch rate to fight the last Angel."

"That seems right. If he is indeed an Angel, he is playing it safe and not revealing his true self."

Being eluded about the mysterious nature of Kaworu left Misato disappointed that she was nowhere closer to understanding him as she ead to understanding where her troubled relationship was. She kept this frustration to herself as she groaned and asked, "You can't confirm either?"

"I'm in the dark as much as you are Misato. It seems like the heads of NERV know its secrets have been leaked and is taking extra precautions."

Even with what little progress had been done, there was still one wrinkle that Misato could not help but bring out as soon as it came to mind. "If he is an Angel, why hasn't he tried to go after Adam? Why is he helping us?"

The question earned a sigh from Kyoya before he admitted, "My goal is to try and find him alone at some point and find out. It's a longshot but it's all we have now."

"I'm pretty sure I could help you with that. Me being his superior officer and all."

"I don't want you to risk your position Misato. If you can help at all, I'm sure the MAGI technicians will be willing to cooperate and tell you about the developments with the second child."

The request made Misato realize just how deep Kyoya had entered NERV to suggest that such a task be placed on her. How it made her wonder what her three technician friends might have influenced what she was going through. How it changed someone she thought would never be contesting with. "Asuka..." Realizing that she was letting her personal issues cloud her judgment made Misato realize she was losing her focus and blinked before pointing out, "You think they'll be okay with me? And what's important about her anyway?"

Kyoya revealed the main part of his plan as he answered, "I have an insider who is assisting me. If her treatment is what we theorize it could be, we might have grounds to call for a government investigation."

Misato realized the opportunity that would potentially save the human race before it was too late, "And make what they're doing public..."

"Exactly. I promise I will set this right Misato. I only need your cooperation."

"So ask them what they did. Easy enough. You think you'll even get anywhere with Kaworu though? He lives in one of the base quarters."

"You might not see me but I'm there Misato. Just keep working with me and we'll get through this together."

"I'm glad you're still there Kyoya."

"I just hope you'll survive this to the end Misato. You deserve it after... all this."

The hesitation in the last part of Kyoya's statement made Misato wonder what was breaking his enthusiasm for where things were going. She tried to reign him in as she asked, "All what?"

Another few seconds passed before Kyoya simply told her, "I have to go. I will call you again."

Before Misato had a chance to protest, the line between her and Kyoya shut off. Despite having a mission of her own, she discovered how many questions she would have to carefully bring up or risk everything around her. What left her the most confused however was wondering how she was supposed to accept the assignment given to her.

What was she acting out of now? For the good of humanity or the good for herself? Was she simply so desperate to find a way to separate Asuka from Shinji that she would find the first opportunity to send that wedge in between them?

All Misato could tell was that she would have a subject to discuss the first thing in the morning and she was not looking forward to it. Humanity was at stake, and she could not bring herself to appreciate the severity of the situation. It wasn't even severe enough that she should alert Shinji and Asuka despite being two of the best hopes for defeating the Angels.

Between her sorrow and her confusion, Misato recognized one thing recalling the two pilots in her bout of confusion. She made her way to her futon and threw her pillow over her head desperate to free herself from the confines of the outside world and retreat into slumber for a number of hours. Despite the presence of Kyoya and Shinji being there to support her, the fact that neither of them were lacking the desire to approach her made her have to remain alone and to herself with what seemed to only be a sliver of hope for tomorrow.

Neither Shinji nor Misato could hear each other's thought in their dreams. This fueled the great sense of helplessness the back of Asuka's mind was forced to bear. Her body lay asleep and peacefully but containing the woes and anger that threatened to spill out. From both the forced display of love she was giving Shinji and what she had been trapped into.

She was not herself and she knew it. What NERV had done to her was something she could never imagine or want. In spite of everything she was able to reason, there was nothing she could do to undo how far she had already gone.

The back of her mind was done yelling. It knew that Asuka was alone and had no one to reach out to. All it could do in the confines of Asuka's slumber was wallow in its loneliness and weep.

It wept from the prison of isolation that had been built around it while calling out, 'Kaji... Shinji... Misato... Please... anyone... help me... I'm being played with... I don't want this... This is the worst... I'd rather be dead... someone... please save me...'

---

A/N: And so we begin the set of chapters for 2023. I hope everyone managed to make the most of what came last year, I at least did my best given the circumstances. Regardless of what happened, I can assure you that there will be at least another dozen chapters to go over the course of this year in this big, long tale I'm keeping myself dedicated to.

After all of the dedication to the relationship between the two main characters, I decided it would be right to begin setting up the more significant challenges that would inevitably build up along the way. It might be pretty easy to read up to now and see this as the beginning of a generic love triangle but it's also my hope that having the comments of what the actual Asuka probably might actually say can entice readers to follow along with where things might be going. Probably the best way to describe it is my intent to go full on "Eva" on the idea.

Essentially everything written in italics is supposed to be the actual Asuka and this whole chapter is her being tormented with the ideas being dangled in front of her. Also, as an attempt to deviate from what might have been set up in this chapter, I actually have an exchange in the next one that hopefully will establish the sense of uncertainty and chaos that is bound to come out of such a development as this one had.

So how will it all play out towards the end? How will humanity survive with such tension developing between its greatest hopes? How much torment can they endure before someone reaches a breaking point? Everything here is stuff I hope we get to see over the course of this next year, and I look forward to hearing from all of you along the way. I hope to see you all then.