Chapter 20: Is this What We Tried to Deny?

Being forced to reveal the truth of what he told Asuka yesterday was not an easy task for Shinji. Even preceding his confession with his intention of snapping her out of what seemed to be a hypnosis only gave him a little assurance that he would not be forced to endure significant harm that night. When he revealed what he did as his last resort to snap her out of her current state, that was when Misato once again became the monster that he feared carrying again.

"You told her that?!"

Hanging his head down from the shame that immediately fell upon him, Shinji confirmed, "Kensuke said it was... how we could bring back Asuka..."

Misato could not keep herself from unleashing her fury as she heard his reasoning. There were only a few times Shinji ever made such daring choices in his life but this was one she could have done without happening. Her attempts to keep what sense of happiness the two of them had been able to achieve seemed to be even more fragile than she could have imagined.

She tried to remind him of how dangerous this action was by telling him, "You know we aren't supposed to let that sort of thing be heard by just anybody!"

Shinji clenched his hands trying to keep himself from breaking before answering, "I'm sorry... I couldn't stand it... I just wanted Asuka back..."

Misato shook her head before she allowed her greater concerns to surface by asking, "Seriously? That's your only reason? You can at least tell me that you wanted to move on from me before that!"

"I didn't want her!"

It was a commitment Misato felt she should have known he would make but hearing Shinji actually make such a proclamation was the one thing that kept her from shouting any more at his reveal. She could recognize that jealousy was at the heart of it all and she felt as though she was right to expect more from him. It was selfish and an odd thing to expect of a child, but Misato knew there was no reason for her to expect being treated as a normal individual.

Hoping she could make sure she was absolutely certain made Misato ask, "You didn't? What is this all about then? Are you just trying to use her?"

She knew it was not one of her more respectable moments but Misato still had a sense of satisfaction hearing Shinji proclaim, "I was sick of what she was doing! That's not Asuka! I didn't want her treating me like this!"

Misato sat back as she asked, "You were just... that desperate huh?"

Clearly pleased he did not have to be making a serious proclamation for what he had done, Shinji took a breath before confirming, "When we made Asuka run away I really hurt her... Now it's like she's gone completely."

Seeing him in such a state left Misato feeling even more guilty than before as she saw him revel in what he was forced to admit. He was afraid of what happened to everyone around him and most of all from someone he thought he sincerely wanted to be on good terms with. In many ways he was still a selfless boy who simply cared too much about others around him.

Misato sighed before admitting, "It's scary for you isn't it? I never thought she would have acted like this on her own as well."

Shinji did not show himself completely reassured but eased his clench by telling her, "I did everything that should have made her hate me. It just wasn't right for her to be like this."

She did not want to make him feel any easier about what he was doing and it was the one reason Misato could think of that made her warn, "If that's what you were trying to do, don't hide this from me again. Now I'm worried you're ending up like Kaji. And that's not a compliment."

Realizing Misato was giving him a warning made Shinji apologize, "I'm really sorry. I won't do it again."

Confident that she was not hear any more protests from him about what he was trying to change, Misato demanded clarification from him, "Kiss Asuka or keep secrets from me?"

Shinji did not hesitate to answer this time as he told her, "Both."

Misato accepted what she was hearing as she "If you're really that scared of what Asuka is like now, push her away. She's the one who wants to be with you. I hope anyway."

It was laden with an air of hesitation and fear but Shinji finally managed to accept, "I... I'll do that Miss Misato..."

Letting out a heavy sigh at what Shinji was going to say on repeat at this point, Misato told him, "I'm sorry if this is hard for you but intentions don't always work out. I want to know that I'm with somebody who cares about... us. Not trying to hide things."

He tried to make sure he was not going to be "I care too. But do I really have to push Asuka away?"

Much to Shinji's disappointment, he was forced to hear the four words he dreaded to hear the most whenever things became as serious like they were now. "That's up to you."

Although the dread of the situation was upon him, Shinji tried to make it clear he did not want to be a burden proclaiming, "I care about you Misato. I didn't want to make you mad."

Misato looked down feeling drained as she realized how difficult it was becoming to make Shinji want to argue against her demands. His current mood left her wondering if he was desperate to keep her to himself or if he was just distressed being in another interrogation with her. Allowing the silence to linger made her feel as though she was in the same situation. A feeling she kept telling herself she should have been ready to discard at any second.

All of her intentions ultimately proved to simply go against everything she ever intended. She found herself clinging for Shinji in the same way she wanted Kaji to prove that he would always be there for her. The harshest reminder of all being how serious Shinji gradually became.

What was supposed to be a way to make sure that they would gradually lose interest in one another simply changed the two of them in ways they did not anticipate. Shinji was willing to express his desires to be at her side and it built up to her offering herself to him on their third date. The moment that brought them here in the first place and served as what she started to see as a bookend to the sort of change she gone through with him.

Misato could not imagine what sort of thoughts were going through Shinji's head as he tried to accept where he was now but felt herself conflicted as he answered, "I'll do it... I'll make Asuka leave me alone."

The idea of him committing to such a serious subject made Misato ask herself what she was getting herself into. She had just opened the possibility of severing what relationship Shinji managed to foster with Asuka after so long all for her sake. She was treating herself like one possibility in a love triangle but still stood out as the odd one.

She was not longing for a man anymore. She was longing for Shinji's embrace. She wanted him to embrace her like he did on the night of Kaji's death and more. She wanted him to use all of his budding knowledge to please her and spoil himself with her body. She would even have his child if that was what it took.

She had such willingness in her and she was disrupting what was essentially a normal relationship by comparison. Misato could not tell just how desperate for being with someone she was before but it had become very apparent now. And even being able to recognize what she was doing to herself was no longer even a concern now that she had fully accepted where she was.

Making sure he really wanted to go through with his decision made Misato ask, "So you'll do it... because you want to right?"

She would not receive a committed answer but instead a reminder of his intentions, "I want Asuka back. Not the way she's acting now."

Worried she might be losing his original sense of commitment made Misato asked, "Have you thought past that? What will happen to us?"

He could not even begin to determine how long of a pause he mustered between him and Misato but Shinji finally managed to reiterate his original intent by telling her, "I... want us to be good to each other..."

She lost track of how much guilt she was feeling for having gone into such a dire subject but Misato allowed herself to reveal one crucial regret by revealing what she originally believed, "I always thought getting you a girlfriend would make you feel better about yourself. Guess that backfired didn't it?"

Shinji hesitated before acknowledging another fear of his, "I wondered what it would be like... if I really deserved it."

That last part remained with Misato the moment she returned to her bedroom and tried to force herself asleep. She wished Kyoya would call her if only to break the growing sense if misery and disappointment she had weighing her down. Time seemed to be passing her by at a speed she could not imagine and she could not understand how she should have been handling herself.

She ultimately seemed to have little appreciation for what she placed herself into as she remembered what caused this in the first place. While sex with him was what ignited it, her intentions were for a different matter entirely. It was supposed to force him to look at her and realize what a hopeless void she was be it as a potential lover or as someone to care for him.

Was that it? Had she really failed as a guardian after all and simply became so desperate she wanted to salvage her connection to Shinji by whatever means possible? Framed that way it seemed to be the reason why she felt so conflicted about her approach to Shinji and worst of all jealousy towards Asuka.

As she made her way into work that morning, Misato was at least thankful she did not have to worry about Asuka starting any odd rumors when she was in school.

Once again filling her coffee cup, she heard a familiar voice ask, "Have you been feeling better lately Misato?"

Turning to see Satuski, Misato greeted, "Oh about the same. Stuck on edge, trying to find out how we can save the world and all that."

"I usually consider you to be a more resilient individual than that. It is difficult to even find you around Ritsuko these days. Usually you two are so difficult to find apart in this setting."

Misato thought back to what caused this sort of rift that others would be able to find. Ever since the reveal of the Rei clone facility, she did not feel the desire to even look her former friend in the eye now that she kenw more about her than she ever wanted to. She felt as though she had perfectly valid reasons for not being around her but she neglected to come up with a reason why she did not even want to be associated with her for any reason.

Trying to keep her intentions secret, Misato confessed, "We had a bit of a falling out. We're trying to keep things professional at least, the fate of the human race being the key priority."

Believing she had Misato in a sense of ease on the subject made Satsuki warn, "It is important that you are willing to be that dedicated. However I think you should consider doing something other than remaining focused on your work. There are going to be others wondering what you are up to and it will not be to your benefit."

The idea was intimidating for her to consider but Misato tried to alleviate the tension by joking, "You think some Angel might be watching me and trying to find out what my ideal move is?"

Satsuki did little to show her acceptance for the joke reminding, "After prior Angels, I believe you know it is not outside the realm of possibility."

Misato soured before remembering two of the prior Angels that managed to be so dangerous. One almost compromising all of NERV and another taking control of Unit-03. She was relieved most of the Angels did not intend to repeat such a similar strategy even if the alternative continued to level much of the city outside. Then she remembered the possibility of Kaworu being dead in the center of NERV as well.

Trying to shake away the unease at the idea made Misato try to change the subject while agreeing, "Yeah, maybe it isn't. I just have a really good thing going with Mitsuru okay? I want to make sure he doesn't start thinking he can be a real pimp around here any time soon is all."

That last comment caught Satsuki's attention before asking, "I didn't know he did anything to give you that sort of indication."

It might not have been the best subject to bring up but Misato found herself stuck with it as she tried to reason, "Yeah well… A girl has to make sure her man isn't going to try and ditch her you know?"

This intention made Satsuki raise an eyebrow before she asked, "You think you know who he might be flirting with behind your back?"

Looking around to make sure she was not being listened to, Misato finally answered, "Not to start anything but I think he might have a thing for that Hitomi girl."

Satsuki nodded in response agreeing, "I always thought she seemed his type. No offense of course."

Hoping she would be able to continue with a simple conversation made Misato go along with the observation, "Yeah maybe. But if I find out he even says anything just a little funny to her, I'm not planning to show him any mercy."

This decision made Satsuki go along with Misato's warning as she suggested, "And you will be able to carry over that commitment into the next year if you remember. Honestly I think it would be really reliving if you just went out and tried being who you usually were."

She was not absolutely sure if it was a good idea but Misato could not help being tempted by celebrating in a way she could not do so around Shinji. She could easily reason she needed to do something after work in order to make sure NERV was prepared for whatever her personnel were struggling with at the moment. There were many other factors she had to consider but the opportunity to alleviate her worries even just for a night was too tempting to pass up.

Deciding to take up Satsuki on the offer made Misato ask, "You think so huh? I guess that's what make you better than Kaede sometimes. How do you feel about meeting at the usual place?"

Satsuki smiled accepting, "That sounds great. I'll even make it easy for you, we'll have drinks prepared when we walk in and we won't have anyone to interrupted us."

This earned a thumbs up from Misato as she took a heavy swig of her coffee and told her, "Nice to see you being so thoughtful. Well I have to make sure I look busy before the commander sees either of us. Try and make sure everything stays squeaky on your end alright?"

Satsuki watched Misato make her way down the halls as she accepted, "Of course." Waiting for her to take her leave from the area, Satsuki watched Misato make her way down the halls. She intended to make sure she would not command the attention of her superior as she turned to make her way down the halls.

As soon as Misato was out of her sight, Satsuki turned to make her way to a nearby corner where she found Ritsuko waiting for her as she asked, "You believe this is the right way to go about it?"

Satsuki crossed her arms before answering, "I know she does not even want to hear another word from you at this point. If you and Aoi are right about her condition then it would seem there is only a specific way she can accept this."

This made Ritsuko accept how little leverage she had at this point before admitting, "I always thought I actually knew her well. I suppose I'm fortunate to have you to assist."

Shinji's state of mind was not any better as he and Kensuke looked out atop the roof of their school. It was one of the few states of peace he could ever recall having and he found himself wondering how else he was meant to find a way to make his own conclusions. It was a dangerous line of thinking but he knew it was also the best chance to have some sense of reflection to discover his own best decisions.

Breaking the ice, Kensuke suggested, "So have you thought about something Shinji? Do you really want the old Asuka back?"

It was a serious question that Shinji knew he could not take lightly. Having his mind brought back to Asuka was not something he wanted to discuss so soon but he knew he could not back out of it at this point. Kensuke was far too into his life at this point and he would not let him off the hook when it came to such a crucial aspect as figuring out Asuka.

Attempting to make himself sound serious about the issue made Shinji ask, "Why shouldn't I? I'm not going to take advantage of her like this!"

Kensuke found himself taken aback by such an outburst as he tried to point out, "Hey listen, it's not like that. What if Asuka really is better off this way? Isn't it possible she just got better and she really does like you now?"

Shinji was not so ready to accept the idea as he asked, "What if that happened to me? What if I was turned into something totally different like she was? Do you think I would be better off that way?"

Being forced to answer for such an accusation made Kensuke raise his hands and defend himself, "Shinji I really don't think you're getting what I'm talking about here! You saw how she took on that last Angel right? How can anybody not want to see more of that?"

It seemed to be a baffling choice for Kensuke to advocate for but "But that's not her! We can't let her just live like this for the rest of her life, it's just not right!"

"Okay.. Okay… I get where you're coming from."

Although he was relieved to see Kensuke agreed with him on some level, he was still shaken by what he was willing to accept in some way as he "I don't get what made you think of that. We should be worried about what those other people are trying to do to us."

"I get it. I just never thought we'd get to have Asuka be this nice to everybody."

"I had to explain this all to Misato already. I can't stand that I have to explain this again."

Deciding it would be better to avoid going into such a personal subject, Kensuke scratched the back of his neck as he tried to change the subject, "I really need to sort my priorities don't I? I have to worry about exposing NERV before things get worse."

Shinji hoped there would be some sort of change with how much time had passed but feared he was not going to hear what he wanted to know as he asked, "You haven't been able to find out what caused her to be like this have you?"

He was pleased to be on Shinji's good side again but Kensuke knew he would have to disappoint him again by answering, "Well I'm... I don't exactly have much as far as clearance and NERV isn't a welcoming place either."

This did not stop Shinji from insisting his original point, "You've at least been trying haven't you?"

Kensuke leaned back trying to recall everything that happened before as he recalled, "You have to believe me, leaking all of this stuff online has been serious work and a few guys are still trying to make sense of it all."

"And none of it talked about what happened to Asuka?"

"Hate to say but... yeah. I got nothing about hypnotism or whatever it is. Really, I think it just proves that maybe it hasn't happened and she really is who she says she is."

"Without even a trace though? It just can't be real."

Bringing everything back to his original point made Kensuke reason, "Even if she is putting on one giant act, there's going to be more to deal with if she does change back."

"It will all be back to normal. I really ended up wanting to go back to that somehow."

Finally regaining the assertion he had from before, Kensuke warned him of the one thing that would come from such a commitment, "I mean it could. You know that means telling Misato it's over."

It seemed wrong but Shinji immediately saw what Kensuke was warning him about. Misato herself even said he had to make the choice when it came to what they were going to be together. He wanted nothing more than to find a solution that would make things better for everyone but he realized the common threat he was making every time he made another choice for everyone. The possibility that he would harm someone else in the worst possible way.

Continuing to feel frustration with the scenario made Shinji shake his head before telling Kensuke, "I want to find out what sort of person Asuka has really become. If she's really who she says she is."

Sighing at the fact he did not have an solid answers for how he could manage what he was going through made Kensuke admit, "Pretty crazy to imagine. A year ending and we still have a bunch of mysteries to wrap our heads around."

Shinji looked back to the horizon agreeing, "It is isn't it? And there's still going to be Angels coming."

"From what I can tell and see, it sure looks like it."

This time was more personal to Shinji but Kensuke could tell it was still a confession to him as well as he admitted, "This is all going to end some day. And I still don't know what will happen to everybody."

As much as Kensuke wanted to assure Shinji that he would be there to help him in battle whenever he could, he knew by now it was the last thing he wanted to hear. He wanted clear answers and actual confirmation that he would be pulled out of his spiral of confusion. Worst of all that such a choice might be entirely upon him.

Pleased to make her way to one of her favorite bars on New Year's eve, Misato felt it was an appropriate way to end the year if humanity's battle against the Angels. She was left in command, stuck in a spiral of confusion for what she got herself into, and stuck on a balancing board trying to comprehend how she could make her current relationship work. If anything she was thankful that she did not have to arrive alone as her friend Satsuki entered with her.

The two made their way to a pair of open seats as Misato asked, "Aren't we just in high spirits tonight?"

Satsuki was the first to sit down as she observed, "That makes one of us. It still seems like you're trying to fake your easiness."

Now just left to wait for a chance to drown her worries, Misato sat next to Satsuki as she summarized her current concerns, "You think so huh? Maybe if you had boyfriend issues, you'd feel the same way."

Seeing there would be no one around to judge what they were thinking gave Satsuki the grounds she needed to observe, "Things with Mitsuru have been taking a hold on you it seems."

Misato sighed as she began to drum her fingers on the counter before agreeing, "That's putting it lightly."

Now that the two were in a sense of ease with their situation, Satsuki played further along with the setting by answering, "Honestly you should know better by now Misato. If a man is causing issues for you, you are not better off sticking with him."

"I try to tell myself that. But I can't stand the idea of being alone again."

"It always has to be more difficult than you allow it to be doesn't it?"

"It has been for a long time. I don't know if it'll ever end."

Seeing her friend look down without a sense of hope for things progressing better in the future left Satsuki resigned to just how little she really knew about Misato's situation. No one was truly capable of revealing everything about themselves but there were few times she ever saw her as defeated as she was. The year was ending and her face of total weariness served as a reminder of how humanity itself saw the upcoming challenges.

As soon as the bartender brought their drinks, Satsuki tried to cheer her up, "I might not be able to help you but we always have one temporary solution."

Looking up to see the dark drink beneath her, Misato agreed, "Isn't it always? Nice to do what Mitsuru won't sometimes."

Satsuki smirked before asking, "You're kidding? Mitsuru doesn't drink?"

"More like he..." Misato realized where she was headed as she was about to answer. The Mitsuru she knew was perfectly capable of it to her knowledge but most importantly old enough to do so. "... He just doesn't feel like it around me..."

The explanation earned a laugh from Satsuki as she told Misato, "That sounds just like him. The total opposite of a man and not willing to take advantage of one of us drinking girls. I don't know what you see in him."

The two took hold of their glasses before taking heavy swigs of their drinks. The feeling was temporary just as the night was going to be, but Misato briefly had a sensation she could focus on. Unfortunately it would be far shorter than she hoped it could have been.

Misato chuckled before agreeing, "I honestly didn't think... Oh... Oh God..."

Before either of the women could continue drinking their problems away Misato sprung up and forced a hand to her mouth before her cheeks rapidly expanded. Satsuki looked up and asked, "Misato? What's wrong?"

Instead of answering, Misato waved her free hand as a gesture for Satsuki to stay where she was and ran from the table. Thankfully the restrooms were nearby and she threw herself inside to reach the first toilet she could find. The worst happened as she leaned over the nearest bowl, opened her mouth, and saw the contents of her stomach release from her.

With the taste of medovukha still lingering in her mouth Misato could not tell if she had just expelled every bit of the drink or if the taste was simply strong enough. As if her body knew this she felt herself heave another helping of vomit out of her stomach and out her mouth. She struggled to even stand after a while as she felt herself expelling pieces from her she did not even recall seeing.

Before she could prepare herself to stand again she heard the door to the bathroom open and a voice she did not want to hear at the moment. "Misato? Are you alright?"

Realizing that she could not hide her condition from Satsuki anymore, Misato felt her vomiting subside and take the chance to answer, "Y... I... Maybe not huh?"

Satsuki tried to comprehend what was happening by asking, "How long has this been going for?"

Wiping at her mouth, Misato thought about the question before determining, "About... shit... maybe a week? I've been slipping on my regular drinking though."

Things took a more serious turn as Satsuki pointed out, "It seems to be from more than lack of practice Misato. Aoi warned you for a reason."

This warning made Misato realize what she had started in NERV headquarters after her recent change in behaviors. She knew many of them could not be avoided but she hoped no one would ever be willing to nail her habits down to a pattern. Unfortunately, she knew there were few things the three MAGI technicians did not share with one another and there were just as great of a chance that someone might have been watching in the shadows to observe whatever she might have been doing.

Trying to remain casual made Misato admit, "She did huh? I must not have got the message."

"And I don't mean to mock what you are probably afraid of." Reaching for her purse, Misato saw Satsuki take out a box revealing the one thing she dreaded being faced with. No matter how odd her behavior was, she did not think it would be bad enough to warrant what she was being suggested. Here was the first time she was being told directly that she would have to face what she allowed to accumulate.

Misato looked at the box and asked, "You... really think I... slipped up huh?"

Satsuki shook her head, "What you do in your personal life is up to you Misato. But being ready for what will come is important in a relationship like yours. You need to know and Mitsuru deserves to know. Hiding it any longer will only make the revelation worse."

Misato looked at the box for a few seconds longer before accepting there was no way she was getting out of the bathroom without facing what Satsuki deemed to be important. Her behavior was too noticeable to ignore by now and would jeopardize her position if she did not prepare for what she was going through. The year was ending but in front of her was the most intimidating block she could have ever imagined.

A/N: There's another one done. This one might have felt a bit over the place or maybe it was just me during the reworking of this chapter but this aftermath just felt important to go over. The goal here is basically to elaborate further on what the main characters are going through right now and the inevitable fear of what comes from holding on to such a secret. It sure does make things look rather messed up and it sure does make things pretty difficult doesn't it?

There's just a general sense of confusion around these events and hopes that things can be brought back to normal especially now that Asuka acts so differently and now that Misato is feeling changes in herself she has been trying to ignore. True to fashion however, things are going to inevitably come back to bite really badly. Just had a lot that I had to get out and I'm pretty sure at least Shinji is being portrayed in a state of more uncertainty than he has before.

And finally there's the inevitable drama of what some of you might have been wondering about ever since Chapter 18. Yeah, I left that on a cliffhanger and I can guarantee there will be further drama when the next chapter starts rolling events further. Events like these are going to be elaborated on by the time the next chapter rolls around. Hope to see you all then.