Chapter 21: Will Others Judge?

Misato could not help but dread the idea of going to work the next day. One positive is that she was not able to get drunk and go in with a splitting headache but she could not help wondering if she would prefer that over remembering what happened last night. How Satsuki came to her with sincere intentions but the kind that made her wish she did not have to come in to work.

If things continued her way she would not have to see the Eva pilots face another Angel or place herself on the defensive. Life continued to be difficult for her to deal with as she tried to understand show she could be fine with the current state of her life and how everyone around her was being affected. The moment she was finished however, she could not help but wish that she was at the mercy of a dangerous force right now.

Looking down she saw a dreaded positive sign on her stick. Her hand trembled as she gazed long at the symbol and what its implications were. She had no one to tell at or curse, she was simply alone to confront what she had feared for a while. Even worse what the implications meant.

There was nowhere for her to run anymore, Shinji's baby was inside her. She tried to reason it could have been Kaji but remembered how on their last night together they used a contraceptive to prevent such an outcome. She tried to reason that she used morning after pills after the first two times with Shinji but left a noticeable gap. The two times she did not. She could not tell which time was the cause but both times were enough of a slip for her to end up allowing what caused her body to be where it was now.

Shakily placing her hand on her stomach, Misato tried to force herself to remember what she was handling. She rarely thought about being a mother before but the circumstances leading up to now became a foreshadowing towards that possibility. Even more importantly who the father would be. Someone who she doubted was ready for such a great responsibility.

Her time starring down at the stick stopped ad she heard the door open and saw Ritsuko enter. Realizing how serious the reveal would be, Misato could not find a trashcan nearby to throw the stick in and tried to hide it in her clenched hand. Just as she feared she saw Ritsuko view where her hands were and immediately came to the conclusion what she was doing.

Returning her gaze to Misato, Ritsuko asked, "You still feel the need to bring your personal business to work?"

Sighing at being unable to prevent her condition from being revealed, Misato acknowledged, "I know. It happened yesterday and I needed to find out."

"So all the talk of you and Mitsuru is true. And now was the only time you thought you could figure it out."

"Yeah... I really thought I had it."

The two recognized how serious of a revelation it was for everyone in NERV but Ritsuko only had one question in mind as she stepped away from the doorway before asking, "Will we have to expect that this will cause you to perform less efficiently?"

Misato recognized she would not be left off the hook before answering, "If that's all the Commander wants to know, he can sleep better. I don't know if I'm even going to go through with this."

Watching Misato make her way to the exit that she made for her, Ritsuko dismissed the issue reminding, "Well as long as Mitsuru understands. You should know we can't afford to have your personal life affecting us especially if it is with a coworker. Even more importantly someone below your rank."

She could argue she felt as though she dodged a bullet but Misato did not intend to keep herself in her former friend's presence any longer than she had to as she told her, "I get it. I'll go to him and find out by the end of the day."

With so little to keep them together anymore, Ritusko accepted Misato's exit as she left her with a single warning, "I hope so."

Through every agonizing second that passed after Misato made the revelation in the restroom, she found herself ashamed of how she allowed things to develop over the past few months. She was kicking herself at every opportunity when she pursued reaching out to Shinji but continued despite herself. Even more torturous was how this became one of the few instances where he showed a firm commitment to anything and it was his intent on being her boyfriend.

The more she lingered in her loathing, the more Misato tried to ask herself what made her feel any jealousy towards Asuka's return. It was the whole reason she decided to bring herself into Shinji's life in the first place. He was supposed to finally be prepared to move on from her. As she tried to comprehend where she went wrong, it seemed that arriving at this point was what brought her here.

"If I don't stop this, I'll really fail as a guardian." Misato told herself under her breath. With no one to see or overhear her, she only had herself to determine what would be the best decision. It was still difficult for her to imagine that she was willing to make her affections for Shinji known or if they would be ready to face a life together.

As she made her way to the Eva cages, she saw someone she did not anticipate to be present. The sight of Mitsuru Wakatake left her with a sense of dread as she considered the lie she started among the MAGI technicians. Now that her situation had become so serious she could not help but feel guilt at the idea she would be harshly judged if he ever came close to her.

"Major? Are you here for an inspection?"

Refocusing her attention, Misato realized Mitsuru was making his way over to her with his inquiry. She cleared her throat before answering, "Yes. Have you been able to confirm what sort of damage was done to Unit-04?"

Looking down at the sheet he was carrying, Mitsuru reported, "To put it simply, the last Angel managed to hit it in a very specific area whereas Unit-02's was more spread out. Explains how we'll have Unit-02 up and ready but repairs should be progressing on schedule."

"Whatever, get back to work, we need to be ready any second."

"Uh... yes Major."

Using the hesitation in his voice as an excuse to turn around, Misato called out, "Are you trying to shrug off your duties?"

The accusation caught Mitsuru by surprise as he answered, "N-No! Not at all!"

"Because you should know the last thing I need right now is someone being noncommittal when we have a serious situation at hand!"

"I understand Major!"

"Now you tell me are you preparing to throw yourself into the cracks of either unit to expedite the repairs?!"

"I'll do my best Major!"

"That is not your station! What I need you to do is... is..." Groaning at herself, Misato turned away from Mitsuru when she considered what she almost demanded from him. Why would she ever think of forcing someone she did not know so well into her life? It was an invitation to further disaster that she was already going to be in the center of. The least she could do was keep valuable people out of it as well.

Misato felt the grief of how much she had already sullied Mitsuru's name after claiming to be in a relationship with him. How much worse would it be if she actually tried to make it a reality by now? Her search for an easy way out of her current situation left her fearing she would only cause more harm to anyone who came near her at this point.

While shaken from the sudden outburst, Mitsuru ventured to ask, "Do you need me back at my station Major?"

Misato waved a hand to dismiss, "Forget I was even here. I'm headed back up."

Watching Misato leave and head back to the surface level of NERV left Mitsuru to adjust his glasses before accepting, "I... understand Major."

Misato left without any parting words and Mitsuru had no idea how he was supposed to accept what had just happened. He could not tell what he had done that would prompt such an outburst but immediately turned away in desperation to put as much distance between her and him possible. Simply leaving her was not all he could do however as he saw Koji waiting for him.

Meeting him in front of the face of Unit-02, Mitsuru apologized, "I haven't left you hanging have I?"

Koji shook his head, "No, but that discussion with the Major did sound important. Are you in trouble?"

"I can't say what it is but for some reason she felt a need to lash out against me."

"That is an odd development. If she is not going to interfere however, we have to use this time to cover our tracks now."

"Cover our tracks?" Looking around to make sure no one was watching him, Mitsuru stepped towards Koji as he whispered his additional question, "Have we been discovered?"

Koji whispered back, "Someone is coming dangerously close. It may be one of our own."

Backing away from Koji and realizing the implications, Mitsuru tried to be discrete by asking, "So... do we have a proper department to evaluate this situation?"

Koji looked around before answering, "Suruga should hear from us first."

Nodding in confirmation, the two men walked past each other as they agreed with the open idea of where they would meet later on. While Mitsuru and Koji did not have to worry about being interrogated for the rest of the day, the near compromise with Misato was enough to force them to be more careful. Thanks to a long day without any Angel threats there was little to keep them from being at risk.

When the two met with Hajime in an alleyway in the city there were few times they felt more secure in such a dark place. What he was about to reveal made it clear why he had to gather the others in a secluded area. Gossip never seemed to be a proper part of the mission but it was proof that NERV had no shortage of secrets that could be unveiled especially among its personnel.

Mitsuru tried to handle the reveal by asking, "She's... is she really... Is that why she has been acting that way?"

Hajime revealed how he came to the realization, "I've been able to confirm this. Not from my own sneaking into her bathroom anyway but Hitomi was able to find out from Ritsuko."

Koji accepted the report remembering, "It's good of her to keep us informed. I was worried she might have been too focused on her own work. Especially now that Ritsuko has been so occupied lately."

Mitsuru found his curiosity getting the better of him asking, "Do we know who her current relationship is with?"

"That is a need to know subject." Kyoya answered as he appeared from a nearby shadow. The others turned to see him walking towards them while keeping his sunglasses pressed to the bridge of his nose.

Hajime agreed with the dismissal, "You heard him. All that matters is that we know her case and we cannot allow her to compromise our own goals."

Mitsuru tried to reason, "Can you at least tell us if it's with someone who will compete against our interests or not?"

Kyoya was quick to assure, "He does not even know about us at this point. If things continue to escalate it might be brought into public at some point."

Koji added, "So if she ever mentions who her current partner is, accept it as the truth."

Mitsuru acknowledged the adherence to the approach as he told everyone around him, "I understand it's important we treat the Major this way but I don't know how this is going to affect our current operations."

Kyoya explained, "She knows about the end goal of Commander Ikari and the ones he works for. More importantly she has exposed her partner to much of what was happening beneath the surface. It isn't the entire picture but it is enough."

He was not fully reassured but Mitsuru knew there was little he could influence at the moment as he accepted, "As long as it's someone who is already in NERV that is the only acceptable scenario we can work with."

Koji added, "More importantly how dangerously close to the root of it all they both are. If she and the others pry any further they could both be in significant trouble."

Hajime agreed, "And that is what we need to fix immediately. I believe Kyoya has a plan for this."

Kyoya confirmed, "Mitsuru I will require your assistance. Intimidation tactics are going to be required."

Mitsuru sighed when he realized what sort of implications he was being given before accepting, "I was afraid it would come to this."

The first evening of the new year humanity would be facing the Angels did not begin with a conflict to the relief of many. On a greater scale it would be a simple extension of humanity's fight for survival but would give way to new internal struggles as well. The kind that Misato feared might have happened under different circumstances.

Waiting for Asuka to fall asleep this time, Misato left Shinji to fall into a sense of security that he was going to sleep to the end of another routine day. It would only be when he began to settle himself into bed that he would realize how mistaken his assumption was. He would have nowhere to run as soon as he saw what where he would be kept pinned down.

Between both sides of Shinji were Misato's hand as she loomed over him with only the blanket beneath separating them. He looked up to see her appear and only had a brief idea of what sort of intent Misato had. His distraction from seeing her was all she needed as she pulled down the blanket to expose him beneath her.

Shinji felt a sudden chill as he was exposed to Misato above him and asked, "M... Miss Misato?"

Misato looked down at Shinji intently and placed her hands on both sides of his face. She simply told him, "Nothing's stopping us now."

Before he could ask for clarification, Shinji found himself lip locked with Misato as she planted her face down to his. Shinji was left breathless as he found out what was happening to him. Shinji always expected Misato to be the one to take the lead but there seemed to be little basis for what was causing this encounter to happen.

Shinji was denied a chance to inquire what was happening as he felt Misato slip her hand underneath his shorts. He let out a gasp as he felt Misato's hand wrap its fingers around his resting member. Intent to make sure neither of them would be heard, Misato pressed her lips harder against Shinji's and expanded her mouth to encompass his. He had nowhere to turn to for his escape or a chance to yell as he felt Misato stroke her fingers up and down underneath the loose sleeping garments he wore.

Shinji found himself going along with Misato's advance as he rapidly tried to find a way to rationalize what was happening. Ever since Asuka came back into their lives it seemed there was so little time for them to be together as intimate as this. Misato wanted him again after waiting for what seemed to be forever ago

Everything Shinji imagined before was thrown out the window as he realized where his reasoning was taking him. A relationship like this was supposed to make him want to turn to Asuka or Rei as would have been normal for him. Not only had he failed to make any steps towards that point of normalcy, Misato seemed to have made none as well. Here she was above him emphasizing the size difference between the two of them as though she intended to pay him back for the time he took her offer on the night of Rei's "death."

He could not tell how long it was when Misato locked herself into a kiss with him but Shinji felt an erection growing beneath his shirts from the repeated stroking. Even with the confusion of what he was going through he could not help but feel the rush of being in such close contact with her again. He had been approached before, he had been hurt by her before, and he wanted to feel it again.

What reason was still in Shinji's mind to resist Misato's pursuit of him was cast aside as he remembered how little there was for him to fear now. There was a sense of belonging as he allowed himself to be taken under Misato that he only seldom felt before. There was a time he would fear what the consequences were or if anyone would find him, but the knowledge of what brought him here became the justification for him to accept where he was.

No longer bound by thought, Shinji did his best to return the loss Misato gave before bringing his hands around her back and pulled her down to him. Misato parted briefly by throwing her top off while Shinji took the opportunity to remove his shirt. It was only another brief pair of motions before the two were naked upon Shinji's bed.

Before Shinji could attempt to take the lead, he found himself confused as he saw Misato turn around and have her lower half hover above his face. He found out what she was doing as Misato lowered herself to reestablish contact with Shinji's body while bringing her mouth to his erection. It did not take long for Shinji to realize what was happening as he tried to process Misato lowering herself onto him as he slid his tongue out and allowed it to run along the outsides of her folds.

Misato found herself pleased in the moment she felt Shinji return the favor. Her intention to make Shinji remember who he was dedicated to was clearly working and she lost all interest in what else was happening now or would after this. She was in another moment where she did not have to question anything and it served as the best relief she had in a long while.

Misato continued to bob her head up and down before hearing a noise from Shinji. It was clear after what amount if time had passed that he was on the verge of release while continued to feel his tongue work continue to slither. Not wanting the release just yet, Misato turned her body around while continuing to loom over Shinji.

Shinji was breathing at a faster pace than before while Misato kept herself from allowing a sense of desperation to be visible on her face. Shinji was beneath her and still had no sense of attempting to break or run away and she had what she wanted. In another brief motion he was truly trapped within Misato's mercy.

Once again Shinji and Misato were joined together as Misato slid her vagina down to Shinji's erection and slid it inside her. There was no basking this time as Shinji felt Misato take him into her and immediately begin to gyrate her hips. The familiar wet and warm connection of being bound to the woman above her truly took hold of Shinji's senses again and he could not bring himself to protest where he was.

It was a few gyrations before Shinji wrapped his arms around Misato's body and clung to her she pressed her skin against his. The two began to pant as they allowed their base desires to take hold of one another. The feeling continued to remind Shinji of what it was like to be contained in LCL with the smell, embrace, and wetness of everything overtaking his senses.

There was nothing the two of them could do as they allowed themselves to remain lost in the embrace that separated them from the test of the world. The confusion Shinji had for everything challenging him and the longing Misato had for being with someone was the furthest thing from both minds as their union became a journey they both eagerly desired to make their own escape from reality. In the real world, they would find a tragedy of how this journey would become so short.

Shinji felt his erection being to twitch as he endured one slap of Misato's skin against his after another. It came with the growing heat from the friction between him and her as they allowed their embrace to continue dominating their minds. For all the times it ended before, Shinji was left to hope he could make a difference by reminding Misato what was about to occur.

Shinji tried to warn, "Miss... Miss... Misato..." Before he had a chance to give a warning, Misato brought her mouth to Shinji's as she tried to keep him from saying another word. She was intent on making sure that he would remain hers and she would not have anyone else suspect how she was doing it. Most importantly by securing herself with Shinji the most assured way she could.

With one final pounce of her vagina against his erection, Misato felt Shinji explode inside her. One stream after another found it's way into Misato's canal while she eagerly took in every drop. At this point it did not matter what she allowed herself to do, she was already enduring the consequences of having been with him enough.

Shinji could not tell how long had passed before he gave his final ejaculation but Misato was not interested in removing herself from him. She lay herself in her right side while pulling Shinji to her chest as though he had shown signs of attempting to escape. With his arm stuck underneath Misato's weight and the strength of her embrace, Shinji discovered he was about o have a very different sleep in his own bed that night.

He hoped he was about to go to sleep before he heard Misato ask, "You enjoy this don't you Shinji?"

Surprised by the sudden question, Shinji shot his eyes open before looking up and seeing Misato's intent gaze. Fearing what would be the wrong answer he answered, "Y... yes."

Shinji was uncertain what saying no would have done but being brought into a tighter embrace was not what he expected would happen. It did occur because of his confirmation however and felt the left side of his face pressed against Misato's breasts while her hand dug into the back of his head. He was about to protest how hard the embrace became but the brief sound of sniffling from Misato made him think against making any comment.

Much to his surprise he heard her tell him in a voice that contrasted the sound of sorrow, "So you're happy that I can do for you what Asuka never could? I knew you had that in you Shinji. I just had to wait for you to take me first."

Becoming increasingly uneasy with the sort of talk Misato was releasing so late into the night, Shinji returned the embrace as best he could by telling her, "Miss Misato I... I never thought about leaving you..."

While he could not feel the beginning of tears making contact with him, Shinji heard Misato plea, "Please... keep it that way... I need you to do that... if only for me Shinji..."

Hesitant but afraid of what the alternative would have been, Shinji realized his situation before accepting, "I... will..."

There was no further questioning between the two as Misato accepted Shinji's word. She denied him the freedom to remove himself however as she continued her dedicated embrace. As though she had reclaimed him from the core of Unit-01 again, she would refuse to allow him out of her sight and out of her touch.

Sleeping with Misato was no longer an odd feeling for Shinji but the circumstances leading up to it had been complicated for him. He remembered how he even came in the middle of the night after returning from school desperate for the sense of clarity that Misato clearly wanted now. He found himself wondering if this was her way if reminding him that he was hers as much as she was his. Most glaringly why she felt the need to bring up this subject in what seemed to be a random time to do so.

Then again the obstacle that was Asuka was in their lives again. They were forced to find ways to make sure they would never be caught or exposed together. Even if she continued to believe the idea was a joke, there was still the danger of someone digging further to find out the truth of it.

Shinji could not keep track of how long it was before he finally lost his train of thought of the subject but the morning he awoke confirmed he was headed into another day with as many questions as he had before and no answers. The only difference being that he would have to hurry before he was caught by Asuka and having the truth be made completely undeniable. To his relief he was not greeted with such a responsibility today but Misato's request to speak with her left him wondering what other difficulty he could be facing.

While he hoped it would be enough to get her to let him go, Shinji reminded, "Miss Misato, I still have to go to school."

Misato remained insistent to her initial demand as she told Shinji, "I know. That's why I just need a yes or no answer from you."

Taking a short breath as he realized he was caught without a chance to escape, Shinji accepted, "Alright I can do that."

"Are you thinking about anyone other than me?"

The question made Shinji's knees weaken and force himself to remain standing as soon as he heard it. The sheet weight of the reality threatened to crush him if he did not answer the way Misato wanted. He thought for sure that she would have shed her jealousy but now but continued to be shaken as it seemed she wanted him to abandon Asuka even as a friend at this point.

Desperate to make sure he was not being given such a demand, Shinji stuttered, "I... well... Do you mean like... us?"

There was little assurance behind Misato as she confirmed, "Exactly."

Keeping himself steady, Shinji attempted to reveal his sincerity by answering as certain as he could, "No. I swear I'm not."

A short pause passed before Misato sighed and leaned back in her chair at the answer. Whether it was from accepting what might have been the truth or feeling sorry to see him in a shaken state, she concluded, "I've been stuck being worried for too long. We never did think about what this would be like when Asuka came back did we?"

The sight of Misato lowering her gaze made Shinji fear what she might have been sinking into as he tried to remind her, "I was worried about her. She's not the Asuka I remember anymore."

"Neither of us have been the same since... that night."

"I've been really confused lately. Just freaking out over everything."

"Now you see why I became like this. Always looking for easy solutions only to find out it ends at some point."

"You don't think that will happen to... us will it?"

"I was worried it would. Every time I try, I just find another way to get reality to slam itself over my head."

"We can still find a way to go out if that's what you want. We'd probably have to bring Asuka along but it wouldn't be so bad."

The suggestion made Misato smirk as she told him, "You're right. She'd even be good cover for us. Nobody's going to think you're that much of a stud."

Blushing at the tease, Shinji clutched his bookbag and told her, "I uh... should get going I guess."

Misato forced herself out of her chair and she agreed, "I only wanted a yes or no didn't I?"

Trying to find the will to prepare herself to get ready for another day at work, Misato forced herself up and got dressed. After what seemed to be a grilling that would not end she began to feel some sort of assurance that Shinji was not ready to abandon her. It was that assurance that made her make her decision.

Misato placed a hand in her stomach as she remembered the true root if what brought her to the night before and the earlier conversation. She had not yet told Shinji about the baby inside her but knew it was a matter of time before she would have to at some point. Even if he understood the idea of birth control, he could not imagine that continuing with her would bring them both to this point one day.

They both arrived sooner than either of them anticipated and Misato was in that moment decisive in what she wanted. All the fears of being found were second to her growing desire to keep her connection to Shinji. The baby she would have would be just what she needed to reveal how dedicated this relationship had become. Over time he would notice and he would be able to come to his decision if he made the right choice in the end or not.

Continuing to think in the terms Misato came up with made her think about what she was deciding. The last few lines of thought made her fear that she was becoming what most people would think she was in the end. A terrible human being who in her grief sought to place herself on the first person she was in contact with. Most damning of all with someone who was barely close to adulthood.

Every fiber of her being was telling her that she should not have been considering where she was now and she could not care less. Misato had become desperate for contact with another person again, she had clearly failed Shinji as a guardian, she could no longer feel the fear of being accused or looked down on by anyone who discovered what she was doing. So long as she could call Shinji hers she would take him into the wilderness if that was what it took for her to be with him.

The one worry that did remain however was if she was still doing everything against Shinji's will. He said he didn't see Asuka as a girlfriend but how much of that came from him actually growing to wanting her? How could she tell if he was genuine or still going through the motions as he had ever since knowing him?

Misato sighed before forcing herself out the door and preparing to make her way to work. The day had only barely begun and she was already feeling the uncertainty of other people weighing on her mind as she tried to assure herself that Shinji was indeed here for her and not about to cast her aside. As soon as she came home that night she knew there was still an assuring conclusion she would be able to rely on.

A/N: Yeah, not an April Fool's update. I promise it's not going for that. I probably could have at some point but decided it was too much work, though maybe I could have ended it at the lemon and joked about them living happily ever after but that would have been to easy to see through.

That being said, I hope you all like the developing drama that has been going forward. I found it pretty apt for the current situation between Misato and Shinji to be committed but with their current states not exactly in a state of being totally sure with one another. Especially when they don't know everything there is to know about one another after such a significant development as well.

So how will this all turn out? I can safely give my estimate to everyone on this much: this fic is now officially about 34% complete. If you're wondering about my progress on how far ahead I am writing this, I'm currently 82.3% done with Chapter 53. Crazy, I know. I honestly didn't think it would turn out this big myself.

I pretty much try to drip these chapters out on the monthly so I make sure I'm not under the pressure of having nothing to put out. That said, I still have the 50s threshold in play here, so as of this update, this fic receiving another 39 follows, 16 favs, or 14 reviews will result in another chapter being uploaded early. I'm thankful for everybody who has made it this far and eagerly awaits a new update every month or so, I hope you all look forward to seeing to the end when we get there. I hope to see you then.