Chapter 22: Does What We Hide Consume Us?

Shinji sighed as he stood in front of the urinal. He had sex with Misato again last night. It started on that one night, then another, then another, and then to the night he reflected on. Given the recent pattern he could not bring himself to be shocked at the idea if she would require his attention again tonight.

One week had passed ever since Misato tried to effectively make him claim he would never reach out to Asuka and it seemed to come at the cost of affording what sleep he could every night. It became so frequent he could not even keep it hidden from Kensuke after a while to which he found himself the subject of his jealousy. As much as he tried to keep himself from slipping into his friend's line of thinking, Shinji found himself having a hard time blaming Kensuke for his observation.

He could not remember when it started but the idea of sex with Misato became a more frequent idea in his mind. Much like the night it began, Misato did sneak her way into his room to initiate another restless night with him but some time after made the first move. He told Asuka he needed help from Misato on his homework only to be the cover he needed to have a turn sleeping with her in her bed that time.

It resumed for the remainder of the week and Shinji found himself a boy's bathroom in NERV struggling to remain prepared for the remainder of the day. He found himself wanting to be in Misato's embrace again but one it would not come until he was made to go home tonight. These thoughts became an issue for him as he looked down at his erection while thoughts of Misato were passing through his mind.

"Shinji? Do you want to become one with me? Do you want to become one, body and soul?"

There were no more thoughts of Asuka and Rei passing through Shinji's mind as he thought about his time in the core of Unit-01. His mind was set and his desires were clear. The woman he found himself reaching out to in a simple desire to ease her pain was the object of his desires. He knew this and long hours would pass before he could return home to reclaim that feeling he wanted.

Right now Shinji was left to himself as he continued to face the urinal but brought his hand around his erect penis. It was not the alternative he hoped for but it proved to be serviceable as he stroked his hand along the length. His hopes of alleviating himself were cut short as soon as he heard the bathroom door to his right open.

With the only defense he had by simply stopping, Shinji kept himself focused on the urinal to give the idea he had just begun to use it. What solitude he anticipated was lost as soon as he heard who greeted him. "How are you Shinji?"

The voice of Kaworu was a pleasant sound but did little to ease Shinji's nerves. He cleared his throat before answering, "Uh... Not bad..."

"So your life continues to be simple. You have found the happiness you desired after all?"

"Uh... yeah, that seems right."

The unexpected came as Shinji felt Kaworu place his hand on his shoulder and tell him, "You still seem rather uneasy about it all. As though you fear it being known."

Struggling to keep himself from seeming intimidated by the gesture, Shinji came up with the best reason he could come off so shaken as he told him, "It's really just a thing between me and her. I just don't know how we keep going is all."

Things did not become easier for him as he felt Kaworu place his chin on his shoulder where his lips were right next to his ear. To push him further, he heard Kaworu tell him, "Asuka seems so happy when she's around you. I can't imagine what could cause that."

Shinji swallowed as he tried to keep himself from panicking as one answer after another made Kaworu's approach come even closer to him. He could not imagine what sort of motives he had in this moment if he was what rumors suggested he was. He was supposed to be an Angel who successfully infiltrated NERV but for some reason never did anything to show what the supposed true mission of their kind was.

The luxury of thinking about such matters clearly was lost to Shinji as Kaworu's advance became inseparable. He could not possibly stand against the strength of an Angel by himself but he could not let the truth of his situation be revealed either. The sheer intensity of the situation was enough to make him feel locked in place and had no opportunity to free himself.

Forcing himself to find another answer to the approach, Shinji explained his nervousness, "We... argued..."

What Kaworu did next was what he had no anticipation for. He lowered his other hand down and brought it to Shinji's erection. The contact earned a gasp from Shinji as he realized how close Kaworu had come while keeping his motives unclear. Even more baffling was how he struggled to find himself willing to fight against what he was enduring.

Shinji could not say that his skin was coarse but the feeling of Kaworu against him made him feel as though he was. If he did not know who was behind him before, he would have thought it was Misato's hand. Knowing who was with him however only made him feel even more alarmed as he felt himself be compromised.

As though he was completely oblivious to the hold he had over Shinji, Kaworu told him, "That is unfortunate. It is part of living but never easy."

Hoping he was still on Kaworu's good side, Shinji added, "I've been... confused..."

The next thing Kaworu did sent a jolt up Shinji's spine as he felt him slide his hand along his erect penis to the tip but then descend to the base. Shinji wondered if Kaworu was doing something to get a feel for some sort of weakness he could exploit and simply had little knowledge of human anatomy.

Kaworu answered Shinji's appeal, "Also unfortunate. It can be difficult to have a clear mind can't it?"

Struggling to maintain a train of thought, Shinji managed, "Y... yes..."

Before Shinji could mister the will to ask what Kaworu was doing he felt his hand slide along his shaft again as it came to the tip and back to the base. He recalled this motion being done by Misato a few times before but it was immediately followed by having him enter her. There was nothing wet or clinging around him here, there was simply the smoothness of Kaworu's skin sliding up and down his.

He did not understand what was happening and before long could not say how much time had passed. He even knew that anyone could walk in right now and force him to find a way to explain what he was allowing to occur. It would have been the best case scenario for him as the knowledge of Kaworu's potential strength made him fear what could happen to him if he stopped cooperating with his gestures.

As time continued to pass, Shinji began to feel a familiar buildup in his penis. Kaworu kept hold as he continued his strokes but they began to quicken a little every bit. The continued pumps forced him to bite his lip as he tried to keep himself from letting out a gasp he feared would make Kaworu deliver a killing blow.

The residual fear he felt in this situation made the final buildup in Shinji feel even more awkward about the release that was coming. It was only a few more strokes before Kaworu made a final one and made Shinji ejaculate into the urinal. He did his best to hold back a gasp from escaping his lips while feeling his head quiver in a struggle to remember not to collide his with Kaworu's.

After a few seconds Shinji felt the ultimate relief come as Kaworu release his grip of Shinji and allow him the freedom he feared he would not have. Hoping that he was free from potential danger of Kaworu, Shinji began to heavily breath as he looked down and saw his erection was relieved. He discovered he would not have relief very soon however as he remembered that only a pair of steps parted from him

Confirming Kaworu did remain next to him, he heard him ask, "Do you feel better Shinji?"

Trying to recompose himself he hurriedly answered, "I... Y-yes..."

Shinji felt Kaworu place his hand back on his shoulder before rubbing slightly and told him, "I apologize but it seemed you were struggling."

Trying to keep himself from sounding suspicious of his intentions, Shinji told him, "I've... never done anything... like that before."

"You have been with Asuka many times. It is clear that you simply wish to have her in your arms again."

The confirmation that he could tell he was still spending nights with someone sent a shiver down Shinji's spine. It did not help that he was allowing a lie to permeate around what was different from what he told Kaworu. What could he say that would keep him from potentially making Kaworu want to hurt him?

Trying to remain passive on the subject made Shinji ask, "You think... it's just that?"

While he was safe for the moment, he received little comfort from Kaworu answering, "That is for you to determine Shinji. She is the one you have sought to comfort and now you seek repercussion. You of all people know that allowing yourself to approach others has its responsibilities. And I am here to make sure that you do."

The last point Kaworu spoke gave Shinji the leeway he believed he needed to ask with the grounds of sincerity, "What are you trying to help me for anyway?"

In one of the few instances where he was glad to hear Kaworu answer in his familiarly serene tone he heard, "It is my intention to make you happy Shinji. Even if I cannot do it myself, I want to make it possible."

Shinji was baffled by the reasoning. He could not imagine Kaworu ever had a reason to care about him before and he didn't have any comprehension now. The implications became even more confusing as he tried to remember the threat of Kaworu being an Angel he should be weary of.

Turning to see Kaworu exit the bathroom, Shinji ventured one final question by asking him, "Do I even know you that well somehow?"

Kaworu paused before giving a simple answer of, "You do."

"You're going to have the baby?"

Misato smiled as she enjoyed her lunch. Seeing Ritsuko's confusion and Kaede's supportiveness amused her. Despite the entertainment, she knew she would have to be careful with how she answered if her security would be assured.

Misato confirmed the request for clarification from her friends, "Yeah. I figure it's probably the best way to make sure Mitsuru wants to stick with me."

The answer proved to not have the intended effect as Kaede pointed out, "Misato a child is more than just means to keep him with you."

Ritsuko agreed, "What's more important is that you are hardly in an ideal position to handle such responsibility."

Waving her hand in dismissal, Misato told her, "I'm a grownup woman Ritsuko. If anything I'm overdue for this."

Kaede countered her confidence, "You never showed this sort of willingness before re e Misato. Being with someone does not mean you will be ready to bring life into this world."

The interest behind Kaede's accusation made Misato ask, "You're not saying this from experience are you?"

Kaede sighed before answering, "I told you about how my mother left me right after I was born right? No one should have to go through that. You can't let this happen unless you are absolutely sure you and Mitsuru will remain together."

Hearing such desperate intention from Kaede made Misato realize how sincere she was in making sure she was making the best decision. Such considerations made her remember why she rarely considered trying to have children before. She did not even consider how seriously this would affect her relationship once she told Shinji. Even more harrowing hoe the truth was inevitably going to come out.

Sighing at the reminder, Misato tried to defend her action by explaining, "Well... I've been making a few lifestyle changes over the past few weeks or so. I think I'll be able to work my way into this."

Ritsuko remained resigned to her friend's decision as she accepted, "You are not past the point of changing your mind. But if you are so certain then you I will respect your choice."

Kaede agreed, "It seems we will be seeing a very different side of you soon Misato."

Feeling comfortable with the approval, Misato asked, "So you plan on finding your own man soon enough right Kaede? I'm sure we'd be great moms together don't you think?"

Kaede reminded, "I have been searching for the right man. It's more important for Ritsuko to start thinking if she is ever going to look don't you think?"

Ritsuko had a more dire reminder as she added, "The Angels are still a major threat for all of us. Even when there are no more, there will be challenges after they are gone."

It was Ritsuko's point that made Misato realize just how poorly she was thinking ahead when it came to her condition. Even if Shinji was happy to see this happen, even if she was willing to tell the world about her affair, life had more to challenge her. She was being kept in the dark of how many Angels were left and there was a simple question of how she could make herself bring new life into a world like this one. It was difficult enough for her to handle her own issues, how well off would someone under her care be? This point was even more hard hitting when she considered how she would essentially be taking care of Shinji as well.

Admitting her faulty thoughts, Misato agreed, "Maybe I should have tried thinking better about it."

Kaede came to her defense as she asked Ritsuko, "You don't think she is ready for this? We don't even know how Mitsuru will accept this. He seems like a nice man and I'm sure he would be supportive of Misato."

Ritsuko elaborated, "He very well could be. It is still your choice Misato. You still have another two months if you want me to provide you an abortion pill."

What was clearly the first step in making sure her friends would be in making them accept her new aspirations to becoming a mother finally felt solidified. The reminder of who they thought the father was however was still lingering on Misato's mind as she remembered there what sort of dangerous territory she was placing herself in. It seemed as though she had achieved her own victory but was still a long way from being able to live a life free of judgment.

Thankful things at least seemed to be headed on the right direction for her, Misato turned to Ritsuko, "Thanks but you might be waiting for nothing. I'm just done shrinking away from things because they could be difficult."

Nodding in acceptance of her decision, Ritsuko told her, "It's good of you to have commitment Misato but I doubt you will be congratulated for demonstrating it. Even if you are, you will have to remember how fleeting that happiness might be."

Disappointed to see her remain certain of the possibility of failure, Misato acknowledged, "Probably. Still seems better than just rotting away after so much."

Kaede agreed, "You have certainly been acting differently ever since Kaji's death. I was worried you might have been inviting yourself to one of tour usual one and dones."

Hoping to lighten the mood, Misato joked, "That's gonna be part of the old me soon enough. The bigger sacrifice is going to be kicking myself off the Yebisu. I bet nobody thinks I'm gonna pull that off."

Kaede added, "I'm sure everyone will be happy to see you turn over a new leaf like this. We just need to make sure NERV is successful so we can enjoy that future."

Misato accepted the possibility before requesting, "I know that's part of it. But can you just try and keep this to yourselves still? I'm not exactly looking to celebrate just yet. I still need to tell Mitsuru at some point."

The reminder made Kaede hesitate before answering, "Well that certainly is something you need to do. You should know this only means he is going to find out from you just so you know."

Ritsuko resigned herself to Misato's choice but took the opportunity to warn, "He has to be the first to know. If he learns from anyone else, he will not look at you favorably."

Misato kept herself from calling out what she saw as Ritsuko's hypocrisy. Whether it was because they were in a public space or a how she still cared a little about her, Misato could not bring herself to be vindictive towards her. Doing so would not bring her any closer to funding out how she could stop NERV's plans with SEELE and possibly compromise everything Kyoya was doing right now. She was left hoping that whatever eyes he had around the base were currently observing what she was discussing.

Even as she considered what she was dealing with she was still looking over the edge of a cliff. Progressing forward on her journey through life demanded that she not look for a way around the obstacle but be ready to plunge into it. The analogy disappointed her and everything she thought she was achieving.

Searching for the best chance she had to avoid losing the good faith she had from her friends, Misato reasoned, "Well... I'm sure he'll be fine. He has to be at least kind of alright with the idea of having children."

While Kaede was relieved to hear Misato's decision she reminded, "It is going to take more than removing beer from your usual diet. Relationships are never easy, particularly when two people are unwilling to change."

Ritsuko took hold if her drink as she told both Misato and Kaede, "It is natural for humans to seek ways to change themselves. It is a choice they must commit to and be willing to overcome an even greater obstacle. Remaining in favor if those they wish to keep close to them."

The day could not end any sooner for Shinji as he forced himself to go through the remainder of the day after his recent encounter with Kaworu. He could not say he was ever attracted to a boy before, let alone wonder how two of them would have sex. The aftermath of his situation left him wondering if what Kaworu did was in fact how it was done.

As his thoughts went in such a direction, Shinji shook his head every time he thought about it. There could not be any possibility that he was interested in Kaworu in that way. The knowledge of him being an Angel was more than enough to make him question his intentions.

It was as soon as he reminded himself of that detail that Shinji wondered what caused that moment to happen. Ever since the day they both met it seemed as though he was interested in how he was around others. Most critically how he was fascinated by the fact he was apparently in love.

It was difficult for Shinji to muster the will to tell Kensuke about what just happened but finally managed to reveal what was bothering him. It left Kensuke wide eyed as though he just heard Shinji take on an action that placed him in danger. He knew he could not keep his thoughts to himself though as he feared where this conversation could go.

"He... He really... went there?"

Shinji knew he would be met with disbelief and could not bring himself to blame Kensuke. He struggled to imagine Kaworu would have done anything so intrusive himself. He only had a little idea of what sort of person Kaworu was but struggled to see him as someone who disregard all sense of personal space.

Continuing with his account he confirmed, "I don't get what he was doing that for. Did he ever seem like that kind of person to you?"

Kensuke sighed as he recalled, "Kaworu doesn't seem to come out much. It's like him and Ayanami are siblings or something. Either somebody is misreporting what he is or he's the worst Angel we've ever had to deal with."

With the immediate concern of what his current situation was, Shinji wondered, "Who am I supposed to tell about this?"

Kensuke found himself sympathetic to Shinji's difficulty to remain focused on what was probably the bigger issue. Every day was a balancing act that seemed to make him choose between digging further to discover SEELE or help him manage the confusion of his relationship with Misato. Providing minimal drops of information onto his website and giving Shinji generic advice seemed to do little but keep the year of 2015 in a standstill.

Taking a breath to prepare himself for the list of grievances Shinji might have, Kensuke answered, "Well I know you don't like the idea but you'll have to tell Misato at some point."

To his relief it seemed there was little Shinji could argue against as he asked, "I do don't I? Will she even believe me?"

Less sure of himself than before, Kensuke tried to raise his spirits by asking, "She's been trusting you so far right? I'm sure this won't break anything."

Accepting the condition placed upon him, Shinji tried to change the subject by asking, "I hope so. Have... you been safe?"

Realizing he was referring to his secret mission of trying to dig further into the depths of NERV, Kensuke looked to his left as he answered, "About as good as I can be. My charms with Maya haven't exactly worked like I hoped."

While his clearly underlying intention to make her his girlfriend was obvious to him, this combined with his inability to dive any further into NERV's secret purpose made Shinji struggle to keep himself from revealing his disappointment. Trying to correct his current mindset, he asked Kensuke, "Would she even know anything?"

Shrugging his shoulders, Kensuke reasoned, "I thought it was worth a try. Not sure who else I could smooth talk around here."

"Shinji? Don't I get to talk to you boys?"

Looking up to see Asuka making her way to them, Shinji scrambled to find a cover fir him as he answered, "Uh... Asuka... I... We were just talking about..."

Kensuke finished the thought for him as he raised his hands and told her, "I'm trying to date Maya and it's not going like I thought."

God what has come over you both?! Is Shinji starting an epidemic or something?!

Asuka laughed before telling him, "You're so silly Kensuke. Not as charming as my Shinji but that is entertaining to hear."

Kensuke relaxed himself as he accepted, "Heh... yeah, I'm hoping I can hear that from my own girl one day."

"It will be difficult the way you're doing it." The three children saw Mitsuru making his way up to then as he told them, "The next round of tests are about to start. Might want to get headed down pretty soon. Oh and Kensuke, can I talk to you for a minute?"

Not seeing the harm, Kensuke accepted, "Okay, if I get chewed out though, I'm letting everybody know."

Mitsuru waved a hand in dismissal, "That's fine, I can certainly take the blame."

Turning his attention to Shinji, Kensuke told him, "Looks like I'll see you in a bit."

The boys parted as Shinji told him, "Yeah, see you."

Shinji and Asuka left Kensuke and Mitsuru to themselves before Mitsuru asked, "So you're the one Maya has been talking about huh?"

Hopeful this was the extent of where he was going, Kensuke nodded, "Uh, yeah. Listen of I'm in your way I can stop."

"It's not like that. If you're being honest I already know what you're after."

Hearing the second part made Kensuke feel as though his skin was about to jump off. From what little he knew about others trying to find their way though NERV to discover its secrets, it seemed there was no way for fellow searchers to find a sense of agreement. If Mitsuru was honest with his lead, he believed there must have been a reason to trust him just a little.

Remaining safe with his words, Kensuke confirmed, "I... didn't know you were looking as well."

"Unfortunately it's because of my position that I don't have the freedom to search. I'm pretty sure if you wanted to extract anything new though, Ayanami actually has been overhearing what you might want to know."

The mention of Rei's surname captured Kensuke's attention and made him ask, "Really? She's the one being trusted?"

Mitsuru nodded as he confirmed, "It's convenient isn't it? If you just go to her you should be able to make progress."

Looking down the halls where Shinji and Asuka left, Kensuke gave a parting word, "Never thought you'd be this much help Mitsuru. I'll make sure you don't lose any credit."

Waving him back, Mitsuru watched Kensuke race his way down the halls to catch up to his friends. Pocketing his hand he lamented, "I wish it was that simple..."

The amount of tension Shinji had to deal with affected his synch results and it was clear to the two he lived with. There was no way for him to avoid telling them he was shaken by what had just happened earlier today and there was no way for him to avoid making a reveal. At this point he came to wonder how Asuka would react as she continued to demonstrate an unhealthy amount of good faith towards him. It was not the first thing he found himself wondering if it was something he normally would have done and feared it would not be the last either.

You deserve that you pervert! I hope he violates your asshole next! See how you like being taken advantage of!

"That's terrible! How could Kaworu bother you like that?"

Shinji was not sure what else he could have expected but found himself disappointed. He had all but given up on trying to bring out the old Asuka but at this point hoped she would finally show some sense of feeling betrayed. As it was she was still seeing him as a victim again and having done nothing to shake her desire for him.

Trying to brush off what happened, Shinji told her, "He sounded like he wanted to help me."

I bet that's not all he wants! Now how is Miss parent of the year going to take it from you?!

"That doesn't make it okay for him to do that! You should tell everyone about this!"

Misato realized she was being referred to when she saw Asuka turn to her. She thought trying to reveal her pregnancy would be the most difficult thing for her that night but Shinji's experience caught her by complete surprise. She still struggled to imagine the possibility of Kaworu being an Angel but this recollection not only deepened her uncertainty, it made her question what led up to that moment.

Forcing herself to answer Asuka's suggestion, Misato finally spoke, "I'll make sure we get a report through. Just try not to think about it that much."

Like I'd want to think of that creep! He and Rei are on the same team trying to mess with us I bet!

While forced to accept the presence of this new Asuka, Shinji felt himself depressed by how it seemed there was another day with no answers other than where he was now. Life continued to be difficult for him and he was not sure how anyone could be enthusiastic about living another day. He found himself worried that he might not even have the one bit of assurance he had grown accustomed to every night after this.

Desperate to keep himself from being placed under any more discretion he asked, "Can you help me out with my homework Miss Misato?"

Recognizing the suggestion, Misato hesitated before accepting, "Be sure to bring everything."

Again huh?! What is it this time? Are you two playing teacher and student again?! All while talking about reporting Mister Freakazoid?! Hypocrites! You're such God damn hypocrites!

Moaning at the request, Asuka whined, "Again? Shinji when can I have a turn helping?"

Misato found herself wondering what the old Asuka would have said if she were here and knew every detail of what brought them here. Her presence alone had probably been the barrier that prevented this relationship she was in from occurring and would have been the better choice for Shinji in the long run. Just thinking about such a possible alternate outcome made her wonder how much of what she was doing was to the benefit of anyone. If Shinji's growing uncertainty was serving as foreshadowing, she feared it might soon take him to a dark place in his life.

Forcing herself to come up with an answer she told Asuka, "When he feels like it... I'm sure that will be soon..."

Shinji could not tell what Misato was feeling as they made their way to her bedroom but felt an all too familiar weight bearing on him as he entered. It seemed that things were starting to become simple for him again with a sense of routine but this one situation was enough to throw his daily progression out of a sense of security. All of his feelings were called into question as soon as he heard how Misato would approach him.

"Did you enjoy it?"

Shinji was left baffled by the question. He never imagined Misato would have tried to interrogate him over a situation that troubled him. He thought he saw a beacon of understanding and care from her before but she was now being fogged by a temper that threatened to overtake her.

Desperate to keep himself from giving the wrong answer, he stuttered, "Did... did I... like... that?"

Accustomed to his fear of trying to remain in the right at this point, Misato confirmed his suspicion, "I know it's difficult but that's what I want to know."

Desperation to free himself of the suspicion weighing on him served as the basis for Shinji answering, "No. Not even a little. I was scared the whole time."

Misato felt so little relief from Shinji's certainty that she wondered why she even asked. He managed to find a way to kiss Asuka without her knowledge and now he was here confessing a confrontation Misato never expected. She could not imagine how she could have felt any better about her situation but nothing came to mind how she could have felt less dismissed than now.

Sitting on her futon, Misato asked, "So you just never saw Kaworu that way? You just think you're being tugged on regularly?"

There was no sense of teasing in Misato's questions. The situation had become so serious that the woman Shinji came to admire showed little interest in his own struggles. He could not specify when but the weight of the interrogation caused him to fall to his knees and gaze at the floor beneath him. Only one of his attempts to reach out to another caused him to place his current relationship in jeopardy while the other he could genuinely say was not his own doing. Both coming from people he thought he had a reason to trust on some level but were making his secret affair with Misato more difficult than he thought it would be.

Seeing Shinji reflect on the questions she gave earlier made Misato remember how little he had really changed by now. She always imagined she was the object of desire for boys Shinji's age, as evidenced by his own friends, but he struggled to imagine how he should have been capable of making them both happy to be together. What should have been an absurd hypothetical was instead a riddle that made him simply want to push through the remainder of his day until he could return to the waning hours of the day where he could rest in her arms.

Knowing he would hope for that outcome at some point, Misato threatened to deny it from him before hearing him manage an answer. "That's what my whole life has been."

Before Misato was another reminder of what sort of responsibility she had taken upon herself. She was with a boy who believed he was meant to do only specific things and never deviate. Who felt worthless if he did not prove himself. He would struggle for a long time if not for the rest if his life to understand the idea if loving someone without conditions or expectations from others.

Misato found herself so lost in the nature of her relationship with him that she almost forgot what she was preparing herself to tell Shinji. It should have been the most important thing that night but everything that was revealed before became more immediate and worrying for her. What strength she had in asserting her own interests before anything else was left to wane.

This evaluation of her state made Misato amazed she could tell him, "There's something you need to know Shinji."

Lifting his head to see Misato appearing drained from her interrogation, Shinji asked, "How serious is it?"

Crossing her arms and biting her lip in a struggle to manage the words, Misato finally told him, "If you hear anyone say that I'm out with Mitsuru, it's not real. It's a cover for us."

Shinji felt a small bit of relief from what he heard as he told her, "Okay. I understand."

Nodding her head, Misato accepted, "You would wouldn't you?"

After not seeing Rei Ayanami for so long, Kensuke could not tell what he expected to see after finding her. Much to his relief he was able to discover that her recent solitude was due to her being isolated in her own private quarters in NERV headquarters. The old apartment building she occupied was abandoned and she did not attend school anymore. After wondering what happened to her, he found himself on the trail of discovering what happened to her.

Stepping inside he looked around and asked, "Ayanami? Hello?"

There was a short silence that lingered in the dark room before Kensuke heard Rei answer, "It is you again."

With only the cone of light from outside as his only way of looking into the darkness of the room, Kensuke hoped Rei was simply asleep and not doing so as a habit. Her complete indifference to the one she was speaking to was by now something he had gotten used to but now carried a sense of sorrow from what she was.

Attempting to carry a conversation, Kensuke asked, "Is it okay with you if I turn on a light Ayanami?"

He found himself shaken as soon as Rei simply answered, "I have none." Before he could ask anything else, Kensuke saw Rei stepping out of the shadows and into the cone of light his open door gave. He saw a sight of Rei he never hoped to see repeated.

Across her left eye was a patch while the top if her head was covered with bandages. Her left arm was also in a cast while she struggled to keep herself standing. Much like her retrieval from the destruction of Unit-00, she was visibly injured after being brought to the edge of death.

Kensuke shivered at the sight of Rei in such a display and struggled to speak. While he could not say she was in peak condition before, the sight of her maintaining injuries right now was a chilling sight that made it difficult for him to keep his own thoughts in order. Rei regained his attention as she asked, "You were ordered here?"

Unable to keep his curiosity from boiling over, Kensuke asked, "What happened to you? I thought you were recovering."

Rei stepped towards Kensuke with a folded piece of paper in hand, "I have. I needed correction. And you require context." Hopeful the paper would answer what happened to Rei, Kensuke eagerly accepted it. What anticipation he had for answers were cut short as soon as he heard Rei warn, "If you were ordered here by anyone other than the commander, you will adhere to the instructions. You place your life and the lives of your friends on the line otherwise."

The warning set Kensuke on edge as he heard what Rei wanted him to do. Desperate to understand what she was trying to warn he asked, "W... what instructions? How are we in danger?" Rei simply pointed to the paper in Kensuke's hand as if it was all the answer he needed. Pressing further he asked, "Can I... see you again?" Rei kept her finger pointed at the paper as the only sign of a response Kensuke would receive. Desperate to hear her say anything else, Kensuke asked in rapid succession, "Who did this to you?! How did it happen?! Did Mitsuru do all this?! Why are you playing along with them?!"

There was a change but not what Kensuke was hoping for. Rei raised her finger to point behind Kensuke to the door he just entered. Seeing nothing behind him made one thing clear to Kensuke. She wanted him gone.

Turning around in defeat and fearing for her life, Kensuke attempted one final question by asking, "Can we ever talk again?"

A long silence lingered as the only answer Kensuke would receive. Rei Ayanami had nothing else to say and would leave him completely in the dark of what was happening. With nothing else to accomplish, Kensuke slowly walked out of Rei's quarters before looking at what he was given. The paper in his hands only gave three words as instructions. 'Do not speak.'

Shinji could not begin to describe how his life was headed I what seemed to be another path he had no control over. It all began with his reaching out to Misato last night but was met with a hesitant denial. After what he believed was a nightly demand from her he found himself being pushed away and feared what his confession did to her.

He was left unsure of what to think having been given solitude he never thought he would feel again. The isolation left him conflicted how he should have felt as he had grown so used to the act but now was asked to give space that he himself was denied for so long. His confusion accumulated as he found himself without any answers for what made Misato act this way.

All he had as an explanation was a heavy set of words as she told him, "I don't know what to think Shinji. I just... need to think..."

Shinji tried to recall if there was any sense of callousness in his response as he asked, "It's not because of what happened today is it?"

Instead of answering, Misato left him with a cryptic response that made it difficult for him to sleep that night. "There was a time you wanted me so much. It just feels like it isn't there now."

Misato was right. On his third date with her, Shinji was worried that he was doing something to push her away or make her seek out an alternative. He found himself fearing it might have been the reason for him taking her to bed on his own call that night.

How many times did he reach out to her because she wanted it? He thought the past week alone should have been enough for him to make up for any instances he advanced when she did not show it. What chilled him however was the reminder of the time where he forced himself on her. She might have denied it was an act of rape but the shame of his intention to claim her was a weight that still found itself weighing him down.

Hopeful he could rely on someone for advice, he searched for Kensuke as he made his way to school the next morning. If there was anyone he could easily rely on at this point it was the one friend who did not show himself to be intentionally cryptic in providing him answers. He found himself wishing those days could have remained.

As he found him in his classroom, Shinji greeted, "Hey Kensuke. Can I talk to you at lunch again?" He was not even greeted with a groan of annoyance. The one friend Shinji was sure had reason to trust remained focused on his laptop screen as though he was the only person in the room.

Confused by the complete indifference towards him, Shinji pressed, "Are you busy right now?"

Still no answer. Kensuke remained focused on his screen. Desperate for a response Shinji pleaded, "If I did something wrong, just please tell me what it is."

Shinji finally received an answer for his troubles but not the kind he had been hoping for. Kensuke simply pointed to his computer screen as a clue for what he was supposed to do. Before either of them could exchange any further, their professor made his way in and stepped up to the chalkboard.

Sitting in his seat and preparing to listen to another long lecture, Shinji realized what an opportunity he had. He used the communication feature to see if Kensuke was saying anything. He was disappointed to see that he did not already send him a message.

Desperate to hear anything out of him, Shinji sent a message to him.

Kensuke, what's wrong?

It was a few seconds before Shinji received an answer back. He was initially relieved to see that Kensuke was responding but was not eased by how it only consisted of one word.

Website.

It only took a brief instant for Shinjj to realize where he was being redirected. Kensuke was not willing to say anything aloud but his website on the internet was the one place where he could supposedly make his thoughts known without any danger. The idea sent a chill down Shinji's spine as he realized where that line if thinking would take him.

If there was any reason Kensuke was not willing to speak it had to be because he was afraid of being overheard. He needed to be kept quiet for some reason. The only clear possibility was the idea that he needed him to be silenced for some reason.

Shinji was unsure which was a more alarming idea for him, the possibility that Kensuke might have been in danger or that someone else in NERV knew his secret. The only fear he knew he could address in this moment was finding out just how much danger either of them were. He felt himself quiver at the idea but prepared to find out what sort of circumstances were at play in the background.

Making sure he was not being paid attention to by his professor, Shinji activated the internet on his computer and prepared himself for another major discovery. Typing out the address from memory it was not long before he found himself on the ATURE website Kensuke was leading to. It was here that Shinji discovered everything going on with Kensuke.

Clicking on the topmost topic of the discussion board, Shinji read the recent report on what development occurred within NERV.

This is really bad. Somebody at NERV knows about me. They've beat up one of our own and now they're watching me everywhere. If I say anything, I mean like actually speak, in public... I don't know what they'll do. Any of the others could get injured or worse. Updates have not been great but I don't know what else I can do now.

Shinji struggled to imagine how he could have responded to that report. He remembered a time where he warned Kensuke might find himself in deep trouble for revealing anything about NERV to the public but here it was now for him to see. Under such careful observation that he would be harmed of he slipped up on a very broad rule.

Turning to see him focused on his computer, Shinji tried to see if Kensuke was acting any different but saw him turn his head to him. He simply nodded before returning his attention to his screen to appear as if he was taking notes. What he believed at first was as an attempt to keep himself indifferent to Shinji's curiosity had become a very different sight now that he knew the context. A hidden layer that made him begin to wonder just how safe everyone around him was.

A/N: Happy May the 4th everybody! I actually didn't plan to release this chapter today but recent plans just worked out that way. If anything I hope releasing it this early gives you something to enjoy over the weekend.

I have to admit, the opening probably feels a bit out of place or just what you might not have been here for. A big part of it basically comes from me trying to capture the sort of character Kaworu is while providing another big obstacle that will contribute to snowballing into a major event later on. If anything, I can reveal this much: I plan on having it tie into a future chapter where this will ideally serve as a gut punch for Shinji despite what he already knows.

Most of the rest has been intrigue development as part of said snowballing now that things become more difficult for the characters to process. That much is going to come further ahead the further in we go but that will be up to future chapters and the further in we go as well. I hope you all enjoy this one until then and hope you get around to seeing Season 2 of Star Wars Visions while you're at it, see you all next chapter.