Chapter 24: Are We So Fragile?

There was little assurance on Shinji's mind when he heard Kensuke's case was about to be taken into consideration. The day after the Angel attack greeted him with another silent Kensuke who was afraid of letting himself be heard. He became a stark contrast to the friend he knew was proud and eager to boast his ability to destroy Iblis just a little over a month ago.

Misato could not say her life was any easier. The expectations following her around work, the stress of her pregnancy, and being forced in edge for a conspiracy that was making its way through NERV left her shaken in who and what she could trust. Even the few friends she thought she could rely on did not seem to be so trustworthy. She could only imagine how difficult it was becoming for Shinji to manage.

Her thoughts lingered on the subject before she heard Kaede greet, "Misato, do you still feel fine?"

Turning to see her, Misato welcomed back, "Hey Kaede. A little under the weather but that's it."

"I'm sure that must be the case. I take it Mitsuru must know by now?"

The lie Misato started around NERV was still circulating. Her attempts to hide her relationship with Shinji started a rumor that left her amazed she did not have to see Mitsuru come up to her himself and set the record straight. She even found herself wondering how she could keep this going with how often it seemed like she had to keep repeating what she hid.

Sighing, Misato answered, "We've both been pretty busy. It's not like the old days isn't it?"

"It seems more likely that neither of you trust each other."

Misato found herself becoming increasingly uneasy with the observation being brought up. Such a suggestion was a perfect window for someone to pry into what she was keeping hidden. Especially if there was something about Mitsuru that she did not know that was only now coming to light.

Trying to keep herself from appearing dismissive, Misato turned to Kaede and asked, "How... do you mean?"

The last thing Misato expected Kaede to do was pull a gun on her but she found herself looking right at a barrel in just a quick second. The sight of the gun did not send fear down her spine but the fact that one of her friends was willing to threaten her life left her speechless. The barrel of the gun remained fixed right between her eyes and demanded her absolute concentration as her survival instincts tried to determine how she could survive this encounter.

Kaede's voice shook as she demanded of Misato, "It's been this far into the day and you haven't heard about him? How he has had other duties beside you?"

Hope that she had a window to save herself made Misato attempt to appeal to her friend's better faith by telling her, "Kaede I really don't understand what you're getting at."

Kaede forced her remaining free hand around the grip of her gun as she kept herself from trembling before accusing, "Unless you're being compliant with him don't understand how you could have missed it."

Shaking her head in denial, Misato corrected, "Kaede I'm being serious!"

Kaede did not lower her gun but softened her gaze on Misato as she asked, "So he never told you? About his duties outside of NERV?"

Remaining fixed in Kaede's eyes this time, Misato confirmed, "Never..."

The answer made Kaede force herself to hold her gun ready as she kept herself focused to tell her, "I want to trust you Misato. But you're making it very difficult for me. Mitsuru would never allow himself to slip like this."

"I don't see how he did."

"Starting an affair with you like this and being so irresponsible? No one could afford to be so careless."

"Okay... who is he working with?"

Just as soon as Misato thought she was about to get somewhere near freedom she found Kaede remaining as dedicated to holding her gun as she countered, "The important part is that I have to know how compliant you are with him. Are you working with him? Or are you holding back another lie?"

Misato's lip trembled as she found herself backed into such a corner. She knew someone would try to find out the truth one day but she hoped it would not have been so soon. Worst of all how there was no chance for her to escape. It was either answer and risk her death or live with the consequences of giving the truth.

Struggling to force an answer made Misato finally respond, "I... I couldn't... bring myself to say who it was..."

Fixing her full attention back to Misato, Kaede removed the barrel of the gun from Misato's forehead before warning, "Tell me. Is Mitsuru the father? I'll know if you're lying this time."

Misato was still hesitant as she managed to ask, "And what's your plan if I tell the truth?"

Unwilling to let the original question linger any longer, Kaede stepped towards Misato as she demanded, "Just tell me who the father is and I won't report you to the commander for insurrection!"

Misato looked down accepting there was no longer a chance for her to hide what had become her most demanding secret. Feeling her very soul weigh heavy upon her she warned, "I get this is important to you... but we won't come out the same again after this..."

Kaede trembled as she kept herself steady and aimed her gun at Misato countering, "You did that when you started this..."

"The father... is not... Mitsuru... It's... Shinji..."

What little strength Kaede had left as soon as Misato's answer resonated through her mind. The two women stood in front if one another as they were left thankful that no one was there to find them. The idea it was the only good thing about the two did nothing to ease the tension that formed between them.

Hearing the name of the father of Misato's baby proved to be a harrowing revelation that caused Kaede to step away with her eyes widened while the gun she held fell to the ground. She stepped backwards before finding herself against the wall as though someone suddenly had a more dangerous weapon drawn to her. While Misato was hopeful the truth would at best make people around her view her differently, the sight of her friend in absolute fear was a harrowing sight that made her feel regret for what she had done.

Placing her hands against the wall behind her and looking at Misato with the same face of fear she had before, Kaede struggled to find the will she had before in such a revelation. Misato tried to snap her to attention by asking, "Kaede?"

Kaede's lips trembled as she demanded, "Tell me that's not true... Please... I thought you were... better than this..."

Misato had nothing. There was no answer she could immediately turn to and say it was how she could come out feeling like her decision was in the right. Not an answer she could say that would make her feel she could still be friends with Kaede anyway. Then again, she knew it would never be easy to confess in the first place.

With nothing other than the truth to explain herself, Misato revealed, "I... I let this happen... I really thought I was better than this but... I just let it happen..."

Desperation flooded it's way through Kaede as she tried to rationalize what she was hearing. She did not want to believe Misato was so desperate for someone else's affection that she would turn to one of the Eva pilots. Let alone the one she assigned herself to be the guardian of.

This desperation continued to flood Kaede's mind as she warned, "Misato... You... I told you I would know if you were lying..."

Remaining dedicated to her answer, Misato confirmed, "That's why I didn't try this time."

Her willingness to cooperate with her did nothing to ease Kaede's astonishment at what she was being forced to accept. Deep down she hoped Misato was doing everything she could to avoid revealing that she knew of Mitsuru's supposed double agency. To her it was a preferable outcome than hearing someone who served as her superior and had a good amount of respect for did something so heinous to her.

Pressing further with her desperation made Kaede demand, "Don't do this to me Misato! Please tell me you didn't do that to Shinji!"

Misato struggled to keep herself from reaching out to Kaede as she feared what making another step would do. What fear she had in that moment was overpowered by the regret she had in forcing Kaede to hear, "I told you. You said you would know the truth."

Stomping up to her and grabbing Misato by the collar before falling to her knee in front of her, Kaede forced what she could out of her voice, "I will know for sure this time Misato! Stop lying and tell me who the father is!"

Seeing her friend reduced to such a desperate state made Misato begin to feel the familiar sickness that seemed to come out of nowhere ever since her affair with Shinji began weeks ago. Kaede truly had no desires to make Misato suffer but the idea she was carrying such a crime left her realizing that one of the most horrifying things an adult could have done to a child was on the shoulders of her superior. For all the mystery and suspicion that found its way around NERV, Misato had just committed an act that would place her under serious scrutiny at best.

Placing a hand on Kaede, Misato told her, "You cared this much... I have no right to turn to you..."

There was no more denying what she had been forced to hear. Kaede received the truth from Misato and she would not hear anything else. It was a reality that she never wanted to see realized but was right in front of her.

Releasing her hold of Misato's collar, Kaede backed away and hung her head at the realization. Her arms shook before she managed, "You... did that... to a child..."

What little sense of intimidation Misato felt by Kaede's threats were replaced with a mighty ton of guilt for making someone she respected discover what she had done. With nowhere to run Misato accepted how she was being looked down on as she agreed, "It was wrong of me. I have no excuse."

"Acknowledging what you did does not redeem you." Kaede countered. "That boy lost his innocence already... and you just took his childhood..."

Hearing what she had done in such a way made Misato feel a new sense of guilt that she only considered before. Indeed the day she brought him to NERV to pilot Unit-01, what period of innocence Shinji might have had before was once and for all gone in his new place in such a devastated world as this one. It was the night she selfishly sought Shinji's attention and shared his first night in bed with him that she took away what little chance he had left for a future where he could be a normal child his age. The consequence of such a desire firmly reminding her of what she had done resided inside her and seemed to be growing heavier by the second as though she would give birth right that instant.

Seeing Kaede struggle to even stand made Misato agree, "It was wrong of me. And I can't make up for it can I?"

Raising her attention to Misato, Kaede confirmed, "You are a terrible human being Misato. Losing Kaji should not have made you so weak."

Seeing the root cause of what brought Misato to this moment made her discover just what she had allowed to pass. She was weak. She had no reason to defend herself. She would only be an even worse individual if she tried to explain or rationalize it.

Focused on the ground and accepting that her friendship with Kaede was likely lost to the past, Misato knew the only thing she could do was agree, "I'm... I am... aren't I?"

Kaede was unsatisfied with the confession but still struggled to find the words necessary to further talk down to what Misato had become to her. A few seconds passed before she managed, "If... Once I see an instant where Shinji loses his emotional stability... When that becomes observable... I will make you suffer. NERV and the authorities will have their way with you."

Looking back up in time to only see Kaede walking away from her, Misato asked, "Not now?"

Kaede stopped in place as she answered, "If I had the grounds to prove it I would. You may have the technicalities of the law on your side, but you won't be able to hide something just as bad."

Concluding that she had broken the most important standard Kaede held made Misato admit, "I really am unforgivable now aren't I?"

Kaede gave a brief glance before finally walking away, "You are Misato. You did something I can never forgive anyone else for doing."

Kaede made sure no one was able to follow her as she left Misato to contemplate the implications of what she had done. How guilty her superior officer felt was of no concern to her as she had just discovered one of the worst things she could have imagined anyone doing. A matter so important to her that she said everything she could think of to make her say it was not so.

She was forced to face that reality now and she felt a responsibility to handle it. Least of which she would keep herself from showing herself being so shaken. The first person she would talk to about this discovery was another matter entirely.

To her convenience, Kaede saw the person she had anticipated to meet with first down the hall across from her. Crossing her arms and composing herself, Kaede announced, "It's worse than we anticipated."

The issues Shinji had with keeping himself assured followed him into his recent synch tests. He could not decide if he would have rather been in school simply going through the motions like usual at this point or having an indirect way of confirming that he was indeed disturbed by Kensuke's threat. Even worse he seemed to have no one around who was able to understand his fear. Ritsuko was indifferent, Kaworu had no knowledge of what was happening, Asuka was focused on him, and Kensuke was still the target himself.

He was surrounded by people but they may as well have been dolls. Shinji came to believe that everyone around him was too afraid to reveal their true selves for whatever reason and were more content to keep themselves presentable. For all he knew this was probably how humans naturally were and he only now began to realize this was the case. The idea that one truth being released to everyone would be enough to cause the whole world around him crashing down like a display cabinet the dolls of humanity sat upon.

What came to alarm Shinji the most was that he had thoughts of seeing that cabinet coming down as he pushed it. The possibility that his father would be successful in realizing human instrumentality and he would be among the rubble. Him with Misato and all.

Shinji's train of thought was interrupted as soon as he heard someone greet, "Shinji. You have completed your tests?"

Looking up, Shinji saw Mitsuru standing across from him. Not having many chances to meet him before, he was not sure what to think of him as a person. He found that he would have to remain in such mystery but would come to dread what he had to be told.

Shinji greeted back, "Yeah. Not much happened."

What little sense of ease Shinji had before faded as Mitsuru warned, "Just another day huh? Listen, I know who you live with and all but you can't allow yourself to be easy to exploit as well."

Caught off guard by the sudden turn in conversation, Shinji stepped back and asked, "What... do you mean?"

Mitsuru had no sense of assurance as he approached Shinji and asked, "Misato didn't tell you?"

Feeling further confused by Mitsuru's cryptic nature, Shinji shook his head asking, "About what?"

Handing him a folded piece of paper Mitsuru answered, "It's about Kensuke."

Reaching out for the paper, Shinji shakily opened it and read what was within. He was not sure what he could have expected to read that Misato could not say in person but felt the sense of dread he feared pour down on him. It found it's way upon him with every word of the letter he read.

Shinji,
I know what you did. Stop this act now. I don't want you to end up like Kaji.
Misato

It was here that Shinji felt as though his whole world was crumbling around him. The one person he believed was still open to being with him had at some point discovered what he did. What felt like years ago, the time when he stole Misato's last gift from Kaji, was now catching up to him in a way he did not hope for.

He could not tell how long he stood waiting to hear anything else but heard Mitsuru ask, "Does it affect you that much Shinji?"

Looking back up to Mitsuru, Shinji found himself afraid to reveal all of the context behind what he had just learned as he asked, "I... I don't get it... How did this... happen?"

He could not tell if he should have been thankful or not that Mitsuru did not ask for further details but Shinji struggled to determine if what he would be told was any better. "It happened Shinji. You can't change what happened and you can't run from it either. Running from this will only make it worse. It's up to you now. Speak to Misato about this."

Struggling to keep himself steady, Shinji managed, "How... did you... know?"

Mitsuru sighed before telling him, "Misato does not hand out letters to people for something she's afraid to discuss in person. If you're lucky you'll be old enough to understand that holding back anything rarely ever makes the lives of anyone else better."

Shinji looked down in disappointment as he realized what he was being asked to face. What could he do in this situation? Misato knew everything about him and was revealing that she feared for his life. As much as he wanted to chant to himself that he shouldn't run away in this moment, he could not tell if he was stuck in a closed room or simply did not have legs.

Unable to see what else he could have done to escape the torment surrounding him, Shinji turned to the hallways that waited to guide him to the exit before parting, "I... thanks Mitsuru... I have to... face this now..."

Watching Shinji make his way down the hall, Mitsuru accepted, "I'm sorry this had to happen Shinji." He kept his focus on him as he grew smaller in the distance while recoiling at what he had set in motion as added under his breath, "I really am sorry..."

Every step Shinji took as he made his way back to Misato's apartment felt like a walk towards an execution. With the recent reveal of what his guardian apparently already knew, he could not help but feel he was walking into that minefield he envisioned before. Not even by carrying the monster that gnawed at him, just walking forward into a land where he would immediately meet his death.

There was no lingering at the door, no phone calls, not even an interruption from Asuka. There was only an uneasy meeting between the three of them as they had dinner and Shinji requested Misato's time again. Of all points where he wished Asuka would have pulled him away from what he was about to do, this was the one time he hoped for it. He was even denied this familiar plea.

Sitting across from Misato, Shinji saw how worn and downtrodden she had been by what he did not get to see that day. The most he heard from her was about an argument she had with her friends. He would not even have a chance to discover how much it would affect them.

Dinner was never an easy thing for the three of them to handle but Misato hoped she could prevent more of the danger from growing by asking, "So things have been going well at school have they?"

It was not the wish he was hoping to be granted but Shinji was willing to take whatever distraction away from a potentially devastating subject. Then again it was delaying the inevitable as he remembered those harsh words on that note Mitsuru brought him. The fact Misato already knew just made him dread waiting for what he would need to finally reveal.

He finally managed to muster the warning he felt he needed to make by explaining, "Asuka. Miss Misato has something secret she needs to tell me."

Asuka found herself observing the tension by asking, Oh really? More alone time? Why don't you just tell me you're switching up for using the table this time?!

"Miss Misato, why does Shinji get to know but I don't?"

Misato sighed before making up her answer on the fly, "He just found out something he wasn't supposed to and I have to make sure that he doesn't repeat anything is all. I don't want to make you go through the same thing."

That answer stung Shinji more than he thought possible. It instilled the fear that Misato may have already known what he needed to talk to her about. Then again if she did that would have been a mercy since she would have confronted him long ago about his actions.

The situation was not any easier for Misato to accept as she tried to prepare herself for whatever Shinji was about to tell her. She had already subjected Kaede to a confession that left her in tatters and now had to confront what she allowed to be the cause of her grief. It did not even seem that long ago that she was in a much simpler and happier place.

All she could tell was that something was keeping Shinji from being anxious to even touch much of his dinner. Misato could not blame him considering the stress she was feeling herself, but it left her afraid of what else was about to ruin her day. Anything that could leave both of them flustered by the developments in NERV was a serious matter that left them wondering what was either a challenge to them or the human race.

Asuka stood up with her plate finished as she announced, "I'm done. Could you please help me with my homework when you're done Shinji?"

Completely detached from what other matters were being held that night, Shinji accepted her request, "Sure. It shouldn't be long."

Smiling at the acceptance, Asuka brought her plate and utensils to the kitchen sink before making her way out of the eating area. She was not completely compliant with her original idea however as she kept herself out of viewing distance by sitting in the unlit parts of the halls. She curled up to her knees as she prepared to eavesdrop over the conversation Shinji and Misato were about to have.

Her usual vitriol for both parties was replaced with burning curiosity as she remained seated while wondering, What are you hiding? What is so important?

Finally prepared to face what he believed was his final fate, Shinji confessed, "Miss Misato... I understand how it went. I'm sorry for keeping it from you."

The reaction from Misato was one Shinji had no expectation to see. She appeared legitimately confused and unsure how to respond. He was sure that if she already knew she would not be caught off guard somehow or go through the trouble of putting on this act.

What became worse was having to hear Misato ask, "What are you keeping from me Shinji?"

Hearing that question gave Shinji an initial feeling of confusion but thought against it fearing what would happen otherwise. He hesitated before telling her, "I... I thought you knew. I thought that's what you wanted me to admit."

Misato looked on still in a state of confusion as she demanded, "Well tell me what you were hiding. I don't know what's causing all of this."

There was no way for him to hesitate in what he was getting himself into. Every second he tried to imagine how he could explain things quickly became another awkward silence that made him appear less sure of himself. He was already in the center of the minefield and his foot was lying on the button waiting for his final moments to pass.

There was no way that he could have moved away from the subject as he was forced to answer for what he had brought up. He came to deride everything he allowed to pile up over the course of the day and feared who would be affected by his confession. Who would be hurt and who would be changed forever?

Forcing himself to muster the words he would have to reveal he managed, "That... thing Kaji left... I took it when you weren't looking..."

Silence. Absolute silence hung over the air between the two of them as soon as that confession was made. Only their faces changed having heard what was revealed. Misato with her eyes widened and in a state of astonishment at having heard it while Shinji looked on in confusion.

The lingering silence was finally broken as Misato placed her hands in the table and asked, "His... last gift... that was you?!"

An even worse outcome came as Shinji heard Misato's voice grow in temper. In the back of her mind was one of the greatest fears she could have imagined hearing from Shinji. She could remember plenty of opportunities where men were willing to take advantage of her if they wanted to but allowing herself to have this situation from Shinji was both humiliating but far more upsetting. The only hope she could hope for was to hear that Shinji would demonstrate his usual timidness and say his previous statement was not true.

Against all hope for the contrary, Shinji clenched his hands before confirming, "That was me..."

Here the explosion claimed them both. Shinji could nor wander in the field anymore as what life he knew before was now gone. There was no adequate metaphor he could come up with to say what was happening other than he was now enduring every sort of pain he could imagine before. The Hedgehog's Dilemma was in full effect now and the two of them had been fatally wounded within an inch of their lives.

The first display of their changed view of one another began as soon as Misato demanded, "I don't believe this! What gave you the idea to do that to me?!"

Forcing himself to realize who he would be dragging in with him if he answered that question made Shinji shrink more than he thought possible. He was staring down Misato in a way he only seldom did before but now having absolutely destroyed what chance of good will he might have had before. He was not talking to Misato as his guardian or a friend, wondering if he was even seen as an equal at this point.

Desperate to save the good name of Mitsuru and Kensuke, Shinji answered, "I... was in trouble if I didn't."

Infuriated further, Misato lifted herself up demanding, "With who?! Did someone really threaten your life like that?!"

There was the hope of it all. That Shinji had some good intentions for what he did and he tried too hard to avoid hurting her. After doing so much to turn his life in another direction that he might have never had before, Misato believed it had to be possible there was a good reason for him to be so secretive.

What hope she had of hearing such a reason was lost with Shinji answering in a simple, "No..."

From there, an exchange of pure vitriol that forced them both to depths they never imagined before was realized began as Misato slammed her fist, "Then what the Hell was your excuse?! What did you do that to me for?!"

The stress that weighed on Shinji from Misato yelling at him mounted by the second and became enough for him to answer, "I had to do it or we would be found out."

Misato realized what Shinji was referring to when he mentioned that last part but could not keep herself from grinding her teeth in frustration at the logic. After dealing with what got her in this situation in the first place, she found her anger overtaking her sense of reason. The time was coming where her pregnancy would become unavoidable to discuss and she believed it was time for the two of them to live with what they had committed to. It became difficult for her to want to do so with someone she could not bring herself to trust anymore.

Misato used this as her reasoning to lash out and begin her exchange of fury, "Really? That's what you were worried about? Shinji we've been out in public for Christ's sake! People were going to find out!"

"But they don't know... that about us."

"And that's what being an adult means Shinji! Being able to face what you do and living with it!"

"But I'm not an adult!"

"Is that right? Is that what made you decide to be my boyfriend for? You don't get to be a kid anymore! You lost the right to call yourself one a long time ago!"

"You were the one who made me though!"

Shinji was right. Misato could tell that she was the one who wanted Shinji more than he ever might have lusted for her. She struggled to keep herself from breaking down completely as she re realized what sort of shaky ground the two of them were on.

Momentarily losing her will to shout, Misato leaned in her chair asking, "I did. I really did, didn't I? I really did give you the inch you were looking for. Tell me, is that all you ever wanted from me?"

What will Shinji had left to remain worried about Misato's approval was lost and found himself answering, "I never wanted it to begin with."

The truth once again flustered Misato to begin another flurry of heated exchanges, "And you never ran away! I feel taken advantage of from all this! Don't you have any idea how much trouble we put ourselves through for this?!"

"You're the one who kept coming to me! I didn't want to!"

"And you did nothing! You were happy to push Rei and Asuka away but as soon as I gave you your first romp in bed, you felt like taking it!"

"You're the one who kept trying to do it though! This isn't my fault!"

"And you're the one who forced yourself on me when you had the chance! Tell me who's being real with themselves here!"

Shinji found himself losing grounds for an argument when he was reminded of how responsible he was for making this affair happen. In one heated moment he did indeed cast aside what grief he had for Rei's supposed death and forcibly took the lead that one time. There were no thoughts of what it would lead to at the time, only his desire to not feel anything other than sorrow. A seemingly immediate solution that bore consequences he could not imagine.

The idea that he was expected to know it would bring him to this point summoned a rage in Shinji that made him ask, "Well what are you getting mad at me for?! We let this get out of control! I couldn't do anything to stop this!"

What hope he had of getting through to Misato was lost as soon as he heard her unleash another fit of anger towards him.

"I'm mad because of this lying! I trusted you and thought you would be different! How do you expect me to handle this now?!"

"You said dealing with this like an adult right? What's making it so hard for you?"

"I treated you like one and you acted like one!"

"But you know what I am! We should have stopped if that's what you wanted!"

"I thought you were a good person Shinji! Good people don't take advantage of each other and I really thought you needed someone with you!"

Defenseless and stricken again, Shinji found himself able to respond to that accusation. This relationship he started with Misato was something he should have had the willingness to end at some point. He should have had that same resolve he had the first night he was with her. Instead he was lured by what seemed to be another offer from life that seemed too good to be true only to find out too late that it was indeed.

There were no words Shinji could come up with as an excuse to explain himself. Misato might have been wrong to desire his affection but he was just as guilty as he did nothing to push her away. He could not even claim that the responsibility was not on him since he did something only an adult should have done. He stepped over that line and he was paying for it. All he could do now was try to deny what he had become.

Clenching his hands into fists on the table, Shinji struggled to keep himself from breaking down into tears before forcing himself to tell Misato, "So that's it... I guess I was lying the whole time after all. And you were... you were..." Shinji had no desire to say what he thought next but knew there was nowhere else for him to them as he finished, "You were wrong..."

This time there was no fit of yelling from Misato as she heard this accusation. It was not the sort of move she expected Shinji to have the willingness to say. It was even worse to hear it from him however considering what sort of condemnation it dealt to her.

Misato answered Shinji's accusation by forcing through her trembling lips and shattered spirit, "Is that what it is? So this whole thing was just a lie then? Tell me what else was a lie Shinji. Was you forcing yourself to kiss Asuka also a lie? How about when Kaworu jerked you off, what about that? Was telling me that I'm pretty a lie too? Are you thinking about how you're going to get with Rei next? Do I need to warn her?"

Grief held an even stronger hold of Shinji as he was forced to see Misato recount the other times their relationship was brought into question. Even if he could release himself of it and cut himself out of Misato's life entirely he would still be leaving her with the impression that he was out to take advantage of someone else. With this knowledge he took hold of a suggestion that he hoped would bring Misato back to what he thought was a realistic look at where they were as a couple.

"Why do you even care?! You said I should be going back to Asuka when this was over yourself! It's not like this was ever going to actually go anywhere!"

"This isn't how life goes Shinji!"

"Then why did you do this to me?!"

"I'm asking why you just went through this big damn lie with me!"

"You're wrong and you just won't stop!"

"I'm supposed to be your God damn guardian and you ended that!"

This time Shinji was in the verge of losing what hold he had of his composure. Every instant where he thought he could place the blame on to Misato, she was able to remind him that he was not so innocent either. The only option that seemed to be available to him now was the suggestion that he tear himself away from her before the proximity of one another would cause the worst kind of mutual harm to one another. He could either force himself out or he could plea for her to leave him alone but they would still be forcing themselves to go through the pain of separation either way.

Shinji hung his head while his eyes watered but kept himself from crying as he told her, "I'm not even an adult and you expect me to be one. You really thought I was that special."

What fight he imagined was still in Misato was absent as soon as Shinji looked up. He saw her struggle to keep a stern face as she told him, "I tried to help you. I tried to make life easy and... it's hurting. It hurts badly."

As much a she wanted to stop inflicting the pain upon her, Shinji became more desperate for reality than he ever had. The respect he might have commanded for such an attempt before was not something he wanted to hold on to any longer. Removing himself from Misato was the only solution he could imagine accomplishing. And he was going to dread every single severance he made.

He pushed forward with his decision as he accused, "I couldn't even live out there on my own and you expect me to be fine with... being hated like this? Being treated like I hit you?"

Misato spread her hands to both sides as she looked down with her eyes watering as she answered, "I... I really thought you wouldn't have tried anything like this... I just can't believe it came to this..."

Misato knew she was meant to be more resilient than this. She went through so many breakups before, she endured the loss of Kaji, but here she was losing the approval of Shinji and she found herself on the verge of tears. It seemed as though she had taken hold of happiness again when it was there for the taking and now she was enduring what could be classified as humiliation. Everyone she ever knew would have looked down in her for looking to a child to start an affair with and they would have every reason to say they were right.

Her tears became the one thing Misato deep down hoped would make Shinji apologize for all he had said before. Wish as she might, her pleas would be unheard as Shinji told her, "I didn't want this either. I knew this would happen."

"And you tried anyway."

"Because I thought you wouldn't take it this seriously."

Misato sniffed as she tried to relate to what was happening asking, "You got to think like me huh? Just looking to other people for a quick one and being done?"

Shinji forced his eyes away from Misato as he told her, "I may as well have. I hurt you this badly."

While Misato could say that she was not as furious as before she felt it linger as she told him, "I can't believe what I'm hearing..."

Shinji struggled to keep himself from losing his composure before telling her, "I really thought this wouldn't be a big deal..."

As soon as he raised his head to see her reaction, he found Misato completely sullen from the exchange as she told him, "I'm sorry you had to learn the hard way."

The sight that once made Shinji feel remorse from what he had done before made him wonder what he ever saw in the choices he made. Any remaining thoughts he had of seeing her as a trustworthy guardian were in a crumbled mess in front of him. The woman who was once the most trustworthy figure in his life and gave him a feeling of liberation from his routine made him discover what a mistake he had made.

She could have once been a respectable friend but displayed every trait he feared being revealed from anyone. Desperate, demanding, selfish, manipulative, these were the words he could consider as he tried to imagine how he would describe Misato now. He had gone through so much pain and thought of so much that could make her happy and all he ended up receiving in the end was how he felt.

Shinji finally summarized his numbness to what he was enduring as he told Misato, "Well I'm sick of it."

That last sentence caught Misato's attention as she saw him turn away and make way for his room. She initially thought he was planning to just storm off to his bedroom unwilling to face the challenge of what was happening to him but came to wish it was so simple. He carried his shoulder bag and held his few valued possessions he brought with him the day he moved in and began his march away.

Forcing herself up at the sight she asked him, "Where are you going?"

Shinji had his back to Misato as he hung his head before flatly answering, "To NERV."

Voicing her initial confusion at the plan she pointed out, "You won't be able to do much there at this hour."

The intentions she feared were made clear as soon as she heard him correct, "I'll be able to move in."

What lingering fear of pain she had before was now finally gone. Misato was forced to hear Shinji tell her that he had no intention of facing the future with her. This risk she had taken with him had ultimately accumulated into having the same sort of suffering she was asked to endure after losing Kaji. She had failed everything she ever aspired to be in living for someone else and Shinji's denial of her was a testament of everything she had done.

Misato forced herself to remain in place as she stood to point out, "So that's it then. You're choosing now to run away."

Shinji continued his walk as he denied the call for attention Misato gave, "If this is what it's like to be around you then I don't want to deal with it anymore. I'm not what you thought I was..."

Shinji did not allow Misato to hear it, but he still dreaded the feeling every step away from Misato he took. Reminding himself that he was the one who hurt her however served as all the motivation he needed to forced himself further away from her. Try as much as he wanted, he could not allow himself to think he was somehow worthy of Misato's affection. She needed someone to be at her side but needed to be more of a human being than he ever had been.

All of these reminders made him wonder how Misato wanted to keep Shinji in her life. The more he tried to think of it however, the more he told himself that his existence was nothing better than a detriment on what happiness she had left. He could not make these words apparent in the moment and all he wanted was to let her have a life without him again.

His decision was met with one final reminder as he heard Misato warn through a strained voice, "Even if you do, you won't be able to call yourself a kid again."

Clutching onto his bag, he remained determined to finally remove himself from her life as he reminded, "You want me to be like an adult. Fine, I'm making my own decisions now." Stepping towards the area where his shoes were sitting, Shinji put them on his feet before making for the door and prepared to march out on his own. He gave his final words, "Goodbye Miss Misato."

Those were the last words Misato heard before she heard the door shut. Even at his angriest, Shinji could not bring himself to sound his accusations with a sense of malice. It made hearing those parting words all the more painful for her to hear.

After another few seconds Misato finally broke down in tears from what had just happened. She forced her face down to the table while wrapping her arms around her stomach as she tried to deal with what was supposed to be another breakup. After enduring such a devastating blow to everything she ever held dear she found herself unable to even care about everything else that might affect her life down the line.

This breakup went many levels beyond what Misato had gone through before. She failed to be the guardian Shinji needed and now failed to be the love in his life. She did not just fail in a different way, she allowed someone she cared about to have more than one reason to never look her in the eye again.

Asuka herself remained curled outside the kitchen area as she forced herself to listen to the exchange her two roommates had. Her mind rushed in every direction she could imagine as she tried to reason what she was hearing while arriving at a single conclusion.

You monsters! I knew I could never trust either of you! You got this far and now you're acting like this is some normal breakup?! What about me? Why do I have to be left out here like this?! I hate you both! I hate you both so much!

All she could muster to ask was remaining curled on the floor as she asked, "Miss Misato… Will Shinji come back soon?"

"Shinji... won't be here..."

Misato had forced herself up as she saw Asuka on the floor. With tears running down her cheeks and her limbs feeling like jello she could not bring herself to help Asuka up. She even reasoned she did not deserve to try as it reminded her of a situation that brought her to this point in the first place. She already failed as a guardian once, what was another one on her conscience?

Turning away to her bedroom and prepared to fall asleep on her own, Misato began her march. Forced to bear the multitude of failures that now wore on her conscience and the growing weight that resided in her womb. Most importantly to prepare for what her life without anyone to support her would be.

A/N: … Yeah. This scenario was pretty much inevitable. Pretty much everyone has the consensus that a relationship between Shinji and Misato would be an unstable one at best and the way things were and how they were as individuals essentially made a situation like this impossible to avoid. I just felt compelled to follow through on this premise as a dark hour for the main characters. Not sure how much further I can go into detail without drawing out these notes and I would really like the rest of the story to speak for itself anyway.

That being said, I will be continuing with my initial promise from Chapter 1. As of this chapter, there are 38 more to go. Hopefully in all that time it will be enough to prove that I can make future developments feel like how they would work out in a best-case scenario so to speak.

Now for some better news, you won't have to wait 3 years for the entirety of the story to be complete since I finished it behind the scenes. Now instead of every month, you can expect a new chapter on a more consistent basis. I won't drop every one of them in one night out of convenience for followers, rather I'll drop them every time this story falls out of the top page for Eva stories. This should make the rate about once every week and a half or so, circumstances depending anyway.

My 50 condition will still hold though. So once we hit 150 follows, 100 favs, or 50 reviews, expect another chapter dropped at the end of that week. Up to all of you how you want to see the updates go, feel free to contribute to the three areas or request other people to update their stories more and it might motivate them. Hope you all look forward to future updates and enjoy seeing where this journey takes these two. I hope to see you all whenever the next chapter is prepared.