Chapter 27: Will He Still Care?

Unit-04 was still intact even with the damage it had taken but the same could not be said for its pilot. As soon as Kensuke was extracted from the plug of his unit, the sight of how crippled he was became the most immediate concern for everyone. He was immediately taken to the recovery room where he would have his injuries treated but it would be several hours before Shinji or anyone else would have a chance to see what had happened.

As soon as Shinji had a chance to see what became of Kensuke he was not prepared for what he saw. He was reminded of how injured Rei was when Gendo planned to force her into Unit-01 the first day he came to NERV. Given how bandaged Kensuke was, he could not determine if he was any more or less harmed than Rei was that day.

He was afraid to raise the question but finally managed, "Is... he okay?"

Ritsuko looked over her evaluation sheets before answering, "He will most likely live if he is left undisturbed. He is useless as a pilot now. The bone fractures guarantee it will be months before he can move again."

The evaluation sent a shiver down Shinji's spine as he heard what had happened. One of the few people he knew who remained stable after all this time and was doing everything he could to realize his fantasies and make a significant change within NERV was all but dead. He leaned against the window as he saw Kensuke fixed in his bed while struggling to even breath or blink. Hope against all reality as he might, Shinji was still reminded just how much the last battle against the Angel took a toll on his body.

Turning away to leave Shinji to observe Kensuke's status, Ritsuko left him reminding, "Please do not go up to him. He will not be ready for visiting for a while."

Making her way down a nearby hall, Ritsuko found Gendo standing in place. Certain she would not be distracted he asked, "Will Unit-04 be operable?"

Ritsuko flipped a page answering, "It will take time but it will be prepared for another Angel attack. A replacement pilot will be the only issue now."

Turning away, Gendo began to walk as he determined, "The Fifth Child will have his turn now."

Raising an eyebrow and walking behind him, Ritsuko pointed out, "You believe we can afford allowing him to pilot an Eva unit?"

Gendo was indifferent to the warning as he reminded, "He has cooperated with us before and shown restraint up to now. It is time that we utilize him."

Ritsuko tried to think of an argument against the idea but remembered the second point Gendo was alluding to. The rumor of what Kaworu Nagisa was had made its way through NERV by now and did not have a chance to see how much it had become common knowledge. The knowledge of what Kaworu was should have been enough to cause issues or at least be a concern for how he would be contained. Despite all of this there was no recorded instance of him trying to fulfill his supposed mission as an Angel.

Accepting there was nothing she could argue against, Ritsuko agreed, "Despite what he is supposed to be, he has not shown much interest in what we were expected to handle."

Gendo added to his order, "Pay attention to his synch ratios. If there are any abnormalities we can report them as leverage."

Prepared to fulfill her duty, Ritsuko reminded Gendo, "As long as we have a reason to believe he is under our service, having him with us can be beneficial."

Being forced to remain outside the window of the emergency room did not prove to be any easier of a task as the next hour dragged on. There were few people Shinji could consider to be a friend after such a devastating period of self-isolation in NERV. As what seemed to be the default nature of his assumption, he was left to accept that everything was the result of an action he made he should have done more to change.

Just the very sight of Kensuke in the other room continued to weigh on him as he tried to determine what he should have done differently. If his continued involvement was worth the seemingly endless self-imposed misery he was placing upon himself. Most importantly down to who he could place what little trust in other people he had left.

"Is he okay?"

Shinji turned to see Asuka making her way up to him. There was something unnerving about hearing her sound genuine in her concern. For all he could think about bow though, being in fear of the new Asuka was the last thing he was thinking about.

Looking into the room with little else to contemplate, Shinji answered, "Doctor Akagi doesn't want anyone to see him now. He's hurt really bad."

Get me out of here... Stop making me see this... Why can't that be me in there?

"I wish I could have helped him sooner. He didn't deserve this." Asuka said as she made her way next to Shinji.

Shinji kept himself from moving as he agreed, "He really wanted to be a pilot so bad. He should have been picked instead of me."

Asuka turned to face him as she suggested, "I don't know about you Shinji, but don't you think we could be having fun instead?"

Like how desperate are you now that you've ditched that good for nothing whore of yours?

Shinji kept facing the window as he told her, "I'm not in the mood Asuka."

Pouting at the dismissal, Asuka asked, "Why? It's not like anything bad happened to you did it?"

The question made Shinji tighten his right hand into a fist as he tried to keep himself from lashing out at Asuka. He trembled in place for a while before telling her, "Nothing has been going okay. Ayanami doesn't care about anyone, Kensuke is in there, Miss Misato hates me now. The only real person I have to talk to now is Kaworu."

I know how obvious it is! Now come on and hit me! Get me out of this! You know this is wrong!

Displeased with the answer, Asuka reached her hand out, "Shinji, I'm real."

As though he could tell she was trying to approach him, Shinji turned away and stepped out of Asuka's grasp and told her, "No you're not. I want the real Asuka back. This isn't right."

Believing there was nothing else to say, Shinji walked away and left Asuka to say, "Shinji..."

You coward! You never do anything for anyone else! Always worried about you, whining whenever things get rough, now when I actually need you! Why can't you help anyone other than that stupid Misato for a change?! I can't believe you put me in this! This is the worst! Just let someone kill me please! Just get it over with! Please.. please end it now... Don't let me do anything more than this...

Finished typing, Misato stood up and pressed the send button anxious to be done with her work. The events that had just occurred left her uneasy and struggling to imagine how anyone could have handled them better. If it was not for the fact that many members who worked for NERV remained uninterested in the daily life of one another, she imagined she might have a better idea how she could contain the derision for where she was now.

"Not any more pleasant of an experience after all this time is it?"

Misato turned around to find Satsuki standing behind her. While she once considered her someone she could easily turn to for feeling conflicted, Misato knew there would never be another day where Satsuki did not judge her for what brought her to this point. It was not a situation that most people would have reasonably considered possible before but they both discovered the hard way that Misato was far from a reasonable person.

Misato greeted back, "It's not a casualty but it's still not fair. Nobody even knows if his old man is still alive to receive the notice."

"The fact that you are holding on is what prevents us all from moving on with our lives. I honestly can't believe you have to make this more difficult than it has to be."

"You think you're going to consider having an abortion if you ever have a baby?"

Satsuki crossed her arms countering, "I would do so with someone I actually cared for first. And someone who I didn't simply want to take advantage of."

Sighing that she would have to listen to a suggestion that was becoming too familiar for her, Misato asked, "How many times do you have to hear that I did not take advantage of him?"

Satsuki remained in place warning, "Until you start to take this seriously Misato. Kaede is already planning to take you to court if we ever have the chance."

That warning made Misato ask, "What? Are you serious?"

Satsuki looked Misato in the eye condemning, "She never wanted to make your life difficult Misato. But you did that yourself and she cannot live with what you did."

There was no moment Misato could recall where she wished she had beer in her hand to chug until she drowned. More of the people she was once on good terms with were continuously disgusted and abhorred by her. If she did not know what Gendo's actual intentions were, let alone his general treatment for someone even as close as his own son, she would wonder how she was still here.

Misato tried to make herself appear indifferent to the accusations as she told Satsuki, "We all know this is the sort of thing that can happen. It's not like it affects any of you."

Prepared for such a claim, Satsuki corrected, "You don't understand why Kaede felt so affected when she approached you do you?"

The question caught Misato's attention as another transition and asked, "What are you talking about?"

Satsuki breathed before telling her, "Kaede never told you about her when she was even younger than Shinji did she? Perhaps it's not so surprising after all."

While she was morbidly curious about what Satsuki was alluding to, Misato tried to steer away from the subject by telling her, "I really don't see how that's important. Don't you think we should be getting ready to shut the base down right now?"

Satsuki denied the turn explaining, "She did not even have a chance to know what she was being forced into. She had no way of understanding. And she was a victim of her own father."

The reveal gave more important context than Misato could imagine. Her dedication to seeing her placed in prison for what she had done was clear. It made her wonder if she would comply with the central plan of SEELE because of that reason.

There were several dozen thoughts that ran through Misato's mind as she tried to accept what was happening but her concern with how she would get out of this conversation was the most dominant. She accepted, "That's why she doesn't even look at me now."

While Misato was affected by the revelation, Satsuki focused on her original point, "Any decent person should be affected. No one should be fine with what you have done."

The accusation made Misato clench her fists again as she countered, "Maybe I stopped thinking about what other people thought about me. Maybe I really did love him and found him to be the best I ever had. That might be why I stopped caring."

The denial made Satsuki sigh before she asked, "Even if you don't, how can you think you are made for this? How can you ever hope to become a mother? Can you even call yourself an adult at this point? From what I'm seeing, I still see a little girl who was sad to have lost her father so many years ago."

There was a boiling point growing between the two women and both Misato and Satsuki could feel themselves being drawn further and further towards it. Being told that she was as incapable as she was made Misato feel an accusation she had long tried to deny but was still all too true. For everything she tried to be over the course of her life, her trauma still controlled her and motivated so much of what she was going through.

As angry as she continued to feel, Misato denied the appeal, "I might not have been before, but I was so close to becoming that. I can't just turn away from it like this."

Satsuki remained defiant to Misato's insistence pointing out, "It would be one thing if it was Kaji's child. All you are setting yourself up for is more pain. To yourself and everyone you say you care about."

Misato was running out of arguments to counter. She knew bringing life into the world the way it was before and what conspiracies desired to make it was at the best of times a taxing challenge. In many ways Satsuki was right as she determined she was still a young girl who never truly took her first steps into adulthood. As far as she could tell it was most likely what caused her to end up being fine with pursuing Shinji as a lover. It was because of what they did together that he managed to make her feel as though she could take those steps into what was expected of her by everyone around her.

Misato placed a hand on her stomach feeling as though it was her best effort to keep her baby from harm as she answered, "I just... feel like I can't let go. I... still love him."

Satsuki began to walk away from Misato as she warned, "He doesn't love you back Misato. All you are doing is grasping for what you never had. You cannot be like this if you intend to be a service to NERV."

Misato continued her walk as she parted, "Maybe that's how I made it this far."

Prepared to turn in for the night, Shinji waited in front of the elevator. Having ran away from Asuka again and left the image of Kensuke in recovery in his mind, he feared what the remainder of the night was going to be. As soon as the door opened, sleep could not come soon enough for him.

Misato saw Shinji turn away from her in a way she had not seen in a long time. The day he joined NERV and accepted his new role as a pilot was also the day he tried to appear indifferent to his father Gendo. She never imagined she would find herself in a similar position to that day and hurt in a way she could not anticipate. The fact she was receiving the same treatment as the same man who Shinji had every right to hate was the most hurtful thing she felt all day.

After a long wait it was clear Shinji did not plan on going inside with her as he allowed the doors to shut. Misato denied this as she threw her hand up and blocked the doors from closing before allowing them to open again. Shinji turned around briefly to notice Misato was still waiting for him and jerked his head back as he tried to appear indifferent to the opening. After a short while, Shinji came to the conclusion that Misato would not lower her hand and simply turned away from her.

The sight of him trying to walk away made Misato remind, "The stairs do not reach your level."

Shinji stopped in place as soon as he heard that reminder. It was another short while before he finally accepted there was no other way for him to reach the personal quarters for pilots as he turned around. He refused to raise his eyes to meet with Misato however as he walked inside and stood at the opposite end of the elevator.

As soon as the doors shut, Misato asked, "Have you been doing okay with everything?" No answer. "Is anyone giving you a hard time?" Nothing. With her irritation growing at the silence, Misato told him, "Just because of what we are doesn't mean we can't speak to each other."

Shinji kept his view towards the doors as he finally spoke, "And what are we now? How am I supposed to be okay with this?"

Misato kept herself from chewing on either side of her mouth as she answered, "This is the adult world Shinji. Everyone goes through something like this. That doesn't mean we're enemies now. You know what we're dealing with."

"I'm starting to think it might not be so bad."

Misato felt herself stung by Shinji's dismissal. He knew everything about the Instrumentality Project and he was willing to imagine it was the best thing he could hope for now? It could not have been possible that he was so defeated that he did not even want to go through life at this point. She could remember accusing him of lying at all the times that caused him to finally leave her but she was still holding on to the hope they might not have been true.

Misato denied the idea by telling him, "I thought you would understand by now that running isn't going to get you anywhere you enjoy."

The doors opened to reveal Shinji's destination as he denied, "I thought you were different."

The comment cut right to the core of what Misato had done. Satsuki was not the only one who believed she was not adequate for where she was by now. He was affected by this breakup to be sure but being able to essentially repeat what she was told earlier became a reminder of what she was failing at the most. There might have been responsibility that could be placed on him but Misato allowing this relationship to build up to this point was every bit her choice as it was his. It was easy to argue she was the one who held more of it considering one was an adult and the other a child.

Such a reminder became a stark thought for Misato to consider. She was being accused of never accepting her place as becoming an adult but Shinji seemed to take hold of it some time ago. Be it from the difficulty of the world he lived in or what he was asked to become, he always acted more mature than she ever did. It was a quality she once saw in Kaji and it was evident every day when she was around Shinji.

Stepping out of the elevator, Shinji entered the halls to walk away from Misato. She tried to delay him by asking, "You're not going along with it are you?"

The question made Shinji stop in place as he realized what he was suggesting. He could see just how much this breakup affected him without even looking at himself. Everything being suggested by the idea of Instrumentality sounded more appealing as he walked through every day like the struggle it was. He had allowed himself to be hurt multiple times and he was only now registering how painful it all was.

Shinji turned around as he struggled to keep his face stern and told Misato, "You aren't making it sound like I shouldn't."

Turning away without any more words, Shinji continued his walk down the halls and left Misato to accept the words her recent conversation yielded. She had seen him in two ways just now, the first as a man and the second as a child. It was uncanny for her to see him in those ways but it was the best description she could come up with. Indeed in ways he was more grown than she was but he was denied the chance to have a childhood long ago as well. And thanks to her, he would never have one again.

Misato could not even bring herself to rush out to Shinji as the doors closed and shut her off from him. She leaned against the wall feeling the same way she had on the night of her breakup. In every way Misato could think, she had come to realize how hard she came to fail Shinji twice. Satsuki's warning about how she could never be a proper mother was more apparent to her than ever before and felt as though she began to truly understand Shinji's mindset.

As soon as the doors to the elevator closed, Shinji allowed himself to shed a tear. He quickly rubbed against it and continued his walk down the halls as he searched for the first sign of his personal quarters where he could seal himself away for the night. His idea was cut short as soon as he saw Kaworu standing in a nearby corner as though he was waiting for him.

There were not many things Shinji knew about Kaworu but the rumor about what he was left him uneasy in many ways. He was not sure how he could ever consider approaching him or even wanting to meet eye to eye with him. Whenever he heard him however there was something that made him feel less afraid of him.

Kaworu realized this as he greeted, "Are you well Shinji?"

Shinji looked down as he answered, "About as good as I can be I guess."

"Did you have a fight with Asuka again today?"

The question trapped Shinji where he stood as he realized what his fears would make him do. Similar to his encounter in the restroom he feared what denying the truth would do to him. To his relief there was some truth he could rely on that would work in his favor.

After a pause, Shinji answered, "Yes. She still acts the way she does."

Kaworu made his way up to him offering, "Why don't you come with me? Tell me everything."

While Shinji could feel a remnant of fear with Kaworu being an Angel he was not sure if that was what caused him to walk into his quarters or if he sincerely wanted to speak to someone else. The number of real people Shinji felt secure in talking to was dwindling rapidly and he as not sure if he could accept being this way for so long. The fact he was seeing a supposed Angel as an alternative left him questioning everything he thought he knew before.

Whatever caused him to accept Kaworu's offer, Shinji found himself sitting across from him giving an account of everything he said to Asuka earlier that day. It managed to be long enough that Kaworu was given much to think about while keeping himself from sounding too emotional. He was never interrupted and left him wondering if Kaworu would ever call out any inconsistencies he might have left out.

Much to his relief, Kaworu came to the conclusion, "You had the sincere intent to reach out to another but you feel as though you don't know her. That is the unfortunate dilemma many of us face."

Shinji remained sitting across from Kaworu as shook his head asking, "How is anyone even supposed to move on from this? I can't even stand talking to her."

The question caused Kaworu to frown as he admitted, "You do not seek her anymore, but you are forced to see her every day. The pain can become much to bear."

"I don't know why I ever did it. Being around others just hurts too much."

"When you loved her, you felt bliss. You ventured to go beyond where you were and you found yourself happy. That is what we all want to achieve."

"Wouldn't it be better if we didn't have to though? If we didn't have to worry about others like that?"

"Such a possibility is not within reason Shinji. It is not what you want either."

"Well tell me. What should I do? How am I supposed to stop feeling this way?"

"I can only answer so much Shinji. I have never experienced what you did before."

"Of course you didn't."

"You endured so much worse, I know this will not undo you."

Something in Shinji snapped as soon as he heard that. It was the best description he had for what he was feeling in that moment as he heard Kaworu's assurance. He did not lash out in anger but rather he felt his inner desires threatening to burst.

No longer willing to hold back, Shinji agreed, "You're right... Maybe I should move on..."

"I know it is not easy but it is possible."

Such a frank answer became an increasingly attractive notion to Shinji as the conversation continued. The idea that he would be able to receive these answers from someone he still feared might have been an Angel gave a sense of alarm he did not think he would willingly overlook. And yet here he was willingly looking at Kaworu as the one person in his life giving him anything resembling assuring answers.

While the fear of what might anger him was still present, Shinji looked down as he told Kaworu, "I don't even know if I can say I'm still myself. I've... thought things... that I wouldn't have thought about before."

Kaworu made his way up to Shinji as he placed his hands on his shoulders and explained, "You are not happy right now. Not from what you suffer but from what you do not."

Looking up to see Kaworu making his presence known to him, Shinji felt himself being overwhelmed by the sincerity he was receiving. Someone who apparently was not even human had become the easiest individual he had ever shared a conversation with. What fears he once had about second guessing his intentions to begin Third Impact were more conflicted than ever as he wondered how he was supposed to move forward after this.

Struggling to sort out what he was feeling made Shinji feel his lips tremble as he asked, "Why? Why do I... keep feeling this?"

Kaworu lowered his face to Shinji's as he answered, "What you are feeling is the desire for pain. As much as being close to her hurt you, you came to find happiness in spite of it. Asuka did this as well and you were both willing to accept what had happened. This is what is known as the Language of Masoch."

Shinji was unfamiliar with the phrase Kaworu had but the last word stood out to him. He raised his eyes as he asked, "Does it mean... what I think?"

"A glorification of torturous acts. What you were once denied but then granted. If you are familiar with the Hedgehog's Dilemma, you approached her, injured yourself, and enjoyed it. The feeling of loss you feel now lies in not feeling that."

"Asuka isn't the only one I can go to if I wanted to, right?"

"Anyone can be. It is only a choice if you wish to return or attempt to replicate it."

There was no rationale Shinji could think of at the moment as he looked right into Kaworu's eyes and asked, "What about... you?"

"Me?"

Before either of them could say anything, Shinji moved his face forward as he placed his lips on Kaworu's. The number of times he kissed Misato before gave him an idea of what he was supposed to do and to his relief felt like he was doing it right. The longer the two boys remained in their kiss, the more Shinji began to realize how Kaworu felt just like Asuka and Misato during the times he kissed them.

After the two parted from one another, Kaworu looked at Shinji with a face of fascination. It was only a short while before Kaworu allowed a tear to form in his right eye as he brought a hand to it. It became a sight that struck confusion and fear at the same time into Shinji's heart as he tried to understand what had happened.

Everything that confused him became amplified as soon as Kaworu broke the silence, "I'm sorry Shinji. I cannot harm you."

Shinji blinked before asking, "You... what?"

Kaworu lowered his arms as he contained the sorrow in his voice answering, "It is not me to inflict pain upon others. Especially you."

"I..." Shinji could not bring himself to say he did not understand. His fears of what Kaworu were dangerously close to being realized. Everything he was told about the Language of Masoch provided what he should have been able to infer.

At this point Shinji found himself desperate to avoid being lost in silence as he asked, "You really think I'm better off being in pain like I was?"

Kaworu reaffirmed his decision explaining, "It made you happy before Shinji. My hope is that one day you can be again. I will live as long as it takes to see it happen."

Shinji feared he might be the one who would cry this time. Confusion, anguish, and self-derision weighed upon him as he realized what he was trying to do. He willingly placed himself in the presence of someone who might be an Angel and he was believing every word.

It became difficult for Shinji to think about even sleeping that night. He could only imagine how much worse he made Misato feel after forcing her away as if what he allowed to happen to Kensuke was not enough. More than anything, the supposed mission of Kaworu was supposed to be making him happy. He struggled to imagine how coming into his life had done anything to make where he was any better.

Kaworu was asking himself this question as he sat alone in his quarters and allowed more tears to flow down his face. He looked down at his hands as he reflected on everything he did to approach Shinji. How he only seemed to make his life more complicated by entering his life. How he even acted on his own inner desires that one time.

No one was around to hear him say, "Your happiness is all I ever thought about..."

A/N:

As per the promise, congratulations everyone, we have hit 50 reviews! That achievement has been unlocked by Xavier Rivera 4003 but I want to give a big word of thanks to not only him but everyone else who has read up to this point. Feedback is a big motivator to pushing forward with a story and I do like to receive as much as possible to make for a better experience for everyone.

Speaking of his review on the last chapter, yeah you are right. Kensuke is, needless to say, not going to be the same after this chapter. I will say we have not seen the last of him but of course it is going to be a bit of an issue considering the physical damage being a key hindrance at the moment.

Anyway for the remainder of the note, how's that for the first title drop? I was wondering who I would present that line to and honestly Kaworu did seem to be one of the two possibilities that made the most sense to assign. Given how events were playing out it also seemed right to place the main focal point of the story somewhere in the middle especially in the moment where Shinji is in such a crucial point.

So a little bit of an announcement which may or may not be something to look forward to: I'm actually going to be introducing my first major OC into this story in the next chapter. Said character won't be a self-insert or anything like that, rather an "interpretation," might be the right description. It will probably make sense when the character is introduced sometime in the next chapter. I hope to see you all then.