Chapter 30: Was This What We Sowed?

Panic ebbed at the edges of Misato's mind as the all-encompassing Maelstrom struggled to take Unit-04 into itself. As the only Eva unit that struggled to keep it at bay, the Angel had a very light obstacle keeping it from accomplishing its mission. Even with what little she was able to accomplish against Angels before, Misato knew there was a reason she would not have a chance to be the next great hope for humanity. She and all of NERV combined would not stand a chance if the last of the Eva units were at the mercy of even this one threat.

Attempting to evaluate the danger, Misato demanded, "Do we have any readings on the Eva units at all?!"

Maya answered as she reported, "Unit-02 is undergoing serious changes! Its hold in the Angel is increasing its synch ratio with the pilot!"

Confused by the report, Misato asked, "How the Hell is that happening?!"

Ritsuko provided the next answer, "A heavy reading of farandolae is present. A dangerously close number as well."

Maya confirmed the danger as she reported, "Synch ratio is... 399.99%?! We're struggling to determine any further!"

Overhearing the result for the synch ratio made Makoto ask, "Won't it just be a little more and then Asuka will end up like Shinji did?"

Ritsuko confirmed, "An increasingly minute amount. It must be pure will by now that Asuka is not allowing herself to be absorbed into her unit now. What she can achieve or if she will come out alive is another matter."

The cryptic description of what Ritsuko was determining left a heavy weight on Misato as she realized what might happen to Asuka. It was not even so long ago that she tried to reach out to Shinji and discover his commitment to the one he supposedly feared. Once against, she was being gnawed upon by a dreadful hope that someone competing for the affection of someone she once loved in a way she should not have might be taken out of the picture.

While much of NERV was captivated by the struggle at hand, Gendo forced himself to maintain his indifferent look of observation. Maelstrom did indeed act the way he anticipated but the sight of Unit-01 being in danger again was not what he hoped would happen. Allowing any potential onlookers of SEELE to see what would be his greatest fear would only serve as a detriment to him.

Fuyutsuki was the only one to come close to voicing Gendo's thoughts as he observed, "We did not anticipate it would become so close. It seems the pilot of Unit-04 is our only chance we have."

Gendo remained fixated on Maelstrom's struggle to move forward and agreed, "His performance in earlier sorties did not indicate this possibility. If he has what it takes to prevent this disaster is another question entirely."

Shinji had lost all sense of time as he struggled to find his way through Maelstrom's body. For being an Angel that was more width than depth, the seemingly bottomless pit that formed it was a stark contrast. He could find remains of the parts of Japan the Angel had taken into itself but began to fear what remaining any longer in this place would do to him. If he was indeed in the belly of the storm as he imagined, he came to conclude that being in here would have reduced him to nothing at some point.

The fear he had of what would happen to him began to fade as soon as he saw a blood red light growing in front of him. The further Unit-01 was taken in, the more the light expanded. As he came closer he found himself gazing into another plane of existence he did not imagine entering before. He had no idea where Asuka was supposed to be within these depths but his destination was the only one end point he was able to see.

Instead of fear, Shinji was left in a state of wonder as he tried to determine what he was entering. Instead of a stomach he found himself being forced out of the cavern of Maelstrom and down towards a plane of bones. Even witnessing such a place of death form beneath him only served to make him bite his teeth in an attempt to keep himself from being frightened by such an imposing landscape.

He finally voiced all of his curiosity by asking no one in particular, "Is Asuka down here?"

Unit-01 landed on a ground of bones before looking around to see several sights that struck a chord in Shinji. Giant red crosses surrounded him atop the mountains of bone but were now occupied by the mass production Eva units that were supposed to assist him with Maelstrom's destruction. The most immediate sight for him however was when he saw a mostly white being standing not far from him. Upon closer inspection he was confused further when he saw just enough traces of red to make him assume it was Unit-02 standing in front of him.

Hoping he finally found her after such terrors, Shinji asked, "Asuka? Is that you?"

Silence hung between the two. What was supposed to be Unit-02 stood still while Asuka had her head hung down only now realizing Shinji was in front of her. After everything she had been through, she was finally face to face with the one who made her suffer for so long. Demeaning everything she was as a human and taking what he believed was his, she felt all of the collective anger built from those prior experiences. The face of her humiliation was in front of her and she wanted him dead.

"Shinji..."

As soon as he heard Asuka say his name, Shinji answered, "Asuka it's me. We can get out of here now."

"That's all you care about isn't it?"

Shinji was taken by surprise when he heard Asuka's voice drip with absolute hatred of him. This was not the sort of tone even the old Asuka took whenever she was angry at him. Something changed about Asuka and it was not just her Eva's appearance.

Afraid he was tempting some dire territory, Shinji told her, "We can help the others. They're alive right?"

"They're not. I made sure of it."

Asuka's transformation was no longer the only thing that was shaking Shinji where he stood. She had just revealed a serious implication that made him wonder what had changed her. Bearing truth behind her proclamation meant she committed an act that would make her difficult to forgive in her return to NERV.

Desperate to hear her take back what she said, Shinji managed, "You... Did you kill them?"

There was a growing sense of anger in Asuka as she accused, "They wanted me out of here. They didn't want me to be free anymore. And you're no different aren't you?"

Fear was taking hold of Shinji even more than before. Asuka was no longer hopeful for his approval and instead acting like a caricature of what she used to be. He had entered dangerous territory and not just by entering the domain Asuka was standing upon.

Trying to point out this inconsistency made Shinji deny, "I don't understand what you're talking about! I care about you and I want you back!"

"Do you want me back? Or do you want that thing that calls itself me back? Because I got to see what you wanted more!"

The same venom within Asuka continued to drip as she countered Shinji's plea. So much so that Shinji questioned where the context for bringing himself here was. He also knew he did not have time to question how he came here, the sight of Asuka standing in front of him was a harsh reality staring him in the face.

Shinji knew Asuka was a different person ever since she was released from NERV but he held onto the hope that she had changed for the better. All of his attempts to bring back who she once was were as she claimed an indication of his own selfishness. After separating from Misato, he even came to accept what she had become with the hope his life was not completely hopeless.

Shinji felt his voice weaken as he told her, "But Asuka... You came to me..."

Asuka began to tighten the grips of her controls with an inhuman strength before she told him, "And you thought I hated myself that much. You thought I would lower myself to be like you. You're not just stupid, you're a monster. Worse than me."

With all of his actions coming to lay upon him, Shinji attempted one final attempt to appeal to her, "Asuka I... I didn't want to hurt you like that... I'm sorry..."

"No you aren't... No you aren't... No you aren't... No you aren't! No you aren't! No you aren't! No you aren't! No you aren't! No you aren't! No you aren't! No you aren't! No you aren't! No you aren't! No you aren't! No you aren't! No you aren't! No you aren't! No you aren't!"

At her last denial, Unit-02 threw its hand to the ground and reached beneath the ground of bones. With another forceful pull it held up a mighty jawbone resembling the one Gaghiel had. The multiple mass production Eva units hung on their crosses while watching Unit-02 about to attack but Unit-01 would not be joining them when Asuka was done.

Asuka yelled at the top of her lungs as Unit-02 charged toward Unit-01 with the teeth swinging in its direction. While amazed at the sight of such a swing, Shinji knew he could not allow himself to stand still if he was going to stay alive. While he managed to avoid being cut in half by the teeth, Unit-02 effortlessly swung in the other direction towards Unit-01 while scraping across the ground.

The destruction erupting across the ground left Unit-01 struggling to find its footing but scrambled away searching for its first sign of safety. The idea he would have to actually fight Asuka left Shinji in chills even as he tried to find every opportunity he could to save himself. The scenario unfolding in front of him was once a nightmare but it was now the accumulation of everything he ever feared Asuka would become.

Shinji eventually came to realize he had nowhere to run as he found himself scrambling closer to the edge of the pit that contained him and Asuka. He wanted nothing more than to make her come to her senses but began to fear she would not be tiring herself out any time soon. Unit-02 swinging the mighty jawbone around remained an imposing sight that would either crush or sever him on contact the closer it came.

Searching for the first opportunity he had to defend himself, Shinji made Unit-01 reach into the ground beneath him and pull out his own bone. Unit-01 raised the arm bone high above its head before coming into contact with the jawbone only to be snapped in half by the force of the swing. The shards were the sign he needed that made him turn Unit-01 around and grasp the first bone it could take hold of to begin its climb away from Unit-02.

The jawbone came slamming down to the ground and shook Unit-01's hold before causing it to tumble down to Unit-02's feet. Looking up to see it raise its foot above him, Shinji found himself enduring several blows that caused his Eva unit to sink into the bones. Each one was so powerful that it made him feel as though a large boulder was dropped on his stomach leaving him to struggle even moving. Adding to his pain was the constant screaming Asuka yelled ever since she began their duel.

Unit-01 endured a few more blows before bringing its hands to Unit-02's foot and shoved it upwards. Even as it was sent flying, Shinji felt his ears assaulted with the continued yelling from Asuka and the pain of the blows weakening him. Looking around he tried to determine what was causing his unit to stand up after making its first offensive move on Unit-02. Just like its struggles against Leliel and Zeruel before, Unit-01 seemed to be moving on its own preparing to defy what danger it was in.

What words Asuka might have had before were lost as she allowed her screams and wails to communicate for her. Still armed with the jawbone and charging towards its only target, Unit-02 prepared another series of swings intent on damaging Unit-01 any way it could. Even the knowledge that it would not be facing a completely helpless opponent was not enough to make it or its pilot question its next assault.

What hopes Shinji had of Unit-01 not attacking Unit-02 were denied as it not only charged towards it but scooped a bone in its hand as well. The jawbone swept back and forth towards Unit-01 causing it to leap and dive towards Unit-02. Realizing what it had to do, Unit-02 swung the bone high above its head before sending it crashing down to the general direction Unit-01 was headed.

Shinji tried to move Unit-01 out of the way but found it not responding to his inputs even as the bone was so close to splitting him down the middle in half. Unit-01 instead raised its hands and reached for the first tooth it could take hold of before locking the jaw stuck in place. While not being destroyed, Unit-01 was still stuck in place and struggling to deliver its own attack.

The lock did not remain however as Unit-01 managed to muster the strength necessary to crack the tooth before causing it to shatter. The jawbone snapped in half before crashing down right in front of Unit-01 but left Unit-02 undeterred in its attacks. Rushing forward, it prepared for a fatal blow that would cut down Unit-01 with no concern for its own defense.

Unable to influence Unit-01 to move away from Unit-02 and its relentless attacks, Shinji resorted to calling out, "Asuka! This isn't you! Wake up please!"

In return Shinji received nothing but an ear-splitting scream. Unwilling to hear anything he just said she sent Unit-02 flying towards him across the middle section. Unit-01 was prepared for this again as it took hold of the jawbone but was being pushed back by what force of the swing remained.

The teeth dug into Unit-01's hands as it kept itself from being cut down before Unit-02 let go of the bone and leapt towards it. The two Eva units were now brought closer together than they ever had been since they both made their descent to this plane. Asuka could see this and she wanted nothing more than to see Unit-01 torn asunder at her hands.

Reaching its hands out to take hold of Unit-01, Unit-02 tackled its target to the ground. As it saw Unit-01 pinned to the ground, Unit-02 thrust its hands to the chest of its opponent and caused its insides to shake on contact. Unit-01 denied its fate of being penetrated as it raised its hands to push Unit-02 away from it. Try as the two might to overpower one another, the units were locked in what seemed to be an unending struggle for domination.

While having done little to change the outcome of the fight, Shinji was still stricken with confusion and fear at the fact he was fighting Asuka. There was a time she seemed to be better, had grown to respect him, and was now faced with what he imagined was the worst aspect of herself. Even at the risk of allowing his life to be extinguished he feared the very idea of lashing out to hurt Asuka any more than he had.

His continued desire to free her from what she had become was what motivated Shinji to plead, "Asuka please! I don't want to hurt you!"

After what felt like an unending fit of screaming, Asuka managed to give only two words as a response against Shinji's appeal to her, "I do!"

Reaching the ground and taking hold of a rib bone, Unit-02 thrust it into the chest of Unit-01 and twisted it left and right to dig further inside. Shinji felt himself convulse and yell in pain as his unit was penetrated and heard loud tearing sounds coming closer to his cockpit area. He had every reason to believe the end for him was near as the attacks continued but was reminded of what kept him from immediately meeting such an end.

Instead of blocking the incoming attack, Unit-01 reached its hands up and brought them to the center of the red core on Unit-02's chest. The thrust was successful for the hands but came at a cost Shinji was unwilling to accept. Asuka was once again brought into a screaming fit but this time from a completely different cause.

Shinji could not say he understood the differences in any series of screams but he could not help feeling he had just begun one in Asuka. Where she was releasing her frustration before, the sound she gave was very apparently being caused by her actions being thrust back upon her. As the core of what covered Unit-02 was split by the sheer strength of Unit-01, Shinji felt a growing fear of what his survival would cost at this point.

As confirmation of what he was doing, Shinji saw Unit-02 convulse and writhe in pain as its core was torn. It began to snap itself back and forth so rapidly that the white substance encasing its head shattered. Unit-02 opened its mouth to release a howl not unlike the one heard by Unit-01 in its fight with Zeruel. It became a sight that amplified the fear in Shinji as he came to find his worst fears being realized. The idea that saving himself meant ending Asuka.

He refused this possibility as he screamed, "No! No! Asuka!"

Pulling and jerking his controls with every bit of strength he could muster, Shinji managed to move Unit-01's right hand away from the core but did not find Unit-02's pain eased at all. Even worse he saw the unit jerk its hand back to take advantage of the new opening by clutching hands with Unit-01. Asuka's unit still convulsed in pain from the degradation of its core but continued to focus on making sure it could finally deal a killing blow to the one that shelled Shinji from her.

As the two units continued to struggle against one another, Shinji endured the pain before looking up to see Unit-02 howling down at him. The mouth was not empty however as Shinji saw what was his only hope to save Asuka. A small bead that lay in the back of Unit-02's throat exposing itself.

There was little that Shinji could make sense of at the moment but the sight of that bead was the one thing that gave him a modicum of hope. Taking hold of the controls for his unit's left hand, he struggled as hard as he could to make the hand change its target. The core of the possessed Unit-02 continued to crack and garner a screaming fit from Asuka but immediately gave way to a new fit as she continued her earlier fit of rage preparing to destroy Unit-01 and its pilot.

Unit-01 released its hold of Unit-02's core and gave Asuka the breathing room she needed to begin her screams anew. The brief window where she was not being harmed by her core's attack was immediately answered for as Unit-01 thrust its left hand down the mouth of the howling Unit-02. The arm of Unit-01 reached into Unit-02's throat before taking hold of what it saw as its best chance to defeat its corrupted ally.

Unit-01 had a hold of Unit-02's second core within its mouth and Asuka was feeling every second of it. The screaming fit she had before was renewed as she felt a splitting headache overtake her senses and lose all sense of thought she had. Even as she lost the breath to exert any more of her screams, she struggled to shut her mouth as she felt like she had an object lodging itself into her. Struggle as she might, she could not free herself from the hold that kept her here.

All of the hopes Shinji had for saving Asuka were placed in the line as he felt something shatter in his Eva unit's hand. Pulling it back and allowing Unit-02 to fall to the ground, he the remains of the cracked core slide out of the unit's mouth before crashing upon the ground of bones. Shinji looked in his unit's hand before seeing more of the remains brought about by his attempt to rectify his grave mistake.

After all the chaos exhibited by Unit-02 finally subsided, Shinji turned his attention away from the remains of the core asking, "Asuka? Are you okay?"

Nothing. There was no sound from Asuka as he called out to her. It was the worst response he could have hoped for and left him on the edge of panicking as he waited for her response.

What ultimately made him lose his composure however was the sight of a wide white light descending to the ground that contrasted the bright red all around him. He could not understand where it was all coming from and feared for his life as he watched it descend. There was nowhere he could imagine it was possible to run as he tried to imagine what sort of fate waited for him for what he had done.

Shinji sealed his eyes shut as he endured what came over his Eva unit as though he was bombarded by a mighty tidal wave. Sprawled on the ground and struggling to move, Unit-01 was left trying to pick itself up after the mighty last attempt from Maelstrom to subjugate it. The first indication that things had drastically changed however was seeing that the bright white he was being submerged in was now a crimson red.

There was a brief moment of hope for Shinji as he looked at the ground and saw the pile of bones he once stood in were gone and replaced with regular earth. He jerked his head up before seeing the night sky above him as another indicator that he was indeed no longer in the belly of Maelstrom and back in the world he was familiar with. As much as he was pleased to have survived, he struggled to find the words that would describe how he felt afterwards.

"Shinji! Are you alright in there?!"

Shinji could not imagine he would have been pleased to hear Misato's voice again but it was the firmest indication that he was no longer stuck whenever he was trying to escape the grip of Maelstrom. Whether from exhaustion or his lingering unwillingness to speak to her, Shinji took the opportunity to look around and see what else had changed.

Around him were the mass production Eva units that remained crucified to their crosses atop a sea of red. Contrasting them all was the sight of Unit-04 lowering its arms no longer struggling to keep the wrath of Maelstrom at bay. Japan was saved from another Angel attack but it was left an imposing landmark to remind onlookers it was once there.

"Shinji! Are you alright?!"

Reminded of Misato again, Shinji took the opportunity to ask, "Is Asuka okay?"

There was a pause from Misato as she heard that question but eventually answered, "We're picking up her vitals. We haven't heard from her yet."

Fear ran through Shinji as he wondered what might have happened to Asuka with that report. Going through so much to save her only to discover that she might have died anyway was the last thing he wanted to see happen. It was a daunting fear he could not bring himself to continue going unanswered. He knew there was one way he would be able to confirm he accomplished anything and he was not going to discover it firsthand.

Before Shinji had a chance to step out, he heard Kaworu observe, "Shinji. You saved us like I knew you would."

Deciding he would have to let Kaworu know his intentions, Shinji told him, "I'm going in to help her. Wait there."

"Wait! Shinji!" Kaworu did not have a chance to give his warning as soon as his screen was cut off by Shinji exiting his cockpit.

Much like the aftermath of his battle against Ramiel, Shinji managed the energy he needed to force himself out of his cockpit and onto the red liquid beneath him. He was fortunate to find it was shallow as he waded his way over to Unit-02 and saw it on its left side. Whatever Kaworu or Misato we're trying to say to him now was irrelevant to him as he prepared to once again save someone he cared for.

Shinji's hopes were being answered as he climbed to Unit-02's entry plug and forced the hatch to be opened. LCL leaked out of the cockpit before giving Shinji the opportunity to find Asuka waiting for him. More than any other time he wanted this moment to bring him back to a simpler time where the conflict against the Angels would be more cut and dry than anything that could have been

What he found instead was a sight that absolutely shook him to his core.

The sound of a normal pulse from an EKG was supposed to be an assuring one but Shinji came to realize how it could completely upset what he was used to. Asuka was still alive and laying on a hospital bed right in front of him. Even though it was her, she could not be an individual to him or anyone potentially ever again.

Asuka lay on her bed staring at the ceiling above her with a look of abject terror with her eyes wide open but her mouth agape and lopsided. The appearance gave the impression of her being stuck in the middle of a scream but not at anything in front of her. She simply remained there on her back unable to move and unresponsive to anything around her.

It was not long after the retrieval of Unit-02 that Shinji immediately made his way to Asuka's side hoping she was better than she allowed people to believe. The idea that she might wake up any second was the only way he could justify looking over her. He would accept anything, the old or new Asuka, if only to confirm everything he did would not mean he condemned her to this state.

Ritsuko found Shinji looking over Asuka before telling him, "She can't respond to you."

Despite her reminder, Shinji remained fixated on Asuka as he asked, "I don't understand... What did I do to her?"

The trembling in Shinji's voice was met with Ritsuko's indifference as she explained, "It's too early to say but it is clearly brain damage from what we have been able to determine."

Shinji fought against the fear of what he had done asking, "We can still help her can't we?"

Looking over a nearby computer, Ritsuko checked the state of Asuka's bodily functions before answering, "She could be saved. But not immediately. The least we can do right now is see if she can be sustained in the outcome we may have to accept. That she may be in a persistent vegetative state."

Hearing such a description chilled Shinji harder than he imagined he could have been. All of his intentions to save Asuka accumulated in eradicating what remained of her as an individual. His attempts to save her from the brink of despair all but brought about her death.

Clinging to the rail at the end of her bed, Shinji iterated his intention, "I don't get it though. I was going in to save her. Why is she like this now?"

Ritsuko remained fixed on Asuka's vitals as she reasoned, "It may have happened when you were freeing her from the Angel, any other choice you made could have just as well been a worse outcome for her."

Staring at Asuka's face, frozen mid-scream, he asked, "How is this better?"

Seeing Shinji remain fixated on Asuka's condition made Ritsuko decide it was her responsibility to remove him from the room. She pushed him away from the bed before dripping solution into Asuka's eyes. Unmoved by the look of terror Asuka displayed she began working in the nearby IVs to prepare her for her occupation.

Reminding him that he was unable to change anything now, Ritsuko told him, "I know you had different intentions, but this is the best that could have happened."

Hearing those words stung more than Shinji could have hoped. They were perfectly apt for what he had done in making one decision about Asuka after another that ultimately led up to this happening. He allowed himself to selfishly pursue what he knew was not the real Asuka and he was facing the consequences of his attempts.

Shinji did not need to hear any more from Ritsuko as he turned around and walked his way out of the infirmary. He had no parting words or desire to say he could undo what had happened today. He knew in this instant that doing anything else would make things worse than they already were. He saw nothing that could say he made any better choices.

As if he needed further confirmation of what sort of reality he tried to escape to, he saw Misato making her way down the hall in front of him. He clenched his hands and turned away and did everything he could to place distance between him and her. As soon as he took his first step he realized he would not be let go so easily.

Misato had a hold of his shoulder as she asked, "Is she really in the state you said she was?"

Shinji swallowed before managing, "Look for yourself. That's all I'm good for."

"Shinji you did not-"

"What good am I?!"

Misato watched Shinji stomp away as he refused to engage with anyone about what he allowed to happen. There were times where words of encouragement were all he needed to feel prepared to face the trials of what happened but Misato could not find any today. She was forced to watch the boy she once cared about leave her in an even worse state than she ever recalled seeing him in.

Walking away from Misato was not any easier for Shinji to handle than it was for her. He also refused to let this side of himself be seen by anyone he believed he could place unconditional trust in. He also knew the number of people he could confide in without concern was frighteningly limited.

Just that fact alone made him want to rush over to Misato and plea for her reassurance. His idealized version of her made him believe she would forgo any grudges she still held while returning the favor for what he did on the fateful night she lost Kaji. He also knew he did not have an idealized version of anyone to turn to, just a long hallway that would take him further into the depths of NERV as he was left to prepare for another demanding day in a battle against an unending enemy force. A conclusion that made him consider an option he once feared but now saw the appeal in.

A/N: If you're curious what Farandolae are, in episodes 5, 13, and 14, you can see them listed in Unit-00's biological components on computer screens. They are described in Madeleine L'Engle's book, A Wind in the Door, as entities that reside in mitochondria keeping them alive. I figured with such an intricate concept in the canon of the show this would not only play a factor in how pilots connecting with LCL would work but also cause Asuka to become what she became.

So most of this was a giant action scene but I think I managed to get across the ultimate consequence of what Shinji's attempts to reach out to Asuka ended up being. He basically wanted a version of her that wasn't really "her," and then he faces the consequences of denying her individuality with a version of her that has nothing but anger for what she was forced to live through. I would argue this scenario as being a very "Eva," scenario that challenges the characters in ways that force them to consider their prior actions and if life is somehow still worth progressing through.

That being said, it's just another scenario here rather than the end. The ending here has only begun to demonstrate the consequences and how everyone will handle what is to come. I hope you all look forward to seeing where things go from here next chapter.