Chapter 41: Is This What We Brought Upon Ourselves?

Kaworu looked through the glass where he saw Kensuke lying on his side turned away from any onlookers. It was not a pleasant sight when he saw one of the few people he was on unconditionally friendly terms with was still reduced to a quivering mess. The only assurance he could feel from such a display was that he did not die and might be possible to save. It was not easy for him to accept however when he still held on to the fear that he might not live to see it happen.

"Staring at him isn't going to make him notice you, you know."

Kaworu heard Asuka chide him before he parted from the window. He did not have many options to choose from if he wanted to talk to anyone about things that mattered to him the most. There were few times he ever thought he would take the time to speak to anyone else, but Asuka's state did leave him curious with what she was going through.

Trying to get a feel for what she was like now, Kaworu asked her, "Do you have anyone you chose to fight for now?"

Asuka brushed off the question dismissing, "Of course not. I'm proving that I'm the best. Nobody is worthy of me now."

Without a chance to see what the old Asuka was like, Kaworu was left to believe there was a reason she was so willing to demonstrate her confidence. He could not say he was threatened by her presence since he now had an opportunity to discover what sort of person she was. At least to the extent she was allowed to be now.

Focusing on the motivation that intrigued him the most, Kaworu pointed to one part of her proclamation, "You say that as if there was once."

Asuka crossed her arms before confirming, "Ryoji Kaji. He was the best man I could ever meet. I'll never see him again now that he's gone. So I have to live for him now."

"I see. And how do you feel now that the pilot of Unit-01 is gone?"

Asuka looked at Kaworu confused for a second before answering, "I mean we have a unit out of commission but it doesn't affect me."

Deciding more precise language was necessary, Kaworu asked, "You are certain Shinji meant nothing to you?"

Asuka scratched her head asking, "Who are you talking about? I don't know him."

"How do you know you are being honest with yourself? Can't you remember what life was like before you joined NERV?"

"Of course I do. I was sent here to destroy Angels. I got myself in trouble a few times but that's as bad as it ever got."

"And you do not recall anyone by the name of Shinji?"

Hearing the name caused Asuka to groan before stomping in front of Kaworu, "Speak up to me when you're talking! If you're trying to hit on me, you could at least have the guts to say it! A boy showed his balls in front of me one time, I'm ready for whatever you have to say!"

It was an odd recollection but it demonstrated a consistent factor whenever Asuka heard anything. She might have heard the name Shinji but she was not willing to respond to it. He could not perceive what caused her to respond the way she was doing so beyond manipulation that was kept from him.

Deciding that trying to change what she perceived would only risk her delicate stare, Kaworu dismissed the subject entirely, "The pilot of Unit-01 means nothing to you. What happened to you is unfortunate."

Asuka was not any better assured of herself as she told him, "You're almost as bad as Rei you know that? You know what's unfortunate? Seeing Costello in there quivering because he doesn't have Abbot. He gets to think he's the best thing that ever happened here and now he's too afraid to even look at anyone."

Turning his attention back to Kensuke, Kaworu explained, "He still has friends he would wish to see return to him. If it is not either of us, then our duty is to make sure he still has a chance to return."

Asuka scoffed at the idea of protecting Kensuke but stuck to her original dedication, "I don't know who else would want to be friends with that shrimp. If I wasn't stuck with you and Wonder Girl, I'd be asking for someone else."

Curious about the claim, Kaworu asked, "You do not think underestimating others can lead to your greatest mistake? Even when you desire the approval of others?"

Tired of the propositions Kaworu was piling on to her, Asuka turned away and dismissed, "It's your business if you prefer looking at men. I have an Eva unit to take care of."

Without anything else, Asuka made her way down the hall and left Kaworu to himself. It was an isolating experience to be left watching Kensuke by himself but he found himself fascinated by Asuka's recent display. She was once again free from her troubles but her aspirations for being an Eva pilot seemed less clear than they could have been. He considered that she might have needed some form of intervention at some point but it seemed whatever chance she had was long gone.

What became of Asuka was to him a view of someone refusing to face what caused her pain before. Kensuke on the other hand was an example of someone not strong enough to face what challenges might have been in front of him no matter the enthusiasm he had. The two were both case examples of what might happen to Shinji if he was unable to face what hardships were keeping him from being happy. Either one was an example of what would allow SEELE to accomplish the hidden purpose behind this ongoing conflict.

Stepping away, Kaworu wondered to himself, "Was it you hiding your love that allowed you to avoid these fates?"

Remaining hidden in a less maintained part of Tokyo-3 required sacrifices on Misato's part as she not only had to lose her license plate but remove everything from her car that signified it might have been hers. For once she was glad her car was not the most properly maintained piece of machinery since it fit in with the dilapidated scenery. Staying out of sight from those who might have been looking for her however proved to be another challenge entirely. Even more worrisome was how much danger her mother and Shinji might be in.

She hated the idea of doing it, but Misato knew she would have to find some way to make her car look less reliable. Taking hold of a brick, she threw it through the front window before taking a screwdriver and jamming it into one tire after another. While she was not confident it would be enough, she could not think of another way to keep it from looking suspicious. With the car looking less appealing than ever before, Misato felt a little assured that she would no longer be pursued by what she used for transportation.

Misato was able to finish the easy part of keeping herself from being found but now realized the lengths she had to go after leaving the abandoned parking area. After putting on a face mask and bunching her hair under a sun hat, she hoped she had a sufficient disguise to keep her from being recognized. She did not enjoy the idea of wearing the tattered clothes her mother had but she now had the means to keep herself from immediately sticking out. Even with these steps in mind she knew she could not allow herself to think she was completely safe for the moment.

The suspicions Misato had were realized as she poked her head out to see several people across the street gathered near two men in particular. Not willing to take any chances with being seen, she pressed herself against the nearest wall and tried to keep herself from being seen. As a final measure she hid between a pair of trash cans as soon as she heard footsteps making their way towards her.

Her initial observation of the two men was confirmed as she heard Porter ask, "Miss, have you seen this woman?"

The woman being interrogated answered, "I'm sorry. I haven't."

Hawk dismissed her, instructing, "Please contact your local authorities if you see her anywhere."

The woman left accepting, "Fine. Leave me be now."

Misato watched the woman leave as she made her way down the sidewalk while Porter asked, "You think either of them will be out here?"

Hawk hesitated before answering, "We have very few leads as it is. We may be here for a while. The official homeless population is difficult to properly determine."

"If her mother was still alive, I find it difficult to imagine she would willingly live out here. Honestly after the evacuation order I can't imagine why there should be anyone left out here."

"It is also one of the last areas Misato contacted. There may be a family history that we are not familiar with if we are fortunate."

"We could very well be where she is. Separation might be the best way we can cover ground faster."

"You will remain in contact range at all times?"

"I will report all significant developments."

"I'll contact you for a brief report before the General calls me."

The two agents walked past on another and Misato watched Porter leave the area. She kept herself as still as possible to avoid making any sounds and found her effort paid off as he left without turning around. It was a perfect opportunity for an escape as she stood up and made her way down the alley she was trying to leave. She would have to be more careful as she returned to the place her mother lived but she now had a chance as she was forced to move through the shadows.

Shinji could not remember another instance where he would have considered Rei's apartment to be a better alternative than where he was. After waking up from a difficult sleep on the ground, he was instructed by Ikuko to meet her face to face for a conversation. With the more difficult subject matter out of the way, he could not imagine what else was there for him to discuss. As he was left the only occupant of the place she lived in right now, he realized how little progress they actually made.

The most intimidating thing came as soon as Shinji saw Ikuko place a sake cup in front of him and open a bottle. Unlike the beer he was familiar seeing Misato drink, he was presented with a clear liquid he would have assumed was cloudy water. Trying to tell the difference between the two was the last thing he was worried about however as he would come to realize.

Pouring one for him and then for herself, Ikuko sat back and asked, "So this is your first time drinking Shinji?"

Shinji looked at the cup in front of him asking, "Is it really right for me to drink this Mis-"

Before he could ask anything, Ikuko raised her cup and told him, "First, if you're gonna address me as anything just call me mom from now on. Second, you didn't ask that when you had sex with my daughter, you might as well start doing other adult stuff now."

Looking down at the drink, Shinji still felt uneasy about trying what he knew he should not have been trying for a few years at least. No matter what protest he could think of however, he was still under the roof where the mother of his girlfriend lived. As always, his intention to earn the approval of others became his greatest concern.

Taking hold of the cup, Shinji watched Ikuko smile and bring it to her lips. Doing his best to imitate her, Shinji did the same thing and prepared to take his first drink of anything alcoholic. Through the corner of his eye it seemed to him that he was supposed to drink the whole cup in one gulp and forced himself to bear with the taste that threatened to overwhelm his senses.

As soon as the cup was empty, Shinji placed his cup down and felt his face scrunch at the feeling of sake make its way down his throat. He felt himself being overwhelmed by sensations he could not describe before while struggling to keep his own thoughts clear. In the presence of anyone else he would have made his disapproval known but could not bear the idea of making a scene in front of Ikuko.

The sight of him trying to stay so proper made Ikuko laugh as she observed, "You weren't lying, this really is your first time. Feels like Hell in there doesn't it?"

Shinji felt himself struggle to stay focused while answering, "I... I can't... I don't..." After a few seconds, Shinji managed to keep his head level and answered, "I'm not sure what to think. It feels warm in here."

Pouring more sake for both of them, Ikuko confirmed, "It sure is. Misato can't do this right now so I hope you enjoy this while you can."

Looking down at the sake beneath him, Shinji struggled to imagine how he was supposed to maintain a conversation but forced himself as much as his clouded head permitted. It was not an easy task for him however as he prepared to drink again but struggled to keep himself stable. He managed to bring the sake to his mouth again but felt some run down his cheek as he sloppily drank his sake.

Ikuko placed her cup down realizing, "Damn, you're a lightweight too. Guess I should have expected that."

Shinji managed to hear the observation as he asked, "What have... This feels weird..."

Pouring more sake for herself, Ikuko agreed, "First time for anything is like that. I take it that's how it felt when you had a tussle with Misato the first night?"

Shinji could not tell how he was coming off to Ikuko as he placed both hands on the table and answered, "I liked it… I actually felt happy for a change."

The proclamation made Ikuko frown as she tried to rationalize his answer, "You would wouldn't you? I guess you weren't kidding when you said you didn't have parents to keep you from doing that sort of thing."

The moment Ikuko reminded him of the scenario, Shinji soured as the aftertaste developed in his mouth, "Yeah. My father can die for all I care. I can't believe I ever cared about him."

Ikuko did not know Shinji until yesterday, but she was already accustomed to him being a polite and mannered child. After taking his first few drinks however he seemed to leak out a side of him that he did not allow others to hear before. While she was fortunate to see him attempt to keep himself together, seeing him reveal everything made her pleased to hear there was something resembling a backbone in him.

Ikuko found herself interested by the accusations of such a claim before asking, "So your old man is no good huh? He didn't give you what you wanted for your birthday one year, is that it?"

Struggling to form single sentences, Shinji took hold of his head and answered, "He doesn't see me as anything but a... something he can toss aside..."

Still unsure about Shinji's reasoning, Ikuko asked, "Does he really? How much have you tried talking to him?"

It was the only thing Ikuko needed to ask that made Shinji shoot his gaze up to hers and unleash a side of him he rarely showed in person, "All the time! I do anything to make him happy! I fight stupid Angels! I make Uni-01 go up! I do everything he tells me! Just one time I want to hear him say I did good! He doesn't care at all! I lost friends and I'm stuck here! Now he wants to kill everybody!"

Shinji fell on the table face first as he panted after his tangent. Revealing everything he ever held back was a challenge already but he never imagined he would do so with such an impediment on him. He was not even certain he was making clear statements after what he released. The only thing he was able to do in the moment was keep his face pressed against the table and maintain a struggle not to cry as he thought about how troubled his life was for so long.

He was not left to weep along however as Ikuko made her way over to him and turned his chair towards her. Shinji struggled to even look Ikuko in the eye as he felt his lightheadedness become even harder on him. His thoughts buzzed as he tried to determine what he would even say as he remembered who he was speaking to.

Looking him in the eye, Ikuko realized, "So you're one of the pilots Misato's been taking care of all this time after all. I knew it had to be hard out there, but it sounds like you've been holding in way more than you could have handled."

"Miss I... Mom... I... I..."

Shinji found himself having an even harder time holding himself back as he remembered what honorific he gave Ikuko. Leaning back in his chair he found himself struggling to even form a complete sentence or a coherent thought. All he could accomplish was thinking about how he was supposed to keep his composure despite everything he was asked to handle.

Ikuko tried to keep him involved in the conversation by asking, "You lose your thoughts?"

Shinji sniffed as a tear fell from his right eye, answering, "I... haven't called anyone mother... in so long..."

Despite her initial concerns about being too soft on him, Ikuko could not make herself remain stoic in the face of what she was seeing. There was real harm that had been done to him and he had held it in for so long he only now seemed to be showing some sense of relief from unveiling everything. It may not have been right to make him drink at his age but it managed to yield a confession from him that she wondered about the possibility of under any other situation.

Ikuko sighed as she brought a hand behind Shinji's head and allowed him to lean on her. The gesture seemed to be out of nowhere to Shinji but he was already having a hard time being able to muster thoughts of protest with his current condition. He could not understand how he was supposed to react but he still did all he could to keep himself from appearing to be a greater mess than he was.

Parting from the embrace, Ikuko frowned as she wanted, "I've never been much of a mother. You think you'll be any better for her?"

Shinji was still struggling to follow his own thoughts as he answered, "I will. I'll make sure… make sure she's the only… one I ever care about. I'll never let her be hurt, I… I promise."

Placing her hands on both shoulders, Ikuko denied, "A kid like you can't do it."

"I... I..." Try as he might, Shinji had trouble finding out how he could approach more gently but finally asked what made him afraid the most, "Do I... Am I really that bad?"

Shaking her head, Ikuko explained, "Sometimes being eager to please is just all it takes for life to fall apart. I know what it's like from experience. Misato told me about this argument you had with her, just try and think of that but worse. You might find yourself having nowhere else to go if you tie yourself to her. Stick yourself to her and you'll be even more miserable than before."

Shinji only managed to keep his focus in the last part as he asked, "Why are you talking about Misato that way? She deserves to be happy. A lot more than I do."

Hearing such a dismissal of his own well-being made Ikuko sigh as she observed, "You've gotten to your age and you already sound like I did."

Confused by the revelation and his trouble keeping track of what he was hearing, Shinji asked, "Like... What?"

Despite his drunken state, Ikuko still found it viable to reveal what she was afraid of by recalling, "When I was a little girl my idea was to be the best wife I could ever be for the man of my dreams. My mom hooked me up with a Tokyo University graduate and it seemed like I was going to get everything I ever wanted. Then he just hung me up like a God damn used towel."

She could not tell if Shinji was still paying attention but the last statement seemed to be enough to make him ask, "Why did he... do that?"

Ikuko knew Shinji would not be able to pick up on everything if he had to hear her vent her frustration but managed to answer, "I'll tell you why, he didn't even want to touch me. His folks expected a kid, he did the bare minimum, and he was done. He would never come home when I was awake and he would always leave as early as he could. He expected me to be the perfect mother for Misato and nothing I did was enough."

While Ikuko could assume Shinji was still following along with the last sentences, she found his confusion well-founded to make him point out, "You... You had to be."

Ikuko grimaced as she recalled another key part of Misato's childhood that left an impression on her, "As soon as she started walking she wanted to be with her father more than anyone else. I tried to spoil her any way I could and she still wanted to have her father around. I couldn't tell what I was doing wrong and I guess I never found out either. Then she got to be your age and she managed to find a way to take the first trip she could take to Antarctica and... Well that much is all history now..."

Ikuko realized she left herself open to one of the most personal observations anyone could make about her as she heard Shinji determine, "Did... So Misato hated you..."

Ikuko wiped her eyes as she denied the accusation, "She was a kid. She only wanted to have her father around like the other kids at school did. It's practically a joke to see you have the same issue as she did."

As inebriated as he was, Shinji still managed to voice his confusion at the story he was being told, "But you... didn't... try..."

Ikuko sniffed as she tried to remain strong in light of her confession before agreeing, "I didn't, did I? Before I ever heard Misato was alive I thought she died with her father. I told myself I lost everything after that. And here I am now."

What Ikuko heard next was the harshest thing she could have hoped to hear as she heard Shinji ask, "Are you... going to happen... to me?"

Shinji had every right to accuse her. Ikuko did not let herself be the mother Misato needed and allowed her to live the remainder of her life without her. If she had been a better woman and willing to be in the life of her daughter, she might find herself in a different place. As much as she could wish for that alternate reality where she was as revered as she wanted to be, she knew it was out of her reach now.

The fact she was willing to entertain the thought of her daughter being attached to someone half her age was already enough of a demand, the idea he would be just as broken and desperate was an absolute nightmare. Shinji did not have a father who wanted to be there for him and he barely even had a conception of what a motherly figure was supposed to be to him. She wanted to find some way to end it all no matter what little pain Misato might have after learning of her mother's death. It was the only thing she wanted and yet the consequences of trying to understand her own daughter's grief now sat in front of her revealing every bit of grief he had been holding back for so long.

Ikuko knew she could not take the easy way out of the situation as she explained to him, "I'm trying to warn you Shinji. If you're going to live for someone else alone, you'll never be happy."

Finding her way to her mother's place was not the experience Misato was hoping for. Every corner she turned she managed to find one of the two seemingly waiting for her. The reminder that both she and Shinji would be safe for a time under Ikuko's care was the only thing that kept her from panicking. If she could never return to them however, everything she accomplished would be for nothing.

While keeping herself knelt down, Misato peaked behind her to look down an alley but saw one of them walking by. She could not even keep track of how much time had passed but it seemed like the patrol was never going to end. She took hold of her stomach as she tried to keep herself from making any noises that would give her away but she found it becoming more difficult to accomplish than any other time.

Misato gave a small sigh as she remembered what she was trying to protect. In better condition she could have faced either of the agents singlehandedly and made sure they never succeeded in whatever mission they had. What she carried inside her however continued to be an obstacle that kept her from taking the action she thought she needed to.

She was not pleased with the idea that her baby was causing her such distress, but Misato knew it was a choice she made herself. A choice she could not afford to regret or try to undo. Much like the direction her life had gone however, she could not immediately come up with how she could fix what she was dealt with.

As soon as she poked her head out again she found her luck seemed to take a turn for the better. There was no one searching for her and she decided it was the best chance for her to make her escape. She stood up and turned around the corner to prepare stepping out into the open streets again. She checked both ways before she allowed herself to be seen again and found herself in a sense of security she never imagined she could feel again.

Feeling secure in that moment turned out to be the last thing Misato could have afforded but realized it too late. A sharp blow hit the back of her head, but she was prevented from falling to the ground as she felt her collar caught from behind. She was forced around before finding herself face to face with the one who managed to catch up to her.

With her sun hat flipped off, Hawk gave a quick pull of her face mask before confirming, "You thought you could elude us. You certainly made us work."

Misato tried to break away but found her hands pulled as Hawk quickly placed a pair of handcuffs around her wrists and felt herself pulled along. Everything passed by in what seemed to be a blur as she tried to keep herself from falling over and only now seemed to be able to recognize what was happening to her. She was alone in the streets with one of the agents that somehow managed to stop her before she could escape but it would not be long before she recognized how serious her situation had become.

Porter appeared as he asked, "You found the Major?"

Hawk turned while keeping hold of Misato's cuffs, answering, "We only need to find the target now."

Misato used the exchange as an opportunity to pull against Hawk's hold as she protested, "Let me go! This isn't your job!"

Hawk denied the plea, "You made it our job Major. You can explain yourself when we're finished out here."

Hearing such a condition caught Misato's attention right away as she asked, "What are you doing? What are you trying to do out here?"

Her defiance made Porter warn, "Misato we are not here to hurt you. This is for the food of everyone. We need you to tell us where Shinji is."

Realizing what the two men were sent to do, Misato could not keep herself from panicking as she demanded, "Don't lay a finger on him! He's been through too much already!"

Unwilling to put up with her defiance any longer, Hawk drew his gun and pressed it against her head as he warned, "You can't hide everything from us. You forced us to pursue you this much, we'll deal with whatever attempts at deception you can think of."

Porter added another warning, "We do not want to take your mother in for being an accessory to interfering with government business. Just tell us where Shinji is."

The dilemma became even more cruel than what Misato could have imagined. Not because she was being forced to choose between saving either one of the people she cared for, but because she had no way of protecting either. In a more controlled environment, she could have taken the time to determine what sort of lie she could tell but even just the brief few seconds of hesitation were all the agents needed.

Hawk looked up to Porter as he ordered, "We have the address. Get ready to take them both if necessary."

Porter cringed at what he was being told to do as he asked, "You think they are both there?"

Hawk took hold of the chain holding Misato where she was as he told him, "Even if we don't find them both, we will at least have collateral to work with."

Unwilling to take being talked about any longer, Misato warned, "You better let me go or I'll bite my tongue off right now!"

Hawk turned to her dismissing in an indifferent manner, "You won't."

A/N: There's a little bit of a development for sure. Let's face it, they were both going to get found at some point. Try as they might, there is just no escaping from NERV.

One thing you might have noticed about the exchange between Shinji and Ikuko is that it is indeed inspired from another story. You might have read Tormentor488's "Coward" which has an opening chapter with a similar scene to the exchange you read earlier. I decided a scene like this was a way to essentially drop another heap of reality onto Shinji while signifying another scene of him releasing what childhood he had left. So, in case anyone caught that giant reference, hopefully this is at least different enough that it can stand as its own thing.

Even though he has to face the potential challenges of what might come, the people outside their lives are still going to be acting on what they want from him and Misato. How they are all going to be handled under the care of NERV now is under speculation for now but soon to be addressed in the next chapter. I hope to see you all then.