"It's interesting the way in which one has to balance life because you have to know when to let go and when to pull back ... There's always some liminal (as opposed to subliminal) space in between which is harder to inhabit because it never feels as safe as moving from one extreme to another." - Bell Hooks

o-o-o

Friday, November 11th

The apartment is quiet, save for the sound of Bud's TV blaring from his bedroom. Bud and his TVs, I think, trying not to roll my eyes. He had been so proud of his color TV that when he'd had some extra cash lying around, he decided to buy a second TV, this one for his bedroom. Of course, the TV had cost more than he had expected, which had meant I had to pay all of last month's rent. Again.

I shut the door to my bedroom and collapse on my bed without so much as pulling off my boots. I was exhausted, but Bud's TV was on the other side of the same wall that my bed was against, so the cacophony only grew louder. But I knew I wouldn't sleep after what had happened tonight with Jackie anyway.

Well, that and the realization that I had, against all odds and my best efforts, fallen for Jackie Burkhart.

How could I like her? Because I don't like her. Because I can't like her. Mrs. Forman, if I like her, shoot me.

Pow!

That's when something had shifted. It was one thing when I could convince myself that I didn't have any feelings for Jackie. But when others started to see it too, like Mrs. Forman, it suddenly became a lot harder to convince myself that there was nothing there.

And it was then that I'd noticed, over Mrs. Forman's shoulder, Jackie sitting alone at the picnic table in the middle of the Forman's driveway. Chip was gone, and she obviously didn't know where I was, so in that moment she'd looked at ease and I'd instinctively felt myself pulled toward her. I was not sure how or when it had happened, but watching her there in the driveway…I hadn't been able to ignore it any longer. Hostility had turned to amiability and protectiveness into something more. It was time to figure out what exactly that was.

Jackie, get your car. We're going on a freakin' date.

I'd picked up a pizza and some pop from The Hub then drove us to a quiet spot not far from the water tower. Jackie was…a different person when she was just with me. Less shallow and superficial, so I hadn't wanted to take her somewhere that we'd risk running into someone from school.

It was that side of Jackie, that I only ever saw when we were alone, that I'd grown to like. We didn't talk much on our date, but it was enough for me to see that she was a lot more complex than she let on, almost as if she had armor built up around her. She was a lot like me, I'd realized. Only she carried herself differently, with more optimism and hope than I did. For the longest time, I'd derided her for it. But sitting there, impressively watching her put away half a pizza, I'd started to admire her for it. Something had caused her to put up that armor, and yet she had the strength to stay positive and work for something better. That was strength I knew I didn't have.

It was with that realization that I had finally understood just how hard I'd fallen for her.

A loud crash from Bud's TV makes me jump, and breaks me from the memory.

I roll onto my stomach. "Dammit!" I bark into my pillow.

Tonight had been bad. I let the thought surround me. I'd kissed Jackie and she'd slammed the brakes. As was her right. But I'd made a lot of progress before tonight. Progress in boxing up my growing feelings for Jackie and putting them on a shelf out of reach to collect dust. But then one night with her, one date, had unraveled everything.

I didn't feel anything.

It was those words that shut everything down. I'd been down this path before with Donna, and it had only made both of us miserable, almost costing us our friendship. I wouldn't do the same thing to Jackie. I'd almost said something, but in the long run, I'd agreed that I felt nothing either.

So I guess that's it then? Turns out you were right about us all along.

"Dammit!" I shout into my pillow again, as remorse floods over me.

Another loud crash from Bud's TV shakes the wall and that's it. I'm on my feet and out of the apartment, slamming the door behind me, not caring if it wakes Bud. Once outside, I take a breath and crane my neck up toward the night sky. It had been cloudy all day, and now the sky is an inky black void. The only light comes from the sickly yellow flood light illuminating the apartment complex parking lot.

But at least it is quiet.

o-o-o

Before I entirely realize where I'm going, I find myself in the Forman driveway. I slow my pace, unsure of what my next move is. It is late. Should I turn around and go back to Bud's? Probably, but that doesn't stop me from moving toward the back of the house and the basement door.

"Steven?" Her voice, quiet and tentative, stops me in my tracks.

I pivot on my heel to face Jackie. She is at the edge of the hedges that separate the Forman yard from the Pinciotti's. I say nothing.

"What are you doing here?' she asks, surprise lacing her words.

"I could ask you the same question," I deflect, tucking my hands into my pockets.

"I need to talk to Donna," Jackie says. Immediately, her eyes widen, as if realizing her mistake. "Er, I mean…she wants to talk to me. About…Eric. See, I called her, or well, really she called me," she pauses. "Yeah, and- and she said to come over. Because she needs to talk. About Eric."

She was fumbling over her words and damn if I didn't find it endearing.

I also didn't believe a word she said. She was trying a little too hard to convince me that it was Donna that asked her to come over and not vice versa.

"Uh-huh," I say slowly.

Jackie nods and tucks a strand of hair behind her ear, but says nothing more.

"What horrible thing has Forman done this time that Donna needs you to come over at," I glance at my watch, "11:30 at night instead of waiting to talk to you tomorrow?"

Jackie 's laugh is forced and high pitched. "That's what I'm going to go find out. And Donna's waiting for me, so I probably better go."

"Jackie, wait."

I instinctively step toward her retreating figure, the words flying out of my mouth before I can stop them. Whatever was going on in her head, she was doing a shit job at hiding it. Something told me she hadn't wanted to be quite so transparent just now, and if she went over to Donna's like this, she'd end up regretting it.

"Just…don't forget your Zen, man."

There. A gentle reminder to use the Zen I had taught her would at least help her to keep up the pretense of normalcy when she knocked on Donna's door. It was the least I could do.

I feel her gaze search my face as she considers my words.

"Right, okay," she says, and I can't help but be impressed with how quickly she managed to become Zen in a moment's notice. "Well, good night then."

Then she's gone, and I don't stick around either. Before I can talk myself out of it, I head down the stairs to the basement. I can see the light from the TV flickering through the window on the door, so I already know Forman is going to be on the ratty old couch before I open the door. He glances up as I enter, but if he's surprised to see me here so late, he doesn't show it.

I shut the door behind me and throw on my shades before taking up residence in my chair.

"How'd it go with Jackie?" Forman asks, shifting his focus from the TV to me.

"What?" I ask, trying to keep from sounding too defensive.

"Today, at the barbecue? Donna was telling me that Jackie went extreme today, even for her," Forman explains. "Said she brought some guy along to try to make you jealous?"

"Oh, yeah, that." I relax into my chair.

That is response enough for him, because he changes the subject. "Anyway, where've you been all night? I couldn't find you when we moved the barbecue over to the Pinciotti's."

I choose my words carefully, not wanting to flat out lie, but I wasn't too keen on telling Forman the entire truth either. I lift one foot to the table, then the other, considering my options.

"Out with a chick."

Forman snickers. "I'll bet that got Jackie to back off."

I bite my tongue, holding back a retort. I was glad Forman assumed the chick wasn't Jackie, but I was also starting to get a bit annoyed with his gleeful satisfaction imagining Jackie's misery. But, I have to play along. This was how things would go back to normal.

"That was kind of the point," I agree carefully.

"You cold-hearted - "

"Nah, it's not like that, man," I interrupt him, an idea quickly taking shape in my mind. "Jackie needed a reality check. I'm not into her that way and this was the only way I could think to show her," I say firmly. Then as an afterthought, I add, "unrequited feelings suck."

Only the very last part of what I said was true. Having one-sided feelings for Donna had sucked, and now, it seemed as though I was in the same situation with Jackie.

"And did it work?" Forman asks.

"Like a charm," I say, realizing bitterly that this was also true. Tonight's date may have ignited my feelings for Jackie, but it had the opposite effect for her. Her feelings for me had been snuffed out.

I shift my focus to the TV, but it's only a rerun of Gilligan's Island, and my mind quickly starts to wander. This time, Jackie's odd-behavior in the driveway takes residence in my mind.

Jackie had said that Donna called her at nearly midnight because she needed to talk about Eric. I still wasn't sure I believed her, but this was my chance to find out more.

"So, how'd the rest of the barbecue go?" I ask, schooling my voice into mild disinterest.

"Ohh, that's right. You weren't here so you don't know," Forman says, suddenly animated. He shifts on the couch so he's facing me.

Wait, had Jackie been telling the truth?

"Bob is bankrupt," Forman says in a stage whisper, as though he and I aren't the only two down here in the basement. "He has to close Bargain Bob's."

Well, that was certainly an unpleasant twist. "He announce that at the barbecue?" I ask.

"Err, not exactly," Forman says and rubs his hand against the back of his neck. "Donna told me. And to make him feel better, I put an end to the weird, alpha-male barbecue rivalry between him and Red, and we brought all our guests over to the Pinciotti's." Forman leans back against the couch, looking pleased with himself. "Scored quite a few brownie points with m'lady, if I do say so myself."

I roll my eyes at Forman, but that basically answered my question. Jackie had been lying.

"So, Donna's not mad at you?" I ask, just to be sure.

"Oh no, my friend." Forman grins nefariously. "In fact, after the barbecue was over, she - "

"I've heard enough," I interject. Then for good measure, I reach over and frog him in the shoulder, something I usually reserved for Kelso.

Forman shrugs, as if anticipating my reaction. We fall into silence after that, and finish the episode of Gilligan's before he decides to call it a night.

"Yeah, I better head back to Bud's," I lie. I sit up in my chair, bracing my hands on my knees as though I'm getting ready to rise.

"See you at school tomorrow," Forman says as he lopes up the stairs to the kitchen.

Once he's gone, I finally do stand. But instead of leaving, I retreat to the cot that still waits for me in the back room of the basement.

Unlike at Bud's, it doesn't take me long to slow my racing mind. The absence of Bud's pounding loud TV certainly helped, but it was really due to the lie I told Forman about putting the kibosh on Jackie's crush on me by going out with another chick. The idea had come to me in the moment, but it really was perfect. Two birds, one stone, or so they say. It provided me with an excuse for my absence tonight, and it would allow for things with me and Jackie to go back to normal among our friends.

Tomorrow, I'd learn that this was wishful thinking, and that there really was no such thing as 'normal' when it came to me and Jackie. But tonight, not knowing what was to come, I fall quickly into sleep, surrounded by nothing but silence.

Author's Note: Chapter 3: Highs & Lows will be posted Friday, February 9, 2024.