"Jack?" Lisa called out and stepped out onto the front porch, pulling her cardigan tighter to block herself from the chill. "Are you out here?" She called into the dark night, glancing toward their chairs, almost reaching back inside to switch on the light but didn't because Jack called out to her.
"I'm here, Lise," Jack called to her, and she then turned on the light back in the cabin, looking toward the sound of his voice. He wasn't seated in the Adirondack chairs they'd been sitting in just a couple hours prior, but she found him on the step of the cabin.
"Honey, what are you doing?" Lisa asked as she walked over to him, pulling that cardigan even tighter. "Jack?"
"I need to apologize," he stated, looking up at her, and Lisa frowned, shaking her head at him. She was concerned with him sitting there on the step in the middle of the night and grunted as she joined him there, sitting almost with their shoulders touching, her classic, classy pajama set a stark contrast to the old cabin. Once she was seated, she looked over at him, patting his knee.
"What are you apologizing for doing?"
"Ahh, the mess I was a few hours ago, going on about this or that," he waved his arm sighing. "I really thought I was starting to accept where my life is now. I've become very comfortable around you, more than that-I enjoy you very much and thought we were making decent progress these last weeks, especially lately. Then, the other day, all of that coming up at my appointment," he sighed and waved again, "it just then had me thinking. I think I'm getting too much in my own mind, which is ironic considering I can't remember anything for a span of 18 years. That had me questioning you, me, what that meant to Lyndy's memory, and I am really sorry, Lisa. I know I have been a mess, have probably had your guessing and wondering about everything, and I am not trying to lead you on or anything else. I'm really not. It's like I thought I was doing okay, and then, I'm back here wondering about this, that, and everything else."
She had clasped her hands around her knees as she sat there listening to him. She nudged him with her shoulder, "Thank you. In some weird way, I think I actually understand that, the idea that you were trying to move forward with me and as soon as you did, it almost felt awkward especially as the topic of intimacy was put more front and center. I can get that," she nodded, sighing probably too loudly. It was enough of a sigh, probably a frustrated sigh, that Jack ended up putting his arm around her shoulder, eyeing her. "To be honest, there's always been this memory of Lyndy that I've had to deal with amongst the entire family, not just you. The girls idolize her, which is fine; she was their grandmother, but take Amy. Amy was three when she died, and I've been in her life 18 years. I'm not trying to take anyone's place, but I've been here for the family. Still," she frowned and grew quiet as she tried to decide what she wanted to say, "I've always lived in a sort of shadow of Lyndy for years and years. Hearing it again is hard, yes, but I suppose I've grown to be secure in my place in this family even if it means feeling second best at times."
"See, I absolutely do not want you to feel second best, ever. You do not deserve that, and in all of this, I'm trying to put feelings behind me I suppose, before I tackle new ones. I thought I had, but I don't know," he waved his hand. "I'm rambling. I feel like I should be back where I ask your permission for anything since I told you I'm just torn. I do enjoy our closeness, but I suppose the idea of moving forward in an intimate setting was just a lot. I don't want you to think you are undesirable or anything of the sort."
She nodded, still sitting there with her hands wrapped around her knees, nudging Jack again with her shoulder. "You don't have to do anything of the sort. You're not leading me on. We are married and as I keep saying, have been a long time. I know this is confusing for both of us as I've said. I also realize your feelings have to be all over the place for you. I'm trying really hard to be patient. I love being around you, sitting here like this. Goodness, the last trip we had here, you wouldn't have tolerated sitting here with your arm around me, so I consider it all progress, even if at times it's a step back or confusing to you, me, or both of us. I will admit the Lyndy conversation hasn't come up in probably 14 years or so with us, and that is a little frustrating, but I get that you don't remember any of that."
"You are probably the most patient and understanding person I've ever met," Jack said quietly, leaning toward her ear. It almost tickled, as close as he was. She grinned, and he continued, "Course, it's not like I'd remember meeting anyone else patient and kind either."
At that, Lisa burst out laughing, turning her head there in the very close proximity they had and kissing him quickly. She was glad that even with his uneasiness, as she suspected that was the right word, about any intimacy with her, he still seemed okay with this closeness and at least kissing her. Their kiss was chaste and a quick one, but she shifted, snaking her arm around his back and burrowing into his side, his warmth very much welcome on this chilly fall night. Lisa adored this man and knew what they had even if his injury right now was clouding that. She felt Jack kiss the top of her head as the couple sat there in the dead of night, out there on their isolated property.
"I don't even know what to say except that losing a spouse sometimes brings up a lot of odd emotions at especially awkward times or when least expected, and I'm sorry. It's not fair to you, and I hate knowing that we've hashed this out before, and here it is again. I hope it doesn't sour our trip or anything."
"No," she sighed, "this is all partly why it's good to get away, for us to have this alone time to talk and reflect, as hard as it is."
"I want to be able to love you. I really do," he said, squeezing her closer. She gripped his side, nodding. "I have to be able to let go of my past." That seemed to be all that needed to be said. They dropped into silence again, this silence lasting for some time until Lisa felt herself almost drifting off to sleep. As relaxed as Jack seemed to be, she wondered the same about him.
"Jack, you have to be cold. You're just in your shirt here. I'm freezing in two layers. How long have you been out here?"
"Oh, not sure, just doing a lot of thinking. Couldn't sleep. Sorry if it got you up."
"Well, I was worried about you when I rolled over, and you weren't there. Your spot was cold, so that told me you had been up for some time. So," she nudged him again, "are you done wrestling with your thoughts for tonight and ready to try and sleep? I'm worried about you. I want you to relax, enjoy things here. I'm not pressuring you," she told him, and at that, he snapped his head toward her, locking eyes with her.
"I don't think that at all," he said quietly and sweetly. "You've been nothing but wonderful. I want you to know it's me, that I need to apologize for whatever and everything. I don't want to mislead you."
"You are certainly not," she said, her hand reaching up to cup his chin as she gave him a soft smile in the dim light coming from the cabin. "I promise you. You've been honest throughout this, even when it might not be something I want to hear." She patted his knee again, "Come on. Let's go to bed. I do miss you when you're not there," she told him, that same smile returning to her face. Jack put his hand on hers, still there on his knee, and he leaned over to kiss her again, Lisa once again, glad about that. "Let's try heading to bed again, eeeh? Maybe we can make it at least until daylight."
Hours later, Lisa opened her eyes to see that she'd made it to daylight but was truly not surprised to see that Jack was already up and about. The cabin was empty; he wasn't in there. He hadn't started the wood stove either, probably fearful of waking her, so there was a definite chill in the air. Her muscles protested as she got up, and as much as she wanted to stay in bed to rest, she wanted to find Jack even more. After putting her sweater on and finding her rubber ankle boots, as she had many pairs of different muck boots there, she stepped outside, hoping that Jack was maybe making coffee. The new door that had been put in going to the outdoor kitchen was still locked, and at a quick glance, wasn't back there, so she started for the front door, concerned a little with the fact she hadn't heard him moving around at all in the cabin.
"Jack?" She called again as she opened the door, an almost sense of Déjà vu hitting her from doing this same thing just a few hours ago. This time, her eyes went right to the steps, but he wasn't there. A quick glance to the table allowed her to relax.
"Lise, you look like you've seen a ghost," Jack called, standing from the table. "What's wrong?"
She let out a long sigh and shook her head, "Nothing. Nothing is wrong. I got concerned. It's so early. Why are you up again? Did you sleep at all?"
Instead of answering her, Jack pointed over to Lisa's car and then looked at her. She shook her head at him, "What? Did you see some sort of animal? Bear? What?" She tilted her head at Jack, noting he was sitting there with his favorite flannel jacket on, a cup of coffee on the table, and a pot of coffee ready there as well. "Jack?" She followed his gaze, which was still over at the car.
"I was dreaming, and it woke me up. It felt real. I couldn't sleep, and honestly, I was trying to separate dream from reality."
"Okay," she said, slightly concerned as she sat down in the other chair there at the new table. She looked over at him, her mind flashing back to their very first trip to the cabin, now all these years ago, and she almost felt that same anticipation, wanting to connect with Jack where he was in his thoughts. "Why don't you tell me about it."
He frowned, and she studied him, knowing her husband so well, and in his eyes, she could see that he was trying to process everything. He shook his head, gesturing at her, "I'm not sure what to make of it."
"Maybe I can help," she offered after he grew quiet.
Jack nodded, looking over at her, "You were in it. Lyndy was in it. I was here at the cabin."
"Okay," she nodded, her warm smile at him, hopefully an encouraging nod. She glanced at his coffee cup, and Jack noted that glance and handed his cup over to her with a wink. Even with his memory loss, they seemed to still be able to communicate through their eyes and without speaking. She noted the empty cup and filled it from the pot of coffee he had sitting there on the table. Judging by the steam coming off of her cup, he'd made it recently.
"I don't want to sound crazy," he sighed, frowning again.
"Well," she grinned, "I think we're well beyond that now." Both burst out laughing, and Jack nodded.
"Good point. In my dream, I was talking to Lyndy out here about my truck, but," he paused, frowning again. "It's a big foggy. Then, you drove up in your car, but we were all much younger," he let out a soft chuckle. "That's where I said, sounds crazy. I know that didn't happen."
Lisa sat forward, leaning on the table, "What truck?"
"Oh, my old one," he waved, and when she rolled her eyes and tilted her head, he dropped his head, again, chuckling lightly, "Fine, my retired truck, Goldie."
Lisa perked up at that, "Wait, do you have much more to that dream?"
He eyed her and shook his head, "I can't even remember the conversation with Lyndy, except she gave me the truck, for our anniversary. Then, you drove up."
Lisa pointed at the table, her index finger almost wildly gesturing, "Jack, we have a story about that truck, here even, and if you say we were both younger in it, you might actually be having a memory of us. I can't put the Lyndy piece into it so it fits, but maybe it does."
"What about my truck?"
"Ahh, what, 15 years ago, no maybe longer," she shook her head. "That doesn't matter, but the girls and I convinced you to finally get a new truck after Goldie kept breaking down. It was leaving Lou and Amy stranded places, and that is what really convinced you to look for something new, or," she rolled her eyes, "something else. You fought it so much at first, and what didn't help is back then, you didn't talk to any of us about the significance of Goldie. I mean, now I know. I finally got you to talk, but let me get to that. So, after what felt like weeks of you dragging your feet, I took you to the car lot, and we looked at trucks. I first thought you were resistant because of the price, which was maybe a very small part of it. Eventually, you got a new truck, very modern, had all the bells and whistles, which by the way," she grinned with a soft chuckle, you hated."
"I can only imagine," he rolled his eyes. "What happened to it?"
"Oh, well, that's where I'm getting to your dream part. You sulked about that truck for a few days, and finally, one day, I had stopped by to have coffee with you. I suggested we take the truck out on the road to let you drive it. Some of it, I felt, was that you weren't giving it a chance. You hated the adjustable seats, said the truck was too low, and just hated all the modern conveniences of it. I wanted us to go toward Banff to try this new restaurant, a good date night. Instead, you stormed out, not a word where you were going, and you drove up here. All afternoon and evening, I wondered where you were. The girls started to get worried too. When you didn't come home, I just knew you'd driven up here. That was the first time you hadn't called me in the evening in a really long time, so early the next morning, I drove up here. I was worried sick. I remember I left before dawn, intent on tracking you down. I did pull up here," she gestured, "over where we always park. You were on the porch, almost as if you were waiting and knew I'd be here, but you didn't. You looked like you hadn't slept all night, probably hadn't. I got out of the car as you walked up to me, and I asked-"
"Is it okay if I'm here?" Jack finished, eyeing Lisa. "You said that, didn't you?" Jacks' eyes widened, and he nodded at her. "In my dream, you just described," he stopped, trying to remember again, "I can see you getting out of the car. I was right here," he said, pointing to the porch there. I walked over to you. You had on a black jacket. I can see it."
"I did," Lisa's eyes were widening. "Gosh, it's been a long time, but I remember it was another cold morning, like this. I was in such a rush, I didn't grab a coat, but I had a black leather jacket in the back that I kept there. I put it on when I stopped for gas, so yes, that's exactly what I had on. Jack, do you realize-"
Before she could finish, he met her gaze and smiled, a smile she hadn't seen in a very, very long time, one that was as big of a smile as Jack maybe had ever had.
"I remembered. It's still just a very small blip, but I remembered something about you, Lise."