The Cullen family had not been together when the news reports started coming in but it was not long at all before it caught everyone's attention.
Tragedy Struck today in a small town high school in Forks Washington. The death toll has risen to 57 with some students still unaccounted for. Reports ranging from trained wolves, gang violence even some claiming red eyed vampires. Police suspect a gang drug interaction gone bad. Many of the dead were among those missing and thought to be dead after a string of violent deaths raged through Seattle. The school was left in flames.
Every Cullen recognised many names among the listed dead.
Brandon Molina, Jessica Stanley, Mike Newton, Sam Uley, Angela Weber, Lauren Mallory, Charlie Swan,…
Alice immediately sought out Bella's future. This wasn't just about Edward anymore. She saw nothing. She started up a conference call with her family adding in: Carlisle(hospital, saw the news on a tv in the waiting room), Esme(home in the garden, tv off), Emmett and Rosalie (together down south shopping, saw the news in a storefront), Jasper (beside her, hotel lobby television), and finally Edward, though it took a little longer to get in touch with him(in flight to São Paulo Brazil, no tv access, cell phone off).
They waited on an open call for almost half an hour until Edward's plane was over 10,000 feet and emergency call through the airline got him to make contact. Carlisle took advantage of the idle time to tell his supervisor there had been a family emergency and to return to Esme.
"Has everyone seen the news reports coming in from Forks?" asked Alice. Most everyone had.
Edward had heard nothing.
Esme hadn't heard the news report but when Carlisle showed up and everyone was still and silent on a call waiting for Alice to link Edward in, Esme knew it was serious.
Alice summarised the report, "57 dead reported so far. It sounds like a major battle between vampires and the Quileutes wolves occurred inside the high school. Edward, Bella wasn't on the casualty list but her father was, as were most of her friends. The phone lines into town are overwhelmed. I haven't been able to get in touch with Bella. I can't find her future. Reports are still listing several students as unaccounted for but there is no list of who is unaccounted for."
"Forks is one of our known territories," spoke Jasper. "With an occurrence this large the Volturi will come. We need intelligence. We need to know what happened."
Alice fell silent and still, staring into space as she shifted through possibilities. "I am trying to assemble a patchwork of the immediate future from people we know from there. Students, firemen, the police, teachers, anyone that might have been at the school I can't get any clear visions from the school area. Something is interfering."
"So something might be interfering with your ability to see Bella?" asked Edward. His connection was horrible, his voice echoed in a hollow metallic way and crackled with static.
"I hope so," agreed Alice.
Jasper in a tone of voice he rarely used with his family, laid out exactly what would happen next. "I'm heading to Forks for reconnaissance. Just me. Our scent can't be fresh there when the Volturi arrive but they will understand and expect a scouting mission. Everyone needs to get back to Ithaca and be prepared for anything. Edward, if Bella is in Forks, I'll provide extraction. I'll be in touch as soon as I have intel. Alice, keep an eye on me. Call if your visions of me start disappearing. The secure phones from now on."
"There may be a vampire with some kind of shield ability active in the area affecting Alice's futures," theorised Carlise.
"Let's not jump to conclusions," replied Jasper.
"Let's not rule out possibilities either," Carlisle answered.
Alice ended the call.
Carlisle and Esme dug out the emergency kits: backpacks with survival gear, burner phones, prepaid visa cards, cash, alternate identities, laptops, makeup, Carlisle's enhanced medical kit.
Esme got out an eighth backpack, attaching it to her own, her eyes daring Carlisle to challenge her on it.
He just nodded and asked if she'd gone with MRE's or dehydrated food and if she'd gotten anything to treat water.
"MRE's. If we can boil water we can hunt for her so dehydrated food would take up unnecessary space," Esme lifted the side flap to show Carlisle a top of the line survival water filter.
"How long have you had that?" asked Carlisle.
"Since Arizona. Jasper got her emergency papers. The sleeping bag is only rated for three season use."
Jasper completed his scouting mission before much of his scattered family was able to disembark airplanes and return to the family house. Edward, who'd had to wait out the remains of one flight before jumping on another flight to return home, was the last to arrive.
Jasper touched base with Alice but waited for the rest of the family to gather before explaining his findings.
Edward, whose eyes were dark as pitch, looked brittle, a few steps from shattering when he realised Bella was not with Jasper. His eyes darted from corner to corner as if to be sure Bella wasn't just out of sight.
Jasper reached out with the strongest waves of calm and patience he could muster.
Esme and Carlisle sat him down sandwiched between them before Jasper started speaking.
"I know much of what happened. Bella was no longer in Forks when I got there but she left a detailed account for Alice in our family house which I read with Alice's permission. The briefest account is that Victoria made an army of newborns which attacked the school with Bella and anyone close to her as the focus of the attack however the Quileutes were on guard having detected recent hostile vampire activity and they mitigated the losses."
"A death toll of 57 people is mitigated losses?" asked Emmet incredulously.
"Other than those closest to Bella, most of the dead were combatants which is to say either newborn vampires or wolves or would be combatants. Seventeen vampires, six wolves. The police force lost both of its dispatched officers, five teachers that tried to intercede to protect students and twenty five students. The plan was to level the entire school. I counted 24 different vampiric scent trails most but not all were killed. Six wolves died. The newborns meant to slaughter the whole school. It was a decisive victory for the wolves but as I understand it their pack consisted of ten wolves so more than half their pack is gone. There were prior deaths in and around La Push from vampire attacks that have not yet been linked to the school incident."
"How many deaths in total?" demanded Carlisle.
"The deaths from Seattle should be included but not counted twice. The newborns were made there and fed there. Half a dozen more from down in La Push all of which were women and children and five hikers from the surrounding area," explained Jasper. "So sixty eight in Forks at least as many more in Seattle."
"This started before we left then," observed Carlisle. "The Volturi in the past have been very thorough when they feel called to clean house and they will come if they are not there already. We may be called to account for ourselves. Also, Edward though I know you don't want to hear this, if Bella survived at this point being turned is likely the only path that won't lead to her death."
"Why," whispered Edward. It was unclear whether this was a specific question or vague plea of God or fate.
"Aro will find out she was the focus of the attack. Not only Victoria's newborns will pursue her son," replied Carlisle as gently as he could.
Since they'd left Forks, Edward had hunted Victoria. He was no tracker and she was a master of evasion. Edward had thought Victoria an unlikely threat but chasing her was at least a distraction from how empty his life felt if he couldn't be with Bella.
"Read the journal for us, Jasper," Alice wearily encouraged. "I know a little about what's in it. We need to hear this."
"It's a rambling mess," warned Jasper. "I found it hidden in your closet back in the house. She'd left it marked with a palm print of her own blood to be certain it would be found."
"We need to hear it," repeated Alice.
Dearest Alice,
This journal is shared with you in confidence. I know Edward is a gentleman and will not invade your privacy by reading something addressed to you but I also understand that it is unavoidable that he will get traces of the contents of this journal whether you share the bulk of it with him or not. This is not information I would burden Edward with as I do not know his heart. He has clearly spoken that I am a hardship to him and that he wished to erase me from memory and thought but his every action before those last moments in the woods contradicted the few moments of his final words with me. I honestly do not know what to think.
You are still my best friend whether you can be here with me or not. I know you will choose which information is best to share and which is best to let quietly fade. If he hates me, it may be better that you read no further. Curiosity is a powerful drug. I know if you find this you will read this either way Alice. To be fair, so would I.
The night the Cullen family left town, Edward left me in the forest not far from home having told me I was not good for him so he was leaving tired of pretending to be something he was not but saying what he wanted to say, he left before I could ask or say anything. He moves much faster than me but I tried to pursue him and called for him. I'm sure he was far from me in mere moments. I quickly found myself quite lost. It was dark, cold, and I was heartbroken. Stumbling blindly through the forest for several hours I eventually tripped over my own feet and lay where I fell not really caring what happened to me. It felt like something inside me essential to life had been ripped out and I was empty. I can vaguely remember wrapping my arms about myself trying to hold back the bleed of some ethereal part of myself, a habit I would persist in for months. Eventually a search party was sent into the woods, someone found me and carried me home or so I'm told. I have little memory of that part aside from the vague impression of someone carrying me back through the rain home.
The whole woods episode, I'm not sure what to think of it. Certainly I behaved stupidly. It was after dark, already cold, misting with the beginnings of a full rain shower when we first left the house. It was reckless to try to run after him but I honestly didn't think he would just leave without at least some further explanation of what I had done wrong. I am bone weary of being rescued but the woods was rescue number one in this story. Without rescue, I would have died of exposure. I was already hypothermic and senseless when I was found. The inconvenience to all those people involved in the search party, it still embarrasses me. Charlie blamed Edward for the woods and Charlie wasn't the only one with that opinion so I suppose my stupidity has not done well for Edward's reputation in Forks. I'm sorry.
"Edward?" asked Rosalie. "Did you completely forget she was human?"
"I forged a note for her dad that we'd gone for a walk in the woods," protested Edward.
"That sounds like you knew she was lost and would need to be found," spoke Carlisle, sounding disappointed.
"She called you a gentleman but I think you rather treated her like a cad," Esme scolded softly.
Edward just folded into himself a little.
Alice prompted Jasper to keep reading.
Something was very wrong with me. The sensation of having a hole at the centre of my being remains still, though I suppose in some ways I am at least a little better now. At first I slept little and even when I did sleep I was plagued with nightmares that would leave me screaming. I had no appetite and lost weight rapidly. I had no interest in anything and completely disengaged from life, friendships, school. My father threatened to have me committed. My mother flew in and announced that she was taking me back home and that was that. Her threat reached me when nothing else had. I had to stay in Forks because that was my only connection to Edward. I flew into a rage and well, I suppose I pitched enough of a fit that they decided that maybe moving wasn't the best of ideas after all.
Something in me re-awoke at that time. If I wanted Edward I had to stay in Forks. To stay in Forks I had to mimic sanity. So every house chore was completed. My grades sky rocketed into perfection. I ate the food even if my errant stomach refused to keep it. I replied when spoken to. I couldn't actually force myself to sleep deep and dreamless. The pit of emptiness was still there. I didn't fool my father. I still had no friends and obviously took no enjoyment in life.
I recognize that my behaviour was not sane. I have wondered if Edward had seen this potential in me in some way I couldn't have predicted it in myself.
My father demanded that I reconnect with my old friends. I had burned most of those bridges by now but I had to mimic sanity so I did reconnect with a few. A trip to Port Angeles resulted in my first hallucination. I saw some rough looking fellows who reminded me of another night when Edward was there. I approached them and the almost ghost of Edward appeared to me, warning me against recklessness. Pursuing recklessness brought his ghost so I went looking for danger and when I was at risk I would see him.
I acquired some old broken down motorcycles and an old friend of the family started helping me fix them up. That same family friend, something about him dulled that feeling of being empty. I used to call him my personal sun. Something about him was like a bandaid over whatever it was about me that was broken. It couldn't fix what was broken but it eased the symptoms. That was Jacob.
We were never dishonest about it. He was in love with me, truly madly deeply in love with me but I was quite clear that my heart was already lost to someone else so he offered me friendship instead with all the stubbornness in his person. He wouldn't force me to love him but he had no problem forcing friendship on me. He knew he was a life line and promised that as long as he needed me he would be there.
Some of that was male bravado against someone he felt to be a lesser man than himself but as much as he hated Edward he rarely spoke against him because it was obvious that I would take any attack on Edward as an attack on me. He was never an Edward fan but who can reasonably be expected to like the guy that has what you want and seems to not value it.
My life was in a stable awkward kind of balance then Jake got sick and was forced to break contact with me for a long while.
I spiralled and started doing dangerous things again.
The next disastrous walk in the woods shouldn't have been terribly dangerous. It was daylight. I had a compass and a map and Jacob had been teaching me wayfinding. It was a little ill advised to go off the beaten path without company or without really telling anyone where I was going but Jacob kind of knew the area I was likely to be in even if we'd not spoken for a long while. He was sick and out of contact and I didn't want to wait.
No, I'm sorry I am being too generous with myself. I shouldn't have been in the woods alone and unarmed. There had been reports of dangerous animal attacks but I promise that at that time I wasn't intentionally being reckless. I was just kind of looking for Edward which was another sort of madness but not the reckless kind. I wasn't connected enough with the world to recall the animal attacks sort of near but also kind of far away that might have been a threat.
Laurent found me in Edward's sunshine meadow. He hadn't been looking for me. He had been scouting the area. He explained that since he had found me he would kill me for Victoria but also as an act of mercy to me. Vampire vegetarianism hadn't worked out for him so he'd gone back to Victoria. He explained that James had been Victoria's mate. Victoria wanted revenge no matter the cost and it was sure to be a long drawn out affair involving as much torture as she could imagine, all documented for Edward's benefit. He would spare me the extravagance of her extended death plans.
Obviously I'm not exactly a threat to Victoria so I was confused as to what I had to do with anything. A mate for a mate he said. At first I explained that Edward didn't love me and that he'd left but he just smirked as if I'd said something amusing. I was pretty sure I was going to die. Being at risk as I was, Edward's ghost, clearer than he had ever been before, offered guidance in what to do; to stall, to buy time, keep him talking, lie, anything that might make Laurent pause or reconsider. Just as Laurent pounced, wolves the size of horses rescued me.
Apparently this mate thing was a big deal. Apparently the dangerous animals in the woods were either monstrously large wolves or vampires. I stayed out of the woods after that.
I am not now nor have I ever been suicidal. Whatever this thing was that had happened to me, the hole in my spirit, the depression, the risk taking, the hallucinations, it had to stop. I had to do everything in my power to make it stop and take control of my life somehow.
Victoria was a threat, the likes of which I had no idea how to deal with. James had taught me that not only was I at risk but likely anyone close to me was also at risk. As I walked home I'll admit I gave serious consideration to letting my dad institutionalise me. He no longer thought it was necessary. He thought Jacob had made things better and kept pressuring me to reconnect with Jacob when he saw me spiralling after Jacob fell sick.
I had tried to reconnect with Jacob(Charlie never understood that). Jacob had adamantly cut all contact with me after getting sick. Jacob's father in particular was very determined I was to have no contact with his son. It made me wonder a little if what was wrong with me had contaminated Jacob or something.
As far as the concept of an institution? It would put me far away from my father and the people that cared for me and maybe it would draw Victoria away. Maybe she wouldn't be able to find me. Maybe what was wrong with me was something I could fix with psychiatry although I seriously doubted that. I know a little about mental health having done a fair bit of volunteer work back in Arizona. Mental health medication for symptoms as severe as I was displaying tends to cause some pretty dramatic unbalances before a correct helpful balance can be found and 'talking about it' therapy does nothing fast. If I went that route it might draw Victoria away but it would also in the short term, impair my ability to make future choices to keep myself and others safe.
Seth tells me that I need to stop blaming myself for Victoria doing horrible things. He says at the end of the day I'm just a girl who fell in love with a boy while monster did horrible things and everyone tried to make the best of it. Seth's so sweet. I hope he gets a chance to grow up.
The mate thing didn't really stand out to me much at the time but in retrospect, Laurent thought I was Edward's mate and if he was correct that might be something a little different than what my understanding of the word was. Mate as a human term is tied to procreation. But vampires reproduce individually through venom so the term mate likely had little to do with procreation. He also obviously didn't mean Edward was my best bud or anything so trivial. A mate to Victoria was something worth months of time planning how to best torture and kill for. James was Victoria's mate. I'm a puny human. Simply killing me should have been a relatively straightforward business. I was confused and terrified.
There are a lot of questions I never asked and have had to guess the answers to. I assume Alice that your gift is limited by distance because I know if you'd seen Laurent you would have acted whether Edward cared for me or not. I knew no one was coming because no one had come. No one knew to come. Even if for some strange reason you decided that like Edward you didn't like me anymore, I'm certain you would have come if you knew what was happening because you can't hide that the lot of you are essentially decent people no matter what else you are. A decent person doesn't walk away from that kind of mess if they are the only one able to fix it.
Carlisle didn't spend the last 300 years fixing people's boo boo's while denying his own nature to ignore someone with a grudge against his family hell bent on leaving a trail of blood and destruction right up to his doorstep.
Victoria might be after me but she was after me as a way to get to all of you. In any case these letters, this journal is a warning to prepare yourselves because it is very likely that in all this mess my trials are but an echo of those that will burden you soon.
'I hurts to see my name there and know that my decisions are a part of this," spoke Carlisle.
"I know what you mean," agreed Alice. "I didn't see any of this. I should have. I don't have to go looking for visions of catastrophe. They usually come like an unstoppable freight train the moment I casually think of someone. I have missed her. She's been in my thoughts. Edward asking me not to look into her future would work for ordinary things but not things like this and distance doesn't have anything to do with my gift."
"At least you're not having to listen to her theorising that you left because you thought she was dangerously unbalanced," offered Edward. "I'd have stayed if I thought it might hurt her this much if I left. I thought I was protecting her."
"Laurent thought she was your mate," Esme repeated. "She's talking about thinking she's crazy but we do tend to pair up a little bit more intensely than say humans usually do."
Jasper spoke quietly, "The feelings she's describing sound familiar don't they Edward; a hurt, an emptiness so deep it feels like madness."
Edward gave a stiff nod.
"That's why I agreed to share this with you," explained Alice. "She's not crazy though she'll waffle on about it for several pages more."
"Have you ever had hallucinations of her, Edward?" asked Carlisle warily.
Edward nodded. "She'd be there. I'd talk to her but she never answered. It only happened when I was alone."
Carlisle took a deep concerned breath. No one bothered to point out how determinedly Edward had sought solitude lately.
"Edward you don't need to answer this in words but were you and her ever intimate?" asked Carlisle.
Rosalie, who'd been in the other room pretending not to listen, spoke up. "Even Bella figured out it doesn't have to do with physical intimacy. Vampires don't make babies. They infect victims. It's a choice you make. It may even be a choice you have to make together. If I told you she didn't belong to you would you listen?"
"She's mine," snarled Edward.
"To have and to hold until death do you part," spoke Emmett who'd married Rosalie time and time again.
"Even then," admitted Edward, whose emotions were running high.
"What exactly do you mean by that?" asked Esme worriedly.
"Why would I continue without her?"
"But you're not even with her, you bloody idiot!" Rose retorted.
"Can we finish reading this blasted thing so I can go do something about that!" Edward roared in frustration.
When I got back to the house, Jake for the first time in weeks had been trying to get in touch with me. He was rather urgent about it. It was only much later that I came to understand how devoted he must have been to come to me that night. He'd promised me he would never abandon me like, sorry. He'd been forbidden from coming, from telling me anything but he came anyway. There was an intensity about him. He left me clues for truths he was physically incapacitated from speaking.
Jacob had come into an unwelcome inheritance. He was one of the wolves in the forest who'd saved me.
At first I thought maybe the forest deaths were wolf attacks. The truths he'd hinted at left me with so many questions. I went down to La Push for answers.
Once I'd guessed some of the truth, the wolf pack had no choice but to share more of its secrets with me to be sure I understood why those same secrets had to be kept.
I learned the forest deaths were not wolves but vampires. Laurent had not been the first. There was a redhead, Victoria of course but also others she had made.
I'll try not to burden you with unnecessary details but Jacob's tribe have this werewolf-like, protectors of the tribe thing that can happen to some of them. No one had changed in years and the Quileute people were happy not to be burdened by it. They soon learned the presence of vampires triggers the development of wolves; any vampires not just hostile ones. They celebrated when your family left but still more young people kept changing, kept losing the futures they'd hoped for. I don't know exactly why they managed to go fifty to sixty years with no vampires only to have so many descend on the area all at the same time.
I'm a little concerned that with so many vampires being nomadic the few that aren't, like your family, become focus points for vampiric activity.
The wolf thing is a burden that should not be forced on anyone. I'm sorry if it seems like I'm blaming your family but I'm not. I'm just trying to explain that it's all interconnected, good vampires, bad vampires, wolves, me. It's a thankful thing that the Quileute have wolves but none of those young boys had a choice and understanding the connections is the only hope for better choices for the future.
A wolf's thoughts are not their own because wolves share minds in fur form. Immediately after shifting their every private thought is property of every wolf. Seth is their youngest. He was changed at 14. A 14 year old shouldn't be sharing every mature thought that passes through the mind of the older wolves. A 14 year old shouldn't have to worry about accidentally injuring someone if taken by strong emotions. Of course no one wanted a 14 year old in the middle pitched battles. They've sheltered him as much as they could. He's sweet and kind but he's one of few wolves and he's needed. There has to be a better way to guard against some of these horrible burdens.
The wolves shifters take on many aspects of wolves including pack behaviours, a compulsion to obey the pack alpha and the laws... Those laws include secrecy from all but the tribal leaders and the pack; a necessity that often rips them from friends and family. As fellow supernaturals I assume you understand the need for secrecy and how isolating it can be.
I told them what I knew about Victoria and though I am not Quileute, the pack did its best to protect me although they did grumble about my association with you. They're trying to help. Survival necessitates working together with every tool we can find.
In the aftermath of what happened at the school and in the area leading up to the main attack, I wonder if it would have been better if James or Laurent had killed me. Would all those people still be alive? I know that is a foolish thought because ignorance is a harsh taskmaster that burdens every thinking being. I didn't know what could have or would have happened. You didn't know what was going to happen. The resultant bloodbath has happened. All anyone can do now is move forward.
Jasper paused his reading for a moment. "I wonder how old the oldest wolf was? There was a lot to unpack in that last bit if we end up having future dealings with the wolves again."
"The coming of the Volturi will force more of their young people to change," spoke Esme.
"The wolves stuck by her when I abandoned her," said Edward.
"We all abandoned her," corrected Alice. "We knew Victoria at least had the potential to be a threat. We should have at least left contact information."
"Edward insisted…" Rosalie started.
"No," interrupted Esme. "This is something everyone of us could have handled better. Edward can only be held responsible for his own choices. We all know how emotionally overwhelmed by all of this he's been. I don't know that he was capable of making wise choices anymore. Once she became a part of our secret we had a duty to make sure that secret wasn't a threat to her."
"The Volturi will insist that if she was going to know she had to be killed or changed," reminded Carlisle. "If we didn't love her there are drugs I could have used that would have taken away recent memories I suppose. The problem is we do love her so how was leaving a good choice?"
"Did anyone but Edward really think it would be for more than a short time though?" asked Alice. "We were going back as soon as he figured things out but everything went horribly wrong so fast."
"Did all of this happen because I lost control for…"
"No, Jasper No!" insisted Alice. "Nor did this happen because they fell in love."
"Bella said it best," interrupted Emmett. "All we can do now is move forward. I want my little sister back."
"I didn't wish this on her," spoke Rosalie, sounding bereft.
"Rose, all that has happened proves you were right to be angry with me for letting any of this happen," Edward admitted sorrowfully.
"I don't think you let anything happen Edward," Carlisle consoled. "I think you've fought this every step of the way. I think now it's time to start letting the things that need to happen, happen. You love her. Find her. Hold onto her. Accept the bond that your soul longs for. Protect her by being where you should have been all along."
"By her side," Rosalie finished.
"So, the wolves knew Victoria was coming and so did Bella. What's next then," prompted Emmett.
Part of why I've rambled so much about the wolves is that in many ways they are similar to vampires. They do not age as long as they keep shifting. They are strong and fast. They heal incredibly quickly. They also create strong bonds. The bond between pack is of course quite strong but they also do something they refer to as imprinting.
They describe it as falling in love at once and forever. It's creepy as the wolf doesn't have a choice about who they imprint on and an imprinted wolf is unlikely to live long if their imprint dies. I guess that means an immortal being becomes a mortal one once he falls in love.
There has only ever been one female wolf. She has not imprinted.
I don't know if imprinting is love exactly. How can something that sounds so forced be love? I'm told it feels like love. There is a strong intangible bond between the two individuals in question. Separation is difficult. Real physical and psychological changes occur between the two.
Paul seemed happier after he imprinted. He seemed calmer. The adult imprint pairs act like they love each other and are fulfilled by each other.
Quill imprinted on a baby which is apparently a thing. He'll apparently be the bestest big brother type guy she could ever wish for until she's older, then their relationship will likely change.
I don't think vampires do quite the same thing. I hope they don't. I hope my feelings are my own and any bond that happened we created. I don't like the alternative of this having been forced on me or on Edward if this is what I think it is. If Edward left not for the reasons he said: because I wasn't good enough for him and he was bored and looking for distractions or whatever, and this whole thing was forgettable and my puny human mind would forget it because my memories are sieve like? Yeah.. Edward spouted off a lot of hurtful verbal garbage when he left. He went from I love you to vitrole so quickly I think maybe he was doing what he made me do with my dad when we fled to Phoenix. Maybe he was just saying anything to get away because he thought it was the only way to protect me.
I'd choose him again. Even if all we could ever share was half a year I'd choose him every time despite the pain of missing him now, feeling broken and incomplete. I know I don't need to explain that one to you Alice. It was one choice in a web leading to this future. There are likely a million ways this future could have been avoided and who knows how many ways things could have gone worse but that one choice my heart insists there can be no do overs on. I will always love him even if he doesn't feel the same way. If he doesn't love me, then I wish him the best and I'm sorry for crazy ladying at you.
Seth is teasing me as I write this. He keeps singing the Pokemon song and cheering Pikachu I choose you!
I think Edward is in the south right now. I don't think I could find him using the pull inside me though, vaguely southish and far is not exactly specific.
I was making a point and I've forgotten what it was. I'm so very tired. I miss Charlie and Jacob and Angela and so many people. I need to stop crying just for a little while and sleep. I'll write more tomorrow.
Bella is falling apart as she's writing this. I want this to be readable but chaotic feeling. I would love a beta.