For about the fifth time that hour, Lucy glanced down at the blank screen of her phone, her mind whirling. She hit the power button on the remote with a sigh, watching the reality TV show she'd only half been listening to fade to nothing, tired of trying to fight it any longer. Her stubborn mind had refused to stop spinning, repeatedly returning to the same person over and over, making it hard to focus on anything but her own thoughts.
It had been almost six months to the day since Tim had left her tearful, confused, and utterly heartbroken in the LAPD parking lot, but a lot had changed since then. As the days had morphed into weeks which then turned into months, Lucy's hurt and anger surrounding the situation slowly but surely melted away, until she was left with a certain clarity she'd been lacking that night.
Tim had never meant to hurt her. In his own twisted view of reality while in the trenches of his self-loathing, he'd truly believed she'd be better off without someone like him, and that he didn't deserve someone like her. While she absolutely did not agree with his conclusion, she could understand where it came from. After all, she'd known from the start the baggage he carried from a childhood of abuse and emotional neglect from his father, and that it had never been properly unpacked. She'd always wanted to address it, but Tim had been quick to shut any discussion of that nature down. As she'd told Grey, the most emotion she'd ever seen from the man while they were dating was when the Dodgers had lost the playoffs.
But Tim had changed a lot since then, too. He was in therapy, deciding to continue with it even after everything that happened with Blair. Just the fact that he freely shared that information with her was an improvement, and he had yet to shy away from answering her when she asked how it was going.
And so far, he'd been keeping his promise he'd made in the elevator, too. He'd been keeping his distance, but she knew he was keeping tabs on her, finding small ways to help her without being overbearing.
One day, for example, after loudly complaining about the lack of functioning pens in her desk, Lucy had found a brand new pack waiting for her at the end of shift. Another time, after hearing from Celina that the elbow pipe under their sink kept leaking, and their landlord wasn't in a rush to do anything about it, Lucy found a bag of parts and tools sitting beneath her locker, along with step-by-step instructions on how to change the part out. There was also a handwritten note in his familiar scrawl that read, Call me if you need any help. They hadn't, but Lucy appreciated how he'd assumed their competency first, instead of just offering to fix it himself.
His latest deed had been picking up an extra shift for her without her even knowing, after learning through Aaron that he, Celina, and Lucy had already made plans to hang out that day. She hadn't even had a chance to thank him for it until today, when she'd caught him on his way out. He'd smiled and said not to worry about it, slowing to a stop beside her car, lingering for a moment longer than necessary. It seemed like he'd wanted to say more, but he didn't. Lucy knew he was leaving that decision up to her. If she was being honest with herself, she'd wanted to say more too. She finally felt ready to have a real, adult conversation with him about everything that had happened, and she had a feeling that this time, he would be much more open to it than he had been months ago. The problem was, she just didn't want to have that conversation in their work parking lot.
Before she could talk herself out of it any longer, she picked up the phone, quickly navigating to his contact. He picked up on the second ring.
"Lucy?"
"Yeah, hi, it's me."
"Hi. Is everything okay?" She heard a lot of noise on the other end of the phone, like he was in a bar or something.
"Yeah, everything's fine," she assured him, hearing a collective cheer go up in the background. It was then that it hit her; he must be watching the Lakers game– it would be on around now. Mentally kicking herself for not even realizing what night it was, she continued, "I was just calling to, I don't know, maybe have a chance to talk, but I don't want to interrupt your game." She twisted a lock of hair around her finger. "I can call back another time."
No sooner had the words left her mouth did all the background noise fade away. "No, no worries," Tim said quickly. "I can watch it another time."
Lucy frowned. "Isn't it the final playoff game?"
She heard a car door slam. "It doesn't matter. I'm all yours."
Her eyebrows rose at that. The old Tim Bradford wouldn't have let anything short of a magnitude 7.5 earthquake keep him from watching his game live.
"Okay, um, thanks." They sat in awkward silence for a moment, Lucy hating how much their dynamic had changed.
"Hows the sink?" he finally asked, saving them from the discomfort.
"It's great. Thanks again for the help. Our landlord was thrilled to cross that one off his to-do list, a week and a half after he put it on there."
"Lazy bastard," Tim muttered, and Lucy couldn't help but smile.
Tim's sigh gusted through the phone."I know I've lost the privilege to ask you this, but how have you been doing, really? I've tried asking Celina and even Nolan, but they haven't shared much. I'd ask Tamara, but..."
"You're afraid she'll bite your head off?"
"Yeah."
Lucy sighed. "You're probably not wrong." She laid back on her bed, staring up at her ceiling, contemplating how honest she was going to be with him. "I'm doing good, better than I was a few months ago." She blew out another breath. "I'm not really mad anymore, or sad, and I want you to know that while I don't agree with what you did, I understand where you were coming from, and I know you never meant to intentionally hurt me."
"I was stupid, Lucy, so stupid." Lucy could hear the self-loathing in his voice, the anger. She could picture him, sitting in his truck, shaking his head at himself, his mouth a hard line.
"You were in pain," she reminded him gently.
"Dr. London thought I broke things off with you as a subconscious way to punish myself, depriving myself of something that made me happy because I didn't think I deserved it anymore."
Lucy's heart panged at the way he said made me happy, as in past tense. Their relationship had made her happy too, happier than she'd been in a long time.
"Do you agree with her?"
"At first I didn't, but the more I thought about it... I think she was right."
"I think she was too."
"Lucy." Her name was almost a plea. "I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am, how many times I've wished I could go back to that moment–"
"I know Tim." She squeezed her eyes shut. "I believe you. But what's done is done; there's no point in re-hashing it. I was hoping we could talk more about what the future might look like for us moving forward." She bit her lip, her heart starting to race. "I know you've been letting me set the boundaries, but I kind of need to know where your head is at before I make any decisions."
"Shoot."
Her eyebrows rose in surprise once again. "Really, just like that?"
"Just like that."
"Okay." She gripped the phone tighter, running her other hand through her hair. Her voice coming out quieter than she'd intended, she asked a question she'd been trying hard not to think about for fear of his answer. "Do you still love me?"
His answer was immediate. "I never stopped."
Her eyes began to burn, her throat tightening even as relief coursed through her. "I never stopped loving you, either," she admitted, a hot tear escaping and rolling down her cheek.
"I wouldn't have blamed you if you did."
"Tim, cut it out," she snapped, suddenly irate. "If we're going to give this another shot, you need to forgive yourself too, and stop with the self-deprecating comments. Just because you made a mistake, it doesn't mean you aren't worthy of being loved."
He huffed a quiet laugh. "Yes ma'am. You sound like my therapist." After a pause, he asked, "Does this mean you've forgiven me for being an absolute idiot?"
Lucy took a moment to reflect, surprised by her answer. "Yeah. I do."
"Have I told you what a kind and amazing human you are?"
Smiling, Lucy said, "No, I think you're going to have to tell me again."
"I'll tell you a hundred times a day if that's what you want."
Taking a breath, Lucy admitted, "What I want Tim, no, what I need to know is that no matter how hard things get, no matter how much you think you need to protect me, you will never keep me out of the loop again, or go around making decisions about 'what's best' for my life without me. I'm a grown ass woman, I can, and will, make my own choices."
"I know you are." Lucy thought she could hear him smiling. "And while I can't promise you I'm never going to feel the need to protect you again, because I will always want to protect you, I do promise to talk to you about it first, so you can decide how much protection you need."
"Tim." He was saying all the right things, and she could tell he was being truthful, but she needed to get this off her chest. "You also can't walk away from me, ever again, unless you want us to be done done. Because I can't–"
"I know," he jumped in. "Trust me, I was foolish enough to let you go once. That's not a mistake I'm ever planning to make again– if you give me that chance, that is."
She breathed a sigh of relief, her heart feeling lighter than it had in half a year. "Good. You better not, or next time you're going to wake up and find yourself halfway to Mexico, floating in a shipping container in the middle of the Pacific. I have the connections, you know."
This time she knew he heard him smile. "That sounds oddly specific, almost like you've thought about it before."
"Only every other Thursday."
He laughed. "God I've missed you."
His smile was infectious. "I've missed you too."
"So how does this work exactly, moving forward?" he asked.
"I think it's going to work by taking baby steps. Start with a few dates here and there, and then see how we feel."
"Is tonight too soon for a date?"
She huffed a laugh, checking the time. 10:21. "Maybe."
"Okay, well first thing tomorrow then. Meet at Kojo's favorite trail?"
"Yeah." Lucy smiled. "That sounds like a plan."
"Guess I better let you get some sleep then, cause we're meeting at the crack of dawn."
Lucy groaned. "Can't it be at like 9, or something? It's the weekend."
"Lucy, I don't think you understand how hard it's been for me to keep my distance from you. Now that you're letting me get a little closer, I'm not about to waste another second of my life not proving to you that you can trust me, and that I want this, I want us, and I'm willing to put in the work to make it happen."
She clutched the phone a little a tighter, her eyes burning again. "This conversation was a really good start, Tim. Dawn tomorrow it is."
"Good. Good night, Lucy. Kojo and I will see you in 8 hours."
Reluctant to hang up the phone, Lucy paused a moment before echoing, "good night, Tim."
After a few more seconds, she ended the call, already up and moving to get ready for bed. And for the first time in 6 months, she didn't dread the lonely night ahead of her, knowing that when she woke up in the morning, everything was finally going to be right again in her life, and that was a morning she was excited to see.