What is love
Love is pain
Love is butterflies and stomach aches
Love is looking out a windowpane
Tears dripping looking like you're in the rain
For someone you don't even know but for
Somebody you may never see again
Mind spinning, a kaleidoscope of hurt and uncertainty, everything felt strangely disconnected. I followed Edward around mechanically, willing myself to focus on each item and fact he brought to my attention.
He showed me his room, and I tried to muster the appropriate amount of interest with the endlessly stacked rows of music. He gave me more details of Carlisle's life when we came to a medieval cross at the end of the hallway, including the story of what led to Carlisle's life of abstinence from human blood.
Finding Esme in the kitchen was the most pleasant part. We found her puttering through the kitchen, wiping down the already-spotless counters. Her presence was warm in the way that Carlisle's was bright, like it was built into them and radiated from them in waves.
It was difficult to remain so staid when her uplifting spirit seemed to envelop me, comforting and welcoming like a mother's hug. Of course, this made me think of my own mother and that I could remember nothing of her, promptly turned my mood solemn once more.
We talked about myself, and her teasing admonishment of Edward's modesty brought a twinge of a smile to my lips, I couldn't shake the gnawing feeling in my gut that I had somehow been left dispirited by my had-been lover.
I was allowed to be genuinely disinterested when he showed me their garage, which was more like a basement parking lot than a traditional garage. I had minimal to no excitement when it came to cars, warranting an aghast expression from Edward when he learned my vehicle choice was more from necessity of speed than genuine enjoyment of the hobby.
I was, however, authentically surprised to see Rosalie under a bright red Ferrari as opposed to Emmett, as I had imagined, who was using his gigantic arm as a car jack.
Finally we departed just before the sun began to rise. Momentarily I had lost track of time, so I was wondering what to wear for school when Edward's voice brought me back to reality.
"Do you have any plans for your Saturday?"
I puzzled over that for the briefest moment before remembering I had essentially dedicated four days to ignoring him and the fifth out of school courtesy of sunshine.
"Not really. I honestly had forgotten that it was the weekend. Now I feel bad for making fun of you before." I gave him a wan smile, still buried in my woes.
He reached for my hand as we crossed the boundary of trees that marked my yard, tugging me to a stop in the shade of an aspen pine. "What's wrong, Elle."
"Nothing. I'm fine." My response was automatic, reflexive.
He raised a brow antagonistically, his teeth clicking together in exasperation. "Please, don't insult my intelligence. You've been morose ever since we left Carlisle's study."
I bowed my head, trying to swallow the anxiety skittering up my belly and into my chest. My feet shuffled the snow around as I pulled my hand from his, my voice coming out sounding rougher than I meant.
"You wouldn't understand. From what I've heard, you and your Bella truly loved each other. I loved someone too, but apparently they didn't love me."
The words bit and stung like angry insects, making my throat burn in a way that had nothing to do with thirst.
Edward reached for me again, only resting his hand on my arm this time. His voice was gentle now, trying to soothe.
"That's only one theory. It could be just as true that someone you loved had died, or you saw something terrible. Even if that were true.. that was a century ago, Elle. They're dead, and they can't hurt you anymore."
I tried to hear the truth in his words, and I knew that he was making perfect sense. My brain, however, was still stubbornly stuck on this worst-case scenario like they were standing right in front of me. I could feel the phantom tears stabbing behind my eyes.
"I know. It's just been a lot to process, even for a vampire."
I tried to comfort myself by telling myself that it did not necessarily have to be that I was abused; there were, after all, plenty of ways to mangle a human without causing bodily harm.
I shook my head then coughed, trying to clear my depressing mood. "Anyways. You asked about today. Did you have something in mind?"
He gauged my shift in mood for a moment, likely trying to discern if I was putting on a brave face or if I was really willing to let the topic go.
"Would you.." He paused, looking unsure. "Like to spend it with me?"
I blinked, unsure why the question took me off guard. I realized that being around him was as effortless as running and breathing, done without conscious thought. So of course I would spend the day with him - I could think of nothing I would enjoy more.
Finally I flashed him a genuine smile, nodding. "I would love that."
In return he gave me a crooked smile that made my heart swoon, all desolation forgotten.
Edward left me under the pine's shade, promising to return in an hour so that I could shower and change. He kissed my knuckles as he departed, and I'm sure he meant it as a gentlemanly gesture but the rabid butterflies were loose in my abdomen again.
As bidden, I rinsed the night off under scalding water, enjoying the way the sensation and temperature of the cascade made my rock-hard skin feel.
I stepped out into a cloud of mist, laughing as it swirled in intricate designs as it met the frigid breeze blowing in from the open French doors in the bedroom.
Wrapped in a towel, I finger combed my hair as I blowed it dry, and was glad that for once the inner darkness seemed unable to emerge in the sheer lightness of my mood.
Without knowing where we were going or what we were doing, I tried to dress more human than I would have for purely vampire-related activities.
The top was one of my favorites, an icy-blue cable knit sweater with tapered balloon sleeves. Not wanting to fuss too much, I paired it with stone-washed jeans and black mid-calf dressy biker boots.
I was just swiping mascara on my lashes when I heard him return. He didn't come in, choosing to wait for me outside, and I was infinitely grateful to have a chance to cool my suddenly-boiling emotions before I saw him. The unadulterated infatuation bubbling in me would be very awkward to explain.
Feeling appropriately chaste, I went out to meet him. There was only a second where I caught sight of that grin again, alighting immodest thoughts, before he took off.
I shot after him like a bullet from a gun, and caught him after only three quarters of a mile. I remembered that he had paced me easily the night he had chased me and had a sneaking suspicion he was letting me catch him now.
"So where are we going?" I asked him. The day was overcast in earnest now, so the world was our oyster, so to speak.
"I was thinking we could start by hunting?" I had hunted not that long ago, but doing anything with Edward sounded extremely appealing.
I hurdled a felled tree before I nodded. "Sounds like fun. It's only ever really been me, so I'm curious to see someone else hunt for once."
We veered more north to go deeper into the national forest, scenting as we went. A herd of mule deer were our first victims. I was satiated after my first, but Edward requested more, so we went deeper still.
What started as hunting quickly devolved into sophomoric competition when the elk I pinned was bigger than Edward's. I felt I was the resounding winner when I startled a hibernating grizzly.
She roared her displeasure at me before swiping at me with a giant paw, then tried to bull-rush me. I let out a quick, ringing giggle as I crouched and made to meet her assault; Edward took up a post near the craggy wall we were near and observed with an odd expression.
I did not feed on the aggravated bear, but I did spar and wrestle with her for several more minutes before I let her amble away, me hissing as she went.
I noticed Edward still watching me with the same peculiar expression after I straightened from my crouch. I asked with a cocked brow, wondering silently what the look was for.
He shook his head in response, half grimacing and half grinning. "I would have never guessed you and Emmett would be so similar. He loves fighting bears, too. Watching you was giving me fits then entire time. It goes against my philosophy to let strange women wrestle an angry grizzly."
I stuck my tongue out at him, secretly pleased I had something in common with his brother.
"I am not strange, don't be rude. Bear Fight Club was how I learned to fight."
He smirked, leaning against the rock shelf. "Don't you know the first rule of Fight Club is you don't talk about Fight Club?" I rolled my eyes but he ignored me, continuing, "What in the world would you need to learn to fight for?"
My turn to grimace, now. "Come on. You're bare minimum 100 years old, you have to know not all vampires sparkle in the sunshine. Let's just say when forced too choose between fight or flight, I chose fight."
He gave me a look that said I was being evasive, and I held my hands up. "I'm not trying to be secretive, it was just an exceptionally dark time in my immortal life. I didn't fight everyone, just the ones that fought me."
Waiting to bring some brevity back, I tried to cajole him into fighting me, but only succeeded in making his mood sour.
"I couldn't fathom looking at you like a target, Elle.. like something to kill. Please drop it." I did, but I rolled my eyes again at his stubborn reticence.
Our competition concluded, I tried to placate him by asking what he wanted to do next. It seemed to dampen his irritation slightly, but he still looked like a storm cloud hovered over him.
"I've had my pick. What do you want to do?"
I thought about it for a minute, then shot him a diabolical grin. "Race me?"
His face was smug as he threw his arms out behind him, pretending to stretch like he were a professional athlete. "I didn't realize you liked losing."
That made me growl, determined now to kick his ass. We lined up against the rock like Olympic sprinters, and I shot him a dark look. "You're going down."
He threw back his head and laughed. "Oh no, Elle. I always win." His laughter had caught me off balance so I was still staring dumbly as he took off. Cursing under my breath, I flew after him, yelling, "Cheater!"