authorsnotes: here we go, the start will be slow and mostly canon compliant but TRUST it will pop off soon, and it's gunna be wild

do enjoy, do review if you can (also I'm on my reread of acomaf now and ahhh soothing)

songrecs: clara bow - taylor swift (told y'all im only reccing ttpd for the next year)

'But I gave myself again to that fire, threw myself into it, into him and let myself burn'

- Feyre, the Cursebreaker

-x-

Feyre had thought she had known what she would feel when Tamlin arrived; relief, happiness, not to see him but for the first step into going, a sense of return.

She did feel all of that, but she also felt terror take over her as he crashed through the door, in the beast form she'd almost forgotten after not having seen it for so long, her human body reacted in line with the fear she instinctively felt and she scuttled backwards.

She was Fae no longer, she was infinitely more breakable, and with no power at her fingertips.

How she missed it, not just her fae body, more lithe, more powerful, stronger, more appreciated. She remembered Rhys hands running over it, the body that had become hers, that felt like it always should have been, remembered him appreciating it, appreciating her.

'You drive me mad' He'd growl it in her ear, palm her breast, nip at it then, give her a soft slow kiss before gripping her hips hard enough to bruise.

How she missed that, and him, more than anything.

But she also missed her powers, gifted to her, unknowingly but by the High Lords. Water dancing at her fingertips, flames licking down her arms, gifts from each Court, and her daemati powers more than anything, the gift form Rhys himself, the one she most cherished.

But now, now she had none of those powers, nothing but her fragile human body, her Father terrified by the fire, her sisters clutching each other and running behind her, she tried not to resent them for it, for she the younger sister thrust forward to protect them yet again, tried and failed.

This time was different, this time she knew what would happen, even as she trembled with fear, shakingly raised the knife she'd held in hand, had been eating dinner with, knew it would be useless, but she had to play the part didn't she?

She had to get back home, back to Prythian, to return to her mate, return to her home, where she belonged, she didn't know any other way to do that than to go with Tamlin and let things at least to some extent play out as before.

With some changes.

But now she stood opposite him, the High Lord of the Spring Court, oh how she had once loved him, as much as she could have with the way he'd failed her, but it paled, any feeling she'd had for Tamlin paled in comparison to what she had with Rhys.

'You are my truest love' She had whispered to him, lingering a kiss to his brow as he pulled her close, and they shared kisses, words, love. True love.

But now she had to go with Tamlin, even as she held the knife up, she knew she wouldn't use it, knew she wouldn't even try.

She was going home.

"Murderers!" He roared, and she flinched, flinched and stumbled back again, into her sisters who clung to her now, but she shrugged them off, they needed her, resentment or not she'd never ever see them hurt. And so she held her knife up, her hand was steady.

"Murderers!" All part of the game, and yet she felt that flinch of guilt, Andreas may have volunteered but he'd been fae, living, breathing fae, and she'd killed him.

Killed him twice and not hesitated the second time. She couldn't have, but it gave her a moment of pause, another sin she'd not be able to wash away.

But she knew she'd kill again and again, bare the sins and weep, if it meant returning to Rhys.

The mating bond was not in place but there was something, something buried deep in her she could feel, an ache to it, and she held onto that as Tamlin stepped into the house, and Feyre held the knife up.

"Murderers!" Tamlin roared again in fury, and she couldn't help but flinch again.

"Please, pl…please, whatever we did was done unknowingly, please" Her Father stumbled, as she'd shook her sisters off they'd ran to him, instinctually, just behind her, he crouched in front of them, broken and battered as he was he did, but not for her, never her.

It didn't matter, she bit back any pain, what mattered was keeping them safe. Keeping herself alive, returning home. The pain of her human life would be dealt with, remembered and kissed away by Rhys when she returned to him.

"We-we didn't kill anyone" Nesta managed, wailing, clutching Elain, and at least Feyre knew when she left, with Tamlin restoring their fortunes, Nesta would ensure Elain was well, they would all look after each other with her gone.

And perhaps this time she could leave them be, not drag them into the world they'd hated.

"Get out" She snapped, hand steady as she slashed the knife, Tamlins growl was odd to her, he didn't know her now, that was clear, and that was something that she had to think about quickly.

Tamlin didn't know her, it was clear in his gaze, clear as he bellowed again, he didn't know her, her sisters hadn't known of a different future either, she was the only one who remembered.

Would it be her alone?

Fear tightened in her throat which she forced herself to ignore, she had other things to focus on now, other areas to better panic, she had to get this right.

"Get out and be gone" She hissed, an old anger at Tamlin rising up in her, it was easy to be hostile now, as she should be, even as fear flickered in her gaze, and anger in Tamlins.

"Who killed him?!" Tamlin bellowed and Feyre felt that stab of guilt again, she had after all, and she knew Tamlin grieved, even if it had been necessary, for more than one reason, it had still felt wrong.

"Killed who?" She asked calmly, as calmly as she could, keeping herself between Tamlin and her Father, sisters, she knew not to go for her bow and quiver, the ash arrow, she'd never use it now.

Tamlin growled across at her, and that truly made her flinch, fear real now, it reminded her, reminded her of the dark times after being Under the Mountain.

'Tamlin please' She begged, howled, screamed, hands banging into the wood of the door, as the air suffocated her, surrounded and threatened to bury her, trapped, trapped by the man who was supposed to love her, 'Please' She screamed, throat raw.

Her hand shook this time, Tamlin noticed she could see as he shifted a little back.

"The wolf" He growled still, low and vicious, still she could hear the sorrow in his voice.

Elain wailed, a high pitched shriek, and Feyre resisted the urge to quiet her, she didn't know what she did, she remembered being terrified the first time Tamlin had come too. "What wolf?" She shrieked, poor sweet Elain, at least she'd be restored when Feyre left.

"A large wolf with a grey coat" Tamlin growled, and Feyre knew the time had come, time to play the game.

"If it was mistakenly killed" Feyre said the words delicately, ignored her Fathers gasp, Elains wail, silent Nesta holding her sister together, "What payment could I offer in exchange?"

I this time, not we.

Tamlin laughed but she knew it was lined with bitterness, "The payment you must offer is the one demanded by the Treaty between our realms"

A lie now Feyre knew, but one that suited her purposes, one she needed to believe.

She'd be doing a lot of acting over the next weeks, a lot of lies.

She was glad, unlike the myth she'd once believed Fae couldn't sniff them out.

"For a wolf?" All part of the lies.

"Who killed the wolf?" Tamlin demanded, but his gaze met hers and she knew, they both did, it was clear on her face.

"I did" The die was cast.

"Surely you lie to save them?" He offered, she was the youngest after all, and yet she stood with the knife, and cut Elain off before she could deny it, before she could throw Feyre to the wolves, or this creature, even Nesta shushed her, as Feyre held Tamlins gaze.

"I did" Her Father offered, quickly, "I- It broke Feyres heart, her Father did love them, she knew that, she knew he did, as far as he'd fallen, but it was nice to be reminded, even if in the end it wouldn't matter; would it?

"Stop" Feyre interrupted, "I killed it" She repeated, clearly, honestly, "I sold the pelt at the market today, if I'd known it was a fairie I wouldn't have touched it"

"Liar" Tamlin insisted, he was right. "You knew, you would have been more tempted to slaughter it knowing it was one of our kind!"

That broke her heart; our kind, not one of her kind, not yet, not ever if she didn't go with him.

How she wished more than anything if the Mother had sent her back, as she'd hoped, begged, she wasn't sure, just to save Rhys, she wished she was still fae.

In time, she reminded herself, even as it ached, her broken heart in her chest, so far from Rhys, so alone.

Something shivered up her spine then, like a caress, and she felt a flicker of hope, could Rhys feel her? Even without the mating bond in place? Even if he couldn't remember her? Could he feel her? She tried to push something, anything down the connection between them, tentative as it was, hard as it was to grip, and hoped, prayed, begged the Mother for the mercy it worked.

Not alone.

"Regardless" She continued, back to Tamlin, his sorrowful gaze, she would not talk poorly of the fae now, ideally she wouldn't kill anymore.

Ideally, not realistically.

"I killed him" She repeated again, her Father had stood, hobbled up but she stepped in front of him again, this was her fight.

"What is the payment?" Feyre asked then, steady, knife up again, any trembling gone, it was time to play.

"A life for a life" Tamlin said harshly, but of course Feyre knew it was lies, knew he could lie, and yet she forced herself to look solemn.

It occurred to her there was no one, absolutely no one, except Rhys who could know what had happened to her, where she had gone, what the Mother had done, no one but her mate.

She didn't want to think of how that information could be used, what it could do, none could find out, and she shuddered at the thought.

Tamlin seemed to take that as her fear, as she then shook her head, time to act, "I didn't know about that part of the Treaty"

"You all forget" He sneered, and she resisted the urge to hiss back at him, this was odd, this was Tamlin, awful as he'd been in the end she knew now he'd never just slaughter humans, he didn't have that in him, this was all a lie.

One she had to go with.

"It makes it more fun to slaughter you" He hissed, and she stepped back.

"Fine" She said then, twisting her hands together, she placed the knife down on the table, hesitated, handed it to her Father who flinched, at least they all played their parts, not knowing this was all a lie. "Just outside please" She asked, imagined it, like she had back then, of this being the moment she died.

But no, it wasn't, it wouldn't be. She'd come back to prevent death.

"You dare request where?" He hissed, "Arrogant humans" And again she had to resist the urge to roll her eyes, the fear giving way to annoyance, they both knew he wouldn't harm her, couldn't dare if he hoped to break the curse.

Only he didn't know she knew of course.

"Just do it quickly" She bit out, and he laughed like a bark again.

"The insolence" He said, "Willing to accept your fate so easily?" He shook his head, stepped back, and then it came, "But for daring to ask I'll let you in on a secret human, Prythian must claim your life in some way, for the life you took from it" Here it came, "So as a representative of the immortal realm I can either gut you … or you can cross the wall and live out the remainder of your days in Prythian"

There it was, she had to bow her head, lest a smile come over her face. She was going home.

Home, to Rhys, something in her singed, the bond? Her heart repairing? She wasn't sure, but it was there, and she hoped more than anything, Rhys felt it, a swell of hope, for her, for them.

"When do we go?" She asked.

"Now"

Music to her ears.

Especially as only minutes later she'd said her goodbyes, offering advice to her family they'd have no need for, and yet even as she knew they'd be okay, knew she might see them again, this time she lingered, this time she didn't let her sisters remain silent.

She pulled Elains chin up, placed a kiss to her cheek, and was rewarded with one back, even as Elain trembled, even as she shook, they had a moment, one Feyre hoped to remember forever.

Would she see them again? She'd never drag them back into the mess she had last time, so would they reunite? She hoped so, hard as things had been, they were sisters, they were family, and she loved them.

"Be safe" She whispered to Elain, sweet Elain who trembled and shook, tears on her pretty cheeks, "And don't give your heart to anyone who doesn't deserve it"

She then turned to Nesta, face so much like their Mothers, but something in her gaze, forced Feyre not just to offer advice on Tomas Mandray which she had to, this time she gripped Nesta hands as she did so, ignored her trying to shake her off, "Do not marry him"

"And Nesta" She paused then, glanced at Elain still whimpering, "Take care of her, and yourself" Unnecessary the first half, the latter so much more, Nesta always put Elain first, Feyre hoped she'd look after herself too, at least she got a nod this time.

Next it was her Father, who she knew she might never see living again. Thought of the war, of his sacrifice, took his hands as he urged her to run, to make something of herself if she could, but she was barely listening, just memorizing the lines of his face, the tears at his cheeks, memorized, and nodded, pulled him into a hug where he held her so tightly she thought she might break.

This part somehow felt harder than the last time, even as she headed for home, in the direction of the wall and Prythian.

Leaving one home behind for another, it was the right decision, but it hurt more.

Still, she didn't look back.

next? feyre returns home

and its gunna pop offfff, one of my fav characters gets introduced next, and well, you'll see!

do fav/follow, review if you can! ty, and speak soon!