Chapter 53
Uijeongbu Korea; June 5th, 1953
"Don't you love this?" Hawkeye said over Ellie Marie's shoulder as they walked down the chow line, "Hot chili in the middle of a heat wave."
"Quit your griping Captain." Igor said, "At least you aren't back here! The steam table is a sauna!"
"Then you oughta serve Swedish meatballs!" Hawkeye retorted.
"Your head is a Swedish meatball….." Ellie Marie muttered, as she left the line and slumped down at one of the tables with Hawkeye close behind.
"Ears front fellow sweaters!" Klinger called, hopping up on one of the benches and banging on a tray with a spoon to get everyone's attention, "Tonight when the mercury dips into the breezy 90's, watch America's fighting men as they march across Africa's scorching desert sands…"
"Again with this….." Hawkeye groaned.
"You better not say it Toledo…." Ellie Marie added.
"….and right into our hearts in "Sahara!" Klinger finished.
The room erupted in a chorus of boos, and someone threw their corn bread at him.
"Can you believe these bums?" Klinger said, scooting next to her on the bench.
"That's show business baby…." Ellie Marie teased, as she pressed her glass of cool water to the side of her neck.
"Klinger if you're gonna give us heat and war, can't you at least make it new heat and war?" Hawkeye complained.
"You're talking to the wrong lackey." Klinger said, "I just show whatever Special Services sends me. You gonna eat that chili gorgeous?" He asked the last part to Ellie Marie.
"Ugh I'm too hot to think about food." She complained, "you can have it."
"I wasn't asking cuz I wanted it," He said, "you didn't eat breakfast, and you barely ate dinner last night. I'm not gonna win any points with your folks if I bring you home looking like a skeleton."
"I'm hardly a skeleton." She retorted.
"And I don't plan on letting you become one." He said, "Eat. Please?"
She sighed but then picked up her spoon and took a large bite of the chili.
"Happy?" She asked, he chuckled slightly and kissed her temple.
"So who's the right lackey?" Hawkeye asked him, "to get us a movie we haven't seen twenty times."
"I'd start with Bannister." Klinger said.
"Bannister?"
"He's the movie courier."
"Gotcha." Hawkeye said, "Hey Beej!" B.J. looked up from his spot in the chow line,"Wanna go be film critics?"
"Eh sure why not…." B.J. said, dropping his tray back on the pile, "the only thing I had planned for this afternoon was to find out if my eyelids sweat." And the two of them walked out of the mess tent together.
"How you doin doll face?" Ellie Marie asked Klinger.
"Miserable….." He said, "I feel like a slowly roasting pig, and that office is one step above hot box! The fan does nothing, it's just blowing the hot air around."
"You'd think with your desert heritage you'd be able to handle this kind of thing better than the rest of us…." Ellie Marie pointed out, brushing the hair that was sticking to his forehead back.
"Yeah but what nobody talks about is that deserts have dry heat." He said, "my body was not cut out for these humid tropic summers."
Attention all personnel! Incoming wounded!
"Guess it's out of the frying pan and into the O.R….." She muttered, pushing herself up from the table.
————
"How's General Rothaker doing?" Colonel Potter asked quietly. Ellie Marie looked up from her paperwork.
"Still a little groggy." She replied, "but he should be up and around in no time."
"I hope I look ok." Colonel Potter said, "I gotta go pay my respects."
"You look great Colonel." Ellie Marie said with a smile.
"Those incompetents! Those fools! Those dunderheads!" Charles griped, as he walked through the doors from the office carrying a small box.
"Which dunderheads are you talking about?" She asked.
"I-Corps."
"Oh, the head dunderheads."
"We ordered a case of codeine and look what they've sent us." He plopped the box down next to her, "placebos."
"Oh perfect. Pills that do nothing." She said, "How much codeine do we have in hand?"
"About a week's worth."
"Alright, I'll tell the Colonel as soon as he's free."
"Thank you." Charles replied, glaring at the box again.
"Too bad they don't use placebo bullets." She said, "Let the soldiers just think they're dead."
Charles gave a small snort of appreciative laughter and shook his head before walking back into the office. A few minutes later Colonel Potter walked back down the aisle shaking his head.
"Everything ok Colonel?" Ellie Marie asked.
"It's not gonna be…." He replied, " apparently General Rothaker smelled beer on one of our corpsman's breath during triage."
"Well he came in at 3 30 on a Friday afternoon." Ellie Marie said, "as long as the guy was able to do his job what's the problem?"
"That was pretty much the line I took with him, but I gotta say he wasn't impressed." Colonel Potter said, "in fact he was so unhappy about it that he's officially declared our unit dry, for at least the duration of his stay."
"Dry?" Ellie Marie said I'm surprise, "as in no booze at all?"
"At all." He confirmed.
"We gonna draw straws to figure out who has to tell the Swamp rats?"
—————
"Awww Sweetheart. I wish there was something I could do for you…." Ellie Marie said sympathetically.
Klinger had slumped over in his chair next to the projector with his head tipped back and his eyes closed. His shirt was drenched in sweat and droplets of it were dripping from his hair.
"Just put me out of my misery….." He groaned.
"No dice Toledo. I need you to stick around for a while, I got plans that I kinda need you for."
"I just want a few minutes of relief…." He said tiredly, "I haven't even had a good night's sleep in a week."
"I know…." Ellie Marie said, "I'd hug you but I don't wanna make you any hotter….."
"And now the stinking General put a kibosh on the booze, so I can't even drink to try and forget how miserable I am!"
"Klinger, will you shut up! I can't hear the movie!" Sergeant Zale, snapped from the other side of the projector.
"You've seen this movie six damn times in the past three months Zale! You should be able to quote it by now!" Klinger snapped back.
"Hey! You actually just reminded me of something." Ellie Maire said, "I may or may not have bribed Cook to throw a couple beers way in the back of the refrigerator so I'd have them for a rainy day, or a steamy day….as it were. I could go get you one if you keep it on the down low."
"Baby…..I mean this with all my heart." Klinger said, grabbing her hand, "You do that and I'll marry you all over again, right here right now." She laughed and gave him a quick kiss.
"No need for all that Sergeant." She said, "I'd be happy to."
Ellie Marie snuck out of the mess tent and went around the back to the kitchens. She popped open the refrigerator and couldn't resist taking a moment to bask in the cool air, before digging in the back to find the beer. She grabbed a can and headed back to the movie.
"Here you go love." She said, handing it to Klinger.
"Thanks baby, you're the best." He said, cracking the beer and taking a sip.
"Max…." She said, eyeing him curiously, "is the heat making me see things? Or are you….not sweating anymore?"
She examined him more closely, and sure enough, though his shirt and hair were still damp, the sheen of sweat had disappeared from his skin.
"Ok look….don't be mad." He said, "but I was talking to the Major and the two Captains while you were gone, and they picked up on how miserable I've been. So they gave me something to take the edge off."
"To take the edge off what?" She said, "the heat?"
"Yeah!" Klinger said happily, "they gave me these pills, said they help regulate temperature, but I should only take two a day. Said I could drop my temperature too low if I took more. So I took one and wouldn't you know it? I'm already feeling cooler!"
"Can I see these pills?" Ellie Marie asked. He held out the bottles to her and she sighed as soon as she saw it.
"Of course…." She muttered.
"You're not mad are you?" He asked.
"No Max, I'm not mad…I'm glad you're feeling better." She said, kissing his cheek, "I just want to have a talk with your attending physicians." She walked across the row where the three of them were sitting.
"You gave my husband placebos to cool him down?' She whispered incredulously.
"Is that a problem?" Charles asked, "I'dve thought you'd be appreciative. He was absolutely miserable."
"I know he was Charles, I live with him!" She snapped, "I just wanted to make sure it's safe. He's not going to give himself a heat stroke or anything because he doesn't think he's hot is he?"
"You should know better than any of us El, the brain is an amazing thing." Hawkeye pointed out, "As long as he truly believes those pills are lowering his core temperature they should actually do it, but it probably wouldn't hurt to keep tabs on him."
"I mean….I do that as a rule anyway." She said.
"Then we should have no problem." Charles pointed out.
"Anyway Ellie…don't bother us with your mundane problems…we have real matters of life and death to deal with." Hawkeye added.
"Like what?"
"Potter took the still." B.J. said.
"No!!!" She gasped.
"He impounded it until General Rankor leaves." Hawkeye grumbled, "it's a crime against humanity!"
"Well….glad to know you aren't over reacting about it at least." Ellie Marie teased..
———-
"That's absolutely unbelievable….." Ellie Marie said, shaking her head at her husband who had changed into a dry t-shirt and shorts and was now lounging comfortably on their bed, reading one of his crime novels."You really aren't hot at all anymore?"
"Nope, not a bit." He replied, "Actually thinking about getting under this blanket."
She walked across the room and put a hand against his forehead just to double check. Sure enough he was cool and dry.
"Absolutely unbelievable." She repeated.
"Speaking of getting under the covers…." He said with a smirk, tugging slightly on the ties for the bikini top she was wearing, "wanna join me?"
"Just because you've got magic chill pills doesn't mean we all do, Toledo." She said, "I'm not doing anything that will make me any sweatier than I already am."
"You're welcome to take one yourself."
"No thanks." She said, "not judging you, because I know how miserable you've been but I'd rather handle my discomfort the old fashioned way."
She walked back over to the basin they used as a sink and dunked her head in the tepid water. It didn't help much, but the water trickling down her back had a slight cooling effect.
"Klingers! Are you awake?" A voice called from their cracked door.
"Yeah we're awake." Klinger answered.
"But I'm not entirely decent." Ellie Marie added.
"Define not entirely." B.J.s voice answered.
"I'm in my bikini."
"Is that a warning or an enticement?" Hawkeye teased.
"Just get in here…." She said with an eye roll.
They both walked in and Hawkeye's eyes shot to Ellie Marie immediately and he gave an impish grin.
"That's quite an outfit you're barely wearing there Mrs. Klinger." He teased, before turning to her husband, "I know I've said it before, and I'll say it again, but you are one hell of a lucky man."
"And I'll say the same thing I do everytime you say it." Klinger replied, "I know it, but you'd better keep your eyeballs in your head Captain. I know you outrank me, but you keep ogling her like that and we might have to take this outside."
"Trust me Klinger, I have no interest in fighting you." Hawkeye said lightly, "I'm well aware that one on one you'd give me a beating so thorough I'd need a me, to fix it."
"Is there a reason you two decided to drop by at almost 11 o'clock at night?" Ellie Marie asked, pulling her silk robe on and tying it, all the while internally groaning at the way the material clung to her sweaty skin.
"Oh right, yeah there is!" Hawkeye said, "Klinger, do you know who's above Bannister in the film acquiring chain of command?"
"Uhhh…let me think." Klinger said, setting his book aside, "I think his name is….Frankenheimer. Yeah! That's it Wally Farnkeheimer. He works out of special services in Seoul."
"Perfect! Klinger, you're a gem!" B.J. said excitedly.
"What are you two scheming?" Ellie Marie asked, walking over to sit down on the bed next to her husband.
"We found our next movie!" B.J. said, "and boy is it a doozy."
"Listen to this," said Hawkeye, unfolding the newspaper he'd been carrying under his arm, "The Moon is Blue, starring David Niven, William Holden and Maggie McNamara has been banned from local theaters due to its suggestive nature. The Otto Preminger film failed to receive a production code seal of approval when the director refused to delete sexually explicit scenes and dialogue!"
"Did you hear that??" B.J. said, practically bouncing with excitement, "Sexually explicit scenes!"
"And dialogue!" Hawkeye added. Ellie Marie rolled her eyes.
"You two really are just extremely overgrown twelve year old boys with medical degrees aren't you?" She said.
"So what if we are. We're gonna go get ourselves a dirty movie!" Hawkeye replied gleefully.
"Captain's I hate to burst your bubble but there's no way you're getting that film." Klinger said matter of factly.
"What do you mean?" B.J. asked, "Since when are you such a Debbie downer? What happened to the prince of shady dealings, who could ring water from any stone?"
"He still sits before you." Klinger replied, "but the first rule of running a great scheme is knowing the game, and in this case it's rigged. You're talking about a new release, and if that article is right, one that's quite the hot button item right now. We M*A*S*H units are lucky if we get movies that have come out later than 1940. That thing is going to be back ordered until the end of whatever war we get into after this one. I'm telling you. Nobody under the rank of two star general will be watching a movie like that in Korea."
"when did you become such a pessimist?" Hawkeye complained.
"I'm not being a pessimist, I'm being a realist." Klinger retorted, "You're welcome to go into Seoul and talk to Frankeheimer, but I can all but tell you what he's gonna say."
"Well we've gotta at least try," Hawkeye said, "a movie like this is worth it. Come on Klinger! You know you wanna see it too….sexually explicit scenes!!"
"No offense sir…." Klinger said with a smirk, "but the way I see it. Why watch? When you can do?" He slipped an arm around Ellie Marie's waist and she grinned at him appreciatively.
"Are you two ever gonna get tired of throwing your happy, healthy marriage in our face?" B.J. asked.
"You're just jealous…." Ellie Marie shot back at him.
"Yes! I am!" He agreed immediately, "my sexually explicit scene partner is 10,000 miles away!"
The next evening Ellie Marie finished her shift in supply and went up to the main office to check in with Klinger. She walked in to find him sitting at his desk in his normal fatigue slacks, drinking a cup of coffee.
"Max….it's 102 degrees. Isn't this getting a little ridiculous?" She asked.
"Don't know what to tell you baby. It's perfectly cool and comfortable aboard the S.S. Maxwell Q." He replied.
"Man, I wish that was a ship I could climb aboard….."
He raised a suggestive eyebrow and she gave him a dry smirk.
"Not what I meant, Sergeant." She clarified, shaking her head, "Did you eat dinner?"
"Yeah, I grabbed something about a half hour ago. Did you?"
"Nah…..this heat's making me queasy. I can't even think about eating right now." She replied.
"Eleanor Marie…." Klinger stood up and cupped her face in his hands looking at her sternly, "I don't like how much I've been having to force you to eat lately. You know I'll always be here to take care of you and make sure you're ok. It's my job and I love it, but you gotta meet me halfway sometimes, ok?" She sighed and nodded.
"Yeah ok you're right." She agreed, "it's bingo night in the mess tent. I'll go grab some of the stuff they always put out. I gotta talk to Colonel Potter anyway."
"Thanks baby." He leaned in and kissed her softly, "I'll be home as soon as I finish these reports. I love you."
"I love you too." She said.
She walked back down the hill to the mess tent where about a dozen people were gathered. She moved along the back of the room grabbing a bottle of Coca Cola and a ham and cheese sandwich, and then went to sit beside Colonel Potter.
"That's B as in blessed, 5." Father Mulcahy called out.
"Rats…." Colonel Potter grumbled, "All I need is B4!"
"Hey Colonel." Ellie Marie said, "Sorry to bother you in the middle of your game, but I wanted to let you know we're down to a three day supply of codeine. Do you know when I Corps is gonna replace the sugar pills?"
"I called them this morning, and according to their records. They sent us codeine." He replied, "I told them we got sugar pills instead, I even sang them a few choruses of the four letter serenade. They still say it's codeine."
"O as in Old Testament, 63."
"Monkey Muffins!"
"So are we gonna get it?" Ellie Marie asked.
"Don't worry I'll call again in the morning, and I'll keep calling until I get results."
"I hope you get worked out sir."
"Not much I can do…it's a game of luck." Colonel Potter muttered, having turned his attention back to his bingo board, "Come on B4…."
"N as in Nebuchadnezzar 38." The Father called.
"What do you think you're doing?" Charles snapped at Kelly, who'd just reached for a coffee bean.
"I'm marking my car. I have N38…." She said, looking at him in confusion.
"That very well may be your number, but that's my bean."
"Well pardon me sir…." Kelly said sarcastically, "I didn't see your name on it."
"No no. Nevertheless it came from my side of the pile!"
"Major….all the beans are the same." Kelly said in annoyance.
"No no." He repeated, "let me show you." He pointedly separated the beans in half, "These are your beans." He pushed them towards her, "these are mine." He pulled the rest towards himself.
"Okay okay…..excuse me for living…." Kelly grumbled.
"I take no issue with your living as long as you do it without my beans!" Charles snapped back.
"Charles….somewhere out there is a butterfly net with your name on it…" Ellie Marie called to him.
"Well what do you expect? It's 150 degrees in here and I haven't had anything refreshing to eat or drink in a week!" Charles snapped back. "Beside which, THOSE ARE MY BEANS!"
"You're perfectly right." Ellie Marie said, she stood on the bench and raised her hands, "Ladies and gentlemen I have an announcement! Effective immediately those are Major Winchester's beans!"
"Thank you…" Charles grumbled, glaring at her.
"Poor slobs crazed from the heat…" Colonel Potter said, shaking his head, "Alright Padre…back to you."
"Thank you Colonel." Father Mulcahy said, "B as in Bathsheba…14!"
"BINGO!" Rizzo yelled, and Colonel Potter threw his board and cursed.
"Hey gorgeous I thought you were heading back to our place." Klinger said, walking through the door.
"Sorry love, got caught up in bingo drama." She said.
"Klinger, how can you dress like that on a day like this?" Colonel Potter asked, taking in his pants and jacket,
"Don't worry sir. I know you want to keep a lid on this." Klinger replied, "I haven't told anyone about these little miracle pills Captain Pierce and Major Winchester have been working on."
"Pierce and Winchester huh?" Colonel Potter said, taking the bottle from his hand.
"Well I can be the first to tell you that it works!" Klinger said happily, "Here I stand! A guinea pig that isn't sweating like one!"
"I take it you knew about this?" Colonel Potter said, looking over at Ellie Marie.
"Only after the fact." She said, raising her hands in innocence, "but they told me it shouldn't cause him any issues."
"Yeah….it shouldn't." The Colonel agreed, "but I think I'd better have a little chat with his attending physicians anyway."
"Is there something I should know, sir?" Klinger said, looking between them.
"Not really you lucky devil." Colonel Potter said with a sigh, "The less you know, the better."
"If you say so." He said, "you ready to head out baby?"
"Yeah sure why not?" She said with a shrug, she looked over her shoulder to where Kelly and Charles were sitting, "Kelly he took one of your beans."
"Instigator….." Colonel Potter muttered at her.
She and Klinger walked out of the mess tent just as a jeep pulled into the compound and Hawkeye and B.J. hopped out of it.
"Ugh…home is where the heat is…." Hawkeye mumbled.
"Hey fellas….how'd the excursion to tinseltown go?" Ellie Marie asked.
"Pretty much exactly how Klinger said it would…." B.J. said with a sigh.
"Can't say I'm happy to be right in this instance." Klinger said, "Sorry about your bum luck."
"It's ok Klinger…." Hawkeye said, "we always knew it was gonna be a long shot."
"Hey before you go Captain, I gotta talk to you…." Klinger said.e on Klinger, I'm tired and I'm miserable and I just wanna go slowly roast to death in my bed. Not all of us have magic pills to keep us comfortable."
"That's why I need to see you! I need some more!"
"More??" Ellie Marie said, "Come on Max….I'm not so sure that's smart."
"I just took my last one up in the office!" Klinger said, "you know how miserable I was before, baby. I just need enough to get me through this heat wave! Look at me! I'm a human being again!"
"Well you see Klinger," Hawkeye said, putting a hand on his shoulder "further research has revealed that one pill actually lasts a whole week."
"A week?" Klinger said in surprise. Ellie Marie rolled her eyes at Hawkeye over his shoulder, but he just shrugged slightly. "Gee….I've taken six! Does that mean I'm good for over a month?"
"That's exactly what it means." B.J. said confidently.
"Oh that great…." Klinger said with a sigh of relief, "So what went down with Frankheimer anyway?"
"Turns out he's just the middle man." Hawkeye said, "the only guy who can get his hands on that film is some distributor in Tokyo."
"What's his name?" Klinger asked.
"Hugo Reneke."
"Alright look, I owe you guys a huge favor, for those little miracle pills." Klinger said, "Let me go make a few calls through the underground clerks network. I'm sure whoever this guy is, he has a back that can be scratched."
"Scratch away." Hawkeye said, tiredly.
"Looks like I'm headed back to the office for a bit baby…." Klinger said to Ellie Marie with an apologetic look.
"It's ok…" She said with a sigh, "I knew this day would come….it's only a matter of time before the spark wears off and the husband stays at the office later and later….next thing you know it'll be an extended business trip to Sacramento…."
"Come here you nut job…" Klinger said with a smile, wrapping an arm around her and pulling her close to kiss her, "I'll be home as soon as I'm done."
He walked up the hill towards his office, and she turned to her fellow Captains.
"New research says they last a week?" She shot back at Hawkeye, "don't you think you're playing a little fast and loose with what Max's psyche is willing to accept?"
"I mean what's the downside really?" Hawkeye said, "It doesn't work and he gets hot again? That just puts him back we're he started. He's essentially eating sugar cubes and feeling ten times better than the rest of us….take the win."
"It's so annoying when you're right." She said with a sigh,
A few hours later she was woken abruptly when Klinger came bursting into their tent and jumped onto the bed excitedly.
"I did it baby!" He said, "I got the movie! In the next day or two the 4077th will be watching the Moon is Blue!"
"No kidding? How'd you do it?" She asked.
"By sneaky and dishonorable means that you'd just as soon not know the details of." He said with a smirk, "the point is I did it."
"Well good job dollface. Not sure if I can say I'm proud of you. But it was very sweet of you to do it for Beej and Hawk." She patted his cheek, "Can I go back to sleep now?"
"Of course." He kissed her cheek, "Sweet dreams gorgeous."
——-
"Put it on a chopper and have it here by this afternoon!" Hawkeye said into the telephone in Klinger's office the next morning. "What?…..No no no no no, you promised if we got our hands on it you'd send it right over!!!….No! wait! Hello? Hello!?……That fink hung up on me!" He dropped the phone back on the receiver.
"Let me guess….." Klinger said, "now that he's got a copy it's the exact same song and dance all over again. We don't have enough brass to get it on the ground."
"He said he's going to send us, State Fair instead!" Hawkeye said angrily.
"Boy, seeing that picture sure would make up for all the heat we've got….." B.J. sighed.
"and all the drinks we ain't." Klinger added.
"How 'bout I throw some rank around. See what I can do." Colonel Potter, who had just been filled in that morning, suggested.
"Nah forget it….birds, bars and clusters mean nothing to this guy…." Hawkeye muttered, "He's strictly into general delivery."
"Too bad….." Colonel Potter said with a sigh, "Well, I gotta make my daily codeine call….this pill snafu is giving me a real headache!"
"Hawk wait….." B.J. said, "Pill snafu…..it just occurred to me….we have a second patient who may owe us a favor….if you catch my drift."
"B.J. you beautiful man….I could kiss you!"
"How about you just make the call and we'll call it even."
Hawkeye grabbed the phone and dialed again.
"Hey Lieutenant! ….what? Oh no I don't need to be put through to him, I actually called to talk to you. How'd that date go?….Oh yeah? Hey, that's great. I knew you could do it. Listen, I got a little favor to ask you. Your boss is sending us State Fair, do you think you could switch the label with The Moon is Blue?" Awesome thank you so much. Uh huh….we'll let you me tell you something Lieutenant, we didn't change your life. You did. Those little white pills were nothing! They have no medicinal value at all! Those guts were your guts! You got it…..go get 'em tiger." He hung up the phone and looked back at them with a grin, "Movie is on the way….." He said happily.
"Wait a minute….." Klinger said, staring at him suspiciously, "Those little white pills you gave him….are they the same one you gave me?"
"Umm….yes." Hawkeye said hesitantly.
"The ones with no medicinal value whatsoever??"
"Yeah……"
"Well thanks a lot!" Klinger snapped, as he quickly began to strip off layers of clothing.
"Klinger…it's all in your head!" B.J. said, "just don't be hot!"
"Don't be hot!?" Klinger said angrily, "if it's that simple how come you just don't be hot?"
"He's got me there…." B.J. replied.
————
"Ooo I can't wait!" Hawkeye said excitedly the next night, as they all filed into the mess tent for the movie, "These people are expecting quality, and they're gonna get smut! Won't they be thrilled?"
"I think you overestimate the level of perversion that is in the average person." Ellie Marie said, "not every has the instinct to revel in debauchery the way you do."
"What can I say? It's a gift." Hawkeye said with a shrug.
"How's your over heated hubby holding up?" B.J. asked.
"He's ok." She said, "After your little pill revelation this morning he decided to take preventative action so he gave the cook five bucks to let him put a pair of his shorts in the freezer all day and then took a half hour cold shower before we came over, so he's feeling decently fresh for the moment."
"Aren't you worried if he wears frozen shorts, he might freeze off certain bits that you're fond of?" Hawkeye teased, she shot him an unamused look.
"Save your dirty mind for the movie." She retorted.
"Howdy Captains." Colonel Potter said as he took a seat next to them, "You'll be happy to hear the codeine is on its way."
"Terrific Colonel!" Ellie Marie said.
"How'd you pull that off?" B.J. asked.
"Well…somebody stole the placebos that were supposed to be codeine," He explained, "Since I-Corps insisted it was codeine to begin with…I told them that's what was stolen. They said, 'No problem we'll send you a new shipment tomorrow.'"
"Any idea who the thief was?" Ellie Marie asked.
"Yeah, I'd love to shake his hand and say thank you." B.J. added. Colonel Potter took his hand and shook it firmly.
"You're welcome." He said with a smirk, and they all laughed.
"Ok enough of business! Time for pleasure!" Hawkeye said, bouncing with excitement.
"Pierce, I have a feeling this movie is going to be more entertaining than you ever imagined." Colonel Potter said with a wink, "Get ready for a treat."
"What does he mean?" Hawkeye said in alarm, as Colonel Potter stood and addressed the room.
"Uh, fellow movie buffs!" He said loudly, "As we all know our scheduled movie for tonight is State Fair. However, thanks to the efforts of General Rothaker who put in a call to a certain movie bigwig in Seoul…."
"Oh no….he didn't." Hawkeye moaned, putting his head in his hands.
"We will not be seeing, State Fair tonight!" The Colonel continued happily.
"Looks like he did…." B.J. muttered.
"This is not happening….." Hawkeye said, shaking his head.
"Instead we will be viewing a piece of entertainment of a rather sophisticated nature!" Colonel Potter explained, "I give you….The Moon is Blue!"
B.J. and Hawkeye groaned in unison as the opening credits of State Fair appeared on the screen.
———-
"I'm outraged! This is a disgrace!" Hawkeye shouted at the screen.
It had taken another week and a half for them to get the proper movie to the camp, and they were finally having a viewing party. To the relief of the entire camp General Rothaker had been shipped on to the evac hospital the day before and his departure coincided with a substantial rain storm that had finally broken the heat wave. So they now found themselves crowded back in the mess tent with markedly more comfortable temperatures and drinks that were flowing freely.
"I've never seen a cleaner movie in my life!" Hawkeye continued to rage, martini the hand, "There was more filth and dirt in this morning's breakfast!!"
"Oh I don't know Hawkeye…." Father Mulcahy countered, "One of the actors did say…virgin."
"THAT'S BECAUSE EVERYONE IS!!" Hawkeye shot back at him.