Daria on the Trail:
Big Hairy With Tusks One
DISCLAIMER: This story is a Western based on an idea by Ultimate Paladin posted on another site. I changed the location of the interdimensional portal, backdated the time of the story to 1860, and went on from there. A Song of Ice and Fire was written by George RR Martin. Daria was created by Glen Eichler. I own neither property. George RR Martin owns A Song of Ice and Fire and MTV Viacom owns Daria. I seek no financial compensation for this story but I welcome review.
This story is based on my personal research on the Oregon Trail, not on the video game with the same name.
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"You look worried," said Susana.
"I am worried," I said. "I need to find either Mr. North or Mr. Parkhurst, and then I really need to talk to Captain Trout. I think the boys found a hazard that's not in the trail guide."
"What sort of hazard?" asked Susana.
"Very large critters," I said.
"What sort of critter?" asked Susana.
"I might have gone mad but I think the boys might have found some fresh Mammoth dung," I said.
"Mammoths?" asked Susana. "What are mammoths?"
"Mammoths are very large animals related to elephants," I said.
"Mammoths? Elephants?" said Susana. "Here?"
"Maybe," I said. "I don't know. If there are mammoths here, someone ought to tell Captain Trout. Mr. Parkhurst might be able to tell if that dung is elephant-like. So might Joss."
I found Joss over by his wagon.
"What do you want, Daria?" Joss said in English.
I was almost flattered. I didn't think he knew my name.
"I saw something that might be important," I replied in Andal. "Can we talk in Andal for a while?"
"All right," said Joss with a grin. I could tell he was humoring me, but I could deal with that.
"I saw some interesting stool near the trail," I said. "I'm not interested in it for what it is than for what animal made it."
"Can't you guess for yourself?" said Joss with a grin.
"I might but my tracking skills are shit," I said. Joss rewarded me with a smile. "I think you and Mr. Parkhurst might know what it is better than I do. I think it's mammoth dung."
"So why are you asking me?" he said.
"I thought you might know," I said. "You're from the North after all."
Joss's expression shifted from amusement to something cold and scary.
"I don't like talking about it," he said. "You are treading on dangerous ground."
Oh, shit, what sort of can did I just kick over, I thought. Was he running away from a feud? Was he a wilding from North of the Wall? Courage, I silently told myself.
"How so?" I said. "These are the United States, not the Seven Kingdoms. I doubt most Yankees know enough about Northerners to tell the difference between someone who knelt before the Starks or didn't." I gave a big shrug. "I doubt the sheriffs or soldiers care very much. You're from too far away. As far as they're concerned, you're just some foreigner from Westeros. Besides, this country was founded by people who only kneel to God, not to kings."
"So why do you want me to tell you whether it's mammoth dung or not?" said Joss.
"Because you'd know better than me or Mr. Parkhurst," I said. "If it is mammoth dung and there are mammoths around here, we can get Mr. Parkhurst to tell Captain Trout to beware of them. He's a learned man and you can stay in the background."
Joss stared at me for what seemed like half an hour without saying anything. I felt my heart beating and sweat soaking my arm pits as he thought about what I was saying or implying.
"So why are you doing this?" he said. "Do you expect to get anything from me?"
"I don't want anything from you," I replied. "I don't want love, I don't want money, I just want your knowledge for the safety of our company. If that is mammoth dung, I think Captain Trout needs to know. Mr. Parkhurst and I can say that we were the ones who saw it and thought there might be mammoths about."
"How do I know that you'll keep confidences?" he said.
"I'm already carrying secrets, my own and other people's," I said. "I don't talk about them. Furthermore, we're talking in Andal, not English, so we don't share with the rest of the Company."
"I've seen you women gossiping," he said. "If you open your mouth…"
"And say what?" I said irritably. "We talk about all sorts of things. The weather, children, families, the single men in our company, what we'll do when we get to Oregon. The most we say about you is that you're mysterious, talk little, and that you might make a good husband for somebody. I don't know what your secrets are, I won't if you don't tell me, and I can't gossip about what you don't tell me."
"If I hear you…" he said.
"We're talking about mammoth dung," I said. "The rest doesn't matter. I don't need to know."
"And if people see us talking?" he said.
"I'll say nothing or if pressed, I'll tell them that you crept into Lord Stark's solar and stole his favorite pair of socks," I replied. "That was before he lost his head and the new lord probably cancelled the bounty."
Joss said nothing, although I did see his lips moving as he suppressed a smirk. About what I expected: Joss was a very private man.
"All right, let's look at that dung," he said.
"It's over here," I said. I turned around, deliberately turning my back to him and silently hoping that I hadn't made a mistake.
We walked back to where Phillip and Silas found the dung. Joss stared at it. A very private man.
"Someone fell in it," he said, his lips twitching upward.
"One of the boys from Johnson's people," I said. "It got all over his shirt and trousers. He wasn't happy about it."
"He wouldn't be," he said. "That's mammoth dung." He stared at the dung for a little longer. "All right, we'll talk to Parkhurst, then you and he can go talk to Trout."
"So what you suggest that we should do about any mammoths?" he said.
"First, you and I talk to Mr. Parkhurst about them," I said. "Then Mr. Parkhurst and I tell Captain Trout and Captain Johnson about them."
"And then?" he said.
"Leave them alone," I said. "We stay away from them if we can. If they approach, we circle our wagons, we don't shoot at them, we wait for them to go away. Besides, most of our rifles are too small to seriously damage them. Maybe the smaller guns-on-wheels could kill one but we'd only get one shot and I suspect that the other mammoths would get angry."
Joss stared at me for a while without saying anything. I wondered and worried about what he was thinking.
"You know, for a Yankee girl, you're showing a surprising amount of good sense when you're not being foolish," he said.
"Thank you," I replied.
Together we walked back to Mr. Parkhurst's wagon. More of our wagons had descended the pass but Mr. Parkhurst's wagon was still waiting its turn. Parkhurst saw us walking together and gave Joss a nod and me a smile.
"Hallo, Miss Morgendorffer, I see you're talking with Joss. Are you planning to steal him away from me?"
"No, we were discussing natural history and some interesting-looking spoor I spotted an hour ago," I replied. "Joss and I decided that we needed to talk to you about it first."
"Spoor?" said Parkhurst.
"Spoor," I said deadpan.
"What about it?" said Parkhurst.
"Do you remember those oversized buffalo we saw on the way to the Platte River Bridge?" I said.
"Hardly likely I'd forget," said Parkhurst.
"Well, a couple of the Johnson Company's lads found some exceptionally large droppings and I thought I'd need to talk to you first, then to Captain Trout," I said.
"Not from more giant bison, I trust," said Parkhurst.
"I wish," I said.
"You sound very concerned," said Parkhurst. "All right, I'll look."
"My next question is have you ever seen any elephants?" I said.
"Elephants?" said Parkhurst. "I have, as a matter of fact. Why do you ask?"
I gave a sigh of relief. It would be a pain if he hadn't.
"Have you ever seen any of their stool?" I said.
"As a matter of fact, I have," said Parkhurst. "They produce quite a lot of it. Why is a young lady like you interested in elephant dung?"
"As a matter for comparison," I said. "Can you think of any other Ice Age creatures contemporary with giant bison?"
"As a matter of fact, I can," said Parkhurst. "Horses, Irish Elk, aurochs, great bears, various species of lions and—" He stared at me in suspicion. "You're not suggesting what I think you are, are you, Miss Morgendorffer?"
"I fear I might be," I said. "I am concerned that whoever-it-was who salted the Trail near the Platte River Bridge with giant buffalo may have salted this valley with Mammoths and that there's a chance we might run into them."
"You're joking, aren't you?" said Parkhurst.
"I wish to God I was," I replied.
"Well, let's go look," said Parkhurst. After Parkhurst flagged down a loitering teenager to watch his oxen and wagon, the three of us set off to look at the spoor.
The three Johnson boys saw us coming and laughed.
"Coming to look at the shit, aren't you?" said one of them. Joss gave them a look. The boys stopped laughing and walked away.
We found a couple of the piles a short time later.
"By Jove, there's a lot of it," said Parkhurst. "Why do you think it might be mammoths?"
"Because this area used to be habitat for mammoths thousands of years ago and because mammoths eat a lot more than bison so they're more likely to produce waste," I said.
"Do you recognize Mammoth waste, Miss Morgendorffer?" said Parkhurst.
"Not off hand," I said. "I have seen elephant dung and there used to be mammoths where I grew up thousands of years ago. Their bones still occasionally turn up."
Parkhurst looked thoughtful. "I'm willing to say that this could well be mammoth dung, but I can't say for certain," he said.
"I'd like to dead certain," I said. "Joss, what do you think?"
"It's mammoth dung," Joss pronounced.
"I think that's it, then," said Parkhurst.
"One more thing," I said. "I understand Mr. North here values his privacy and I intend to respect it. I say that you and I go talk to Captain Trout. We leave Joss out of the conversation."
"Joss?" said Parkhurst.
"Yes," said Joss.
"All right, then, Miss Morgendorffer, you and I will talk to Captain Trout," said Parkhurst. "Do you want any other proof?"
"Footprints and hair," I said. I spotted a mushy place about sixty feet away. "I think I see something," I said.
I went walking over to the marshy spot, then found more sign of what I'd been dreading. Large, round, circular impressions that reminded me of meteor craters with rims.
"Over here, look!" I said, sparing a moment to wonder how those Johnson Company boys overlooked this.
Parkhurst and Joss walked over to where I was standing.
"I say," said Parkhurst.
I decided at that moment that I hated being right.
Author's notes:
Yes, mammoths. This story may be modeled on real life, but I have added fantasy elements here and there and having the entities that opened the portal between antebellum Kansas and Westeros insert giant bison, mammoths, and other critters into the west is great fun. Think of it as author's prerogative.