authorsnote: I had to goddamn re-read acotar to get this right, y'all owe me one review each (it is objectively the worst book)

do enjoy, do feel sad for feyre, as I did, but it's okay ... is it?

songrecs: loml - taylor swift (I'm only recommending TTPD for like the next year, ty)

'Be glad of your human heart Feyre, pity those who don't feel anything at all'

- Rhysand to Feyre

-x-

The next morning felt like a dream.

For a moment she was back home, back with Rhys arms circling her, as they did every night, her head pressed against his chest, his chin tucked atop hers. She was in that perfect little space he'd made for her, warm and comfortable and safe.

His lips would brush atop her head, often starting a trail down her cheek, a nip at her neck, a nuzzle into hair. She'd giggle and squirm in his arms, giggles soon turning to moans, they'd make love as the sun rose over Velaris, and Feyre would always feel cherished, like some precious treasure Rhys was in awe of, he never ever ceased to making her feel special, never ceased to make her feel like she was the most important thing in the world to him.

For a moment she was there, she was in her mates arms, she was home and happy, and Fae, she was a High Lady, she was everything she'd always meant to be, even if it had taken a little time to get there.

Time from here, as her dull human eyes snapped open to the first flickerings of sunlight, and the pain, to be away from him, to be back in the human lands, to have a human sister asleep either side of her, it near tore her apart.

She bolted from the bed, ignoring Nesta's hiss, Elains whine, and flew to the back door, to the fresh air, even if her lungs couldn't appreciate it, not anymore.

Still, she had to greedily gulp down the air, trying to force it into her body, for she could feel herself panicking. You don't belong here, was all she could think. This wasn't her home anymore; to be back here, to be starved, and alone again. She felt every weight she'd felt back then only worse now, like the weight on her shoulders had tripled.

She was no longer with Rhys, but she was also no longer Fae, this wasn't her home anymore, and yet she was responsible for everyone again.

Why had the Mother cursed her so?

But then … her mind cleared a touch as she gulped down the cold air, cleared and she remembered Rhys, remembered what had happened, remembered the agony threatening to tear her apart…

It was not her mates mind caressing hers, gently stroking over her mind to remind her he was there. It was not the gentle touch of him, always present, always there when she needed him. It was not his laughter echoing in her mind, it was not his smooth voice, soothing her after a nightmare, or talking her into bed. It wasn't Rhysand, it wasn't her mate.

It wasn't anything at all.

It was gone.

He was gone.

And then … pointing at the Cauldron, in fury, for it destroying the happiness she'd clawed and fought for. She'd pulled herself out of the gutter, she'd faced down everything, and now she was here …

But Rhys was alive.

The Mother hadn't cursed her, the Mother or Cauldron, or something had sent her back, yes, to a time alone and human, but to a time where Rhys lived.

She thought of pointing at the Cauldron, accusing, grabbing, cursing it, had she sent herself back? Had she demanded it? Had she demanded to go back to a time where Rhys lived, knowing she couldn't live without him?

That was what had her standing shakily, yes, she was here, she was human, she was alone, but Rhys was alive, Rhys was well … oh … oh no.

Rhys was Under the Mountain.

She shook even more then, had to lean against the mottled door of the house, not only tired and exhausted from hunger, but nauseous rose in her empty belly, to know Rhys was stuck, with her, stuck Under the Mountain, she felt sick.

She emptied the meager food in her belly, the water coming up and threatening to choke her as she retched and retched, trembling, shaking, thinking of Rhys stuck with Amaranthe, so far away, alone, just like her, only so much worse. Here she was struggling and starving, Under the Mountain Rhys was at the whims of a mad woman, an evil woman.

She sunk to the floor again, trembling, but tried, tried to focus, tried not to circle into the drain of self pity, and felt within herself.

Felt for the bond.

She remembered the tickle of it yesterday, and yet her head swam, and she tried to feel again.

The tattoo on her wrist, their bargain, their mating ceremony marks might all be missing, but the mating bond, not yet in place, but there, faint, echoes of it, it hadn't snapped yet, and was faint, quiet, but if she focused, if she ignored her rolling stomach, the tears threatening to spill over…

There.

She could feel it, the tickle at the back of her mind hadn't been a lie. It was faint, it was quiet, but it was there. She glanced inside the house, knew the dresser was there, and managed even a faint smile; her drawer was covered in stars, the night sky; had she always known?

She tried to feel the mating bond, feel it to feel Rhys, she didn't know what she could do without her Daemati powers, but she did try to send good feelings down the bond, even love. She didn't care if he didn't understand where it was coming from, or if he didn't remember her, she sent down what she could, thinking of the night sky, knowing he hadn't seen it in a while.

Her heart ached.

She stumbled back inside the house, looked at the pelt on the counter, the wolf meat, thought of eating truffles and strawberries at the town house, a picnic on the banks of the rainbow, a windswept meal up in the mountains. She'd never been spoilt, but she'd allowed Rhys to spoil her, enjoyed it, enjoyed him enjoying it even more.

Still, she'd suffered before, she would again, what was eating poorly? Tired and hungry compared to what Rhys was going through?

Compared to what she knew would come.

Wiping the back of her mouth with her hand, she fought back tears, refusing to succumb, what if Rhys could feel them? She tried to send more love down the fragile bond, tried and tried and tired, as she set to work slicing the wolf meat, trying not to feel the disgust that underneath this, this was a man, she was just thankful he didn't transform back, meat was meat.

And she couldn't afford to be picky.

It was an hour more before her sisters and Father rose.

"Feyre!" It was Elain who greeted her, Nesta said not a word, their Father offered a smile and Feyre felt a jolt in her chest, to see him again after so long, after knowing …

She looked away and back to the wolf, to the doe that sat aside it, doubly lucky.

Or doubly ruthless.

"Where did you get that?" Elain asked, and Feyre tried not to feel that anger in her tummy, none of them commented on the haunted look in her eye, the blood on her hands from skinning first the wolf and then deer, none of them had ever tried to even help her prepare the food they'd all gobble down, none of them helped.

She tried not to be resentful, knowing her sisters would eventually come through, knowing what they eventually went through, but in truth she'd forgotten a lot of this, repressed it even, just how much, even as the youngest sister, they'd put on her shoulders.

Thought about the times she'd failed to bring home a kill, Elain had looked disappointed, Nesta angry, her Father pitying. None of them had tried to hunt, she'd had to learn, none of them had promised their Mother on her deathbed for what they'd do.

"Where do you think I got it?" Feyre said, but without any bite, she sighed as she pushed the wolf and doe aside, reached for the pelt after she washed her hands, it would get a good price at the market, she knew that already, not that any of this mattered, she knew the second Tamlin whisked her off he'd restore her family fortunes.

Tamlin.

She'd been trying not to think of him, and yet he would come, and Feyre would go, she'd already accepted that, how else would she get to Rhys?

How else would she get back to her real life?

"Can we eat it yet?" Elain asked, eyes wide, and Feyre glanced at Nesta who rolled her eyes, pushed down any uncharitable thoughts and shook her head.

"We'll roast it after we've been to the market, then we can eat" She said, always in charge, she thought of Rhys, how he'd always let her make her own decisions but when she needed he'd take them off her, he'd sort things out, organize things, let her paint and ignore the world, knowing sometimes she needed not to be in charge, sometimes she needed not to be back here.

But back here she was.

"We'll dry half of it" She said, keeping up those appearances, in a day or two they'd all be eating better, at a cost.

At her cost, always.

"I'll go to the market in a moment to see what I can get for this" She said, nodding at the pelt, before she let out a yawn, sleep had been scant, but she would have to wait, there was much to do to tide them over before Tamlin arrived, and she had to act normal.

"I need a new cloak!" Elain exclaimed, and Feyre got the sense of watching this conversation from the outside in, like an observer. She'd lived all of this before, heard Elain say her name Fey-ruh in a whiny voice, Nesta tell her to shut up, exhaustion creeping over her bones as her Father praised her for the hunt and Nesta scoffed.

Like watching a play, a play she knew how it would end, would this be her life until she caught up? Would this be how she felt until something changed.

Did she want anything to change?

She had to reunite with Rhys, see if he remembered her, or didn't, that was all she could think about; seeing him again, and then she could … she would, she would figure out what to do from there. Rhys first, planning next.

For now, it was carry on as normal.

"Feyre, where did you get this?" Her Father was talking now, looking at the pelt and Feyre couldn't help but glare, she loved her Father, always had and would, and she knew he'd come through for them in the end, but that didn't take away how he'd fallen apart on them.

She thought of her and Rhys discussing children, deciding to wait, but wanting them eventually. She thought of how the Bone Carver had appeared to her, and knew, without question, she would never let her child endure what she had endured, what her and her sisters had endured.

She'd crawl into the forest on broken legs and arms to feed her child, she would never sit by as their Father had.

Even grand gestures couldn't fix everything.

"Where do you think?" She said, with a bit of bite this time. "The same place I got the deer"

"Feyre" Her Father faltered, "The risk…"

She turned away then, knowing if she didn't she'd scream, "I didn't have a choice"

Had she ever?

The squabbling continued, Nesta complaining for a need for new boots when the ones Feyre wore were bursting off her feet, Elain whining but at least she offered a smile. Squabbling over Nesta needing to chop wood, only this time.

"Just do it" Feyre lashed out, her own glare as vicious as Nesta's, thought of Mor and Amren, both would make their hands bleed to chop wood for a fire for each other, Nesta didn't want to out of principle. Feyre sympathized with her, but she had forgotten this, this enmity, the weight on her shoulders, and it hurt.

Gods she missed home.

"Just cut the fucking wood" She said, and then she turned to the wolf, picked up the meat to take outside to dry, "And then we'll go to the market"

She didn't wait to argue further, tears bit at her eyes as she hurried outside to prepare the meat but to hide as well, hide from her sisters and from her Father.

And to cry.

A few hours later, having eaten a light breakfast of meat (and feeling better for it, the deer not the wolf had fed them, Feyre would eat the latter but she'd have to choke it down), they went to the market. Nesta had cut the wood, even with a vicious glare and an insult or two her way, but she'd cut it, that was what mattered.

Now they trailed into the village.

Feyre knew there'd be more arguments to have before Tamlin came. They passed by the Mandray house and Feyre glared, as much as she currently didn't like her sister very much, she still loved her and Elain, would until the end of her days, and she wouldn't see her married to an abuser.

But then, Nesta had never ended up married to him, only for a few words from her, would that change?

It made her wonder how much was set in stone, she'd ruminated over that as she'd cut the deer, preparing the cuts Nesta and Elain would likely never need to sell, how much could she change? How much would she change?

Again, she knew her goal was to find Rhys, to find him and work out what to do next. Maybe she'd have to go Under the Mountain, and she worried that was inevitable, she wasn't sure, but what about her sisters? Would they become High Fae again?

No, Feyre knew she'd spare them that fate this time.

But then the Cauldron … was some of this pre-set? It hurt her head to consider, and her heart ached to talk to Rhys about this, or Amren with far more knowledge on this, or to see what Azriel knew.

And yet she couldn't, for she knew none of them yet, or rather, they didn't know her.

They rounded the corner onto the market, and suddenly Feyre was jerked out of her thoughts.

"Have you a moment to spare so you might hear the Word of the Blessed?" A Child of the Blessed, Feyre couldn't help but flinch.

She may have loved being Fae, but she knew how cruel so many of them were, knew their disdain for humans, and the Children here had no real idea. Feyre pitied them, once she'd hated them, now she wanted to warn them, hide them away from the Wall and Prythian, and all that would harm them.

Fools, all of them.

"No" Nesta sneered, she nudged Elain out of the way, Feyre no longer felt the sting that Nesta didn't try to protect her, "We don't"

The Child, again as Feyre knew she would, just smiled and stepped in front of them, there were five acolytes all together; five meals for passing hungry Fae.

"It would take but a minute" The acolyte said, Nesta responded in kind.

"You see this?" Nesta growled, pulling her arm up, getting Elain to do the same, showing off the iron on their wrists, "This is what you should be wearing"

Feyre was glad she was ignored, that Nesta couldn't see she'd dropped her own into their cabinet that morning, she knew now of course it was useless, only ash worked, and the arrow she'd salvaged from Andreas had felt dirty in her hand, she wondered if that was her imagination or her body responding to something that once could have killed her.

"Go preach in another town" Nesta bit out, and then they moved on, and Feyre had the same sensation of watching everything from above, watching it all far away, for she'd lived this, she had, and she hoped not to again.

Still, Feyre did linger, was one change okay? She did fall back, Nesta and Elain hurrying on, and dropped her voice to talk to the acolytes.

"Stay away from the Wall" Feyre said in a whisper, plowed on even as the acolyte looked at her patronizingly, "They eat humans" She said, and then with a sigh, knowing she wouldn't be believed, but needing to say something, anything, she moved on, "Trust me" Was all she finished with, "And stay away"

She wondered where their bones would be found.

She avoided the mercenary in the market that day, not wanting to hear the conversations about evil High Lords and different Fae, Feyre knew more than any human warrior could claim to now, and she didn't want to slip up and defend any High Lord, especially the one who was her mate.

Instead, she dealt with the cobbler and silk maker, got less coin, handed more to Elain and Nesta but again knew it didn't matter, they'd have their wealth soon, it was a relief, and a weight off her shoulders more, even as the rest of it threatened to bury her.

That night they ate more and Feyre didn't stop any of them going for the seconds, they were all selfish enough not to question it. They giggled and laughed together, Nesta and Elain, their Father remained caught in his own fog as always, and Feyre, heart heavy knew what was coming, and waited, waited.

She still flinched at the roar that sounded as the door broke down, felt her heart hammer, and knew, knew the time had come.

Tamlin was here.

She was going back to Prythian.

She was going home.

my poor bby girl ;-;

feyre is gunna go THROUGH IT be warned, we will have diversions from canon and they won't always be nice

I do hope you're enjoying this, do follow/fav and review if you are!