Please note that I am taking some liberties with the lore of Hazbin/Helluva Boss to go with my story. Also, some of the comments are based on peoples' opinions, not actual facts, nor are they my views. I apologize if anyone is offended.
Chapter Two: Break Downs
Vox finally arrived at the hotel that Little Miss Sunshine and Rainbows, better known as Charlie Morningstar, was using to try and redeem sinners. Pft! A waste of time and it made her look like the biggest idiot in all of the Seven Rings and beyond in Vox's opinion.
But the distraction by Alastor's voice as it appeared once more on the air had delayed his departure. His hate for his old rival had gotten the best of him much like Valentino.
While radio wasn't as popular a format any longer compared to television and other mediums, there were still some groups in Hell that were stuck in their ways from their time period. Cannibal Town, Old New York, and Sin City were the three major ones he had not successfully penetrated despite his efforts. Vox couldn't allow the Radio Demon to regain the attention of the masses from his seven-year absence. Many likely wouldn't listen, but Vox couldn't take that chance; he had no intention of sharing the spotlight with Alastor anymore!
But their brief broadcast skirmish hadn't gone well for Vox. Vox's medium might be more popular, but Alastor hadn't lost his touch despite his sudden departure. It unnerved Vox to no end.
Alastor couldn't be allowed to make any deals with Charlie Morningstar, the Radio Demon staying at her hotel was already bad enough. The possibility of the Radio Demon having the daughter of the King of Hell in his pocket was worse.
If only it ended there.
Learning that the Angelslayer and the Right Hand of God were also there had caused him to freeze, Vox recalled. Alastor was bad enough. The addition of the other two was a nightmare of untold fuckery! So, now Vox had to make certain that his on-and-off-again lover didn't fuck up everything they built.
If Valentino died, well, that would be very unfortunate and a blow to the Vees, but it was livable. Usually, when a demon died and they held soul contracts to their name, those contracts became null and void. But the more powerful and innovative demons knew there were ways around that. When the Vees formed their unholy alliance, any contract made by one of the Vees would go to a surviving Vee if they died, provided that they didn't die by one of the Vees hands in any shape or form.
Having their media empire go in flames? Vox would kill the Porno Demon with his own hands.
KABOOM!
Vox turned himself into pure energy and managed to get out of harm's way. The area where he once stood now sporting a battered Valentino. Getting a closer look, Vox was stunned by the state of the incredibly tall moth-like demon. He was bruised, one of his arms was missing, another was at an awkward angle and most definitely broken, his glasses were gone, his suit singed and he sported a nasty gash to the point Vox could see part of his intestines.
"F-f-u-u-ck," Valentino managed to gasp before he lost consciousness.
Looking back at the Hotel, Vox saw a pair of dark red glowing eyes coming piercing through the smoke and dust and found himself scared shitless. The Television Demon knew he was outmatched and grabbed his fellow Vee and turned both of them into pure energy to escape through the nearby powerlines.
"Well, that was boring," spoke Kurama, the demon fox had been hoping for a challenge. That had been anything but. Picking shit out of his ear was more challenging. Whirling around, Kurama spotted a group of confused hotel residents, "Yo!"
"Who da fuck are you!?" Angel summed up all their thoughts.
"Got wax in your ear, kid? Name's Kurama. Ooh, arm! I'm starving!"
Everyone watched in morbid fascination as Kurama grabbed one of the arms he had ripped off Valentino and proceeded to devour the entire thing, bone and all, "Hmm. Could have used some hot sauce."
"Again, da fuck!"
"What have you done with my beloved!" Michelle demanded, her discarded sword once more in her hands.
"Like I said, the brat's taking a nap. That stunt he pulled earlier exhausted him," Kurama had no idea why but he was curious. Naruto was a stamina demon of epic proportions. Fortunately, said stunt also enabled Kurama to make himself known to the world once more.
"What are you? A parasite? Can I stab you?" Niffty asked.
"PARASITE!?" Kurama bellowed, the shout knocking everyone except Michelle on their asses, and sending the small one-eyed demon slamming into the wall.
"Yay! Pain!" Niffty cheered, rushing back to her previous spot, "Do it again!"
"... You're not exactly all there are you, short stack?" well, if that's what she wanted, who was he to argue with?
"Flatterer," Niffty blushed.
"Niffty, step away from the ...whatever he is," ordered Vaggie.
"Why?"
"Because...uh... because you have debris to clean up!" Vaggie pointed at the damaged wall the mini-cyclops crashed into.
"Oh, my!" fortunately Niffty bought the excuse and swiftly began cleaning up the mess.
"Brat still keeps interesting company it seems," Kurama commented, and then his form wavered, "Ah, shit. Looks like my times up."
"Uh, are you okay?" Charlie asked, worried and confused.
"It's fine. Do me and the brat a favor will ya? Keep an eye on us... Thanks," Kurama surmised that whatever left Naruto drained also had an effect on him as well. Unable to hold it off any longer, Kurama's form shifted before it reverted back into Naruto's
Thud!
And then proceeded to fall face-first to the ground.
...
"... One of us probably should have caught 'im," Angel Dust broke the ice.
"I'm a bartender. Not a fucking trust exercise coordinator," Husk told Angel. The former overlord's comment gave Charlie an idea for later.
"Darling!" the group heard Michelle call out, rushing to Naruto's downed form and carrying him bridal style.
"Okay, that's just messed up on so many levels," Husk commented.
"Ha! Guess we know who's the top and who's the bottom," it was funny as hell in Angel's opinion.
"Woah, woah, woah, woah! Where do you think you're going," Vaggie asked when she saw Michelle made for the exit.
"Uh, Heaven? Where else would I go? Hell is no place for him to recuperate," Michelle stated as a matter of fact, "It's not like you have any hospitals."
"We have hospitals!" Charlie told her aunt. Not much given demons would heal on their own and put themselves back together but the more messed up one was the longer it took. Hence hospitals were made to speed up the process.
"We do? First time I'm hearing of it," Angel said.
"Okay, seriously! How is it that you've been here longer than me but I know more than you?" Vaggie asked and got a nonchalant shrug from the freed spider demon.
"I mean hospitals where you get properly healed instead of looking like a Picasso painting afterwards," Michelle elaborated. She might not know much about Hell but she knew some things. Eight out of ten hospitals in Hell were more Frankenstein-related in terms of treatment unless it came to treating demons at the top of the hierarchy.
"Oh... Yeah, we don't have those," Charlie admitted, "But Vaggie's right! You can't take him to Heaven. Pretty sure demons aren't allowed up there."
"Uh, I'm an archangel, remember? We're second in command up there only to dad. Pretty sure they're not gonna have much of a say in the matter," Michelle explained.
"True," again, Charlie couldn't dispute that, "But how do you think Naruto will react when he realizes he's there? He's not exactly Heaven's biggest fan," and vice versa, too.
On that, Michelle couldn't come up with an excuse, "Ugh, fine! Where's our room?"
"Right this-Wait a minute. Our room?" since when did that happen, Charlie wondered.
"It's only natural your future uncle and I stay in the same room," Michelle beamed, saying it as though it were a matter of fact.
Future uncle?!
"Uh, ain't you like a million years old or someting? Fugget robbin' the cradle, your robbin' the freaken' fetus," Angel pointed out.
There was an image everyone could sorely do without.
"It's impolite to ask a lady her age. Besides, Lilith's not even a fraction as old as Luci," Michelle pointed out. And she knew Lilith wore the pants in that relationship.
Angel conceded to that but it also led to more questions he had.
But first, some celebratory blow for his newfound freedom.
(Sometime Later)
"DO YOU HAVE ANY FUCKING IDEA HOW MUCH YOU FUCKED UP!" Vox furiously exploded, not caring that Valentino was still recovering and bandaged up.
"I-"
"NO! You don't talk! You sit your ass and keep your fucking mouth shut until I tell you. I don't want to hear any of your bullshit! The only reason you're still alive is because nobody knows what happened," no one lived close to the Princess of Hell's hotel so no one knew what went on. If anything the Vees could simply spin it as Pentious attacking them.
"I get Angel's a hot commodity and he makes us good money, but wat the bloody fucken' 'ell were you thinking?! Oh, wait, I forgot, you need a brain for that," Velvette insulted her fellow Vee, "Because, if you had a brain, you wouldn't have attacked the Angelslaying Stud or the bloody fucking archangel if you did."
"Thank you, Velvette," Vox acknowledged, "You're lucky to be alive, Val. Lucky I got there before the Angelslayer-"
"It wasn't the fucking Angelslayer!"
"What did I...Come again?"
"Wait, you went after the colour-blind bitch? The archangel?! Oh, brilliant. Well, we're more fucked than a penny-pence whore," Velvette surmised.
"Wasn't that bitch either! Gah!" Valentino winced, his stomach wound flaring up something fierce, "It was someone else. Some shit called...Oh, fuck, what was his name? Kura? Mana? Hakuna? Oh, who fucking cares! Point is, Little Miss Sunshine's got herself some bodyguards she can hide behind. And one of them came out of the fucking Angelslayer."
"... Okay, back the fuck up. You're telling me something came out of the Angelslayer?" that was new.
"You taking the piss?"
"I FUCKING KNOW WHAT I SAW!" Valentino shouted, groaning once more, "After I started shooting-"
"YOU FUCKING SHOT AT THEM!?" Vox knew Valentino had an angelic weapon but didn't believe he was that stupid. If Lucifer learned of this they'd have more than a handful to deal with.
"I'm gonna kill 'im. I'm gonna fucken' kill 'im!" Velvette would go through with it. She was the backbone of the trio for a reason.
"The gun did fuck all!"
"What? How? Angelic guns are ... you stupid fuck," Vox realized what happened, "You used ordinary bullets!"
"How was I supposed to know angel bullets were needed?"
"Everyone knows that piss-for-brains!" Velvette couldn't believe it. She felt her IQ going down just listening to this.
"Whatever! Anyway, once I learned the gun was fucking useless, this fuck all of a sudden starts coming out of the Angelslayer, or took over his body, or whatever the fuck he did, and the next thing I know I lose a fucking arm and my guts are hanging out! "
"You're welcome by the way," Vox still never got a thanks for saving the moth demon's stupid ass.
"What I'm curious about is why you started shooting," sure, Valentino didn't really need a reason to do so given his sadistic tendencies, but Velvette had to ask, "Weren't you jus' getting Angel?"
"BECAUSE THAT FUCKING CUNT DESTROYED MY CONTRACT WITH ANGEL!" Valentino coughed up blood and was forced to lie down.
"...What did you just say," Vox whispered, not believing what he just heard.
"You heard me."
"That's impossible! Soul contracts are indestructible! Did 'e force you to rip up Angel's contract?" Velvette could see Valentino losing his shit if he did.
"No! He broke the damn thing with a fucking sword," Valentino elaborated.
Vox was contemplative. This was bad news. But it was also an opportunity, "You said the Angelslayer lost consciousness, right? Did that happen after the contract was destroyed?"
Valentino nodded, "Right after. Prick fell to his knees and then passed out."
"What are you thinking, Vox?" sure, the Angelslayer was fine eye candy and hot shit right now but the revelation made her wary. Anyone with the power to destroy something as powerful as soul contracts was someone you didn't want to cross. Only the King of Hell was believed to have that power, not that it was ever proven.
"Well, the Angelslayer is shacking up with Lucifer's brat in that little hotel of hers, and that airhead is trying to redeem sinners-"
"What's your point?"
"My point, my dear Velvette, is this. Destroying the contract clearly left the Angelslayer weak and vulnerable. Unfortunately, this...entity he has inside him acts as a defense of sorts. So, attacking him directly isn't going to work. Even more, if he recovers. Now, we might have been able to get Lucifer to do something about this but SOMEONE just had to start shooting an angelic weapon at his daughter!" Vox glared at Valentino, who looked unrepentant, "So that ship's sailed. But what if we destroy his reputation instead? Make it so that people don't want to go to him? Most already don't. They're scared of him," Vox explained.
"That's true," being the social network expert of the three Velvette knew that while many respected the Angelslayer for what he did, that was outweighed by their fear of him. Powerful demons like the Sins, the Goetia, the Royal Family, and the other high-class hellborn weren't exactly individuals people would approach given their standing and reputation. Even the overlords had that kind of rep. And it was clear that the Angelslayer was above them. How, was a question Velvette was dying to know.
"So, we discreetly make everyone in Hell aware of what he can do and the implications. We'll start with our fellow overlords, let their fear of losing their hold over their underlings and they'll prevent any they have under contract with from going to him. A little fib here and there and no one will go near that place. Hell, even if any under contract does go to him it's unlikely he'll be able to repeat the process quickly enough for their liking. They'll hate his guts for that alone," eighty percent of sinners in the Pride Ring were under contract with someone anyway. And the rest that weren't? Well, most unlikely had any desire to redeem themselves anyway. Most were in Hell because they deserved it anyway.
"But we need more information. We need someone on the inside. And clearly, Angel's out," the freed pornstar would unlikely be willing to spy for them. Especially with how Valentino treated the whore at times.
"Someone pathetic, desperate, but with no direct ties to us?" while she was the backbone of the trio, Velvette didn't like this, it was risky, to say the least. They were going to go against a very powerful individual with thought to be impossible capabilities. That said, she also didn't want to lose any of the power and privilege she painstakingly acquired over the years.
"I employ every down-on-their-luck loser this side of Hell. Who the fuck is left?" Valentino added.
Vox laughed. He knew just the one.
"Besides, this shit needs to be taught a lesson! He fucking robbed Angel from me! I made him! ME! Contract or not he belongs to me!"
"All in due time, Val," Vox placated, "Angel's gone, for now. Going after him isn't the answer. We need to make him come to us. Is there anything you have over him that leaves Angel with no choice but to come crawling back?"
"Ha! Unlikely. That lanky prick...Wait...Ohohohoho. Actually, there may be one," Valentino had a vicious grin. Oh, this was gonna be fun. And when he did come crawling back, Valentino was gonna make Angel suck his steel cock for..."Hey! Where the fuck's my gun?"
(Almost Five Hours Later)
"Admit it, I make dis thing look sexy wit me," Angel held the angelic weapon as though it were a toy. The words 'Valentino' were inscribed on the side of the barrel. The spider demon had gone outside for some fresh air, and to clear his inflamed nostrils when he found it. Apparently, Naruto had switched every stash he had with itching powder. Bastard! Were Naruto not recuperating and the fact that Angel owed the blond stud big-time the spider-demon would have gotten back at him.
"Angel, put the gun down nice and easy," a nervous Charlie asked while she and everyone else were taking cover behind whatever they could.
"Uh, did ya fugget that dis ting's useless without angel bullets?" Angel pointed out.
"It's still a gun," Vaggie reasoned. Sure, it wouldn't kill them without said bullets but it would still hurt like hell. Gunshot wounds hurt regardless of who one was. More so since it was a holy weapon.
"Killjoy," Angel muttered, putting the weapon away.
"Why you still here anyway?" Husk asked, "Thought that without your leash you'd have fucked off already," Husk was gonna have to ask Naruto if he could do the same to him.
"I'm unemployed, broke, and I got no place to stay. Where da fuck am I supposed to go?" Angel pointed out.
"A ditch?" it was a fair point, but it was better than here where he annoyed Husk every damn day.
"Fuck you, Whiskers! You know you'd miss this," Angel posed.
"I'd miss you like I'd miss flea bites!" that had not been a fun experience.
"You sure it weren't herpes?"
"Grrr," Husk looked ready to throttle the spider-demon.
"Angel, let Husk do his job. And Husk...try not to give Angel an opening," Vaggie advised.
"I can fill it if he-"
"DON'T YOU DARE!" neither Husk nor Vaggie wanted that image in their heads.
"What's with the yelling?"
Everyone looked to the second floor and saw Naruto along with Michelle, and, to their surprise, the being that had come out of him.
"Hello, gorgeous," Angel cat called.
Kurama blinked, and then looked at Naruto, "Can I eat him?"
"No! I'm still pissed you did that in my body!" Naruto had thrown up when he learned of it. All that ramen, gone.
"Eat me? Well, ain't you kinky!"
Kurama had a tick mark, "Can I at least maul him?"
Naruto paused, "...I'll think about it," if only to get Angel to stop flirting with him.
Kurama's fanged grin exceeded Alastor's; Angel wasn't so sure of himself right now.
"Naruto! You should be resting!"
"I'm fine. I heal pretty quickly," Naruto waved Charlie off, "It's not a big deal."
"Not a big deal! You destroyed a fucking soul contract!"
"...Yeah? So?" Again, Naruto didn't understand why that was a big deal.
"THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO DO! THEY'RE INDESTRUCTIBLE!" Vaggie could not believe how nonchalant he was about this.
"Vaggie's right. Only the contractor can do that," Charlie told him.
"Trust me. You'll quickly learn that impossible doesn't mean shit to this brat," Kurama knew that from experience.
"...That doesn't make any damn sense!"
"Tell me about it," Kurama had long ago given up on trying to understand it.
"I think I know, darling," Michelle interjected, and all eyes were now on her, "My sword."
"Your sword?"
"An archangel's weapon is an immensely powerful artifact. Few things exceed them in terms of raw power. If angel weapons are bunker-buster missiles, then archangel weapons are Tsar Bomba nukes," Michelle explained and all but Naruto and Kurama understood the reference. Well, the nuke part they understood.
"Fuck," Vaggie heard of overkill but this was uberkill.
"So, that sword is what destroyed the contract?" Husk eyed the weapon.
"Yes. But to use that level of destructive capability is something only a being with Archangel-level power or more can do. If anyone else tried, they'd kick the bucket well before they even got close," which only served as a further testament to Naruto's immense power.
"Shit," there went Husk's plan.
"Either way...thanks," Angel was more than grateful.
His contract had been made as a way for him to get fame, and he got it but Valentino had placed a lot of clauses and sub-clauses that Angel had been ignorant of. It made him the moth demon's bitch for years, forcing him to endure constant abuse, and forcing him to come up with anything he could to try and convince Valentino to drop him. Nothing worked. And now? Now after years of taking Val's shit, he was free in the most unexpected way.
"Angel, did you just-"
"I know wat I said! I need a shower," Angel hardly ever thanked anyone before.
"Aww! Angel, I'm so proud of you!" Charlie hugged him.
"Ugh! Do ya mind? I got a rep 'ere?!" Angel was starting to regret saying anything, "...Yer not lettin' me go are ya?"
"Nope!" Charlie held on tight despite the pornstar's attempt to remove her.
"Someone got a crowbar!? The jaws 'o life? Lube!?" Angel was struggling with his attempts to get out of Charlie's surprisingly strong grip. Even with his retractable arms, he had no luck removing her.
"Yeah, you're not getting out of that any time soon," Vaggie was enjoying this immensely, the others laughed at Angel's misfortune.
"I fucken hate you all!"
"No, you don't!" Charlie continued smiling and hugging.
"Aaaahhhh!"
"Like I said, brat. You keep interesting company," Kurama commented.
"How do you know my beloved anyway?" Michelle asked Kurama.
"You two fuck buddies or someting?" Angel stated.
"The fuck!" him and the brat? Not a chance!
"LISTEN TO NARUTO: NOT GAY!" how many times did have to repeat himself before that sunk in?
"Angel!" Charlie let go of him.
"Sucka! Knew dat would wawhk!" Angel gloated; Charlie pouted.
"First off, I am gonna maul him later," Kurama told Naruto.
"Don't let me stop you."
"And, to answer your question," Kurama looked at Michelle, "I've been with the brat ever since he was a whiny little shit."
"What does that mean?" Michelle didn't care for cryptic answers. Never had and never will.
"It means what it means," Kurama knew the answer irritated the archangel that wanted to jump Naruto's bones, "Anything else?"
"I got one. What are you?" Husk could honestly say he never met a demon like Kurama.
"I'm the Kyubi no Yoko (Nine-Tailed Demon Fox)."
"Da hell does dat mean?" Angel directed the query towards Husk.
"Japanese is rusty, but I think it means Nine-Tailed ... Demon Tiger?" Husk guessed the last word.
"Demon Fox," the fuck was a demon tiger?
"Fox? Yer a fox? Uh, no offence, but ya don't look like one. If anything ya look like a hu-Whoa-ly shit!"
Angel was eating his words as Kurama's form shifted into his usual form: an incredibly towering, orange, nine-tailed fox, one whose head reached the second floor and took up much of the space in the lobby.
"And do I NOW!" Kurama's voice echoed.
"Uh, okay, we believe you. Um, do you mind, turning back," Charlie asked. Razzle and Dazzle were growling at the giant fox, seeing him as a threat to their princess.
"Just try it, you little shits," Kurama licked his lips.
"Okay, you proved your point. Enough of that," Naruto snapped his fingers.
"No, no, no, no!" Kurama was suddenly forced back into his human form, "Damn it, brat! How many times do I have to tell you not to do that!"
"Oh, bitch, bitch, bitch," Naruto heard it all before.
"How'd you do that?"
"A perk of being together for as long as we have," Naruto told them, not that it actually explained anything.
"Yeah, I'm still curious how that's even possible," Vaggie recalled Kurama telling them that he and Naruto were together since he was 'a whiny little shit' and guessed he meant baby.
"Maybe if you're good we'll tell you," Kurama patted Vaggie's hair.
"I'll explain later," Naruto promised.
"...Seriously? Why do you have to bust balls?"
"Why do you have to be a grouchy old douche?"
"Why do you have to be a little asshole!"
"Why do you-"
"Hold it. Before yous go too far, I've got a question I've been meanin' to get off ma chest for a while now," Angel Dust declared
"Okay, fine! I kissed a guy once! But that was by accident and it doesn't count! Ya happy!?"
"...Okay, good ta know, not wat I was gonna ask," Angel grinned at the reveal, "Dis is a question fer 'er."
"Me?" Michelle asked.
"Yeah. You toots."
"Um...okay. And that is?"
"Was Christ real?"
Ooh, as far as questions went, that was a good one.
"... Have to admit, I'm curious myself," Husk always wondered what the answer was.
"Christ?/Christ?" neither Naruto nor Kurama knew who that was. Both were simply confused.
Michelle looked annoyed, "Oh, for the love of... I hate being asked that question, but seeing as how you're close friends to my niece-"
"I wouldn't go dat far, but go on," Angel interrupted, which caused Charlie to whine.
"Whatever! Look, I'm only gonna say this once. Yes, and no. There was a guy called Jesus from way back when who went around healing people and did a lot of good shit but a lot of the stuff he's remembered for along with the whole a virgin giving birth to him and him being the Son of God was either blown out of proportion or just a load of made up crap to make him appear divine. And a bunch of idiots bought it. But what can you expect from a species that initially thought the Earth was flat, thought science was black magic, and intelligent women were sleeping with the Devil ... Okay, that last one wasn't too far off. Your mom and dad loved their orgi-"
"Lalalalalala! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" despite her chanting Charlie had never been so green and even Vaggie's comforting pats on the back did little to sto-Oh, God! The mental pictures just came through! She did not wish to know her mother was that limber...nor her father, for that matter.
"You didn't know? Whoops! My bad. Hehe...Oh, boy," Michelle laughed awkwardly, knowing Charlie would unlikely be able to look at her parents the same way again.
"Keep going! Dis is good shit!" Angel was loving every second of this.
"Angel!" Charlie was not. Her need to hurl now rearing its ugly head.
Fortunately for Charlie's sanity, Michelle went back to the topic at hand, "Anyway, dad didn't think the whole Jesus thing was that big a deal initially but when early Christianity began using His name as an excuse to justify some of their more vile actions the old man wasn't exactly thrilled. Especially when it came to the holy wars."
"So, he was pissed, huh?"
"He allowed the Four Horsemen to go nuts during the Dark and Middle Ages. That was a little over a millennium. 'nough said," Michelle told a flabbergasted group. Again, Naruto and Kurama had no idea what they were talking about.
"Shit!" and Angel thought Val could be vindictive.
"Yeah, the old man's punishments can be…harsh, to put it lightly. Countless centuries later and the asses of the archangels still flare up every once in a while. Trust me. You don't want to be spanked by God," Michelle knew firsthand that it hurt, a lot.
"I wouldn't mind," Angel said salaciously.
"...I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that and give you one free pass," the look in Michelle's eye told Angel not to test her.
"Got it!" was the spider demon's wise response.
"Why would you want to get spanked anyway?" Michelle was confused, her experience with sex was very limited to the basics. Top and bottom.
"Seriously? Ya don't know?" at her shake of the head, Angel smiled, "It's a sex thing. Spices things up and wit da right partner can be a real turn-on in the bedroom!" Angel explained, a recollection of past activities going through his mind.
"Really? It makes you feel good?" a curious Michelle looked at Naruto.
"No."
"Okay, yous sure yer straight?" Angel Dust had never met a guy who would pass off the opportunity to have sex when it was literally jumping in his lap.
"I had a wife and five kids!"
"Ha! Good cover!" wouldn't be the first time Angel heard that excuse.
"For the last time, Angel! I. AM. STRAIGHT!" Naruto didn't know how often he'd have to repeat himself until that got through.
"Ya sure?" Angel was skeptical.
"As sure as those two are a couple," Naruto pointed at Vaggie and Charlie.
"You're gay?" Michelle looked at her niece.
"Oh, uh, bi, actually," Charlie told her aunt, not knowing how she'd react.
"Oh, don't get me wrong. We've got more than a few of those in Heaven. Not much but we do," that caused everyone but Naruto and Kurama to blink.
"Wait, so, gays can get in ta Heaven? I thought that was like going against yer morals or some shit?" Angel knew that most of Hell's population were either gay, bi, or something like that while straight people were in the minority so he just assumed.
"Well, I mean, it was in the beginning but it wasn't enough to stop someone from getting in."
"What about premarital sex?"
"Ha! Please. More than three-fifths of Heaven's population had sex before marriage," Michelle told them.
Huh, interesting, were the thoughts of many present. Again, Naruto and Kurama were ignorant.
"You seriously didn't know?"
"It's not like Heaven sends us a newsletter or pamphlet on the dos and don'ts. Why would we?" Charlie asked her aunt.
"Well, you're dating an angel. I just assumed she would have told you this."
Everyone stopped what they were doing, their eyes whipping to Vaggie who was trying to make herself look small.
"...Vaggie?"
"...Oh, shit, you didn't know," Fuck!
Needless to say, it was clear that Michelle was very bad when it came to making assumptions.
(Meanwhile In Heaven)
"God damn it!" okay, so Adam was starting to realize that while getting the go-ahead to use the leviathans was one thing, learning how to get said leviathans to listen to them was easier said than done.
"That's the fifth exterminator we lost in the last hour, sir," Lute stated.
"Oh, really, I couldn't fucking tell!" but they had no choice. Sera gave him only one chance. One! If the next Extermination failed then that was it.
No more Extermination Day. No bi-annual or annual trips to Hell to have their fun. Nadda! If he and his bitches fucked up again, that was it.
And Adam wasn't having it! He loved killing demons. Loved how they begged for mercy, how they died, how they hopelessly fled for their loves! And there was one demon in particular he wished to see dead more than any. Adam was hard just thinking about it! The First Man made a mental note to have one of his bitches, or two, come see him later. He had done it with Lute as she was his most devoted but Adam regretted doing so. Lute got clingy. Adam didn't do clingy.
"Trouble Adam?"
"Woah! Jesus, Sera you gotta stop doing that!" Adam exclaimed, hating it whenever she pulled that stunt.
"Your Highness," Lute bowed to the High Seraphim, "It's barely been a day. We have time to make leeway."
"Oh, God, help!"
CRUNCH.
Well, there went exterminator number six.
Sera wasn't convinced and had a look of disgust as her gaze landed upon the vilest of God's creatures. Initially nothing more than the size of a wolf, the leviathans had mutated thanks to Lucifer's folly. Now they were incredibly large quadruped and biped-like creatures that lacked eyes, had pickle-green skin with red marks, immense jaws that dripped an acidic drool, and jagged yellow teeth inside and even outside their mouths, many of which were broken. They were abominations. She couldn't understand why the Almighty didn't wipe them out. She already had reservations when it came to the Purge, necessary evil though it was given Hell's ever-expending populace, but had even greater reservations when it came to allowing Adam and the army to use the leviathans. To say they were dangerous was like saying archangels were strong. Huge understatement.
Speaking of which, "Have you heard anything from Lady Michelle."
"Not since she tried fucking the demon prick in front of us," Adam had been mad about that on so many levels.
"I read the report," it confused Sera to no end why Lady Michelle would debase herself that way, but it wasn't her place to question the methods of the archangels. They were an odd bunch, to be certain. Powerful, but odd. But the revelation of such a demon, a supposed sinner no less, with that much power, unnerved the High Seraphim greatly.
CRUNCH!
"Oh, God, my legs! My legs!" and now number seven was crippled. Meh! She didn't need legs to fight.
"For your sake, I'd better see results in three months time. If not, I won't allow it to go through. Three months, Adam," Sera told him.
"Got it!"
"It will be done Your Highness," Lute bowed.
Sera said no more and disappeared in a show of light.
"We won't be able to do this in three months."
"You wanna FUCKING SAY THAT AGAIN!" Adam grabbed Lute.
"I don't want to admit it either, sir. I'd rather shove a broken sword up my ass!"
"Woah, fuck sakes, Lute. TMI," Adam didn't need to know that.
"Sir, the leviathans are powerful creatures that even the archangels are weary of and they are the only ones who can even remotely control them."
"You saying I can't!"
"I'm saying, sir, that we might need to consider getting help," Lute said.
"That's just another way of saying I can't fucking do this!"
"Sir, do you want the Seraphim to cancel your favourite day of the year?"
"Hell no!" but Adam was too proud to get help either.
"We might not have a choice then," Lute explained.
CRUNCH!
"We also can't keep losing exterminators, either," it took months of intense training to see if a like-minded angel was qualified to be one and said numbers were usually low. Those that didn't make the cut were initially silenced discreetly. When she learned of it, Sera had since put a stop to that by wiping their memories instead, a fact Lute didn't care for. If one wasn't up to the task of being an exterminator then what use were they to Heaven?
Adam was torn. On the one hand, he didn't want to ask for help. Only pussies asked for help! Getting authorization to use the leviathans wasn't help, that was just making them even more awesome than they were. On the other hand, "Fuck! All right. If we can't fucking get these shits under control in a month, we'll look around."
"Already have one person in my mind, sir."
"Shit! Already?" talk about fucking convenient, "Who?'
"...You're not gonna like it," Lute hesitated.
"I'll be the fucking judge of that. Spill!" Adam ordered.
"Your ex."
"FUCK. NO!" Adam didn't like it.
"Lilith's voice is a powerful tool, sir."
"Don't have to tell me," she was a grade-A cunt, but Adam couldn't deny that Lilith had a pretty sweet mouth and a decent set of lungs, too.
"If we can get her to-"
"I ain't gonna go to her for fucking help. You honestly think she would?"
"If she wants her deal to remain intact."
"HA! You don't know the bitch as well as I do," deal or no deal, Lilith wouldn't help. Not with this at least.
"...There is someone else."
"And you brought up my ex first, why?"
"Because this person is many times worse," Lute told him.
"Uh, okay, I'll bite. Who?"
"War."
"...What was the first option again?" Adam would admit that option B was worse than going to Lilith. That red-dressed bitch was fucking nuts! One was lucky enough to get a meeting with her. Luckier still if they came back alive.
The Four Horsemen were one of the few beings that could outmatch the archangels in terms of power.
(An Hour Later in Hell)
The screaming match between Vaggie and Charlie after the unintentional reveal had been heard throughout the entire hotel. Naruto and Michelle had awkwardly tried not to listen in, while the rest, Kurama included, ate popcorn as though they were watching a movie. Jerks! Both Charlie and Vaggie had since left. Charlie had claimed it was to go and convince new recruits to join, and while true many knew it was mainly for Charlie and Vaggie to cool off and collect themselves. And one archangel was feeling incredibly guilty.
"Oh, I fucked up big time," Michelle felt like utter crap.
"Dat's putten it lightly," Angel's comment had Michelle leave the lobby and make her way up the stairs.
"Not helping Angel!" Naruto told him. Sure, he didn't care for Michelle's advances but that didn't mean one should beat a dead horse.
"Wat? I'm agreeing wit 'er! Besides she's a tough chick."
"Ever heard of 'silence is gold?'" Naruto asked.
"Meh."
"How about 'shut up, or I'll punch your face in?'. Ever heard that one?" Kurama gave his two cents.
Angel wisely held back any retorts this time.
Naruto went after Michelle, damn his bleeding heart and a soft spot for crying women, and found the archangel in her room, a room Michelle received after her failed attempt to convince her niece to allow her to stay in the same room as the object of her affection. Naruto realized it was quite spartan. Large, but spartan. There was only a very large bed and a section that was clearly meant for training purposes. Given that Michelle was a warrior, and Heaven's best fighter, Naruto shouldn't have been surprised.
The archangel was currently punching what Naruto could sense was a highly reinforced and magically imbued dummy. Her movements were fast, strong, and precise. There were no wasteful movements and her blows were solid and firm.
"Go away," Michelle told him.
Oh, sure, now she didn't him near her, "Not happening."
BAM! The sound of the blow reminded Naruto a lot of Tsunade-baachan's.
But Michelle didn't know that, "That it?"
Michelle stopped, "What?"
"I'm asking if that was it. I mean for someone claiming to be Heaven's greatest warrior that was a pretty weak punch."
"Weak!" Michelle was insulted. She was far from weak.
"Prove me wrong," Naruto entered the training area and entered a stance, "Or are those chicken wings behind your back?"
Michelle gaped at him for the sheer audacity of the comment, but she complied nonetheless. Despite towering over Naruto by a good four feet, the blond Jinchuriki didn't waver when the blows were finally exchanged.
Despite their initial bout ending in her defeat, Michelle was proving exactly why she was called Heaven's Greatest Warrior. Her blows were furious, wild, and fast that many would not be able to keep up, but despite how her arms moved it was clear the control she had over her attacks. It made Naruto think of Rock Lee and Might Guy if he was honest. But Naruto had senjutsu training and mastery over a Tailed-Beast's chakra with intent sensing capabilities.
The blows she shot at him were either dodged or blocked and the odd parry and counter here and there were sent her way. Most of them were blocked, others not so much. Neither of them were going all out. If they did, the Hazbin Hotel would be no more than rubble, and that would make Charlie cry. And Naruto hated to see crying women. Damn, Ero-sennin and his stupid lessons on chivalry towards women.
"Oh, nice one!" and it was. The kick clipped his eyebrow.
"Thanks," Michelle accepted the compliment.
Seeing how she had perked up, Naruto got to the point, "Look. You messed up. You're flawed. So what? I couldn't tell you how many times I made an ass outta of myself assuming things."
"I can!" Kurama chimed in.
"Shut up!...Wait a minute! OOOFF!" Naruto felt a kick land on his stomach that sent him into the wall with a loud bang. Luckily the room was reinforced, "...Ow."
"Oh, shit! Are you okay!" Michelle helped him down.
Instead of answering, Naruto marched to the door, opened it, and saw Kurama, Angel, and Niffty listening in, "The Hell guys!"
"BAIL!" all three ran.
"Assholes!" Naruto made a mental note to prank their asses.
"Kehahahahahaha!" Michelle laughed, "Oh, I needed that. Thanks."
"No prob."
"Also, Michelle one, Naruto one."
"What? That didn't count! I was distracted!" Naruto knew it was a weak argument though.
"Doesn't matter. Distracted or not, you lost," Michelle teased him.
"Rematch!" Naruto demanded. Nearly one-hundred and seventy or not, the blond still had his competitive streak.
"Gladly!" Michelle grinned. She was gonna enjoy this.
(A few minutes later)
Angel glanced up from the couch watching as Charlie and Vaggie came back from their latest outing. Charlie slumped face-first onto another couch, "No luck, huh?"
"Not a single new recruit," Vaggie told him.
"Yeah, well, who wouldn't want ta spend their last days not fucken and fighten?" powerful as Naruto was the blond couldn't be everywhere at once, "So...You twos good?"
"That's none of your-"
"Vaggie, it's fine," Charlie cut her off, "Look, I'll admit I'm not ... happy, but given the circumstances...ha... it's not exactly an easy thing to tell."
"Charlie-"
"Don't! I'll be fine. Just...Just give me some time, okay?" Charlie implored.
Taking Charlie's hand, Vaggie nodded, "Take all the time you need. You know where to find me."
"Ugh, seriously? Can you twos be any cornier?" Angel felt like he was watching a bad B-rate romance movie.
"Te mataré a puñaladas! (I'll fucking stab you to death!)" Vaggie cursed.
"So, on another topic, how many showed up?" Charlie hoped it was a lot.
"Countin' the ones you brought in? Uh...nadda," Angel dashed said hopes.
"You could have just said no, Angel," Vaggie told him.
"Well, ask a stupid questi-"
Knock. Knock. Knock.
"...Yer shittin' me, right?"
Going to the hotel's entrance, Vaggie opened it to reveal someone she did not expect: Sir Pentious.
"Why, hello my dear. May-Ahhh!" the serpent demon was cut off by Vaggie punching him in the face, cowering in fear when Vaggie pointed her spear at his neck, his hat reflecting his emotions.
"Wait, wait, wait! I come in peasssse," Pentious held up a peace sign, hoping it would convince the fallen angel.
Vaggie didn't buy it, "What are you doing here?"
"Vaggie, what's the problem? Ho! Hello again!" Charlie greeted lively.
"She always this chipper?" Kurama asked Husk; noting similarities between Charlie and a much younger Naruto.
"Better get used to it," Husk handed Kurama a drink, "This helps."
"Thanks," Kurama took a swig and immediately spat it out, "The fuck kind of booze are you serving?"
"Cheap shit," it was all they had anyway. It was all they could afford.
"Clearly!" that was easily one of the worst things Kurama ever drank.
"Are you fucking nuts?" Angel was heard arguing from the doorway, "Dis chump was trying to kill us like literally six hours ago! And now you wanna bring 'im in here to live wit us?"
"Absolutely! This place is about second chances, and who deserves one more than this slithery… slippery… special little man!"
Yeah, definitely like Naruto, Kurama noted. This outta be entertaining.
"Aren't you supposed to protect this place?" Angel asked Vaggie.
The former exterminator would have agreed but Charlie gave her puppy-dog eyes, and Vaggie, still feeling guilty and hoping this would help along their reconciliation gave in, "Haa...I guess he's not much of a threat without the war machine... or even with the war machine to be honest."
"Oh," the comment saddened the inventor. He did his best damn it!
Charlie was ecstatic, "Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!" Charlie smiled and kissed Vaggie on the cheek, hugging and twirling her girlfriend around in the air. Vaggie was smiling too. So far so good at redeeming herself.
"Sir Pentious! Welcome to the Hazbin Hotel! You won't regret this!"
"Oh, no, darling! Thank you! You won't regret this."
"Ha! I give you a week, tops," Angel said.
"I'll take that action!" Husk took out a small stack of cash.
Kurama however, whispered to Vaggie as she walked by, "Watch him," the fox sensed ill-intent from the serpent. Not much, but it was there still.
Vaggie looked at the Nine-Tailed Demon Fox, and the look on his face said everything. She made a mental note to keep an eye on Pentious.
"So, this is the bar and this is Husk the bartender. This is the curtain, and this is the new wall after you broke the last one- and over here we-Ahh! Oh! Uh, here we have Alastor! Our gracious facility manager! Alastor, you've met our newest guest Sir Pentious…hehehe.." Oh, this was awkward. Of all the times for the Radio Demon to reappear.
"Ah, yes! You're the one who ruined my coat...I definitely remember you now!" Alastor's eyes glowed red, his tone sinister. Pentious gulped fearfully, having second thoughts about all this.
"Hmm, not bad," Kurama had to give credit where credit was due. Alastor had a knack for intimidation.
"Right. Well, I guess this is a great time for your first lesson: How to apologize! The first step to becoming a better person is to admit when you are wrong. Why don't you give it a try, Sir Pentious?" Charlie told him.
"Uh...Yes.. um... Mr. uh.. Radio Demon, sir. Please forgive me for attacking you and ruining your very lovely coat... uhm... here. As a token of apology," Pentious fished out and gave back the small fabric he had torn from Alastor's coat.
"Ah-ho! Not many people have been able to take even this much off me. It must have meant quite a lot to you," despite sounding appreciative, Alastor burnt the torn piece of clothing with green flames. The act left both Pentious and Charlie worried. Fortunately, Alastor did nothing else and so Charlie recommenced the hotel tour.
"Harder!" that is, until everyone heard a noise and a small shudder.
"Um, what wassss that, exactly?" Pentious asked.
"Am I wrong or did dat sound like... Nah, couldn't be...could it?"
"I'm sure it was nothing," Charlie dismissed it and continued with the tour.
"HARDER!" another, stronger shudder reverberated through the walls.
"There it isssss again!"
"Okay, we all heard dat, right!"
"I'M SURE IT'S NOTHING!" Charlie shouted, a twitch developed in her eye.
"Babe! Calm dow-"
"Relax. It's just the brat training with Michelle to cheer her up. Once he gets going he gets pretty worked up and then starts going all out," Kurama explained to some, and reminded the rest.
"Oh, right. Lame," Angel went back to his phone.
Charlie, however, was relieved, hating that her mind was in the gutter. Besides, Naruto made it clear he had no intentions for her aunt anyway, "Oh! Well, if that's the ca-"
"FUCK ME HARDER, YOU BLOND STUD!"
... Well, so much for not being interested.
"Then again, I could be wrong. WAY TO GO, BRAT!" Kurama cheered from the bar. Michelle was a very choice piece of ass. And what an ass it was.
Charlie's right eye began to twitch uncontrollably once more, "This isn't happening."
Sadly for her sanity, it was, and it got worse.
"OH, GOD! SPANK MY ASS!" Michelle yelled.
"Please don't!" Charlie prayed her grandfather allowed his only grandchild this one small merc-
SLAP!
The sound was heard loud and clear in the lobby. Okay, Charlie's grandfather was dead to her now.
"Told ya he was da bottom," Angel snarked.
"I dunno. They could be doing it doggy-"
"LALALALALALALA!" Charlie loudly chanted. She was not hearing this!
"Oh, for fuck sakes," Husk began drinking; he really wished they had stronger booze.
"Oh, my! I do hope that bed's sturdy enough," Alastor's smile was nastier than usual. The comment only served to enhance the twitching in Charlie's eye.
"Why? What are they doing?" Niffty asked him.
"AGAIN!" another loud slap was heard, followed by a loud throaty, "YEEEES!"
"Lucky bitch," Angel groused.
Another shudder was heard, followed by the loud sound of something breaking. It didn't take them much to put two and two together. So much for that that bed.
"DON'T STOP!" but Michelle's cries continued nonetheless, along with the rhythmic shudders.
"Let's go see the garden!" Charlie suddenly announced to Pentious; her face had a demented look that scared him.
"Um, I don't recall ssssseeing one out th-"
"JUST GO OUTSIDE!" a full-on demon Charlie ordered; Pentious listened.
Ding-dong!
"...We have a doorbell?" Charlie asked. Vaggie shrugged. It was news to her too.
Opening the door, everyone looked to see the form of a very tall, almost as tall as Michelle, dark-grey furred wolf-like hellhound wearing a black trench coat enter the hotel, "Buenas tardes (Good afternoon). Is this the hotel where the arcángel resides?" he asked.
"Nope! No archangel here!" Charlie denied; her twitch now back.
"HARDER!"
"...What was that?"
"A good poundi-"
"What he means to say is ... I'm sorry I didn't get your name," Charlie asked.
"Call me D," D introduced.
"D? Da hell kind 'o name is dat?"
"Angel!" Charlie chastised, "Sorry about him. So, Mr, uh, D, was it? Is that short for something?"
"It is," D grinned.
"And dat would be?"
"DEATH!" echoed the red-eyed wolf's sudden response, the walls around them distorted by the simple word, breaking like glass, and the room filled with darkness and power that was greater than even Naruto's, and all of them except Alastor and Kurama were scared, though the latter two were unnerved, "And I don't mean it metaphorically, or rhetorically or poetically or theoretically or any other fancy way. I'm Death. Straight. Up."
"OH, SHIT!" Husk and Angel hugged themselves; Niffty was left in a daze; Vaggie was standing in front of Charlie. Pentious, meanwhile-
"THIS IS AGENT PENTIOUS! I NEED BACKUP! VOX, CAN YOU HEAR ME!" a scared Pentious shouted into his watch, revealing himself to be a spy.
"Called it!" Kurama and Alastor laughed when they saw Vaggie's fear was overcome by her anger; the angel trying to skewer the snake demon with her spear.
"YOU SNEAKY SONOVA-"
"What the hell is going...uncle D?" looking up to the second floor, everyone was greeted by the sight of a naked archangel covering herself with a duvet!
"Oh, god," it was official to Charlie, this was officially one of the, if not the, worst days of her life.
"Oh! How very Greek," Alastor commented.
"'Ola, Micaela (Hello, Michelle)," Death greeted his niece; his oppressive aura now gone, and the room returned to normal, "Cómo has estado? (How have you been)?"
"Well, I was in the middle of something amazing, uncle. Do you have to do that every time you introduce yourself?"
"I needed my power fix."
"Wait, back da fuck up! Death's yer uncle? Death! As in the spooky skull, black-robed, scythe-wielding guy that comes for ya when you've kicked the bucket?! Dis guy!?"
"I mean, he's been around for as long as dad, so for all intended purposes... Yeah, pretty much," Michelle revealed, and he was also one of the only beings on par with the Almighty, too.
"You've got one fucked up family tree, ya know dat?" Angel told Charlie.
"You don't have to tell me," Charlie had a hard time enough time wrapping her head around the first time she'd been told that Death was her Great-Uncle. She had never met him, and even if she did she couldn't remember. Death had a habit of changing his appearance every now and then. The whole 'death comes in many forms' thing he had going on.
"Uncle D, why are you here?"
"Simple, miha. I've come to see the man who I hear has finally caught my niece's eye. To see if he's worthy of her," Death's chuckle turned everyone's spines into pure ice.
"And if he isn't?" Kurama asked.
Death merely took out a pair of wicked scythes, and chuckled, "Then I hope he had a good life."
Few beings had ever unnerved Kurama. Madara, Hashirama, Kaguya, and even Sasuke to a minor extent to name a few, but the Shinigami had been the one that unnerved him the most. And this guy was the Death God's equal by how much he unnerved the two-thousand-year-old Tailed-Beast.
"Can I at least finish having sex before you meet him?" Michelle's reply floored all but three of the hotel's residents.
"Oh, of course, my apologies for the interruption! I'll make myself comfortable. Gato! Your finest!" Death ordered; Husk wished he wasn't the bartender right now. He had the impression Death wasn't a cat person.
What Death, and everyone not including Kurama, didn't count on was Naruto's stamina. By the time Naruto and Michelle were done, the former Hokage had broken his previous record. Angel was even more jealous and Charlie's eye twitch didn't go away for days.
Another chapter folks! Kindly review and show your love to keep it going. PS. 110+ reviews on the last chapter. WOW! I thank you all very much. Let's keep it going. Please let me know what you did and didn't like.