Chapter 4: Every Action has a Reaction
(The Next Day; 179 Days until Extermination Day)
When Naruto woke up in Michelle's bed once more, and cursed Hell for being the cause, the former Hokage was surprised to find - or not find in this case, really - that Michelle wasn't in bed with him. Well, at least it meant no potential for a quickie, or further stink eye from Charlie and Vaggie either if both blonds recommenced.
The male blond quickly got dressed-
Rip!
-and sighed when he saw the state of his clothes. They had definitely seen better days. Then again, getting all hot and heavy due to having your mind clouded by the need for sex, clothes generally ended up being the casualties. Well, that and his fight with Death, too.
"And I have almost no money to replace them," much of what he did have was given to Charlie so he could stay here. Naruto was a sinner - a unique one to be sure given what he could do - but he had no intentions of getting into Heaven. Which meant he had to pay instead of staying rent free. He'd feel bad if he didn't.
If Naruto suspected his friends and loved ones to be in Heaven he'd break down the gates and damn the consequences. Heaven didn't get to make the rules after all he did and after what he just witnessed from the exterminators. Sure, many deserved to be in Hell, but Naruto also suspected some didn't and they were only here due to technicalities.
Unfortunately, given Kurama's talk Naruto knew they weren't there. Why he was here - in Hell and what was obviously a different reality - remained the unanswered question. A question he would like answered. And if that answer sucked, well, he'd deck whoever brought him here. The blond might have grown up and matured since his early days but he was still Uzumaki-freaking-Naruto, dattebayo!
But that was a mission for another day. Right now, Naruto needed two things. First and foremost, he needed to find a source of steady income. Second, he needed something to eat. He was starving.
For the former, Naruto knew he could easily rob others but robbing people wasn't his thing unless he had no choice. Oh, he would have no problem robbing others if the money caused suffering but given he wasn't exactly an expert on who and where things were he wouldn't know where to look. And it wasn't like Charlie could hire him to guard the place, she was on a piano wire-tight budget already.
Naruto didn't work for free. And even if it was for room and board, Naruto still needed money for other things, too.
Fortunately, the hunger part was easy to accomplish. Once he left the room, Naruto's nose was greeted by the delicious odour of freshly made food. Which was odd as that wasn't the usual smell that normally entered his nose.
Usually it was alcohol, dust, and cleaning products.
Arriving at the second floor balcony, Naruto saw the hotel residents gathered around a table, some looked like they were eating as if their lives depended on it. Or never ate in the first place.
"God fucking damn! Dis is friggin' delicious!" Angel bit into a sausage, and to Naruto's surprise he wasn't doing anything salacious as he devoured the rolled up piece of meat.
"I haven't eaten this well since...ever!" Husk added. He had been overlord, and a decent one too, and even then the food he ate during that time was garbage by comparison. Even the food he had as a human paled by comparison.
"Mmmhmmhmm!" Niffty appeared to be speaking but the short cyclops-like demon's mouth was full of food.
"Delectable. Reminds me of mother's Sunday breakfast," Alastor was one of the more dignified eaters. It was surprising to see him there in the first place given he preferred eating alone. But given the heavenly smell, even the Radio Demon couldn't help himself.
"This tea isssss positively divine!" Pentious couldn't recall when he had such an amazing Earl Grey.
"Best. Breakfast. Ever~" Charlie sang. Even when she lived with her parents the meals were nowhere this good. And they employed some of the best cooks from the Gluttony Ring!
"No singing babe," Vaggie loved Charlie but she wanted to enjoy this heaven-send food without a show.
"What's all this?" everyone looked up from what they were doing to see Naruto jump from the second floor to the bottom.
"Breakfast, wat else?"
"I mean, who made it?"
"I did!" Naruto's gaze went to Michelle, who, sure enough, was in the kitchen and moving at break-neck speeds as she cooked, flipped, juiced, and squeezed various foods into a five-star meal.
"You?"
"Why so shocked? I did say I could cook," Michelle reminded him.
A quick trip down memory lane had Naruto recalling the claim, "I thought you were being boastful? Didn't think you could actually do it."
"Can't I do both?" Naruto couldn't deny that, "Sit."
The blond complied and grabbed a plate before he began pilling on food. A bite of his sausage and Naruto's eyes were threatening to pop out of his skull.
"Dear, God, this is delicious," and he thought Hinata was an excellent cook. This was high-class restaurant quality.
"Auntie Michelle, how'd you learn how to do this?"
"Secret," was all Michelle told her niece, a smirk appearing on her face.
"Aw, come on! For me? You can make it my birthday present. You know, because you missed the previous ones?...For almost two centuries."
Michelle gave her niece a deadpan look, "Really? Guilt tripping? I invented that, sweetheart," given how old Michelle was the group could believe it.
Damn! With her initial strategy up in flames, Charlie went another way and gave the archangel puppy-dog eyes. A sure-fire way to get what she wanted.
It didn't work, and only served to make her aunt laugh at the attempt, "Ha! You're Luci's kid alright. Sorry, but the puppy dog look means squat to me."
"Shit," Charlie cursed. Well, at least she-"Hey! Who stole my bacon!" it had been the last one on her plate.
"Ya snooze ya lose," Angel had the aforementioned piece of meat between his fingers.
"Angel, put the bacon down and no one gets hurt," Charlie warned.
"Better do what she says, Angel," Vaggie warned, she was feeling generous given the meal she was eating.
"Yeah, right, toots," Angel placed the piece of meat between his teeth, "Hehehe-WOAH!"
No one expected Charlie to pounce over the table and grab a very surprised and unsuspecting Angel.
"Gimme that back!" Charlie, now going full-on demon, ordered the spider-like sinner.
"Never!"
"Grrr!" Angel was now in a headlock, and Charlie's grip was incredibly strong.
Naruto blinked as did most of the group, all of whom looked at an unfazed Vaggie; who continued eating breakfast as though nothing was happening.
"She really likes her bacon," was all the former exterminator told them.
"Ya think dis, ugh, scares me? I was choked o-urk on a regular basis, doll! OW! No biting the ears!" that was one thing Angel didn't care for. Biting his ass was one thing. But the ears? Nuh-uh!
Naruto blinked, "He has ears?" and where those exactly? All Naruto saw was hair.
"Well, I'm fucking done," Husk announced. No way he could enjoy his meal with that image in his head. Fucking Angel. And this was good food too.
"Aha!" Charlie whooped, having returned to her usual form, and gobbled down her prize with gusto.
"...You know there's more right?" Michelle pointed at the stove.
"It's the principle of it!" her niece declared.
"And you don't like others taking food from your plate," Vaggie added.
"Charlie doesn't share food!" especially bacon.
"Crazy bitch," Angel muttered. And he thought his cousin Joey was bad. Charlie was surprisingly strong despite her porcelain/puppy/doll-like appearance. Angel thought it only applied to hugs. Now he knew better.
"Serves you right," Vaggie told him as she sipped her coffee. Damn, it was better than Starbucks. Yes, Heaven had Starbucks.
"Whatever, Vagina."
Ding dong!
"Special delivery!" a voice behind the door called.
Vaggie growled, "Pentious!"
"I didn't order anything thissss time!" the serpent-demon defended. Sure, he didn't get rid of the weapon parts he previously ordered but that was it.
"Wasn't me," Husk would have ordered better booze if he had the money. Alastor only summoned some when it suited him.
"Not me. I prefer getting my orders the good ol' fashion way," Alastor commented.
"Not me. I'm broke," Naruto told them.
"Ugh, fine, I'll go check," Vaggie told the group.
"Hey, Auntie M, you good making other things or just breakfast?"
"You name it, I can cook it. Though I have to admit there's this sweet old lady in Heaven who makes a mean pot of jambalaya. What was her name?"
"Hey, uh, Lady Michelle, it's addressed to you," Vaggie came back with a package in hand.
"Wat? Since when do angels get deliveries 'ere?"
"That doesn't look like one of our packages," Charlie observed, "Heaven?"
"Maybe? Must be important," Michelle took the package from Vaggie. It was a small unassuming thing, no bigger than a package meant to hold a laptop, and as Michelle began opening the delivered parcel did she suddenly find herself being bound by a metal contraption that left Michelle with no way to move. The metal limbs wrapped her arms, legs, and breasts, and even gagged her, too, before they rejoined and merged behind her back. All in all, Michelle looked like she was in a futuristic straight jacket.
"That's kinky," Angel commented, and expertly done he noted.
Naruto would have disagreed but his mind did see an attractive side to-NO! Bad thoughts! Not again! Not after the last time he and Hinata did something like this. A tale neither he nor his late wife would ever admit to anyone for how embarrassed they were after doing such a thing. Even more when they both secretly enjoyed it.
"Mmmmhmmmmhmm!" Michelle muffled.
"Wait? Seriously!" Angel exclaimed.
"You understand what she said?!" why was Vaggie surprised? She honestly should have expected otherwise.
"Call it a gift," Angel boasted; Vaggie wouldn't do so, "But she said that-"
"Aha! Got you, you lazy bitch! You're coming home with me!"
"Where'd that come from?" Pentious asked.
"Down there!"
The group looked as a screen snaked up the metal contraption before it stopped at Michelle's midriff, and then the face of someone appeared on it.
"Mmmhmmmfmmhm."
Everyone looked to Angel for a translation.
"Everyone, Urielle, Urielle-"
"Don't fucking care," Urielle told them. She had a shit ton to do and couldn't afford to waste a single second.
"Wait. Urielle. As in Archangel Urielle!" Vaggie's eyes threatened to pop.
"One and only."
"Seriously, how many more family members of yours are we gonna meet?" Angel looked at Charlie.
"Wait...family members?...CharChar's here?"
"Hi, aunty Urielle," Charlie greeted her second aunt, she was a little weary.
"Holy shit, how long's it been? No! Wait, sorry! Can't get off track. I'd like to catch up kiddo but-"
"Mmmmhmmmmhmmm!"
"She's asking why yer doing dis," Angel told the screen.
"Ohohohoho~She knows what she did. Or didn't do! You didn't think I wouldn't find your paperwork, did you? OR THAT IT WASN'T DONE PROPERLY!"
Michelle looked away from the group when they looked at her.
"Paperwork?" Naruto guessed the bane of every leader's existence followed them into the afterlife. Shit!
"You!"
Realizing that was directed at him, Naruto said, "Pardon?"
"You're the demon that defiled my sister," Urielle scowled.
Snap!
Finally managing to destroy the gag in her mouth, Michelle spoke, "Urielle-"
"Hey! Do you know how expensive that was!"
"Oh, please, like you can't get Raph to make more!"
"That's not the point! And at any rate, do you have any fucking idea how bad this looks? We're the archangels, we run Heaven, and we're supposed to set an example... Sure, the rules in Heaven don't really apply to us but we need to set an example still, you sex-crazed bitch!"
"Sex-crazed! Do I look like a high-school bimbo from the 1980s?!" okay, sure she might have gone a little overboard these last few days but being pent up and unfulfilled for centuries would do that.
"High school? No. Bimbo? Hell yes!"
"Oh, fuck off! You're just jealous I found a man that leaves me satisfied while you need to use that purple dildo of yours!"
"Purple dildo!?" were the thoughts of almost everyone.
"You leave Thanos out of this!"
"What the fuck is wrong with dad's side of the family!?" Charlie wondered just how this became her life. Urielle's comment really shattered the image she had of archangels. Though she had yet to meet her uncles so Charlie hoped they were at least normal.
"Besides, at least I didn't lower myself to sleeping with a demon!"
"We went fifty-two hours straight, and I was the one who got tired out," Michelle told her sister, "What does that tell you?"
"Oh, my God! Can we not bring that up anymore!?" Charlie pleaded.
However, Urielle had other plans, "...Maybe we can work out a de-"
"No," Naruto, having an inkling where this was gonna go, nipped the comment in the bud. He was not a man-whore!
"Have to agree with darling," Michelle had no intention of sharing Naruto with her twenty-foot pole up the ass, sleep-deprived, bookworm of a sister.
"Bitch! Then you're coming home! And you're not leaving till the paperwork is done. Properly!" metal wings suddenly sprung from the back of Michelle's bindings, jets were situated on the bottom of them and they began to hum with power.
"Hold on! I got a question!"
"What?!" Urielled demanded.
"How'd do you know they're bumpin' uglies?" Angel asked.
"That's...a very good question, actually," Naruto realized.
"Urielle?" Michelle looked at her sister.
...
"...You didn't!"
"No more questions."
"You peeping Tammy! You did it again, didn't you!?"
"I said no more questions!"
For crying out loud, "Did what?" Charlie asked.
"She spied on us with one of those damn drones!"
"Not on purpose!"
"So, you admit it!"
"I...Uh...Eh...Wait a minute! This is your fault, to begin with!"
"Don't change the subject, you nosy little pervert!"
"You're calling me a pervert? Ha! That's rich coming from the slut that got fucking tag-teamed and spit-roasted by a demon!" sure a very well-endowed and chiselled-from-marble human-looking demon, but a demon regardless!
"What?!"
"Oh, yeah, I saw what he did with that clone of his!" impressive though he was, Urielle couldn't believe her sister would do that.
"Clone! I never...Oh, shit, I did do that," Naruto realized.
"Damn it! You're seriously one lucky bitch, ya know that!" Angel frowned when Michelle gave him a smug look.
"Lucky! Are you kidding me?! What kinda person has another-"
As Urielle listed every position and deprived act that she observed her oldest sibling perform with a demon of all things, the residents of the Hazbin Hotel developed varying degrees of reactions. Each move that was listed only served to traumatize and horrify Charlie more and more; Vaggie's jaw hit the floor alongside Husk; Angel was pissed and jealous and impressed. A lot of the moves listed weren't easy to pull off. Alastor's smile never wavered. And Niffty was confused and had questions.
"Wait? What's a butter churner got to do with this?"
"It ain't an actu-"
"NO ONE ANSWER!" Charlie commanded before Angel could explain anything.
"...Wow! We did all that? Damn!"
"All I know is I liked it," Michelle told Naruto.
"You did? Most women don't like a few of those moves...at least the first time," Michelle was a real champ it seemed. It had taken Hinata a few tries before she liked even half of those positions.
"I'm not most women," Michelle winked at her lover.
"Clearly," what else was there to say, Naruto wondered.
"Vaggie, no amount of therapy will ever make this okay," Charlie groaned.
"Not like there are any therapists in Hell anyway," at least none that were practicing in any way.
"True."
"Hold up! Aren't you a therapist?" Naruto asked.
"No?"
"So, wait a minute, you're trying to help people with their problems and get them into Heaven, but you have no training or experience whatsoever?!" please say no, please say no!
"Uh...yeah~"
Damn it!
"...Kid, you're really gonna need help," and then some, Naruto noted.
"Kid! I'm older than you!"
"Yet, somehow, I'm much more mature," Naruto retorted. The blond didn't know how it worked with hellborn when it came to mental and physical growth but in his mind, Charlie was still a child. A kind-hearted and noble one but a child nonetheless.
"Uh, hello! She's trying to take off with me here!" Michelle was almost at the door while the group was distracted. A black gilded chain that came from Naruto's hand wrapped around the bound archangel and reeled her back in. Naruto then proceeded to free the archangel by breaking the mechanical arms that kept her bound.
"Thanks, darling," Michelle told Naruto.
"Shit!" Urielle cursed, "Is what I would say if I didn't anticipate such a thing!"
Package after package materialized inside the hotel and every one of them turned into shreds as their contents freed themselves. All of which were destroyed by the countless black chains that erupted from Naruto's body. Each chain that destroyed one chased after another like a heat-seeking missile until nothing more was left.
"...Okay, that I didn't anticipate," Urielle was being serious. Those machines were extremely durable. Not as durable as the armaments of an archangel but durable nonetheless, and this human-fox-like demon destroyed them like they were nothing more than paper. Urielle was worried and curious. Raph would most likely be curious and fascinated. But most importantly, "Look, I still need you to come back up!"
"Couldn't you have just asked instead of trying to kidnap her?" Charlie asked.
"HA! You don't know Michelle like I do, CharChar! Eldest and strongest of us she might be-"
"Not might. AM!" the word 'might' implied that it was up for debate and it wasn't in Michelle's opinion.
"Whatever! Just get your ass home! I can't clear as much without your signature! And so help me God if your paperwork isn't done properly I will redecorate your room with pretty pink ponies and have pictures taken for all of Heaven to see!" Urielle decided it was time to go with plan B.
"You wouldn't dare!" Michelle had a rep to maintain.
"I will! So help me I will!"
"Why didn't you go that route in the first place?" Vaggie asked.
"I wanted to humiliate the big pain in the ass," was Urielle's answer, "Thanks for ruining it, asshole!"
Naruto shrugged. Not his problem he was a wild card that more often than not messed up more plans than he could count.
"...Argh! Fine! Crybaby. I'll be there in an hour," Michelle relented.
"You got ten minutes!" Urielle, smug by the events now going in her favor, countered and then turned off the connection.
"Bitch! Mom really should have taught her to chill the fuck out," Michelle commented to no one. This sucked!
"Mom?! I have a grandmother?! Why am I only just learning this?!" Charlie added one more thing to the list against her dad.
"You honestly didn't think dad made us with his own two hands, did you?"
"Kinda, yeah," was Charlie's reply, "I mean, he is God."
"...Fair enough. I mean, he could of, and he did so with the other angels, but with the seven of us, dad went the traditional route. I was born first, then Lucifer, Emi and Raph, Urielle, Remiel and then lastly Gabe. As for why you didn't know...well, it's not something anyone in the family really talks about anymore."
"Wat she dead or something?" Angel joked.
Angel found an archangel's sword at his throat in response, "Never. Joke. About. That!"
Angel would have replied had the pressure not rendered him unconscious, and many others that were near the porn star weren't faring any better. Fortunately, Michelle calmed down and the pressure they felt vanished, even if their sense of unease remained.
"Sorry 'bout him," Charlie hesitantly approached her aunt.
Michelle waved her niece off, "Don't apologies for his actions."
A small jolt from her fingers struck Angel and had him yelping and grabbing his singed backside, "Yeow! Da he-"
Michelle cut him off by grabbing the spider-demon, "You get one! Got it!"
"Got it!" Angel nodded vigorously. Note to Angel: don't piss of Auntie M.
"You'd better. That said, talking about mom's not a subject the family likes discussing. Nor is it one I want to talk about at the moment either. I'll tell you later, CharChar. But not now. It would take too long anyway. Besides, I have a rep to protect."
"Uh, don't know bout you, but pretty sure dat rep's gone to ...well, here, when ya hooked up with the blond stud," Angel commented. Naruto was a demon and Michelle was an archangel for crying out loud. How did that work exactly? And Angel didn't mean from a physical standpoint.
"I mean I don't wanna be seen as a girly girl! I'm the biggest, baddest bitch in the Seven Heavens! If they think or see my room having pink ponies and all that girly shit that wouldn't be the case anymore!" and it took her years to cement that reputation. She'd pretty much have to cause a war to recoup from such a loss!
"Oh...Yeah, that would do it," Angel agreed. Pink was an awesome color. Pink was Angel's color. But put pink on a horse or ponies, and that didn't exactly scream bad-ass. Never had, never will.
"We're parting for now, but I'll be back before you know it, beloved, but before I go, I just have one thing to do," Michelle told Naruto.
"Pretty sure Charlie doesn't wanna hear us having sex...again...and repeatedly," Charlie was nodding her head like mad.
"Tempting as that sounds, that's not it. It's this."
Naruto cocked his eye at Michelle's lack of desire for sex. Sure the break was nice, but he had doubts. But said doubts evaporated when the lights went out and then came back up with a spotlight centered on the archangel, and what she did next unnerved him.
Oh, wherever you go, you know I will follow you
You know I will run to you
Oh, the sun and the moon
It don't matter what you do
You know I will run to you
Can't believe in all this time I'm hurting for you
But you feel like home, home
Love gives, it lifts so high I'm dying for it
I'm dying for it
And I can't let you go
Hide away, hide away from me
Hide away, hide away from me
Hide away, hide away from me
Or you lose
Or you lose
"The fuck," Husk said. He looked at the bottle in his hand and dropped it, "I'm done."
"Get it, girl!" Angel cheered.
"Aw, that's so sweet!" Charlie gushed at the scene.
Naruto just stood there frozen on the spot. Hell was fucking weird.
But Heaven was just as weird, too, apparently.
"...So... Uh, how do ya think he's doing?" Angel asked.
"He hasn't come out of his room since Michelle left," Husk didn't blame Naruto.
"Yikes. Then again, that song was creepy as fuck. Catchy, but creepy," Angel commented; Husk agreed.
"I liked it," Charlie didn't know what was wrong with the song.
"'Course you would, babe," Vaggie deadpanned. Her girlfriend had done something similar years before to someone she was crushing on well before she and Charlie became a couple. It had taken her parents a lot to sweep that incident under the rug.
"Ya think da song broke 'im? Yo! Stud! Ya okay?" Angel called up from the parlour.
He got no response.
"Eh, I'm sure he's fine. Now, ya said ya wanted us ta do something, right?"
"Yes! Back to the program!" Charlie smiled.
"Program? What program? Don't think I don't see you're making this shit up as you go along!" Husk observed. The winged cat demon had to agree with Naruto's earlier comment about Charlie needing help.
She had no idea what the fuck she was doing.
"Okay, sure, it's not perfect-"
"Unlike me!" Angel quickly added.
"-but since when is anything perfect when it first starts out?" Charlie finished, "Besides, this is a simple exercise everyone can enjoy!"
"Roach puppet shows?!"
"No, Niffty... Maybe later," she added when the small demoness' eyes started to water.
"Yay!"
"So what do you have in mind, Charlie?"
"Like I said, something simple: Show and Tell!"
"Ooh, me first!" Angel volunteered; Husk was immediately suspicious.
"Great! What do you want to share!"
(Minutes Later)
As Naruto finally left his room, having come out of the daze caused by Michelle's song, the blond heard the oddest of sounds coming from the parlour and saw everyone was watching something on the TV.
"Yo! What are you guys wat-WHAT THE FUCK!?" Naruto couldn't believe what he was seeing. He wished he stayed in his room.
"Hey, stud! How you doin'?" Angel asked as though nothing out of the ordinary was happening.
Naruto ignored him, "WHY ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING PORN OUT IN THE OPEN!?"
"It's show and tell! I'm showin' and tellin' yous all that this movie got me a sex-x-xi award. Oh, wait dis is the best part!"
Best part?
Everyone watched as the Angel on the TV screen had his ass harshly bitten by the dominating hellhound. Pentious was scared and covered his eyes with his hood; Charlie looked away with a cringe; Vaggie was pissed; Naruto felt his breakfast coming up. The blond had nothing against homosexuality but that didn't mean he wanted to see gay porn, or violent sex acts that should not be pleasurable.
"Okay, if traumatizing events are gonna be a regular thing here, I'm gonna need to find a new place to stay," even the appeal of ramen held only so much sway.
"Trust me, we're as shocked as you are," Vaggie informed him. Of all the things to show she didn't expect Angel to do this. Oh, she should have anticipated it, but she wanted to give Angel the benefit of the doubt.
She wasn't going to make that mistake twice.
"Isss it over?" Pentious asked, his eyes still covered by his snake-like hood.
"It's over," Angel told him.
"Oh, thank-AHHHHH! LIAR!" Pentious wailed as the porno scene somehow got worse, "MY EYESSS!"
"Sucka!"
Smash!
"Da fuck!" Angel couldn't believe Naruto did that, "Dat was our only DVD player!"
"Yeah, I wouldn't have been able to look at that thing anymore," Naruto withdrew his arm from the utterly destroyed television accessory. The memory of this event wasn't gonna go away any time soon.
"You have my compliments, dear boy!"
"Didn't do it for you, Alastor," Naruto did it for his own sanity.
"My thanks remain nonetheless!"
"Ya mind fixing it with yer voodoo, or whatever?" Angle requested.
"Ha! No." Alastor denied Angel's requisition. Naruto did not understand the demon's apparent dislike for TV, or anything related to them.
"You douchebags got no class," Angel huffed.
"Says the guy who used a porno for show and tell!...Wait, is that a common thing in Hell?" Naruto pleaded for a good answer.
"It's not," Vaggie answered his prayers, "Unless you're from the Lust Ring."
"The what now?"
"Lust Ring. How could-Oh, right, new sinner," Vaggie remembered. That was still hard to wrap her head around given Naruto's capabilities.
"There's more than one Hell?" well, that sucked.
"More like it's separated into seven parts," Charlie elaborated, "Sinners are confined to the topmost ring, the Pride Ring, and can't go anywhere else. Then you have Wrath, Gluttony, Greed, Lust, Envy and Sloth."
Naruto knew the Nara Clan would be quite at home in the latter ring if they were hellborn, much like the Akimichi Clan would feel at home in Gluttony, assuming both rings reflected their names and weren't misleading. Both the Nara and Akimichi were respectively the laziest and most food-crazed clans in all the Elemental Countries.
"When you say 'can't', do you mean as in they're not allowed or they actually can't?"
"...Good question," Angel honestly didn't think much of it, not that he had any reason to go to the other rings anyway, or tried to be honest. The Pride Ring had everything he needed. He simply knew what he was told, and that was sinners couldn't leave Pride. The exact reason for why eluded him at the moment.
"It's a seal."
"Pardon?" Naruto looked to Husk, the one who answered.
"There's a wide array of powerful magic that prevents sinners from leaving the Pride Ring. Sinners were originally allowed on all the rings but when the very first Extermination began they were all forced to the Pride Ring."
"Yeah, that's also something I gotta ask," Naruto began, "Your dad and mom were the first demons, right?"
"Yeah?" technically her father was a fallen angel but whatever.
"So, sinners are demons that were once human. How did hellborn come to be? Ya got any siblings?" Naruto wondered exactly how that worked. With humans in this world, Michelle had explained they were born from a combined effort of divine intervention and evolution. The latter also being a byproduct of Lucifer's interference that had rapidly sped up the process in certain human-related species that already existed that would become humans. As such, the human created by God crossbred with those that evolved naturally.
While God created the first humans, Lucifer had technically created the human race with his actions. Even if evil was born as an unintended result.
"Ugh, I wish," though given what she recently learned about her parents, potential half-siblings weren't out of the-NO! Charlie don't go there and mentally scar yourself! "Uh, anyway, most of them were originally angels that sided with mom and dad, others are descendants of the first sinners and fallen angels, and some just came into being from Hell itself, and the rest, I dunno."
"Back up! Sinners can't have kids!" Angel pointed out.
"The first generation of sinners could," Charlie revealed, "That was taken away from them when Extermination Day first began."
Naruto understood. The Extermination was used as a way to reduce the overpopulation of Hell, and given that millions of sinners appeared in Hell every year from what he learned, taking away their ability to reproduce to help minimize the overpopulation problem that much further made sense. But while Naruto understood it, he didn't agree with it. Then again, he wouldn't doubt that demons, every type of demon, used others as currency, even their own family. It had been done even while he was alive.
"So, there's no way a sinner can go to the other rings?"
"Many have tried, all have failed," Alastor sang.
Naruto merely grinned, "Challenge accepted."
"Beg pardon?"
"Challenge. Accepted," Naruto repeated more slowly.
"Oh, no! No, no, no, no, nonono!" Vaggie shut that idea down, "Are you trying to piss off Lucifer!"
"What's he gonna do to me? I kicked Michelle's ass and Lucifer's never beaten her," Naruto was confident he could take on the King of Hell.
"Don't ya mean you fucked her ass?"
"Angel!" Charlie shouted as Angel cackled.
"...Okay, technically you're not wrong on that. It is a great ass," Naruto's unexpected comment threw many for a loop.
"Naruto!" Charlie was just aghast.
"What? Michelle's got an awesome ass? It's a nice, toned, fuckable ass," Naruto enjoyed the look Charlie developed and went for the killing blow, "And I should know."
"CAN WE PLEASE STOP TALKING ABOUT MY AUNT'S ASS?!" the Princess of Hell couldn't believe how the conversation turned into this!
Naruto laughed, "Sorry, I couldn't resist...her ass that is. That thing's a deadly weapon of ass attraction."
"HA! Good one, stud," Angel cackled.
"Can we, for the love of God, change the subject!?" Vaggie added; Charlie was pretty much ready to slaughter the entire group.
"Killjoy!"
"Fine, fine. Onto a serious matter," it was actually one Naruto was going to discuss with Charlie before the porno distracted him, "I'm gonna help you with this place."
"...Say what now?"
"Well, for one-"
Crash!
"Oops!"
"Damn it, Pentious! I thought I told you to get rid of those things!" Vaggie told the serpent demon.
"Not my Egg Boiz!" first his machines, now his minions! Never! Who would wait on him hand and foot?
"Ah, the boss loves us!"
"Bite your tongue!" Pentious squeezed the minion in question to the point of cracking its shell.
"Pentious. Remember what I said? No more building weapons, no more plotting against other guests, and, oh, right, you need to get rid of these things!" Vaggie reminded
Zap!
"AH!" Vaggie ducked as a laser shot through her bow, courtesy of two Egg Boiz more or less doing a tug of war with one of Pentious weapons, "What did I say? What did I just say?"
Pentious only hugged his Egg Boiz that much closer, "But they do my evil bidding for me!"
"Look, if you wanna stay here Pentious, no more evil doings! You said you wanted to redeem yourself, right?"
"Yessss?" Pentious agreed, albeit hesitantly.
"Then no more eggs. No more weapons of destruction, and no more evil plots!"
Pentious had tears in his eyes but he nodded regardless, "All right, eggiesss. You've got to go. I ... I can't keep you anymore!" Pentious sobbed.
"Okay, boss," the minions merely accepted and began to walk away.
"No, don't resist. This is how it has to be!" while Pentious was being comforted by Charlie, Naruto noted that the inventor was such a drama queen.
"Alastor, mind taking care of 'em?"
"Him!" Pentious couldn't believe this!
"Oh, well, I'd be delighted to!" Alastor's sinister look had Pentious clutching his heart.
"Humanely!"
"Hmm. Well, that's a lot less fun. But I suppose I can take care of that on my outing today."
"Mind if I join?" Naruto asked.
"Oh?"
"Don't know my way around to be honest," Naruto explained, "And Carmilla wants to see me."
"Ah, well then, you're in luck. Simply consider me your friendly neighbourhood guide!"
"Bout dat! How do ya know Carmilla anyway? Ya seemed pretty chummy with her daughter," Angel recalled how Ana wanted to jump the blond's bones then and there.
"I saved their lives on Extermination Day," Naruto revealed.
"Oh-ho! Do tell!" Alastor grinned wickedly.
"Not much to say. Exterminators had them pinned down. Carmilla had her leg pierced by one of them and Blanca was forced to watch as an exterminator stabbed Ana in the chest with their spear. Then I intervened."
"Hold it! She was stabbed in the chest by an angel spear! I'm sorry, but that's fucking impossible! If she was stabbed like that she'd be dead!" Vaggie knew that all too well as a former exterminator. It was an old tactic, and one she was ashamed to admit to having used many times.
"She almost did. Then I healed her and that's that."
"... You did what?!"
"I healed her?"
"Okay, now I know you're fucking with me. Angelic weapons aren't something you can just heal. You can recover over time if it's not fatal, but healing it yourself is only possible in Heaven and even then there are limits! I would know! I lost an eye when I turned my back on them."
"You're an exterminator!" Angel exclaimed; both he, Husk and Pentious backed away from Vaggie. The angel didn't blame them for their actions.
"Former, but yeah. Lost my wings and my eye when I got caught letting a demon go when I could have killed them instead," Vaggie admitted.
Huh? Naruto thought the 'X' meant something else.
"You knew!" Angel looked at Charlie.
"I thought she was just an angel at first but she came clean when we went for a walk... Wasn't my place to say," Charlie told him.
"So, ya did know!" Charlie merely nodded her head.
"So?" Naruto didn't see a problem.
"SO! Do ya have any idea how much her kind-"
"But she's not their kind, is she? Not anymore anyway," Naruto interjected, "Besides, this place is about second chances, right? Redemption? Why can't she find redemption?"
"Because...uh...um...She's a fucking exorcist!"
"And you're a fucking porn star and drug addict, Angel. Pentious is a psycho-inventor with trust issues. Husk is a self-loathing alcoholic with a lot of regrets. Niffty's a knife-wielding maniac. Alastor's a backstabbing soul-dealing son of a bitch. I've killed people and done other bad shit. And Kurama's a former walking calamity with a kill count greater than all of Hell combined, and then some! But isn't that what this place is all about? Giving you a chance to turn around your life for the better despite your past?"
"I ain't forgiving her," Angel crossed his arms.
Naruto smiled, "You will. In time you will. Know how I know? Cuz that's what being a better person's about. Forgiving others, letting go of your hate. Because if you don't, it just leaves you empty and bitter and in the end, that's all you're left with. And that's a pretty shitty way to live your life. Not much of a life anyway. Besides, if she wanted she could have killed ya before you realized it. Especially you, Angel."
"Me? What did I-" Angel stopped when he noticed everyone but Alastor and Niffty giving him flat looks, "...Fair 'nough."
"But she didn't. I mean, her fighting style's shit, but she could do it easily, but didn't nonetheless," Naruto concluded.
"I'm sorry, what?" Vaggie believed she heard wrong.
"I noticed the way you use your spear, it's the same as the exterminators: aggressive but full of holes. I'm guessing it's because you guys are so used to people not fighting back. Which is why I'm gonna whip your ass into shape. Can't have shitty hotel security. But before that," everyone looked on as Naruto's arm became enveloped by golden flames and before they could react his hand was on Vaggie's head.
The former exterminator's mind finally registered what was happening. Her initial thought was that everything Naruto said was merely a ploy to get her off guard and end her once and for all. Then the warmth settled in and enveloped her entire being. It was comforting, energizing, thrilling even! Hells! She felt like she could take on an army by how much her blood was pumping. She had never felt like this before. It was amazing. Even her vision was better! She was seeing things...Wait!
"Seeing is believing, right?" Naruto told her.
Hesitantly, Vaggie brought up her hand to the left side of her face... and saw it. After so many years her vision had been restored, a feat that would have been impossible unless she were in Heaven, and even then there were limits. And that wasn't all it seemed.
"Ooh, pretty feathers!" Niffty awed.
Once more did the former exterminator hesitantly move her hand and then felt something soft and light and fluffy that she hadn't felt in years. Her wings were back. It proved too much for Vaggie and she couldn't stop herself even if she tried. Her knees buckled and tears began to flow from both her eyes. Charlie knelt beside her and gaped when she saw the restored ocular organ and the rest were left bewildered, too.
"H...How?" Charlie asked as Vaggie continued to shed happy tears.
"Like I said, I'm awesome," Naruto grinned, "Oof!"
"Uh...we're all seen dis, right? I'm not drunk or coked outta my mind?"
"Dunno. I've had a few today, but even I'm doubting what I'm seeing," Husk added his two cents. But even then being drunk made more sense than the sight before him.
Vaggie was hugging someone other than Charlie, and looking more vulnerable than ever.
"Desde el fondo de mi corazón, gracias!"
"...Translation?"
"From the bottom of my heart, thank you," a teary-eyed Charlie replied, and mimicked her girlfriend by hugging Naruto as well, "Thank you."
"Humph, any time, kiddoes," Naruto patted both of them on the head. It was a nice moment.
"Ugh, I'm gonna throw up!"
One that Angel ruined with a single sentence. But the porn star was forgetting something very important.
"You know she's got wings now, right?" Vaggie was now grinning an incredibly evil-fanged smile, her wings outstretched and ready to take flight.
"...Uh-oh!" Angel ran for his life; Vaggie flew after him as the demon screamed his head off, "Thanks a lot, stud!"
Sniff!
"Pentious?...Are you crying!" Charlie asked.
"No! Of course... not!...Waaaahahahaha! Yessss, I am! Don't look at me!"
"And this is why you never became an overlord," Alastor laughed.
"WAAAHHHH!" Pentious was now crying for another reason now.
(Sometime Later)
When everything had finally calmed down and the disorder caused by Naruto's actions, Charlie regathered the group, sans Angel and Vaggie, once more to explain her plans of the day, "So, guys. It's been brought to our attention that there may be a little, tension in the hotel."
"Tension that can be counterproductive to what we're trying to do here," a returned Vaggie added, and she was smiling from ear to ear.
"You killed him didn't you?" Husk accused. Though he wouldn't blame her if she did.
"No. I thought of something better," Vaggie laughed, "Come out!"
"Don't wanna!"
"You come out or I'm going for the tit fluff next!"
"Tit fluff? What did you-AHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Husk couldn't help but fall to the ground holding his sides. Others weren't far off and the sight really helped ease the tension Charlie was so concerned about.
"You assholes can go fuck yourselves!" shouted and middle-fingered a head-shaved Angel. The cut hair on his head made him appear like an ostrich.
"Who's the new lady?" Niffty asked, only adding more fuel to the fire as everyone laughed even harder. And it was true. The new look did make him appear much more feminine.
"I hate you all!" Angel shouted once more. Fortunately, Angel had wigs whenever Valentino had him get his hair cut, or if the overlord ruined it when in one of his fouler moods.
"Sorry, ha, ha, Angel. I'm sorry, that's rude," Charlie apologized.
"Don't make it less funny!"
"Fuck you, Whiskers! How imma gonna trust you douches now?!"
"That!" Charlie declared and all eyes were now on her, "That's what we're here to do next! Trust exercises!"
"Trust exercises! Ah, shit!"
Thud!
"Ow!"
"Vaggie, we rehearsed this," Charlie whined as she pulled her girlfriend up from the ground.
"Kinda took me off guard, sweetie. Besides, the wings threw me off. Gonna take a while to get fully used to 'em again," Vaggie excused, "We're doing trust exercises, people!"
"So, uh, what's with the whole, uhh, this?" Husk gestured to the stage in the middle of the ground floor, "I'm not about to put on some show for these fucking chumps."
"Oh, I will, but it's cash up front, and I know that one can't afford me," Angel pointed at Pentious.
"Grosssss! I'd never think of it, spider! Not even if you ssssanitized yourself for an entire year!"
Vaggie had to agree. Angel did some pretty gross thing based on that horror show he had them watch, "Right, well, let's get started. Charlie?"
"Actually, I thought maybe you could take the lead on this one. I trust everyone, so maybe you know better on how to build it properly!"
"What? Uhh, I don't know if I'm qualified, uh..."
"Oh, come on. It'll be easy!" Naruto knew from a lifetime of experience that it was not the case, "I'm sure you can handle this."
"Yeah, um, sure, I can handle this. No problem," Vaggie calmed herself with a deep breath before she began speaking like a drill sergeant, "All, right, so we are starting with trust falls! Each of you are going to share something vulnerable with the group about yourself and then fall backwards, while the rest of the group catches you. Got it? Who wants to go first?"
"Ooh, ooh, me me me! Me! Me! Me!" Charlie squealed like a child.
"All right, get on up here," Vaggie ordered her girlfriend, and everyone watched as the princess ran up onto the stage.
"I, I love you guys. Like, really, really love you," Charlie confessed before she fell backwards. She was caught by both Naruto and Vaggie, though the blond felt what Charlie said wasn't really a vulnerable part of her. Charlie made that clear every day.
"That... felt... good! Angel, why don't you go next?!" Charlie asked.
"Fine!"
"This time everyone needs to catch him, okay? Unless you want me to hurt you," Vaggie threatened with her spear. Suffice it to say the rest got closer to the stage.
"Hmm. Somethin' about myself, huh? Uhh...Oh! How about this? I LOVE to suck-"
"I swear to fuck if you say dicks!" Husk threatened.
"-popsicles, ya sicko! Get your mind outta the gutter!" Angel laughed before he fell backwards into their arms, mostly an irate Husk's arms, "But, you know, dicks too!"
Husk promptly dropped him for that comment.
"All, right, new guy, you're up!" Vaggie ordered and she and everyone watched as Pentious went all melodramatic.
"I... don't want to live without my minions. Nobody catch me!"
He was caught nonetheless, "Damn it!"
"Wow, you are slimy," Naruto commented.
"Very slimy. Ugh, gross, that's enough!" Vaggie released Pentious, "Okay, uh, good job. Uh, Naruto, how 'bout you?"
"Me? Uh, okay. Umm, let's see...Ah, I ... don't want to be alone again..." Naruto admitted and then fell backwards into their arms.
"Alone?" Charlie wondered.
"A good therapist would recall me saying I was an orphan," Naruto reminded her.
Oh, right. Bad Charlie!
"See, that's how you do it! Okay, Niffty-"
The small demon rushed to the stage before Vaggie even finished, "Sometimes, I kill mother-bugs in front of their children as a warning to others!"
Her mad cackling as she admitted to the disturbing reveal had everyone take a step back when she launched herself into the air. Niffty fell to the ground but it didn't bother her in the least when no one caught her. In fact, she enjoyed it.
"Yay! Pain!" Niffty rose from her spot and repeated the action more than once, "Pain!"
The mood took a nose dive from there due to the disturbing scene that was looping before their eyes.
"Well, that spiralled out of control fast."
"Yeah, I don't know if this is really working the way we'd hoped. Maybe we should-"
"Charlie, you can't expect things to work out right off the bat. This is your first time doing this, it's gonna be flawed."
"Naruto's right, honey. We'll figure something out," Vaggie reassured.
"Yo! If you're in the market for some ideas, I've got just the thing for some trust buildin'" Angle told them.
"What do you have in mind?" Charlie asked; Naruto and Vaggie were worried. Doubly so when Angel smiled. Naruto knew a pranking smile when he saw one.
"Angel! What the actual fuck?!" Vaggie declared once her brain finally registered where they were.
"No activity requires more trust than BDSM, baby. No bond stronger than those formed through bondage! That's their motto!" and it was true. Said motto was on a poster hanging on the wall.
"Angel, love the enthusiasm. But, umm, uh, hmmm-"
"What makes you think anyone would be into this?" Vaggie finished her girlfriend's sentence.
"Oh, God!" a disguised Naruto finally spoke.
"Yo, stud? Ya'll right?"
"No, not really," this brought back some very conflicting memories. Memories best sealed away to the point that not even a Yamanaka could unlock them.
"Oh-ho! Does someone have a secret fetish?" Angel prodded.
"It was one time!" Naruto suddenly declared before he could stop himself.
It hadn't been the one time, to his great shame.
"I don't believe you~" Angel sang, loving every moment of this.
"NO MORE QUESTIONS!" shouted the red-faced jinchuriki.
"Oh, no! Yer not...No fucken way!" Angel suddenly gaped, "Is dat who I...Holy shit! It is!"
Naruto turned around and wished he hadn't. Standing not a dozen feet from them bare-chested in a black leather and rings-covered outfit that revealed way too much for his liking was Kurama. And he had a collar connected to a leash that was being held by a very tall woman, though still considerably shorter than Kurama, whose face was covered to hide who she was.
"Foxy?!"
"...Well... this is awkward," was all the demon fox could say.
Awkward!? It was traumatizing!
"What are you going here?!"
"Uh...well...okay, yeah, it's exactly what it looks like," Kurama couldn't think of any good lie given the circumstances.
"Kurama, sweetie, do you want a spanking? If not, move your cute tush," the woman holding the leash ordered.
"Yes, sweetie."
Sweetie?!
"See ya!" Kurama told them and left with his partner into a room marked...Naruto felt his brain stop when he registered what the sign read.
"Okay, screw you guys, I'm going home! There's only so much of this crap I can take!"
Poof!
"That was a clone? Then where's Naruto?" Husk asked as he was getting a massage. The distraction gave Niffty, who was dressed as a dominatrix enough time to get onto the bartender's back.
"It's time for a bad boy to get a spanking!" she cackled and patted the riding crop in her hand. Her hold on him was surreal and her demented look only served to unnerve Husk even further.
"Oh, fuck!" Husk regretted not following Naruto's lead.
"Spanking Time!"
Slap!
"YEOW! The fu-"
"Spank, spank, spank, spank, spank!" Niffty only cackled more loudly, ignoring Husk's cries as she continued to bring down her crop!
"Wow, yer good at dis!" Angel complimented; the distraction allowed the rest of the group to leave the club without being seen. Husk was on his own.
(Meanwhile)
Naruto shivered as the memories of his clone popped into his head and he shuddered as he processed everything.
"Oh, God," Naruto muttered. He'd never be able to look at Kurama the same way again. He was pretty sure if his connection to his siblings was intact they'd have the same reaction.
"Beg pardon?" Alastor was curious.
"Nothing!"
"Hmm," Alastor very much doubted that.
"What's the plan, boss? I like your suit! What are the antlers for? Can I touch your staff thing? Are those your ears or is it your hair? I can't tell!"
Both Alastor and Naruto felt their eyes twitch again as the Egg Boiz resumed their inane chatter. Well, at least it lasted a whole two minutes this time. But even then, the disguised Naruto looked to the Radio Demon and asked, "You sure you can't conjure up a frying pan?"
"Regrettably, I gave my word to dear Vagatha that I'd get rid of them humanely...Much as I desire otherwise. And for all my faults and splendour, I am a man of my word," Alastor informed.
"What she doesn't know won't hurt her?" Naruto added. The homunculus-shaped eggs were starting to get on his last nerve, and he had raised five kids with Uzumaki-level energy, four of which were girls, and that paled by comparison.
"Tempting as that is-"
"Hark, Alastor. How fare thee this day?" spoke a tall, dark, spider-like demon, more spider-like than Angel, that appeared before them.
"Who's that, boss? Want me to rough him up for you?"
"Follow in silence if you value your shell!" Alastor ordered to the Eggs Boiz, "Greetings, Zestial!"
"Oh, holy shit!"
"Zestial?" Naruto ignored the demon that ran away upon seeing them, "You're Ana and Blanca's uncle, right?"
"Hmm, and who art thou, my fare lady?" Zestial asked, more of a demand really.
"Uzumaki Naruto," Naruto introduced, taking off his disguise and watched as everyone near them ran away. Some ran into alleyways, others through walls, and windows, and some into the sewer. One even set himself on fire and another poured acid on his head. Who carried acid in their pocket?! What kind of reactions were those anyway?!
"Ah, the Angelslayer. Though hath my many thanks for acting so nobly on that wretched day. Pray tell, Alastor, how dist thou meet?"
"We reside in the same abode. This one wishes to aid our dear princess in her endeavours," Alastor informed the oldest overlord.
Zestial laughed, "Ah, so the rumour of thy involvement with the princess and her recent flight of fancy doth prove true. Why and how does thou fall in with such folly?"
"That is for me to know. But please, do guess, I'd love to know the theories!" Alastor was curious about these rumours.
"T'would be grander folly by far to assume the workings of your mind, Alastor. Thou hath been naught but an enigma since thy manifested in this realm!"
"Coming from someone as ancient as you, I take that as quite the compliment!"
"But none so great as thy companion. To fell not only the exterminators and their leaders but Archangel Michelle as well so spectacularly. Tell me, how did thou accomplish such a miraculous feat?"
"I've said it before, I'll say again: I'm awesome," Naruto declared.
Zestial cocked an eye at that, "Thou ist be more boastful than an explanation."
Naruto simply shrugged, "Yeah, well. I'm sticking with it."
"Ha ha ha ha. Thou are becoming more intriguing by each passing moment," Zestial chuckled, "But I digress. Why are thou here?"
"My dear friend is newly born here. And I've taken it upon myself to show him the sights and splendours of Hell," Alastor told his fellow overlord.
"Thou aren't aware of the summons?"
"Summons?"
"A meeting of the overlords has been called. But then, it has been an age since thou hath graced us with thy presence. Some hath spun wild tales of you falling to... holy arms," Zestial chuckled.
"Oh, that, I just took a well-earned sabbatical, nothing serious. Though it's fun to keep everyone on their toes! Hahaha! When is it taking place?"
"An hour from now. But thy companion, however, is expected sooner. Dearest Ana has given you the summons?"
"Something about Carmilla wanting to see me, right?" that was all Carmilla's daughter said at any rate.
"Quite right. What plans my friend holds for thou I can but wonder."
"Oh-ho! Perhaps another powerful lady wishing to court you? Hmm?" Alastor laughed.
"Don't jinx it, smiley," Naruto already had enough on his plate with an archangel and having an overlord's daughter crushing on him. Sure, Carmilla was attractive and-Whoa, stop! Don't go there Naruto! No bad thoughts!...Shit! Said thoughts just came through.
Damn it!
"Zestial, my friend, thank you for bringing him."
"A pleasure as always, Carmilla," Zestial bowed before taking his leave.
"You two close?"
"As close as any overlord and demon in general can be," was all Carmilla said, "Thank you for coming here. But before we get started, here!"
Taking the small package from Carmilla's hands, Naruto asked, "What's this?"
"A phone...you know what a phone is, correct?"
Naruto's blank look told her everything. He was old but that didn't mean he didn't know how to use a smartphone.
"Good, that saves quite a bit of time. Now, onto the matter at hand."
"Yeah, Ana said you wanted to see me?"
"I did. I would like to hire your services," Carmilla said.
"Oh, for the love of... Look, I am not a man-whore for hire, okay! Don't get me wrong, you're an attractive woman but I don't do sex for cash!"
"...That's not why I called you here. But thank you for the compliment," despite this, Carmilla wasn't smiling.
Well, Naruto felt stupid.
"Sorry! You'd have to have been there to-"
"I don't care," Carmilla stopped him from saying anything further, "What I do care about is the safety of my daughters. I nearly lost them were it not for you, and I'll forever be in your debt for that."
"Didn't do it to have you in my debt. It was the right thing to do," Carmilla blinked at the response. That kind of attitude was very rare in Hell.
"Nevertheless, I would like to hire your services as their bodyguard," Carmilla asked.
"Bodyguard?" not that he didn't have experience doing that but Naruto recalled that the last time he did so had been...well, before he became Hokage!...Oh, God just saying that made him feel old.
"I'm offering this much," Carmilla gave him a card.
A blank one. And Naruto immediately understood what it meant: name your price.
"Freelance, of course. Be aware, you won't be working alone. Not that I'm not confident in your capabilities, but I'm not taking any chances. My daughters are my life. They mean everything to me. To lose them is a thought I can't-"
"Hey, I get it. I was a parent, too," Naruto would go to Hell and back for his kids.
"Then we understand each other. However, I'd like your involvement with me to remain anonymous."
"Really? Why...Oh, I get it. You wanna see who you can and can't trust," and if people knew he was allied with Carmilla she'd be unable to find out. No one would be stupid enough to do anything in that scenario. But if he posed as a not-so-out-of-the-ordinary demon that was another matter.
"Bien, a man with a brain," Carmilla now had a true smile on her lips. She was worried the man before her was no more than a powerful meathead. She was more than glad to see it wasn't the case, "Yes, lately some concerns have arisen that require my attention. As an overlord, I'm less likely to be targeted. My daughters, however, are nowhere as strong and much more vulnerable by comparison. And while I wouldn't take such risks, given your abilities I'm confident there won't be any problems."
"Ah, the old 'have someone do my bidding due to a weakness-thing'," Naruto surmised. A classic and effective move. Underhanded, but effective nonetheless.
"Quite," Carmilla agreed.
"So, how's this gonna work, exactly? I have a place of my own and I'm helping Charlie with her hotel. I'm not gonna be expected to move, am I?"
"I'd like to have you as close as possible, but no, that won't be necessary. This won't be full-time anyway, just when certain occasions are required. And despite its secluded area, if my daughters are seen at that hotel too often it might raise questions."
"Dunno. They could try and befriend Charlie."
"Ha!" Carmilla laughed, "Unlikely. The princess and her goals are...how should I say it...a joke? I could care less about her goals but my business would take a hit along with my reputation if my clients believed I supported her."
"What if she's right? What if her goals prove correct?" Naruto fired back.
"They won't."
"Wanna bet?" Naruto grinned.
"Oh?"
"Yeah, a bet. I'm right and Charlie succeeds you gotta back her up from now on."
"And if you're wrong."
"I won't be," Naruto held a fire in his eyes.
"...You have conviction. But conviction isn't enough. Very well. A year! If the princess can prove a sinner can be redeemed and make it to Heaven within a year, I will back her up from then on. But if you lose, you belong to me."
"For a year?"
"Forever!" Carmilla countered. This was when a person's true colours shined. Strong as a person's convictions and ideals were, Carmilla lost track of how many backed out whenever such terms came into play. But the woman never met a man like Naruto before.
"Deal."
Carmilla blinked as Naruto outstretched his hand.
"You're that certain she'll succeed?"
"I know she'll succeed," was Naruto's steadfast reply.
Whether he was cocky, arrogant, or confident, Carmilla didn't care, it was a golden opportunity, "Very well. Terms?"
Naruto's tenure as Hokage came into play as both Carmilla and he agreed on the terms. Carmilla wouldn't be able to interfere or get anyone else to interfere, though it was much more detailed than that, for one. And instead of being forced to work for her for eternity, it would be for a mere hundred years instead, or until Carmilla died, so long as it wasn't by Naruto's hand in any way, shape or form, or by someone acting on his behalf. Again, much more detailed than that. It was something Carmilla stipulated. Despite her reputation and being a demon, and an overlord, Carmilla was an honourable woman. She also respected Naruto's conviction, though Naruto believed it also had to do with him saving her and her daughters.
"And done!" Naruto and Carmilla released each others' hands. The contract was now sealed and bound.
"So, is that it?" Naruto asked.
"Actually, there's one thing I'd like to ask. More of a favour."
"Shoot."
"What do you know of the Vees?"
Naruto frowned, "They're a powerful overlord group composed of a trio of uptight immoral assholes," while he hadn't met Vox or Velvette, Naruto had been given the rundown sometime ago.
Carmilla smiled, "That's sugar-coating it but no less accurate all the same. And makes this next part much easier."
As Carmilla gave him the run down, Naruto grinned a wicked grin, "Lady, you're a woman after my own heart."
Oh, this prank was gonna be good!
(One Hour Later)
"Welcome, Hell sovereign overlords. I've invited you all here because you represent the controlling powers of our city. Together, you own millions of souls. Souls at risk with the new Extermination schedule. We need to discuss what can be done to minimize the impact to our interests. Now then... Alastor? Is that you?" Carmilla had not seen the Radio Demon in years.
"Yes, I know I've been absent for some time. I'm sure you've all been wondering!" Alastor smiled.
"...Not really. But welcome back in any case," Carmilla really didn't care, and was more so surprised by his return. She, like many others, thought him dead was all.
"Well, that was uncalled for," Alastor's smile wasn't as jovial thanks to Carmilla's comment. Bitch!
"This year's Extermination was, for lack of a better word, pathetic on the exterminators' part. We have assessed that about less than two percent of the population was lost. The lowest loss in history ever since the Extermination began, and we have the Angelslayer to thank for it. That said-"
Carmilla was interrupted when Velvette opened the door and walked in, on the phone, "Yes, I've got it handled, Vox. Are you doubting me? Really? Me? That's what I thought. Haha! Yes, I know. They're all a joke. Thank you, V. See you soon. Kisses, darling.
Under normal circumstances, Carmilla would be less than pleased. But this wasn't one of those times, "Nice of you to join us, Velvette. Will your... colleagues be joining?"
"No, they have better shit to do than to listen to an old windbag who thinks she's tough shit. I'm here to represent," Carmilla didn't care for the wording but one didn't get to be an overlord as powerful as her for small slights such as these.
"Charming. So, as I was saying, we need to discuss...Hah... Yes, Velvette?" Carmilla acknowledged the small woman's raised arm.
"On the subject of discussion," here Velvette threw the severed head of an exterminator onto the table. The action caused the other overlords to look at it and mutter to each other.
"Oh! Tasty!" Alastor commented.
"I don't know. I heard some folks say they're a bit too fatty," Rosie informed her fellow cannibal overlord.
"Truly? What a shame."
"And why did you bring this? It's not news that the exterminators can be killed."
"Exactly! Ever since the flying stud," Carmilla cocked an eye at that comment, "shot their holier than thou arses from the sky, the game has changed. We now know these holy rollers can be killed. We can take the fight to them. The boys and I have come up with a full assault plan-"
Velvette stopped talking and she and the other overlords looked at Zestial, the overlord was sipping his tea loudly and aggressively to drown out Velvette. Much to her annoyance.
"If it be true thee and thy colleagues desire to war, thou art far more... foolish than I be thought," Zestial accused.
"Foolish? It's a dead fucking exorcist. There's a bunch more where that came from, old man! If the Angelslayer can do it then wat's stoppin' us from doing the same?"
"Then thou art far more foolish than initially assessed. If one's power is defeated, one doesn't hie back into the fray without having a resolve to win. The exterminators were defeated, their power broken, and their greatest warrior humiliated. Yet instead of recuperating their losses, they decide to bear this base e'en twice a year instead. This discourses of a resolve we wot not of. I like it not," Zestial told her.
"...Uh, what?" Zeezi didn't understand a word Zestial just said.
"He said that if the exterminators were smart they would cut their losses and use that time to recover. Instead, they are now holding this event twice a year. You believe this means they have a plan we're unaware of, Zestial?"
"Perhaps," Zestial didn't know for certain but the fact the event was now being held twice a year instead of being postponed gave him pause.
"Is that proof or conjecture? Cause otherwise all I'm hearing are a bunch of excuses coming from tired-out old sods that need to be put out to pasture," Velvette asked and insulted.
"Hmm," Zestial frowned at Velvette.
"Oh, wat's the matter fossils? Too scared to make a real power grab for-"
You better show some respect!
Check your behaviour!
No one speaks to Zestial that waaayaaayyy~
Did you expect us to sit back and take your, insolent brazen display?~
Ha-ha-ha!
You got it twisted?
I'm not the one who needs a new attitude!
Maybe you missed? But I'm the hashtag bitch!
And I will do nothing less than what I please! Woo!
I'm the backbone of the Vees!
Mad that I acted respe-
"Hey!"
Many blinked as Velvette was held in the air by a series of black gilded chains. Their origin was traced by the overlords to an open window that revealed Naruto's form. Many backed away upon seeing him.
"Okay, that's enough. I came here to see what all this was about, not hear people sing. Sit down and stop acting like a child," Naruto ordered.
"Or wat!"
"Or I'll treat you like one, little lady," Naruto warned.
"Fuck you!" hot shit or not, Velvette didn't take orders from anyone. She gave them!
The blond raised a single finger, "Last chance."
"Kiss my ass!" attractive or not, powerful or not, Velvette was done following someone else's orders.
"Right body part, wrong action," Naruto grinned and Velvette was now unnerved.
"Hey! Wait what are you doing!" the chains that held her in place put Velvette on Naruto's lap, and the blond proceeded to pull down the woman's pants.
"Woah!"
"Oh, my!"
"Is that a My Little Pony underwear?"
"He's not gonna fuck her in front of us...is he?"
"What art thou-"
Slap!
"Ow!"
The other overlords blinked and their minds tried to comprehend what they saw.
"Did he just-"
Slap!
"Stop spanking my ass!"
Slap!
"He did and is."
Slap!
"Knock it off, you prick!"
Slap! Slap!
"OW! Twice at once!" that hurt like Hell.
Alastor was loving every second of this.
"Oh, this is gold!" Velvette heard Ana say, but she was doing more than that.
"Wait! Are you-"
Slap!
"Ah! Recording this!"
"Yep!" Ana affirmed.
"Delete that-"
Slap!
"Ow-Now!"
"Say, harder daddy!" Ana ordered.
Velvette blinked at the audacity, "Why would I say-"
Slap!
"Harder Daddy!" Velvette unintentionally shouted the words she meant to repeat.
"And~" Ana had her finger in the air. Velvette didn't need to be a genius to know what her intent was.
"Don't you fucking-"
"Post!"
Bing!
Velvette was horrified by the implications of what this meant. All over Hell were countless sinners, hellborn, and royals about to watch her behind getting the royal treatment like she was a petulant child. Despite being partners, Vox and Valentino would be laughing their asses off, though Vox would also be pissed, too, for how this would affect their reputations.
"Meeting adjourned," Carmilla suddenly announced. It was a meeting none would ever forget.
And as each and every overlord left, Velvette being the first to hightail it out of the meeting, Alastor was approached by someone he hadn't seen in quite some time.
"Rosie! So nice to see you again," Alastor greeted his fellow overlord. One of the few who wasn't a sinner despite many thinking otherwise.
"Alastor! Where have you been? These halls really lost some of their sparkle without your lively presence."
"Oh, simply away on a much-needed sabbatical. Being an overlord isn't all glitz and glamour, you know. But tell me, my dear, how have you been?" Alastor changed the subject.
"Oh, Alastor, I met the most wonderful gentleman! Tall, handsome, a nice set of teeth, and a real demon in the sack!"
"Oh, Rosie, you harlot," Alastor joked.
"I know! I'm as giddy as the time I went to my first flesh buffet! I haven't felt like this in ages," Rosie gushed, her cheeks pink.
"How did you meet?"
"Oh, you know how it goes around Cannibal Town. People saw him, thought he looked tasty, tried taking a bite out of him, he bit back and they didn't get back up. Oh, it was a thing of beauty! And his flesh! Oh, just thinking how tasty it was," Rosie shuddered and drooled a bit, "Oh, dear, but where are my manners? Let me introduce you two. Where is-Ah! Kurama, sweetie!"
"Beg pardon?" Alastor believed he heard wrong.
"You heard her right," Alastor didn't bother turning around. He instantly recognized the voice and who it belonged to.
"Alastor, meet Kurama. Kurama, Alastor, an old friend of mine," Rosie introduced, her arm hanging around Kurama's much larger one and her head resting on it affectionately.
"We've met," Alastor honestly didn't know what to make of this.
"So, are the brat and Michelle still driving Charlie up the wall?" after the first day, Kurama had enough and left the hotel. He was glad he did, otherwise he wouldn't have run into Rosie. The woman was smart, beautiful, had a wicked set of very well-kept teeth, and could eat an entire arm in seconds with dignity and class.
He'd been love-struck the moment he laid eyes on her.
"Fortunately for our dear Charlotte's sanity they didn't last as long as before, and Lady Michelle has since returned homeward," Alastor informed him. A shame. Alastor would have loved to try that jambalaya recipe she claimed to know.
"Ooh, so the Angelslayer did last as long as you said. Not bad. This one lasted about twenty-one hours before my hips started killing me," Rosie bragged. Said hips were still sore.
"We'll work on that, sweetie," Kurama's fanged grin set Rosie's heart aflutter, "Oh, hey, brat!"
"Not a word from you!" Naruto declared upon seeing the demon fox, "I can't even look at you right..."
As Naruto stopped whatever he was going to say next, Alastor watched as the blond's head whipped back and forth between Rosie and Kurama half a dozen times before he suddenly turned pale, "Uhhh...yeah... I gotta go."
"Dearie me, what was that about?" Alastor wondered, unaware of Rosie's sweating face.
"Time to go!" Kurama suddenly grabbed Rosie and carried her bridal style.
"Bye, Alastor! We'll get together sometime, and talk business! Nice seeing you again!" both Rosie and Kurama made themselves scarce and bolted.
"Well, that was odd!"
While Alastor was left pondering upon Rosie and her new lover's sudden departure, Naruto bumped into Ana who looked like a million bucks and proceeded to drag him into a room.
"Hey, big boy," Ana flirted, "You have no idea how awesome that was! And, I hear you're gonna be my new bodyguard?" Ana was lit up like a Christmas tree.
Best. Day. Ever!
"Pretty much," Naruto nodded, he needed the money and it wasn't full-time. Speaking of which, he still needed to figure out the currency and what was considered a decent wage. Then triple it!
"So, you gotta listen to what I tell you, huh?" Ana bit her lip. She knew exactly what her first orders would be.
Naruto knew where this was going, "Within reason. Besides I'm protecting your sister's ass, too."
"Oh, I don't mind," Ana licked her lips, "So long as I get a taste first!"
Wow! He was not expecting that...Uh-oh.
"Ooh, someone's happy to see-"
"Ana, if you don't mind?" said a voice from the corner, a cigar was in their mouth and was being puffed on.
Naruto, having sensed the individual but no ill intent, wondered when they were going to introduce themselves. But he welcomed the distraction, "I'm guessing she's the other bodyguard your mom told me about?"
"You guessed it, soldier," said the woman. As she came out of the shadows, Naruto saw red skin, a chestal area that was glowing very hotly, and a suit comprised of black leather, red belts, and gold rings. She was taller than Charlie but shorter than Naruto, and had a broken horn on one side of her head, "Name's Karlach. Pleasure to be workin' with you."
And done! Finally! I was trying to get this out for a while now but hot damn was FF VII Rebirth long and awesome and I kept getting distracted! And now, tomorrow we're getting DD2 (Dragon's Dogma 2). Also, wow, over 100 reviews in the last chapter! Thank you so much! Let's see if we can do it again please. Or at the very least 70-80 reviews.
Please be aware that this will not be a mass crossover, but yes that is Karlach from Baldur's Gate 3. Furthermore, much as I'd like to focus on this story, I do owe to my readers to give attention to my other fics. Next up will either be my Harry Potter Gamer, then Sailor Moon, and then likely Naruto Gamer. Depending on the amount of reviews I get for this chapter I may update this next.,
Also, if anyone can tell me the reference for Michelle's song in a review, you get a cookie, and a shout-out in my next chapter. Please review and let me know what you did and didn't like.