Steven started up the rocky trail, right behind John. The air was cooler now, a little cooler than he'd expected, the late afternoon sun dipping lower in the sky and throwing its shadows over the nearby rock formations.

After a good long nap, they had decided to make an overnight trip of this, packing everything they needed into the back of John's Rover and parking at a nearby campground before starting off on their hike. Steven had his camera at the ready, keeping an eye out for particularly interesting scenery.

Finally, John paused ahead of him, setting down his pack to go through it, coming up with his canteen and taking a long drink before passing it on to Steven. Steven did the same and passed it back.

"This is amazing." Steven told John. "I can't believe I've never made it here before."

"I've been here, but it's been a long time." John answered, easing himself to the ground and stretching out his legs, crossing one ankle over the other. "Don't think I ever made it over to this part of it."

Steven adjusted the focus on his camera and took a couple of quick shots. The light was starting to turn the sky to different shades of orange, the clouds blocking some of the sunlight to form shapes that nearly matched some of the rock formations.

After a few moments he turned to John. "You should get a few shots yourself."

"I will." John answered, following with a quiet sigh. "Just need to, you know, clear my head. Try to, anyway."

Steven nodded and rose from the ground. "Think I'll head up the trail, see what else I can find. I won't be long."

"Okay." John responded with a nod and a quick smile. "I'll be here."

Steven left John behind and walked carefully up the trail, pausing and taking a few shots here and there. He was starting to lose the light, and he knew he and John should head back to the campsite before it got too dark.

John was right where Steven had left him, staring out into the landscape, now with his knees bent, his elbows resting on them with his fingers interlaced, obviously deep in thought.

"We're starting to lose the light." Steven told him. "Should probably think about heading back."

"Yeah, probably." John seemed to snap out of his thoughts, shaking his head as if to clear it before pushing himself to his feet. He closed up his pack and slung it back over his shoulders, and the two of them started back down the trail the way they came.

John had been oddly quiet throughout the afternoon, and Steven suspected something was eating at him. Clearly, he'd had a hard shift, but Steven knew there was likely something more than that getting to him. He had hoped that getting John out here would help him unwind somewhat, but he wasn't so sure this was doing the trick this time around.

They returned to their campsite, and Steven set about starting the fire in the small fire ring while John gathered items for their evening meal and set up the camp stove on the picnic table. Soon there was a good fire going and the smell of a good meal in the air.

It reminded Steven of so many of these trips they had managed over the years, just the two of them. Not nearly enough, in Steven's estimation, but he knew John was limited in both his available vacation time and his finances, and so they did the best they could.

"Food's ready." John's voice pulled Steven out of his reverie, and he rose from his spot beside the fire to dish himself a bowl of what John had going in the pot.

"Don't tell me you made this." He couldn't help teasing John as they returned to sit by the fire.

A hint of a smile crossed John's face as he shook his head. "Jo sent it home with me the last time I went over for dinner. It's been sitting in the freezer for a while."

"Still tastes good to me." Steven answered. "How are they, anyway?"

"Good." John told him with a shrug. "Roy's still a captain. Seems to like it. I don't get to see him as much as I used to since we're on different shifts. But once in a while our days off match up. Still feels kinda weird, you know, not working with him. The new kid's working out pretty well, though."

Steven laughed at that. "The same new kid that's been your partner for the last year?"

John rolled his eyes and shook his head. "He's a good kid. It's just…different, that's all."

He fell silent for a long moment, looking up at the sky. The clouds had mostly cleared out now, and a million stars dotted the dark sky above. Finally, he let out a short sigh. "Something's wrong with me."

Steven didn't respond, just rubbed John lightly between his shoulder blades while waiting for him to start talking again. John glanced down at his bowl, stirring the contents, a troubled expression crossing his face. "Just about every time I get a day off, I head out, hiking, climbing, something, just to get out and get away. It used to help, used to clear my head. It's not working anymore, and I don't know why."

His voice went soft and broke a little at the end, and he took a deep breath and exhaled before continuing. "We got this call yesterday. Some guy waving a gun around, you know, threatening to shoot himself, his wife, anyone that got near him. Cops were already there when we showed up, trying to get him to settle down and give up the gun. He wasn't having it. Well, turns out I know the guy. We were in the same paramedic class together. He was just a kid then, even younger than me. Hadn't seen him since then."

John took a couple more bites and swallowed hard before continuing. "He spotted us. Kinda looked at Bryan, looked at me, then…that was it. He just…pulled the trigger. And there we were, trying to put him back together. But there was nothing we could do. Called it in, Rampart had us call it. And Bryan, you know, he'd never seen anything like that. He almost lost it himself, I'm yelling at him to get it together, quit being so goddamn soft. But you know what? He was fine. We got back from one of our runs early this morning, he went right back to sleep, no problem. I was the one who couldn't shake it. So who's the soft one, huh?"

Steven kept rubbing between John's shoulders in slow circles, and John sighed and shook his head. "All I can think is that there's not much difference between me and that guy. And I can see how a guy gets to that point. I just…"

His voice trailed off, and he suddenly rose from his seat, tossing his bowl on to the picnic table before disappearing into the darkness. Steven felt a brief rush of panic before he heard a retching sound followed by coughing.

Steven got up and found his canteen, following the sound until he found John, lightly placing a hand on his back. "Here, take a drink."

John took the canteen, rinsing his mouth out before taking a long drink and handing the canteen back to Steven. Steven could feel the rise and fall of John's short breaths under his hand, and he waited until those breaths slowed down.

Finally, John let out a heavy sigh from his crouched position. "I can't do this anymore. I can't. I don't wanna become that guy."

"You won't." Steven tried to assure him.

"You don't know that." John fired back. "I need…I need to get out."

This was a very different tone than when they'd been talking this morning, and Steven didn't know how to quell John's obvious sense of panic. Finally, after a long silence, Steven spoke to him quietly. "Listen, I'm heading home as soon as I'm done with this assignment. Probably going to spend the rest of the winter there. If you're serious about this, come on up."

John started to rise to his feet, and Steven stepped back a little. Suddenly John wrapped himself around him. Steven responded in kind. "You're gonna be okay, John. I promise. You're not gonna be like that guy."

John didn't respond, but he didn't let go, either. Steven could feel him shaking in his arms, and Steven simply held on to him, rubbing his back in an attempt to calm him.

Finally, he seemed to relax, his hands sliding down Steven's back as he pressed a kiss to his neck. "Sorry."

"For what?"

"I don't know." John replied quietly. "All of this, I guess."

"Please don't apologize." Steven told him firmly. "My God, I can't imagine what you see every day."

"A whole lot of other people's misery." John's voice was muffled. "It's not normal."

"No, it's not." Steven answered quietly. "It's not."

John pulled away, taking Steven's hands in his. "You mind if I go crash?"

"Nope." Steven replied. "I won't be far behind you."

John nodded, releasing Steven's hands and starting toward the Rover. Steven heard the door slam shut as he started cleaning up. He banked the fire and headed toward the Rover himself. An early night would do them both good, and then in the morning they would find another trail to explore.

It was a tight fit, as always, but Steven managed to squeeze himself into the back of the Rover and close the door behind him. Almost as soon as he got under the covers, John shifted, pressing his body tightly against him before sighing quietly and relaxing back into sleep.

If only this was all it took to calm and reassure John. But Steven knew John needed far more than this to get through everything he was going through right now. He could only do so much.

But for now, Steven would do what he could. It was only temporary, but then again, everything was. This too would pass, Steven was reasonably certain of that.

Wouldn't it?

# # #

Johnny opened his eyes as the morning light streamed into the Rover. It had been a fitful night of sleep, and he felt no more rested now than when he had crashed the night before.

Fortunately, Steven didn't seem to mind, merely shifting and murmuring every time Johnny woke up. This time he didn't move at all, his arm still tightly curled around Johnny.

As tempted as he was to wake Steven up, it was probably better to just let him sleep. Just because he was having a hard time didn't mean he couldn't afford Steven that luxury.

He managed to slide out from under Steven's arm, crawling the short distance to the back door of the Rover and opening it. It was still quiet and cool, and the fresh air perked him up a little as he sat in the back of the Rover with his legs dangling over the bumper.

Last night had been rough, and he hated that he had fallen to pieces in front of Steven. Usually he tried to insulate Steven from his work life, even as it took an increasing toll on him. But he could only hold back for so long, he supposed.

But Christ, what was he supposed to do? He couldn't dump all of this at Steven's feet. That was hardly fair to the man. They only saw each other every so often, and this wasn't how Johnny wanted to spend that precious time.

His mind once again settled on the thought of leaving, of escaping to that cabin in the middle of nowhere and never returning. It wasn't a permanent solution, Johnny knew that. After all, he could only hide out for so long. But maybe it would buy him a little time to figure out what came next. And maybe, just maybe, his mind could finally rest.

And maybe he wouldn't become another statistic.

Johnny shuddered, as much from the cool air as from the image that wouldn't leave him. As hard as he tried to shove it aside, it just stayed right there.

"Morning." Arms wrapped around his shoulders as a firm kiss landed on his neck.

Johnny almost immediately relaxed against Steven, a quiet sigh escaping him. "Morning."

"You sleep okay?"

"I guess." Johnny tried to sound casual. "About the same as usual."

Steven let out a heavy sigh, wrapping himself even more tightly around Johnny and resting his chin on his shoulder. "I wish there was more I could do."

"Nothing more for you to do." Johnny told him. "And I shouldn't be laying all of this on you, anyway."

"Yeah, you're probably right." Steven acknowledged. "But hell, I'm here. You might as well."

They both fell silent for a long moment. All the while Johnny was trying to figure out a way to see if he really could come up to the cabin. He placed a hand on Steven's arm, letting it rest there lightly. Finally, he decided to just come right out with it. "So hey, let's say I really decided to bail out of here for good."

Steven let out a huff. "There's room for you. I've already told you that. Just say the word."

"I don't know what I'm gonna do up there." Johnny replied. "I don't wanna be in the way."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Steven sounded incredulous. "Believe me, if I didn't want you there, I'd say so. I want you there. You'll figure out what to do once you get there. I'm not worried about that. And hell, if you need some time to figure it out, it's okay. I'm not gonna kick you out. You've always got a place with me."

Something welled up in Johnny at that, and he swallowed hard in an attempt to tamp down the emotion. "You're sure about that?"

"I'm sure." Steven replied quietly, nuzzling Johnny's neck. "God, do you know how long I've been thinking about that? Always figured it was impossible, but I guess I never really stopped hoping."

Johnny closed his eyes, giving in to the sensation of Steven's mouth making its way up his neck to his jaw. "I don't know, you might get sick of me."

"Doubt that." Steven told him, relaxing his hold on Johnny to let his hands slide down his arms, their fingers interlacing. "And you might get sick of me. Ever think about that?"

Johnny scoffed. "No way in hell. Can't see that happening."

"So it's settled."

"Maybe." Johnny replied. "Just have to figure out when. Don't wanna just leave anyone hanging."

"Well, I'm not gonna push you." Steven told him. "Just show up when you're ready. And if you decide not to, well, that's okay too. No reason we can't keep doing what we're doing."

Johnny had to admit that the likelihood of being able to spend more time with Steven held its own appeal. It wasn't as if they didn't do their own thing when they were apart, but Johnny found himself less inclined to do so as time went on. He knew where his heart truly lay, and it was with the man that was pressed against him.

"Suppose we should get going if we're going to get any hiking in." Steven finally told him.

"I'll start some coffee." Johnny reluctantly pulled away and slid off the back of the Rover, shoving his feet into his boots and lacing them up before crossing over to start the coffee pot.

Soon the smells of coffee filled the campsite, and Johnny poured them each a cup before pouring the remainder into a thermos, and after taking a few moments to clean up, they were on their way to yet another trail.

The desert terrain was a stark contrast to the mountains and forests where Johnny usually spent his off time, but it was a good change of scenery. Johnny's mind wandered to the snow-covered trails that he had spent exploring with Steven on his last trip to Alaska, how the snow muffled everything, even their own footsteps.

It was the last time Johnny had truly felt at peace.

It wouldn't be an easy life up there, he already knew that, but it was nothing he couldn't handle. And maybe it would be worth it. He'd spend some time just unwinding, and then he'd figure out another path.

He didn't have to have it all figured out. There was something freeing about that.

"You okay back there?" Steven's voice pulled him out of his thoughts.

"Yeah." Johnny answered, moving quickly to catch up with him. "Just thinking, you know."

A smile slowly crept over Steven's face. "Good."

Johnny set down his pack and pulled out his camera, setting his sights on some rock formations off in the distance and focusing before clicking off a couple of shots. Might as well get these shots when he could. Once he left, he wasn't likely to return for a good long time.

The thought pained him a little. Sure, he'd make sure to write letters and make the occasional phone call to stay in touch with everyone here, but in reality, that wasn't going to be easy, either.

He couldn't believe he was seriously considering the move. It was one thing to talk about it in vague terms, but it was quite another to follow through. The thought was scary and exhilarating.

"I think I'm gonna do it." Johnny suddenly blurted out.

Steven looked baffled. "Do what?"

"Leave." Johnny's chest suddenly tightened. "Put in my notice and leave. Head up to the cabin for good."

A smile slowly spread across Steven's face. "You're sure."

Johnny took in a deep breath and exhaled before nodding. "About as sure as I'm gonna be. No telling what might happen if I stay."

Steven's expression sobered as he nodded. "If that's what it takes to keep you in one piece, then come on up."

Now that he had voiced his decision, Johnny felt a weight lift. Sure, the fear was still there, as indicated by the tightness in his chest, but there was a sense of relief, too.

He was getting out. What would come next? Johnny had no idea. But as he'd done over the course of his life, he'd figure it out. He always did.