"I am assured there will be no problem with your shopping for school supplies by my contact in the Ministry." Griphook said, doing his best to suppress the snarl in his voice at the Goblin treaty contact.
Hermione interjected angrily. "From the Department of Regulation of Magical Creatures, like you were a Hippogriff or Nifler, not a sentient magical species with its own ancient nation, traditions and laws. Rank racist imperialist oppression that is."
Milicent attempted to interject. "It's probably better. I mean Amos Diggory is a racist prat, but Light aligned and won't be a part of any Dark family power play. Besides, he racist enough not to think Goblin's capable of trickery. If he respected them, he would be more dangerous."
Harry had been staring deeply at Noodle working on his Legimency when he got distracted by the discussion and Noodle drove a return spike of Legimency along his own probe and into Harry's mind.
"Ahhhh. That hurts Noodle. Help, I'm being oppressed here!" Harry cried out in only slightly exaggerated pain.
Milicent shrugged. "I'm the right-wise Lady of House Selwyn by manifest right of conquest. As my own current wealth and safety is contingent upon the foundational violence and inherent authoritarian nature of the regime, I of course side with the oppressor. Plus, I'm Slytherin; being pro snake is kind of our jam." Milicent argued.
Hermione eyed Harry coldly as she administered eye droppers full of potions to a dozen while lab mice she kept for Noodle, and a second cage she kept for Hedwig.
"I didn't spend weeks working out optimal nutritional supplements for the physical and magical development of wizardlins, or gobzards, or however you style a goblin wizard hybrid. I did so for Noodle and Hedwig, clearly the oppressed workers deprived of any representation in the Wizangamot, and not even permitted the right to their own funds here at Gringotts. Plus, Noodle is cuter than you." Hermione said, feeding her last dropper of magical snake enhancement potion to her mice.
Harry turned to Neville for help.
"Don't look at me mate. Me Gran says that arguing with witches is unbecoming a wizard of sense and breeding. Since she turned two of the Aurors who tried to arrest me into toads, I tend to err on the side of 'yes milady'. Besides, Noodle does that to all of us, you are the only one who complains." Neville pointed out.
Noodle slithered over and gave him a head butt in approval.
"$ I am unconvinced that any snake is part of the proletariat. Doubtless Night Pigeon and his feathered nest mates are being oppressed. Snakes, being naturally too wise to work for any ends but their own should be properly classed as nobles. Not that we are willing to accept other people's votes, and laws on the whole seem to be something people personally ignore while applying firmly it to people they don't like. $"
Harry translated for Griphook who did not speak Parletongue. He nodded gravely.
"Noodle is correct. The law cannot be used directly as a weapon against you. The restriction on underage sorcery cannot be used punitively against you beyond the level of a fine inside a pure wizarding community like Diagon Alley. There are no legal recourses to be used, and of course, you cannot take goblin guards with you into a wizard enclave."
Harry smiled. "So violence then?"
Milicent demurred. "Not directly. Hired thugs. If masked Death Eaters were to attack students getting their school supplies every witch and wizard would feel attacked. Honestly, it is one of the things that cost Voldemort in the Blood War.
If you are going to commit atrocities that will anger your own power base you have to use deniable assets."
Hermione blinked at her. "How did you ever learn to think that way? Some sort of childhood trauma, or were you abducted by some secret order of assassins while still in diapers?"
Milicent shrugged. "Tea parties mostly. Mom and Aunt Lydia socialize a fair bit with other old Slytherin families. You learn a lot. What to serve outdoors rather than indoors for tea. What compliments to use to show deference, which to show dominance, and which to show contempt. When its expected to kill someone in person and when its time to drop a bag of galleons off at a certain pub and remark casually that you hear Lord about-to-die was feeling poorly. "
Griphook smiled. "Milicent was properly educated. Pass the compliments of my Clan to your own. She is indeed right. There will be hired thugs. Not without danger, but hardly in the same class as an actual Death Eater attack, or even a proper contract assassin. The lack of control of the time or setting would put off a dangerous professional. Street thugs are about what you could expect. You will need a plan to neutralize them."
Harry grinned. "We don't need a plan. We need chaos. We need to unleash the Ginger Apocalypse."
Hermione followed Harry's reasoning. "The time has come to break the Seventh Seal and release the Twin Weasley's of the Apocalypse? Are the end times truly upon us?" She said in mock horror.
Griphook looked interested. "Weasley? Like Curse Breaker Weasley? He is a very capable wizard, but in Egypt on a dig at the moment.
Neville corrected him. "His twin brothers Fred and George. The only reason they are not professional menaces is they are trying to keep their Olympic eligibility open."
Griphook knew the wizarding world remembered the Olympics of old and followed the joke. "They would bring back the laurel for menacing?" He asked softly.
"For skulduggery, tomfoolery, mayhem, madness, misdirection, arson, exhibitionism, impersonation, character assassination, and humour without a license." Harry amplified.
Griphook raised his wineglass and toasted. "Confusion to your enemies, cry havoc and release the Weasleys of war!"
Fred and George received Hedwig with due ceremony and treats, letting her loose in the house to terrify Scabbers and annoy Ron while they examined the heavy parchment she had brought.
"So little Hermi's under a Ministry hired hatchet job, Mili's killed a Death Eater at a dinner party, Neville's had a plant sodomize his Uncle (he says no, but the Daily Prophet scandal sheet had a source at St Mungo's proctology department), and Harry killed You Know Who again (which might be addictive if you do it often enough, bound to be side effects)." Fred read.
"Want's us to come school supply shopping with them. Possible kidnappings, assault, murder by thugs of unknown but probably nasty numbers and intentions. Might annoy various figures in high society and those officials paid to turn a blind eye." Said George reading on.
"We'd have to be mad." Said Fred piously.
"Why, there could be danger, property damage, damsels in distress, damsels in undress, mayhem, arson, and possibly a riot!" Cheered George.
"Only possible riot?" Said Fred somewhat concerned.
"Almost certainly riot!" Cheered George.
"How could we ever," Started Fred piously
"Leave our ickle Firsty" Continued George
"Spooky secondies!" Corrected Fred, doing a reasonable Percy impression.
"Leave our Spooky secondies," Continued George, "without proper Griffindor supervision."
"Three little Hufflepuffs, alone in the world. Only one seeing-eye Slytherin to guide them, and without even a proper shadow to lurk in, poor snakelet is almost worse off!" Said Fred.
"It would almost be charity to help them Fred!" Cheered George.
"Except we're going to get paid for it." Corrected Fred.
"Best kind of charity that is. Riots and gold up front. A very Griffindorish charity all things considered." George agreed.
If Griphook could see the grin on the twin Weasley's ginger faces, he would wonder if Molly had been closer to Professor Flitwick in Charms than her husband would like. It was a very goblin expression.
-School supplies, with a side order of vendetta—Act 1
Lucius Malfoy did not sit at the Dark Lord's right hand. That, honour, if you will, belonged to his sister-in-law Bellatrix LeStrange, her husband and his brother, the Unspeakable Rockwood, and of course dear devoted and deeply disturbed Barty Crouch Junior. Lucius sat on Voldemort's left. Like Snape and Wormtail, he was useful, for a time, but that time would end when Voldemort no longer needed to worry about the Wizagamot, the ICW, the old families, Gringotts, and the other factions that divided power amongst themselves in wizarding Britain. Lucius was the master of politics, bribes and blackmail. Truly Slytherin pursuits, but one that the Dark Lord thought smacked of weakness, and longed to abandon in favour of some Griffindorish display of brute force.
Then the Dark Lord fell. His Right Hand, every Death Eating finger of it was in Azkaban feeding Dementors and dying slowly as the Dementors sapped them of will, soul, and strength. Lucius and his detested subtle network of favours, alliances, blackmail, corruption and seduction remained to do his work. If the Dark Lord was restored, it would be the left hand that made it so, and Lucius would stand highest because of it.
Lucius had learned muggle swordplay, he fought Rive Gauche, rapier and dagger as he felt it best showed his flexibility as a Slytherin. While it was the sword that demanded attention, that forced the pace and delivered the challenge, it was often the dagger that delivered the unexpected killing blow.
This was the stratagem he employed today. His sword was more of a cudgel. Honestly, to be forced to employ such low talent trash. By rights he should be sending Lord Crabbe and Goyle to do this. They were the magical muscle to his brains after all, but they were as recognizably his tools as his hands, and his hands must remain clean. So, low rent thugs and a simple robbery were the plan. A robbery gone wrong, almost trite really. In the leadup to the last war, the robbery gone wrong had been used to assassinate so many key people that when the war began, it was critical months before they noticed that critical positions were now occupied by new successors to reliable and assassinated seniors that owed their position and loyalty to the Dark Lord.
Lucius would of course be present in the crowd, disillusioned of course. He had to see this farce play out, but he could not be associated with it publicly. It just wouldn't do. Today, a half blood that dared to assassinate her way among her betters would die, and the Boy Who Lived would be so aggrieved by his loss he would not notice a certain diary slipped into his school supplies. A diary a grieving boy might pour his heart and soul into. It was a perfect plan.
Fred and George walked openly, Griffindor robes making them appear as exactly what they were, Griffindor Hogwarts students. No magic involved at all. They even took their time to shake hands with everyone they met, and introduce themselves. Just two big friendly dolts.
Oddly for the pair, they did not travel together, so no one ever saw both at once. The reason for this was shown when Fred shook hands with Auror Dawlish, and George picked his wand from his holster and replaced it with a Weasley Special Wand.
Three more times, twice with George shaking hands, and once more with Fred, they introduced themselves to the hard-working Aurors of Dawlish's team that "just happened" to be having coffee on one end of the square opposite where half a dozen armed thugs were taking potions to fortify themselves magically and emotionally for the upcoming battle.
Fred saw the six working the disillusionment on each other to disguise themselves as "someone else". It made them look not quite human, as they didn't have a clear idea about who they were trying to be, so the bits didn't really fit together right.
"Sad really." Said George.
"Bad form that. Impersonations have to be personal or what is the point?" Offered Fred.
"We should," Said George
"Demonstrate!" Said Fred, and a plan was born.
Harry, Neville, Milicent and Hermione were walking towards Flourish and Blots to start their book buying. All four of them could feel their Occlumency subtly trigger as they became the focus of serious predatory intent.
"Blimy Harry, how do you not react to this. I feel like when you used me as bait for the Acromantula when we were jogging." Neville muttered quietly.
"You wouldn't survive five minutes in the Slytherin common room." Snarked Milicent.
"Or muggle middle school." Muttered Hermione, then spotting another spike that only she felt she saw a figure grinning on the other end of the square and said a little louder for her friends to hear.
"Oh look, it's my dear friend Auror Dawlish, back from his sensitivity training and allowed on the streets again. What an amazing coincidence!" Hermione said brightly through a smile that any Goblin would love.
Milicent gave a nod. "That was well done Hermione. We may make a gentlelady of you yet."
The ambush was not hard to spot. Six wizards with wands drawn charged out of the alley and shouted. "You rich brats, stand and deliver! Your gold or your lives!"
They were clearly hopped up on battle potions to make them resistant to stun, sleep, charm and other low level jinxes, so the chances of them having the ability to stop the violence were close to nil, but they were not actually irrational. This was to be a robbery gone wrong, and accidental killing. The robbery had to be public or they would be hunted as the murderers of a Pure Blood House Lord, and that was not a survivable thing.
To say everyone was surprised when Narcissa Malfoy stepped out of the crowd and cast Sonorous on herself, was putting it mildly.
"I am Narcissa Malfoy, I demand you stop this low bred thuggery at once, or I will be forced to remonstrate you!" The seeming Narcissa stated with the arrogance of a pure blood noble woman.
Pure Blood Noble women were not used to facing drugged up thugs in a street brawl, so could be, in the crowds opinion, forgiven for having overestimated the ability of her name to stop charging hooligans.
A wave of stunner bolts and one bone breaker shot at her, and only a quickly raised and screamed "Protego!" put a shield in front of her, not that it looked to last long under the pounding.
Unseen from the crowd, an older redhead with a wand cast a very subtle and potent illusion six times in quick succession. As the illusion did not touch the targets, and as they were hopped up on battle potions and thinking far to aggressively, they had no chance to notice the spell cast on their clothing. After all, battle potions focused your senses on anything related to attack and defense, they didn't really care if your clothes were invisible or not.
Lady Malfoy did.
With a maidenly squeal, she dropped her wand in fright and shouted.
"Help, perverts! Perverts. Perverts. A decent woman is being accosted by dirty perverts, oh will no big strong ginger hero save me?" She offered, turning her well bred and beautiful face to the crowd.
The crowd too began to scream, as it was revealed that indeed the six charging thugs were completely naked.
Opinion about what to do about this varied. Two thugs tried to cover their unholstered wands with their hands. One simply squeaked in embarrassment and apparated away with a pop.
Three more continued firing, this time the curses were dark and ranged between cutting curses, blood boiling curses, and a blindness curse that was either a displaced modesty attempt or tactical move to blind an enemy. No one will really be able to tell, as a red headed, balding, and distinctly pot bellied wizard charged nobly between, catching the curses on the tip of his wand and flashing them back at the charging trio like a dueling master. The figure came with his own voice showing the same amplification as Narcissa, so the whole square could hear the exchange.
"Fear not, my secret darling. No one molests the secret love of Arthur Weasley and lives to run away!" The seeming Arthur Weasley said, as the probably Narcissa looked up in adoration, having palmed her dropped wand from the ground and gushed back.
"My hero! So mighty is your wand!" Narcissa said, rising to bat away curses and jinxes from the charging naked thugs.
There were rather more spells arcing out at the charging naked perverts than just Narcissa Malfoy who draped herself all over the pot bellied Arthur Weasley as he did his best attempt to hold her like a romantic hero as the two of them deflected spells that could reasonably be expected to cripple or kill anyone they hit.
It turns out, six naked perverts attacking a pure blood lady in the street is enough to draw supporting fire from the average shopping crowd in Diagon Alley, especially with a bit of high scandal playing out in public as extra spice.
"Oh Arthur, you didn't even hesitate to come save me, even with me married to your arch enemy Lucius Malfoy!" Narcissa gushed as she caught a bone breaking curse aimed at Arthur's neck, whipped it around her head, and launched it below the enemies shield into his vulnerable ankle.
"How could I my darling Narcissa? When you conceived our child Draco, and chose to hide him under your husband's nose and name as Heir Malfoy rather than risk my marriage to Molly, how could I not defend you!" Arthur Weasley declared passionately, letting a cutting curse slice open his shoulder, so he could launch a Petrificus Totalus back down the same path to take another enemy out of the mix. In seconds, all the remaining attackers were downed; stunned, petrified, or in one case, now a fish very much in need of water.
At that point, four Aurors, Dawlish and three of his fellow Aurors of cash modified allegiance descended.
"All right you two, you are under arrest. I don't know what kind of game you are playing but it ends now. "
Dawlish drew his wand and shouted "Finite Incantum!"
From an Auror of his power, it should have blasted all illusions and protections away. Instead, it showered the couple with rose petals and began to play ballroom dance music.
Dawlish swore, turned to his fellow Aurors and demanded "Get them, stop them!"
"Oh Arthur, this is so much more romantic than the utility closet at the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts office, dance with me!" Narcissa said, and Arthur took Narcissa in his arms and began to dance.
One Auror drew his wand and chanted "Stupify!" Which should have launched a powerful stunner, but instead only produced a little flying cherib with a cute bow and heart arrow who circled the pair of dancers, shooting little love arrows into them.
The last two Aurors were done playing nice, and shot "Reducto" and "Incideo" which would have either blown them into kibbly bits or lit them on fire. As a result, the wands they actually held caused them to instead grab each other and begin to dance along side the pair of star crossed lovers.
Lucius Malfoy fought his way through the crowd, banishing his own illusion to confront his wayward wife.
"WEASLEY YOU BLOOD TRAITOR SCUM. GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY WIFE!" Lucious roared.
"My husband!" Screamed Narcissa.
"Top of the morning Lucious, how's my son and your heir Draco?" Arthur offered cheerfully.
"Avada Kadevera!" Screamed Lucious, and only a diving cherup intercepting the beam and detonating it saved the Weasley's from being short one ginger.
"Ere now, none of that!" Auror Dawlish roared, wrestling Lucius Malfoy for his wand. Dawlish may be corrupt to the point of turning a blind eye on certain quite understandable if unsavory abuses and indulgences, but he was a Merlin be damned Auror. No one used an unforgivable in front of him and a hundred witnesses.
"Oh Arthur, if this is our last time, take me away and stir my cauldron one more time with your Weasley wand. Give me another child, this time, a ginger!" Narcissa shouted, causing the crowd to roar in outrage, scandal, or appreciation.
He took her hand, and they apparated out, leaving four wands to fall to the ground, the ones taken earlier from the Aurors who had entered the fray with Weasley joke wands in their holsters.
Harry watched the unfolding scene with shock. He finally muttered.
"What have we done."
Neville responded. "You unleashed the Weasleys of war."
Milicent was only now allowing herself to blink. Even going blind was a small price to pay for a perfect memory of this scene.
"Favorite Griffindors ever!" Milicent said, gripping Harry's hand tightly.
"Draco is going to lose his mind if the rumour that he's Arthur Weasley's bastard gets out. Every other sentence he says is 'my father' this or that." Hermione said fearfully.
Harry smiled, aware that maybe they went a bit too far, but then again, no one was hurt. He put his best face on the matter.
"Look, nobody got hurt, assuming they got that fish into some water or transformed him back. It's not like anyone takes this blood purity stuff that seriously!" Harry said.
Neville grabbed him by the shoulder and stopped him. Harry realized that Neville, Milicent, and Hermione were all glaring at him.
"You don't think anyone is going to take this bit of street theater seriously do you?" Harry said.
Milicent quoted "The highest art is to bare a man's shame before the world, that ten thousand knives be drawn against him, to strike at the weakness you have shown, that as he dies under a thousand knives he will never know the one never drawn has slain him."
Harry shuddered. "What raging sociopath said that."
Neville shrugged. "Salazar Slytherin. Merlin's beard Harry, even I know that one. It's on the plinth of his statue in the library."
Harry nodded. "Right, I got as far as Helga Hufflepuffs 'There is no task that cannot be solved if all stout hearts stand together, and give their all to the doing.' I mean I figured I found the one I liked, I didn't really know what the other ones say.
Hermione said "Godric Griffindors reads "Loose not the Weasleys of War lest the whole of the world burn."
Neville looked at her in shock. "It does not!"
She shrugged. "It should."
They were finally at Flourish and Blots. There was ANOTHER crowd inside. Some wizard with improbably perfect golden ringlets, tights that seemed more painted on than the most shameless muggle yoga pants and poofy sleeves that seemed to have gone missing from Lord Byron's wardrobe was holding court, surrounded by what seemed like half the Hogwarts mothers and at least two photographers.
Hermione sighed. "Lets just get our school supplies, and try to escape without more drama?" She asked hopefully.
"More" Said Fred
"Drama?" Said George.
"As we are summoned," Intoned Fred seriously.
"So do we appear." Said George with a dramatic bow.
Hermione punched one of them in the arm, he grinned.
Milicent gave the other a surprise hug, he also grinned.
They entered the book store together. Harry smiled. They were finally there to get their books, what is the worst that could happen?