"Oh, you're a hard one, but I know that you got your reasons
These things that are pleasin' you can hurt you somehow."
The universe spans infinite and humanity's suffering is inconsequential in the bigger scheme. That's not to say that there aren't mathematical improbabilities. Occurrences that are so statistically improbable that one has a better chance of winning the lottery a million times over. So unlikely that even the most skeptical would be hard-pressed not to classify them as miracles.
That's why when there was a knock on her glass window, it scared the hell out of Aubrey. Aubrey looked out the window of her car, the Mojave Desert stretched out around her. And it was at that moment, against all odds, that the universe sent her a friendly face.
"H-hey, Miss? Wait, holy shit! Aubrey? Is that you? Are you alright?"
Aubrey had asked the universe for help, a disruptor of the status quo, someone more experienced in navigating chaos, and so it sent her, Stacie Conrad. Stacie was wearing her doctor's scrubs and white lab coat and, as usual, she sported a confident smile. This time, that smile tried its best to mask serious concern.
"Stacie? Oh my god, Stacie!" Aubrey quickly opened the door and got out of the SUV. She stood before Stacie and paused, but in a matter of seconds the shock quickly turned to grateful relief. Stacie smiled, gave a head swivel and beckoned Aubrey to bring it in.
Aubrey fell into her friend's arms and crumbled. The two women held each other in the cool darkness of the Mojave Desert. Stacie had always been a very observant person, and she knew how this portrayal of strength took a toll on Aubrey. She saw it multiple times when they were in college together. Moved by the sudden expression of raw vulnerability, she held her friend for as long as she needed.
"I'm here babe, it's OK." Stacie tried her best to be reassuring, but the gentle words just made Aubrey cry harder.
It took Aubrey a while to get a sense of normalcy back, to go from full frantic crying to calmer sobs. "Why - how are you here Stacie?"
"My hospital is near here, I actually take this road almost every day. I didn't know, I mean, I had no idea I'd find you here, of all places," Stacie explained.
"This is really just incredible, Stacie."
"I guess, you haven't been very active in the group chat lately. You really didn't know I was in the area?"
"No, I'm sorry to say I haven't really checked the group chat in gosh, I don't even know."
"Why are you out here so late? Aren't you in Santa Barbara? That's like hours from here."
Aubrey, still holding onto her friend, looked up at the stars, she thanked the universe for this gift. "It's a long story."
"Bree, I just finished my shift, I'm off this weekend and the nanny is on duty. I have all the time in the world for you right now." Stacie knew it meant paying the nanny overtime, but whatever, one of her Bellas needed help.
Stacie drove them to a diner a few miles from where Aubrey had broken down. This diner was an oasis in the desert, where many wandering souls found nourishment for the miles to come. This oasis was called "The Waffle House." Stacie went inside and got them a table while Aubrey called roadside assistance. The waitress came over and Stacie ordered them some coffee. She watched amused as Aubrey paced outside the window as she spoke on the phone. For a second Aubrey and Stacie's eyes met, and Aubrey gave her a classic exasperated eye roll. Whoever was on the other line was probably getting an earful. Something about that image was nostalgic, and while Stacie could tell that her old friend was clearly going through a difficult time, she couldn't help but feel happy to see her. She couldn't remember the last time she'd seen the beautiful blonde.
Aubrey stomped her way back into the Waffle House and sat across from Stacie. She exhaled frustrated, and stowed her phone in her purse.
"Roadside assistance can't come until tomorrow, I can't believe how incompetent they are, really, with the premiums I pay you'd think they'd have better coverage. Now I'm going to have to figure-"
"Hey-" Stacie interrupted her. She reached over the table and grabbed her hands. The suddenness of her gesture caught Aubrey by surprise, and she looked at Stacie's hands. "Stop for a second and talk to me. What happened?"
"I uh-" Aubrey hesitated. She didn't know what to say, where to even begin, really. And maybe she didn't have to. "Oh it's nothing, just had a bad day. What about you? You said you were working around here?"
Stacie shook her head and narrowed her intense blue eyes. "Nuh-uh Posen, you don't get to pull that move with me, I just found you in the desert crying your eyes out, be straight with me."
It was in that moment that the waitress placed two mugs of black coffee in front of them. She asked if they were ready to order, but they declined for now, and the waitress left. Aubrey took a sip of her coffee and grimaced, it was bitter and bland. Terrible coffee for a terrible day, fitting.
Stacie leaned back on her seat, crossed her arms across her chest, and gave Aubrey a look that said, I've got all night.
OK, Aubrey took a deep breath, and stared at the ceiling, noticing the crummy ceiling fan that who knows when had last been cleaned. She smiled to herself because she knew she was doing it again, putting up walls, redirecting, running away from letting herself be vulnerable. Aubrey finally decided that if the universe had gone through all the trouble to send her a friend when she needed one, then she would not hold back.
Aubrey told Stacie everything, about work and how the board went behind her back while she was convalescing and scrapped a project that had been very dear to her, and how she lost it on the poor unsuspecting intern. About how a few months ago she was diagnosed with endometriosis, and how hard they had been trying to conceive, and about the miscarriage, their one-in-a-million chance. Finally, she told her about Jesse, how they've been growing apart since then, and how she left him in the restaurant tonight.
After Aubrey was finished bearing her soul, she laughed softly, surprised by how light she suddenly felt. She knew she should have done this a lot sooner. She discreetly dried her eyes.
Stacie had listened empathically. As a physician she knew the physiological ramifications of the diagnosis of endometriosis and how it impacted fertility. These days the condition is treatable through medication, injections, patches, and surgical intervention, but it is still an incredibly painful and stigmatized condition to live with.
As a woman, Stacie knew about the psychological damage that a miscarriage can cause, and its ripple effect more often than not weighed heavily on relationships. Her heart broke for her old friend. She couldn't believe how much Aubrey had been struggling alone this whole time. But why was she dealing with this alone anyway?
"Aubrey don't take this the wrong way but where has Jesse been during all of this?"
The question caught Aubrey off guard. "I, uh, he's been working on a new movie."
"I get that, but still- " Stacie started to say, but Aubrey interrupted her.
"Look, he's just busy, alright? He just landed his dream job and now he's kind of a big deal in the industry, and they keep him busy, a lot. That's all. It's not a big deal."
Stacie nodded, not buying any of it. She may not have a lot of experience with long-term relationships, but even she knew that the whole "In sickness and in health," wasn't meant to be rhetorical.
"OK, I'm sorry, it just seems like a lot to carry on your own. So why didn't you reach out to us then? Or Chloe at least? You know we would have had your back."
"I, uh, I just didn't want to bother anyone with my stuff. I know everyone is so busy with their own lives."
"Let me ask you something, Bree. If I or any of the girls came to you with a situation like this what would you have done?"
"I- fine I see your point," Aubrey sighed, Stacie was right, she was being a hypocrite. If any of the Bellas had gone to her, she would have dropped everything to help. Aubrey exhaled loudly, feeling like an idiot.
Stacie could only look at Aubrey. She had never seen the fierce former Bella Captain like this. It saddened her so much, and yet she couldn't help but feel a bit annoyed. Because this wasn't the way it was supposed to go. The Bellas were a sisterhood for life. The Bellas were supposed to have each other's back always, no matter what. Aubrey herself had preached this to them many times. So while she wanted to be understanding, a part of her also wanted to kick Aubrey's ass. Because any of the Bellas would have dropped everything to be there for her, herself included.
"So, what do you think you'll do now?" Stacie asked.
Aubrey covered her face with her hands, she hadn't had time to consider her next move, which was unusual for her. After a second she said, "I don't know. God, I really don't know Stacie. I just wish I could, I don't know, get a fresh start? Quit? I wish I could just leave it all behind and just start over."
Quit? Did Aubrey Fucking Posen just say the word quit? "I'm sorry, you want to leave everything behind?" Stacie scoffed.
"Is- is that crazy?" Aubrey needed guidance of sorts, she didn't do well with uncertainty, and it scared the hell out of her.
"For me and the rest of the world? No, hell no. But for you, for Aubrey Posen? Yeah, it sounds fucking crazy."
Aubrey's mouth opened wide and she frowned. Those words weren't exactly the comforting words she had hoped to hear, she'd been spoiled by Chloe's unconditional support. Stacie's words felt like a bucket of ice had been unceremoniously dumped on her. Couldn't Stacie see how much pain she was in?
Aubrey said, "I'm sorry it may sound crazy to you, but you-you have no idea just how hard this has been for me." Her voice, though hurt, was laced with the old fire of her former self. Aubrey tossed her napkin on the table and started to stand up. "I don't need this!"
"Wait, Aubrey, no, you're right." Stacie grabbed Aubrey's sleeve. Aubrey paused and turned to Stacie, hurt in her eyes. Stacie looked away embarrassed, she pushed too hard and far too soon, she continued "You are totally right Aubrey. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to belittle how hard this has been for you, I just-" Stacie's tone softened. She really had pushed far more than she meant to and regretted it. Aubrey just looked at her questioningly, unsure of how to proceed.
"Could you just- just sit down, and let me explain, please?" Stacie asked in a tone far softer than Aubrey ever heard her use.
Aubrey a bit taken aback by the small gesture of vulnerability decided to try this again and sat down across from Stacie as she continued. "Look I'm not trying to compare our trauma or anything like that, we've both been through our own shit, but can I just tell you one thing?"
"What?" Aubrey's voice was becoming defiant now. Stacie reached across the table and grabbed Aubrey's hands. She stared deep into her blue eyes.
"When I was pushing Bella into this world, it was just me, no baby daddy in sight, barely a peep from my folks, but you know what? I wasn't bitter, because you guys were out there conquering the world! No matter how many times life knocked you on your ass, you guys got back up and asked for seconds. And you, Aubrey. Fucking. Posen, taught us that!" Stacie accentuated each word with a soft slam against the table.
Aubrey Fucking Posen? Aubrey blinked as she processed what her friend was saying.
"Look I'm obviously not saying Beca and Chloe didn't do a great job, they did a hell of a job, but you set the standard for us, like… OK! Do you remember our very first practice? You really kicked our asses that day." Stacie laughed at the bittersweet memory. "I remember thinking, man, that blonde baddie is something else! You did every exercise we did and more, and you barely broke a sweat, and then when you showed the video of your, umm, mishap, I thought, man! She went through all that, and she's still here! I admired the hell out of that version of Aubrey."
"You are so freaking strong Aubrey," Stacie continued, her voice becoming softer, but no less intense. "Your strength, kept us going even when things got tough."
"Stacie," Aubrey whispered softly.
A hint of vulnerability crept into Stacie's confident demeanor. "You gave me strength, Aubrey."
Aubrey was speechless. She didn't know. How could she have possibly known? Not once did she stop to think about how difficult it must have been for Stacie to give birth by herself while they were off gallivanting through Europe pursuing their former acappella glory. She felt like a terrible friend. Aubrey placed her hand over her chest, closed her eyes, and swallowed hard. Shame weighed heavily in her chest. "Stacie-"
Stacie raised her hand, interrupting her, she hadn't meant to turn the tables or make this about herself. At no point in her life would Stacie Conrad ever want or need pity from anyone. "Stop, that's not what this is about, I'm trying to apologize, alright? I think I was hard on you because I never thought I'd hear the word quit coming from you."
For a brief second Stacie looked like she might cry but she wasn't about to let that happen, not right now, and she cleared her throat and adjusted her seat.
You admired me? Aubrey thought dumbfounded as she reflected on what her friend was saying. It was humbling, and ironic, that both of them had admired each other all this time, and yet somehow they'd never been this close. Aubrey had asked the universe for Beca and Chloe, but instead, it gave her Stacie. Sometimes the universe doesn't give us what we want, it gives us what we need.
Stacie couldn't get a read on Aubrey, so she kept talking. "Look babe, it's super late, why don't you let me take you to my place?"
The offer made Aubrey snap out of it. "Wait, you want me to stay with you?"
"Yeah, you can freshen up, and tomorrow we'll go get your whip, and we can figure out where to go from there, how does that sound?"
Aubrey blinked in surprise, but after a second she seriously considered her offer. It would simplify matters, she was certain that the nearest halfway decent hotel was an hour from here maybe more and she who knows if there were Uber drivers in the area this late.
"But Stacie are you sure?"
"Of course! Aubrey, come on, there's no way in hell I'm letting you crash in one of the motels around here. That's like Horror Movie 101, with that blonde hair and those long legs of yours, you got final girl written all over you," Stacie joked.
Aubrey giggled at being called final girl and said, "Uh- good point. Thank you, Stacie, that would be nice," After a moment of silence, Aubrey added, "You know, um, actually horror movies are a bit of a guilty pleasure for me."
Stacie grinned and said, "I always knew you were a bit of a freak."
Stacie felt relieved. Things had gotten a bit too heavy for her comfort. Stacie looked at her watch and said, "Oh it's really late, we should go, the nanny is going to be pissed."
"Right," Aubrey nodded and after Stacie dropped a twenty-dollar bill, they left the oasis.
From the Waffle House nine miles north there was a sleepy desert town called Spring Mills. Stacie lived in a charming two-story craftsman house with a two-car garage attached and plenty of open backyard space that overlooked the desert. When Stacie bought this place she had big plans of spending her nights by the fire pit and maybe putting a Jacuzzi somewhere in the back. But between her work schedule and her baby girl, she didn't have much free time for anything, much less extensive DIY renovations. She'd get around to it someday, she figured.
Aubrey paused to admire the house, it was quaint, and the construction looked sound, but the light blue paint was a little faded and could use a touch-up. The front lawn could use some landscaping. But what captivated Aubrey the most was the front door, it was a bright glossy red, and it looked fresh, liquid, and somehow seductive.
"Stace, I think your house is flirting with me."
"Oh yeah, she does that," Stacie winked and led her to the front door. "Come on."
As soon as Stacie opened the vibrant red door a little girl, with short brown hair ran over and jumped into her mother's arms. "Mommy! Mommy!" The young girl smiled brightly, showcasing her two missing front teeth. She was dressed in a pirate outfit, complete with a hat and a little sword on her belt.
"Uff," Stacie groaned at the sudden weight of the little girl in her arms. "Hey, baby girl! How's my best girl doing? Did you miss Mommy?" Stacie's face lit up at the sight of her daughter. Aubrey didn't know if she'd seen that particular expression on her friend's face before. It it beamed with pride and unconditional love. Aubrey felt a small pang of sadness in the back of her throat but pushed it down and smiled.
"Yesh! You're late!" the little girl replied with a small lisp.
"Oh? I'm late?" Stacie replied in mock confusion. "Well Mommy is sorry but it's one in the morning baby! It's way past your bedtime, my little pirate."
"But I'm not sleepy!" the little girl protested, as her eyes glazed over.
"Aw, yes you are baby! I can see it in your face! See? You have a sleepy face!" Stacie affectionately booped her nose.
"No sleepy face!" She protested once more as she rubbed her eyes.
"Sure, baby," she replied with a grin suddenly remembering her friend standing next to her. "Oh baby you remember Auntie Bree?"
"Hello, Bella! You're so big! Do you remember me?" Aubrey said with a smile, though a bit stiffly.
The little girl shied away from Aubrey and tightened her embrace to her mother. Stacie looked a bit confused. "I'm sorry, she's probably just a little tired."
Aubrey wasn't about to let them see how much that stung and said, "Oh it's OK, I um well it's nice to see you again Bella." She leaned in and smiled, but the little girl wasn't having it and turned away once more. Yeah, I get it, I'm an outsider.
"Alright my little pirate, go wash up and get ready for bed OK?"
"OK!" The little girl gave in, and after her mother set her down she ran up the stairs.
"Are you alright Bree?" Stacie asked concerned, she had a feeling that being around B.B. might have been triggering.
"Yeah I'm fine. So she's a pirate?" Aubrey changed the subject,
Stacie decided to let it go and said, "Her latest obsession, but whatever, to hell with gender roles, my baby wants to be Captain Hook, I'm all for it."
"Aw, that's sweet!"
"Why don't you go make yourself comfortable and I'll be right back. Just going talk to the nanny real quick."
Aubrey walked over to the living room and admired the place. The house felt warm and lived in. The couches had plenty of throw pillows and blankets for cozy TV watching. There was a TV above the fireplace and it was playing Hook on mute.
There were plenty of pictures of Stacie and her daughter. Aubrey couldn't help but smile and feel a little sad, seeing everything she'd never have.
"Hey, digging the place?" Stacie said as she walked towards Aubrey.
Aubrey snapped herself out of it and responded with her standard smile. "Yes, it's lovely, I was just admiring - just everything, really. You have a beautiful home Stacie and I can't believe how quickly Baby Bella has grown."
"Thanks, yeah I'm sorry she didn't recognize you, I guess it's been a while."
"Yeah and that's on me, I should have-"
"Don't do this to yourself right now, you'll get to know her again, you guys will be friends in no time, I promise."
Aubrey sighed. "Yeah, you're right, umm I hate to impose but could I- um freshen up?"
"Yeah, oh my god, dude, of course, I'm so sorry! Come on, let me show you your room."
"Here you are! Your royal suite," Stacie announced proudly as she opened the door of the guest bedroom. The walls were eggshell white and adorned with framed artwork that depicted desert landscapes, and a decorative mirror. On another wall, there was a big window that overlooked the desert. There's a queen-sized bed with crisp white linens and a generous amount of colorful fluffy pillows. And there was an en-suite bathroom with a surprisingly spacious walk-in shower with warm tan-colored tile work. Overall Aubrey found Stacie's guest room, welcoming, warm, and exactly what she needed right now.
"Nice right?" Stacie said proudly.
Aubrey turned to her and sighed, "Oh, It's perfect Stacie, thank you!"
"Don't sweat it, babe, go take a shower and get comfy, I'll go tuck Bella in and bring you some clothes, I think we're still the same size."
Aubrey wasted no time and jumped in the shower. The water was scalding and it revived her, she could feel her muscles finally relax. Her thoughts were distracted by Stacie's voice coming through a baby monitor in the bathroom. She was gently singing the lullaby that the girls had sung to B.B. when she was born all those years ago. Aubrey leaned her head against the wall as the hot water traveled through her body and she listened to the song.
"Looking like today is something good
the sun is shining only like it should
You never know what tomorrows gonna bring
But whatever it is I'm gonna sing
Oh my what a wonderful feeling
Oooo I have gotta be dreaming
Feels so good all I can do is smile
Feels so good all I can do is smile"
Aubrey always believed that Stacie had a beautiful voice, but right now her voice sounded different than how it did all those years ago. Now it was full of love. It was the voice of an amazing mother. Aubrey smiled as sadness engulfed her again. Motherhood. Aubrey wanted to cry again.
She'd been holding back for so long and now that the floodgates had been broken apart, the tears just wanted to keep coming out. She decided to let them flow as they needed. This time it felt good to cry, she felt relief. And when she got out of the shower, she noticed her reflection in the mirror and saw that she was smiling. And that was confusing for her.
Aubrey donned the robe Stacie left out for her. There was a knock on her door and when she opened it, Stacie was there with a big smile and a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon. "Nightcap?"
Aubrey sighed and thought about it for a second and looked at her watch it was 2am, but to hell with it, it's not like she was going to work tomorrow anyway. "You are a saint."
"Oh, I don't think they'd canonize me after they learn about my umm eventful undergrad years." Stacie stuck out her tongue and laughed as she led Aubrey to the living room.
"Stacie!" Aubrey laughed.
"Or hey, maybe they might, maybe they're kinky."
Both women laughed and went to the living room and sat next to each other on the couch. Stacie put one of the throws over their lap and leaned her head on Aubrey's shoulder. Aubrey instinctively rested her head over Stacie's. She realized that this was possibly the most intimate thing she'd done in a while and it was with Stacie of all people. Aubrey's gaze went back to inspecting the assorted pictures of her and B.B on the wall. She sighed and said, "You're an amazing mom, Stacie,"
"Thanks, I try, kinda tough being an only parent, you know, but seriously once you get a solid nanny and a regular schedule it makes all the difference in the world."
"Can I ask you something?"
"Is it where's the dad?" Stacie straightened up and with a raised eyebrow she prepared herself. She'd heard this question a million times before. And frankly, she was sick of it.
"What? God no, fuck that guy," Aubrey responded with noticeable disdain.
"Whoa!"
"What? I'm serious, no man that'd be willing to abandon two women as beautiful and amazing as you and B.B. is worth the air in his lungs. He can rot in hell for all I care." The second she finished her sentence she realized what she said, and she gasped and covered her mouth almost ashamed and surprised by her own words. She meant them, of course, but she didn't think she'd feel this strongly about it. She guessed the wine was already influencing her words.
"Um sorry, that was a bit unlike me, I guess I'm just feeling protective."
Stacie just looked at her. Protective? Of course, it's Aubrey after all. Then she broke down and started to laugh, tears threatening to come out. That wasn't what Stacie was expecting at all. Whenever this sore subject came up it tended to be all about how hard it must be for her without a dad, or why hadn't she given him a chance, and so on and so forth. Stacie could raise her damn baby by herself. Full stop. She kept laughing but tried her best to hold it back so she wouldn't wake B.B. up. She didn't think it was possible for her to like Aubrey more than she already did.
Aubrey found Stacie's laughter infectious, and before she knew it, she joined her and covered her mouth with one hand as she laughed. It felt good to laugh, and Aubrey realized that in the last couple of hours, she'd laughed more than she had in months.
After a few moments they quieted down, and Stacie continued, "I'm sorry, what were you going to ask?"
"Oh, it wasn't important." But it was, Aubrey, had wanted to ask Stacie what it was like to be a mother. For a long time that was all Aubrey had wanted. And though seeing Stacie with B.B. felt like ripping open an old wound, she was incredibly happy for her old friend.
After a second of silence Aubrey asked, "Stacie, just what am I gonna do about Jesse?" She really had no idea. Talking to him right now seemed terrifying and impossible.
"What do you mean? You are obviously going to talk to your husband," Stacie said plainly like it was the most obvious thing ever.
"But Stacie! What can I even say? After I-"
"Why don't you start with I'm safe or something like that, I'm sure he's worried."
"That's it?"
"Yeah, I mean it's late, you don't have to figure out your whole relationship in one night, tell him you are staying with me and when you are up for it you'll talk to him."
"I guess you're right," Aubrey admitted. It was a simplistic approach, but maybe simple is what she needed right now.
"Besides-" Stacie continued as she took another sip of her wine. "It's the right thing to do."
"It's the right thing to do?"
"Yeah! If it was me, I'd be a hella worried about you."
You'd be worried huh? Aubrey, not for the first time this night, found herself in awe of Stacie, how can someone have such a laissez-faire attitude and be so righteous at the same time? It was puzzling, and she really admired her for it. She took a deep sip of her wine, it was rich with the taste of plums and elderberry, and boldly in your face, it wanted its flavors to come through in the very tip of your tongue. But more importantly, it was hot, its alcohol content present, and she needed that.
Just let him know you're alright because it's the right thing to do. I can do that. Aubrey thought.
Around three in the morning, they called it a night. Stacie with a yawn walked Aubrey to the guestroom and hugged her good night. Aubrey jumped into the bed, it was warm and comfortable, but Aubrey knew she couldn't go to sleep yet. She had one last important thing to do, she took a deep breath and steeled herself. Maybe it was the wine-induced fake bravado or the fact that Stacie called her Aubrey. Fucking. Posen but she decided to be the version of herself that Stacie had once admired. She turned on her phone and stopped ignoring the fact that he had called twenty seven times, and had texted multiple times concerned. She opened messenger and breaking through the walls she texted Jesse.
"Hey Jesse, I just wanted to let you know I'm safe, I'm staying with Stacie in a little town called Spring Mills, I'm really sorry about today, I'll call you tomorrow and we can talk," And she hit send.
Aubrey wanted to wait for his response but the exhaustion of the day caught up with her and before she knew it she fell asleep. Her phone still in hand, vibrated as more messages came through.
To be continued.
Author's Note: I love this story and I freaking love this chapter so much. Aubrey begged the universe for a disruptor in her life, she wanted Beca to show her the error of her ways as she once had, and she wanted Chloe to unconditionally nurture her back to life. This is really a perfect example of selective memory for Aubrey because, as we all know, Chloe, while a very patient and forgiving person is not afraid to chase Aubrey down while calling her a bitch ready to throw down lol. Instead, Aubrey found a combination of both, a mother, a friend, and a no-nonsense caretaker who will provide her shelter and safety while gently and maybe not so gently reminding her of her own strength and pushing her towards doing the right thing.