Well it's been a fair while since I was able to update and I'm sorry to have left you all hanging like that. I'm sure none of you are as fascinated with my real life as I am, so I won't bore you with the lurid details as to why I've not given you updates before now. The abridged version goes something like this: Very severe arthritis in fingers, madness at work, two broken ribs and some VERY special painkillers, and something weird an hinky with my FFN account have all conspired and I can only appologise and reassure you all that no, I'm NOT abandoning you, or the story. Thank you to everyone who's reviewed lately and sorry I've not replied as I normally do - again the hinkiness of my FFN account. But it all appears to be sorted now, so I should be back on track once again. Enjoy :0)
Stephenie Meyer owns the Twilight Saga. I own twitchy fingers that enjoy writing for no profit.
Chapter 34: Comprehensions and Compressions
He wasn't at the Drop-in centre the following day. He sent a brief text not long after I was out of school letting me know that he wasn't going to be able to show, and that was all the contact I had with him that day. The following day I got another quick text, and the same again the day after; all nice messages which reassured me that he wasn't planning on just cutting me out completely after having sex with me, which during the long periods of silence was an idea that nagged at me, but the messages were also all rather non-committal and vague as to what exactly was keeping him so busy and when he might get un-busy again so we could get together. I was beginning to lose my cheerfulness which I'd felt since the end of that first date and it seemed that Charlie and my friends were noticing the change; more than once I was aware of worried glances being exchanged between Angela and Ben, and Charlie was being very careful with his words when he spoke to me, avoiding mention of a certain tall and well-built tribal chief whenever we discussed our days or what we might find to do on the Rez to keep ourselves occupied. Matters weren't helped by the fact that Jake was still sick and our fight remained unresolved so I didn't have my bright and sunny best friend to moan to about the whole thing. I'd tried to talk to Quil about it when we'd met at the diner as usual to eat and hang out, but it seemed that with each day that Jake remained sick, Quil's temper grew shorter and his tolerance for hearing Sam's name mentioned decreased. He was convinced that what had happened with Embry was about to repeat itself with Jake and so his dislike of Sam was rapidly building into hate, much as Jake's had done.
My own mood wasn't helped at all by the return of my dirty sex dream staring Sam and sweaty naked me in a writhing, tangled heap. Worse, it was no longer just the same scene with sweaty naked me on all fours and Sam plunging into me from behind. No. Now as an extra special treat I was being shown different positions and different sex acts each night, and sometimes several in one night. With Taha Aki standing long side me I watched as sweaty naked me straddled a prone Sam, riding him fast and furiously as he grasped my hips and thrust wildly up into me, as sweaty naked me I'd tried getting Taha Aki to just tell me outright why he was still pushing that particular scene down my throat; I'd already met the wolves, so it couldn't be about that. I just couldn't work out what it could be about. As annoying and frustrating as I was finding it, I could tell that Taha Aki was equally irritated by it. I'd often catch him giving me exasperated and annoyed looks, like I was the slow kid in class who was holding all the others up despite the lesson not being that hard. I was getting the feeling that I was missing something obvious and he looked about ready to hit me round the back of the head with a shovel if I didn't work it out, and yet he till refused to tell me or even give me a hint about whatever it was I was missing. All I could get out of him was a repeat of the whole "Understanding but not accepting, listening but not hearing and I was getting close to wanting to do a bit of shovel work myself, although which one of us, Taha Aki or myself, I most wanted to hit was still an unanswered question.
And so the week went on, my stride becoming gradually slower and my mood more subdued as the days passed. By the time Friday rolled around with no contact other that the few brief text messages, I was beginning to get more than a little bit stressed and upset. And then, out of the blue, on Friday he finally called. Of course he managed to call during school time when he should've realised my cell would be switched off, and he left a quick voice message for me which I didn't get until I was sitting in my truck after school, having just switched my cell back on again.
"Hi Bella." He said. "Just checking in to see how your week is going so far. Mine's been completely non-stop pretty much since Saturday afternoon, I'm sorry we've not had a chance to meet up. I'll do my best to get everything straightened out so we can get together soon though." He gave a little dry chuckle. "It sounds a bit weird, I know, but I'm actually really missing spending time with you." There was a pause and some muffled talking in the background and then he continued, a little rushed all of a sudden. "Great. Something else just came up so I've got to go. I'll see you soon. I hope." And there the message ended. I tried not to think about how ironically without hope his last two words actually sounded. It almost seemed as if something was specifically keeping him away from me, not just keeping him busy in general. "I'm just being paranoid." I told myself. "There's nothing more sinister than the simple fact that he's run off his feet with all the responsibilities he's got. In fact it's really quite amazing he was able to find the time to fit me in before." Although the thought sounded completely logical to me, it did nothing to quiet the building unease I'd been feeling all week. No. It was more than just unease. I felt strangely disconnected and sort of, I cringed at the thought, empty. It wasn't the same howling emptiness I'd felt after H-Edward had gone; I was still functioning and I didn't feel like my heart and lungs had been torn out, but maybe like a lesser organ was missing, or a limb. Yes that was closer. I felt like I was missing a limb I'd previously not noticed I'd had and the resulting lack of balance in body and mind was distracting and disturbing. The feeling didn't bode well for my continuing insistence that I had no real, serious feelings for Sam, but I resolutely put that thought right out of my head. I sat there for a few minutes considering the events, or non-events of the week. In the end it was the recollection of the worried looks I'd been getting from Charlie that spurred me into taking matters, or more specifically, my mood into my own hands. I needed to pull myself up by the bootstraps. I couldn't allow myself to fall into the same state I'd not only allowed myself to fall into but had actively encouraged myself to stay in when … Edward had left. This wasn't the same situation after all, and even if it had been, I wouldn't ever put Charlie through that again. I'd made a promise. Stiffening my resolve and my spine I started up the truck and drove off towards La Push. What I needed was some balance so I could look at things a little more rationally and I knew just how to find that balance.
My little hollowed out shelter was as quiet and peaceful as it always was. The pile of dry sand inside still held the imprint of my butt from the previous Saturday as evidence that no-one else had been there – at least in the last week. Already feeling more at ease before I'd even begun my meditation, I lowered myself onto the sand and shuffled my ass until I was completely comfortable, then crossed my legs and rested my hands in my lap as usual, focusing all my thoughts on the sounds of the waves and matching my breathing to the noise.
In.
Out.
In.
Out.
It took remarkably little time for me to drop into my relaxed meditative state, now that I understood exactly what it was I was doing, and how to do it correctly; the thoughts and emotions fell away like a heavy, schoolbook laden backpack dropped to the floor at the end of a long day. I drifted out of my body and mind, letting the thoughts and memories come to me as they wanted as had become my standard practice.
For once the first thought to come forward didn't gently float into the front of my mind and lightly bump at my consciousness. Instead it tore forward at breakneck speed and almost jolted me fully awake and alert. Clearly it was more than a little bit important that I finally settle this, though I distantly wondered with a snarky mental tone if it was important to me or to the ever more impatient Taha Aki, that it was settled. Those goddamn in-head porn flicks. Why I was getting re-plays of that graphic sex dream once again? The wolves standing guard outside had become perfectly clear, and had been confirmed once I'd seen the wolf pack out in the meadow – the dream wolves were all the same colourings as those in my dream and the only real surprise in their appearance was their sheer size; my dreams had provided me with no scale to help me understand just how enormous they really were. So there was no question in my mind as to why I'd been dreaming of them. The graphic porny-ness of the rest of those dreams and exactly why I was still being treated to a nightly re-run, was the question though. It was clear that there was something there what Taha Aki wanted me to understand and accept, and equally clear was the fact that he was becoming more than a little frustrated and annoyed with me for not getting it. I recalled the images of the dream scene and tried to look at them as clinically as possible.
The scene, apart from being undeniably hot was incredibly intense. Sweaty naked me in the dream wasn't just being made love to, or even being fucked. It was somehow more than that. I looked at the images again, not allowing the lust to build up in my head, but keeping myself as emotionless as possible. "The position, the fist in the hair, and the almost aggressive way that sweaty naked me is being taken is definitely more than a little submissive. Not like I'm being forced, but like I'm allowing Sam to dominate me. To claim me." The idea popped into my head without me realising it, and this time, along with the right feeling, Taha Aki's voice rang through my mind with a sort of relieved triumph.
"Right. Finally right." He said, his tone coloured with exasperated fondness.
"Seriously? I wondered. "Claiming me? Like we're not even humans? Like animals? Like swans or penguins, or wolv… OH FUCK!" I jolted back into my body so suddenly it was almost painful. The glaringly obvious truth was flashing like a neon sign right in front of me. "Oh DOUBLE FUCK!" Now that I was staring right down the barrel of the facts in their Technicolor glory, I realised it wasn't just the one obvious truth I was being confronted with.
"God, no wonder Taha Aki was about one more night's repetition of the dream from ripping off one of my arms and beating me over the head with the bloody end." I ranted to myself "It's so obvious it practically came with its own wiki entry. And the only thing that was really keeping me from seeing it was my own bloody minded stubborn determination not to see, know and accept the truth." I stared blankly out of the overhanging roots of my shelter, desperately clinging to the tiny calm I was still able to gather from the movement of the dark grey waves I could just see from my position. I felt like I was spinning and falling at a million miles an hour, the cold hard ground rushing up towards me had two cold hard facts written on it in 3 foot high letters.
Firstly Sam Uley is a wolf. Why else would the rest of the pack be guarding outside during our dream sexscapades? And what was more, judging by the wolf that was always inside with us in my dreams he was clearly the large, black wolf, the leader as far as I could work out from our meeting.
As astounding as this fact was to me, and as huge as this situation was, it was dwarfed by the second undeniable truth that had hit me at the same time; If Sam was a wolf, and if wolves mated for life, and if Sweaty naked Sam was a nightly fixture tangled in a moaning, groaning, writhing sex dream with Sweaty naked me, then the only possible conclusion was that
I was Sam's mate.
…
…
I was somehow both reeling from the revelation and yet at the same time suddenly empty headed and numb. How could this have happened? Just a few months before I had been fighting against the possibility of changing, desperate to ensure that I could still belong with Edward should he ever return. For all that I had felt that right feeling echoing through me, I couldn't see how this could seem more wrong. I had faced the fact that I'd changed so much that mine and Edward's souls would never fit again; more than faced it. I'd actively been making changes to speed the course along, not wanting to torture myself with a long drawn out process. But knowing that I'd successfully altered my soul so much that I now fit with someone else, someone so completely different was still a slightly bitter pill to swallow. The hole in my chest, which I'd thought was all but healed gave a lurching twinge, tugging my breath from me and forcing me to fold over where I sat, struggling to drag in more air. Fighting off the panic, I forced myself to think around the threatening blackness.
"Calm yourself, Bella, just like any other time you've felt overwhelmed, take it one bit at a time." I told myself, grasping desperately at the thought and the chance of stability it offered. "Firstly, is it just stubborn reluctance to accept the fact that even if Edward was to return to me, we were no longer soul mates, or am I still in love with him?" I debated the question carefully. Edward, apart from being the perfect match to my soul had been my first love. As cliché as it had always sounded to me, I could see the truth behind the statement that you never forget your first love. But did I still feel the same way about him now?
No.
Although a part of me would always love Edward, I was no longer in love with him. I'd never forget my time with him – I didn't want to forget, and I'd always be grateful to him and to the rest of the Cullens for the love and care they'd had for me. Also I could never deny the fact that had I never met Edward I would've been squashed to Bella jam on that icy morning when Tyler lost control of his truck. But that was all that was left of my feelings for Edward. A fond memory and a warm sense of love, similar to the love I felt for Angela or for Renee and Charlie.
Something I couldn't quite grasp about this new revelation though, was that I hadn't recognised our connection before now. Unless I was very mistaken, neither had Sam. Surely if we were fated, if we were soul-mates, then at least one of us would've been aware of it. Shouldn't there have been some sort of undeniable draw to each other? Some unmistakeable sign that we were meant to be together for the rest of our lives? With Edward I had most certainly felt a strong draw. Almost from the very first moment I saw him I was fascinated and with every moment we spent together after that I felt myself pulled to him more and more until I couldn't fathom the idea of a life without him. Until he'd left. If I was correct, and the shape of my soul had now changed sufficiently that Sam was my new soul mate, where was that magnetic pull? Sure I was attracted to him. Very attracted actually, and judging by what had happened between us that morning in his bathroom, he was fairly attracted to me too. But I only had to look at the week, during which we'd seen noting of each other for the evidence that we weren't inseparable. Certainly I'd missed him; enough that it had seriously affected my mood and my day to day life, but I couldn't have imagined being separated from Edward in the same way while we were mates without it being almost unbearable to both of us.
The fact was that I wasn't going to get the answers that I needed sitting and staring blankly into space inside my shelter; needed to get out of there and go find Sam. Maybe the answers would come to me once I was face to face with him. Decision made, I was filled with a sudden rush of energy. I couldn't sit inactive inside my little shelter for another moment. I surged to my feet and pushed through the hanging roots out onto the beach. The crash of the waves against the shingle, which had been so relaxing to me just a few minutes earlier, seemed now to be ramping my adrenalin up, pouring a throbbing, singing heat into my veins, causing my every muscle to almost vibrate with the desire to do something about the decision I had made. This wouldn't do. I needed to focus, I needed to act with purpose, I needed to... "Go find Sam." I told myself. Still standing there on the beach outside my shelter, I began casting my eyes around, looking, I guessed, for some hint as to which way I should go, where I would be most likely to find Sam. I was still completely alone on the beach, the only hint of anyone else within miles of me being the small cluster of cars parked outside the beach side diner about half a mile away. For lack of anything else to hint at where I should begin my search for Sam, I was about to head off towards the diner when out the corner of my eye my attention was caught by the door of a house opening. The Clearwater's house. It was Harry, heading out alone somewhere. He cut across the grass in front of his house, walking steadily towards the tree line, his right hand massaging his left in that now familiar gesture of his. A replay of the dream I'd had of him collapsing in the woods suddenly flashed before my eyes and the unfocused energy singing through my veins reached a crescendo and narrowed down into a point of focus so tight I could almost see it as an arrow pointing directly at Harry.
"Now, now, NOW, young one. It's time to act." Taha Aki's voice rang out through my head, a striking counterpoint to the singing energy inside me. I gave a determined nod and strode off purposefully after the older man, my mission to go find Sam put on a back burner for now. Surprisingly absent of my usual tendency to trip over thin air, my determined stride soon had me catching up to Harry, and so I called out, wanting to join him officially, rather than having to trail around behind him without him knowing. He stopped when I called, and turned. Seeing who I was, he waited for me to reach him with a smile.
"Well hello there, young Bella. What can I do for you?" He asked in his usual friendly manner. Thinking quickly, I made an excuse for stopping him.
"I was wondering if I could join you if you're heading into the forest. I used to enjoy walking in there, but ever since the rogue bear sightings, Charlie made me promise not to wander through the woods alone. So if I can go with you, I'm not breaking my promise." I offered him a shy smile and he grinned in return.
"Well I'm only going a few hundred yards in, not even enough to be out of ear-shot from the beach, but I'd welcome the company." He held out an elbow for me to link my arm with his and together we went into the trees. For nearly an hour we wandered through the trees with no method which I could see, although it seemed that Harry had a route fixed in his head; at no point did he look undecided as to his direction. As we wandered we chatted about Charlie and Billy, about school and about Sue and the clinic. Just general chit-chat about nothing important. I'd tried at the beginning to steer the conversation in a more supernatural direction – asking if he had any old stories to tell to keep me entertained. All that earned me was a cagey look and a
"Sorry, Bella. I was never very good at story telling – even when the kids were small I was never the one to read to them at bedtime." He then went on to tell me a few hilarious stories about things Seth had gotten up to as a toddler, giving the lie to his claim to be bad at telling stories. I let it pass; I hadn't really expected to get anything out of him really – and I wasn't sure I would've been able to focus on what he was saying anyway. I was wound up like a spring, knowing that at any moment he was likely to collapse and that I would be the one expected to save him when it happened. I only listened to his chatter about the latest goings on at the Rez's clinic with half my mind; the other half was busy reviewing what I'd learned in health class about CPR so that I'd be ready when needed. Every so often Harry paused in his journey, setting up a new trap here, re-setting or emptying an existing one there, and always unconsciously rubbing at his left hand and arm. We were circling back round towards the beach and I could hear the faint roar of the waves crashing against the shore when it finally happened. Harry stood up from re-setting a trap and staggered a little, his shoulder crashing into a tree. At first I just thought he'd stumbled on a protruding root, but when his face suddenly paled dramatically and his hand ceased it's rubbing at his left arm and instead clutched at his chest, I knew that the inevitable had happened. Knowing it was coming, however, didn't really seem to lessen the shock as far as I was concerned. Seeing his normally olive complexion pale so fast, like someone had flicked a pump on and was draining the blood out of him was more than alarming. If I hadn't been ready for it I would almost certainly have panicked. As it was, it still took me a few seconds to kick start myself into action. I managed to reach for him just in time to slow his fall to the ground and prevent further injury, and I quickly pulled him around so that he was flat on his back.
"Harry!" I shouted to him, squeezing his shoulder and trying to get some sort of response, though I held out little hope that I'd get anything. Sure enough, one look into his face confirmed that he was no longer conscious. His eyes were rolled right back and his lips were face turning an alarming shade of blue, contrasting heavily with the greying pallor of the rest of his face. Following the instruction I'd leaned in health class, I quickly checked his mouth to make sure there were no obstructions and tilted his chin up, opening his airway as best I could. Bending down to put my ear next to his mouth, I simultaneously watched his chest for signs that he might still be breathing. I waited for the longest ten seconds I could ever remember. Nothing. Still nothing. Still nothing. Reaching into my pocket, I pulled out my cell and dialled 911, while I fumbled at his throat desperately for a pulse. Nothing there either. I hit loudspeaker on my cell and began chest compressions as I'd been taught. However ridiculous it might have been had anyone else been there to witness it, I followed a tip I'd once heard and followed the rhythm of the children's song "Nellie the elephant" as I worked, Mumbling it under my breath to keep my compressions at the right tempo. After less than thirty seconds and more than three centuries, an operator finally answered.
"911. What's your emergency?" I heard the steady calm voice on the other end of the line ask. I quickly gave Harry two mouth-to-mouth breaths before I responded. "I need an ambulance. I'm on the Quileute Rez and the man I'm with has collapsed. He's not breathing and I couldn't find a pulse. I'm doing CPR on him right now." I told her in a frantic voice, between the grunts of exertion I was making from keeping up the chest compressions as I spoke.
"I'm despatching the EMTs now. Can you give us a clearer location please?" The operator asked, and I glanced over my shoulder through the trees towards the beach, hoping I'd be able to catch a glimpse of some kind of land mark to help them find us. I was in luck. I could just make out the outline of a building which I was fairly sure was the beach café a few hundred yards away. Well at least I hoped it was; it was the best lead I had to go on. I paused to give Harry a couple more breaths before answering the operator.
"We're in the woods a few hundred yards behind the beach café I think." I told her, puffing with effort as I once again began the chest compressions.
"Ok, M'am. I've passed that onto the EMTs. What's your name please?" Rolling my eyes at what I considered a pointless question, I continued on with my task, my muscles already growing tired with the (hopefully) life-saving motions.
"It's Bella. Bella Swan." I answered between clenched teeth. Can you tell me how long the ambulance is likely to be? I'm all alone here and CPR is a hell of a lot more tiring than I'd thought it might be. I'm not going to give up on him, but it would help if I had an idea of how long I need to hold out." I returned to breathing for Harry as she answered.
"They're coming as fast as they can, Bella, but you're pretty out of the way there and even when they get to the café parking lot, the EMTs have still got to find your exact location. Do you think you could shout loud enough for help that someone might hear?" she asked. "If someone hears they could split the work with you. Even if they don't know what they're doing, you could coach them along so they can help you." She had a point. I remembered now that the first aid instructor in health class had told us to shout for help before beginning CPR so as not to end up in just this situation. "Stupid, stupid Bella. Should've thought of that." I berated myself. "Even if no-one at the café hears me, with their sensitive hearing, the chances are that one of the wolves might."
"Ok I'll give it a go." I told the operator, and I heaved in a massive breath and yelled at the top of my lungs. "HELP! HELP!" I went back to the chest compressions, finding it ever harder to keep up the gruelling pace. "Nellie the elephant packed her trunk, and trundled off to the circus." I mumbled to myself, forcing myself to keep to the rhythm of the song. It seemed like forever, the operator offering occasional support on the cell, and me only pausing in the compressions to give Harry his two breaths when needed, but finally I heard a crashing in the bushes in from of me. "Fuck. I hope that's either a wolf or a human, cos if it's Victoria then both Harry and I are soundly fucked." I thought to myself. "Help!" I yelled out again, not pausing in my work, "I'm here with Harry Clearwater. He needs help!" Finally the crashing resolved itself into two people pushing through the undergrowth. Leah and Seth. Ironic that it was them, and probably not who I would've chosen if I'd had to pick my help from the whole tribe, but at least they'd be properly invested in helping me. Leah staggered to a halt in front of Harry and me, Seth crashing into her back as he rushed forward to see what was wrong.
"Dad!" they both yelled in sync, and Leah fell to her knees next to me. I paused in my compressions once again to give Harry his next two breaths.
"Leah. Do you know CPR?" I asked her. She stared blankly into my face, obviously overcome by shock. I tried again. "LEAH! Your Dad needs you to focus right now. Do you know CPR?" she snapped back into herself somewhat and offered me a shaky nod. "Ok. Then I need you to take over the compressions for a bit and I'll do the breaths, I've been keeping it up for quite a while and I'm not sure I have much left in me." Her face lost a little of its blankness and took on a shade of determination as she took my place, her hands replacing mine on Harry's chest. Her first compression looked way too hard for me, so I gently nudged her arm. "Not quite so hard, Leah." I warned her. "Just let your bodyweight do the work." She adjusted accordingly and the next compression was much better. "That's it." I encouraged. "Now just sing 'Nellie the elephant' in your head to keep the right rhythm, and when I say, pause so I can give him two breaths." She looked up at me in astonishment at my advice so I gave her a calm, reassuring nod. "I promise, it'll help." I told her.
"She's right." The operator's voice gave me a jump as she agreed with me; I'd almost completely forgotten she was there. "Keep that song in your head as you do the compressions and you'll be keeping the right tempo for him. The EMTs estimate ten more minutes to arrival." She said in a calm voice. I wondered how long I'd already been performing CPR before help had arrived, but didn't bother voicing my question.
"Seth. I need you to run down to the parking lot and direct the EMTs back here when they arrive, ok?" I asked the boy, noting his tear-streaked face with pity, but not able to just let him stand there doing nothing when he could be of use. "Leah, two more, then stop so I can give Harry two breaths, then start again." Leah nodded, and I looked back up to tell Seth again what I needed him to do, but he'd already made a move, jogging off thought the trees towards the beach to wait for the ambulance. After five more cycles of compressions and breaths, I leant across and took over from Leah, directing her to take over the breathing in my place. "We need to switch back and forth about every five cycles so we don't get too tired, ok?" I asked her. Leah just nodded in determination and we worked steadily together to keep Harry alive, the only sounds between us, the occasional grunt of exertion, a muttered "Two breaths now." And the snatches of mumbled song to keep rhythm. "Off she went with a trumpety trump….."
After God knows how long, I suddenly broke off half-way through a cycle of compressions as a hacking cough broke through the quiet. Harry was breathing on his own. I scrambled up to his head and gently pushed Leah to one side as I quickly tilted Harry's chin as far back as I could to keep his airway open. "He's breathing on his own, Leah, he's breathing!" I spluttered. Help me get him over onto his side so we can get him into recovery position."
"Well done, Bella, Leah." Cam the operator's voice once again. "The EMTs say they're just approaching the café now." She went on, and sure enough, now that I wasn't so tightly focused on Harry, I could hear the siren not too far off.
"Thank you." I said with heart-felt relief to the operator. "Should we hang up now?" "You're more than welcome. And yes." Came the friendly reply and I hit the end button on my cell, slumping back on my heels and staring over Harry into Leah's shell-shocked face. She stared back for several moments, as lost for words as I was. Then as the noises behind me became clear – the approach of Seth with the EMTs- her eyes filled with tears. Brushing them angrily aside, Leah swallowed painfully and straightened her shoulders. Taking a deep breath she met my eyes firmly and spoke.
"Thank you." She said.