The tops of the columns of Sky's four-poster bed melt into the darkness, just like her body is melting into the mattress. Nothing exists but this moment, the way her heart is bursting through her breastbone, the way Cody's mouth finds hers, as if he's dying of thirst and only her lips can save him.
His kisses taste like salt and iron and need as he presses her down on the bed. His body is lean and strong on top of her, shivering under her touch as her hands roam over the smooth skin of his naked chest, the round muscle of his shoulders. Soft sighs and moans are dropping off his lips into her mouth, and she's drinking each and every one of them like they are holy wine, the source of life itself.
Her chest is aching. She's missed him terribly. She can't remember why they've been apart, but she knows it's been a lifetime since he's last held her like this, since she's tasted his kisses, since she's cradled him in her arms, and she's burning for him, burning like a flame, her body tense and restless in the need to get him closer, closer, closer.
She is naked already, but he is still wearing his jeans. The rough denim fabric against the sensitive skin of her inner thighs, her soaking wet sex, sends intense waves of pleasure through her core. She can feel his arousal, the shape of his cock against her slickness and it's driving her mad. She wants him, wants him horribly, she wants those jeans off of him, wants to feel that cock pushing into her heat, shattering her to million pieces, turning her into flames and sparkles and stardust.
Panting, he sits up, kneeling on the bed between her legs and his eyes are dark as the night sky. His heaving chest is white as marble, the moving shadows dance on his muscled torso. He is a work of art, he is sculpted by Michelangelo himself, perfect, flawless, beautiful.
"Tell me you want me," he rasps, his voice cracking with need.
"I want you more than anything," she breathes and it is the truth. He is the only thing she wants, the only thing she needs, and this - this joining - will fix everything, it will mend the crack in her chest, the dark, empty hole in her soul, it will end the nightmares and the sorrows and the guilt and the shame—
She doesn't know where those sudden thoughts come from, and she pushes them away. There are no sorrows when she's with him. There are no nightmares. This moment is an eternity, and nothing outside of this bed exists.
He opens the buckle of his belt, the buttons of his jeans, and the movements of his long, graceful fingers are too slow for her liking. Just watching him is almost enough to undo her. Her gaze is glued on the waistband of his jeans. The dark trail of hair that leads down from his belly button teases her, she wants to reach out to touch it, to follow it with her fingertips, to lick it and taste the salt and the musk of his skin, but then he's pushing down his pants and his underwear and her mind goes blank. Her ears start ringing.
His dick is fucking gorgeous. It's so long and thick, standing erect against his stomach, and as his fingers curl around it to pump slowly, leisurely, a couple of times, Sky can't help a whine that leaves her throat. Hearing that sound, he smirks down at her, his eyes dark and deep like the Ocean before a storm.
"See something you like?" His voice is rough, throaty. Unable to draw her eyes away, Sky watches how his hand moves on his cock, how the clear droplets of pre-cum form on the tip, and her mouth goes dry with need.
"God, yes. I want you. I want you now."
That's all it takes. He's back on top of her, kicking off his jeans and his underwear, pressing his dick against her slick folds, his hot, panting breaths falling to her lips as she brings a hand down between their bodies, impatient in her need, grips him hard and guides him in.
"Ohmygod—" she whines, as he sinks deep into her heat, stretching her to her limit. "Ohsweetjesuscody—!"
"Fuck—" he groans, his lips touching hers. "Fuck, Sky, so fucking good—"
He's not taking it slow this time, and that's the way she wants it. From the first push, he finds a rhythm, his strokes are hard and deep - as if he's missed this too, as if he's been dying without her too, just like she's been nothing but a shadow of a girl during their time apart, drowning in grief and in tears—
No tears now. His kisses taste like salt, but it's not the taste of tears but the taste of passion. His trembling body on top of her is everything she's ever wanted, and her hands roam over every inch of the burning skin she can reach. The smooth muscle of his lower back, the sharp edges of his shoulder blades— she can't get enough of him. She needs this, his hot skin under her palms, as soft as silk, his scent of cotton and boy and that spicy cologne filling her nostrils with every inhale, needs his dick inside of her, filling her so completely that the pleasure is edged with pain, she fucking needs this reassurance that he is really here, that he is safe, that he is alive, that he is not dead—
Dead. Sky blinks away that thought. No. Why would I think that? She wraps her arms around his neck as he picks up a faster pace, his hips hitting into her so deep that her whole consciousness diminishes into the small area between her legs, where he's entering her again and again and again. The pleasure is making her crazy, she whines and whimpers under him, squirms to get him even deeper, her hips answering his moves in perfect sync.
He brings up his face, to see her better and his eyes are wide, filled with passion and pleasure, his cheeks are burning, red all the way to his ears that always look a bit too big compared to his delicate face.
"Tell me you love me," he moans, his voice strangled with barely contained lust. "Tell me you love me, Sky, I don't care if it's a lie."
Her fingers grip his nape, her lips almost touch his as her back arches with pleasure. The breathless words that leave her lips are not entirely her own, they are born of something primitive inside of her, something she can't control, they come from a place where no lies exist.
"I love you, I love you, I love you—"
Her words shatter him. He buries his face into her neck, buries himself into her body as if she's his heaven. His breathing turns into fast, strangled panting breaths, telling her he's getting close.
"Please—" he whines, pleasure making his voice thin. "Please—"
And she knows what he's asking. That she would love him, body and soul and heart, that she would love him, just him, no one else. That's what he's asking, to hear her say his name at this moment, to let him know he's finally found what he's always been looking for.
"Cody, my love, Cody—"
Her heels dig into his ass, begging him to fuck her even harder, and he obeys. His body is a trembling string, every push into her dripping heat is now sharp, fast, desperate, as if he too knows they are on borrowed time, that this is a stolen moment, a memory or a dream, that this isn't real and he doesn't want to lose one second of what they have.
She brings her hands to his hair and pulls him into another kiss. Their lips merge, he is whining into her mouth. The taste of iron fills her senses. The silky strands of his hair are wet and hot under her touch, they escape her grip, and suddenly she feels like she can't breathe—
The taste of blood fills her mouth. Gasping, she breaks the kiss, and he pulls back, his chest heaving, his eyes wide as he looks down at her.
"What's wrong?" He breaths. "Are you alright?"
His hair is dripping blood. It covers her hands, red rivers run down her wrists and her forearms as her fingers are still buried deep in his hair. And she can't let go, can't let go, can't let go because if she does his head will fall apart, she knows it now, can feel the sharp, moving splinters of bone, the hot blood that's gushing out of him, but she can't stop it, she never could, it was always going to end like this, his blood on her hands, the life going out of his eyes, and—
"Don't be sad. It's not your fault."
Sky woke up screaming.
Her throat was burning, raw from crying, and the taste of blood—
Nausea rolled in her stomach, and she threw the covers off, was on her feet in a heartbeat. Cold sweat covered her body, gluing her Hello Kitty pajamas to her skin as she stumbled across the dark room, yanked the bathroom door open, and threw herself on her knees on the cold floor just in time to empty her stomach into the toilet instead of all over herself.
The taste of her vomit wasn't enough to cover the taste of blood that still lingered. Her ears were ringing as she hurled the contents of her stomach into the toilet again and again, retching until nothing came out but bitter, green bile.
She reached a trembling hand to flush the toilet, kept swallowing the burning saliva that filled her mouth as she stared at the swirling water. A dream. Just a dream. Cody was dead. His blood was on her hands—
"Sky, what happened? Are you sick?" Dad's voice startled her, and she turned to look over her shoulder, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand.
Dad stood in the doorway barefoot, in his pajama shorts and an old, worn T-shirt, his blond hair a mess. His green eyes were still sleepy, but edged with concern and Sky felt like crap for waking him up.
She turned her eyes away and crawled further from the toilet seat, slumping to lean against the wall. Shivers were running through her body, and her stomach felt uneasy. She was exhausted after being sick so violently, but the worst thing was the way the dream still held a grip on her. It still felt more real than this moment, the harsh light of the bathroom, the cold wall against her back
"Just a bad dream," she rasped, her voice burning her throat.
"About Cody?"
"Yeah."
Letting out a long sigh, Dad walked into the bathroom, took a glass from the cupboard, and filled it with cold water before taking a seat on the floor next to Sky. He offered her the glass, and she accepted it, took a sip to wash away the bitter taste of the vomit that still lingered on her tongue.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Dad asked, his tone soft and gentle.
"Not particularly."
Sky closed her eyes and rested the back of her head against the tiled wall, swallowing down the bile that tried to crawl up her throat. She could still feel Cody's weight on top of her, his kisses burning her to ashes. His scent of cotton and books and the spicy aftershave. The sound of his voice, when he had called her name. The burning hot rivers of his blood running down her arms.
Dad didn't force her to talk, for which Sky was immensely grateful. In silence, he wrapped an arm around her, pulling her close and Sky curled under his arm, pressing her face against his chest. His familiar scent that had always been enough to banish every nightmare felt like home, it grounded her and her heartbeat slowly calmed down.
"It's okay," Dad said, holding her as if she was still a baby. "It's okay. It was just a dream. I'm here. It's going to be okay."
Sky didn't know how much time passed. She didn't even know what time it was, but if she had to guess, she'd say it was around 4 am. Another sleepless night then, for there was no hope she could sleep after this, not even if Dad stayed in her room. The thought that she'd have to go to school tomorrow with these eyes—
School was already hard enough, with her brain injury and all the bullying. The fact that she wasn't sleeping at all, was too much.
After a small eternity, she released herself from under Dad's arm. Her voice came out weak and broken through her burning throat.
"Can I ask you something?"
"Anything," Dad said, taking her hand. "You know that."
"Did you— did you have nightmares too, after Mom died?"
Dad let out a sigh. "I did."
"You still get them?"
"Sometimes," he admitted. "But very rarely. It does get easier."
"How?" Her question is forced with sheer desperation. She felt like she could burst into tears at any moment, the burning behind her eyes made her lips tremble. "How does it get easier? How did you— get over it?"
"I had you," Dad replied as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. He squeezed her hand in his. "I made the decision to live, to get better, because you needed me. And little by little things got easier."
"Right." Sky rolled her eyes. "So basically you're saying I should get pregnant to find something worth living for?"
"Gods, no! Please, do come up with something else," Dad groaned, running a hand through his messy hair. "Though I do hope that you know that if that would happen, I would still be here for you. Helping any way I can."
"Yeah well, no need to worry. I'm not pregnant."
The truth was that Sky had never wanted kids, had never dreamed of becoming a mom - maybe because she had never had a mom. Even when she'd been small and all the other girls in the kindergarten had been playing with their dolls, Sky had detested the idea. She'd grabbed the superhero figurines instead, or the cars or the Legos - and bonded with Kat over their shared interests. But now—
Sky couldn't stop the deep, painful regret that was an ache in her gut, in her bones. Yeah, she was still a kid herself, and yeah, becoming a teen mom was amongst her worst nightmares, but still— she couldn't stop thinking about the time she'd slept with Cody on his birthday, and wish that things would have gone differently. She had been on the pill at the time, but God, she almost hoped the pills would have failed, that she would have gotten pregnant that night, that she could have given birth to Cody's baby. Not because she wanted to be a Mom, but to keep at least some part of him alive. The thought that he was gone, that every part of him, his skin, his hair, his blood, his cells, his DNA, the very building blocks of his being were all now just ashes, that nothing of them remained— it was fucking unbearable.
She pressed a hand on her belly, feeling the ache deep in her gut. Her palm was still sweaty after the dream, her fingers cold, she felt like there was a lump of ice inside the cage of her ribs, slowly freezing her over.
"Let's get you back to bed," Dad said, maybe noticing the shivers of cold that kept running through her body. "And I'll get you a cup of hot chocolate. How does that sound?"
"Yeah, okay."
"It's gonna make you feel better."
Sky swallowed the lump of tears and nausea in her throat, pushed herself up onto her shaky legs, with Dad's help, and let him walk her back to the bed.
Dad was gone for five minutes but it felt like a lifetime. The clock on Sky's nightstand told her it was 4 am, and the world was dark, it was silent. No sounds of cars or people, just the wind that sang in the trees behind her window, Dad's soft humming in the kitchen downstairs. Sky sat on the bed, leaning her back on the pillows that were propped against the headboard, drawing her knees against her chest, staring into the shadows that moved like living things in the corners of her room.
She thought about Kat, emerging from that dark corner the last time she'd seen her, her slender black-clad body barely more than a shadow amongst the shadows. Ghosts. Sky thought about ghosts, about Cathy's ghost in Wuthering Heights, her cold fingers that grasped Lockwood's hand when he opened the window to break off the branch that had been banging on it. Let me in, let me in. I'm come home. I'd lost my way on the moor. And she thought about Cody, who had sat on this bed a lifetime ago, taking her hand, saying This bed is crazy. It's very Wuthering Heights, and more than anything she wished he would show himself to her, that he would crawl back over the dark river, even if Kat had said it was impossible, that she could take his warm hand one last time, that she could see him as he had truly been, not bloody and dying as he was in these awful nightmares that tortured her night after night, but his true self - smiling, radiant, beautiful. If only he'd come back to her, one last time so that she could tell him she was sorry, that she missed him, that she loved him.
Dad's soft footsteps neared the door, and Sky forced her eyes away from the shadows, her thoughts away from the ghosts, as he stepped into the room, holding a steaming cup of hot chocolate with a mountain of whipped cream on top.
"There you go," Dad said, offering her the hot drink, and Sky took it, propping the mug on top of her knees while Dad took a seat on the edge of the bed.
"Thanks," Sky replied, stirring the spoon in the cup. "You didn't have to do this. It was just a nightmare… You can go back to bed if you want to."
But Dad made no sign of leaving. His eyes were still filled with worry when he observed her take a sip of the hot chocolate.
"How are things with Eli?" he asked then, out of the blue.
Sky shrugged, keeping her eyes on the cup that was perched on her knees. It was blissfully warm on her frozen fingers.
"Okay, I guess." A short silence followed her words. "I think… that he wants to ask me to the prom."
"Oh," Dad said, his brows arching on his forehead. "And do you want to go?"
Another short silence. Sky kept stirring the chocolate in the cup, making the whipped cream melt into the beverage. The sweet scent of cocoa filled her senses but wasn't enough to mend the ache in her chest, the hollowness that still lingered after the dream.
"I don't know. He… tried to ask me yesterday, at school. But I didn't let him finish."
Dad shifted on the bed as if he was carefully balancing the words in his mind before letting them out.
"Maybe going to the prom would do you good. It could give you something else to think about."
An arrow through her chest. As if she wanted something else to think about. Makeup and dresses and hairdos and high heels— it all felt so stupid now, so meaningless, now that Cody was dead, now that his body was a pile of ashes, his soul long gone over the dark river, now that he would never get to attend a prom, a wedding, a movie premiere.
"I don't know—" she breathed, emotion getting caught in her throat. "Honestly— I think it's not fair to Hawk if I say yes and go with him, and then I'm just a mess, crying after my dead ex all night. He deserves better. It's better if I don't go at all."
"Sky—" Dad hesitated for a short moment. "If you don't feel ready to go to the prom with Eli, then tell him so. That boy loves you. I'm sure he'll understand if you're honest about your feelings. And there is a prom next year too, it's not like this is the last chance you'll get."
"I just— It's not fair. I broke up with Cody to be with Hawk— and now I can't even look at him without thinking about Cody. It's all messed up. He should just forget about me and move on."
Dad didn't reply, but his eyes grew sad, and he reached a hand to brush Sky's cheek gently. His sadness broke something in Sky's chest. He didn't deserve this, this neverending sadness and drama. She wished she could be a better daughter to him, someone he could be proud of instead of someone who was always causing trouble, someone who was nothing but a burden.
"Have you thought about my offer?" Dad asked silently, changing the subject. Sky's eyes met his over the cup of hot chocolate that was still balanced on her knees.
"Which one?"
"About moving away. We could go anywhere you want to. Maybe a fresh start somewhere else would help you to move on."
Another arrow through her heart. Sudden tears blurred Sky's vision.
"I said I'm not sure if I want to go to the prom. It doesn't mean I want to move away and leave everything."
"Just hear me out, Sky. After Kat died, moving away helped you. I know bad things have happened since, but the first months here were good. You got new friends, you started dating Eli and doing karate, and then you won the tournament— you were happy. None of that would have happened, had we stayed in Boston. So maybe another new start—"
"What about Lisa?" Sky interrupted Dad's sentence, her fingers gripping the cup so hard it was a wonder it didn't crack.
"Lisa?" Dad's brows formed two confused arcs on his forehead. "What about her?"
"You know, your girlfriend? I thought you were in love with her. How come you wanna move away?"
"Oh…" Dad ran a hand through the mess of his hair and let out a sigh. "About Lisa. Well— we're… on a break. So, you don't have to worry about that. I am free to move if that's what's best for you."
A horrible feeling clenched Sky's chest at Dad's words. On a break— She knew they'd been having some issues, but she hadn't known this. Like a punch in the face came the realization of whose fault it was, that Dad's girlfriend was dumping him.
"You're on a break? Is it— because of me?"
Dad's sigh and the way his eyes avoided hers told Sky the truth, even if he tried to deny it.
"It's not that simple. Sometimes people just— want different things in a relationship."
"Oh my God," Sky breathed, feeling absolutely miserable. "Dad— you have to fix it. You need to call her, first thing in the morning, and tell her—"
"Sky—"
"No, I mean it! You were happy with her. I know it. And I can't— I don't want you to mess that up because of me, okay? So you call her and tell her I'm fine, and that things are okay, and then you take her on a romantic getaway or something—"
"It's not that simple, Sky. I can't lie about what's going on. What would that fix? You're not okay and you need me. It's hardly the time for me to—"
"No!" The bubbling anger in her chest surprised even Sky herself. "Just— no! Enough bad shit has happened already! We're not moving! And I won't let you ruin your love life because of me too. I just— I just won't. I want you to be happy. You deserved it more than anyone."
Suddenly there were tears in Dad's eyes, and the breath he let out was a bit shaky. He took her hand in his, gripping her fingers hard.
"You deserve to be happy too, Sky. That's all I care about."
Sky clenched her jaw to force down the tears, but they burned in her eyes nevertheless. So unfair. So fucking unfair that her messed up shit was destroying Dad's life, again and again, and still, he wasn't giving up on her. Still, he would wake up in the middle of the night to help her with her nightmares, to make her hot chocolate, to tell her she mattered, to tell her he only wanted her to be happy. His hand in hers was warm and steady, her rock to lean on, as it had always been.
"There's— a new school counselor," Sky breathed, her voice thin and strengthless. "He's started this… grief group. I'm— I'm thinking about going."
"Good. That sounds like a good idea," Dad replied, swallowing the tears that made his voice wet. The dark shadows of the room danced on his high cheekbones, deepening the lines around his eyes, making him look older than he was. "And of course, we don't have to move if you'd rather stay here. But Sky— I do think a change of scenery would do you good."
"Dad—"
"What do you say we go to Italy next summer? Just the two of us, like we used to. We could do all the things you loved, and you'd get something else to think about. Something fun."
And even if fun was the last thing Sky felt like she deserved, she knew Dad was right. Getting away from the Valley, from all the karate drama, from everything that reminded her of Cody, and even getting away from Hawk and all the expectations that lay there— it sounded good. Actually, it sounded fucking perfect.
She sipped on the hot chocolate, letting the sweet, rich taste melt in her mouth before she replied.
"I'd like that. But I think it shouldn't be just the two of us."
"You're thinking Eli? Sky, I'm not sure—"
"No, I know. They don't have the money right now, and it's okay," she said hastily. "But I do think you should ask Lisa."
Dad let out a long breath and ran a hand through his blond hair as if trying to clear his thoughts. "It's late. Let's talk about this tomorrow. Now, do you want me to stay, or do you think you can get back to sleep alone?"
"I'm okay, you can go," Sky replied, forcing a small smile onto her lips.
But she couldn't sleep again. For the rest of that night, she sat on her bed, leafing through an old, worn volume of Wuthering Heights she found on her bookshelf, drinking hot chocolate, and thinking about all the ghosts that kept her awake at nights - knowing she needed to find a way to let them go. She didn't want Kat to wander lost in the moors forever, waiting for her to let her in. She didn't want Cody to know the depth of her regret, her sorrow. She needed to let go of them, for their sake and for her own.
Maybe going to the prom - if not with Hawk, then with her friends - and going to Italy with Dad, would be the fresh start she needed. Maybe then her ghosts would finally sleep, and let her sleep too.