How many secrets can you keep'
′Cause there′s this tune I found that makes me think of you somehow
When I play it on repeat
Until I fall asleep
Do I wanna know?
If this feeling flows both ways
Was sorta hoping that you'd stay
That the nights were mainly made for saying
Things that you can′t say tomorrow day
- Do I Wanna Know? by Arctic Monkeys
So, we sat together by the Black Lake on a cold March night when the students were already asleep in their dormitories. I had used a warming spell to banish the cold from us. The darkness enveloped us and only the moon gave some light.
I looked into the gentle waves of the lake, but I felt Severus staring at me bluntly, trying to find words that were obviously difficult for him. I tried not to press him, because I knew that some things just took time. Especially for an apology and especially from Severus.
When he found his voice, he sounded unusually hoarse and muffled. As if he was trying to hold something back with all his might. It didn't make his words any less significant, but it made me wonder what he was trying to hide.
"Please excuse my behaviour lately. I was a little apprehensive. I don't usually have that… close contact with my colleagues," he said slowly.
"I understand that. And I hope I'm more to you than just a colleague." Of course, I knew that there were more between us, but I enjoyed teasing him a little at that moment and maybe I was getting out of him what he wanted to hide.
"Naturally. It was the wrong term. I see you as so much more than that." He spoke as if weighing his words carefully. I tried to take our discomfort quickly, because he seemed so tense.
"And next time, just say what's on your mind, okay? As my friend.", I said in a friendly and gentle voice.
He nodded relieved. We were silent for a while as we gazed at the stars.
"Severus?" He grinned when I said his name, like in the old days of our friendship. I took a quick look at him and noticed that he looked a lot better than when I first started at Hogwarts. He looked more well-groomed and his skin was still very light, but not quite as ashen. It showed me that he liked the contact with me and that he was doing better, as he was more concerned about his appearance and put a real smile on his lips every now and then.
I blushed a little when I looked at him so bluntly, but he didn't see it in the dark. I knew I had made up my mind to tell him the truth about my feelings, but I still needed a little courage and tried to buy time, although I knew I couldn't delay it a day longer.
"Why are you always so unbearable towards the students? You seem particularly fond of the Gryffindor ones, don't you?" I asked as his face grew hard and serious.
"There are many reasons for that. One of them is that most of the members of your old house are really tormentors after all. Rule breakers, boastful and rude troublemakers, and worst of all, many are just plain stupid." he explained, grimacing in disgust at the thought of those students.
I had to grin a little, having just corrected an essay that would at least support his last argument.
"But Severus, you apply the characteristics of the few to all." I said, trying to suppress my amusement.
"There is another reason." His voice sounded serious.
"Which?"
"I can't tell you too much about that." He sounded sad about it himself. But why didn't he tell me everything if he was only complaining about it himself?
He met my gaze steadily, but his eyes told me that he was struggling with himself. I felt that he wanted to tell me everything and something held him back. Perhaps he lacked courage as much as I did? I'm not going to let him off that easily. Tonight, was the night of all truth. From us both.
"Why?" I asked in a confident voice and looked at him demandingly.
"An order from Albus." he said in a low voice, a shadow fell over his as if it wanted to cover up the truth.
"I beg your pardon? You think a conversation between us bothers Albus?" That amazed me. What did Dumbledore have to do with this? Why did he have such control over Severus?
"Not just any easy conversation. It's the reason why I work here. And the reason why I've been so reserved towards you so far.", he explained, carefully weighing every word in his mouth, while I caught my breath and sat up straight. My whole body tensed.
"What do you mean?" I asked with body and mind stretched to the point of tearing.
He was silent and fixed his eyes on the lake in front of us, which lay as mysteriously in the dark as his own motives and thoughts. It couldn't go on like this, we couldn't have a relationship like this - not in friendship and certainly not in the way I hoped for.
"Severus, if I mean something to you, then talk!" I suddenly blurted out.
Severus looked startled. His eyes became sad at the same time, and he suddenly seemed so fragile and lonely, that I would have liked to hug him right away.
"I don't want to put you in danger." he said in a breaking voice.
I looked at him with widened eyes, for I had not done justice in the slightest with this explanation, although the connection to Dumbledore now made sense. So, there was something behind the fact that Severus was at Hogwarts, on Dumbledore's side, and it was dangerous. My head was racing before I found my voice again and made a decision.
"And I want the truth! I insist." I said firmly and Severus realized immediately how serious I was.
But I watched him struggle with himself, his thoughts seemed to race through his entire body, everything seemed tense.
There was a visible jolt through him as he came to a decision. I held my breath because that decision would determine everything about us. He looked around briefly and got up.
"Not here. Someone here might hear it. And the castle has eyes and ears. Come with me, please!" he said and held out his hand to me to pull me up. I hesitated a bit.
"Please, I'll explain everything I can to you. It's time." he said, his eyes beseeching me. I nodded.
Severus grabbed my hand in a hurry as if he wanted to get our conversation quickly, as long as he had the courage. Then he walked rapidly to the Whomping Willow, dragging me after him.
I looked at our hands, which were holding each other. I felt a tickle where his skin touched mine, it went through my whole body. Although many things went through my head. What did he want near that tree? Until I remembered the entrance to the Shrieking Shack where Remus hid during the full moon when we were at school. I had never been in there. He touched the root of the threatening tree with a surrounding stick, so that she suddenly stood still in front of us. Between the roots, a passage opened up in front of us, full of cobwebs, which Severus removed with a quick spell.
We walked down the narrow corridor until we came to a gloomy room where Severus almost met death- death by the hands of my best friend.
It was dusty in the Shack, but there was a couch and a bed. An empty bookshelf and a table were overturned. The wallpaper was peeling off the walls in rags. I shuddered and looked around this old hut and discovered an empty fireplace, I started a roaring fire with a flick of my wand. The heat rose quickly on us. Another swipe and everything were clean. Severus nodded appreciative. I had been able to learn cleansing spells perfectly at St. Mungo, which was also part of the training of a healer.
As we sat on the old couch, he started talking after he scrutinized my face as if he wanted to test whether I'm strong enough for his next words.
"Dumbledore assumes that the Dark Lord still exists and that he is not defeated. He will return. I have to keep up the Death Eater facade. I need to be someone who scares Muggleborns, who's tough on them and their supporters." he blurted out in a low voice. I inhaled sharply. That couldn't be. That couldn't be! So many thoughts flooded my mind that I couldn't grasp any of them.
It was clear that he had kept those words for a long time as a secret.
"And this time I'm fighting the Dark Lord, Catherine." he added. His eyes sparkled defiantly. No one knew his true motives or his true self. It made me sad for him as much as I was impressed by his strength. But at that moment, another feeling prevailed. Fear.
"You mean we have to fight again?" Such a damn shit. I didn't know if I could bear the thought of another war where I had lost everything in the last one.
"If the time comes, yes. I will once again enter the Dark Lord's service, to spy on him, to make him pay for his crimes.", he said in a low voice. What? He wants to join Voldemort to spy on him? I immediately thought of the fate of Regulus. My vision went black and I clenched my fingernails into my palms painfully.
"Severus, this is dangerous, you can't..." I began, my voice cracking. I will not lose another man I love to Voldemort.
"I have to. I owe it to her, don't you understand? I will protect her boy if he goes to school here, educate him. He needs to learn how to defend himself. He must be able to hold his own against Voldemort. Damn, I hope he's as talented as Lily. I will teach him everything that is necessary. After all, I am responsible for her death." His voice was quiet yet piercing, like his words. It hit me like a slap in the face.
"You're doing it for Lily. Always Lily." I realized bitterly.
"Yes, always." he said softly and his gaze grew strange.
My eyes wandered to the floor in front of me. Of course, how could I think he could ever forget her?
"Because you still love her, don't you? After all this time.", I heard myself say, sounding strangely distorted. I needed to know and wanted to hear it from him. That Lily will forever fill his heart and there's no room for anyone else. No place for me.
And Severus was silent and it broke all the individual parts in my body, so that the pain in me became palpable. Suddenly he looked at me inquiringly.
"No. At least not the way I used to. The love for her is now… different.", he spoke slowly and carefully.
"What do you mean?" I asked, agitated. I looked at his face with wide eyes. My breathing quickened.
"I still have a strong affection for Lily and I miss her very much. But something has changed… lately." He doesn't love Lily the way he used to because something has changed. What was that supposed to be? Severus met my eyes gravely before continuing. We both knew how important this conversation was.
"I think I have to accept her death. Lily doesn't exist anymore and maybe she never existed the way I imagined her. Maybe my feelings for her were never what they first seemed." He said slowly and there was a long pause. A cloud of tension and nervousness spread through me. What did he mean by that?
"Remember back in sixth year when Professor Slughorn showed us the Amorentia?"
"Yes..." What was he getting at? Did he guess what this magic potion revealed to me? That I only loved him.
"Do you know what it smelled like for me?" he asked me in a low voice.
"Probably after Lily's violet perfume," I said faint, lowering my eyes.
"Yes, but the potion also smelled of old books and of something else. Something I didn't think was possible until then," he whispered. Lost in my thoughts, I didn't realize how close our faces had become until I looked directly at him.
"What was it?"
"Your scent, Catherine. The Amorentia smelled like you. ", he breathed in a deep voice. My heart beats wildly in my chest. Could it really be? Did he mean what I hoped?
He slowly pulled something out of his robe while I could hardly breathe. It was a little flower, heliotrope, which stood for eternal love. He placed the fragrant blue flower in my trembling hand and clasped it in his. Then he looked deep into my eyes as if he tried to read my thoughts.
Our faces were so close I could feel his breath on my skin, the tension between us was palpable. Our lips touched slowly, tender as two butterfly wings. I was surprised at how gentle Severus was and I felt a strong tingling sensation spread from my mouth all over my body.
I pulled him towards me and suddenly our initial reluctance vanished in one fell swoop. Our kiss became intense and full of passion, his fingers ran through my hair. My hands wandered down his back, I pressed me against him. Our kisses were exciting and full of desire. We gave ourselves completely to these unbelievably strong feelings.
I hastily open his cloak and freed him from his shirt, what he wore underneath. Something I've wanted to do since school time.
I studied his body in great pleasure. His fair skin lay gently over sinewy muscles. Severus looked at me a little uncertainly and held his breath as if he feared my judgement. But as I smiled contentedly, he relaxed immediately.
Our breathing was rapid, and I felt myself getting wet between my thighs. Our hands continued to run down our torsos. The faint scent of his skin was familiar, but stronger than ever. Heat suddenly rose in me and like a true firework of feelings.
Severus watched me with sparkling black eyes before undoing the buttons of my blouse…
Exhausted, we fell side by side on the hard ground. We gripped our sweaty hands and breathed heavily.
He turned his head to me.
"Since when?" he asked quietly and out of breath.
"Always, Severus." I answered simply.
He looked surprised and his eyes widened before our lips found to each other again. I didn't know how long we kissed because I had lost all sense of time. We embrace our body in intimate connection. We wanted to be as close as possible, feel each other everywhere.
"I can't believe my luck. Such an intelligent and beautiful woman. And I never noticed your feelings. How could I be so blind? I don't deserve you." he whispered as his hands ran lovingly through my waist-length hair.
"You only had eyes for Lily," I replied, but with no resentment or irritation inside.
"We missed so much time together. I...", he began, but I put my finger over his mouth.
"It is past. It's best we enjoy our time now." I kissed him softly and we looked deeply into each other's eyes.
"I wanted it so badly, Catherine. All the time since you've been here. I couldn't think of anything else, I want to kiss you and feel you everywhere.", he whispered in my mouth, our lips swollen from our kisses.
"And I haven't thought about anything else since our fifth year, Severus." , I breathed on his flushed and heated cheeks. And I felt that our desire was far from satisfied and flared up again.
"Severus." I breathed gently on the skin on the back of his neck. I felt his body shudder.
"Catherine, I want you all. I've dreamed about kissing every inch of your skin too many times over the past few months.", Severus admitted, his voice sounded deep and throaty and the way he used it, he immediately seduced me again.
"I'm all yours.", I whispered, already feeling his hands on my torso.
"Let's take it slow this time. I want to… enjoy it longer." His eyes glistened under these words, which immediately aroused me again.
I nodded, no sound coming from my lips.
Severus reached for his wand and with a wave the old bed of the Shrieking Shack shone in new splendour. He picked me up from the cold ground and I was only briefly surprised that he was so strong.
Then he laid me gently on the black linen, which felt cold against my glowing skin.
But Severus paused for a moment, enjoying the sight of my naked skin. A satisfied grin played around his mouth, which I returned immediately.
I followed his example in my desire and my eyes travelled from his face over his collarbones to his rather toned chest. His toned arms showed off the muscles beneath the soft skin. My eyes travelled to his flat stomach with a hint of six pack abs and a small hairline leading from his belly button down to his very appealing manhood. The fair skin was occasionally covered with a few birthmarks, but it heightened my excitement at his ethereal beauty.
I had to swallow because I really liked what I saw. He seemed to feel the same way with me because he didn't move and just stared at my body as if he wanted to capture the image for eternity.
"My imagination didn't do you justice." Severus´ voice was deeper than usual and hoarse.
I pulled him onto the bed. His warm torso lay on top of me…
We forgot everything around us, all thoughts were gone. It was just the two of us lying here and I had the feeling that time had ceased to exist. So, we only noticed that the morning had broken when raindrops spread on our heated skin.
"Reparo!" he murmured, wand raised, and the ramshackle roof above us closed.
"Severus?"
"Yes?" He grinned contentedly when I said his name softly and breathlessly.
"It's good that you dared. I don't know if I would have found the courage to do it."
"Well, you're actually the brave Gryffindor of us, aren't you? And yet you left it up to me to take the first step and jeopardize our friendship."
"Quite what a Slytherin deserves, right?" I said mischievously and earned a sneer.
His eyes sparkled and he hugged me tightly. I felt like we both couldn't believe our newfound happiness. How many years had I longed for this moment? I had never revealed my deep feelings for him for fear of rejection and disappointment, of losing his friendship and being smiled at by him.
"I think we have more in common than we think, Severus."
"Maybe. But we have to keep it as a secret, Catherine. If anyone finds out about us, you'll be in grave danger when the Dark Lord awakens again. He will pursue you until he kills you. I can't allow this. I don't want you to suffer or be in danger because of me and my mission."
I nodded. I hadn't wasted a thought on that until now. But at that moment I realized what he meant. Should Voldemort awaken again, he certainly wouldn't be thrilled to find one of his staunchest followers by a Muggle-born Order member.
"Are you really ready for this? Do you know what you have to sacrifice with your decision for me? I don't want you to regret choosing me." He asked, eyes burning.
I thought briefly but intensely. My heart couldn't be stopped. Cost what it may. I had to be with him. This time we were finally united against Voldemort.
"Yes, I have made my decision. I want to be with you. Always, Severus."
He nodded and I saw him breathe a sigh of relief.
That's why he waited so long to open up to me. Not only the fear of losing our friendship, but also my decision and my security.
We kissed deeply and then slowly walked back to the castle. My heart was filled with happiness and in my mind, I replayed the previous night and I could see that he thought about our union too. Our hands only separated when we came into view of the school. It was difficult for both of us to separate for the day ahead, to teach and behave normally, when nothing was the same for both of us as before.