Out in the darkness, I saw an angel
Held back the flood until the sky fell
I see the future covered in roses
Waves of gold as the door closes
I can hear the sirens
After the fire drove out the sparrows
All of the clouds hang like gallows
Hey are you listening? I cannot reach you
I'm on the other side, trying to break through
I can hear the sirens
- Sirens by Fleurie
"That damn beast of Hagrid," Severus cursed bitterly as I smeared his arm with a healing paste for bite wounds from magical animals. The darkness reflected in his eyes betrayed the storm of emotions that raged within him.
"Buckbeak was only defending Harry," I said softly, gliding my fingers gently over his deep wound. "Why did you give him that magic blow?"
"He called me… a cowardly murderer. It made me mad, I forgot about myself," Severus explained and looked at my work briefly before rolling his sleeve back down, thereby covering not only the wound but also the Dark Mark.
"You know, you're anything but that. Or do you care what the boy thinks of you?" I asked, not without a mocking grin on my lips, which of course didn't go unnoticed by Severus. There was a hint of irony in my voice as I tried to cheer him up, even as I sensed the weight of his conscience.
"Of course, I don't care what Potter thinks of me. It's... more the idea that I'm going to be a murderer forever. In the eyes of all my former friends like Minerva and Filius, or members of the Order like Shaklebolt and Mad Eye. They will always consider me a cowardly murderer." His voice sounded resigned, as if he knew there was no way out of this opinion of him. And when I looked at him out of the corner of my eye while I was packing away the bandages, he felt unobserved. And I saw that he was in bad shape, stoic as always, but still lying in a cloud of darkness. I felt anger welling up in me as I sat down next to Severus. It was part of the grand plan of Albus Dumbledore, who had certainly never thought of a possible future for Severus, if he ever saw one for him.
"You know I don't see you that way, Severus. I know the truth, and when we get through all this, I will proclaim it to the world. I won't let your memory-" He gently put a finger over my mouth to stop my angry words.
"It's not necessary. I'm used to everyone seeing the bad in me. And they're certainly right, I hate being a professor and putting up with so many dunderheads all day. I hate to sit by the Dark Lord's side as his best confidant, with witches and wizards who are capable of so much death, so much suffering. It disgusts me to the core," he said and his hand now wandered to my cheek and I felt the tenderness in his gesture. "But you, you are what is good in my life. The only thing I still want to live for. You are what counts." His kiss on my forehead was like a tender touch in the darkness.
"That's why I ask you: do you see guilt in me? For the situation we're in?" The dark veil of his thoughts enveloped him, and I could see the struggle in his eyes, and felt the vulnerability behind his hard facade.
"Did you think I was blaming you?" I asked in astonishment and grabbed his face, holding it lovingly in my hands. To my relief, Severus shook his head.
"No, you never made unfounded accusations against me. Somehow I often feel guilty, it's obvious." His words echoed in the silence, while the shadows of black magic and family conflicts lingered in his expression. An invisible bond seemed to connect us as he fixed his gaze on me, and I recognized the hidden pain that lurked behind his dark eyes.
"Yes, because you've been used to it since childhood," I said sadly. He looked at me questioningly, his eyes narrowing.
"You were indifferent to your parents, they blamed you for their own behavior. You've felt rejected, you've been neglected, and... you have been harmed so much." I looked deep into his dark eyes, which narrowed further at the thought of his childhood, but Severus's memories opened a door to a dark past that I wanted to gently walk through.
"Was that the reason for your early interest in black magic?" I asked him. He thought for a moment, leaned back from me, and ran his index finger slowly over his lips.
"My mother was very fond of black magic and had a collection with a certain charm. When they argued, I hid in my room and read these books. All. I only had these books that showed me that I was special and that I could escape them soon." He looks at me, an expression seems impassive, but I knew that it was boiling behind it, that he was still suffering from all this. The darkness that hovered in his eyes heralded an unexpiated sorrow and I wondered if he would ever be able to leave it in the past and strip it off like an old coat. But I knew it would be necessary.
"They were your refuge, weren't they?" I asked softly, as if my words could shed a delicate light on his gloomy memories. A nod confirmed the truth of his refuge in the pages of magic that offered him an escape from reality. His gaze was lost in the distance, and I could sense that the scars of the past were engraved deep in his soul.
"Then in the school where you had such high hopes: humiliated, ridiculed... You didn't know love. Just unjustified guilt." The words that hung in the air felt like a faint scream in the dark corridors of Hogwarts. The shadow of past hurts loomed over Severus' face as memories of lost innocence and broken dreams came flooding back.
"I'm guilty, Catherine. For so many decisions I've made, and if it was up to my family, just for my very existence." Severus' voice carried the weight of self-accusation as he built the fragile bridge to a painful family history. His monotony gave me an idea of how deep the scars of his past cut, and I sensed that these wounds were not only physical. "I remember when my mother went to her father and asked to take us in, to protect us from my father's beatings and outbursts. But Varius Sulpicius Prince thought she had chosen her path before he just looked at me in disgust and spat at our feet and slammed the door shut. We were scum. I was scum," Severus said in a monotone voice that excluded all emotion, but the harsh words cut through the air like whipping branches, and I could literally feel the violence and contempt in the scene. The tragedy of Severus' childhood manifested itself in his words. I swallowed at the thought of the wound this experience had inflicted on his soul.
"It was never your fault," I whispered, dismayed, as if my words could put some gentle comfort in the wounds of his past. But the shadow seemed to reach deeper, and I felt powerless in the face of a story that could not be repaired.
"Isn't it? Wasn't it my decision to show it to this man? I, as a half-blood, would be a worthy prince who would knock on his door to claim his inheritance as it was due to him," Severus said quietly. "A foolish thought, isn't it? As if my magic could have impressed him? I, as an unworthy half-blood, would never have been enough for him. It's not surprising that the dragon pox got him when I was in the seventh grade and he bequeathed his entire inheritance to the close still living relative. Abraxas Malfoy." He turned his face back to me and grimaced in disgust.
"Lucius Malfoy and you—you're related?" I asked, shocked.
"Not really. Some ancestor of mine named Terentia Prince married a Laurentius Malfoy in the 19th century, who was an ancestor of Abraxas Malfoy, the father of Lucius. And that finally broke my mother's heart before she also died of dragon pox, which she contracted on his deathbed, still begging for his love. It was the final tip that brought me to the Dark Lord.", Severus concluded, and his gaze averted as if hiding the dark images of his past from my eyes.
"I see," I replied with a dry throat, remembering that I wasn't with him at that time as I processed the emotional heaviness of the revelations. The entanglements of love, loss, and betrayal painted a bleak portrait that I now began to understand better. I knew that his mother had contracted dragon pox at an early age, but that this happened in our school days, he had kept quiet from me until now. So, in our seventh year of school, not only his grandfather died, but also his mother... and Lily kissed James Potter in front of everyone during a trip to Hogsmeade, while I was constantly meeting up with Remus alone, because he had become my best friend next to Lily. Sensing what Severus must have endured back then, I sighed softly as I felt the painful collision of past and present.
"I know what you're thinking," he whispered, looking at me lovingly as if he could read the uncertainty in my eyes. "But it's not your fault, Catherine. You had every right to break with me. I called Lily and you Mudblood, I betrayed you." Severus' words sounded like an oppressive echo of past sins he was carrying.
"You were alone with all this enormous pain," I replied, looking at him with moist eyes, as if my eyes could pierce the invisibility of the past. His striking appearance, which so often testified to impenetrability, seemed fragile at that moment. I looked at his fair skin, which stood out clearly against his almost black eyes, his prominent nose that made him special to me, his narrow face, in which thin lips suddenly formed a grin to my surprise.
"But now I'm not," he said, resting his forehead against mine as if he could shake off the burden of the past at that moment. "I couldn't bear it any other way. Sometimes I have the thought..."
"Yes?" I whispered, feeling the tender touch of his words floating in the air like a breath of redemption and U watched with enticement as his face slowly but inexorably approached mine.
"I think you and I – we're both made for each other. It just took us longer to find each other in this way we need and now..." he began, but he fell silent so that his soft lips gently touched mine, but not kissed me. The moment when the words faded to a silent melody left a passionate tension hanging in the air.
"The two of us..." I breathed on his mouth, turning his eyes into slits that fixed me. A sense of destiny and connection enveloped us like an invisible cloak as we lost ourselves in the twister of emotions.
Our lips fused in a fiery and desperate rhythm, and I felt like I was in a trance. It was exhilarating. A sigh escaped my mouth.
My fingers went to undoing the buttons on his waistband, while his lips held me captive in a passionate kiss. His hands resumed their place under my dress, pushing the silky emerald fabric up and sliding up my thighs. They were soft and warm, his touch tender but determined as he pulled the fabric of the upper part down to expose my torso. The cool air of the room froze my skin, I shivered slightly. But as his warm, graceful fingers traced my ribs to the soft flesh of my breasts, my hot blood of pleasure once again filled my aroused body with warmth...
"That was quick, Remus," I said, scanning the invitation.
"We took your words to heart: every day we have together counts," he said, blushing from ear to ear, which made me grin slightly. The quick decision to no longer deprive each other of the happiness of life together reflected the seriousness of our time.
"And you're getting married on my birthday?" I asked, and to my astonishment, Remus blushed even more than before. And yet I saw dark circles under his eyes, which were an unmistakable sign that the last full moon had only been a day ago.
"Yes, it's the date my maid of honor celebrates her birthday. I'd like to add another happy event to that special day," Remus explained a little uncertainly.
"I am... your maid of honor?"; I asked in a shaky voice, feeling warm tears find their way out of my eyes.
"Who else would it be, if not my best friend?" he replied, smiling crookedly at me.
"You're only saying that because I'm the only one left," I laughed, shaking my head.
"No, I always knew that you would be by my side if I were to get married," Remus said with sparkling eyes and I literally jumped into his arms to hug him tightly. As he did so, Remus let go of his fiancée's hand to return the hug firmly. His penchant for cuddling has always been a charming part of his nature.
"I'm so happy for you both," I shouted out loud, holding out an arm to Tonks, who immediately understood my gesture and joined our embrace, beaming.
"It's just going to be a small ceremony. We both don't like the big attention," she said as we parted ways. Her hair fell curly and pink on her shoulders. I felt like I had never seen her so happy.
"Small weddings are perhaps also the most beautiful, because there are only people present who love you from the bottom of their hearts and vice versa," I said and felt how the darkness in me that had formed in the last few weeks was displaced by so much joyful light. I had only seen Severus briefly since Dumbledore's death. He had been in bad shape, stoic as ever, but still lying in a cloud of darkness. However, it was far too dangerous to see him, because he was now officially Lord Voldemort's right-hand man after his murder and we both knew that we would have to keep a low profile for at least the next few weeks, which was very difficult for both of us, because we kept in touch secretly through our Patroni. Despite all this reason, it just hurt inside me, so I had to force myself to shake off my own misery, which no one was allowed to know about. And yet I knew that a shadow had crept over my face as Remus eyebrows raised at me and I had to break the silence.
"So, only your parents are coming, Tonks?" I asked with a big smile to keep up the happy atmosphere.
"My parents, Alastor as my best man, you as Remus' maid of honor and another friend of mine from school days," Tonks listed briefly before grinning at Remus again.
"The closest circle," Remus nodded in agreement.
"Unless you'd like to be accompanied, Catherine?" Tonks asked, looking at me closely, so that I felt my jaw drop for a moment. "I know you haven't been able to love anyone since him, um, since Gideon Prewett. Remus explained it to me. He must have really been a very special person. But so are you. And I know that Asklepios Sharp-" she began, but I interrupted her words with a shake of my head.
"No, thank you, Tonks. I know you mean well for me, but Alastor Moody will be more than enough for me as a dance partner." I laughed and briefly saw, in addition to the twitching of the corner of Remus's mouth, a narrowing of his right eye. I nodded, barely noticeable, in gratitude. He had kept my love for Severus a secret. And this was a sign of such great trust that I would have liked to let him in on the truth. But he had to believe, like everyone else, that Severus was an irreducible supporter of Lord Voldemort, who was even capable of murdering his former friend.
"We would have liked to have had Harry with us, but he is not allowed to leave the shelter in Privet Drive at the moment. It's too dangerous now that Dumbledore..." Tonks couldn't go on, too great was her pain at the loss of the old wizard, our leader in this resistance. She pressed herself against the chest of Remus, who stroked her bright pink hair lovingly, while briefly thinking about the funeral of Albus Dumbeldore, how magical creatures and wizards from all over the world appeared at the funeral, which was a magical and beautiful farewell moment. I was there, but I wasn't standing next to Remus or the other members of the order. I had sat in the back row, away from the prying eyes, and wondered what ceremony we had held at Sirius's, Lily´s, James's, Gideons and Fabians and so many others. They had been small, but all the more touching, because the tears that had flowed had all been genuine.
"Do the members of the Order already have a plan on how to get Harry out?" I asked quietly, changing the subject.
"Not yet. Alastor and Kingsley are working on a plan, but so far, no idea has been so good that Alastor wanted to take the risk. But time is running out, Harry will come of age in a few weeks and thus lose any protection he has thanks to Lily.", Remus explained in a soft voice to further calm Tonks, but she lifted her head and suddenly looked at me with eyes sparkling with anger.
"Alastor was also busy making some traps for Snape in Grimauld Place the whole time. If this cowardly bastard ever sets foot over the threshold of Sirius' house again, nothing good will await him," she said in a bitter voice, so that I had to swallow. It was something to think theoretically about what others might think of Severus, but hearing it in the mouth of a good friend hurt, painful. But I averted my gaze so as not to draw attention to my true feelings.
I preferred to inspect the Order's new hideout while I could clearly feel Remus' gaze on me. We were standing in a small hut at the edge of the forest, where the wind was howling briskly. No comparison to the noble house of the noble Black family, whose last male inheritance was gone, as was my hope of ever finding atonement for Severus in this world.
The atmosphere was like a painting of the darkness that hovered between us. Severus' pale figure looked almost like a shadow that had crept into my apartment. His presence exuded a gloomy aura, and the worry in my eyes reflected the incurable that seemed to be brewing upon us.
"Are you okay?" I asked Severus, who crept into my apartment on the outskirts of town at the appointed hour, pale as chalk.
"They are planning several attacks on Muggle-born witches and wizards. And it's only a matter of time before the ministry falls," he whispered before wrapping his arm around my waist and holding me tightly against him as if seeking support in reality. "And I can't stop any of that."
His words about the impossibility of stopping the impending disaster pierced the silence like a cry of pain in the night.
The room was suddenly filled with a heavy, almost suffocating silence, broken only by the distant noise of the city. The gloomy foreboding of war and loss weighed on our shoulders like a leaden cloak. And it started racing in my head... my battlefield at this war...
"The St. Mungo," I replied thoughtfully.
"What about that?" he asked, a little irritated, loosening his grip to look me in the eye.
"What if we can help the victims there? If they could get there-" I began, but Severus immediately shook his head.
"St. Mungo's will also fall under his control if the Ministry falls, Catherine. If there were to be any living victims at all." His voice was quiet and yet the distress was clearly audible.
So, I looked at Severus closely, while a word, whispered in a tone that conveyed more tragedy than information, had permeated the atmosphere like a pitch-black fog. His eyes were tired, he seemed endlessly exhausted from all the burden he had to carry.
The knowledge of the unstoppable darkness that would engulf St. Mungo's left a bitter taste on my tongue. And yet an idea came to me as I thought of all the things that weighed on his shoulders.
"It can only fall under the Dark Lord's control what he knows, right?" I continued, forming an idea that brought a breath of hope to the desperate situation, and my smug grin made an eyebrow of Severus's rise breathtakingly high.
"What if there was an unknown part of St. Mungo's where Muggle-born witches and wizards could be treated?" I added. Severus's confusion gave way to surprise, and my heart leaped for joy, only to sink at his next objection.
"It would put you in danger," he stated in a deep voice before he pressed me tighter against him again. But the prospect of fighting the darkness in a meaningful way outshone the fear in my eyes.
"More than I am when the Dark Lord is fully in power?" I asked softly, gently stroking his back while he was silent. "That way, I could at least do something meaningful after he came to power, instead of hiding somewhere and being constantly afraid."
"Isn't it enough that I'm by his side to buy Potter time?" he replied in a choking voice, his eyes reflecting the deep pain and despair.
"Nothing will be enough when the time comes. All forces must be mobilized to contain the horror as much as possible. How many have you seen die in the last few weeks, Severus?" I asked, looking into his eyes, which narrowed to slits at the memory.
"Dumbledore asked me that question last time," he gasped, as if the memory itself was painful. "And I will answer you the same as I answered him. Only the ones I couldn't save." A shadow flitted across his eyes, which clouded slightly with moisture before a certain coldness manifested itself in them. The coldness that made me shiver and revealed the deep abysses of his inner conflicts. "And I don't want you to be one of them."
"You know we're both fighting in this war. Each in his own way," I replied insistently as Severus sighed loudly, the weight of his responsibility audible in the silence of the room. His exhaustion was palpable, and I felt the urge to offer him support, even if it was only for a moment.
"I guess I won't be able to talk you out of it, will I? But where are you going to build something like that and, above all, by what means?" Severus asked, while I suppressed a smile, because despite his objections and concern for me, he understood me.
His interest was piqued, and I pulled him onto the small couch, where he sat down exhausted, but did not take his eyes off me, listening and interested.
"I was thinking of using the gigantic cellar of the St. Mungo. Behind the archives I searched for the connection between Harry's scar and the Dark Lord, I saw several large vaults running alongside the London Underground tunnels. They are not used. It would be ideal," I said.
"It would be a way to rearrange the vaults as a hospital wing and hide it with protective spells," Severus replied, suppressing a yawn.
"Yes. And I'll ask Asklepios if he supports me," I continued, and Severus leaned back, his black eyes lost in thought, as he tried to relax the tired limbs.
"But he has already rejected your request to work for the Order in the past?" Severus asked, watching me intently as I replied with a low whisper, "He will not work for the Order, Severus. Neither do I. We work for humanity."
The words flitted between us, and in the silence of the moment the shared conviction was reflected.
"But how do you think such a thing is supposed to happen behind the Dark Lord's back?" Severus asked, letting a finger wander thoughtfully over his compressed lips.
"I already have a few ideas for that," I replied with a cheeky grin, because I had already thought a lot about it in the last few days.
"You're still the unreasonable Gryffindor of old days," Severus whispered with curled lips and took my face between his hands. Our eyes met in a soft laugh that dispelled the gloomy shadows for a moment.
"And you love me for it," I laughed.
"Always," Severus said before kissing me softly as a finger wrapped around a strand of my hair. He continued to lean over me, but before he could open my dress, I stopped him with my hands, making him jump in surprise.
"We still have to figure out how to get Harry out of his predicament. The Order still has no idea how we can get him out of the house in Privet Drive before Lily's protection expires. I suppose Dumbledore didn't leave a master plan for this?" I asked expectantly, and Severus' eyes, as dark as night, flashed briefly.
"No, perhaps this seemed too succinct for him. After all, we know that Harry needs to be secured before his birthday and Dumbledore certainly relied on the bright minds of the Order," Severus said with a mocking grin.
"It's a good thing we're both part of the Order, isn't it?" I replied with raised eyebrows.
"Indeed." Severus leaned back and let his gaze wander around the room, lost in thought. "It must be something that the Dark Lord can't fully know in advance. A ruse."
"We can scatter different plans in different places so that he doesn't know which is the real plan," I thought out loud and Severus looked me in the eye again, so that the space between us was filled with an intense connection.
"That's good, but it's not enough. The Dark Lord will at least expect the close circle to receive correct information," Severus said and looked me in the eye again, so that I forgot to breathe for a moment, so intense was his gaze.
"Maybe camouflage will help? A Confundus Charm?" I asked, gasping a little as the ideas floated between us.
"Several Potters setting off from Privet Drive." His eyes sparkled with triumph at the idea.
"On different paths and different goals." Our eyes were fixed on each other in joyful agreement on our exchange. "And you should tell the Dark Lord."
"Why?" Severus asked, narrowing his eyes into slits.
"It fosters his confidence in you. When his right-hand man... what could be better than if you knew the real plan?" I said with a cheeky grin.
"Good. And I'll have it delivered to Fletcher to this mouth for the order. With the Imperius."
"Why Fletcher?" I asked in disgust, for I immediately thought of my last encounter with him, how he tried to sell me an heirloom from Sirius.
"He's opaque, so no one in the Order is surprised when the Dark Lord knows the true plan. It would be different if the plan came from you. Lupin would certainly not be amused, and his curiosity about you could jeopardize our plan. In addition, you are not allowed to participate in the execution of the Potter plan, which is expected of the person who makes the plan. But I'm going to have to report and I'm sure I'll be chosen by the Dark Lord to get Potter out of there with my own hands and throw him at his feet," Severus explained and looked at me closely as he spoke of Remus.
"You're right," I replied a little disappointed and turned my gaze away from Severus. I didn't want to take credit for this plan, but the fact that Severus would put an unforgivable curse on someone for it and that he did it without hesitation made me think.
"And now we should go back to the important things...", his sonorous voice whispered and I felt his hand again lovingly running over my cheek, while the other let my zipper slide gently down. At that moment, I sensed how much he longed for closeness and comfort, how much he wanted to shake off the darkness that enveloped him. But again, I stopped his movement.
"What?" Severus gasped furious but I put a finger to his pressed lips.
"You should get some sleep tonight, Severus. You're exhausted," I said, shaking my head.
"That's not what I'm here for. I want to be with you, feel you," he whispered along my neck, which made me shudder, but I wanted to stand firm.
"You can do that too. In my arms, in your sleep," I said decisively as I felt Severus open the zipper deftly and quickly.
"Just because Lupin is getting married now, do you refuse to be close to me?" Severus asked angrily, but he grinned crookedly, which softened his tone. But his words made me sit up and take notice.
"How do you know?" I asked, shocked. If such simple information could get to the Death Eaters, then they were really spying brilliantly.
"Don't worry. You forget that Bellatrix is the aunt of this Tonks. The Dark Lord never misses an opportunity to humiliate the Lestrange and Malfoy families for their failures," Severus said, not without a certain malice in his voice.
"Does that mean he controls everything?" I asked, shaking my head.
"Only what interests him. And I hope you won't arouse any interest with your plan for the St. Mungo. I'll keep an eye on Dolohov, he knows your workplace. I'll get him at the first opportunity-"
"No! This lousy ass will be slashed open by me personally when the time comes. You're going to treat him like any other Death Eater," I interrupted him sharply, causing Severus to give me an unusual look. I took a deep breath and tried to calm down, I felt my pulse start racing with anger.
At that moment, we looked at each other in silence, thoughts racing in each of us. Mine led me to the next point I needed to discuss with Severus. And I knew it would meet his resistance.
"It's important that you never fall out of your role, Severus. You must act as if you will do anything for the Dark Lord, even if it means watching me suffer. We need to maintain the illusion that you're really on his side. Even if you see someone torturing me in front of your eyes or-" I began, but Severus drew in a sharp breath.
"You can't ask that of me!" he said with a sudden, almost wild look, his eyes sparkling with indignation. I knew I was the second person in his life to ask him to do the seemingly impossible and I took his hand reassuringly.
"Dumbledore has given you an assignment. And you know our own plan. The execution of both is more important than me, because it ensures the survival of everyone else in this world. Even the muggles... you will save them too, if you can do justice to your task, should I no longer be able," I explained in a soft voice, while his eyes widened in bewilderment at this possibility. "You're the only one besides me who knows these plans. But I promise you, I will protect myself as much as I can. However, should I, for some reason... Then you'll have to go on without me, Severus!"
Severus looked away from me, fixing a point on the ground behind me. He closed his eyes for a moment, as if trying to control his emotions. When he opened it again, I could see the tiredness in it, mixed with a heavy burden resting on his shoulders.
His skin was ashen and yet he nodded silently after a while, which made me breathe a sigh of relief.
"You know, the same goes for you!, Catherine," he said in a broken voice before looking me straight in the eye again. "There is no turning back for us."
Notes:
Hello,
thank you for being here and reading! I hope, you like this Chapter :)
If you get bored by then and would like to delve a little more into Severus' past, I would be happy if you would like to read my other story "The darkness in his eyes".
Otherwise, I hope you enjoy the rest of the year :)