A glob of minty spit slid down the sink basin, leaving most of itself on the way down the drain. Asuka wiped the steam off the mirror and looked at her reflection. Her eyebags still remained—the nightmare saw to that—and the eerie silence of the apartment deterred her from staying. Her uneven posture reminded her of the crutch shoved haphazardly between her bed and her drawer.
She opened the fridge and found that, indeed, its contents were still mostly beer. She hobbled by the mounting pile of dishes in the sink to the entrance, out the front door, and straight into the elevator. While descending, she wiggled her toes inside her Mary Janes and carefully redistributed her weight, landing with the ball of her bad foot followed by the heel, and it felt fine. Her right calf stinging numbly, she set off to the nearest train station.
Other teenagers congregated around the boarding platform, each of them a permutation of one rule-conforming style that flattened everyone into a gray, harmonious pancake of humanity: no pulling up your skirt, no knee-high socks, no jewelry or wristbands or hair dye or extensions, no nail polish or make-up, and absolutely no piercings or tattoos. She didn't need nor want half of those things, but freedom of choice had been a privilege she'd grown used to in during her years in Germany. When she'd first arrived to Tokyo-3, her conspicuous neural connectors and long reddish hair were enough to draw everyone's attention, the praise garnered from them merely the natural order of things as an elite Evangelion pilot. Yet, here she was, surrounded, no, ignored by a bunch of ungrateful rubes. Though, maybe it was good to be left alone; the last thing she needed was more panting sycophants and their love letters.
Asuka boarded the train, took a seat, and rested her briefcase on her lap. She put a hand to her temple and rubbed. But it didn't last; the thought of looking as pathetic as Shinji when struggling to make a choice made her straighten up and look out the window, watching the rows of skyscrapers move in parallax in front of her and, a silver lining, the corpse of the Fifth Angel was finally gone. The train arrived at the school district with its usual punctuality, and when she stood up and the sliding doors opened in front of her, a rush of hot wind gusted through the train car, frazzling her hair and making her shirt rustle uncomfortably against her skin.
Once in school, the first few periods went by rather quickly: Civics, Chemistry, and Biology were all extremely intuitive to her, or at least had competent teachers. But then recess came, and the never-ending heat and the bad cafeteria food and a no-showing Hikari made time stretch beyond belief. Something possessed her to turn to the corner to see if Ayanami was around, but she wasn't even allowed that humiliation. What would they even talk about?
She decided to occupy herself by doing homework ahead of time. She thumbed through the notebook until she found the first blank page, pulled out her textbook, and mindlessly copied down the questions—she'd work out the answers later. She was barely four questions in when the classroom door opened and in paced Suzuhara. He walked up to her desk in his usual brutish manner.
"Hey, Soryu, what's up?"
Asuka sniffled and frowned and poked him hard in the ribs with the back of her pencil until he gave way, saying, "Step back. You're all sweaty and gross," then returned to her work without so much as a glance.
He rubbed his side where she poked him and groaned, "Dude, you could've just said it! I just wanna ask what's up with Shinji. He hasn't come to school since the last attack."
Her grip on the pen tightened, but she kept at it. "Shinji's in the hospital. Stop, he's fine," she interrupted. "They're just waiting for him to wake up."
He crossed his arms and nodded. "Alright, that's good. So, uh... how are you holding up?"
"Please, don't bother. I'm busy." She shooed him.
"Don't bother what? I'm asking you for real. You guys have a really dangerous job!"
"So?" Seven questions down, only thirteen more to go.
Toji glanced at Kensuke behind him. It was a good thing she hadn't looked up in the meantime. "When the angels come, me and Kensuke and the Class Rep go to the shelters and follow the adults, but they always worry about you three until you come back to class because... I mean, we never know if you'll make it." He shifted his weight and scratched his temple. "I say they worry but, y'know, I guess I do too."
Her writing hand stopped and she looked up at him, then scoffed. "Okay. You want a medal or something?"
"The hell, what is wrong with you?" He lowered his arms and leaned forward aggressively. The chatter around them died down, and the dozen or so kids that had already returned to the classroom were now staring at them. Asuka slammed her pencil on the desk, breaking off its lead tip and making Toji flinch. "Me? I'm right here working, minding my own business, and here you come with your sweaty ass and your stupid face to prattle about something you know zero about! It's just the job, okay? I don't tell you how to play basketball."
"That's not even... You know what? Fine. Screw me for caring. But you don't have to be such a bitch about it," he spat and went to his desk. Conversation in the classroom returned in the form of hushed voices. After glaring at his back for a few moments, she returned to her work. There was no need to correct him.
The hallway was white and endless. To Asuka, however, this was a mercy. Despite her best efforts, her tiny legs wouldn't stop running. The fluttering of her skirt and the sounds of birdsong and traffic outside were all muted in the faraway distance, contrasted by the tiny staccato of her steps. And there it was: a large white door that opened by itself, almost against its will. It was a portal into the void. Inside, her mother's body dangled above the floor, a scuffed doll in her likeness hanging beside her. Asuka felt her heart shatter. Then, an unseen presence pulled hard on her hair, lifting her off the ground. She yelped and squirmed and cried, and her voice was shrill and childlike. The darkness reached out and enveloped her, and she knew she'd finally join her mother in death.
Asuka opened her eyes, her heart thumping loudly in her ears. The corners of the bedroom swirled in a dark, vague soup of shuddering shapes. The curtains were drawn, and the window panes were wide open, but the moonlight died in the sill, and no noise or wind reached inside. Something felt incongruous, misplaced. She almost didn't get up, but the fear of falling prey to sleep again won, so she stood up and walked to the window. In this vista, a deep, endless void stood where stars and buildings should be. She was left breathless, stunned, unable to find the words to express her confusion. Suddenly, an enormous alabaster tentacle crashed through the wall, and she screamed hysterically as a million shards of glass and iron rained all over her.
Asuka opened her eyes again, this time to utter silence. She relaxed cautiously at the unmistakable feeling of being back in reality. Her pillow radiated heat and was darkened with sweat, but a tremor of the lip was all she could manage to express her disgust. She sat up and checked her phone: two in the morning. Below the time, a new message notification. She'd seen it on top of the queue before going to sleep, but didn't want it to be marked as 'seen'. Her eyes glossed over the preview for the sixth time:
(18:32) Hey, Asuka. Just woke up. Misato told me that you visited while I was out, so, Thanks!
Safe in the assumption that he'd be asleep by now, she decided to tap it. There was actually more to it after an empty line:
They gave me my stuff like an hour ago, but my phone's battery was dead, and there were no power plugs in my hospital room so I had to leave it in the hallway for a while. Anyway, let me know when you're around. It's kinda boring here.
A few responses crossed her mind, but none of them felt right: "Welcome back"? too generic. "About time"? too bitchy, even for her. "Okay"? Sounds like Miss Perfect. "Looking forward to it"? That was just a nightmare. She stared at it unblinkingly until her eyes stung, then decided to leave it for later, convinced that she'd be able to come up with something before he woke up. She got up and paced toward the sliding door, but stopped momentarily before returning for her neural connectors, and put them on. As the devices blinked green twice, she took a deep breath, picked up the glass from the nightstand and finally exited her room. Shinji's door was a few steps across from hers, and she sucked her teeth at the sight.
After some deliberation, she peered down the hallway to check if Misato's room was lit up—it wasn't—and reached for the handle now in front of her. She slid Shinji's door open, and waited for her eyes to adjust to the windowless darkness. She placed the glass on the floor beside her before crawling on his bed, patting around the surface in search for something. Beside the pillow, his SDAT sat with its earbuds tightly wound around it. She pulled it close to her chest with both hands, stood up, and hastily returned to her room.
It'd been six in the morning when Doctor Akagi called her, and she was barely done explaining the chain of events that led to her unexpected availability when Asuka was already rushing to the elevator. A sync test, the first one inside her Unit since her fight in the Levant. To Asuka, this had been the chance to reach her next big milestone, but that was then and this was now, and after an hour of two of power-up procedures and harmonics testing, the final result was nothing short of abominable: thirty eight percent, and that was before the Glyph System engaged. In the end, this latter phase had to be aborted. Of course, Ayanami had to be there too, not only watch her fail utterly, but to lord her forty six percent over her with that new dinky simper that everybody else seemed to miss.
With the shame and bitterness of defeat firmly lodged in her hypothalamus, she surmised that visiting Shinji would likely result in additional frustrations. So, she silenced her phone, chucked it into her locker, and entered her assigned pilot locker room's shower. Once she was cool and clean and clothed, she thanked God for Ayanami's unusual tardiness and slammed the door on her way out for the nearest elevator to the surface.
Asuka felt the breeze on her face, and the sweeping winds brought with them a sea of rolling hills into view. On the horizon, the figure of Unit-02 and its rutilant plates blotted the deep blue sky. Its four emerald eyes shimmered. It disappeared. It was now mere yards away. She felt the urge to ask its name, but as soon as her diaphragm tensed she was back in the classroom—she'd nodded off. Worried, she turned left and right for any indication that anyone had noticed, yet for once everyone was busy with a textbook exercise. Beyond the classroom, strong winds buffeted the flags hoisted above the main building.
She flipped her hair to let the heat behind her neck dissipate, then checked the time to find only a few minutes had passed. She looked down at her notes to continue where she'd left off, but she was already finished. In waiting for the period to be over, she daydreamed about her latest strange vision, until a painful throb in her lower abdomen made her realize just how much she'd lost track of time in the last few days. Thankfully, she was always prepared, and went straight to the bathroom as soon as the recess bell rescued her from the classroom. Another imposition completely out of her control. After washing her hands, she put them together over the sink and shook the excess water off, and she could swear there was a small delay between her actions and her reflection's. "That's weird," she thought out loud. But then everything seemed fine again. She shrugged, used the hand dryer, and walked away.
After a brief detour through the cafeteria, she strolled about in the main courtyard, and she found Hikari by chance, seated on a turquoise bench by a row of well-trimmed shady trees. She held a lunchbox filled with cooked white rice and little else. By the time Asuka arrived and said hi, she was already a few bites in, and barely turned her head to greet her back. Her voice was tired. The swaying treetops warned Asuka of an incoming gust of wind, and she pressed her skirt downward until it passed before sitting down and resting her hands on her knees.
"Crappy day, too?" Asuka asked.
Hikari nodded. "Want to talk about it?"
Asuka shook her head. "Eh, not really. Let's just eat." She pulled a small bag of banana chips from behind a strap of her pinafore, pulled the top apart with both hands, and began picking and eating one chip after the other. Another gust of wind rushed through the playground area, and she noticed a group of boys leer at three girls that were not quick enough on the draw. She grumbled something in German.
"May I tell you about mine?" Hikari asked. Asuka paused for a few seconds, then shrugged non-committally.
"Nozomi's becoming very picky and cranky, like in general. She refuses to eat food she had no problem with a few months ago, and Kodama's barely in the house anymore ever since she got that new job I told you about the other day."
Asuka swallowed before asking, "Why doesn't your dad help?"
Hikari smiled mirthlessly. "He's always working... I don't want to bother him. And, regardless, I don't think he'd be very good at house chores. Mom used to do most of that stuff." While Asuka rubbed the slippery chip oil between her thumb and forefinger, she waited for Hikari to continue. "Now that Kodama's not here, I need to go pick up Nozomi from school, and then I have to return before four to help Mr. Tagawa with grading the first year finals. Then, Mrs. Takeda wants me to hang the Calligraphy Club posters around campus, and then I have to be back home in time to make dinner."
"You're too nice to these people."
Hikari looked up at her. "What do you mean?"
"Am I speaking in German? Listen to yourself. Your family stuff is already sketchy, but one of that other crap is part of your Class Representative duties, or is it?"
Hikari looked down at her lunch, sneaking glances at her every so often. "Maybe? No, not really. But Mister Tagawa has a personal situation at the moment and doesn't have the time. He came to me because I'm responsible, and if I'm able to help, I should."
Asuka shook her head and lifted the bag to her mouth, then poured the remaining crumbs in. "He came to you because you can't say 'no'. You're just like Shinji."
"Then, at least I know you truly like me." Hikari chuckled.
"What's that supposed to mean?!"
Hikari smiled apologetically, but Asuka's expression made it clear she wasn't kidding. She looked at the crowd of students in front of them, then toward the far away basketball courts behind the main building. "Just kidding. You always give me a hard time with Toji."
"Yeah, because you deserve it." Asuka said, and Hikari kept quiet. Her tone lacked playfulness, and the conversation felt like it was reaching a precipice, so she stood up, balled up the cellophane bag, and tossed it into the trash can before walking back to the classroom.
"Maybe I do," Hikari said under her breath. After staring at her half-full lunchbox for a few breaths, she snapped the lid on and put it away.
The ghost of a song echoed through Asuka's mind. Fragments of sections of each instrument droned around her in a strangely soothing harmony. The drumline was muted and in the distance, but it was constant, dependable, like train wheels slowly chugging on a track with every revolution. As the song ended, the train tracks in her mind's eye ran out, and she knew it was her last chance to wake up. When she didn't, she was consumed by nothingness.
Then, a flash. The pale, enervated face of Kyoko Zeppelin Soryu now dominated her view in all directions. And the endless, looping echo of words Asuka didn't want to hear anymore threatened to drive her completely insane.
"Asuka, are you okay?"
She picked up the half-eaten vending machine cutlet sandwich off her desk and took in her surroundings: back in the classroom, back at her desk, Hikari to her right. She looked at the wall clock to see how much recess was left, but her brain refused to translate the hand positioning into a meaningful amount of minutes—probably too many, anyway.
"What? What is it?"
"I was asking about your leg. You didn't bring your crutch yesterday, either."
Asuka bit on the sandwich twice to get it over with, stuffing her cheeks with it like a squirrel. She took as long as possible to chew and savor and swallow it, but Hikari waited through it all, and was still waiting for an answer. "I'm fine, don't worry about it," she said, then stood up and walked to the door, wondering if the vending machines in the cafeteria stocked that orange juice brand that stupid Shinji had ruined for her.
Hikari raised her voice, and that alone stopped her in her tracks. "Asuka, I'm worried about you. You never told me what happened. You were okay before the latest attack and you didn't even fight this time."
Asuka turned around to face her. "And how do you know that, exactly?"
Hikari shrank where she sat. She motioned Asuka to come closer despite being alone in the classroom. Her shoulders slumped, but she complied. "Aida used his laptop to watch you guys fight the falling angel. Sorry! I tried to stop him and... anyway, we didn't see your red robot at all, so we thought that maybe you—"
"Hey, that's classified!" she protested. Hikari cocked an eyebrow. "And, I wasn't needed, clearly! Do you have to rub it in? Shinji saved us all while I watched from the basement. Hooray." She languidly pumped her fist.
Half a dozen kids entered the classroom in animated conversation, followed by a few stragglers. Hikari leaned toward her and said, "Well, sorry. I was just a little curious. I'm just glad you're okay, though."
"Yeah, yeah. The monkey came and gave me some spiel about how much he cares too."
"Hey, don't call him that," Hikari protested. "He was just trying to help!"
Asuka smirked sarcastically. "And then went off to complain to you about it, apparently."
Hikari rested her fingers on the edge of her desk. "I just coached him a little. He's not very good at that kind of thing."
Asuka's smirk became a grin. She lifted one hand to her hip. "Or much of anything, really."
"Alright, what do you have against Toji?" Hikari asked seriously.
Asuka's arm fell limply. '"What are you talking about? I'm just joking here."
Hikari straightened where she sat. "No, no. That is not true. You always attack him, even when he's trying to help. Is it because he keeps Shinji away from you?"
She crossed her arms. "What the hell does that have to do with anything?" More classmates entered the room, and a few stopped what they were doing to watch them argue.
"I don't know. I just want to figure out what's going on with you." She primped her hair nervously. "Toji's a good person, you just don't want to see it." Her lip was shaky, and she looked around to make sure neither him nor Kensuke had come into the classroom yet.
Asuka gritted her teeth. Using his first name, the baseless assumptions, her naivete: she was pathetic. "Well, go ahead and marry him, then! He wants a useless, submissive woman, right? It'd be just like you to end up with a pissant like him, but don't come crying when he treats you just like your dad does."
Hikari bolted up from her seat and obscured her face with her hands. Her voice was little more than a squeal, and tears peered from under her eyes. "What did I ever do to you? Why are you being like this?"
For Asuka, this triggered the opposite of empathy. She stepped forward, her desk's legs screeching against the floor as she pushed it aside. Everybody's eyes were on them. "Like what, Hikari? I'm always me, this is exactly who I am. It's not my problem if others can't handle it!" She raised a finger and jabbed it into her chest, and Hikari gasped and a loud smack resounded throughout the classroom.
Hikari's jaw clenched and she swallowed. She looked down at her trembling hand and then back up at Asuka's face. It was hideously stunned. She covered her mouth with one hand and leaned on the nearest desk with the other. She stepped back, turned away, and ran.
Asuka's cheek stung and throbbed. Staring off blankly, she straightened her desk, sat down, and faced the blackboard, ignoring the murmur mounting around her. Nobody dared go near her, and she counted on that. She folded her arms on the desk and nested her head between them. Her previous talks with Toji and Hikari churned in her head. She was grateful that no tears came, and at the same time felt guilty that she didn't need to suppress them. Before the bell rang for the next period, she heard the classroom door open: an unknown teacher.
"Soryu, come with me. The Principal wishes to speak with you."
Shortly after, she found Hikari waiting outside the Principal's office. She sat with utmost Japanese decorum, but her posture lessened the moment she saw her walk in. Asuka dragged her feet until she reached the folding chair near the watercooler in the corner and sat down. The sounds of conversation spilled from the office and the muffled shuffling of sheets reached them.
Asuka leaned back and stretched her forearms over her head. "So... who snitched?" She resisted the urge to look at her friend until she heard her whimper. Hikari stifled her sobs with both hands. The sounds were particularly stark in the silence of the room. Asuka lowered her arms and cleared her throat to get her attention to no effect. She took a few fingertips to her cheek, but it was still too tender. The door to the office opened and a teacher walked out carrying a stack of papers.
"The Principal will see you now."
Asuka turned to Hikari, who'd just finished wiping her tears away. She got up and walked in. Asuka followed. She'd only seen the Principal and his office once, when she first came with Misato. She looked around the office and then at him. The man sat behind his desk. He wore a brown suit and was short and thin, with a round, clean-shaven face, slicked back salt-and-pepper hair and bushy eyebrows.
"Good morning, Ms. Soryu. Take a seat." He gestured to her left, and she did. "I'm told Ms. Horaki assaulted you after a brief altercation during recess. Is this correct?"
Asuka exhaled sharply and restrained herself, but frustration spilled forth regardless. "Morning, Sir. Yes, she slapped me." She slouched forward and gripped her knees.
"While your homeroom teacher is well equipped to handle matters of student misconduct, this particular situation called for escalation to this office." He looked at Asuka and then filled some of the form in front of him. He clicked his pen and looked up at the girls. "As you know, violence is not tolerated in our institution. Ms. Horaki will be reprimanded and her parents notified according to school guidelines."
"Excuse me, Sir. But, who reported this incident?"
"I did," Hikari spoke up.
The principal gave her a reproachful look, then nodded. "Though an appropriate response, it will not lessen the consequences. It would set a bad example, especially as Class Representative." He enunciated the title obnoxiously and Hikari covered her mouth to stifle a new sob. Asuka sank a little in her chair and looked to the window. "...and even more so against a NERV asset."
Asuka perked up. "Wait, what does that matter?"
"Pardon?"
"I work at NERV. So what? I'm just a student."
"Miss Soryu, NERV is at the core of Tokyo-3's infrastructural development. We should all show a great deal of gratitude towards them as an organization, and to people like you, who risk their lives whenever there's an attack." He gave her a brief, obsequious smile.
Asuka pressed an open hand to her chest. "Well, I don't think she should be punished: I deserved it. I pushed her too far and said a bunch of dumb things."
The man's face shed most of its hospitality. "I understand you have a friendship with Ms. Horaki, but a punishment is not contingent on the victim's perspective. The rules are very clear."
"And Hikari's followed them better than anyone! Hikari is always on time, never talks back to adults, has near perfect grades, and does your little Class Rep. thing, which means the teachers can just saddle her with half of their work. And now that she's had her first misstep, this is how you treat her?"
"Asuka, stop," Hikari pleaded.
His face hardened. "Ms. Soryu, I don't know how they do things in the West, but in Japan it's an honor and a privilege to be the Class Representative. Furthermore, this is not a negotiation. You better behave yourself before I lose my patience with you."
Asuka stood up, incensed, alternating between two. "He knows I'm right, that's why he's threatening me. He wants to let me off the hook because I'm NERV, but he wants to throw the book at you? It's bullshit!"
"Miss Soryu, that type of language is unacceptable!"
She pointed at him and shouted, "Don't change the subject, you know I'm right!"
Asuka clapped the board erasers against each other, producing a white, dusty cloud sucked upwards by the ceiling fan. They were almost done cleaning the last hallway, and the deep orange sunlight that peered through the tall windows made their shadows stretch up the wall and almost touch the edge of the ceiling. It'd been hours since they last spoke with one another, always staying far apart, always focusing on opposite corners of the room.
"Hikari," Asuka called.
"Hm?" She was scrubbing the floor with her back to her, and her shoulders had tensed when she heard her name, but she kept working.
"I've been thinking and... I mean, you know. I'm sorry."
Hikari stopped, got up one leg at a time, and faced her with concern and confusion. Her knees were rosy and dusty. "Why?"
"I didn't want them to tell your dad, but I feel like I only made things worse."
She gave her an ironic smile. "Yeah. But I appreciate it. To be honest, I do feel like the teachers are a little heavy-handed with their assignments." She walked to the entrance, folded the cloth twice into a square, and placed it on top of the nearest locker. She looked at her wrinkly fingers and then back at Asuka. "I'm sorry too. I'd never hit anyone in my life before."
Asuka walked to where Hikari was scrubbing the floor and picked up the bucket of graywater. "I deserved it, and you were just worried. What I said to Suzuhara was wrong too. I'll let him know."
Hikari rested her hands together in front of her. "Really? That makes me glad."
Asuka nodded cautiously, but added nothing.
"And what about me?"
Her shoulders tensed, and her tone was subdued and sincere. "Right, of course, what I said about you was wrong too." Her voice regained some strength. "But I said it because I care, okay?"
Hikari's smile was diminished, but nonetheless she nodded. "Thank you."
"Hey, how are you?" Misato asked through the phone.
Asuka stopped in the middle of the empty pedestrian bridge. "Fine, walking home. What is it?"
"I'm in Matsuhiro. Listen, I'm gonna run a little late and Shinji's still back at NERV. So, could you order something when you get home and leave me some leftovers in the microwave? Oh, and please feed Pen Pen."
"Sure."
"Thank—" She hung up and returned the phone to her backpack.
'Too busy to pick up when I need her, not busy enough when she wants to fill one of her holes.'
Back in the apartment, she discovered that the collateral damage from the Eleventh Angel had ruined cable and most of her taped shows, but she remembered that Misato had watched some stupid movie with Kaji, so she tried changing the input source to video. The movie was old and boring, but it made for good background noise if kept really low.
She ate the only orange from the kitchen bowl that hadn't gone moldy yet, finished her homework, and laid down a mat from her dance training for her therapeutic exercises. Doctor Akagi had been very clear about needing help from someone else whenever she did them—like she was mocking her—but it was mostly stretches and some body weight reps, so she was able to manage. She then fed the penguin and ordered some dinner. A few slices of cheese pizza and a hot shower later, she decided to try something different, and put her neural clips back on her head before heading to bed. She grabbed the SDAT from her dresser, lay down, and put on the earbuds before pressing play. If the first few seconds of a song did not agree with her, she simply skipped to the next one. She repeated this process until one of them caught her attention. It was the one she heard in her train track dream. She wondered if leaning on her dreamsign might make things worse, but she was quick asleep before the song was over.
Three hours later, she woke up after having fallen through the world for eternity. Her menstrual cramps had returned, and a pounding headache seemed inevitable. She checked her phone for the time and an old new message notification reappeared:
(15:12) Hey, Asuka. I don't want to bother you, but Rei says you were acting differently the other day. Is everything okay? Misato hasn't...
She locked her phone and placed it face down on the nightstand. She was going to get some water, regardless of the time. After she returned, she read the message preview again. The urge to reply would constantly be squashed by reading his message, and she would find a dozen things to be upset about between his words without fail.
A new day came, and her morning ritual placed her in front of the bathroom mirror once more. She removed the foamy drool off her chin with the back of a hand, and when she peered into the foggy mirror, it briefly looked as if her reflection was still looking at the sink, then up at her as someone identical twin instead of a lifeless image.
"Great, I'm going insane now," she said. She rinsed her toothbrush, washed her hands, and left.
The whole day was a blur: The train, the school, the heat, returning home, the homework, the exercise. It was a combination of tiredness, apathy, and the desire for the late afternoon to come as soon as possible so she could take her next sync test. Misato was still missing—not that it made much of a difference—and she decided to skip the last stretch with a nap, until Hikari ruined it via phone call. Asuka was able to squirm out of going out shopping with her due to her NERV obligations, but couldn't make up an excuse when invited to her house tomorrow. It was partly to formally apologize as directed by her father. She even offered to have her older sister drive her back and forth from the apartment.
Finally, the sync test. The result? definitely an improvement, but Akagi was not even there to see her. Ibuki told her she was busy with some issues in one of NERV's dozen laboratories, and that it'd be better if Asuka just waited until she was completely healed before taking another test. Her polite and tactful delivery only frustrated Asuka further, and she was pretty sure they'd have to replace her locker down in the shower room after she was done kicking it.
Back home at night, she thought it too pathetic to let another day pass without replying to Shinji's messages. He'd sent some new inane rant, but she couldn't read it and risk it scaring her away. She simply texted him back "Call me when you're out of the hospital." and threw her phone at her bed. She cursed as it bounced off the mattress and down to the floor, but the screen fortunately made it out unscathed.
Hikari prepared to slice the cake. Looking across the table at Asuka, she made a hand gesture of variable size. "How big do you want it?"
"Same as yours is fine," Asuka replied. She rocked back and forth in her chair, sometimes letting its front legs lift off the floor before landing with a thunk.
Hikari sunk the large knife into the cake, cracking the glazed top and slicing the moist sponge underneath. "So. What's new? I know you can't tell me very much, but..."
"The idiot woke up." Asuka slid her empty plate toward her, watching with sober boredom as Hikari shuffled under the slice with the knife, wedging it away from the rest with the fingers of her free hand.
"Oh, that's great! Have they let you see him yet?"
She let the chair land flat and glared at the plate. "Yeah. But the Weirdo got there first, so I thought I'd give it a day."
"Hm." Hikari returned the served plate and placed the knife beside the cake platter. She wiggled her feet out of her floofy cream slippers and sat crosslegged in her chair. They leaned forward to take a bite, and as soon as the scent of strawberry reached Asuka's nostrils, her mouth began to water.
"Was it someone's birthday recently?" She asked before putting the fork in her mouth. Though a bit dry, the cake was pretty decent.
Hikari seemed less enthusiastic. She shook her head, then swallowed. "I've been practicing some baking."
Asuka nodded pensively, debating whether to breach the topic, then bought herself some more time by taking another bite. She topped it off with a sip of soda. Seeking levity, she narrowed her eyes. "This was for Suzuhara, wasn't it?"
She sank further and further in her chair with each phrase. "No... not technically... It was a test run before the real thing." She looked up at Asuka, worried. "Please don't be upset."
"Hikari. I'm not a monster. I think he's an illiterate bumpkin and a bad influence, but it's your life, you shouldn't care what anyone else thinks! I just want to get this whole thing straight."
"What do you mean?"
She pointed to the side with her fork. "Weeks ago, you wouldn't shut up about how lazy he was and how hard it was to tutor him in History. You also kept going about him technically breaking school dress code all the time with that stupid tracksuit, and how the teachers never did anything about it." She paused and shrugged. "Hmm, now that I think about it, it's kinda cool that he doesn't care... Anyway," She rotated her forearm, moving the fork to the opposite side like the big hand in a clock. "Then, you're telling me about his sister's leg and how he tries so hard for his family, and how he helps the wimp and the nerd exercise every morning. And now, you're baking him a freaking cake!" She pointed to her from a healthy distance and stabbed the air. "You're all mixed up about this guy. Make up your mind!"
Hikari scoffed flusteredly. "I mean, it's complicated... I thought you of all people would understand, considering Ikari..."
"Shinji? What about Shinji?" Asuka said, her gaze fixing subtly. Hikari gave her a lopsided smile and snorted laughter. She continued, "Whatever you're insinuating, I don't like it..." Hikari leered at her. "You're being ridiculous!"
"Come on! How many times have you complained about him 'gaping at Ayanami' during class?" She separated a piece of crust with her fork and lifted it to her mouth.
"That's because he's a pervert! He shouldn't be doing that."
Hikari covered her mouth with one hand and continued, "Why not? I think Ayanami likes it, anyway."
"That's because she's a pervert."
Hikari sweetly condescended, like she was lecturing a little sister, "Asuka, you only know this is going on because you watch him like a hawk."
"Yeah, but that's different!" She gasped, then clenched her jaw immediately. Her eyes twitched to see if Hikari noticed. She busied herself by gathering the remaining crumbs in the center of her plate.
"Is it?" Hikari put on a mask of innocence, traipsed around the table, and pulled out the chair next to her. "I don't know, Asuka, why would you care about what he does with his free time?"
As Hikari sat down, Asuka dropped the fork on the table and straightened in her seat. "I'm just keeping him accountable. Misato lets him do whatever he wants, so I need to be the one to keep him in line so he can make me food."
"Aren't you worried that Ayanami might make a move?"
"She can do whatever she wants, she can move in for all I care!"
Hikari knit her brows at her reaction, then her eyes widened, as if she'd just solved a puzzle. "I think you just don't want to admit it…" She pulled her chair forward for effect and looked her straight in the eye. "You like him, Asuka. You like like him." A blush developed in Hikari's face as she declared it.
Asuka pressed her back to her chair. "What, you think every time I complain about him it's just pretend? You think I like yelling at him every time he forgets to bring lunch, or when he messes up in combat?"
"I don't think you're pretending, but you usually ignore everyone else who gets on your nerves. Like I said, it's complicated." She put a hand on her chest and sighed. "When I imagine being hugged by Toji, I feel... all fuzzy inside, like something very exciting is about to happen. Don't you feel something like that with Ikari?"
"Nothing exciting ever happens with that idiot. Why would it matter, anyway? Why do you care?"
She leaned forward and put a hand on her shoulder. "You're my friend, dummy! I want to see you happy. And, I think you should hurry up…" she took a cupped hand to her face and whispered in Asuka's ear. "He's gone to Ayanami's apartment by himself."
"He hasn't!" Asuka said in disbelief.
Hikari straightened up in her chair and nodded, proud of herself. "Yep. He absolutely has."
"I mean, let's say—hypothetically speaking—let's assume that for some reason I'm actually into him... He's as dense as a brick! I'd need to parade myself naked for him to notice." Hikari's flust0ered reaction made her hesitate, but she powered through. "I can't just whore out to him, I have my pride!"
"Frankly, I don't think he's like that. Of course, he's a boy, and you know him better than I do. But everyone at school knows he's quite the catch."
"Shinji Ikari? a catch? Literally how?!" Asuka didn't know if she should feel betrayed or amused from being so out of this loop.
"Really?" Hikari asked. She extended her fingers one by one as she explained, "He's serious, polite, in shape, he's always nice to everyone and knows how to cook and clean and, obviously, pilots the giant robot that saves everyone from the city-destroying monsters. Is it that surprising to hear?"
She scoffed. "Hey now, am I gonna have to worry about you too?"
Hikari lifted her hands in surrender. "He's not really my type. I'm just telling you what I've heard!"
"Yeah, and you better tell me who's showering all this praise on him. It's that ninth grader with the big tits, isn't it?"
"So, you are interested." Hikari deflected.
"No!" Asuka's lip trembled, but her indifference broke. "Maybe. I don't know! I'm not being stubborn here, I really don't know."
"But you'd like to find out?"
"What would you do?" She stopped her with a stretched out palm. "Never mind, you're probably going to say something extremely cheesy or lame."
Hikari crossed her arms. "You're so mean!"
"Okay. Let's hear it, then. One chance."
"Hmm..." She stood up and went back across the table, sliding her feet back into her slippers. "You've said his lack of training has made things difficult. Why don't you teach him what you know? That way you have a reason to spend time with him?"
Asuka was ready to dismiss whatever Idea Hikari had, until she heard this. "That's actually not so bad."
Hikari clapped with excitement. "So, is this happening? Are you gonna go for it?"
"Well, I don't know... I don't know! I'll have to wait and see. You don't understand: I'm not supposed to like him, he's not my type either. But if it'll get you to shut up, then fine, sure, let's see what happens!" She was thoroughly red in the face, and Hikari rolled her eyes at her reaction.
Shinji lay beside Asuka on the hood of the blue Alpine. The day was cloudy enough to keep the unforgiving sun at bay, but it was still hot enough that they couldn't stay inside the car for long. They both looked skyward with their hands behind their heads.
Hikari's words replayed in her head. She couldn't have been more prescient: He and Miss Perfect were holding hands! And it brought Asuka back to the times she'd tried to be near him and he'd flinch or cringe away, followed by a dozen excuses. But then, there was the day before the coordinated fight against the twin angel, and his continued insistence to help her fight the war despite being a wuss. How could she be this hung up about such an indecisive, feckless idiot? But if her plan was to tip the scales, the sooner she got started, the better.
She cleared her throat. "Hey, Third."
"Hm?"
"The leg thing, it's not your fault. You were out of commission."
"Oh. It's okay, Asuka. But how are you feeling?"
She stretched an arm to the heavens so that her hand could capture a stray cloud. "I'm fine, I give it two or three more days before I'm back to full power."
Shinji smiled. "That'd be nice. We never know when the next attack will be."
"Just leave the angels to me. What you should be worrying about is homework. We're balancing chemical equations now, and even I'm struggling a little bit to remember how it's done."
He chuckled. "I'll keep it in mind. Speaking of school, how's everyone? I know you mentioned Toji asking about me, but what did he actually say?"
Asuka rolled her eyes. "What do you even see in that jock?"
"Toji? He's a swell fella. What's the problem?" He leaned on his elbows to better see her, and she sat up in turn.
She scoffed good-naturedly. "What are you, a grandpa? Hikari won't shut up about him, but all he's good for is eating and punching."
"More than you think, actually." Shinji chuckled awkwardly. "He kind of punched me in the face when we met, because my Eva destroyed lots of buildings and his sister ended up being really hurt."
"Wait, seriously?" she asked indignantly. Having only read the official report, this was news to Asuka. He looked despondent about it. "Hey, that wasn't your fault. He should be grateful you saved as many people as you did, including his sorry ass."
"It's okay. After the next angel attack, he really saw how dangerous piloting was, and then let me hit him in the face to, you know... settle the score." He flexed a hand in front of him, and his frown dissipated.
She whuffled like a horse and shook her head. "Men."
Shinji laughed. "Misato said the same when I told her. I think 'bunch of cavemen' were her exact words."
"For once I agree with her." She leaned back and rested her hands on her abdomen. "What happened next, did he get suspended?"
"Hmm, not that I remember, why?"
"Did he do it out of view? Like, behind the gym or something?"
"Hmm, no, not really. It was actually really embarrassing, because it was between the main A and B buildings. So. pretty much everybody saw it, and then I left to fight the angel and…" He shrugged. "Nobody ever brought it up."
"Really? that rotten geezer!"
He sat up. "What?"
"Nothing, don't worry about it. Still..." She punched him in the upper arm. "You were gone for too long, you know?"
His shoulders crept up. "Ow! Thanks?"
"You're welcome. Just don't leave again and you won't get more of those. Oh, there they come!" She pointed at Misato and Rei, and they were carrying a few cardboard boxes.
A gentle pull on a dark, lower eyelid, a flat hand pressed under her chin, a frail, overly gummy grin. Asuka closed her eyes and focused on her breathing, but when they opened again, her reflection was still there, her room was still there. She pulled on both neural connectors, straining her lean fingers until the devices clicked and slid off her hair. She placed them on the desk, watching them roll and clack against a paddle brush criss-crossed with hair, and waited until their green LEDs blinked and died down. She picked up the SDAT beside them and pulled it close as she stood up so that the corded earbuds wouldn't dangle and sway into her legs. For the time she'd been with it—even if it was mostly useless to dispel the nightmares—she liked it. On other nights, she'd left it on her breast as she tapered off into sleep, buds in ears, and it was almost like listening to a second heart.
After straightening her chemise, She considered her approach, tapping her feet impatiently in some improvised rhythm, but it did little to fight back the cold that crept up her toes. She padded towards the door and slid it open, then peered up and down the hallway as if a train could pass through at any time. Reaching Shinji's door, she lifted a loosely closed fist but stopped short of knocking, and instead pulled on the handle as quietly as she could. Again she glanced toward the vacant living room before pushing onward. The dim moonlight fell inside until it was blocked by his string bean shape, laying wrapped in a dark covering and facing away from her on the far end of his twin bed. She tiptoed to the side of his desk and slowly extended her arm, and the earbuds swung and clattered against a leg of the desk, and she grimaced until the device rested on the surface. She checked him for any reactions, but there were none. In fact, he was completely still and quiet. She turned her head to listen for his breathing, but there was nothing. Alarmed, she went down on one knee on his bed, and as she cautiously leaned forward, her weight pulled on the corner of his blanket until he tried to stealthily cling to it.
"What the hell are you doing?" She barked through the lump in her throat.
Shinji's chest swelled as he loudly gasped for air. "Hi, Asuka," he whimpered as he began to turn around, and she locked her legs before they drove her madly out of the room.
"Stop! If you turn around, I'll scream," she warned. His shoulders tensed. "I just wanted to return your stupid player."
"Uh, okay." He swallowed and his ears twitched, and when she didn't make any further noise, he asked "Are you okay?" with his peculiar tone of concern.
She rolled her eyes, opened her mouth, but then slouched and grumbled. "No." He made to turn once more, but her sharp words made him halt. "The nightmare is still happening. Misato can't know, because they won't let me go back until I'm completely fine, but I really don't want to be alone right now."
"Are you... Do you want to stay here?"
Asuka wanted to scream. Was this some kind of trap? At this point, It didn't matter anymore.
"Can I?" She spewed the words, and they tasted terrible.
She saw his shoulder relax and he slowly nodded, then turned his head fully to the wall so all she could glean from his face was a blank cheek. She carefully laid down on the edge of the mattress as if it was made of sharp, dry hay. "I just need one good night's sleep, okay? This doesn't mean anything."
"Alright," he replied evenly.
Her mouth became linear as she adjusted her head, but then she chuckled. "Though, I wouldn't blame you if you're nervous. Must be nice to have a beauty like me sleep right beside you, huh?"
His voice wavered. "Uh... I don't mind."
Her face contorted with disgust. Deep, unspoken hopes moldered, and her heart sluffed. Her wilting inside contrasted with her restless legs and her rolling shoulders, until her chemise was caught up weirdly between her and the mattress, and she couldn't quite put her arm under her head without it going numb, and a drop of sweat crawled down her back and her left nostril itched and... After a few minutes, her quiet despair became a dull lump in her throat, and with heavy eyelids she resigned herself to whatever the nightmare would bring this time.
"Asuka." His voice was an anchor.
"What?" she spat, and her unease was palpable. She tried to think of all the potential words that could follow, all the different scenarios and things he could declare or ask, trying to get ahead in the game, all except for:
"Are we friends?"
'Confused' was not enough to describe it. Asuka wanted to reproach him, to say the obvious answer, but she realized she didn't know it. More importantly, she couldn't possibly be the first to answer that question. She made sure to steel her voice before asking, "Well, what do you think?"
"I'd like to believe so."
Her curiosity became pain. "But I treat you like crap," she whined in disbelief.
"Maybe. But, that's just who you are. And we've had some good times too, right?"
"You're being too nice. It's annoying." She looked away and her eyes landed on the closet, and the crimson labeled boxes stacked in front of it made her smile. "...But I guess that's just who you are."
"Mhm." He nodded. "So... do you think we're friends?" he asked once more.
'Of course,' she wanted to say, but the words could never reach her lips. And the neediness of it, the groveling, the embarrassment, it was everything she was not. It was a weight off her shoulders to hear him say it, and yet, she couldn't muster up the guts to repay him in kind. And then there was this whole extra layer of frustration at having this much trouble talking to a stupid, scaredy, scrawny boy that wasn't even properly trained. She put up a sly smile. "What, you think I'd sleep in any old stranger's bed?"
He didn't speak. Proverbial cicadas chirped. She wished she was back inside the volcano. "I guess not," he said, and he further snuggled up against his pillow. Stretching seconds passed Asuka by, then she felt the bed move slightly, then heard a low, soft humming that broke into rhythmic, mirthful snickering.
"You're such an asshole!" She kicked him twice, then planted her cold foot on his back, making him recoil.
"Ahh! No, I'm not laughing at you, I swear!"
"How can you just say that?"
"It's just that, things usually go the other way around between us."
"Meaning?" She held her knee aloft.
"We talk, I say something stupid, ow!" He squirmed after another kick. "...And then there's a horrible silence where all I can think about is how much I messed up and how much I don't wanna be there anymore. And it happened to you this time."
She felt her cheeks grow hot. "Oh, so now you laughing at me is actually you being super empathetic and cool, huh?" She let her leg fall to the bed and her indignation drained the smile out of Shinji's lips.
"Why would I lie to you?"
"You'd say anything to get out of trouble." She murmured as she plucked on a crease in the sheet. When no rebuttal came, she prepared her mask of confidence, but Shinji surprised her when he turned around so they were face to face. She wanted to keep true to her promise, but the dark of his eyes made her docile.
"I hate that you never believe me," he said quietly but firmly. His face was serious and his gaze focused, and it made him look slightly older.
"I believe you," she said breathlessly. Their faces were too close.
He knit his brows. "Do you really?" he asked without disbelief in his voice.
She nodded quickly twice.
His features returned to the softness she knew. "That's good, thank you... And, sorry for turning." He said as he shifted and faced the wall once more.
"It's okay!" She tugged on the edge of her chemise. "It's... okay, if you look."
"I'd rather not," he said. Her throat tightened and her eyes stung and she hated him, until he said, "You were right, you make me feel a little nervous."
"Idiot," she said before turning away, and he could hear her smile. "Yes, of course I put my foot in my mouth from time to time too. I know I'm too harsh, but I have a reputation to uphold. If you praise everything all the time, then what do you say when something is truly exceptional?"
"That's a good point."
"Of course it is."
They eased into a more comfortable silence, and Shinji wordlessly unwrapped and shifted the blanket so that roughly half of it would trail behind him. Asuka reached for it and draped her legs with the lower corner. The sound of their breathing smoothed over her anxieties, and she knew sleep would come for her soon.
"Goodnight, Shinji," she said softly. He smiled.
"Goodnight, Asuka."
A cloud landed on Asuka, and she peeled her eyes open. She caught Shinji's frame fading into the hallway light as he closed the door behind him. There'd been no nightmare, no dream at all, and she felt annoyingly comfortable and well rested under the blanket. As soon as she caught herself smelling his scent on it, she realized it was truly over. She got up with a tesla coil for a heart and dashed to her room with complete disregard for any potential witnesses.
"Hey, Asuka," she heard from down the hallway.
She paused her scramble for clean school dress and socks, and shouted, "What!"
"Uh, eggs or pancakes?"
"I don't know! Both?"
"...Both it is."
With her hair done, her face washed, and her uniform buttoned up, she joined Shinji in the kitchen as he set a cup, a fork and plate on the table before returning to the range. The plate had a stack of thin pancakes dripping with honey and topped with a dollop of whipped cream and three slices of strawberry.
She sat down, picked up the fork, carved off a chunk, and ate it. She closed her eyes to enjoy the flavor; Hikari's cake was hardtack in comparison. When she opened them, she caught Shinji smiling excitedly at her.
Her face grew hot. "What? What is it?"
"Nothing, just... Do you like it?"
She raised her neck, closed her eyes and said haughtily, "It's fine." She then opened one eye and smirked at him. Shinji laughed, then walked back to the range, spatula in hand. The way the apron strings were tied taut around the small of his back was rather appealing. Shifting her attention, she leaned forward for another bite, and then another, and the tartness of the strawberry made all the difference. Just as he served another plate, the doorbell rang.
"I'll get it," she called to him and stood up. She walked over to the entrance, pressed the button in the small console, and the automatic door beeped and slid open, revealing Rei holding her briefcase in front of her.
"Good morning." She gave her a slight bow.
"Oh, it's you. What do you want?"
"I'm unfamiliar with the route to school from here. I was wondering if Shinji... or you, could aid me."
"Is that Rei?" Shinji's voice reached them from the kitchen.
"What do you care? Keep cooking!" She turned to Rei. "Can't you use your phone or something?"
She looked away and pressed a forefinger to her chin in thought. "I suppose that's possible, but..."
Asuka narrowed her eyes. Rei's pale pink blush was all the confirmation Asuka needed. She flipped her hair and walked back in. "Whatever, I'm sure he'll love taking you there."
Rei took off her shoes and followed her until they entered the kitchen, just at the same time as Misato announced her entrance with a loud yawn.
"Ooh, that's smells good. Hey, Rei. Good morning."
"Good morning, Misato," Rei said. Asuka sat down and Shinji walked to her side carrying a steaming pot of coffee.
"Rei, did you have breakfast?" Shinji asked as he poured into the cup. She shook her head. "Please take a seat. There's enough batter for another serving."
Asuka ate silently, and Misato went straight to the fridge and grabbed two cans of Yebisu, and Shinji let her know that Pen Pen had been fed. Rei pulled the chair beside Asuka and sat down, then stared at the surface of the table.
"Hey, you. Do you even like pancakes?" Asuka asked, then took another piece off the stack and ate it.
"I've never had them before."
"Hm." She finished chewing and swallowed. "At this point, it doesn't surprise me."
Shinji returned with another plate and placed it in front of Rei. She looked at the tilted stack and then up at him and smiled with her eyes. Asuka was baffled. She checked his reaction, but it had this vaguely pleasant air that she couldn't quite compare to the smile he gave her earlier.
"Thank you," Rei said, and her face returned to normal.
"You're welcome. Coffee?"
She shook her head. "I don't like coffee."
"Who doesn't like coffee?" Asuka asked.
Rei faced her and repeated, "I don't like coffee."
"Yes, I obviously heard you... Are you screwing with me?"
She sneaked in a tiny smile. "Maybe."
Asuka snorted. "You know what, I'm gonna let that slide. At least you have more of a spine than the idiot."
"Hey!" Shinji protested.
"Shut it! Where's my eggs?"
As if on cue, he arrived, pan in hand, then slid them over the edge onto her plate. Misato finished downing the first of her beers and whooped according to the household custom. "Oh, wow. I'm gonna miss these."
"Are you finally going to stop drinking?" Asuka asked in mock excitement. Shinji sat down to eat across from Rei, plainly embarrassed at the exchange.
"Can't a girl have hobbies anymore?" She opened the second can with a hiss. "No, but I can't drink where I'm going. It might be weeks before I can have one of these again."
Asuka berated Misato for her indecency for the nth time. Beside her, Rei experienced the bliss of tasting Shinji's pancakes. Feeling the soft and sweet sensation reach every corner of her tongue, she stared at the gleaming tines of her fork and then at him.
"Shinji."
"Yeah?"
She blushed slightly and covered her mouth with the tips of her fingers. "This is... quite delicious. You're very skilled."
While Shinji flustered and downplayed his culinary prowess, Asuka welcomed an intrusive thought that involved punting Rei over the balcony, especially from this height. She chided herself for not thanking Shinji for the food earlier, thinking that it'd just look pathetic and jealous this late in the conversation. Misato was about to speak when the screech of bending steel from a car collision reached them through the open balcony doors.
"Oh, that was a good one," Misato said as she stood up to go take a look. Interested, Asuka gobbled up the last of her eggs and rushed behind her. She joined her in peering over the balcony all the way down the street, where a salaryman held a shouting match against the guy who'd just rear-ended him.
The landline rang, and seeing that the girls were busy, Shinji went ahead and picked up.
"Hello?"
"Shinji, it's Ritsuko. Are Misato and Asuka home with you?"
"Yes, we were just getting ready for school."
"Not anymore, I'm afraid. All of you, come to NERV immediately."
Author's Note: This has been the hardest chapter to write so far. Thanks to MCC for proofreading and editing.