Chapter 8

Another week passed, and Elizabeth continued to get ill every morning. She managed to conceal her vomiting from Will, but she could tell he was suspicious. He knew she was not eating much breakfast, and she was tired all the time. He was constantly urging her to eat more, to rest more. It made her snappish with him, which she tried to conceal behind sweet smiles and breezy dismissals. She also found herself getting emotional at odd moments, and sometimes had to hide her tears from Will, who would have demanded to know what was wrong.

All of it came to a head on Saturday when she was doing the laundry. She had been bending over the tub, and when she stood to hang up a pair of Will's pants, she felt suddenly dizzy. Determined to continue with her work, she sat down for a minute with her head between her knees until the dizziness passed. Once she felt like she could continue without fainting, she returned to the tub. She managed to continue for five more minutes, but the constant sitting and then standing, combined with the heat of the sun and her condition, caused her to finally faint.

She woke to Will calling her name, feeling him carry her in his arms. "Elizabeth! Are you all right, darlin'?"

She found herself laid gently on the bed, as Will got out a thermometer from the old times and tried to put it into her mouth. She pushed it away. "I'm fine, Will. I don't have a fever."

"You fainted! Something is wrong! I found you lying out there in the yard, and fuck I've never been so scared in my life."

Elizabeth tried to give him a casual smile, sitting up to get off the bed. "I think I just didn't drink enough today. I must be dehydrated."

He shook his head, trying to push her back onto the bed. "That's not it. Something's been wrong all week. You've been upset, I can tell. What's wrong? Did I do something?"

"Of course you didn't do anything, Will," she said in a forced-sweet tone, getting aggravated with him. "Everything's fine."

"Why are you lying to me?" he said, breathing hard.

"I'm not lying."

"You're upset about something, and I want to know what it is."

"I'm not upset –"

"Stop lying to me!"

His voice came out loud, authoritative. She had seen him angry in the past, but she had never heard such a tone from him before, and she immediately froze. She had never made him so angry before. She trembled and hugged her arms around her waist. "Please don't be mad," she said, hoping she didn't sound like she was begging.

Will stilled at once and looked into her eyes. Whatever he saw there made his own fill with horror. "Elizabeth, are you – are you scared of me?"

"No, of course not. I know you'd never hurt me."

He evidently believed her, for he said, "But you're scared of something."

Elizabeth did not deny it, but she also could not speak the words. Their transaction had always been unspoken between them. She felt that if it came out into the open now, it would break something between them irreparably.

"Oh my fucking God," Will said at last, his face filled with dawning horror. "You think I'm going to kick you out, don't you? You think if you don't do everything I say, if you don't make me happy all the time, that I'll just throw you out."

"That's not –" Elizabeth stopped herself in mid-sentence, because that was exactly what she thought.

And suddenly, it seemed so unfair for him to be standing there, looking so shocked and upset, as if he wasn't the one who had proposed this arrangement to her to begin with. And her temper, held back by months of self-restraint, exploded.

"I don't see why you have a right to look so horrified and distressed by the whole thing. It was all your idea to begin with! I've known – we've both always known – that this between us is a transaction. You give me food, shelter, and protection, I take care of the house and please you. That was all you offered me, and you can't be angry and upset now simply because I've followed the guidelines that you set down. You, Will Darcy! Of course I'm worried that if I don't fulfill my side of the bargain, you could find someone else! It's not as if we're in a – in a romantic relationship." That last sentence hurt even as she said it, for she wished more than anything to be in a romantic relationship with Will. But she had never been deluded that that was what he offered her. "You never offered me a romantic relationship! You didn't even kiss me for months! I've been the one trying to stick to the terms of the agreement! Why are you so disturbed by it all of a sudden?"

As she finished speaking, she saw that he looked shocked and stunned. "I thought – I thought –"

"You thought what?" she asked, when he did not continue.

"I thought you liked me," he mumbled.

"I do like you," she answered. "I had hoped that you liked me too. You've been good to me, and I appreciate all you've done for me. But that doesn't change the fact that you have all the power in this arrangement and I have none. If things don't go well between us, who do you think is the one going to be left out in the cold?"

Pain-filled eyes met hers. "You think I'm a monster?" he said hoarsely.

"It's not about being a monster. It's always been part of the deal. I've tried as hard as I can to be the kind of woman you want me to be to fulfill my end of the bargain, so you can't complain if I haven't always been totally open with you."

She could not believe she had spewed all of that out, but she knew she was right in what she said. Will could not ask her to be his woman in a practical transaction, and then act shocked and upset when it was put into words.

He lowered his eyes from hers, but not before she saw something terrible flash in them. Something bleak. "I see," he said. "I get it."

She suddenly felt upset, as if she'd messed up again. But she knew she wasn't wrong in this. "I'm sorry," she said. "I shouldn't have said anything, but –"

"No, I get it. I get it."

He looked stiff, closed-off. Broken.

She had never meant to do this to him. She knew she should have kept her mouth shut. It was always safer that way.

"I'm sorry, Will. I shouldn't have –"

"No, I wanted you to tell me the truth, and you did."

"But I should have –"

"You don't have to worry. I'm not going to kick you out," he said, still not looking at her.

"But I've made you upset. I never meant to do that, Will. I want you to be happy."

"I know you do," he muttered.

She drew in a breath to try to fix whatever she had broken in the last ten minutes, when he turned and walked out the door.

The walk to his parents' that afternoon was silent. They had not had their usual baths before they left, because Will had been gone until minutes before it was time to leave, when he had returned and said it was time to go.

He had said nothing else since.

As they arrived at the Darcys' farm and got their food, Will found a seat far away from Elizabeth and never once looked in her direction. Elizabeth felt too sick to eat, so she picked at her fried potatoes and tried to make conversation with Charlotte, who had sat down next to her. Several times Charlotte asked her if she was all right, but Elizabeth had simply put on her usual sunny smile and said she was just tired.

In truth, she was terrified.

She could not believe she had given into her anger and blasted all of that out to Will. Her temper had always been her greatest fault, according to her dad. And now she might have ruined everything.

Everyone called for some music after dinner, and Will, as usual, got out his guitar to play. As he played the strains to a song from the times before that Elizabeth did not know, she saw Caroline Bingley sitting next to Will, beaming up at him in a very obvious way.

Maybe Will should have chosen Caroline.

Maybe she could have been what he wanted her to be.

It was obvious Elizabeth never would be.

That thought hurt more than anything.

Will had said he would not kick her out, but she thought of her only other option. On a neighboring farm, Arthur Goulding, a man in his forties, had "divorced" his wife. Since there were no longer any legal proceedings, it was simply declared. Even though he had coupled up with another woman, he still supported his ex-wife, and they all lived in the same house together.

Elizabeth would never be able to live with such an arrangement.

She imagined sleeping in a small bed in the storage room while Will made love to another woman in their bed.

She would do anything rather than see Will with another woman. She would run away. She would go live in her dad's cabin again. Anything to avoid that.

She heard the music change, and a man who was visiting the community to trade cows began to sing. He had an exceptional voice, and it took a moment for Elizabeth to recognize the song, it had been so long since she had heard it.

It was "Amazing Grace." It seemed especially poignant tonight. The words about God's love and mercy in this broken world seized her heart, and tears streamed down her cheeks.

She was not the only one so moved. She saw Anne and Charlotte wiping away tears too.

But when he got to the last verse was when her sobs began.

When we've been there ten thousand years,
 Bright shining as the sun,
We've no less days to sing God's praise
 Than when we first begun.

She turned and lurched from the firelight, running until she was far enough away not to be heard, and fell to the ground, choking on her sobs until she found herself vomiting painfully into the grass.

She felt a hand holding back her hair, and knew at once from the feel and scent of him that it must be Will. Once she had finished vomiting, he drew her into his arms and she fell onto his lap, weeping into his t-shirt-covered chest. She felt him smoothing back her hair with his big hand, although he said nothing, and it helped calm her slightly.

At last, her storm of weeping passed, and Will said soberly, "Are you sick, Elizabeth? I know we argued earlier, but was that vomiting just because you were upset?"

Elizabeth didn't know what to say. She knew the truth was going to come out no matter what. But Will figured it out for himself.

"You haven't been eating in the mornings. You've been tired and you fainted earlier. And … you haven't had your period for two months. Oh my God, are you pregnant?"

He lifted her face to look into his. "Elizabeth?" His eyes demanded the truth.

She nodded. "Yes."

At once hurt flashed across his features. "Why didn't you tell me? Why have you been trying to hide it?"

"I didn't know – I wasn't sure how – I thought –" She decided not to finish what she was going to say. But it seemed he knew anyway.

"Oh, I see. You thought I'd throw you and the baby out."

The tone of his voice hurt her. "Please, Will, it's not like –" She paused. "I thought it might be my fault. That I should have been doing something to prevent pregnancy. That it was my fault I got pregnant. That you'd be angry with me."

"It's not your fault," Will said, sounding weary. "Pulling out isn't a effective method of birth control. This wasn't your doing." He gave a heavy sigh. "But how could you think I'd throw you and the baby out?" He sounded pained.

"What else am I supposed to think?" she retorted. "You pull out every single time. You've never once mentioned children or having a family. You never open up to me in any real way. All this time, I've been keeping to the terms of the deal. Why are you acting like I betrayed you? I've just been trying to follow the guidelines that you set out."

Will would not look at her. "You're right, you haven't betrayed me," he said a bit bitterly. "Everything I'm feeling right now is entirely my fault. You followed the terms of the agreement, you're right. You've done nothing wrong."

"But you're hurt! I hurt you!"

"Any hurting I'm doing is entirely my own fault." He stood up, picking up Elizabeth to stand beside him. "Don't worry about me, Elizabeth. I'll be fine."

"But –"

"We should be on our way home. You don't look well. I'll go tell my parents we're leaving."

Before she could say anything else, he had turned to walk back to the firelight.